Transcripts of Drama Series

Season 3 X 24 : Human Error

2007-06-12T14:31:00.000+08:00

Original Airdate: 5/15/2007

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow & Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Katie Jacobs
Transcript by: Jenna

(Scene begins with Coast guards on a helicopter looking down. They're flying above the sea on a dark rainy night)

Rescuer1 (Fisher): Coming up to 50 feet.

Rescuer2: Roger that. We're light on fuel, 2 minutes to bingo.

[An obviously sick woman (Marina) loudly gasps for breath and shivers at the back of the helicopter]

Pilot: Come on, Fisher, we've got places to go, people to see.

Fisher: Working on it!

Pilot: So I've heard, what's taking so long?

[Down below a man is practically drowning under the waves but he is tightly gripping on to a plastic briefcase floating on top of the water]

Rescuer3: [in the sea with the man] Let go of the suitcase! Let go of the suitcase! You'll have to hold on to me!

Esteban: [says something in Spanish that translates to a refusal]

Rescuer3: Sir, whatever it is is not worth it.

Rescuer2: We're bingo fuel sir.

Pilot: Your hear that Fisher? Bingo. Keep it ____ and we'll handle it in both gears.

Fisher: I'll do that, sir.

Rescuer3: Ditch the damn luggage!

Esteban: [refuses again]

[Rescuer3 looks up and Fisher gives him a signal. Rescuer3 then approaches Esteban from behind and tries to haul him up. In the ensuing struggle under water, Esteban lets for of the suitcase and the rescuers finally manage to hoist Esteban and Rescuer3 up to the helicopter. Esteban looks back down in despair until he gets on to the helicopter and worriedly looks after his wife]

Esteban: Marina! [a conversation with her in Spanish, she smiles, he then turns around and scolds the rescuers]

Rescuer3: Tell him if he's so worried about his wife's clothes, he should have stayed in Cuba!

Esteban: [replies in Spanish]

Fisher: He says it wasn't her clothes; it was her medical records, that she's sick and needs to go home.

Esteban: No home, House! I need to see doctor House.

[OPENING CREDITS]

(Cuddy is in the lobby trying to phone House futilely as he doesn't seem to be picking up. Behind her, Esteban is looking forlornly at a sick Marina lying on a bed)

(Scene shift to the cafeteria where House's silenced phone is vibrating on the table next to his cup of coffee. He is pretending to read a paper while actually watching Foreman's farewell party on the other side of the room. He's disguised with a cap on his head)

[Wilson walks in immediately spotting House and walks up to him]

Wilson: You don't answer your phone anymore.

House: I'm world famous now, press won't leave me alone.

Wilson: It's Cuddy.

House: I know. If it was the press I'd be answering.

Wilson: And since you're not taking her calls, I am. Your patient's been waiting for hours.

House: She didn't book an appointment.

Wilson: No, she risked her life.

House: You don't reach terra firma, you don't get any milk or honey.

Wilson: The woman has 10 different things wrong with her, including pains all over her body. [sits down opposite House] Admittedly not as interesting as staring uselessly at Foreman.

House: You know why I find the goodbye party fascinating? [he puts away the paper and rubs his stubbled chin] Isn't it kind of insulting to celebrate when someone leaves you?

Wilson: What are you going to do to keep him?

House: Nothing.

Wilson: He really is going to leave, you know that right?

House: Yeah.

Wilson: So what are you going to do?

House: Nothing I can do. He doesn't want more money, better working conditions, doesn't even want a better job. He wants to not be me.

Wilson: Because he thinks you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone but yourself.

House: He's right. [bites into a bun]

Wilson: You need to show him that you really do care.

House: Don't. Foreman's not the only chocolate-covered cherry in the box.

Wilson: House, you play a guitar you got in 9th grade.

House: 8th.

Wilson: You're living in the same apartment for 15 years. You drive a 10-yr-old car, you are not good with change.

House: That used to be true, but I changed.

Wilson: He's not afraid to be you, he's afraid to be who he thinks you are. [He walks off and leaves House alone.]

(Cut to the conference room. Foreman is reading emails; Chase and Cameron are talking about the case in the background)

Chase: Rheumatic fever would explain the skin rash.

Cameron: Not the double vision or bloody urine.

Chase: They were lost at sea for 3 days; maybe dehydration caused the kidney problems.

[Foreman is laughing at his emails, House walks in]

Cameron: And the double vision?

Chase: Concussion during the shipwreck.

Foreman: It all fits as long as these symptoms started when you think it started.

House: This would be a lot easier if we had her medical records. Any of you certified deep sea divers?

Chase: She's from a dirt poor country in the tropics, infectious disease and parasites are the most likely cause of unexplained pain, fever and skin rash, we might as well start there.

House: [takes off his cap and puts it on a model of a brain] If there's one thing Castro knows is how to look great in green. [he gives pointed looks in Foreman's direction but the duckling has his back to the rest of the room and doesn't seem to see] And if there are two things Castro knows is how to look great in green and train doctors. Even without the medical records we can assume she was drowned in antibiotics before she risked drowning to see me.

Cameron: So what doesn't Castro know?

House: How to lay his hands on high-tech scanning equipment. [points to the list of symptoms on the board] Pain, double vision, point us towards the head. Cameron get an MRI, see what's cooking in the old cabeza. [she goes out to do as asked] Chase, check out the husband.

Chase: Why? He hasn't complained of any pain.

House: Basic math, take all her symptoms, subtract his sea symptoms, the remainder equals her original symptoms. [Chase walks out]

[House is left with Foreman who is still laughing at his emails; House gives him an awkward grimace-smile and walks out too]

(Esteban coughs, Chase is checking him out in another room)

Chase: You've pain?

Esteban: No, I'm just sunburned.

[Chase checks Esteban's eyes]

Chase: Any blurred vision?

Esteban: No. So my wife, she is with doctor House?

Chase: She is with another doctor who is part of doctor House's team.

Esteban: No, she's supposed to see doctor House. We have permission.

Chase: It's the way it works with doctor House.

Esteban: I came a thousand miles to see him!

Chase: He doesn't care. I'm sorry, but that's who he is, that's who you risked your life to see. And you made the right choice.

(Cameron in the MRI room with Marina)

[She hands Cameron a gold necklace]

Cameron: Any other metal? Must have been difficult on the boat. [She starts preparing Marina for the MRI]

Marina: When the storm came just... very much... I pray while my husband he um... [she says something in Spanish] with the paddles?

Cameron: You were on a boat without a motor?

Marina: No no, we start with the motor, but it break on the first night. My husband, he can fix anything. A washing machine, a car, a computer... but that stupid motor and me, these two he cannot fix.

Cameron: He got you to us.

Marina: He never gave up, no matter what happen, he kept saying to me don't worry, we will make it, I take care of you. He refuses to worry or pray, he believe if you don't have one, you don't need the other.

(Back in the conference room)

Chase: The husband has a pulled muscle in his shoulder but none of the pains or double vision. He does have a fever, fungal rash, cough and elevated bilirubin. Foreman's not going anywhere. [House turns around from checking something on the computer to face Chase]

House: He said that to you?

Chase: He doesn't really want to leave, and you don't really want to let him. You'll cave, just like you did with Cameron.

House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?

[Camera zooms to Cameron sitting on the other side of the long table looking a little miffed]

Cameron: I'm in the room.

Chase: He may not want a date but he does want... something.

House: Maybe it's something I can't offer.

Chase: Then you'll just lie.

House: He'd see through it.

Chase: Maybe. Or maybe he'll just see what he wants to see.

[Foreman walks in]

Foreman: She has MS. Explains the pain, the fatigue, double vision, kidney problems.

Chase: Her kidney problems aren't connected. Her husband has the same issues.

Foreman: It is possible for two people to have the same symptom for 2 different reasons.

Chase: If we're going to take that approach then we might as well just throw out everything we got from the husband and start over.

Foreman: We could do that, or we could do something productive, start her on interferon for the MS, see if she improves.

[They both turn to House; Chase has a mocking look for Foreman's suggestion on his face. House ponders]

House: I do like being productive. Well done, do it.

[Foreman walks out]

Chase: Well done? Is that what you think he wants? A pat on the head?

House: Go do your job.

(Foreman in the room with Esteban and Marina, he's preparing to put her on interferon)

Esteban: She does not have MS.

Foreman: I know it's not a pleasant diagnosis to hear-- [Marina is very distressed and crying]

Esteban: No, the doctors in Cuba would have found MS. [alarms start ringing] What's that?

Foreman: It's alright, the pulse oximeter just came off. [he clips it back on to her finger] Marina, you can't--

Marina: It hurts!

Esteban: The pain is getting worse, your treatment isn't working because it's not MS!

Foreman: Does this hurt? [he experimentally twists her arm and ends up breaking her wrist, she screams in pain]

(Close up on an x-ray of the broken wrist)

House: Wow. Well either Foreman's way stronger than he thinks he is or... [he turns around, the ducklings are silent] seriously or?

Cameron: She's too young for osteoporosis that severe.

Chase: And too old for osteogenesis imperfecta.

Foreman: Which leaves bone cancer.

Chase: Cancer's a long shot.

House: Why? Because metastatic tumours don't explain the abnormal MRI, kidney damage, cotton mouth, double vision? Oh wait, they do.

Chase: Infection could do all that too.

House: It's not an infection.

Chase: Because you know the non-existent medical records confirm that the brilliant doctors in Cuba treated her for infection? Or because you're trying to kiss up to Foreman?

House: Because an infection would cause a fever and the brilliant doctors who work in my office have already crossed that off the list because the husband--

Chase: You were the one who said that it's possible for 2 people to have the same symptom for 2 different reasons. [to Foreman]

Foreman: And you're the one who said if we do that, we might as well throw out everything we got from the husband.

Chase: Right, and then you said we should do something productive like breaking her arm?

House: Foreman didn't break her arm.

Chase: Of course he didn't.

House: Cancer did. Put her on a PET scan, see what else is breaking. [He prepares to walk out of the room]

Chase: This isn't going to work! He's not a moron, you can't just agree with everything he says for 2 days and hope he forgets the last 3 years and now actually hates you!

House: Anything else? When you get the results for the PET scan, let me know.

(Chase walks into House's office to have a private chat)

Chase: I don't really care if Foreman stays or goes but--

House: You're fired.

Chase: Wha... what because I yelled at you?

House: Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change.

Chase: [hesitates for a moment] Fine.

[He walks out still looking confused]

(In the MRI room)

Foreman: No tumours in her arm, sinovial membrane's working fine.

Cameron: No hotspots, no bone cancer. Maybe we should be looking for something else.

[Chase walks in wearing his street clothes, umbrella and bag]

Cameron: Is it raining out?

Chase: House fired me.

Foreman: What?

Cameron: Because you yelled at him?

Chase: Time for a change was the official explanation.

Cameron: It makes no sense.

Foreman: Since when does House make sense?

Cameron: He always makes sense.

Foreman: He's angry.

Cameron: Yes, it's all about you Foreman. He's upset you're leaving so he fires Chase.

Chase: Excuse me, by the humerus [he points to the results of a scan], she's got a hotspot.

[Cameron and Foreman look at it, then turn around to speak to Chase but he's already gone]

(Next scene, House is listening to Slippery When Wet by The Commodores while pretending to play guitar on his flaming cane and singing along - think of the air piano from S1, now we've got air guitar!)

[The 2 ducklings walk in, House switches off the music]

Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?

House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.

Foreman: Did you fire him for me?

House: Would you stay if I did?

Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?

Foreman: No!

House: Yes.

Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out? Kick the dog?

House: He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: [walks in] Why'd you fire Chase?

House: Do you know what's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: You two out. [they exit]

House: Woah, wait! What's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.

House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable. _____ you think they'd figure out somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans.

Wilson: [bursts in] What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?

House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan?

Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?

House: So that's a no?

Cuddy: Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.

House: [reluctantly picks up the phone and dials] Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back. [put the phone back down]

Wilson: Cut the crap.

Cuddy: Chase is a good doctor.

House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.

Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people.

House: [the phone rings] Hold that reprimand. [he picks up the phone] House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? [Wilson and Cuddy look on expectantly] Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [puts down the phone] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan revealed a blood clot in my patient's arm which means goodbye. Still got 2 people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]

(Foreman is speaking to Esteban)

Foreman: A clot means a heart problem, we have to do an emergency angiogram.

Esteban: But you know she has a blood clot.

Foreman: PET scan can't determine that with certainty.

Esteban: So you have no better idea what's wrong with her than when we first got here?

Foreman: We've ruled out MS.

Esteban: I told you it wasn't MS. Where is doctor House?

Foreman: Doctor House has left for the night; he'll be here in the morning to review the results if you sign the consent.

[Esteban signs]

Foreman: But you know, you could call him at home. He doesn't always pick up, so keep calling. [He writes down House's no. and gives it to Esteban]

Esteban: Thank you.

(At House's apartment, the house phone rings as he watches television, he ignores it and it goes to voice mail)

Esteban: Doctor House, it's Esteban Hernandez again, as soon as you get home it's very important you call me. [House is staring at an old acoustic guitar on the wall; probably the one Wilson mentioned earlier that he had since the 8th grade]

(We see Esteban kissing Marina on the forehead before she's wheeled into her angiogram, but the sound of House's home phone ringing again in the background and cutting to voicemail)

Esteban: Hello yes, doctor House, its Esteban Hernandez, as soon as you get home, if you can please call me?

(Scene cuts to Foreman and Cameron. Foreman's performing the angiogram on Marina, Cameron's sitting down and just watching him like she doesn't care)

Foreman: Catheter's in her femoral artery.

Cameron: Why are you telling me that?

Foreman: Because you're assisting.

Cameron: Do I look like I'm assisting?

Foreman: I had nothing to do with Chase's termination.

Marina: Is everything ok?

Foreman: You're doing fine, Marina. The dye will take a minute to work its way through your system.

Cameron: [finally gets up and walks to the table] Why would you tell House you're leaving because he's a jerk?

Foreman: Because it's the truth.

[The doors to the room suddenly open and House walks in]

House: Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?

Cameron: Why would you do that? You're not turning into House, you're worse than him.

Foreman: Let me get this straight, instead of picking up the phone and talking to a patient for 5 minutes, you gave up on sleep and you drove in here.

Marina: My chest. [she seems to have difficulty breathing and alarms start beeping]

Foreman: She's in v-tach.

House: What did you do?

Foreman: Nothing!

Cameron: You must have hit something, did you nick an artery?

Foreman: She has no pulse.

Marina: It hurts.

[House tries to feel for her pulse in her neck and looks shocked]

House: She has no pulse but she's talking. Cough.

[Marina coughs]

House: Cough again. Keep coughing, it'll push blood into your head, keep you conscious. [She obeys, Foreman is trying to help start her heart again through CPR] Push 1 mg epinephrine.

Marina: Will [cough] that [cough] help?

House: No, but it is amazingly cool.

[She drops into unconsciousness and Cameron brings an oxygen mask]

Cameron: We need to put her on bypass.

House: We need to keep her here, if this is a clot then forcing a bypass will blow it into her brain and kill her.

Cameron: If we continue CPR she'll lose blood flow which will cause brain damage.

House: What would cause the heart to stop? Let's assume it wasn't human error. [looks at Foreman]

Foreman: I didn't nick an artery, it just stopped.

House: Which is why I said assume.

Cameron: The only other option is electrical instability.

Foreman: No ST segment changes. We need to tell the husband.

House: Tell him what? We have no idea what happened. [he starts walking out of the room]

Cameron: House?

House: Keep going 'til I figure this out.

Cameron: House!!

(Next scene, Wilson is doing surgery with other doctors on a cancer patient)

Doctor: Geez, 47 I hope my colon looks better than this guy's. Isolating the first transverse...

[One of the screens filming the procedure is suddenly taken over by an image of House]

House: Help! I'm trapped inside a monitor!

[Everyone stops and turns around - House is lying on the operating table in the next OR videoing himself and sending the image to the TV in this OR]

Wilson: Not a good time, House.

House: My patient lost her heartbeat during a routine cardiac catheterisation so--

Wilson: Human error.

House: It's not human error.

Wilson: Electrical instability?

House: Pre-procedure EKG was normal, no syncope.

Wilson: Ischemia?

House: Foreman said no ST segment changes.

Wilson: Human error is the only other possible--

House: It's not human error.

Wilson: [he finally turns around to face House on the monitor] Of course it's human error, you don't want Foreman to have made a mistake because then you'd have to mock him, and that would put a crimp in your brilliant plan of keeping him by having a breakdown and firing Chase.

House: Did you just spin on the monitor? You know I can't see you. [Wilson turns back to the surgery looking perplexed] Human error would not explain her symptoms.

Wilson: You mean her heart stopping?

House: I mean her foot pain, her back pain...

Wilson: House, I'm busy. You have a team, run your differential with them.

House: Foreman and Cameron are doing CPR.

Wilson: Then you shouldn't have fired Chase. Change is fun huh?

(Scene changes back to the room where Marina had her angiogram. There are plenty of hospital stuff surrounding her now, all taking turns to give Marina CPR to keep her alive)

Foreman: 5, 6, 7, 8.

Cameron: Go! [Another nurse takes over to pump Marina's chest] Someone's got to talk to the husband; he thought this whole thing was going to last 45 minutes.

Foreman: Half an hour more of this, nothing to talk about, won't be able to bring her back. We gotta get her on bypass.

Nurse: [walks in] House still isn't answering his phone.

Foreman: [points to another nurse] You, get in here. [he swaps positions with the nurse and then walks out]

(Outside, Esteban is talking to another nurse)

Esteban: Excuse me, my wife was supposed to be back an hour ago.

Nurse: Soon as we know anything we'll call you.

Esteban: Thank you.

(At the lobby, Cuddy walks to the reception and signs something, surrounded by a group of med students she seems to be instructing)

Cuddy: Human behaviour finals will also get into clinical presentations of mania and we'll touch on _____ PET scans.

House: [from the balcony above] Excuse me, professor.

Cuddy: House, when we're done with our rounds-

House: My patient has no heartbeat. Stopped when we inserted a catheter during a routine angiogram. Anyone tells me why her heart stopped gets an A in doctor Cuddy's class.

Cuddy: [turns to the class] Anyone?

Student1: Human error?

House: Yeah, I'm polling first year medical students because I hadn't considered human error.

Student2: Marfan syndrome?

House: Structural abnormalities would show up on the echo, you get a C.

Student3: Botox injections.

House: F.

Student3: If the injection was tainted with live botulism, it'd fit.

House: B+. Unfortunately, she missed her last botox appointment due to a boating accident, but send me your resume.

Foreman: [walks up to House on the balcony] House, time's up.

House: [looks at Foreman who is drenched in sweat] Good lord, you smell like muskox.

Foreman: Either our patient goes on bypass or I call time of death.

Cuddy: Your patient isn't already on bypass?

House: I was worried about a clot.

Cuddy: How long?

Foreman: 3 hours!

Cuddy: House. Bypass, now.

(Esteban is sitting pensively in front of the cascading waterfall walls)

[Suddenly a set of doors burst open. A gurney with Marina on it is racing down the corridor. There are nurses surrounding the gurney and Foreman is kneeling on top of Marina continuing to do CPR)

Nurse: Clear the hall!

Esteban: Doctor Foreman! My wife? What is happening?!

Foreman: Her heart stopped, we have to get her on bypass.

Cameron: You need to wait outside!

[They burst through another set of doors leaving Esteban behind]

(Next scene, House is in his office playing catch with his ball, Esteban walks in)

Esteban: Doctor House?

House: You can vacuum later.

Esteban: I am not the janitor; I am Esteban Hernandez, what happened to my wife?

House: Her heart stopped.

Esteban: Why did her heart stop?

House: If I knew that, I'd be coming to you.

Esteban: Tell me where you take her. Tell me what has happen to her.

House: Happening. Present participle. Not a particularly interesting form of speech, kind of like of this conversation.

Esteban: But... I risk my life to see you. I look you up, you fix people. When everyone else gives up, you don't and now you insult me? Ignore my wife?

House: [takes a vicodin] Helps my process.

Esteban: No, you do not ignore my wife, ok? She is everything to me.

House: Well then you do not ignore your wife.

Esteban: You just sit here... you don't talk to people. How do you fix something if you don't look at it?

[House gives that a thought then grabs his cane and walks out of the room]

(In the OR where Marina is in surgery)

Surgeon: Turn on the bypass please. Good, good distal flow.

[House bursts into the OR not even wearing the scrubs properly.

House: Need to look at the heart.

Surgeon: Why?

House: Can't find my wallet. Pick it up, turn it over.

Surgeon: I don't see anything physically wrong with her heart. [He picks it up and turns it around, examining it]

House: Hearts don't stop for no reason.

Surgeon: Ok, take your look. [House takes a closer look] Do you see anything wrong?

House: Give her a jump start.

[A nurse passes the surgeon the paddles]

Surgeon: Clear. [the jolt is delivered to her heart, but she is still flat lining] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt]

House: And again,

Surgeon: Clear. [and another jolt] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt, all of which have had no effect on the flat lining heart]

House: Again.

Surgeon: Yeah, 7th time is the charm. [he hands the paddles back to the nurse] Sorry, I'll keep her on bypass until the husband has a chance to say goodbye.

House: I'm not telling her husband anything until I can tell him why his wife--

Surgeon: Doesn't matter, the heart can't start. She's dead.

(Cut to Foreman in the conference room putting his stuff into boxes)

[Cameron enters with a present]

Cameron: I got you something.

[Foreman unwraps it to find a framed page of the Midwest Journal of Experimental Medicine where Foreman's article on Andie's "autopsy" (the girl from 2.02 Autopsy) and which Foreman and Cameron argued on both writing up (in 2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie) has been highlighted to show his achievement]

Cameron: I'll miss you. I know you won't miss me but I just thought it'd be nice for you to have that.

Foreman: [gets up] I will miss you. [he hugs her]

House: [walks in] Can I have a hug too? Surgeon found nothing, can't start her heart. [looks at the present] What a thoughtful gift. Nice reminder of intellectual theft to hang at your new place of employment. You two can go, say hi to Chase for me. [He looks at Cameron] You're wearing lipstick.

Cameron: We can stay. We can run another differential.

House: You two have no theories about why the heart stopped. Which means I don't need you, go.

Foreman: It's too late for theories; we need to tell the husband.

House: Tell him what?

Foreman: That it's over.

House: Why?

Cameron: Because her heart won't start!

House: How can we tell him there's no hope if we don't know why there's no hope? He's not going to pull the plug on his wife, he risked his life to get her to me. If he pulls the plug it means he's failed.

Foreman: If he pulls the plug it means you failed.

House: And you're ok with that? Go.

[the ducklings leave]

(At a bar/restaurant, Chase is having dinner alone, Cameron walks in and sits next to him)

Cameron: Hey.

Chase: Hey. You look great.

Cameron: You know House firing you has nothing to do with you?

Chase: The why doesn't matter.

Cameron: Foreman will end up staying and House will call you and probably yell at you for not showing up.

Chase: Its... its okay. He's right; it's time for a change. You were right too, the whole it's Tuesday I like you... it was silly. Oh, don't give me that look, don't feel sorry for me. Getting this job was THE best thing that has ever happened to me, everything about it. And losing it? Well I... think it's... gonna be good too.

Cameron: I'll miss you.

Chase: Have you got time for a drink or something?

Cameron: I think I should go.

Chase: [shrugs] Yeah.

(That night - in Marina's room, the bypass machines keep going, cut to another room where Esteban is sitting alone holding a white flower in his hand, cut to the next room where House is staring at the whiteboard in his office)

Cuddy: [walks in] How's it going?

House: The way the security light hits your legs... looks good.

Cuddy: Thank you.

House: If you're here to yell at me about the Foreman-Chase situation, it can wait.

Cuddy: When do you plan on telling the husband it's time to say goodbye to his wife?

House: Haven't put a clock on it.

Cuddy: Other than your curiosity, do you have any reason to keep her on bypass?

House: Patient's husband prefers her not dead.

Cuddy: Well you're on a storybook ending for the young man who crossed the ocean for his wife.

House: This is not an act, I don't care if--

Cuddy: Then pull the plug.

House: What if I can fix it? Maybe I just don't know it yet.

Cuddy: I know you care--

House: I don't care. I really don't care. My motives are pure - if we do an autopsy, you'll see... oops... if I'd thought of that crazy idea, we could have saved her. And then the husband might be upset.

Cuddy: You've done all you can do. It's time to let go. [she walks out]

(Esteban is crying and praying by candlelight in the chapel)

[House walks in and joins him]

House: I was told you didn't believe in God.

Esteban: I don't. I promised my wife I do everything I can to fix her, if I don't pray, then I don't do everything.

House: It's not working, she's not coming back. If you want to say goodbye, come down to the ICU, then I'll take her off bypass. I'm sorry, I should've-- [Esteban turns to House and clings to him for comfort as he cries]

(Back in Marina's room later, Esteban is saying goodbye to his wife)

Esteban: Marina, I am so sorry. [he strokes her arm lovingly] When you turn the machine off, that's it?

House: [nods] Yeah.

Esteban: Right now is her brain working?

House: Probably. Just not her heart.

Esteban: She seems like she's just sleeping.

House: She's not sleeping, we double-checked.

[Esteban quietly nods and House slowly turns off the bypass machines button-by-button]

Esteban: [says something in Spanish and kisses Marina's forehead, then puts his head on her chest as he cries]

[Suddenly he gets up]

Esteban: Her heart... beat.

House: No, it's residual flow from the bypass.

Esteban: No, I can feel it, look.

[He takes House's hand and puts it on his wife's chest above her heart. House is startled and turns on the heart monitor which shows Marina's heart to be beating normally]

Esteban: That is her heart, no?

House: QRST wave, that's a normal normal.

[Marina wakes up]

Marina: [something in Spanish]

Esteban: Marina.

House: Holy crap.

Marina: Is this heaven?

House: No, it's New Jersey.

Esteban: God send you back to me. [he kisses her again] It's a miracle.

[House looks up at the ceiling with a look of "why, god?" on his face]

(Next scene, Esteban is helping Marina to drink by giving her an ice cube to suck, cut to House and Cameron in the conference room)

House: It's impossible.

Cameron: Apparently not.

House: Live hearts don't stop for no reason. Dead hearts don't start for no reason.

Cameron: Apparently they do.

Foreman: [walks in] She's 3 hours off bypass and still stable. And the pain is gone.

House: No it's not.

Cameron: You think she's lying about feeling better?

House: Just 'coz it's not there now doesn't mean it’s gone.

Foreman: Just because it was there before doesn't mean it's coming back. Chase was probably right, she had some sort of tropical infection that cleared when we put her on antibiotics during the bypass.

House: Antibiotics did not bring her back to life.

Cameron: Other than a miracle, it's the only explanation for her symptoms.

House: How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped? What if it wasn't human error? What if it was God's error? A congenital defect in an artery making it susceptible to inflammation. We need to do another angiogram.

Cameron: We've looked at her heart a hundred different ways, there was no evidence--

House: The one time we looked inside her heart we stopped before we could see anything.

Foreman: Because it stopped.

(House walks into Marina and Esteban's room)

House: Good news, we think we know what the problem is.

Esteban: You mean was.

House: Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart.

Marina: [asks something in Spanish]

House: In case no one's filled you in, today is Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back it can get serious. I need to do another angiogram.

Esteban: Wait, wasn't that what caused her heart to stop before?

House: No, God caused that. He's all powerful you know.

Marina: [agrees in Spanish] He was watching over us in the ocean and he's watching over us now.

House: Your rescuers didn't have wings, they had a helicopter.

Marina: ______

House: You know how many little boys are praying for jet packs? How many priests are paying for... uhh, that one actually works.

Marina: You didn't bring me back to him

House: I'm not going to take you away from him but if we don't do this test, God will.

Esteban: You said there was no chance, no hope, which means--

House: Which means I was wrong. But I'm wrong all the time, my mistakes don't prove there's a God. You came a long way to see me, you going to put her life in God's hands or in mine?

(Back in that room, House is now performing the angiogram on Marina)

House: Ready?

[Marina raises her head, Esteban is watching the procedure from an upper deck window, they smile at each other]

House: [to Esteban] I better not see you praying! I don't want to have to fight for credit on this. Exiting the femoral, entering the aortic arch.

Foreman: This is where--

House: Where we stopped to have a picnic last week.

[alarms start beeping]

Cameron: Her blood pressure's rising.

House: Mine's rising too, 'course I am doing battle with a deity. [continues to concentrate on the procedure] In the heart, injecting the dye.

Cameron: Right coronary flow isn't obstructed, left coronary flow looks normal.

Foreman: Looks like you're wrong.

House: Either I'm right, or this test is about to go very bad.

[They continue to intensely watch the screen]

Cameron: What's that?

House: She has one... two... third ostium. How many is she supposed to have? [turns to Marina] Dos. [That's two in Spanish] All the third one's doing is causing inflammation, throwing off clots, giving away the angiogram. No human would screw up that big! [he directs that at Esteban] Don't worry, just one more surgery and you'll be fine.

Marina: Thank god.

House: [in jest at another reference to thanking god] Don't make me slap you. [Marina laughs, Esteban looks relieved]

(Monday night, Cameron is waiting outside Chase's door when he opens it)

Chase: Hi.

Cameron: Its Tuesday.

Chase: Uhh... no, it’s Monday.

Cameron: I know, it's just... I didn't feel like waiting.

[they smile at each other and share a kiss]

(In the staff room at the hospital, House is preparing some sandwiches)

Wilson: [enters] I hear you got another satisfied customer.

House: One more and I get a set of steak knives.

[Foreman walks out from the lockers in a suit and carrying a couple of bags of his stuff, there's an awkward silence between the 3 men]

Foreman: [shrugs] Well, this is it. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me.

House: Didn't do it for you, not sure you were the best guy for the job.

Foreman: Thanks, I guess.

House: Which is why I want you to stay. You're an important part of the team, I need you.

[Wilson looks back and forth between House and Foreman]

Foreman: I know. But I don't need you, and I definitely don't want to be you. You're miserable.

House: I just solved a case by predicting a never before seen heart defect, a case you couldn't solve, a case you gave up on; I couldn't be happier.

Foreman: For 2 minutes maybe, until the next case comes along, until you're jonesing for your next fix. This woman talks while in full cardiac arrest and you're more excited about the talking than the heart dying.

House: The two were connected.

Foreman: I don't want to solve cases, I want to save lives.

House: Do you think she cares? Do you think the husband cares? Do you think the children she can now have because of me are going to care why I saved her?

Foreman: I care.

House: About yourself. About your own ego!

Wilson: [warningly] House.

House: You're the selfish bastard, not me. It's why you took so much pleasure in drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last 3 weeks, wasn't for me, wasn't for anyone, sure as hell didn't help anyone.

[Foreman smiles a knowingly smug smile and then walks out without a word]

Wilson: Nice try.

House: Nice tries are worthless.

(House's office, Cameron is waiting in his chair when he walks in)

House: You now have a bigger office than I do, why don't you go enjoy it.

[Cameron hands him a folded letter]

House: Better be naked pictures.

Cameron: My resignation letter.

[House looks surprised at first but seems resigned as he puts the letter down]

Cameron: I've gotten all I can from this job.

House: What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologise? Beg Chase to come back?

Cameron: No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

[she walks out]

(House smokes Cuban cigars with Esteban in the room adjoining Marina's - not sure how that happens since I'm pretty sure they must have smoke detectors)

House: Genuine American cigars, you guys can't get them in Cuba, one hundred percent healthy.

Esteban: [pours a drink and passes it to him] Shouldn't you go home?

House: Patient follow-up, very important.

[They clink glasses and drink while watching Marina]

House: She looks great, like she's sleeping.

Esteban: She is sleeping, I double-check. So, they all quit.

House: Two of them quit, I fired the third.

Esteban: It's very hard to lose your people. Must be very upset.

House: Yeah, I must be.

Esteban: But you're not.

House: I don't think I am. I think I'm okay.

Esteban: What are you going to do?

House: God only knows.

(Back at 221B Baker Street)

[House arrives home, discovers a huge box waiting for him, inspects it and smiles. He drags it into his apartment and takes out the contents - a brand new guitar. He takes down the 8th grade guitar off the wall as that is now to be the space taken up by his new guitar, a sign of the changes he's willing to make and accept. The episode ends with House playing his new guitar.]

Season 3 X 23 : The Jerk

2007-05-15T14:31:00.000+08:00

Original Airdate: 5/15/2007

Written by: Leonard Dick
Directed by: Daniel Sackheim
Transcript by: Rahul

[Auditorium. Day. Focus on a chess clock. A hand slaps the clock and then moves a white pawn on the chessboard. Almost immediately, another hand slaps the clock and moves his black piece forward (diagonally in front of the white pawn). Slap. White pawn takes black pawn. The camera moves upwards, showing a Speed Chess Tournament in progress. Three rows of chessboards (mounted on tables), proctors' table in front. Players move fast and slap their clocks. In the midst of the players is Nate Harrison, 16, chess prodigy (playing white). He plays with an older player (lets call him Ben), taunting his every move.]

NATE: So you want me to explain how you just lost?

[Ben looks up, smiling humourlessly.]

NATE: Or do you wanna stare at the board your full... [checks the clock] three minutes? Cling to hope?

[Ben slowly places his fingers on a black pawn. Nate smirks and sits back, acting bored.]

NATE: C'mon. It's called speed chess.

[Ben has had just about enough. The two of them start giving new meaning to speed chess.
Black pawn takes white pawn. Slap.
Nate moves his bishop. Slap.
Black knight takes white bishop. Slap.
White rook takes black knight. Slap.
Ben moves his king. Slap.
Nate moves his rook. Slap.
Black king takes white queen. Slap.
Nate moves his rook in line with the black king. Slap.
Ben takes the rook. Slap.
Nate moves a pawn (three in a row). Slap.
Nate looks at Ben, who seems unsure now. Nate exhales sharply through his mouth.
Ben moves his king. Slap.
Nate rests his head on his hand and looks at Ben, a snide grin on his face.]

NATE: [singing quietly] Na-na na-na... na-na na-na... hey-hey-hey...

[He slowly moves his knight. Ben looks panicked. Nate looks up at him as he finishes singing.]

NATE: [singing] ... good-bye.

Nate taps his knight on the black knight in front of the king. Ben knows it's over. Nate slaps the white knight to the side of the black knight, effectively checkmating Ben. He slaps the clock with finality. With a pursed grin, he sits back. Ben looks, almost desperately, for any opening. He sees none. Finally, with a sporting grin and nod, he places his finger on his king and lays it down. Nate raises his hands in victory and sighs. Ben stands and holds out his hand to Nate.]

BEN: Good game.

[Nate doesn't seem to be very interested in this sporting gesture right now. He grimaces tightly. Ben looks around, bemused, and then back at Nate.]

BEN: [persisting] I said "good game".

[Nate, his head still lowered, still grimacing tightly, stands. He winces sharply in pain. Ben still stands, hand held out. Nate looks up at Ben, an enraged look on his face. He grabs the chess clock and swings it at Ben's face. WHAM!! The clock smashes into Ben's face, knocking him to the ground. The other people immediately turn to look, proctors running over to help. Nate jumps over the table and strikes Ben again in the head, multiple times. Screams are heard. Ben's face is covered in his blood; Nate's, however, is covered with uncontrolled rage. The proctors come running to rescue Ben.]

PROCTOR: Hey! Hey!

[Nate keeps hammering away on the unconscious Ben. As he's about to strike again, a proctor comes running up from behind and grabs his hand, yanking away the clock.]

PROCTOR: Stop it! Stop that!

[He throws the bloody clock to the floor. Three others join in and drag a struggling Nate away from the profusely-bleeding Ben.]

PROCTOR: Back away from him! Back away!

[A female proctor comes over to check up on Ben. She removes her sweater and applies it to Ben's face. She seems appalled at the sight. The proctors push Nate down near the proctor's table. Nate grasps his head in agony.]

FEMALE PROCTOR: [trying not to panic] Call nine-one-one! Get an ambulance!

[A proctor crouches next to Nate, who is holding his head and squirming on the floor.]

PROCTOR: Tell them to send two!

NATE: [through clenched teeth] My head's gonna explode! [cries out] Aaaah!

HARD CUT TO:

[Opening credits.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Nate's room. Nate is lying in his bed, still holding his head, but in much less pain than before. His mother, Enid Harrison, stands nearby, while Chase looks through an illuminated magnifying glass into Nate's eyes.]

CHASE: Your head still hurt?

NICK: You a moron?

[Chase looks at Nate in surprise.]

ENID: [admonishing] Nate.

NATE: I'm clutching my head in pain, and he asks if it hurts? [to Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have theme birthday parties.

[Chase hardly looks flattered.]

ENID: [to Chase, sheepishly] Sorry.

CHASE: [staying professional] Any problems concentrating in school lately?

NATE: Uh, besides the dreams of running my tongue along my French teacher's breasts? No, I'm doing quite great.

[Chase wonders at the kid's irreverence.]

CHASE: The rage and pain could be caused by a parasite. Does he eat a lot of sushi?

ENID: No. Uh, he was a vegetarian until just a few months ago.

CHASE: Any changes in behaviour since the new diet?

ENID: [sadly] No. He's been this way since he became a teenager. It doesn't matter how much I yell or punish, he's still gonna say...

NATE: [mock-crying] Yeah, let's all shed a tear for poor little Nate's mother. [mock-cries a little more, stops] Any more stupid questions?

ENID: Nate!

[Chase looks like he's ready to deck the little punk.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostics Office. The Ducklings and House are present. Chase angrily writes "RAGE" on the whiteboard.]

CHASE: I hate this... kid.

HOUSE: I like this kid.

CHASE: You haven't met him.

HOUSE: I know you hate him. What more do I need to know? [addressing everyone] The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get into a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.

CAMERON: Pain's not limited to his head.

CHASE: The rest is bumps and bruises accounted for by the seventeen fights he's been in this semester.

CAMERON: Concussion?

CHASE: MRI was clean. No frontal lobe tumor. And the tox screen showed no trace of coke or amphetamines.

FOREMAN: Nate went medieval on the other kid. Could be...

HOUSE: Hold on. [closing his eyes] I'm having a moment. This... [imitates choking back a sob] this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.

[Cameron finds the joke funny enough to smile at.]

FOREMAN: Which could create excess adrenaline. Causes the head pain and rage.

HOUSE: But not the personality disorder.

FOREMAN: There is no personality disorder. He's a teenager.

HOUSE: Being a teenager excuses the odd inappropriate comment. This kid say anything appropriate?
[announcing] He's having cluster headaches. Probably been having them for years. Question is, what's causing them?

FOREMAN: If it were just a cluster headache, he'd have swelling around the eyes.

[House starts writing "PERSONALITY" on the whiteboard.]

HOUSE: ER gave him ibuprofen for the pain. Useless for this pain. It could have knocked down the swelling. Best bet is a vascular problem.

CAMERON: [reads a file] Normal treatment for cluster headaches is steroids, which the ER also gave him. He's still in pain. Which means...

HOUSE: [turns around] Normal treatment is called normal treatment because sometimes you have to use abnormal treatment. Start him on blood thinners and give his noggin Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.

[The Ducklings start to get up.]

HOUSE: Don't you dare... touch that acerbic wit.

[He goes into his office.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Outside Diagnostics Office/Hallway (continuous). The Ducklings walk out of the office, heading for the elevator.]

CHASE: Fifty bucks to whichever of you steps up and treats this brat.

CAMERON: Not the kid's fault, he's sick.

CHASE: Fine! You do it.

CAMERON: [turns, smiling] No way. He's your brat.

FOREMAN: I'll do it. But I've got a job interview after work. Anything comes up later, you guys handle it.

CAMERON: [supportive] Need a peer recommendation?

FOREMAN: Thanks.

[He looks at Chase for a similar gesture.]

CHASE: Cameron's should suffice.

[With a pout, he walks off. Foreman looks at Cameron. She shrugs, smiling, and follows Chase into the elevator. Foreman shakes his head and walks off-screen.]

CUT TO:

[TMS Room. Foreman administers TMS to Nate. He holds a plastic handheld console over Nate's head, while looking in the monitors at the results.]

NATE: This isn't gonna turn me into some, like, drooling vegetable wets his pants, is it?

FOREMAN: It's safe. The magnetic pulses activate nerve cells which will hopefully squelch the head pain.

NATE: Is there anything you can do about the other pain?

FOREMAN: From the fights?

NATE: Yeah, I mean, my face, my shoulder, my stomach. I can barely bend my fingers.

FOREMAN: You're already on pain meds. Nothing more I can do.

NATE: Sure you can, man. Tell your [pounds his chest lightly] homies to quit stomping on me!

FOREMAN: [smirking] I'll get the word out that you're a great guy.

NATE: [looking at Foreman] So, do people watch what they say around you?

FOREMAN: Because I'm black?

NATE: [laughs] No, because you're gay.

[Foreman lowers the console and looks at Nate, having pretty much the same thoughts Chase had previously towards him.]

CUT TO:

[Outside TMS Room. Enid watches the procedure, while Chase explains it to her.]

CHASE: Cluster headaches can persist for years, cause irritability or even hostility towards others.

ENID: You mean, the illness is affecting his personality?

CHASE: If these treatments work, it could...

ENID: ... change him?

CHASE: Yeah.

ENID: [tears of joy] Oh, thank God.

[Chase seems surprised.]

ENID: [looking at him] Oh. Oh, you must think I'm awful. Here, my son's lying in a hospital bed and...

CHASE: [understanding] I-I'm pretty sure I get it.

ENID: [shrugging] I thought I was a bad mother. And I hated myself. Because I hated him.

[Off Chase, we...]

CUT TO:

[Aerial View of PPTH. Day.]

HOUSE: [vo] What do you got for me this...

CUT TO:

[PPTH Diagnostics Office. House enters, wearing his jacket, bag around his shoulder and his Bitchin' Cane in his hand. The Ducklings are already there.]

HOUSE: ... fine morning?

CHASE: Blood thinners and TMS had no effect. It's not cluster headaches.

HOUSE: You accusing the symptoms of lying?

[He goes to the pantry. In the foreground, Foreman stands, not looking particularly cheerful.]

CAMERON: Could be hemochromatosis.

HOUSE: Wouldn't account for the personality disorder.

[House looks at Foreman (at his right, facing away from him), noticing the sour face.]

CAMERON: What about hypothyroidism?

HOUSE: He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver.

CAMERON: What about ruptured dermoid cyst?

[House feigns staggering backwards.]

HOUSE: Sorry. Just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. It's Foreman's turn to be shot down.

FOREMAN: [hardly amused] The thing that Cameron said.

HOUSE: Way to think outside the box.

[Cameron and Chase exchange "huh?" looks.]

HOUSE: But no fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches.

CHASE: Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work.

HOUSE: Good point, Foreman!

[Foreman stands quietly, arms folded.]

HOUSE: The treatments don't always work. Symptoms never lie.

[He takes a swig of "ONS" Energy Drink.]

CAMERON: The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery. And that's not even a guarantee.

HOUSE: [shouting into Foreman's ear] Back off, Foreman!

[Foreman doesn't even react. Cameron looks really baffled and looks at a similarly clueless Chase.]

HOUSE: If the approved treatment doesn't work, we go with an unapproved treatment.

[He limps off. Foreman looks at him and follows, still angry.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Outside Diagnostics Office, continuous. Foreman strides up to House.]

FOREMAN: Hey!

[House turns and keeps limping towards the elevator.]

HOUSE: Something on your mind?

[House hits the elevator button.]

HOUSE: Because you totally can't tell.

FOREMAN: I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday.

HOUSE: Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling.

FOREMAN: [mad] Didn't happen, because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have neurological issue?

HOUSE: Yes.

[The elevator dings and the doors open. Two other people are already on it.]

FOREMAN: [shouting] Why are you jerking me around?

HOUSE: It wasn't me.

[He enters the elevator.]

FOREMAN: Yeah! It was one of the other petty, socially repressed asses I work for.

[He joins House in the elevator.]

HOUSE: Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher.

[The elevator doors close.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Lobby. House and Foreman make way for the other passengers to get off the elevator and walk off themselves.]

FOREMAN: If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay.

HOUSE: Would it matter?

FOREMAN: No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it.

HOUSE: If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it?

[Foreman, at the end of his rope, stops. House turns to face him.]

FOREMAN: I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases! Scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future.

HOUSE: You're gonna be all whiny during the differential diagnoses, aren't you?

[Foreman sighs in frustration and starts to walk away.]

HOUSE: [calling after him] It wasn't me.

[Foreman turns.]

HOUSE: I only sabotage people I consider worth it.

[Foreman walks away, not feeling any better. House thinks about it and has a thought. He turns and walks towards the clinic.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Cuddy's Office. Cuddy is at a desk near the door, with Nurse Unger (holding a file) hovering over her shoulder. House enters.]

HOUSE: [dramatically, pointing his cane at her] You are one evil,... cunning woman. It's a massive turn-on.

[Cuddy almost seems flattered, though she seems to have no idea what he's talking about.]

HOUSE: You girls can gossip later.

CUDDY: What are you talking about?

HOUSE: [takes a seat] You called New York Mercy to have Foreman's job interview killed.

[Cuddy seems genuinely surprised.]

HOUSE: [to Nurse Unger] When I said, "You girls can gossip later," I was throwing you out, but in a polite way.

[Nurse Unger grabs her files from Cuddy and leaves.]

CUDDY: Well, I take it you're off your antidepressants.

HOUSE: Ah, you're deflecting. Only I'm allowed to do that. [drinks his energy drink]

CUDDY: Does Foreman actually think I did that?

HOUSE: No, just me. But I know something he doesn't. I didn't do it.

CUDDY: Why would I do it?

HOUSE: Do you want him to leave?

CUDDY: No.

HOUSE: Were you planning on doing something?

CUDDY: I'm waiting for board approval.

HOUSE: But if he takes the job, there's nothing to be done. You had to stop him.

[She gets up from the smaller desk, files in hand, and walks towards her larger desk.]

CUDDY: Wasn't me.

[She places the files on a cabinet and starts to go through them, when she becomes aware of House standing behind her, at almost an arm's distance. Amused, she turns to face him.]

CUDDY: What are you doing?

HOUSE: Looking for a tell. Rapid eye blink, twitch of the lips.

CUDDY: [ushering him out] Send in Nurse Unger when you pass her on your way out.

[House stops near the door.]

HOUSE: Oh! Almost forgot. I need to give a sixteen-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?

CUDDY: [deadpan] Yeah, no problem.

[House nods and walks out. Cuddy looks fearfully at House leaving, suddenly coming to the realisation that sarcasm with House isn't the best idea. She races out after him.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Lobby. Cuddy catches up with House.]

CUDDY: I was being sarcastic.

[House turns and keeps walking. Cuddy walks with him, towards the elevator.]

HOUSE: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript. Mushrooms have psilocybins that work on cluster headaches. It's either that or cutting into his brain and going on a fishing expedition.

[They stop at the elevator.]

CUDDY: I assume you've considered he could have a psychogenic experience. Possibly suffer a fit of severe paranoia.

HOUSE: [pretends to think] Well, I have now. Yeah, it's definitely better that the Dean of Medicine prescribes it instead of an unhinged doctor with a history of drug use. Takes the stink off if the patient decides to put on a cape and fly off the roof.

[He takes a sip of his energy drink.]

CUDDY: Low dose. No more than ten milligrams. Tightly controlled setting.

[The elevator dings, door opens.]

CUDDY: And make sure the mother signs off on it.

HOUSE: Party on, Garth. And don't stand in Foreman's way. It's just wrong.

[Cuddy smiles at him, eyes closed. The elevator door closes.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Nate's room. Chase and Cameron stand at the door with Enid, who goes through a consent form, while Nate lies in bed, still holding his head with his left hand, able to hear them.]

CHASE: New research shows that a chemical component in the mushrooms can be...

NATE: [interrupting] Yeah, lots of technical medical stuff. So, when do I get 'em?

ENID: I went to college. I know about mushrooms. A friend of a friend shot himself in the foot.

NATE: [sighs in exasperation] They're not giving me a gun, Enid! Sign the consent form.

CHASE: We'll be monitoring him, but cardiac arrest is possible.

NATE: [air-writing] Big E... small N...

ENID: [apprehensive] And if... the mushrooms don't work?

[In frustration, Nate puts both hands to his head.]

CAMERON: The next step would be a type of brain surgery.

ENID: Oh, God.

NATE: Pain's gettin' worse! Need... 'shrooms... now!

[Enid signs.]

CUE MUSIC: Iron Butterfly's "In-a-gadda-da-vida"

CUT TO:

[Nate's room, later. Safe to assume Nate got his 'shrooms. The camera rotates slowly as it zooms downward towards Nate's face as the music plays. He opens his eyes, a wasted smile on his face.]

NATE: Oh, yeah.

[Chase and Cameron stand in front of his bed.]

CHASE: Nate, how's the pain?

NATE: Hey, hey!

[NATE'S POV: Psychedelically-coloured double-vision of Chase and Cameron.]

NATE: It's Skippy, the bush kangaroo!

[Chase, of course, doesn't seem too flattered. Cameron seems to find it funny.]

CHASE: Your head, Nate. We need to know how the pain is.

NATE: [drawling] What I got here... is the opposite of pain.

CAMERON: That means you're suffering from cluster headaches. Which means, hopefully...

[NATE'S POV: He looks at Cameron.]

NATE: [laughs] Man, you're hot! [to Chase, wide-eyed] She's making me horny.

CHASE: Deal with it.

NATE: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't get me stoned, then not close the deal.

CHASE: [under his breath] Shut up.

CAMERON: [whispering to Chase] Take it easy. He's not well.

NATE: [laughs] You'll regret saying no. Check it out.

[He opens his gown, exposing himself to them. Cameron recoils, while Chase moves to cover him up.]

CHASE: [in disgust] Oh, for God's sake.

[Nate laughs. Cameron takes a look, but sees something (medically!!) interesting.]

CAMERON: Hold it.

[She holds Nate's gown open, looking at his groin.]

CHASE: What're you doing?

[She looks closer, while Nate sighs in satisfaction.]

CUT TO;

[PPTH, Nurse's Station/Hallway. Cameron bends over the 'station, while Chase stands nearby.]

CAMERON: He has undersized testes.

[House jerks up from underneath the counter.]

CAMERON: His other secondary sexual characteristics are normal.

HOUSE: If you wanna curry favor with me, avoid discussions of other men's testicles.

[A nurse testily holds a fifty-cent coin in front of him (obviously that's what he was looking for). Cameron raises her eyebrows. House looks sheepish.]

HOUSE: [to the nurse] Thanks. [to Cameron] Focus on phrases like "You were right about the cluster headaches."

[They walk away from the nurse's station and roam the hallways.]

CHASE: But wrong about what caused them. Vascular problem in a major artery wouldn't cause hypogonadism.

HOUSE: Okay, what causes rage, headaches, personality disorder and hypogonadism?

CAMERON: [looking around] Where's Foreman?

HOUSE: He's mad at me.

CAMERON: Why?

HOUSE: No reason.

CHASE: [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense.

HOUSE: Male genitals are controlled by the hypothalamus and pituitary gland. We're not talking about Foreman anymore.

CAMERON: The kid's being pummeled at school. A couple blows to the head could cause hypothalamic lesions. We ever gonna talk about what happens when Foreman's gone?

HOUSE: If this were an employee-owned airline in Scandinavia, yes. It's not lesions. His temperature would be all over the map. Symptoms don't lie.

CAMERON: [re: Foreman] He's gone in less than a week and you haven't even read a résumé?

[They stop at the elevator.]

CHASE: Doesn't even need to. The two of us can handle it. Craniopharyngioma fits the symptoms.

[The elevator dings, door opens.]

HOUSE: [jerks a nod] Biopsy the brat's pituitary. [enters the elevator] And let the record show I was right about the cluster headaches.

[Elevator door closes.]

CUT TO:

[Nate's Room. Cameron and Chase speak to a now-sober Nate (seated in bed) and Enid about the procedure.]

NATE: Forget it!

CAMERON: It's a straightforward procedure. We thread an endoscopic tube through the nostril...

NATE: And cut something out of my brain? No way.

CAMERON: If it's a tumor, it could kill you.

NATE: Just give me more 'shrooms, okay? I'll be fine.

ENID: You only need my consent, right?

CHASE: Yeah, but it'll be a lot easier if he...

ENID: [interrupting] Do whatever you have to do.

NATE: [points at Chase] You don't touch me, all right? [points at Cameron] You can touch me. Just not my brain.

ENID: Nate, you gotta do this. I can't take it anymore.

NATE: [sighs in frustration] My God, Mom! Save me the melodramatic hand-wringing, okay? Loosen up! Get yourself coited.

[Enid looks hurt at this outburst.]

CHASE: [turning] I'm gonna give him a sedative.

[Cameron agrees. Chase goes to a medical cabinet nearby.]

NATE: [sleepy-eyed] You're decent-looking, Dr. Skippy.

[Enid looks confused, as does Chase. Nate starts to sway, appearing disoriented.]

NATE: [glassy look] Why don't you take her for a ride?

CAMERON: Nate...

[Nate blinks.]

[NATE'S POV: Blurred vision. Cameron looks at the camera, her voice slow and deep.]

CAMERON: Are you in pain?

[NATE'S POV: The light from the window engulfs Cameron's face.]

[Nate's eyes roll up and he drops backwards in bed, unconscious.]

ENID: [scared] Nate!

[Cameron and Chase hurry to check on him.]

CAMERON: His heart rate's normal. Respiration's even.

ENID: [panicked] What's happening? What's the matter with him?

[Chase shines his flashlight into Nate's mouth. He pushes down Nate's lower lip to expose his yellow gums.

CHASE: He's jaundiced. His liver's shutting down.

[Zoom into Nate's face.]

HARD CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. Nate is lying unconscious on his bed, hooked up to IV drips.]

CHASE: [voice-only] We started him on sodium polystyrene sulfonate.

FADE TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostics Office. The whiteboard now reads:
PERSONALITY
RAGE
HEAD PAIN
HYPOGONADISM
LIVER FAILURE
House stands in front of it, while the Chase and Cameron stand behind. Foreman sits at the table, still sulking.]

CHASE: His liver's operating at about twenty percent and deteriorating fast.

HOUSE: Which means he'll be dead long before Foreman turns in his parking pass. So, what causes personality disorder, head pain, blah-blah-blah, and liver failure?

CHASE: Liver failure can cause hypogonadism, head pain. Altered mental status leads to the personality disorder and rage. All we need to do is figure out what caused the liver failure.

HOUSE: Yes. Also, we need to figure out how symptoms yesterday can be caused by liver failure today. [steals a look at Foreman]

CAMERON: If his liver's failing now, it wasn't great yesterday. If it wasn't operating at capacity, it could have caused...

[While Cameron speaks, House looks at Foreman and recoils backward as if suddenly scared.]

HOUSE: Ooh-aah! Whoa!

[Foreman looks at him, the sour look still fixed on his face.]

HOUSE: [scolding] Don't sneak up on a person like that.

FOREMAN: [monotone] I'm listening.

HOUSE: Well, listening doesn't help me. Okay. Let's go with the liver and a time-machine theory. Foreman, what causes liver problems?

FOREMAN: Wilson's disease.

CHASE: No. Ceruloplasmin's normal.

CAMERON: No enlargement and no palpable mass, so no cancer.

CHASE: Could be a narrowing of the bile ducts. Primary sclerosingcholangitis.

HOUSE: Most liver damage begins with what we put in our bodies. Foreman?

FOREMAN: [resigned look] Angry teen... alcohol.

CHASE: [emphatically] No. Blood tests were negative.

CAMERON: No signs of drug use or acetaminophen poisoning in his tox screen. Maybe the water was contaminated.

[Foreman's beeper goes off.]

CHASE: His mother would also be sick.

[Foreman checks his beeper. House looks upwards, as if guessing who it could be.]

HOUSE: Cuddy?

[Foreman looks at him.]

HOUSE: [shrugs] Sounded like someone with back. [jerking his head towards the door] Go.

[Foreman gets up and walks out.]

HOUSE: [as Foreman leaves] We'll try and muddle through without your blank stare to guide us. [to Cameron and Chase] So if it's not the bad things he's putting in, what about the good things?

CHASE: He was raised a vegetarian.

HOUSE: Was raised. Means he's all grown up. Or he's not a vegetarian anymore.

CHASE: He started eating red meat a few months ago.

CAMERON :Unless he's been buying cuts of mad cow, his body would have no problem metabolizing it.

HOUSE: Would if he had an OTC deficiency. Body can't metabolize nitrogen, damages the liver. Run a hamburger test.

[Chase and Cameron look puzzled.]

HOUSE: It's exactly what it sounds like. Stuff him full of meat, wait for his ammonia levels to spike.

[He goes to his office. Chase and Cameron leave.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Cuddy's office. Cuddy is at her desk, going through some paperwork. The door opens, she looks up. Foreman enters.]

CUDDY: I'll double your salary.

[He doesn't answer. She waits anyway.]

FOREMAN: Chase and Cameron would mutiny if they found out.

CUDDY: Chase and Cameron wouldn't be heading up their own diagnostic group. [hands him a folder] You'll work in parallel with House. It'll be your practice. Separate staff, separate cases. Complete autonomy.

FOREMAN: [looks uncertain] I've only been doing this for three years.

CUDDY: Three years under House. No better training.

HOUSE: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out? You know who I'd have to go to.

CUDDY: [deadpan at first] Or you can just let that patient die. That's completely up to you. [smiles sweetly]

FOREMAN: [sighs] No.

CUDDY: Why?

FOREMAN: He's evil.

CUDDY: He didn't sabotage your interview.

FOREMAN: How do you know?

CUDDY: [quickly] Because I did.

[Foreman glares at her and starts to leave.]

CUDDY: [calling after him] I didn't! You believed me - means you're not sure House did it.

FOREMAN: Well, somebody did it. Somebody here did it. I can't work here.

[He leaves. Cuddy looks sullen. She thinks about who it could be. Then, it strikes her.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Under Enid's watchful (ever-tearful) eye, Chase and Cameron perform the "hamburger test" on Nate, who is sitting up in bed, in front of a food-tray, on which a plate, glass, knife and fork rest. Chase removes the lid off the plate, displaying three hamburger patties. Nate sits back, disappointed.]

NATE: This isn't a medical procedure. This is just about Doogie making me eat garbage.

CHASE: Need to see how your liver processes the proteins.

NATE: Then get me a steak, some roast beef.

ENID: What if I brought him something from home?

[Frustrated at hearing his mother's voice again, Nate drops his head backwards into the pillow.]

CHASE: It has to be prepared here so we know there's no chemicals or preservatives that could affect the test results.

NATE: I'm not eating anything prepared by five-dollar-an-hour immigrant hospital cooks in hairnets.

CHASE: [snaps] Shut up!

[Nate looks at him.]

CHASE: [advancing threateningly] Either you start eating, or I'm gonna strap you to this bed and shove these down your throat one-by-one, got it?

[Nate looks at him for a while, then smirks.]

NATE: Can't get mad at me. I'm sick. [feigns coughing] You're supposed to feel bad for me.

[Without missing a beat, Chase picks up the intercom.]

CHASE: [into intercom] Nurse, full set of body restraints.

NURSE: [from intercom] Yes, doctor.

[Nate doesn't look so cocky anymore.]

CHASE: [getting in Nate's face] Trust me. It'll be a lot less messy if you do it yourself.

[A resentful look on his face, Nate looks at Cameron. Cameron motions for him to comply. Knowing he has no other option, he reluctantly picks up a burger and starts to eat it. Cameron looks relieved and genuinely impressed at Chase.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Nurse's Station. Cuddy marches up to Wilson, who is going over some paperwork in the 'station.]

CUDDY: [accusing] You killed Foreman's job interview.

[Wilson looks up in surprise. He thinks a couple of seconds.]

WILSON: Why would I...?

CUDDY: [speaks fast] Somebody did. Wasn't me, and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House. Which means it has to be somebody who actually likes House. Which means it's either you or the... weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards.

WILSON: I want Foreman to leave.

[Cuddy looks astonished.]

WILSON: House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron's in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits.

CUDDY: [protesting] I give him...

WILSON: You authorize magic mushrooms. House is a six-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good.

CUDDY: [slyly] You're lying.

[Wilson rolls his eyes.]

CUDDY: An enabler doesn't conspire against, an enabler enables.

[Wilson looks over her shoulder, looking shocked.]

CUDDY: [looking back] What?

WILSON: [looking at her] You're paranoid. [smiles]

CUDDY: You made that call. And because of that call, you basically guaranteed Foreman's out of here.

[She walks away. Wilson thinks.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Clinic, Exam Room Two. House's clinic patient is Doug, who sits shirtless on the table, displaying his badly sunburnt torso and face. There are eight circular lighter spots on his torso. His son, Mark, sits quietly at the side.]

DOUG: I thought it would be fun to work on my boat with him. [jerks his thumb at Mark]

HOUSE: And you went shirtless because... skin cancer looks cool.

DOUG: Well, I realize I got burnt.

[House looks at Mark, who looks down immediately.]

DOUG: I'm not too worried about that. [pointing] It's these white marks, you know?

[House gets off his stool and walks towards a cabinet.]

HOUSE: Lie down.

DOUG: [lying down] I mean, that boat has all sorts of, uh, lead paint, and there's... chemicals everywhere.

HOUSE: [to Mark] When daddy works on his boat, does he have a cooler with lots of brown bottles with long necks?

[House takes a syringe (sans needle) and pulls out the plunger with a pop sound. Mark nods.]

HOUSE: [filling the syringe with water] And does daddy like to lie down on his boat and go nap-nap in the sun?

[Mark nods again. House, syringe ominously held in his hand, steps forward. He spurts the water in it all over Doug's face.]

DOUG: Oh! What-what the hell?!

[Mark chuckles.]

HOUSE: [holding the syringe out to Doug] I will give you this for the... [calculates] one dollar, forty one cents in your pocket.

[Mark readily shoves his hand into his pocket to get the change.]

DOUG: Wait, how could you know...?

[Mark hands a bunch of coins to House and takes the syringe.]

HOUSE: A psychic once told me that I'm psychic.

[House begins to place the coins over the light spots on Doug's torso. The coins match the spots perfectly. Doug understands and shoots his son a look. Mark shrugs guiltily.]

HOUSE: Hey, one of these quarters is Canadian. [mad] Give me back my syringe.

[Mark lets out an "easy-come-easy-go" sigh and hands it back to House, who snatches it back.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Clinic/Nurse's Station. House exits the exam room and finds the Ducklings (all of them) assembled outside. Foreman seems to have cooled down.]

CAMERON: Hamburger stress test showed no change in his ammonia levels.

FOREMAN: Liver's properly converting the ammonia into urea. He doesn't have OTC deficiency.

HOUSE: Welcome back.

FOREMAN: Sorry. I shouldn't have been taking my problems out on the patient.

HOUSE: Or on me. Apology accepted. [walks to the Nurse's Station] Starve him.

FOREMAN: And what are we looking for?

HOUSE: [tossing Doug's file on the 'station] Diabetic steatosis would screw up his liver. Starve him overnight and see if his blood sugar pops.

CHASE: We mess with his blood sugar, we could set off another rage.

HOUSE: Not a problem. You can take him.

[He walks away.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate, standing and brandishing the IV pole, smashes a lamp. The attending nurse jumps back as he swings it at her. His mother tries to calm him down, but to no avail.]

NATE: [yelling] I want something to eat!

ENID: [pleading] Honey, please don't.

[Foreman and Chase rush inside.]

CHASE: What happened?

NURSE: I was just trying to get a urine sample, and he went crazy.

[Foreman gets a sedative.]

NATE: I need to eat!

[He sees Foreman with the syringe and holds the IV pole at him.]

NATE: You're not sticking anything else in me!

FOREMAN: It's just a few more hours.

ENID: [fearful] You're gonna hurt yourself.

NATE: [almost crying] I'm gonna hurt you!

CHASE: As soon as we get a urine sample, we can leave you alone.

NATE: You want your sample?! Here's your damn sample!

FOREMAN: Nate, don't.

[Nate stands and let's 'er rip. The urine falls near his feet, staining his gown. He smiles defiantly. Foreman shakes his head. Enid doesn't know how to react. Suddenly, the urine changes colour to blood red.]

ENID: [frightened] Oh, my God.

[Foreman looks shocked.]

CHASE: Nate, you need to get back into bed. Right now.

[Nate looks down and sees the blood red urine flowing out of him onto the floor and his gown. He reacts in shock.]

HARD CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. Nate is asleep, with Enid at his side. Nate is now hooked up to a dialysis machine.]

CAMERON: [voice-only] Chem panel and urinalysis confirms the bloody urine was caused by kidney failure.

FADE TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostic Office. House and the Ducklings confer. Chase adds "KIDNEY FAILURE" to the whiteboard.]

CAMERON: He's on dialysis. He's gonna need it for the rest of his life.

HOUSE: Which is shortening as we speak. We are looking at a Chinese menu, and we've got symptoms from too many columns. They're going to overcharge us.

CAMERON: Multiple organ failure could mean primary HIV infection.

CHASE: [sarcastic] That would mean someone agreed to sleep with him. Plus his serology is negative.

FOREMAN: His uric acid's slightly elevated.

CHASE: Ten percent of males in this country have elevated...

HOUSE: So we're only gonna pay attention to _abnormal_ abnormalities?

CHASE: We've been stuffing him with meat and his kidneys are shot. Of course his uric acid levels...

FOREMAN: Could be hepatic fibrosis or MCADD. Brat's got a genetic disorder.

HOUSE: Get the sequencing primers. See if it's one of the ones we can treat.

FOREMAN: I can draw some blood, but then I gotta run.

HOUSE: [whirls around] Job interview?

FOREMAN: You gonna stop me if it is?

HOUSE: You do the nurse stuff, they'll do the doctor stuff.

[Foreman leaves. House looks at the whiteboard.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Foreman performs the test on Nate, while Enid looks on. Foreman injects Nate.]

NATE: [drowsily] This a blood test for a marriage license? Plan on kidnapping me to Massachusetts... or Canad...

[His head drops and he's out.]

ENID: What did you give him? [standing] Are you treating him for something?

FOREMAN: Sedative.

ENID: Did he need a sedative?

FOREMAN: I did. Just shutting him up so I can draw some of his blood in peace.

ENID: [outraged] You walked in with that. You didn't even give him a chance.

FOREMAN: People are what they are.

ENID: [arguing] He's sick. The rudeness isn't his fault.

FOREMAN: If he had tuberculosis, it wouldn't be his fault either. But I still wouldn't let him cough on me.

[Enid has no answer to that. She folds her arms and watches, quietly.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Elevator/Hallway. Cameron stands alone in the elevator, plastic baggie in hand, while the door closes slowly. Wilson abruptly grabs the door, opening it. He enters.]

WILSON: [seeming flustered] Hi.

CAMERON: Hey.

[A moment of awkward silence. Then, Wilson leans forward and hits a button. The door closes. Cameron seems a bit puzzled about his jerkiness.]

WILSON: Where are you going?

CAMERON: The lab. We're testing our patient's blood for hereditary...

WILSON: [interrupts] Cuddy thinks I sabotaged Foreman's interview. She's gonna fire me.

CAMERON: [beat] I don't believe it.

WILSON: She said it was unprofessional and...

CAMERON: No, I mean I literally don't believe it. Cuddy wouldn't fire you for something like that.

[Wilson has a guilty look on his face.]

CAMERON: [suspicious] Which... means either she lied to you, or you're... lying to me.

[The door opens. They step into the hallway.]

WILSON: [loses the act] You so would have fallen for that three years ago.

CAMERON: You were looking for a reaction. You were looking for me to feel bad for you. Save your skin. [shrugs] But how am I gonna save you? [understands, stops] Unless... you think I'm the one who really did it.

WILSON: Cuddy's logic was Foreman's valuable to House. I care about House. Ergo, I would do anything to save him.

CAMERON: And your logic was... I care about House as much as you do, ergo...

[Wilson nods.]

CAMERON: It wasn't me. I don't care about House.

WILSON: I don't believe you.

CAMERON: No one does. [sincerely] House is nothing more than my boss. Foreman's nothing more than a colleague.

WILSON: [nods, yet...] You're lying.

CAMERON: [enough already] Everyone does. But it wasn't me.

[Wilson nods and leaves. Cameron ponders the matter and seems to have figured out the culprit.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Lab. Cameron and Chase (wearing glasses) perform tests.]

CHASE: [looking at monitor] No markers for hepatic fibrosis. Nothing for MCADD.

CAMERON: Foreman's interview in New York got screwed up.

CHASE: [not looking up] I heard.

CAMERON: Foreman thought it was House, House thought it was Cuddy. Cuddy thought it was Wilson, Wilson thought it was me.

[Chase looks up and sees her staring accusingly at him.]

CHASE: And you think it was me? [chuckles] God... you think I... sabotaged Foreman? I don't even want him here.

CAMERON: I know.

CHASE: Then why would I do...?

CAMERON: I think you sabotaged Foreman just to sabotage Foreman.

[Hurt, but not showing it, Chase sits back in his chair, folding his arms.]

CHASE: So everyone's a suspect because everyone wants to help House. Except for me. I'm a suspect because I'm a petty, vindictive jerk?

[She only looks at him.]

CHASE: You actually think I would do something like that?

CAMERON: It was someone.

CHASE: [firm] It wasn't me.

[The nearby computer beeps, signaling the result of a test. He looks at it, still upset.]

CHASE: Negative for Von Gierke disease. [remembering] And it's Tuesday.

CAMERON: I know.

CHASE: [mad] I like you.

CAMERON: [smiling] I know. See you next Tuesday.

[Chase shoots a look at her. Another result pops up. Chase looks at it.]

CHASE: Found something.

[Cameron looks at him.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, House's Office. House dumps his bag on his table, packing up to go home. Chase and Cameron stand in front of the table, giving him the results.]

CHASE: He's got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency. Means he could have Kelley-Seegmiller Syndrome.

CAMERON: But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller.

HOUSE: [looks up] Yes. Those are the two options. It is... or it isn't.

CHASE: Kelley-Seegmiller explains the aggressive personality.

CAMERON: If he had Kelley-Seegmiller, he wouldn't just be aggressive, he'd be self-mutilating. Chewing his lips, banging his head.

HOUSE: [donning his jacket] Lovely disease. Degenerative, fatal, incurable. I wonder if that's why Cameron's on the "not" side.

CAMERON: That and the fact that symptoms don't lie.

CHASE: Kelley-Seegmiller carriers self-mutilate when they're stressed.

CAMERON: [turning to face Chase] He's in the ICU with a failing liver and no kidneys. Yeah, his life is sweet.

CHASE: [facing her] His vegetarian diet could have limited the purines in his system, slowing the disease's progress.

[House, all set to go home, stops near the door. He thinks.]

HOUSE: So let's speed it up.

[He goes back behind his desk.]

CAMERON: Why?

HOUSE: So you two kids will stop fighting. [removing his bag] Also, I don't feel like waiting for respiratory failure. Chase, find some way for the mother to get lost for a while. [cracks his knuckles outwards] I'm going to stress this kid until he bites off a finger.

[Chase and Cameron look a bit apprehensive, but comply.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate is in bed, awake. House enters, wheeling in a hospital cart, on which a chessboard (with pieces) is placed.]

NATE: [weakly] They move me to geriatrics? Who are you?

HOUSE: [Greg's Anatomy's...] Dr. McCaney. The man who's gonna kick your ass all over this chessboard.

NATE: Yeah, well, I'm too weak to...

HOUSE: [pushing up Nate's sleeve] ...bite yourself, yeah. You need some liquid energy.

[Nate coughs drowsily.]

HOUSE: Now, if you consent, I'm gonna give you this shot of adrenaline.

[House injects him in the arm.]

NATE: Oww! [irritably] I don't wanna play.

HOUSE: Aside from being indicative of pituitary issues and certain kinds of genetic disorders, small testicles also indicate... [disposes off the syringe] that you're a big chicken. Please don't make me do the sound effect.

NATE: You're not gonna goad me into playing.

[House puts the chessboard on the food tray. Using his cane, he swings the overhead surgical light to illuminate the board.]

HOUSE: Didn't think I'd have to. Thought you'd just jump at the chance of humiliating someone.

[House takes two pawns - one white, one black - in his hands, mixes them up, and holds them (clenched in his fists) for Nate to pick one out.]

NATE: Age before cripple. I'm white.

[House places the pawns back.]

HOUSE: [winding the chess clock] It... is... on!

[He slaps his side of the clock.
Scissor-holding a pawn, Nate moves it two squares ahead. Slap.
House moves a pawn two ahead. Slap.
Nate brings out a knight. Slap.]

HOUSE: Bird's opening. Passive approach.

[He moves another pawn.]

HOUSE: [Slap] Sign of a coward.

NATE: [moving a pawn] Sicilian defense. Sign of an idiot. [Slap]

HOUSE: [makes a move, Slap] Arrogance has to be earned.

[Nate brings out his other knight. Slap.]

HOUSE: [moving a bishop] Tell me what you've done to earn yours. [Slap]

NATE: I can walk.

[He moves his bishop. Slap.]

HOUSE: I don't bleed out of my penis.

[He moves a knight. Slap.
Nate glares at him, moves a knight. Slap.
House moves a pawn. Slap.
Nate moves a bishop. Slap.
Black knight takes white pawn. Slap.
Nate takes a black piece. Slap.
Black knight takes white knight. Slap.]

HOUSE: Check.

[House acts bored. Nate has a look of pure hatred on his face.]

HOUSE: You know, it's a real thin line between tortured genius and awkward kid who can't get girls because he's... creepy.

[White bishop takes black pawn. Slap.]

NATE: Why are you doing this?

HOUSE: To stress you out.

[House moves his queen diagonally. Slap.]

HOUSE: Check.

NATE: [moving one of his pieces] Yeah, but why? [Slap]

HOUSE: I'd tell you, but I figure it's more stressful if you don't know why.

[Black bishop takes white pawn. Slap.
Nate glares.
White pawn takes black bishop. Slap.]

NATE: Not feeling too stressed.

HOUSE: You know that no one likes you, right?

NATE: Yeah, well, anybody like you?

HOUSE: [declaring] You're dying.

[He looks at Nate for a reaction, doesn't get one.
Black queen takes bishop-killing white pawn.]

HOUSE: Check. [Slap]

[Nate seems flustered. He goes for his king, but decides against it.]

HOUSE: Your move.

[Nate seethes. Then, he sits forward.
He moves his king. Slap.
House moves his knight. Slap.
Nate looks at the setup and smiles. He chuckles.
He moves his knight. Slap of authority.]

NATE: [taunting] Care to lay down your king?

[House only stares.]

NATE: You can't win. You can pin my queen. My knight to E7. Your king to H8. Sacrifice rook takes pawn. Bishop blocks. Queen to H5. Checkmate. [demeaningly] Save what's left of your dignity. Lay down your king.

[Suddenly, Nate starts to convulse. The monitor starts beeping rapidly.]

HOUSE: Crap.

[He calmly moves the food tray away. Nurses come running in, one of them preps a crash cart.]

HOUSE: He's having a seizure. Four milligrams IV Lorazepam.

NURSE: Right away.

[As the nurses attend to Nate, House hovers over the chessboard. He drops his king down with his finger.]

HARD CUT TO:

[PPTH, House's Office/Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits in front of the chessboard, trying to analyse how he got beaten. He doesn't look too relaxed. Chase stands behind, Cameron and Foreman in front.]

HOUSE: [under his breath] I hate this kid.

FOREMAN: I like this kid.

HOUSE: You get the job?

FOREMAN: They're gonna let me know.

CAMERON: Kelley-Seegmiller didn't cause this seizure.

HOUSE: So we've got one more symptom, one less diagnosis. [to Foreman] I assume they're gonna call for references? You give 'em my name?

FOREMAN: No. Amyloidosis can cause seizures, and the protein buildup could cause organ failure.

CHASE: Wouldn't alter his personality.

HOUSE: Whose name did you give?

FOREMAN: [beat] My last boss.

HOUSE: Ouch! That can't look good. [still frustrated at having been beaten] I hate this kid.

[He gets up and starts moving towards the Diagnostics Office.]

CAMERON: What if we're not dealing with one condition? What if it's multiple conditions?

HOUSE: Uh-uh, it's gotta be one. It's always one.

CHASE: Nothing explains this constellation of symptoms. We've gotta be missing something. Maybe the kid lied about some medication. Maybe he's hiding something.

CAMERON: Why would he be hiding something?

CHASE: I don't know, because he's... evil?

[House has a thought.]

HOUSE: What if he is? What if the symptoms lied?

[He cancels out "PERSONALITY" at the top of the board.]

HOUSE: [looking at the Ducklings] There. Now all we're looking at is a simple, evil jerk with amyloidosis.

FOREMAN: You're not being objective.

HOUSE: Amyloidosis was your idea.

FOREMAN: You were right, it doesn't fit the symptoms.

HOUSE: Yeah, it does. [now erases the crossed-out "PERSONALITY" word] Look.

FOREMAN: You crossed it off because you wanna hate the kid. And you can't hate him if he's a victim...

HOUSE: You want him to be a victim because you wanna believe that people are good. And if they're not, it's gotta be a chemical problem. Except they're not, and it's not. [to Chase and Cameron] Flush him with immunosuppressants. Get a biopsy to confirm, and find him a marrow donor.

[Foreman sighs defeated. Chase and Cameron leave.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. While a nurse checks on Nate, Chase speaks to Enid.]

ENID: What will happen to him?

CHASE: Substances called amyloid proteins build up in the body's organs, shutting them down. It's a fairly rare disease. And I'm afraid it can be fatal.

ENID: [afraid] So do you operate or something to take them out?

CHASE: He needs a bone marrow transplant. Dr. Cameron is searching the donor bank. We should test you as well.

[Enid nods, depressed. She looks at Nate.]

ENID: When you first told me he was sick, I was... happy. Relieved. Now...

[She can't finish. She just looks tearfully at Nate.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Operating Room. Chase and Foreman (scrubbed up) perform a biopsy on Nate. Nate is sweating heavily.]

FOREMAN: Nate, I'm gonna take a small piece of nerve from your ankle. Let me know if you feel any pain.

NATE: [weakly] I'm burning up. Couldn't you just knock me out like you did last time?

FOREMAN: Wish I could. But your body has to be clear so it's ready for a marrow transplant.

[Shot of the open incision on Nate's ankle.]

NATE: Hey, Dr. X.

[Foreman looks at him.]

NATE: I know you've busted ass trying to save me.

FOREMAN: It's all right.

NATE: I wasn't gonna thank you. [coughs] I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.

FOREMAN: [calmly] We're doing our best.

NATE: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.

[Foreman sighs underneath his mask.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Hallway. House takes a "Chomp" candybar out of a vending machine. Foreman stands at a distance. He starts limping towards him.]

FOREMAN: Nerve biopsy was clean. No evidence of amyloidosis.

HOUSE: It was your idea. Don't give up on it so fast.

[They start walking together.]

FOREMAN: He's running a fever. If it's two conditions, one of them's gotta be an infection. We should start him on antibiotics, see what clears up, what doesn't.

HOUSE: Is he having trouble breathing?

FOREMAN: Yeah, he has mucus in his chest from an infection.

HOUSE: Could also be an amyloid buildup. Keep him on immunosuppressants and biopsy somewhere else, his sinuses.

[Foreman stops walking, about to protest.]

HOUSE: [cutting him off] Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I asked, or just do what I asked.

[Foreman shrugs in defeat and starts to walk away.]

HOUSE: You're not ready.

[Foreman stops and turns annoyed.]

HOUSE: There was a third choice. Don't do what I asked. You coulda defied me, stuck the kid on antibiotics. But you didn't. Because you still trust my judgment more than your own.

[House enters his office. Foreman looks pensive.]

CUT TO:

[Aerial view of PPTH. Night.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, House's Office. House still sits at the chessboard, trying to outthink Nate. Chase enters, wearing street clothes.]

CHASE: You sabotaged Foreman's job interview, didn't you?

HOUSE: [sighs] Foreman's already been over this. [clearly] It wasn't me.

[House goes to pick up the king, but Chase beats him to the punch.]

CHASE: Everybody's chasing ghosts over this. Which means either nobody did it, or somebody wants everybody chasing ghosts. Now, who does that sound like?

HOUSE: And why would I do that?

CHASE: Because as long as Foreman thought you were guilty, he was gonna be useless around here.

HOUSE: [smiling] You know, [smirks] sometimes I forget why I hired you.

CHASE: You cost him a good opportunity and gained nothing.

HOUSE: I cost him a crappy opportunity. New York Mercy's where you go to treat boils and cysts and build a 401K.

CHASE: If you want him to stay, tell him.

HOUSE: I don't and there'd be no point.

CHASE: You do. And the point would be to make him feel like he's wanted.

HOUSE: He doesn't need that.

CHASE: All right, then. It'd make him feel like maybe you weren't evil.

[Chase starts to drum the king on the table. House notices how he holds the piece - between his thumb and pointer.]

CHASE: He needs that.

[Chase drums a couple more times. House has a definite epiphany. Chase holds the king out to House, still unaware of his boss' brainstorm.]

CHASE: Talk to Foreman.

HOUSE: We dumped one symptom. But forgot to add one.

[Chase, hand still held out with the king, looks puzzled. House gets up, picking a white and black pawn and leaves.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate is in bed, awake, with his mother beside him. The door slides open and House enters.]

HOUSE: [declaring] Revenge time, Nate.

ENID: Are you...?

HOUSE: Yes! I am. [holds his hands out, clenched] Black or white?

NATE: [irritated] Just limp away.

ENID: [upset] He doesn't wanna play. Leave him alone.

HOUSE: Pick one, or... [points to an IV bag] this comes out. And, for all you know, this is really important.

[Nate weakly points to House's right hand. House unclenches the hand, revealing the white pawn. Nate slowly brings up his right hand and holds the pawn - between his pointer and middle finger, with his thumb extended out.]

[TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: This is how Nate has been holding all his chesspieces from the start. I never mentioned it before because... well, you guys would not have figured out that it was a problem all along. OK, back to the show...]

[House calmly grabs Nate's thumb and yanks it backwards. Nate groans in pain. Enid jumps up from her chair, protesting.]

ENID: Stop it!

HOUSE: That hurts, right? Which is odd, because I'm really enjoying this. You hold the pieces that way because you can't bend your thumb.

[Nate looks at his thumb.]

HOUSE: Because your bones have formed abnormally. Thanks to all the crap that's been pushing its way in between them.

[He disconnects the IV bag he pointed to previously.]

HOUSE: Actually, this stuff isn't important at all.

ENID: [worried] Your doctors said he needs immunosuppressants.

HOUSE: [waving it off] They're idiots. It's not amyloidosis. It's iron. He's got hemochromatosis.

[While House speaks, the camera moves off Nate's sour face and zooms towards his chest.]

HOUSE: The body absorbs iron from food, but can't process it.

[CGI: Through the blood vessels. Large quantities of iron deposit along the walls as red blood cells flow overhead.

HOUSE: Can't get rid of it. And idle iron is the devil's playground. It builds up in the organs and joints, whacking them in the process.

[Camera focuses on House.]

HOUSE: Caused all of the symptoms. Including something that wasn't a symptom.

[He limps to the surgical cabinet.]

HOUSE: Those body aches, they were not from the fighting.

ENID: [hopeful] His personality issues?

HOUSE: [taking a scalpel] Sorry. The iron's innocent on that count. Your kid's a jerk.

[Enid tries to say something, but House continues.]

HOUSE: And, yeah, it's probably your fault. Although, if you'd stayed off the meat like your mom said, you'd have half as much iron, and be twice less... almost dead.

[House takes Nate's right wrist and pokes it with the scalpel, drawing blood. Nate grunts. Enid reacts in shock, but doesn't say anything.]

HOUSE: Oh, nurse!

[House drops the scalpel on a nearby cart. He pushes a button on the wall. An urgent beeping sound is heard. Nurses come running in.]

HOUSE: [innocently] This patient is bleeding for some reason.

[House points Nate's bleeding wrist down, letting the blood drain.]

ENID: Is he going to be okay?

HOUSE: He'll need dialysis. And he'll have to get his blood drained every few months for the rest of his life. My condolences. It's going to be a long and annoying life.

[Despite that piece of "bad news", Enid smiles through her tears.]

HOUSE: [leaning close to Nate] I wouldn't have taken your bishop. I'd have moved my queen to D6, defusing the threat. Then rook to E8, attacking the king's pawn. I'd have lost the exchange, but won the game.

[He starts to limp away, when...]

NATE: I know.

[House turns, surprised.]

NATE: I was bluffing. And that's why... [sniggering] you lost.

[House is speechless. He turns and walks.]

HOUSE: [grumbling] Jerk.

[He leaves.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Lab. House walks outside and sees Foreman in the lab, unaware that House has "solved the case", performing the House-ordered tests. House enters the lab, while Foreman looks into a microscope. He stands, leaning against a glass wall.]

FOREMAN: [not turning back] You just here to watch, or you got something to say?

HOUSE: [beat] Still running the new biopsy for amyloidosis?

FOREMAN: Yeah. Still nothing.

[House seems to have something to say, but doesn't say it. Foreman waits.]

HOUSE: Run the test again. Recheck your results.

[Foreman hardly looks pleased.]

HOUSE: Looks like you're in for an all-nighter.

[Foreman raises his eyebrows. House leaves. Foreman sighs and gets back to work.]

Season 3 X 22 : Resignation

2007-05-08T14:29:00.000+08:00

Original Airdate: 5/8/2007

Written by: Pamela Davis
Directed by: Martha Mitchell
Transcript by: Coby

[Guy and girl (Addie) are sparring in a karate class, Addie is winning easily. Addie knocks down the guy and the teacher stops them by saying something in Japanese]

GUY: [While picking himself up. Annoyed.] She almost took my head off.

TEACHER: Your fault. You didn't guard your left side. [Gets them started again with more Japanese.]

[Addie knocks the guy down again.]

TEACHER: [Stops them.] Point.

[Guy gets up, teacher starts them off again. They trade punches for a little while until Addie does a big spinning kick and we see blood splatter on the mirror. Addie stumbles and then starts furiously punching at the guys head.]

TEACHER: [Having to step in.] Stop, stop, stop, stop. [Addie sits on the ground breathing heavily and coughing up blood.] You're bleeding.

GUY: I never even hit her.

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to House walking out of his office into the Diagnostics Office.]

HOUSE: [Smiling.] Morning. This is funny [Holds up his coffee and starts to read the side.] People don't...

CAMERON: Not done reading, go away. [House goes back into his office. Ducklings continue to read the file.] Most likely she coughed it up, which would mean it's from her lungs. Drugs, toxins, infection?

FOREMAN: No fever, no elevated white count, which rules out infection.

CAMERON: And blood panels found no drugs, no toxins.

CHASE: Bronchoscopy was pristine, so much for the lungs.

HOUSE: [Comes back out.] Good morning.

CHASE: Not yet. [House goes back to his office.]

CAMERON: So then the blood came from her stomach, which would mean it's an ulcer or a GI bleed.

FOREMAN: ER also ran an upper and lower GI, no occult blood in her stool.

CHASE: Which means no ulcer or GI bleed. Which means it's not from her stomach either which means it didn't come from anywhere.

HOUSE: [Comes back out.] You guys get to the point where the blood didn't come from anywhere?

FOREMAN: Rupture in her sinus cavity, dripped through the back.

HOUSE: Not that much blood.

CHASE: Trauma from karate?

HOUSE: No trauma. She kicked the other guy's ass.

[Cuddy enters.]

CUDDY: Now a good time?

HOUSE: If you can tell me how blood can mysteriously appear...

CUDDY: Now. [To Foreman.] This includes you. [All 3 head off towards House's office.]

CAMERON: What's going on?

HOUSE: [Closing the door.] Feel free to speculate amongst yourselves.

CUDDY: [To Foreman.] Are you sure?

FOREMAN: Yeah.

CUDDY: Why?

HOUSE: He's afraid of turning into me.

CUDDY: Well that's a good enough reason. [Hands Foreman a form.] Sign here.

[Foreman signs, Cameron and Chase watch through the glass.]

CHASE: Doesn't look promising.

[Foreman hands the form back to Cuddy.]

CUDDY: Good luck.

FOREMAN: Thank you.

HOUSE: That's it? You're not going to tell him that we're a family and families don't abandon each other?

CUDDY: You want me to?

HOUSE: No.

CUDDY: [To Foreman.] Would it make any difference?

FOREMAN: No.

CUDDY: Good luck Dr Foreman. [Hugs Foreman then leaves.]

[House and Foreman go back and join Chase and Cameron in the Diagnostics Office.]

HOUSE: So, where were we?

CHASE: Polish sophomore coughing up blood.

HOUSE: Not the case, the speculation. The palace intrigue. The rising self doubts. Did Foreman get a promotion?

FOREMAN: I resigned.

CAMERON: What?

HOUSE: Personally I can't believe I've had the same 3 employees for 3 years.

CHASE: Patient could have a heart problem.

HOUSE: Yes. Life goes on. The eager beaver combing his hair.

CHASE: Hyperdynamic heart could force too much blood into her lungs, she coughed up the overflow. Wouldn't leave a trace in her lungs because it's travelling through normal plumbing.

HOUSE: Foreman, go do a stress echo test to see if he's right. Cameron, check out the dorm and redo the ER labs. [Ducklings leave.] [Calling out after them.] I'll get going on Foreman's farewell party, everybody good with a mermaid under the stars theme? [They all give him a weird look and then continue leaving.]

[Cut to Foreman and Chase watching the results of the stress echo.]

CHASE: So why are you leaving? Or is it just some sort of power play?

FOREMAN: You can have my parking space, my locker.

CHASE: Is it about House?

FOREMAN: [Sarcastic.] Let me get all sensitive and confide in you. [Pushes the microphone button.] Addie, pedal harder, we need your heart rate at 170. [Addie pedals faster.]

CHASE: Why wouldn't you want to tell me?

FOREMAN: I don't like you. Never have, never will. You want me to share some more?

CHASE: Even if you do hate me, if you found another job you'd tell me. If House did something to drive you out of here you'd tell me. The fact that you wont tell me means what ever the real reason is, you're ashamed of it.

ADDIE: Guys? I'm at 170. [Stops pedalling.]

[Chase goes into the room where she is and starts to ultrasound her chest.]

CHASE: Pulmonary artery looks good. [Looks at Foreman through the glass.] It's not a heart problem. [Notices something.] Are you cold?

ADDIE: No.

CHASE: Scared?

ADDIE: I'm ok, why?

CHASE: On your arm.

[Addie looks at her arm.]

[Cut to House rounding a corner in the corridor, Chase and Foreman come from the opposite side and follow him. Cue walk and talk.]

CHASE: Addie has goose bumps.

FOREMAN: Oooh, no recovering from those babies.

CHASE: You don't have goose bumps for no reason, they're a reaction to the body thinking it's cold.

FOREMAN: She wasn't cold her temperature was normal.

CHASE: Her body thought it was which means?

FOREMAN: What? A brain problem? Messed up hypothalamus could cause goose bumps but they're not going to cause her to cough up blood. She has no neurological issues she had a shiver.

HOUSE: I think there's an infection.

FOREMAN: We ruled out infection because no fever no white count. [They stop in front of Wilson's office.

HOUSE: I think there's an infection. Blood goes where it's needed, infection likes nice wet places, her lungs. Start treatment, all that cool stuff for bacterial, fungal and atypical infections. Get a lung biopsy, I want to see the little bugger up close. [Foreman leaves, Chase starts to follow but changes his mind.]

CHASE: Why's Foreman quitting?

HOUSE: He wants to breed llamas. [Starts to walk towards Wilson's office.]

CHASE: Interesting. [House turns around.] You're ashamed of the reason too. [House smiles and continues on his way, Chase leaves in the direction Foreman did.]

[House enters Wilson's office and shuts the door behind him, Wilson pushes a coffee towards House while writing something.]

HOUSE: [Takes the coffee and sits down.] No one writes tamoxifen like you.

WILSON: Well, I use a G.

HOUSE: Foreman resigned.

WILSON: [Stops writing.] I'm sorry.

HOUSE: It's okay. No biggie.

WILSON: [Rolls his eyes.] Right. He give a reason?

HOUSE: He said he didn't want to end up like me. I had a brilliant retort. Can't remember what it was at the moment.

WILSON: You don't want to end up like you.

HOUSE: Good point. Can I resign? [Wilson yawns.] What's up with that?

WILSON: With what?

HOUSE: You yawned. I just told you something interesting so you're not bored, it's 11 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking coffee so you're not tired, I didn't yawn so it's not a mirror neuron reaction. Which leaves symptom, vasovagal issue, maybe a heart problem?

WILSON: My heart's fine, I was up late. You're just deflecting having a conversation about Foreman.

HOUSE: I'm ok with Foreman leaving.

WILSON: Either you're lying or you don't really think he's leaving or you just jumped right to acceptance. [House yawns.]

HOUSE: Sorry, I yawned because I was trying to communicate boredom.

WILSON: You could try bargaining with him, give him a raise.

HOUSE: How much do you think it would cost to make him want to be like me? [Silence.] Thanks for the coffee. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Cameron looking through the glass at Addie with her parents, Ben and Jodie, in her room.]

CAMERON: She seems fine.

HOUSE: She is fine.

CHASE: She coughed up blood.

HOUSE: Past tense.

CAMERON: She has diarrhoea.

HOUSE: From the antibiotics for the infection.

FOREMAN: Lung biopsy says she doesn't have an infection.

HOUSE: Well you screwed up the biopsy.

CHASE: Or you're wrong about infection.

HOUSE: Well if I'm wrong, then so is her body, because it obviously thinks she's got an infection or it wouldn't have gotten better from the antibiotics. What is pandiculation symptomatic of?

FOREMAN: Yawning is a symptom of fatigue or cholinergic excitation.

CAMERON: Does this have anything to do with Addie?

HOUSE: Lets say yes.

CHASE: Cerebral tumour, epilepsy, could also be a medication reaction to antidepressants or some meds for end stage liver failure.

HOUSE: Lets say no.

[Foreman laughs. House and Chase both look weirdly at Foreman.]

CHASE: You don't want to leave this job. Three years you've been here and you've never once laughed at anything he's said.

FOREMAN: Because I wasn't kissing his ass.

CHASE: But now you are? No, now you're nervous, uncomfortable about your decision. It wasn't even that good a joke.

HOUSE: Oh crap.

CHASE: Most of your jokes are excellent. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] I just meant in comparison.

HOUSE: Shut up. I think she may not have an infection. You better deal with her before she crashes.

[We see Addie struggling to breathe, monitors start going off, ducklings run into her room.]

JODIE: She can't breathe.

CAMERON: Get off the bed.

CHASE: We need a crash cart.

BEN: What's happening?

CHASE: Lets get her down, now.

FOREMAN: Pressure is collapsing her lungs she not getting any air.

[They put the bed down and intubate her.]

JODIE: Oh my god.

[Cut to Chase sticking a big needle into a giant red sore on Addie's back and extracting some sort of liquid.]

[Cut to Chase in the lab explaining to the others what happened.]

CHASE: She couldn't breathe because she had a pleural effusion. Thoracentesis revealed low protein count. Effusion was transudative which means she has cirrhosis of the liver or she's in heart failure.

FOREMAN: Heart was fine, liver enzymes were normal.

HOUSE: [Looking at the chart.] There's something called blued in the pleural effusion. [Looks closer.] Oh it's not blued its blood. Which is great. Well not for her but for me because it means, I think it's an infection.

CHASE: Labs indicated minute traces of blood.

HOUSE: Can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can you Foreman?

[Foreman rolls his eyes.]

CAMERON: If we count the traces of blood as significant the differential isn't just infection. It could be lung cancer, breast cancer, lymphoma.

HOUSE: Great. Go tell her she's got one of those. Or you could tell her we haven't given her enough antibiotics for her INFECTION. Double the dose, and check her lungs.

CHASE: We checked her lungs, they're clean.

HOUSE: [Leaving.] On the outside. She needs an arteriogram.

[Aerial of PPTH, Day.]

[Cut to House entering an exam room in the clinic.]

STEVE: It's about my bowel movements.

HOUSE: What isn't these days? [Shuts the door. Points to Steve's girlfriend, Honey.] You sure you want to be here for this?

STEVE: We do everything together.

HOUSE: Of course. The toilet can be a lonely place. Drop your pants I'll suit up.

STEVE: [Dropping his pants.] They float.

HOUSE: Huh?

STEVE: My bowel movements. Honey says they're not supposed to?

HONEY: I'm a nutritionist. [Smiles.]

HOUSE: Yes, I could tell from the cool toe loop sandals.

HONEY: Thank you.

HOUSE: You're welcome. [They smile at each other.] And the natural fibre clothing I assume means some kind of vegetarian denomination?

STEVE: We're vegans. At first I was a little concerned about the lack of protein but Honey showed me you can get it from lots of...

HOUSE: Wow, whatever floats your poop. You've been together how long? 6 months?

HONEY: How'd you know?

HOUSE: Cause after 6 months poop love fades and if you've been together shorter than that then... I'll explain right after this break. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House walking up to the pharmacy.]

HOUSE: Three 10-milligram pills of your finest amphetamines. [Signs the book.]

[Ducklings come up behind him.]

CAMERON: Arteriogram was normal.

CHASE: Which means her lungs are fine.

[Pharmacist puts the pills in a cup on the counter.]

HOUSE: What if the clear arteriogram is significant?

FOREMAN: It is significant, it means there's no infection.

HOUSE: I think there's an infection.

CAMERON: Infections don't come and go, people don't get better then worse in the same treatment.

HOUSE: Unless her body can't finish off the fight, maybe goes a couple of rounds then gives up.

CHASE: Why would it give up?

HOUSE: Maybe its name is Foreman. [Looks at Foreman, no reaction.] C'mon... where's that smile? That laugh that makes the whole world sunny without contributing to global warming. [Chase laughs, they look at him, he stops and looks down, embarrassed.] Maybe she's missing a protein.

CAMERON: Blood panel and enzymes show her proteins are normal.

HOUSE: You can't have tested for every protein, I can think of at least one you can't test for at all.

CHASE: Compliment factor H deficiency. Well if she has that she's dead. No way to fend off bacteria, she'll get one infection after another until her body shuts down.

HOUSE: Maybe we can get ahead of the game. Manage each symptom as it comes up. Give her 5 miserable years instead of 6 miserable months.

FOREMAN: There's no diagnostic test for Compliment factor H deficiency.

HOUSE: So we isolate the cells that are yummiest for it. Stick a needle in her eye. [Takes the pills and goes back into the exam room.] [To Steve.] You're cheating on Honey.

STEVE: What? No, I'm not.

HOUSE: Oh yes you are.

HONEY: [Looks disappointed.] It's ok. I get it.

HOUSE: [Confused.] Well I was going to say relax but oddly enough you seem pretty relaxed already.

HONEY: You're accomplished, you're funny, you can have what ever you want, women are going to...

HOUSE: He's not cheating with another woman, he's cheating with another food group.

HONEY: [Angry.] What?

HOUSE: His floaters float because they're full of fat, probably had a big cheeseburger for lunch.

HONEY: You're eating flesh?

STEVE: It's just a hamburger, not all the time...

HONEY: You're disgusting.

STEVE: Soy cakes taste like cardboard, unsalted cardboard.

HOUSE: I'm accomplished, I'm funny, can I have whatever I want? [Steve is shocked. Honey smiles.]

[Cut to Chase sticking a needle in Addie's eye.]

ADDIE: Can we wait a second?

BEN: What's wrong?

ADDIE: I feel good, do you really need to put that needle?

CHASE: You felt good yesterday and then you almost suffocated.

ADDIE: And you know that that thing is in my eye?

CHASE: I think it could be. If we find it, our hope is that we can treat it.

JODIE: You hope?

ADDIE: Mum don't hang on every word.

JODIE: He said he hopes, that means he doesn't know. I just want to understand what's going on.

CHASE: We wont know anything until we do the test. Addie this all looks really scary but you'll feel nothing, ok?

ADDIE: Ok.

[Chase starts the test, the camera follows the needle into Addie's eye and we see a big red spot.]

[Cut to House opening the drawers under his desk in his office. He pulls out a mortar and pestle and puts it on his desk, he uses it to grind up the 3 pills he got earlier. He has two coffees on his desk. He pours the ground pills into the coffee on his left. Then rubs his finger around the mortar to pick up any remaining pill dust and rubs it on his teeth. He puts the mortar and pestle away, stirs the coffee with a pen and puts the lid back on, just in time before Wilson enters.]

HOUSE: You rang?

WILSON: You called me.

HOUSE: I brought you an espresso. [Wilson checks his pocket for his wallet and gives House a weird look.] You've been buying me coffee for a couple of week I thought I'd pay you back. [Holds out the coffee on his right to Wilson.] One.

WILSON: [Suspicious.] How did you walk with the cane and the 2 coffees?

HOUSE: [Laughs.] Why are you suspicious?

WILSON: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice and then I have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fire and the end of days.

HOUSE: [Laughs again.] What, you think I spat in yours?

WILSON: Or worse.

HOUSE: I stacked them. [Puts the left one on top of the right and lifts it up to demonstrate, then puts the left one down again and holds out the right one to Wilson.]

[Wilson is still suspicious but goes to grab the one House is holding out for him then grabs the other one, the left one, instead. House shrugs and drinks the one Wilson left behind, Wilson drinks the one he took and sits down.]

HOUSE: What do you think of me hiring a nutritionist instead of a neurologist? They sound almost the same.

WILSON: I take it you've met a hot nutritionist.

HOUSE: Don't cheapen this, we had an in depth conversation about proteins and fats. I was about to examine her boyfriend's rectum.

WILSON: You asked for a date while your finger was in her boyfriend?

HOUSE: Got her number.

WILSON: No, no, no way. [House pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Wilson.] This is an employment application. She doesn't want to go out with you she's looking for a job. Oh god she's 26.

HOUSE: But the wisdom of a much younger woman.

[Ducklings enter the diagnostics office.]

WILSON: Have you spoken to Foreman?

HOUSE: Several times, we laugh...

WILSON: You're going to lose him.

HOUSE: And that will be depressing but it will only make me appreciate all the good things that I do have. [House goes into the diagnostics office, Wilson leaves.]

CHASE: Macular biopsy was negative, which means you're wrong, there's no Compliment factor H deficiency.

FOREMAN: Most likely cause of altering blood flow in the brain is a clot or a tumour.

CAMERON: We can rule out a clotting issue because she has a bleeding issue.

FOREMAN: Which means we should be looking for a tumour.

HOUSE: I think there's an infection. Just because the cells in her eye aren't dead yet doesn't mean they're working.

CHASE: So why did we do the test.

HOUSE: Because if it had been positive it would have proved I was right.

CHASE: But negative doesn't prove you wrong.

HOUSE: [Smiling.] That's the beauty of the test.

FOREMAN: She needs an MRI of her brain.

HOUSE: Absolutely. [Ducklings start to leave.] As long as you're scanning, you mind having a boo for an abscess or something caused by an infection? [Ducklings leave.]

[Cut to Addie getting an MRI, Foreman and Cameron are watching the results.]

FOREMAN: I didn't expect House to beg me to stay, but it seems like he's in a better mood since I quit. Nothing in the axial view. You haven't asked me why I'm leaving.

CAMERON: Figured you'd tell me when you wanted to.

FOREMAN: I don't want to be like him.

CAMERON: You're not a jerk.

FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Thank you.

CAMERON: I mean... sometimes you are, but I don't think we can pin that on House. [Smiles.] And you're a better doctor than when you came through the door.

FOREMAN: Better at some things worse at others.

CAMERON: Again, not House's fault. It's a job. You're supposed to take the good and leave the bad.

FOREMAN: It's easier for you.

CAMERON: Why, because you think I need to toughen up? You think I'm weak?

FOREMAN: Yeah. See? I am a jerk, I've got to get out of here.

[Addie starts making noise.]

CAMERON: What's wrong Addie?

ADDIE: My head hurts.

FOREMAN: Brain's clean, no tumour and no abscess. We're all wrong.

ADDIE: My head. [Starts screaming. Cameron gets her out of the machine.] My head! [The camera pans round to reveal her head. Open. Bleeding. We can see her brain.]

[Cut to OR, Addie is under a general. Foreman is pulling pieces out of her head. House is taping it on a video camera.]

HOUSE: Grody.

FOREMAN: Looks like massive tissue death.

HOUSE: Who cares? Her head blew up, how cool is that?

CAMERON: It's not pusy.

HOUSE: [Turns the camera on Cameron.] Meaning you don't think it's an infection, and you'd be right, if you weren't wrong. [Puts the camera back on the open head.]

FOREMAN: Here we go again.

HOUSE: She's got infections that come and go, which means...

CAMERON: It means it has to be something else!

HOUSE: Good guess, but no! Means either she's got a leprechaun in her colon which is playing with the doggy door, letting bacteria in and out or... she got Compliment factor H deficiency. [Puts the camera on Foreman.]

FOREMAN: You enjoying this?

HOUSE: I'm saving a woman's life. [Puts the camera on himself.] I'm saving a woman's life. [Camera back on the head.] Actually I'm diagnosing her. Technically I'm diagnosing her with something that's going to kill her but other than that, I'm saving her life. [Turns the camera off.]

CHASE: An autoimmune problem makes more sense.

HOUSE: You can't explain transudative pleural effusion with giant cell arteritis. You'd need 3 whiteboards and 100 different coloured markers.

FOREMAN: No, it's much more likely she has an invisible protein that allowed bacteria to arbitrarily invade her lungs then arbitrarily invade her pleura then arbitrarily jump into her head.

CHASE: If it's autoimmune she can live, but we have to give her steroids, now, before her heart ruptures.

HOUSE: If you're wrong, and you give her steroids, she dies, now. Foreman, want to run down how it feels to go with your gut and kill a person? You get into the whole spiralling out of control and self-doubt, resigning thing. [To Chase.] Do it. Worst that can happen is you quit. Cameron, want to explain to the parents while you'll be holding paddles while you're doing it, because if her heart goes boom it'll boom right away. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Cameron Charging the paddles in Addie's room while Chase prepares to give her the steroids.]

BEN: She really has to be awake for this?

CHASE: If there is a problem she can tell us what she feels.

ADDIE: [Looks at her mother who is fighting back tears.] Relax.

BEN: We're scared.

ADDIE: I don't want you to be scared.

JODIE: Then get better. Ok sweetie? We love you.

ADDIE: Mum, I'm sorry.

CHASE: Ready?

ADDIE: [Takes a deep breath.] Ready.

[Chase starts the treatment. Camera pans around to reveal House sitting in a chair in the hallway watching through the glass. Cuddy walks up to him.]

HOUSE: My patient's about to have a heart attack. [Smiles.] It's going to be massive!

CUDDY: Oh well that's too bad cause I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor. Have you had a conversation with Foreman?

HOUSE: [Pulls out some money.] Can you do me a favour?

CUDDY: You haven't, because then you would have to confront your own emotions.

HOUSE: Is bile an emotion? Cause I can definitely fee something here [Pushes his gut.] Get me some liquorice. [Shoves the money in the top of her pants.] This is going to be the best heart attack of all time. [Cuddy takes the money and starts to leave.] Oh wait wait wait wait. [Cuddy comes back.] She's going to shock her. [Cameron looks at the monitors then puts the paddles away, the dad shakes Chase's hand, who looks relieved. House looks disappointed.]

CUDDY: [Gives the money back.] There's always tomorrow.

[Cut to Wilson in his office, he is bouncing his leg up and down quickly and trying to put a label on a file. Foreman walks in.]

FOREMAN: You wanted to see me? [Wilson puts his hand up to say wait and continues trying to put the label on, Foreman leans over and has a look.] Pretty sure the label is straight.

WILSON: [Sticks down the label. Talking quickly.] Are you really going to leave? Where you going? You lined up interviews yet?

FOREMAN: I'm not sure.

WILSON: You're pissed at House! I get it you're symbolicating killing him. [Foreman raises an eyebrow.] Symbolicating? What? Symbolacolating, gosh that's a hard word.

FOREMAN: Are you ok?

WILSON: Hey I'm not the one sym, I'm not the one sym, I'm not the one PRETENDING to kill someone what would it take for you to stay? Is it money? He wants you to stay!

FOREMAN: He said that?

WILSON: If I said he said that would that make a difference? [Phone starts to ring Wilson picks it up immediately, before it finishes the first ring.]

FOREMAN: Are you sure you're ok?

WILSON: [On the phone.] Hello? [Looks at his watch.] I'm leaving now. [Hangs up the phone, gets up and starts to leave.] I'm late for... a breast thing. You know he wants you, you know he's good, you know he can make you good, I don't know what I'm saying, you don't, I don't, you know what I'm saying, and you know I'm right, I got to go.

[Cut to Wilson entering a patients room.]

WILSON: [Talking extremely quickly.] Sorry it took me so long to get down here I'm Dr Wilson I guess Dr Stein's gone don't worry about it I'll talk to him when we're done.

PATIENT: Dr Stein said they're probably calcium deposits.

WILSON: Well with your medical history you don't want to take any chances. [Looks at the scans and has great difficulty getting a glove on.] I can't seem to put on my gloves today, it's weird. [Laughs. Eventually gets the glove on.] Ok well that's fine one's enough lets have a look. [Starts to feel her breasts.]

PATIENT: You sure talk fast.

WILSON: This is nothing you should see me when we're busy. [Winks. She gives him a weird look.] I just winked at you, I just I've never winked at a patient in my life I have no idea I am so sorry I have no idea what I was thinking.

PATIENT: It's ok.

WILSON: No its not I was hitting on you, I mean I wasn't I wasn't consciously hitting on you but what else could you think?

PATIENT: That you were being reassuring?

WILSON: Yeah that would make sense on the other hand I [Starts breathing heavily.] I feel like my hearts going to explode. [Sits down.]

PATIENT: Are you ok?

WILSON: I feel a little sweaty am I sweating?

PATIENT: Yeah. [Wilson starts to try and feel his pulse, with his glove still on.] Is something wrong?

WILSON: I can't I cant [Realises his glove is on, takes it off.] I put on gloves to do a breast exam perfect. [Takes the heart monitor thing from her finger.] Sorry. [Puts it on his and watches the screen. Continues to breath heavily. The monitor starts beeping. He stands up as he looks at it.] It's 185! 185! [Confused.] 185? [Thinks, suddenly realises what is happening.] Excuse me I have to go kill someone. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Wilson banging on the door to House's house. House opens the door.]

WILSON: You dosed me!

HOUSE: Yes... I did, but only because you didn't trust me! Your best friend.

WILSON: [Walks in] You could have killed me!

HOUSE: Amphetamines aren't going to kill you. [Shuts the door.]

WILSON: You don't know my medical history! I... I could've... you could've given me a heart attack.

HOUSE: [Laughs.] Well a heart attack is not going to kill you, you were in a hospital. [Wilson yawns.] Aha! You yawned!

WILSON: Aha! You tried to kill me.

HOUSE: I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom, of being a big fat liar. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] Yawning is a symptom of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on.

WILSON: I'm not on antidepressants I'm on SPEED!

HOUSE: Well that means it's a symptom of a cerebral tumour, you've got 6 weeks to live. Mr. Well-adjusted is as messed up as the rest of us. Why would you keep that a secret? Are you ashamed of recognising how pathetic your life is?

WILSON: It's not a secret House it's it's... it's personal!

HOUSE: How long has it been personal?

WILSON: It's personal!

HOUSE: Yawning's recent so either you just started or you changed prescription.

WILSON: [Holds out his hands.] This is why I take them.

HOUSE: They're antidepressants not anti-annoyance-sants. You'd think this would naturally come up in conversation with...

WILSON: Oh don't act hurt, you don't care!

HOUSE: On one of those occasions when you're pompously lecturing me on what to do to fix my life.

WILSON: You wouldn't take them! You'd rather OD on Vicodin or stick electrodes in your head because you can say you did it to get high. The only reason to take antidepressants is because you're depressed, you have to admit that you're depressed.

HOUSE: Give me. [Holds out his hand.]

WILSON: Are you going to admit that...

HOUSE: Nope. I'm going to prove that I'm not depressed.

WILSON: Hahaha [Shakes his head]... Well I can't give you my prescription, you've got to meet with a psychiatrist, you need a whole work up. [Breathing heavily.] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke. [House chucks him the bottle. Wilson pops a pill. And grabs a coffee cup off the side table. ]

HOUSE: I... Wouldn't drink that. [Wilson stares at him.] My leg hurt and I [points towards the bathroom. Wilson puts the cup down.]

[Cut to House in bed asleep. The phone is ringing. Someone walks in and wakes him up, it's Cameron.]

CAMERON: House. [House is startled awake.] Why didn't you pick up the phone, I've been calling.

HOUSE: I was sleeping.

[Cameron turns on the light, House shies away from it.]

CAMERON: What did you do?

HOUSE: Nothing! This is how regular people look when you wake them up.

CAMERON: Chase was wrong. Addie's kidneys shut down. [House half smiles.]

[Cut to Cameron explaining to the rest what has happened, in the Diagnostics Office.]

CAMERON: Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome shut down Addie's kidneys. Peripheral smear of red cells had schistocytes.

HOUSE: Huh. HUS is usually caused by an infection or a protein deficiency. [Sits down and starts going through his mail. By going through I mean looking at the labels and throwing them in the bin.] What coincidence I know a patient with an infection and a protein deficiency, you think it's possible there is a connection? [Gets to the last letter and starts to open it.] I want to hear you say it Chase, it will please me.

CHASE: Doesn't mean you're right. You predicted cardiac arrest, INSTANT cardiac arrest.

HOUSE: There were only two choices, since yours was wrong mine must have been right. Either that or we missed the leprechaun.

CAMERON: If you're right then there's nothing to be done. The steroid treatment we gave her means when the next infection hits it'll hit hard. Liver failure, cardiac arrest.

HOUSE: But on the bright side, it confirms my diagnosis. [Foreman and Cameron both shake their heads, House smiles.] Don't you see how incredible this call was? A protein deficiency, can't be tested, can't be seen. I called it based on coughing blood.

FOREMAN: You're happy about this.

CAMERON: She's going to die.

HOUSE: That's not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why.

CHASE: I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.

HOUSE: I'm not telling her.

FOREMAN: I'm not telling her.

HOUSE: No one's telling her. Not until we're sure I'm right.

FOREMAN: We're going to wait for her to stroke or have a heart attack to confirm before we tell her?

HOUSE: Seems like the humane approach. [Leaves and goes into his office.]

[Cut to Montage of Chase, then Cameron then Foreman checking on Addie. While Foreman is there Addie has a heart attack and Foreman starts to shock her.]

[Cut to House watching skateboarding on the TV in his office. Foreman walks in, House reluctantly turns off the TV.]

FOREMAN: Her heart went into V-fib. I brought her back, barely. Congratulations, you have your confirmation. [House gets up and starts to leave, presumably to tell Addie she is going to die. Foreman calls out after him.] What's her name?

HOUSE: Who? The co-ed?

FOREMAN: Sure.

HOUSE: [Thinks.] Dead sophomore girl?

FOREMAN: You know her father's name?

HOUSE: Dad. Her Mother's name is Mummy.

FOREMAN: Ben and Jodie are about to lose their only daughter, Addie.

HOUSE: You think they're going to give a crap if I know their names? Five years from now when the father's looking at photographs of his daughter graduating from high school they're not going to remember the nice black doctor who called them by their first name. [Foreman starts to leave, shaking his head.] You don't want to quit.

FOREMAN: You saying you don't want me to quit?

HOUSE: Didn't sound like I said that. I'm saying that suddenly you're trying to turn me into a kinder gentler ass. So you know who you are. You figure if you can make me decent and caring then maybe there's a hope for...

FOREMAN: You are about to tell a girl she is dying and you think it's about you. God I hope I'm not you. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House entering Addie's room.]

HOUSE: I'm sorry. Addie you're dying.

JODIE: Are you sure?

HOUSE: Yes. Your infections will get worse, the toxins will spill into your blood.

ADDIE: How long?

HOUSE: Two days, maybe less. You have a condition called...

ADDIE: It doesn't matter.

HOUSE: It's a very rare protein deficiency that only...

ADDIE: I don't want to hear it.

[House looks at the parents who are crying Addie stares him down.]

HOUSE: Ok. [Leaves but watches through the door as Addie comforts her mother. Then goes back in. Half laughs.] It's what's killing you. This is what's killing you, you're not interested in what's killing you?

ADDIE: Will it make any difference? Will I live any longer?

JODIE: Please, could you just leave?

HOUSE: [Smiling.] What's the point in living, without curiosity? Without craving the...

ADDIE: So I'm screwing up my last few hours because I wont listen to you?

BEN: Get out of here.

HOUSE: [Smiling still.] It's, it's, it's like the... dark matter in the universe...

ADDIE: You're smiling.

HOUSE: No I'm not. You can only diagnose a problem by looking at what's... [Sees a reflection on himself, smiling.] Missing... oh god... I have to go. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House barging into Wilson's office, waking him up, he was asleep on the couch with the lights off.]

WILSON: [Startled.] Ahh.

HOUSE: [Loudly.] 19 year old didn't want to hear the coolest explanation of why she's going to die. [Shuts the door, loudly]. Begged me to shut up. [Turns the light on.]

WILSON: If you can't shut up at least talk quietly.

HOUSE: Amphetamine withdrawal's a bitch. She thought that I was happy.

WILSON: [Sits up.] You were happy.

HOUSE: No! I was hazy. I don't get hazy on Vicodin, or anything else I throw down. Which means I was throwing down something I didn't know I was throwing down. Which got me to wondering, why didn't you give me those happy pills?

WILSON: I told you, you got to be checked out by...

HOUSE: No, you just didn't want me double dosing. [Wilson starts looking guilty, he knows the games up.] You dosed me! Those coffees...

WILSON: They worked! You've been smiling, relaxed, happy!

HOUSE: A dying girl thought I was happy. A moron thought I was happy. Who the hell doesn't want to know why she's dying?

WILSON: House was happy.

HOUSE: Hazy.

WILSON: Happy.

HOUSE: Hazy!

WILSON: Oh right a dying girl mistook hazy for happy, because dying people see happiness everywhere. She's miserable.

HOUSE: She wasn't miserable.

WILSON: Of course she was miserable you just told her she was...

HOUSE: She was no different then she ever been. [Epiphany.] She was no different than she'd ever been.... Oh god. I got to go. [Leaves and slams the door behind him, much to the dismay of Wilson who cringes and rubs his face.]

[Cut to House walking into Addie's room.]

HOUSE: Need a minute with your daughter.

BEN: Dr House get out of here before...

HOUSE: She's going to live, does that help? Now get out.

JODIE: Are you jerking us around?

HOUSE: Get out! [Parents leave, House shuts the door.] You... Have got leprechauns in ya. [Said in an Irish accent.] Depression manifests in lots of different ways. Some people can't get out of bed all day. Others have serial relationships and become oncologists.

ADDIE: I'm dying I'm not depressed.

HOUSE: Wrong and wrong. You tried to kill yourself by throwing down kitchen cleanser. Now most normal suicidal morons would have just drank the stuff, burned the hell out of their mouth and throat, painful, but not deadly. But being a college educated suicidal moron you wrapped it in gel caps or gum. [We follow the gel cap along its path down the throat and into the intestines where it dissolves and starts burning a hole.] Which left no trace but burned a hole in your intestine. But the body can repair almost anything, which is cool. But in your case scar tissue closed up the hole but it also formed a bridge between a vein and an artery. [We see the bridge being formed.] Now veins are supposed to help the intestine flush bacteria away but the bridge allowed the bacteria entrance to the artery. [We see the bacteria crossing the bridge.] Where they got a free ride, everywhere.

ADDIE: [Starts to cry.] Can you fix me?

HOUSE: Surgery to fix the bridge will take about 2 hours. Psychotherapy is going to take a little longer. Why'd you do it?

ADDIE: I don't know. I've just, never been happy. [Crying.] Please don't tell my parents, they'll blame themselves and it's not their fault, please, you can't tell them.

HOUSE: Technically, all you have to do is promise me that you wont do it again and legally I can't tell them.

ADDIE: [Composes herself.] I promise.

HOUSE: Yeah sure.

[Aerial of PPTH, Day.]

[Visual of Addie in surgery, Parents are waiting outside the OR, House walks up to them. They smile when they see him.]

JODIE: We can't thank you...

HOUSE: Your daughter tried to kill herself. That's why she's here. Legally I'm supposed to keep that between me and her. Which makes sense, she's obviously an adult, capable of her own well-reasoned decisions.

BEN: You're sure?

HOUSE: If she doesn't die in the next couple of hours, yeah, I'm right.

JODIE: How could she hide this?

HOUSE: Everyone has secrets.

BEN: We'll take care of her, figure it out.

HOUSE: You'll make her happy?

BEN: We'll get her into therapy.

HOUSE: [Nods.] Might want to try some meds too. [Starts to leave.]

JODIE: [Follows him.] Can we call you? [House turns around.] If we have any questions? [Smiles.]

HOUSE: No. [Jodie is shocked. House leaves.]

[Cut to Cuddy watching Addie's operation from the observation deck, Foreman walks in.]

FOREMAN: What's up?

CUDDY: Nothing.

FOREMAN: You wanted to see me?

CUDDY: Yeah.

[Foreman looks at surgery.]

FOREMAN: House's patient.

CUDDY: Yeah, the one that would have died if not for him.

FOREMAN: Subtle.

CUDDY: Thanks. You're really scared you'll turn into him?

FOREMAN: Don't tell me I'm better than him, don't tell me to take the good leave the bad, Cameron already tried.

CUDDY: I'm telling you there are worse things to turn into.

FOREMAN: It's not worth it. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House walking into a bar. He sits down next to Honey.]

HONEY: I didn't think you were going to show.

HOUSE: Sorry. Surgery went a little late.

HONEY: So you really think I have all the necessary qualifications?

HOUSE: I can't discuss this with a dry mouth. What have you got there?

HONEY: Peppermint tea.

HOUSE: [To the barman.] I'm going to have a mug of peppermint tea please.

HONEY: This isn't a job interview is it?

HOUSE: It's some kind of interview. You're judging me, I'm judging you.

HONEY: You have the upper hand. I don't know anything about you.

HOUSE: I'm on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I'm miserable. I don't like them they make me hazy. I eat meat, like drugs, and I'm not always faithful to the women I date.

HONEY: You don't seem depressed.

HOUSE: You do realise you just skipped over several deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from?

HONEY: You told the truth.

HOUSE: Yeah... I don't always do that either.

HONEY: Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles.]

HOUSE: We're you on the debating team in high school? [Barman pours House's tea.] Also... [Picking it up.] I hate tea. [Drinks it, then smiles.]

[End.]

Season 3 X 21 : Family

2007-05-01T14:29:00.000+08:00

Original Airdate: 5/1/2007
Written by: Liz Friedman
Directed by: David Straiton
Transcript by: Rahul

FADE IN.

[PPTH Clean Room (darkened). Camera focuses briefly on two signs on the glass of the clean room - "Mask Required" and "Hand Wash" - before focusing on the two people inside it. Matty, African-American, 10, wearing a sterile gown, adjusts his gloves. His mother, Claudia, behind him, wears similar attire.]

CLAUDIA: Try not to be scared when you see him, okay?

MATTY: [I'm ten, I'm fearless] Mom, I've seen him sick. I'm not scared.

CLAUDIA: This time's different.

[She adjusts his gown behind him.]

CLAUDIA: Doctors gave him an extra course of radiation and chemo...

MATTY: [irritably] I know.

CLAUDIA: [over his shoulder, quietly] And you understand how proud we are of you, right?

MATTY: [softly] Right.

CLAUDIA: [gesturing] Gloves, mask.

[They put on their latex gloves.]

[SLOW MOTION: Claudia presses a button on a wall. A loud hissing sound is heard as pressurized air sweeps into the room. Finally, the hissing subsides and the door to the Protective Isolation Unit opens. Claudia and Matty walk up to Nick's (Matty's brother) room door.]

[Nicks's Room. Claudia holds up her gloved hands outside the glass door, to indicate she's clean. The door opens. She enters. Behind her, with growing trepidation, Matty slowly enters the room and sees his older brother, Nick (14), lying in bed, looking really weak, but in good spirits. Nick doesn't have even the tiniest bit of hair on his face. Their father, Scott, and Wilson stand nearby, dressed similarly. The door slides closed behind Matty. Scott and Claudia look at Matty, who stands transfixed, staring at his brother. ]

SCOTT: [cheerful] Matty, you said you wanted to see your brother before the procedure.

NICK: [hoarse] I know I look like an alien, but... I-I promise not to eat your brain.

[That relieves a lot of tension in the room. Scott chuckles prompting Matty to do the same.]

MATTY: When this is done, will you be able to play out back with me?

NICK: I'll rip anything you put near the strike zone.

[That cheers up Matty greatly. Wilson comes over and puts his hand on Matty's shoulder.]

WILSON: Let your brother rest up while we take some of your marrow.

[Wilson leads Matty into the adjacent room. Claudia follows. Nick weakly rests his head up against his pillow. Wilson starts removing Matty's gown.]

WILSON: You don't need to be in an isolation room, but I pulled some strings so you could be next door to your brother.

MATTY: How many games will I miss?

WILSON: Well, you only have to be here overnight, but you do have to take it easy for a little bit.

MATTY: [complaining] I already missed two.

CLAUDIA: [admonishing softly] Matty.

WILSON: I know. It's okay. Musta been a drag. We just had to make sure you weren't exposed to any bugs. Because your healthy bone marrow is what's gonna cure your brother's leukemia--

[As if on cue, Matty sneezes. Claudia looks apprehensive. Matty stares at his brother in the next room, wide-eyed. Zoom into Wilson's worried face.]

CUT TO:

[Opening Credits.]

CUT TO:

[House's apartment. Camera moves through the bedroom window into House's bedroom and focuses on a sleeping House. Wilson sidles up in bed next to him - Hector Wilson, that is, Wilson's second ex-wife's dog. Hector places a paw on House's face. House stirs, grimacing, looking at the West Highland Terrier. He snarls at it. Hector barks in his face, making him jump back.]

HOUSE: [annoyed] C'mon.

[He shoves Hector off his bed and tries to go back to sleep. Hector jumps back on the bed, this time with one of House's Nike Shox in his mouth. He prods House with the shoe, jerking the curmudgeon awake again. House gruffly yanks the shoe out of the mutt's mouth and throws it on the floor. Hector barks and jumps off the bed after it. House jerks up to look at the mess on the floor. His other shoe has its stuffing chewed out. Books, papers and other stuff a canine can use his canines on lie on the floor in tatters. House gets up (in no particular hurry) to see Hector go to work on his other shoe. House sighs and picks up his cane. He makes a disgusted face on touching it and feeling a whole amount of doggy-drool all over it. Hector barks a couple of times. House closes his eyes in frustration.]

CUT TO:

[Aerial shot of PPTH. Day.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostics Office. House drums his fingers on his cane handle, while going over Matty's file. Chase, Cameron and Wilson are there.]

CHASE: He sneezed. Maybe it's just an allergy.

HOUSE: [reading] Not with an enlarged spleen and a fever.

WILSON: He's got one of ten thousand possible infections. Even if it's just the common cold, I do the transplant, he kills his brother.

CHASE: How long do we have?

[House gets up and makes his way towards the whiteboard.]

WILSON: Radiation obliterated his immune system. Even in a clean room, he's only got... four, maybe five days left.

[House starts writing "5 DAYS LEFT" (really big "5") on the 'board.]

CAMERON: No way we can solve this that fast. You need to find another donor.

WILSON: They're African-American. It makes it nearly impossible to find a full match.

HOUSE: [finishes writing] Tell me about it. I can't even find the one I've got working for me. Where is Foreman?

[The other two Ducklings look around, as if just figuring that Foreman's not among them.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Chapel. Foreman sits despondently in a pew, obviously contemplating his misdiagnosis of Lupe (see House 0320 - House Training). The chapel doors open. House, Chase, Cameron and Wilson stand outside.]

HOUSE: Ha! Nothing like a dead patient to send you back to your choir-boy roots.

[He shoves Matty's file in Foreman's face. Irritably, Foreman takes it. House sits down next to him.]

HOUSE: Hey! You're not gonna believe what happened. Wilson just killed a kid the same way you did.

[A lady sitting in another row turns, shocked.]

WILSON: He's not dead.

[The lady leaves.]

HOUSE: Five days are gonna fly by. He didn't look both ways before he nuked. [drums his cane on the ground] You done talking to your imaginary friend? Because I thought maybe you could do your job.

[Two other people, sitting behind, leave.]

FOREMAN: [reading from the file] We should start the donor brother on broad-spectrum antibiotics.

HOUSE: Great idea, if you're looking to save exactly one kid. Broad-spec will take at least a week to work. We need narrow-spec. [looks at his cane, then to Wilson] How old is Hector?

CAMERON: Our patient's name is Matty. His brother's Nick.

WILSON: Hector's my dog. He's about seventeen.

HOUSE: Seventeen? That's like...a hundred and nineteen in human years. Why's he still alive?

FOREMAN: Five days minus twenty seconds talking about Wilson's dog. We need to start testing. Stool samples for parasites, antibody tests...

CHASE: Blood panel was negative for all the usual suspects.

HOUSE: That's 'cause the infection is too small. We start testing now, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. We draw blood, odds are we're just gonna come up with hay. We need to grow more needles.

[Blank stares all around.]

HOUSE: Okay, that... probably needs further explanation. We make the donor kid sicker. We freeze him, we soak him, break down his immune system. Suddenly we're looking at some needle a camel can pass through the eye of.

CHASE: Making him sicker risks spreading the infection all throughout his body.

HOUSE: True, but who cares? Once we know what the infection is, we'll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn't dead yet, we're cool.

FOREMAN: We should do what we normally do - Go to the kid's house, check for sources of infection.

HOUSE: Waste of time. You think it's in the house. I know it's in the patient.

FOREMAN: Safer than intentionally making the kid sicker.

HOUSE: [beat] Fine. Go.

[Foreman raises an eyebrow at the rather immediate permission granted by House. He gets up. Cameron and Chase also seem bewildered.]

CUT TO:

[Matty's room. Wilson explains the procedures to Claudia and Scott, while House blows gently on the glass window.]

SCOTT: So e-exactly h-how sick are you gonna make Matty?

WILSON: He could get quite ill. This certainly won't be a pleasant experience for anyone, but it's our onl...

HOUSE: [butting in] Ever get caught in the rain without an umbrella? That's all we're talking about here. Sign the form.

WILSON: It's a little more complicated than that. We'll also be doing leukopheresis. We run Matty's blood through a machine that filters out his white blood cells.

CLAUDIA: But without his white cells, how can he get better in time?

WILSON: We'll pump the white blood cells back as soon as we have a diagnosis.

[House checks out a stuffed frog.]

WILSON: Then we should be able to cure the infection in time to do the transplant.

SCOTT: But you can't guarantee?

HOUSE: We're not GM! No recalls, no rebates. Any more questions while your son's life slips away?

CLAUDIA: [to Wilson] You really think we should do this?

HOUSE: Yes! [to Wilson] Sorry, your patient. You tell them.

WILSON: [sighing] This is your family. It needs to be your decision.

[Scott looks at Claudia, who holds his hand in support.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Hallway. House chides Wilson as they walk.]

HOUSE: All you had to do was say, "Yes, I do." God knows that's a phrase you've used often enough in your life.

WILSON: It was a mistake every time. Give it a break. They said yes.

HOUSE: That's not enough for you. You need them to feel good about saying yes.

WILSON: [arguing] I treat patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you.

HOUSE: [the argument-winner] I'm taller.

WILSON: If they don't trust me, I can't do my job.

HOUSE: The only value of that trust is you can manipulate them.

WILSON: You should write greeting cards.

HOUSE: Giving parents the chance to make a bad choice was a bad choice.

WILSON: At least it would've been their choice.

HOUSE: One they'd regret at their son's funeral.

CUT TO:

[Matty and Nick's Home, Backyard. Day. It's time for the weekly House-ordered B&E. Chase and Foreman get to do the honours this time.]

CHASE: Kitchen and bathrooms were immaculate. Whatever the kid's got, he didn't get here.

FOREMAN: [examining a swing set] No-o, whatever the kid got, he didn't get from the kitchen or the bathroom. Nobody cleans swing sets.

CHASE: Yeah, because their kid's ten and hasn't used it since he was six.

FOREMAN: You obviously think your time could be better spent. Why'd you come along?

[Chase picks up a baseball from the bucket and walks over to a pitcher's mound.]

CHASE: Feel bad about what happened last week.

FOREMAN: I'm handling it.

CHASE: Family's gonna sue?

[He pitches the ball to a net. The ball rebounds off the net.]

FOREMAN: She only had her grandparents and they weren't close.

CHASE: Well, that's good. For you, I mean. A lawsuit makes it even harder to put behind you.

[He pitches again.]

FOREMAN: You put yours behind you?

CHASE: No.

[He tosses Foreman a ball and goes to collect another one from the bucket.]

FOREMAN: I woke up this morning, I-I couldn't remember what she was wearing when I admitted her.

CHASE: [pitches] Memories fade.

FOREMMAN: I killed her a week ago and I can't remember what colour top she was wearing.

CHASE: [pitches] I was grateful when I could wake up not thinking about her.

FOREMAN: I'm not like you. Your patient died because you were distracted over the death of your dad. I made a calculated decision. You acted like a human being. I acted like... House.

[He pitches rather weakly. The ball hits the bottom of the net and rolls away into the bushes nearby. Foreman seems a bit upset and demoralized. He looks down and inspects the pitcher's mound. Chase goes to retrieve the ball.]

FOREMAN: Could be mucor or strongyloides in this dirt.

CHASE: No pulmonary symptoms. He's setting well, breathing easily.

[Chase goes behind the bushes and finds an old, rather rusty-looking water pump. He takes out a vial from his bag and kneels in front of the pump. He pumps the handles a couple of times to get the water running. Murky water flows out and Chase collects a sample of it.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Procedure room. A temperature gauge measures Matty's dropping temperature. A nurse dips a sponge in icy-cold water and then squeezes it over Matty's right shoulder. Matty recoils a bit as the freezing water splashes on his skin. Claudia stands nearby, an unsure look on her face.]

MATTY: [voice quivering] Mom, I'm freezing.

[Shot of the monitors. No beeping as yet.]

MATTY: How long do I have to...?

[Chase and Foreman enter, wearing sterile clothing, covering their mouths with surgical masks.]

FOREMAN: Hey Matty, we found an old water pump in your backyard. You ever drink from it?

MATTY: [shivering] Yeah, it was gross.

FOREMAN: We gotta test for mycobacteria, leptospirosis.

CHASE: When did you drink the water?

MATTY: L-Last summer?

[Chase and Foreman seem disappointed.]

FOREMAN: You sure? You haven't even taken a sip to cool off?

MATTY: It was really gross. My shoulder's bugging me. Does that matter?

[Chase goes to check up on him.]

CHASE: It could. Did you do anything to hurt it?

MATTY: Just threw the ball around the other day for a couple of hours.

FOREMAN: It's probably just a muscle ache. Let us know if it gets worse.

[Matty nods. Foreman and Chase start to leave.]

MATTY: So soreness and stuff, th-that's not 'cause I'm sick?

FOREMAN: Something else bugging you?

[Matty seems a bit apprehensive about saying anything. He looks at his mother.]

MATTY: Sort of.

CUT TO:

[PPTH Hallway. House and Foreman emerge from a room, talking about Matty.]

FOREMAN: He has acute scrotum.

HOUSE: Adorable! Please, I thought you were dignified.

[That wisecrack earns him a sharp look from Foreman.]

HOUSE: Come on, how am I not supposed to make that joke? The best thing about big honkin' gonads -
well, one of the best things - is there's only a few infections that could cause it. Do urinalysis and cultures for E. Coli, klebsiella, TB and brucella; blood tests for enteroviruses and adenoviruses. Hopefully, the needles have grown as fast as his sac, and we can find it.

FOREMAN: Can Chase and Cameron cover that?

[House stops walking and turns to Foreman.]

HOUSE: Mind if I ask why?

FOREMAN: I want to recheck the national marrow registry for an alternate donor.

HOUSE: In case we're wrong?

FOREMAN: It's been known to happen.

HOUSE: Fine. Go.

[Foreman nods and walks off. House watches him as he leaves and limps off in the other direction.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Pathology Lab. Chase and Cameron run the House-ordered tests.]

CAMERON: Negative for E. Coli and TB. Why is House taking it easy on Foreman?

CHASE: He deserves a break.

CAMERON: Yeah, House is all about giving breaks to people in need.

CHASE: No on klebsiella. [looks at her] And it's Tuesday.

[She gives him a confused look.]

CHASE: It's got nothing to do with Foreman or House. It's just... It's the day I remind you I like you, and I want us to be together.

CAMERON: [here we go again...] Thank you. I'd forgotten.

[She looks back down, an annoyed look on her face. Chase takes the hint and focuses on the test.]

CHASE: No on brucella and both viral antibodies.

CAMERON: You're really gonna do this every Tuesday?

CHASE: You take the day off, I'll pick it up on Wednesday.

[He stops, as if something's just struck him.]

CHASE: What if we're looking for the wrong thing?

CAMERON: These are the only infections that cause swollen testicles. Why don't you just say it four times now and leave me alone for a month?

CHASE: What if it's not an infection?

CAMERON: His temperature's through the roof. There's mucus pouring out of him.

CHASE: I know he has an infection, but what if it didn't directly cause the scrotum issue? What if it just caused the thing that caused the scrotum issue?

[He picks up a file and starts to read through it. He tosses the file on the shelf separating them.]

CHASE: CKMB is elevated.

CAMERON: [picks up the file and reads it] Slightly. There's nothing wrong with...

CHASE: [interrupts] Indicates cardiac injury. We stuck him in that room, put his stupid little runny nose infection into hyperdrive. What if it went to his heart?

[Cameron looks at him.]

CUT TO:

[Matty's room. Chase and Cameron are performing a transesophogeal echo on an unconscious Matty. Chase pushes the fiber optic camera through Matty's throat. Cameron looks at the screen.]

CHASE: Pulmonary valve looks clean.

CAMERON: [sees something on the screen] Wait. Stop.

[Chase pauses the image. A trapezoid forms on the screen.]

CAMERON: Mitral valve. There's a growth. [looks ominously at Chase] He'll need a month of antibiotics to clear that. His brother only has four days to live.

[Off Chase, we...]

CUT TO:

[Matty's room. Matty's awake and sitting up in bed. Scott is with him. In the adjoining room, Claudia (in mask and sterile gown) sits with Nick. Scott strokes Matty's leg as they speak.]

CAMERON: [voice-over] The infection in Matty's...

CUT TO:

[PPTH Diagnostics Office. House confers with the Ducklings and Wilson.]

CAMERON: ...mitral valve rules him out as a donor.

HOUSE: This is perfect.

CAMERON: We drove the infection into his heart.

[House erases the giant "5" off the whiteboard and replaces it with an equally giant "4".]

HOUSE: Okay. Perfect is too strong a word. But it's very, very good. Now we know where the infection is. All we gotta do is remove the valve, ID the infection, target and destroy.

FOREMAN: Remove the valve? He'll be fine on antibiotics. He doesn't need open heart surgery.

HOUSE: He'll be heart-broken on account of his dead brother.

CHASE: Either way, he's got a dead brother. The infection isn't just in the valve. Even with targeted medication, there's no way we can clear his system in time.

[House pulls a bottle of water from the fridge.]

HOUSE: We don't have to. We have to clear his marrow. After the surgery, harvest the marrow, marinate it in the targeted antibiotic, simmer and serve.

[He takes a swig of water.]

WILSON: Could work.

FOREMAN: It's insane!

WILSON: It is better than a dead brother.

FOREMAN: I'm running this by Cuddy.

HOUSE: [nods] Fine. Go. In fact, let's all go.

[He gets his cane off the 'board and starts to limp out.]

CUT TO:

[Cuddy's office. Wilson and Foreman stand in front of Cuddy's desk, while House lounges on her sofa reading "Sewing Notions" magazine.]

FOREMAN: This surgery is dangerous and life-altering. And clearly not in the interest of our patient.

WILSON: It is if he likes his brother.

FOREMAN: We have a conflict of interest.

WILSON: The parents don't.

FOREMAN: Of course they do. They already sacrificed Matty's health to benefit his brother once.

WILSON: They made his cold worse.

FOREMAN: We screwed up his heart valve by making his cold worse.

CUDDY: [to House] Do you have anything to add to this debate?

HOUSE: [not looking at up from his magazine] Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, and your shirt is way too revealing for the office.

CUDDY: [to Foreman] What do you want me to do?

WILSON: We should call Child Services and have them appoint a guardian for Matty.

CUDDY: No. [to Wilson] Go explain the choices to the parents. And don't let House bully them.

[Foreman rolls his eyes and leaves, followed by Wilson. House starts to get up.]

CUDDY: House. Did he really think I was gonna do that?

HOUSE: I didn't.

CUDDY: Then why did you let him...?

HOUSE: Tried to cut him some slack.

CUDDY: [yeah, right] Nice of you.

[House looks behind to make sure Foreman's not around.]

HOUSE: I think he's got the yips.

[Cuddy has no idea what that is.]

HOUSE: Steve Blass, Scott Norwood, David Duval. All got the yips. Great athletes. Lost their confidence, and immediately started sucking.

CUDDY: And you're... giving him time to work through it?

HOUSE: Mm-hmm! Four days, then he's fired. You don't get better from the yips.

[He leaves. Off Cuddy's face, we...]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Children's playroom. Wilson, accompanied by House, explains to Scott and Claudia about the
surgery.]

SCOTT: [softly] Open-heart surgery?

HOUSE: If you want both kids to live, it's the only choice.

WILSON: Due to the valve replacement, Matty will have to be on blood thinners to prevent potential clots.

SCOTT: For how long?

WILSON: Forever. He couldn't participate in contact sports because of the risk of haemorrhage.

CLAUDIA: [equally upset] What about the marrow registry? Maybe they'll find a match.

HOUSE: [cynically] Maybe they'll ride it here on a unicorn.

[Claudia joins a whole bunch of patients' parents who don't like House's attitude.]

WILSON: I'm afraid finding a viable new donor isn't something we can realistically depend on.

SCOTT: [sits down heavily, dejected] Either we cripple one son or kill the other.

HOUSE: He won't be able to play baseball. But that doesn't make him a cripple.

SCOTT: [to Wilson] What should we do?

[House looks at Wilson. Wilson seems torn. Finally, he nods.]

WILSON: You should protect your family as a whole. You should do the surgery.

[House almost looks proud of his friend.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Hallway. House and Wilson emerge from a room. House seems ecstatic. Wilson, not so much.]

HOUSE: That was awesome!

WILSON: [quietly] Shut up.

HOUSE: I gotta start pretending to care.

WILSON: I did exactly what Cuddy told us not to do.

HOUSE: No, you didn't. You did exactly what she told me not to do. You're completely in the clear.

[Wilson says nothing. He goes to a nearby Nurse Station, and looks through some papers.]

HOUSE: You've gotta be kidding me. You're actually upset. You just said what you believed.

WILSON: I also believe in patients making their own choices.

HOUSE: Because it lessens your guilt if things go wrong. You're not protecting your choices.

[Wilson hands a couple of papers to a nurse.]

HOUSE: You're soothing your conscience.

WILSON: By that logic, a sociopath would make the best patient advocate in the world.

[He walks away. House remains in front of the 'Station.]

HOUSE: [calling out after him] Am I blushing?

CUT TO:

[Matty's room. Scott stands, arms folded, wearing a sterile gown. Claudia is there as well. Matty and Nick (in a wheelchair) stand on opposite sides of the window separating their rooms, looking at each other. Cameron enters, in a sterile gown, removing a surgical mask from her face. A nurse follows, bringing in a wheelchair.]

CAMERON: [to Matty] You ready?

MATTY: [quietly] Yeah.

[He turns back to Nick.]

NICK: Thanks.

MATTY: You'd do the same for me.

[Matty and Nick slowly "bump fists" on their respective sides of the window. Cameron gently guides Matty to the wheelchair, where he sits. The nurse starts to wheel him out.]

SCOTT: [encouraging] Don't worry. You're gonna be fine.

MATTY: [hopeful] Think I'll be better in time to pitch in the playoffs?

CLAUDIA: [leaning towards him] Maybe next season.

[She kisses him on the cheek. Matty looks morose. The nurse wheels him out.]

SCOTT: [watching them go] We should have told him.

CLAUDIA: He loves his brother. But if he understood what we were asking of him...

SCOTT: [arguing] He loves his brother more than he loves baseball.

CAMERON: [interjecting] You did the right thing. Putting any part of this decision on him... it's impossible for you guys to deal with this. How's a ten-year-old supposed to do it?

[She leaves. Claudia slowly moves to the window to look at Nick. Nick closes his eyes.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Operation Room. Matty is on the operating table, unconscious. His beating heart is exposed. The surgeons perform the operation on him.]

SURGEON: Canula in place. Sutures are holding. [beat] We're all set to go. Switch him over to bypass.

[The heart stops beating. The bypass machine starts whirring, while a surgeon hands his colleague an instrument off the nearby table. Wilson (scrubbed up) watches the procedure.]

CUT TO:

[Aerial shot of PPTH. Night.]

CUT TO:

[House's apartment. House is asleep on his couch, while a Curling game plays on TV. The phone rings. House stirs awake. He answers the phone.]

HOUSE: [into phone] Yeah?

INTERCUT WITH:

[PPTH, Wilson's office. Wilson speaks on his phone.]

WILSON: [into phone] I didn't do the surgery.

HOUSE: [into phone] You woke me up to tell me that you're lazy.

WILSON: [into phone] We biopsied a piece before we started cutting.

HOUSE: [into phone] I'm tired. Get to the point.

WILSON: [into phone] We didn't replace the valve because the growth was fibrous tissue. It wasn't infectious. We gotta be wrong about...

HOUSE: [seeing something] Oh, God.

WILSON: [from phone] What? You know what's wrong with Matty?

[House slowly leans forward on the couch, looking at something on the floor.]

HOUSE: [into phone, mock-concern] I think Hector's committed suicide.

WILSON: [into phone] What are you talking about?

[Hector lies still on House's floor, a bottle of Vicodin open next to him, pills strewn around near him.]

HOUSE: [into phone] He took some pills.

WILSON: [into phone, humouring House] Is he alive?

[House gets up off the couch and slowly starts creeping towards Hector.]

HOUSE: [into phone] He ate half my stash. Of course he's...

[House prods the dog with his cane. Hector lifts his head up and lets out a groan. House sighs in disappointment. He picks up the empty, open Vicodin bottle and looks at it.]

HOUSE: [into phone] He's stoned. I'll be right in.

[He hangs up and looks at Hector.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostics Office. Wilson glances anxiously at his wristwatch. Cameron, equally anxious, looks up to see House entering the office. Foreman and Chase are also present.]

HOUSE: Cut all the way into this kid's heart, and all we got was this lousy, non-infectious fibrous tissue.

WILSON: How did we miss this?

[House removes his jacket and hands his satchel to Cameron.]

CAMERON: Matty had a fever. Got sicker when we suppressed his immune system. That all points to
infection.

HOUSE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[He puts a "<" sign on the left of the "4" on the whiteboard, signifying they have less than four days left.]

HOUSE: Not our fault. Fibrous tissue! Something is turning his healthy heart valve to gristle.

CAMERON: [recalling] Fibrous tissue, enlarged spleen, fever. Could mean autoimmune.

[Wilson and House look at each other.]

WILSON: [hopeful] Autoimmune diseases aren't passed along in bone marrow. He can still donate. We
confirm, I do the surgery.

[Wilson starts to leave.]

HOUSE: Lupus and Beh�ets are our best bet. Do an ANA and a pathergy test.

FOREMAN: Or... it could be infection.

[Wilson stops.]

HOUSE: My memory's not what it used to be, but didn't we just rule that out eight seconds ago?

FOREMAN: Just because it's not what screwed up his valve doesn't mean it's not in his system.

HOUSE: Uh-huh, and it has the obvious advantage of making us right all along. A little disadvantage of making big brother dead.

FOREMAN: That's your argument? Better outcome?

HOUSE: [pointedly] It fits.

FOREMAN: The family has one kid with leukemia and one with autoimmune. Wouldn't stand next to them in a rainstorm.

HOUSE: That's your argument? It sucks for them?

FOREMAN: It fits, and we can still help big brother. National marrow registry came up with a four out of six donors.

HOUSE: Six out of six is two better than four out of six, right? I mean, I know two is so small, but since it means that he's gonna get Graft vs. Host disease, the marrow will attack his body and he'll die a painful death. [to the others] Find out what autoimmune it is.

[Cameron and Chase get up and leave. Foreman sits a while longer, shakes his head and leaves.]

CUT TO:

[Matty's room/Nick's room. While Nick lies in bed, Cameron performs tests on Matty. Scott and Claudia watch.]

SCOTT: Is this autoimmune better o-or worse than a new heart valve?

CAMERON: It depends on which autoimmune it is. With early detection, most are manageable.

CLAUDIA: [softly] How long will the testing take?

CAMERON: That's the other good thing about this. There's literally thousands of possible infections but only a handful of autoimmune conditions. We'll have the answer in a few hours.

[From the adjoining room, Nick calls out.]

NICK: Hey, doctor?

[Everyone looks up at Nick, who's holding up his right arm.]

NICK: Is this bad?

[Nick's arm has dark-red bruises, near the wrist and the hand.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, outside House's office/hallway. Night. House exits from his office and meets Wilson outside. They start walking.]

HOUSE: Wanna catch a movie?

WILSON: It's one in the morning.

HOUSE: I know a place. Although I wouldn't recommend wearing those shoes.

WILSON: How exactly does a dog unscrew a bottle of pills?

HOUSE: Is that a riddle?

WILSON: It requires an opposable thumb.

HOUSE: I must have left it off.

WILSON: On the floor?

HOUSE: I think he hopped upon to the bathroom counter.

WILSON: He has arthritis.

[Crash!! House's cane snaps and he crumples to the ground, bumping on the wall as he falls. He looks like he could wring a particular dog's neck.]

WILSON: Not me this time.

[House remains sitting.]

HOUSE: No! It's your damn dog! [holding up the top of the cane] He chews everything! I was missing a file. Found paper in his stool. An original Sun record '78 Elvis recording - gone! Who the hell chews vinyl? He's vindictive. [beat] And he's had a good, long life. It's his time.

[Cameron and Chase come from round the corner of the corridor. They see House still sitting on the ground.]

CAMERON: Are you okay?

HOUSE: I just tripped over Wilson's self-righteousness.

[Chase holds out his hand to help House up.]

HOUSE: [cold-shoulders the helping hand] What d'you got?

CHASE: Matty's negative for everything. It's not autoimmune. So we're back to infection.

CAMERON: Nick's starting to deteriorate fast. He's got bruising all over his arms.

CHASE: Capillaries are leaking blood. If it happens in his brain, he's dead.

CAMERON: We've got to go with the four out of six donors.

HOUSE: Hmm. Did I mention my concerns about four being less than six? Wilson's first wife ignored a similar issue. Of course, that time, it was only fatal to their marriage.

WILSON: It's either that or we start randomly testing Matty for infections. I know you hate the word random.

HOUSE: [getting up] Do it alphabetically. We're not doing that damn transplant. [looks around] Where's Foreman?

CUT TO:

[Outside Matty's and Nick's rooms. Foreman speaks to Claudia and Scott.]

FOREMAN: We found a donor. It's not an ideal match. But four out of six still gives Nick a chance.

[The ecstatic parents hug each other, Scott kissing Claudia's head. Foreman feels like a heel though.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Children's playroom. Wilson and House are trying hard to change Claudia and Scott's minds.]

WILSON: A partial match transplant is extremely dangerous...

SCOTT: [interrupting] Dr. Foreman explained...

HOUSE: Did he also explain what sort of pain your son will experience if he gets Graft vs. Host
disease?

SCOTT: Yes.

HOUSE: Apparently, he didn't explain it vividly enough. Let me give it a whack.

CLAUDIA: He also explained that if we did nothing, Nick could start bleeding into his brain.

WILSON: Matty is a perfect match. Just give us a little more time to figure out...

CLAUDIA: How much time?

WILSON: Dr. House is the best diagnostician...

SCOTT: [interrupting pointedly] How much time?

WILSON: I don't know.

SCOTT: [starts to choke up] And Nick can start bleeding into this brain without any warning.

WILSON: Yes, but the chances of complications from a mismatch are...

SCOTT: [softly] My boys have suffered enough. Get Matty better. And give Nick the transplant from the new donor.

[Defeated, Wilson nods.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Hallway. House and Wilson walk. House is now using a four-pronged metal cane.]

WILSON: Foreman screwed us.

HOUSE: No! You screwed us.

[Wilson looks surprised at House.]

HOUSE: What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? 'S like training a dog and then letting him go on your rug. Which, by the way...

WILSON: [defensive] Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way...

HOUSE: [arguing loudly] You don't explain chances and probabilities. You lie to them. You tell them Foreman's a moron - which isn't even much of a lie right now.

WILSON: You gotta to talk to him.

HOUSE: I got no problem with what Foreman did.

WILSON: [angry] He undercut us and he may have cost that kid his life!

[House stops walking and turns to face Wilson.]

HOUSE: [mad] Well, he did what he thought was right! You, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered, you didn't have the guts to tell them what to do! 'F that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong AND because you're a coward!

[House limps away, leaving Wilson standing there with a stunned expression on his face.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Procedure Room. A donor lies sideways (decubitus position) on a bed. Foreman (scrubbed up) takes out a rather scary-looking aspirate needle and pushes it into the exposed part of the man's backside.]

[CGI POV: The camera zooms towards the needle and into the man's bone. The needle pierces through the bone, sending small bone fragments around. The needle starts to aspirate the marrow. The marrow flows quickly through the needle, as we...]

MERGE WITH:

[Nick's room. The scarlet-coloured marrow is being administered to Nick, intravenously. Foreman (still scrubbed up) adjusts the IV drip on Nick's hand.]

CUT TO:

[House's apartment. The apartment is dark. However, the front door is ajar (big enough for, say, a pesky mutt to get out). House, returning home, comes to his front door and peeks inside.]

HOUSE: [top of his voice] Oh, goodness! I've left my door open! My poor dog must've run away and been hit by a car or... truck. [hopeful] Or train.

[He enters the apartment and switches on the light.]

HOUSE: [even more hopeful] Or an anvil.

[He looks around, almost sure he'll be free of Hector. No such luck. Hector's behind the couch, and apparently has found a new chewtoy.]

HOUSE: [oh, joy...] Thank God. You're still here. [top of voice again] He's still here!

[He looks around and sees an empty space in a cabinet. He jerks his head towards Hector.]

HOUSE: Where's my stereo?

[Hector whines a little. House sighs, barely controlling himself. He shuts the door with his
four-pronged cane. He starts limping towards the bathroom. Hector follows. He reaches the bathroom, and slams the door shut (unaware of his pursuer). A thump is heard, followed by a painful yelp and whine. House smiles, finally having got his revenge on Hector.]

CUT TO:

[Aerial shot of PPTH. Day.]

CUT TO:

[Matty's room. Cameron checks up on Matty.]

CAMERON: How you feeling?

MATTY: [scratching his right ear] A little itchy.

[She hooks up a new IV bag. He stops scratching his ear and thinks.]

MATTY: It's weird, huh? You still have no idea what's wrong with me, but [points] those meds will make me better.

CAMERON: We put you on a variety of medications that'll fight all kinds of infections.

MATTY: Nick, you know exactly what's wrong with him, maybe he's gonna die anyway.

CAMERON: Hopefully, the new marrow will...

MATTY: I can't go in there, can I?

[She looks at him, sympathetically.]

CAMERON: [softly] Your infection would kill him.

MATTY: [morosely] So I won't be able to be with him when he dies?

CAMERON: [trying to be encouraging] You'll... be able to be with him when he gets better.

[Matty starts scratching his right ear again, but much harder this time. He hisses in irritation and leans forward in bed.]

CAMERON: What's wrong?

MATTY: [exhales heavily] It really itches.

[He stops scratching so Cameron can take a look. She sees his ear is dripping blood, staining his gown.]

CUT TO:

[Tobacco Store. House stands at the counter, requesting service from the currently-absent salesman. Upbeat old-fashioned music plays in the background.]

HOUSE: [deep voice] Hello?

[Wilson enters from outside, not in the best of spirits. House, trying out a smoking pipe, turns around to see him. House puts down the pipe.]

WILSON: Why am I meeting you here?

HOUSE: Paying for my new cane. It was your dog.

[House tries on a pair of large green rectangular glasses and checks himself out in the mirror.]

WILSON: So that's it. You call me a coward, life goes on.

HOUSE: Apparently. Showed up.

[Wilson shakes his head and starts to leave.]

HOUSE: Hey.

[Wilson, pinching the bridge of his nose, turns around.]

HOUSE: [beat] I'm sorry.

WILSON: [nods, softly] Okay.

[Wilson walks up to House. House rings the bell for service.]

HOUSE: You're pathetic. I didn't actually mean that.

WILSON: [shrugs] Yes, you did.

[House's cellphone starts to ring.]

HOUSE: No, I didn't. To infinity.

WILSON: Yes, you did. You're pathetic.

[House answers the phone.]

HOUSE: [into phone] Yeah. [listens] When? [listens] What did the lab say? [listens] Uh-huh?

[House limps around, while speaking. Wilson checks out the store, looking at a porcelain mermaid.]

WILSON: Why don't you buy your cane in a medical supply store like a normal cripple?

[House, still on the phone, tries on a cowboy hat. The salesman finally shows up.]

HOUSE: [to Wilson] Fewer bitchin' choices. [into phone] Okay.

[He hangs up and calls out to the salesman.]

HOUSE: What do you got in bitchin'?

SALESMAN: Right this way.

HOUSE: [taking off the hat] That was Cameron. The kid that wasn't all that sick is now all that sick. He's bleeding out of his ears.

WILSON: Blood counts?

HOUSE: Down.

[They make their way to where the salesman stands. The salesman pulls out a cane with a skull handle.]

WILSON: Schistocytes on the smear?

HOUSE: His body's not making new blood cells. His bone marrow's crashing.

SALESMAN: This is one of our top sellers.

[The salesman hands House the skull-handled cane. House doesn't look at all impressed.]

HOUSE: It's a little too Marilyn Manson in a retirement home. [returns it; to Wilson] Meds are suppressing his bone marrow.

WILSON: Or the infection's doing it.

[Next cane - a glossy dark-brown arch-handled cane.]

HOUSE: [impressed] Very cool.

SALESMAN: Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod.

[House doesn't seem to like it anymore.]

HOUSE: Penis canes are murder. [hands it back, points] Let me see the one on the end.

SALESMAN: You got it.

HOUSE: [to Wilson] You need to stop Matty's meds. The marrow rebounds, it's the meds. If it doesn't, it's an infection.

WILSON: And if it's the infection?

HOUSE: Maybe I was wrong about which kid's gonna die.

[The salesman comes over, a cane in hand (off-screen). House is genuinely enthused.]

CUE MUSIC: [Highway to Hell - AC/DC.]

HOUSE: Bitchiiiin'.

[House smiles.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Elevator/Hallway. The heavy-metal music continues in the background. The elevator doors open. Camera holds on House's and Wilson's legs and House's new cane - a black one with orange, red and yellow flames on it (Just call him Ghost Limper!). In slow-motion, they start walking/limping out of the elevator. Different camera angles of the cane are seen. They enter the Diagnostics office.]

CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. H2H keeps playing. Cameron turns her head to see the cane, Chase (taking a sip of coffee) frowns, and Foreman raises his eyebrows. House stops and thumps the cane on the floor. A thundering sound is heard and the music stops abruptly.]

CAMERON: [might as well get it over with] Flames.

HOUSE: [swinging it up] Makes it look like I'm going fast. Now, how's our dying kids?

CHASE: [tired] Nick's developed blisters all over his feet and legs. He's got grade four Graft vs. Host.

WILSON: Increase his dosage of methylprednisolone.

CHASE: Already did. It's not working.

[Foreman looks downcast.]

HOUSE: [to him] Feeling guilty?

FOREMAN: I did the right thing.

HOUSE: Always a comfort. Okay, what's the other kid's status?

WILSON: We're done with Nick?

HOUSE: God is done with Nick. We know what he has. We know how to treat it. We're doing it. It's not working. Life is for the living.

CHASE: Matty's been off his meds for a few hours, but his blood count's still tanking. It means the meds aren't to blame. It's the infection.

CAMERON: If we don't get this under control, his blood will literally turn into water.

[House massages his forehead. Wilson and Cameron drop their heads.]

HOUSE: Cultures still aren't growing anything.

FOREMAN: Why not?

HOUSE: Because you did the right thing. Convinced the parents to treat the kid. All you did was yank the weed out of the ground. It's roots are still killing your beautiful lawn. We just can't see it. And if we can't see it, we don't know what it is. And if we don't know what it is, we can't kill it. You gotta wait for it to grow back again. [sighs] Now his soil is arid. So he and his brother will be dead by the time...

[He stops, feeling the after-effects of an epiphany (which include quickened background music and the camera zooming towards his face). He tilts his head as he speaks.]

HOUSE: What if the dandelion was in fertile soil? [turns to the others] What if we take the roots from Matty and put them in Nick? Turn the kid into a petri dish? Only better. A petri dish can't tell you when it hurts.

CHASE: You want to give him his brother's infection? The very thing we've been trying to avoid since the brother sneezed?

HOUSE: Leukemia kid's got no defenses.

CAMERON: Which is why he'll die.

HOUSE: But before he does, the infection will spread, fast. Fast enough to tell us what it is. In time to save his brother.

[The Ducklings don't know what to say. Wilson sighs and looks at Foreman.]

WILSON: Do you see any other way?

[Foreman looks down and shakes his head.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Random room. Wilson and House get the unenviable task of convincing the parents to let one of their sons die for the other.]

WILSON: [slowly and expressive] The infection is decimating Matty's bone marrow. But... if we give that marrow to Nick, his symptoms could let us diagnose Matty.

CLAUDIA: But it'll kill Nick.

HOUSE: Yes.

SCOTT: [shocked] You're... you're saying we should kill one son to save the other?

HOUSE: Nick is gonna die either way.

SCOTT: [angry] You don't know that! I mean, he's in pain right now, but...

WILSON: Nick's Graft vs. Host is not responding to medication.

SCOTT: [almost inaudible, pleading tearfully] It can change. May-maybe he'll-he'll rally. Hey, my Nick is a fighter.

HOUSE: Graft vs. Host is not gonna go away because of Nick's sunny smile and positive outlook.

CLAUDIA: [fighting to stay calm] Nick has survived three reoccurrences of his leukemia.

HOUSE: He's being torn apart from the inside out. His pain's gonna get worse and worse until he dies. You're just dragging it out. [beat] You have only one decision to make - to leave here with one dead son or two.

[Scott looks at him, tearily. Claudia can't control her tears anymore. Wilson looks at House.]

HOUSE: Tell 'em.

[Scott looks at Wilson, hopefully.]

WILSON: [nods somberly] You should let us do this.

[Scott wipes his face in sadness. Claudia can stay calm no longer. She forces herself to her feet and yells emotionally.]

CLAUDIA: NO!

[Scott steels himself and stands up.]

SCOTT: We're not giving upon Nick. [firm] Not!

[House and Wilson look at each other.]

CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. House and Wilson enter. The Ducklings look up. House throws a file on the glass table in frustration.]

HOUSE: Patients' parents apparently don't want to be parents anymore. [to Chase] You're a sneaky bastard. Any ideas how we get around this?

CHASE: Court order?

HOUSE: [disappointed] That's hardly sneaky.

FOREMAN: We can still save Matty. Run more tests. Find out what infection is destroying his marrow.

HOUSE: Ten thousand possible infections. At least twenty minutes per test. Take you approximately eight years.

FOREMAN: Actually, four months, assuming the last one I test is the right one. If it's the first, it'll take me approximately twenty minutes.

WILSON: [wearily] He's right. It's worth a shot.

HOUSE: He's timid. Testing blindly is not gonna save this kid.

FOREMAN: [cynically] But standing around here will.

[He leaves, walking past House. Wilson follows half-heartedly. Chase goes as well. Cameron gets up and walks out too. House pops a Vicodin.]

CUT TO:

[Clean room/Nick's room. House (in sterile gown and mask) limps (sans his Bitchin' cane) towards Nick's room. Nick's groans of agony can be heard. House limps inside his room. Scott is there, trying unsuccessfully to comfort Nick, who is lying on his side.]

HOUSE: Wow, he sure is hurting.

SCOTT: [choking] Nurses say he maxed out on his pain meds.

HOUSE: [pulling out his scrip book] If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

[He starts to write out a prescription. Scott turns and gets up. House rips out the scrip and holds it out to Scott.]

HOUSE: Pharmacy's on the ground floor.

SCOTT: [leaning towards Nick] I'm gonna go get you some more pain medication, okay?

NICK: [in extreme pain] Thank you.

[Scott takes the scrip and runs out. House makes sure he's gone and removes his mask. He sits in front of Nick, who's agony get more piteous by the minute. House looks at him.]

HOUSE: It's not gonna help. You're dying. Nothing's gonna change that. Drugs'll just make you go easier.

NICK: [breathing heavily] I know.

HOUSE: Fourteen years on the planet. Most of them spent suffering. Dying before you even got to drive a car, take off a girl's bra, drink a beer. Believe me, there's plenty you haven't done. Really good stuff. [beat] Must make it hard to believe in God or... fairness, a larger purpose. [beat] But your life doesn't have to be meaningless. You can save your brother.

[Nick looks up at House and stops breathing heavily for a second.]

NICK: How?

CUT TO:

[PPTH Labs. Foreman and Wilson run tests.]

FOREMAN: Negative for CMV.

WILSON: Negative for amoebas. House called you timid.

FOREMAN: He's called me a lot worse.

WILSON: To him, there is nothing worse. He's gonna fire you.

FOREMAN: [ignoring it] Even if we run a hundred tests, that only gives us a one percent chance of saving these kids.

WILSON: Better than zero. You don't care if you get fired?

FOREMAN: [still circumventing the topic] I don't know, there's got to be a way to better our odds from ninety-nine percent chance of death.

WILSON: You gotta know.

FOREMAN: It's not food-borne, because no one else in the family is sick.

WILSON: Either you care about your job or you don't.

FOREMAN: Matty's the only one who drank from that water pump in the backyard, but we eliminated pseudomonas and cholera.

WILSON: If you care, you fight to keep it. If you don't, you quit. [finally getting back to Matty's case] I thought they lived in the suburbs.

FOREMAN: They do. Why?

WILSON: They've got a water pump?

[Foreman thinks about it.]

CUT TO:

[Nick's room. While Matty lies asleep in his room, A much-relaxed Nick tries to convince his parents to let him go, in order to save Matty.]

NICK: Please, I wanna do it.

CLAUDIA: [gently] No, Nicky. It's not your decision.

NICK: I'm dying. There's nothing that's gonna change that.

SCOTT: [barely keeping it together] Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey. Don't say that, okay? You can't give up.

NICK: It's time for me to go, dad. [beat] You gotta let me go.

SCOTT: [crying, pleading] No. Please, son.

[Tears stream down Claudia's cheeks. She sniffles.]

SCOTT: I can't. I can't. [fiercely] I can't!

NICK: [looking at his brother] I'll do it for Matty.

[Claudia starts sobbing.]

NICK: [choking] I'll do it for you guys... so you won't be alone.

[His parents can't take any more. They break down, sobbing inconsolably.]

CUT TO:

[Operating Room. Nick is wheeled into the OR. Cuddy looks at the consent form, while Scott and Claudia follow sullenly.]

CUDDY: Are you sure?

SCOTT: [sighing] No. But he is.

[They look at their eldest son. Foreman barges inside.]

FOREMAN: Get Nick back to the clean room!

CUDDY: The parents agreed to infect him.

FOREMAN: We figured out what's wrong with Matty.

[Cuddy waits for it.]

FOREMAN: Histoplasmosis.

SCOTT: W-what is that? I mean, why did it...?

FOREMAN: Fungal infection. Grows in chicken feces. The dirt that Matty used to build his pitcher's mound must have sat under a chicken coop. Your whole neighborhood was built on top of farmland. We didn't test for it earlier because we...

CLAUDIA: [interrupting with newfound hope] Can you fix him?

FOREMAN: Full course of amphotericin, and he should be fine.

[Scott squeezes Claudia's shoulder in renewed optimism. Claudia smiles for the first time in a long while.]

SCOTT: [still hopeful] And Nick? I mean, can you clean Matty's marrow, um, just like you were talking about doing it, but do it fast and-and get it into Nick?

[Foreman doesn't answer. He looks at Cuddy.]

CUDDY: I'm sorry. The reason Matty is so sick is because the infection is attacking his marrow. He doesn't have enough left to safely take from him and give to his brother.

[Their hopes crushed again, Claudia starts to weep. Foreman looks at Nick.]

CUT TO:

[Procedure room. Foreman checks up on Matty's meds.]

MATTY: [incredulous] I'm going to get better now? That's it?

FOREMAN: That's it.

MATTY: And what about Nick?

[Foreman looks at Matty. He removes his surgical mask.]

FOREMAN: Your brother was willing to risk his life to save you. Are you willing to do that for him?

[Matty nods, apprehensively.]

FOREMAN: I... can't sedate you. You're too sick.

[Matty nods again. Foreman hesitates only a fraction of a second, before turning around and hastily dragging a cart up to Matty's bed. Matty looks fearful. Foreman pulls out an aspirate needle and prepares to insert it into Matty's skin. Matty looks terrified now. His fear is only compounded by Foreman quickly strapping him to the bed, keeping him from moving. Foreman takes a decisive look at Matty and pushes the aspirate needle into Matty's thigh. Matty screams to high heaven as Foreman hurriedly starts to collect his bone marrow. Finished, Foreman pulls the needle out. He moves for another needle.]

MATTY: [beseeching] Please, please stop. [crying] Please, please. You're done, right?

FOREMAN: [not ready to stop now] Sorry. I need a lot more.

[Matty tries to break out of his restraints, but Foreman pushes him down and moves to insert the next needle.]

MATTY:No! Stop! [screaming] Stop!

[Foreman inserts it into Matty's side. Matty scream can be heard even as we...]

CUT TO:

[Aerial shot of PPTH. Evening.]

CUT TO:

[House's office. House is at his desk. Wilson enters.]

HOUSE: How much heat are you taking from the parents?

WILSON: They're calming down. I think it has something to do with both their kids being alive, awake, and eating. The marrow transplant took.

HOUSE: Welcome back, Foreman.

WILSON: You should talk to him.

HOUSE: Tell him how proud I am?

WILSON: Hey, if you're ashamed of him, you can tell him that.

HOUSE: Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees.

WILSON: How many hours a day do you have to spend with someone before they're basically family?

HOUSE: Good point. [gets up] But first, I gotta tell Cameron and Chase that they're violating God's will.

WILSON: I'm just asking you to have an adult conversation to let him know...

HOUSE: ... he did a good job? He knows it. Adults don't need adult conversations. Just like I don't need this conversation.

WILSON: [sighing] Have you killed Hector yet?

HOUSE: Obviously not.

[He looks past Wilson, near the door. Wilson turns to see Hector, lolling about on the floor, chewing something.]

WILSON: Oh. He's quiet. He's... [recognizes the new chewtoy] Is that my stethoscope?

[Sure enough, Hector is chewing hell out of Wilson's stethoscope.]

HOUSE: [sarcastically] Bad dog!

[Hector seems to take it seriously and whiningly puts his head on the floor.]

WILSON: Listen, Bonnie joined her home owners' association and staged a coup. Pets are now allowed. If you want to keep him, she wants a new puppy anyway. She'll understand.

HOUSE: Why would I want to keep him?

WILSON: You're sure?

[House gives him a "are-you-kidding?" look and picks up Hector's leash.]

WILSON: [turns to Hector] Come on, boy.

CUE MUSIC: ["Ain't No Reason" - Brett Dennen.]

[Hector stands up - on three paws. His right forepaw is held above ground, probably due to the door-slamming incident, if not others following that. House looks sheepish. Hector limps forward towards Wilson. Wilson looks back at House, more accusingly than questioningly.]

HOUSE: [shrugging] Accidents happen.

[He tosses the leash to Wilson. Wilson doesn't look mollified. He crouches and attaches the leash to Hector's collar. House advances from behind his desk.]

HOUSE: Candy?

[He tosses a small white pill (no prizes for guessing what it is!) towards the damaged dog, who immediately rears up and swallows it.]

HOUSE: Good boy.

[Wilson gets up and, with a pointed look at House, walks out.]

[PPTH hallway - Continuous. Hector limps slowly besides an expressionless Wilson. Behind them, House comes out of his office. Hector stops limping and turns his head to look at House. House looks back. Hector looks ahead and resumes limping. House throws up a Vicodin in the air and catches it in his mouth on the way down.]

HOUSE: [bites] Good boy.

[He limps away.]

CUT TO:

[Matty's room/Nick's room/PPTH Hallway. Matty and Nick (both walking) come to the glass partition between their room and "bump fists". Foreman watches them from the hallway. House limps up to him.]

HOUSE: [sighs] You did good.

FOREMAN: I did what you would have.

HOUSE: Well, maybe I'm biased, but--

FOREMAN: I tortured the kid.

HOUSE: Because you knew it was right. You knew you were saving his brother.

FOREMAN: [pensively] I know. I don't like that I know. I hate that I can listen to a kid screaming in pain and not even take a moment to question whether I'm doing the right thing. I hate that in order to be like you as a doctor, I have to be like you as a human being. I don't want to turn into you.

HOUSE: [smirks] You're not. You've been like me since you were eight years old.

FOREMAN: [turns to face him] You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks' notice.

[He walks away. Off House's expressionless look, we...]

FADE OUT.

Season 3 X 19 : Act Your Age

2007-04-17T14:28:00.000+08:00

Original Airdate: 4/17/2007
Written by: Sara Hess
Directed by: Daniel Sackheim
Transcript by: Coby

[In a day care centre, lots of kids doing various activities like painting, one kid has a very bloody nose and his teacher is futilely trying to stop the bleeding.]

JANIE: Jasper hold still. [Jasper continues to squirm.] Stop squirming.

[Jasper's Dad walks in.]

DERAN: What did he do now?

JANIE: He got in another fight and I can't get his nose to stop bleeding.

DERAN: You have to apply much more pressure than that. [Deran takes over. Jasper starts coughing.] [To Jasper.] You had to do this today. I got office hours, supposed to have dinner with the Dean, you just can't lash out whenever you get angry.

JASPER: He said I smelt like a monkey.

DERAN: Well you do, you can't refuse to take a bath and then hit kids who tell you that you smell. [Blood is still pouring from Jaspers nose.] Damn. [Grabs more tissues.]

JANIE: Don't you think we should call 911?

DERAN: No this isn't his first nosebleed. He'll be fine.

[Little girl comes running over.]

LUCY: Daddy!

DERAN: Hey Lucy-Goosy.

LUCY: I'm playing doctor.

DERAN: So am I. Can you go back and play?

[Lucy leaves. Deran turns his attention back on the bloody nose and squeezes harder.]

JASPER: Ow.

DERAN: [To Janie.] When was this fight?

JANIE: Over 10 minutes ago.

[Deran looks worried, nose is still bleeding.]

JASPER: I feel dizzy.

DERAN: [To Janie.] Maybe you should make that call.

JANIE: OK. [Goes to get a phone.]

[Lucy comes back, still playing doctor.]

LUCY: Daddy, look. I can help.

DERAN: No, that's great honey can you just please leave Daddy alone!

[Lucy walks away. Janie comes back.]

JANIE: They're sending an ambulance.

[Deran takes the tissue away from Jasper's nose, it appears to have finally stopped bleeding. Deran looks relieved.]

DERAN: Call them back. He'll be fine. [To Jasper.] How you feeling bud? You light headed?

JASPER: Lucy.

[Deran looks around to see Lucy lying flat on her back on the floor breathing very heavily. A bunch of kids rush over to her.]

DERAN: Oh god. [Runs over to Lucy.] Lucy? Are you OK? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy, are you OK? Lucy? Lucy?

[Opening credits]

[Diagnostics Office. Evening. Ducklings are getting ready to leave. Cuddy walks past, looks into the Diagnostics office then continues on to enter House's office. House, who also looks ready to leave, sees her coming.]

HOUSE: [Quietly to himself] Oh for god's sakes. [Cuddy walks through the door] Stop! Don't move. The way the soft evening light catches your eyes. [Cuddy smiles] The gentle caress of the dusk on her hair as you turn around and leave my office without giving me that file.

CUDDY: [Comes in anyway.] Restrictive pericarditis.

HOUSE: Boring.

CUDDY: She's in Kindergarten.

HOUSE: Less boring, or grandma's been held back a few years.

CUDDY: It's calcified and she's hypertensive.

HOUSE: Then get her into surgery.

CUDDY: She already is in surgery.

HOUSE: Tricky procedure, it's going to take all night. [House takes the file and throws it on his desk.] Sleep tight. [Starts to leave.]

CUDDY: [Picks up the file and follows House.] No congenital defects, no health problems, but her heart is strangling itself.

HOUSE: Fascinating, but since the pathology on the pericardium won't be back until after they remove it. [Cuddy gets in front of House and stops him moving by putting the file on his chest. House sighs and takes the file.]

CUDDY: Get started on her blood, you can test for viral infections, bacteria... [House opens the door to the diagnostics office in Cuddy' face. Throws the file on the table.]

HOUSE: [To the ducklings.] Round up the usual suspects. Amyloidosis, sarcoidosis, hemochromatosis... Heck, go wild, do all the osis's. [Ducklings don't look too pleased to be staying back.] [To Cuddy.] All taken care of, sleep tight. [Leaves.]

[Cut to a visual of Lucy's surgery. Ducklings are watching from the observation deck.]

FOREMAN: This thing is already all around her heart, if it gets into the muscle she's dead.

CHASE: Best bet's Coxsackie virus, Parvovirus B19, CMV...

CAMERON: Bacterial infection is more likely to turn constrictive it could be TB.

CHASE: Right. Forgot about the part where she did time in Russian goulo. Her hematocrits elevated.

CAMERON: Few extra blood cells means nothing she's probably just dehydrated.

CHASE: Yes and I could assume 3 or 4 things to fit my theory too.

CAMERON: She's sick, she obviously hasn't been drinking enough...

FOREMAN: Enough! [Chase and Cameron stop and look at Foreman.] I take it you two aren't sleeping together anymore? We do what House said. We test for everything.

CHASE: Good. [Hands Cameron the file.] Then I can go home. [Starts to leave.]

CAMERON: Since when does we not include you?

CHASE: Well House is going to call us all idiots anyway. Might as well be a well-rested idiot. [Leaves.]

[Cut to House in diagnostics office talking to a very tired looking Cameron and Foreman.]

HOUSE: You guys are idiots.

CAMERON: Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do?

HOUSE: No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to do and have nothing to show for it.

FOREMAN: We eliminated dozens of wrong answers.

HOUSE: I asked you what 2 + 2 equals and a day later you tell me not 25.

[Chase walks in looking well rested]

CHASE: The pathology report just got filed. Found granulomas in Lucy's pericardium. [Hands House the report.] Could be a case of fungal infection.

HOUSE: Nice work.

CAMERON: He went home!

HOUSE: Work smart, not hard. [Chase smiles at Cameron.] Find out which fungus, biopsy a lymph node. Take employee of the month with you.

CAMERON: I would rather Foreman...

HOUSE: I know. [Walks into his office.]

[Cameron and Chase glare at each other.]

[Aerial of PPTH, Morning.]

[Cut to Chase in Lucy's room doing the biopsy.]

LUCY: I don't want any more shots.

JASPER: [Imitating Lucy while playing his PSP.] I don't want any more shots.

DERAN: Jasper. [To Lucy.] Look at me goosy, squeeze my hand, ok? [Lucy nods.]

CHASE: This will tell us why you are sick so we can make you all better.

DERAN: [To Cameron.] Where would she pick up a fungus?

CAMERON: Anywhere moist. Around a pool, locker room, public shower...

DERAN: She doesn't have any gym or swim classes, she doesn't even like to play with kids outside.

CAMERON: You haven't taken any trips, gone anywhere new?

DERAN: It's been hard to get away, since their Mum...

JASPER: Our Mum's dead.

CAMERON: I'm sorry.

DERAN: Last year, brain cancer.

[Chase grabs the biopsy needle.]

JASPER: You're going to stick that thing in her arm? Cool!

CAMERON: The cool part is, your sister won't feel a thing.

[Chase starts the biopsy. Jasper's attention suddenly turns to Cameron.]

JASPER: Nice necklace.

CAMERON: Thanks.

JASPER: You like video games?

CAMERON: Love them.

[Jasper smiles, Chase finishes the biopsy]

CHASE: That should do it. You OK?

LUCY: I want my bunny.

[Cameron grabs the bunny and holds it out to Lucy, Lucy tries to grab it but misses. Then tries again and misses again.]

DERAN: Are you being silly?

LUCY: I Didn't know which one to take.

[Camera shows us Lucy's point of view, she has double vision.]

[Camera goes back to normal]

DERAN: [Looking worried.] What do you mean? [To Cameron and Chase.] What's happening?

[Lucy looks scared.]

[Cut to House and Ducklings in Diagnostics Office]

HOUSE: So, what does the double vision tell us?

CAMERON: Slit lamp revealed the eyes anterior chamber is swollen, uveitis, means it's not a post op effect and it's not neurological.

CHASE: It's not fungal either, lymph node biopsy was clean.

HOUSE: So we're back to square one.

FOREMAN: One and a half. We've eliminated two more conditions.

HOUSE: Yes, 2+2 doesn't equal 12 or 16 either.

FOREMAN: Vision issues plus screwy heart equals some type of autoimmune. Lupus and Kawasakis are the most common in a 6 year old.

CHASE: [Scoffs] Yeah, tough to find a 6 year old who doesn't have Lupus or Kawasakis.

HOUSE: Did you look at her knees?

[Ducklings look confused]

HOUSE: Those knobby things in the middle of her legs, any scars or scabs?

FOREMAN: What does that have to do with...

HOUSE: Well most 6 year olds hurt themselves, a lot. Crash their bikes, climb trees, bungee jump.

DERAN: Dad said she doesn't like to run around outside.

HOUSE: Because running around outside hurts.

CAMERON: She didn't mention anything about...

HOUSE: Most 6 year olds are not familiar with the phrase 'my joints feel inflamed'. So, 2+2 equals?

[Cut to House and Wilson walking through the clinic doors.]

HOUSE: Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. We're checking her ANA to confirm and giving her steroids to fix her vision. Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life, apparently worth 186 dollars. [House walks into exam room one, revealing a guy sitting on the table] [To the patient] Sorry, had to take a leak.

WILSON: Oh I didn't know you were seeing a patient.

HOUSE: It's an exam room, what did you think I was doing?

WILSON: What you usually do - hiding from Cuddy.

HOUSE: Well it'd be stupid to do it in here, there's a patient in here. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] [To the patient.] You been drinking more?

PATIENT: Ah no, I, I....

HOUSE: [To Wilson who is still standing in the doorway] Guy's peeing all the time. Play. Interested?

WILSON: Sure, want me to pick you up?

HOUSE: I'm not going.

WILSON: You said two tickets.

HOUSE: You thought this was a date? [Turns back to the patient.] Any other symptoms?

PATIENT: My stomach hurts, I have back pain and muscle aches, I feel dizzy [House pulls out the tickets and looks at them.] and I have trouble concentrating sometimes in class.

WILSON: I really shouldn't...

HOUSE: [Shows Wilson the tickets.] You want the tickets or not?

WILSON: [Hesitating.] Why don't you want to go with me?

HOUSE: It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.

WILSON: So why are you giving them to me?

HOUSE: Maybe there's someone you want to see naked?

WILSON: [Looks at what the play is.] All right. [Takes the tickets and leaves.]

HOUSE: [Turns back to the patient.] Any fever?

PATIENT: No.

HOUSE: Anything in your pee other than pee?

PATIENT: No.

HOUSE: I'm going to need a urine sample.

PATIENT: No!

HOUSE: Yeah that last one wasn't a question. You might have diabetes...

PATIENT: I can't pee in public.

HOUSE: We have bathrooms.

PATIENT: I can't pee in public bathrooms.

HOUSE: Where can you pee?

PATIENT: I only live a few miles from here.

[Cut to Foreman talking to Deran in Lucy's room while she's asleep]

DERAN: I though arthritis was for old people.

FOREMAN: JRA is an autoimmune disease. Her body is attacking itself, causing inflammation in the joints, eyes and her heart.

DERAN: Is it treatable?

FOREMAN: It can be crippling but it can also go into complete remission, the good thing is we caught it early. It gives her the best chance to have a positive outcome.

[Lucy sits up in bed and tries to say Daddy but quite cant get it out.]

DERAN: Don't get up goosy, your stiches. [Runs over to get her to lie down again.]

[Lucy tries to say something else but again fails]

[Foreman runs over and looks in her eyes, Camera zooms in, goes through her eye and we see some sort of blood vessel shrivelling up and turning black. Camera comes back out to Foreman]

FOREMAN: [To Deran.] She's having a stroke.

[Cut to House, Foreman and Chase in Diagnostics Office again.]

FOREMAN: The stroke was caused by a clot in her middle cerebral artery, started her on TPA, should dissolve the clot and hopefully prevent brain damage, but we wont know for sure until she regains consciousness.

HOUSE: Or she has another stroke. Arthritis, heart disease, why can't this kid act her age?

FOREMAN: JRA doesn't affect the blood, means the clots a symptom of something else. [Cameron walks in.]

CAMERON: It's a symptom of polycythemia, she's fully hydrated and her blood's still thicker than pancake batter.

HOUSE: Well thick blood explains the stroke, could also have caused an autoimmune response, which would explain the JRA kicking into gear but what explains the thick blood?

FOREMAN: Lack of oxygen, forces the body to over produce red cells.

HOUSE: What explains the lack of oxygen?

CHASE: Carbon monoxide fumes, cigarette smoke.

CAMERON: Doubt our patient's a smoker.

CHASE: Dad could be.

CAMERON: He's not.

CHASE: [Scoffs.] He says he's not.

HOUSE: Hey! Don't make me turn the hose on you two. Chase is right. You two go check the house, see if Dad's a closet Marlboro man.

CAMERON: You're intentionally punishing us.

HOUSE: By making you do your job? Does seem kind of cruel doesn't it? Take along a carbon monoxide detector to check for leaks and you [points to Foreman] start her on hydroxyurea to control her red blood cell production, take out a mark manual, medieval edition, tell you how to drain a pint or two so she doesn't clot again.

[Cut to Chase and Cameron exiting the elevator, they walk towards the exit in awkward silence until Jasper runs up behind them.]

JASPER: Dr. Cameron! [Cameron and Chase both turn around, Jasper is holding a big bunch of flowers.] I got you flowers, for helping my sister.

CAMERON: [Taking the flowers.] That's so sweet. [Jasper smiles.]

CHASE: Does your dad know you're down here?

JASPER: Yes.

CHASE: [Pulls the card out of the flowers and reads it out.] Congratulations on your bundle of joy. [To Cameron.] Something you forgot to tell me? [Puts the card back.]

CAMERON: [To Jasper.] You should take these back to where you found them.

JASPER: Okay. [Takes the flowers.]

CHASE: [To a security guard.] Excuse me? Can you make sure these flowers and this kid both get back to where they belong?

SECURITY GUARD: Sure.

CHASE: Thanks.

SECURITY GUARD: [To Jasper.] Lets go, c'mon. [Leads Jasper towards the elevators, Chase starts to leave but Cameron doesn't.]

CAMERON: Wait. [Chase watches as she walks over to Jasper, takes a flower out of the bunch and kisses Jasper on the cheek, Jasper smiles broadly before looking at Chase, Cameron then walks off towards the exit smiling and smelling the flower as she passes Chase. Chase sighs then turns and follows.]

[Cut to Foreman sticking a needle into Lucy's arm to drain some blood.]

DERAN: So you're just draining blood from her? You're not testing it, you're not fixing it?

FOREMAN: Your daughters vascular system is engorged with blood, draining some reduces the chances of another stroke. We're also starting her on a drug that suppresses the production of red cells so we don't have to keep doing this, good chance she'll make a full recovery.

DERAN: She hasn't spoken yet.

FOREMAN: Give her time.

[Jasper enters the room followed by the security guard.]

SECURITY GUARD: This your boy?

DERAN: [To Jasper.] Where have you been?

JASPER: Exploring. [To the security guard.] Seeya.

[Security Guard nods to Deran.]

DERAN: Thank you. [Security guard leaves.] [To Jasper.] You know you just can't run off without telling me.

JASPER: Ok. Can I have two dollars?

[Deran shakes his head.]

[Cut to Cameron and Chase in Lucy's home searching for toxins. Cameron looks in the oven.]

CHASE: Oven's a long shot. You'd smell the gas long before anyone got sick.

CAMERON: Yeah right, House loves it when we skip something because it's a long shot. [Closes the oven and checks the stove.]

CHASE: Why did you take the flower? Why'd you kiss him?

CAMERON: He did something sweet.

CHASE: He STOLE flowers!

CAMERON: He's eight.

CHASE: You're trying to make me jealous.

CAMERON: [Sarcastic.] Yeah, I want you to profess your love for me. Oh wait, you already did that and it caused me to end our relationship. [Glares at Chase.]

CHASE: You're enabling a thief. [Cameron walks into another room.] And a delinquent! [Holding a file of papers follows Cameron.] Letters from school, fights, detentions, a parent conference, oh I know, I know, bad boys are hard to resist.

CAMERON: It's a crush, it's harmless.

CHASE: It's never harmless.

CAMERON: So I'm learning.

CHASE: [Sighs.] So this is us now? We snipe at each other?

CAMERON: I'm not sniping I'm looking for a vent, her room's directly above the garage there's all sorts of CO sources down there. [Crawls under the bed.] I found a vent, I think there's something in it.

CHASE: [Joining Cameron under the bed.] This isn't right. You dumped me you don't get to be mad.

CAMERON: We had a really good thing, you broke the rules, I'm angry. I'll get over it.

[Chase opens the vent and pulls out a pink bloody t-shirt.]

[Cut to Ducklings in House's office.]

CAMERON: She's being abused.

FOREMAN: A bloody t-shirt doesn't equal abuse, kids get hurt all the time.

CHASE: That amount of blood?

FOREMAN: [Looking from Chase to Cameron] Oh crap. You two are agreeing again.

CAMERON: Father's overwhelmed, hectic job, his wife passed away last year, he could easily be taking it out on the kids.

FOREMAN: Or she had a nosebleed and grabbed a t-shirt.

CHASE: She's so ashamed of a nosebleed she has to hide the evidence in a vent under her bed?

CAMERON: She's socially isolated, the brother's always in trouble its classic signs...

FOREMAN: But no physical signs. No marks on her body, no bruises at all.

CAMERON: [Turns to House.] What if it's sexual? We should call social services.

HOUSE: Well this sucks. Either it's abuse or it's not abuse. Which means either it's a symptom or it's completely irrelevant. Either way we have to waste half a day figuring out which. Full physical exam. Look for bruises we may have missed, check her mouth and do a vaginal exam.

CHASE: We can't do a vaginal exam on a 6 year old without the Dad's consent and if he's abusing her he'll never say yes.

HOUSE: Never is just reven spelt backwards. [Hands the t-shirt to Foreman and leaves.]

[Cut to Foreman questioning Deran.]

FOREMAN: Have you been abusing your daughter?

DERAN: What? Why would you...

FOREMAN: We found this. [Shows him the bloody t-shirt.] Hidden in a vent under her bed.

DERAN: I don't know anything about this. Maybe she had a bloody nose?

FOREMAN: We need to examine her for abuse.

DERAN: You can't really think that I...

FOREMAN: Maybe you, maybe the school bully, maybe the creepy neighbour. I'm guessing that you're not paying as much attention as you should be. Do you even know where your son is right now?

DERAN: Yeah he was here just... [Starts to look around.] A minute ago. [Turns back to Foreman.] She isn't being abused.

FOREMAN: Unfortunately that answer doesn't help me. If you have abused her you're obviously going to lie.

DERAN: I'm not lying!

FOREMAN: We need to do a vaginal exam.

DERAN: No. She may be dying, she still can't talk and you're going to waste your time with THIS?

FOREMAN: You consent and we waste a few hours doing an exam or you refuse and I call social services, and they waste three days doing an investigation, which ends with them doing the exam anyway.

[Deran signs the form.]

[Cut to Cameron closing the curtain to Lucy's room. She starts to perform the exam.]

CAMERON: Ok I'm going to look inside your mouth, open wide. [Lucy does so.] Ok I'm going to look at your chest and your back next ok? [Cameron lifts Lucy up and checks her back.] I know you can't talk so stop me if you get scared. [Lies her back down turns her on her side and checks her chest and then her knees.] Before you came here did anyone hurt you? Make you bleed? [Lucy shakes her head.] I need to look in your vagina now, do you understand? I'm a doctor so it's ok, all right? Bend your knees, keep your ankles together and just let your knees fall to the side ok? [Cameron looks at her vagina and then looks shocked.] Oh my god.

[Cut to ducklings entering the corridor through some doors. Cue walk and talk.]

CAMERON: She has cuts all over her genital area, like slices, some are almost healed but some are new.

CHASE: She could be doing it to herself.

FOREMAN: She's a little young to be cutting.

CHASE: She's a little young for a stroke. Depression accounts for the cuts, molestation accounts for the depression.

FOREMAN: But do the cuts account for all that blood?

CAMERON: They weren't deep enough.

CHASE: So she's getting cut but that's not the source of the blood?

FOREMAN: The other obvious source is forcible penetration.

CHASE: The other obvious source of the blood but not the cuts.

CAMERON: And there was no tearing, there's no evidence at all.

CHASE: So we have no explanation for the cuts or the blood. [They reach House's office but he isn't there.] Where is he?

FOREMAN: What if our original assumption was wrong?

CAMERON: Meaning what?

FOREMAN: We found a t-shirt covered with blood hidden in a heating vent. How do we know it's even hers?

CHASE: Her Dad identified it.

FOREMAN: Not the shirt. The blood.

[Cut to House with the clinic patient from before. House is looking in a file.]

PATIENT: Are those the urine test results?

HOUSE: Yes.

PATIENT: And...

HOUSE: I'm going to ask you for some blood.

PATIENT: Why?

HOUSE: To see if your answer will be ' I can't bleed in public'. This wasn't your urine was it?

PATIENT: Why would I give you someone else's urine?

HOUSE: Usual reason is because you're on steroids.

PATIENT: I'm not an athlete.

HOUSE: Duh. The second favourite reason is because you're on drugs.

PATIENT: I'm not.

HOUSE: I am. Third favourite reason is because you have insurance but your friend Eggs Benedict doesn't. So Eggs describes a list of symptoms and you repeat them to a doctor. Which is particularly stupid because this is a free clinic.

[Cuddy opens the door]

CUDDY: Need you, now. [Leaves.]

HOUSE: My work here is done. [Starts to leave.]

PATIENT: Am, I, ok? Is it diabetes?

HOUSE: No, you're pregnant.

[House closes the door leaving him sitting there shocked, then walks over to Cuddy.]

CUDDY: 6-year-old abuse victim and you haven't called social services?

HOUSE: She might have been abused that's horrifying. Why are you wearing extra concealer under your eyes?

CUDDY: The law's clear, you suspect abuse you call the authorities, you don't proceed as usual while the possible abuser sits by her bedside.

HOUSE: Dad consented to the exam, which means it's not the Dad. How late were you out last night?

CUDDY: It's always the Dad and I don't have a curfew.

HOUSE: [Loudly.] Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?

CUDDY: I went to a play, [House is shocked.] House you are going back to your office, you are picking up your phone, calling social services and you are reporting suspected abuse, do you understand?

HOUSE: What play?

[Cut to Wilson eating a sandwich in the cafeteria. House walks in and sits down at his table.]

HOUSE: You're trying to have sex with Cuddy.

WILSON: [Looks at House.] Fries?

HOUSE: You took her to a play, you only take women to plays because...

WILSON: No, YOU only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory.

HOUSE: Ok, then why did you take her to a play?

WILSON: She's a friend.

HOUSE: A friend with a squish mitten.

WILSON: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...

HOUSE: Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex she's a different species. [Takes a fry.] She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head after she's done.

WILSON: Yes, I slept with her.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously?

WILSON: No.

HOUSE: [Not convinced.] Yes you did.

WILSON: [Quietly.] Yes I did.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously?

WILSON: No. You've got a problem House.

[Foreman walks over to the table.]

FOREMAN: We just tested the blood on Lucy's t-shirt, it's full of endometrial cells.

HOUSE: It's not her blood.

FOREMAN: We tested that too, it is.

WILSON: Your 6-year-old patient?

FOREMAN: It's menstrual blood, she's started puberty.

[Cut to Cameron checking Lucy's stiches.]

DERAN: How can someone start puberty before they even start the first grade? She was in diapers two years ago.

CAMERON: For some reason her body has too much sex hormone, caused her reproductive system to get confused, start operating prematurely. We need to find out the source of the hormones and cut it off.

DERAN: She's so young. I haven't even talked to her about sex, I doubt she even knows what a period is... Girls talk to their Mums about that. [Walks over and kneels beside Lucy's bed and strokes her face.] You're going to be OK goosy. I love you.

LUCY: I... want... juice.

[Deran is shocked, Cameron smiles.]

[Cut to Ducklings in diagnostics office with House.]

CAMERON: She got her period and didn't know what it was, she was scared and confused, a friend told her to put a t-shirt in her underwear. When she started growing pubic hair she snuck Daddy's razor and tried to shave it off.

HOUSE: Apparently forgot to sneak the shaving cream.

FOREMAN: A tumour's most likely, a pituitary adenoma would send her hormone levels sky high.

CAMERON: In Puerto Rico in the 70's there was an epidemic of kids growing breasts because of estrogen in the poultry.

CHASE: If it was in the food it would be an epidemic. We've got one kid.

CAMERON: She's 6, she's tiny, she lives on chicken fingers and milk, Dad doesn't look like the type to read labels, he's probably buying stuff packed full of hormones.

HOUSE: Excellent argument. [To Foreman] It's a tumour.

CAMERON: There's all sorts of environmental sources. Pesticides, soy products, some shampoos are basically a placenta in a bottle.

HOUSE: If the tumour's not in her brain it's in her reproductive tract. Get an MRI. [Gets up.]

CAMERON: Can I at least...

HOUSE: Waste your time? Wouldn't recognise you if you didn't.

[Cut to Lucy in MRI. Foreman and Chase are watching the results.]

FOREMAN: Frontal cortex is clean. Moving caudally.

CHASE: For the record Cameron's the one who broke it off.

FOREMAN: Not interested. No masses in the hypothalamus.

CHASE: I wanted more. She didn't share my feelings.

FOREMAN: I feel like I'm in a similar position.

CHASE: Pituitary's clean.

FOREMAN: You're an idiot. Either she's lying or she's actually emotionally detached, which one sounds more like Cameron to you?

CHASE: Neither.

FOREMAN: You have to choose one. There's a bright spot on her left ovary. Looks like a solid tumour.

[Cut to House reading a magazine in the gift shop.]

HOUSE: They printed my letter. [Pays for the magazine and starts to walk off, Wilson runs up behind him.]

WILSON: You were right.

HOUSE: Of course I was, what are we talking about. [Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter.

WILSON: Great. Cuddy.

HOUSE: You want to see her naked. [They walk over to the doors to the Clinic.]

WILSON: No no no, she wants to see ME naked. She sent me flowers.

HOUSE: Just thanking you for the play. You see some people fell an emotion called gratitude.

WILSON: There's a card.

HOUSE: I suspected, explains how you knew who they were from.

WILSON: [Pulls out the card and shows House.] Lets do it again. Soon. X X. Lisa. X's are the kisses right?

HOUSE: No... I think they're the hugs. I think O's are the kisses.

WILSON: No, no, X's are definitely the kisses. Soon is its own sentence. [Sees Cuddy in the clinic.] I got to go. [Walks off quickly.]

HOUSE: I'll miss you. You were a good friend. [House walks into the clinic towards Cuddy. Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter. How was the play Mrs Lincoln?

CUDDY: What's up with Wilson?

HOUSE: He's just a little freaked.

CUDDY: Why?

HOUSE: I sent him flowers. [Smiles. Cuddy looks confused.]

[Cut to Cameron leaving the elevator walking towards the Diagnostics Office carrying two big plastic bags full of stuff to test. She sees Jasper on his way over to her.]

CAMERON: Jasper you're not supposed to be up here.

JASPER: Is that other doctor your boyfriend?

CAMERON: No. Your Dad's probably looking for you, he's got enough to worry about right now.

JASPER: Do you like him?

CAMERON: He's a friend.

JASPER: Do you LIKE him like him?

CAMERON: We should get you back to your Dad let me put this down and I'll take you there. [She opens the door to the diagnostics office and puts the bags down while Jasper stares at her ass. She turns around and catches him.]

JASPER: I could be your boyfriend.

CAMERON: [Shocked.] I ... think that wouldn't be fair to the girls your own age.

JASPER: He seems like a tool.

CAMERON: He's not. And that's rude. I'm taking you back to your father. [Puts her arm around his shoulder and leads him towards the elevator. Jasper grabs her ass. She jumps away shocked. Jasper grins.]

[Cut to Chase and Foreman doing a biopsy on Lucy.]

FOREMAN: [Looking at the screen.] The mass is small. About a centimetre across.

CHASE: Firing the biopsy needle.

[Monitors start beeping.]

FOREMAN: You nick an artery?

CHASE: No.

FOREMAN: She's in VTAC, no pulse. [Grabs the paddles.] Charging 50! Clear! [Shocks Lucy.] Clear! [Shocks again.] Clear! [Shocks a third time. This time it works, he feels for a pulse.]

[Cut to Ducklings in Lab.]

CHASE: The arrhythmia must've been a reaction to the hydroxyurea, we have to stop the drug therapy.

CAMERON: The bone marrow will just go back to over producing blood cells, she'll keep having strokes and we'll have to keep bleeding her, forever.

CHASE: You resect the tumour, hormones levels go back to normal and her symptoms go away.

FOREMAN: [Looks up from the microscope.] Great plan. Except the fact that her tumour's not a tumour. It's a benign cist.

CAMERON: [Looks in the microscope.] If it's not a tumour that just leaves an environmental source. [They look over at the pile of stuff Cameron collected to test.]

FOREMAN: I'm feeling another late night... I'm going to leave you two alone. [Starts to leave.]

CAMERON: You're kidding me right?

FOREMAN: What? The answer's right there it's just a question of finding it, you don't need me for that. [Leaves.]

[Aerial of PPTH, Night.]

[Cut to Chase putting coins into the coffee machine, Cameron walks over.]

CAMERON: Don't get the mocha chino, somebody screwed up and put hot chocolate in the dispenser.

CHASE: Thank you.

CAMERON: You were right. An eight-year-old kid grabbed my ass. I shouldn't have encouraged him.

CHASE: [Laughs.] Well, I was a boy once I know how they think.

CAMERON: You were a pervert at 8?

CHASE: Maybe... 11. [Laughs.]

CAMERON: I didn't realise you were going to get hurt. I'm sorry I misled you.

CHASE: You didn't. You have feelings for me. You come back to me again and again.

CAMERON: For sex. It's a simple, physical...

CHASE: C'mon, you have feelings for puppies and patients that you barely know but when it comes to a guy that you've worked with for 3 years? [Takes her hand.] Had sex with, spent the night with, you're telling me you feel nothing? Absolutely nothing?

JASPER: [Running towards Chase, shouting.] Get away from her! Don't touch her! I'll kill you if you touch her. [Tackles Chase to the ground.]

CAMERON: Jasper!

CHASE: Get him off! [Cameron starts trying to pull Jasper off, Jasper bites Chase's arm and growls.] AHH! He's biting me! Get him off! AHH! [Cameron pulls him away, Chase looks at the big bite mark on his arm that is bleeding.]

[Cut to House watching the wrestling on TV at home.]

[Phone rings.]

HOUSE: [Answers.] Somebody better be dying.

[Cameron is bandaging Chase's arm in an exam room, the phone is on speaker.]

CAMERON: Lucy's big brother's got a crush on me so he bit the crap out of Chase.

HOUSE: And I care because?

CHASE: Just thought you might want to know when one of your employees gets attacked by a sociopath.

HOUSE: Bees or monkeys yes, sociopaths no.

[House hangs up. Continues watching the wrestling. Suddenly he has an epiphany. He rings Cameron and Chase back.]

CAMERON: Hello?

HOUSE: He's not a sociopath.

CAMERON: How do you know?

HOUSE: He's acting logically. He's got a crush on you, he's being aggressive about it. Not just regular aggressive. He's out of his mind on hormones aggressive.

CHASE: You think he's...

HOUSE: Better figure out what's killing the girl cause her brother's got it too.

[Shot of Jasper getting an MRI.]

[Cut to Ducklings and House in Diagnostics office.]

CHASE: Jasper's got 100 times more testosterone than a healthy 8 year old but we scanned his brain and reproductive tract, no hormone secreting tumours.

FOREMAN: Not surprised. What's more likely? Brother and sister get the same type of tumour at exactly the same time or they both play in the same toxic sandbox?

CAMERON: Yes you would think that if for some reason you were completely unaware of the fact that we spent the entire night testing everything from that home, it was all negative.

HOUSE: [To Foreman] You went home? [Foreman nods. House is pleased.] Good for you. Delegate.

CAMERON: We're not his subordinates.

HOUSE: Making it all the more impressive.

CHASE: What if it's genetic? [Everyone looks at him.] What, anyone else think it's more than a coincidence these kids have symptoms that could be caused by a brain tumour which is exactly what killed their Mum?

FOREMAN: You just said there were no tumours. We scanned both their brains.

CHASE: They looked clean, so did their Mum's until it didn't.

CAMERON: It can't be genetic. Mum had none of the same symptoms.

CHASE: Yes she did, if the symptoms were pubic hair and menstruation.

CAMERON: [Turns to House.] That's ridiculous, if menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.

HOUSE: That's ridiculous, you're way too skinny to be menstruating.

CHASE: What if the Mum had other problems? Symptoms her doctors ignored on account of the fact she was already dying.

[Everyone looks at House.]

HOUSE: Pull all of her medical records, find any similarities to our patients, and punch the little brat on the nose so he doesn't have a stroke like his sister. [Walks off towards his office.]

[Cut to Foreman draining blood out of Jasper.]

JASPER: I'm not sick.

FOREMAN: Just trying to keep you that way.

JASPER: I want Dr. Cameron to do mine.

FOREMAN: [Laughs.] Trust me, you don't want her cutting you right now. [Finishes what he's doing walks over to where Deran is standing.]

DERAN: So Jasper's behavioural issues?

FOREMAN: Could be a function of the increased testosterone, hopefully, he'll be a delight, as soon as we figure this out.

LUCY: [From the next room.] My tummy hurts, it hurts! [Foreman and Deran both walk over to see what's wrong.]

JASPER: No it doesn't. Don't be such a baby.

LUCY: My tummy hurts!

FOREMAN: Where on your tummy?

LUCY: [Starts yelling.] It hurts! It hurts! [Screams.]

[Cut to Foreman showing House Lucy's scans in radiology. Chase and Foreman are sitting at the table going through her Mum's records.]

FOREMAN: Stomach pain is from a cyst in her pancreas. Found two more in her kidneys and one in her lung. They weren't there 48 hours ago. The hormones are making her body go haywire.

HOUSE: If she gets one in her brain or heart she's dead. [Turns to Cameron and Chase.] No pressure though.

CHASE: Mum was perfectly healthy until she got cancer. She had none of the symptoms the kids have.

CAMERON: It's not genetic, it's not environmental, it's got to be a pituitary adenoma.

HOUSE: Yes, that would make complete sense if they had one.

CAMERON: Just because we haven't found anything on the scan doesn't mean it's not there. We should remove her pituitary gland.

HOUSE: Two siblings, same condition, its got to be genetic or environmental, we add in the same time and we're back to just environmental.

CHASE: Yes and that would make complete sense if there was anything in her environment.

HOUSE: Just because we haven't found anything yet.

FOREMAN: She's been out of her environment for 4 days and she's still getting worse.

[They all look at each other for a couple seconds.]

CAMERON: I'm getting the father's consent. [Starts to leave.]

HOUSE: No! [Cameron stops.] We have no evidence.

CAMERON: This is YOUR process House. You asked us what 2 + 2 is, we've eliminated every number except for 4. She needs brain surgery. [Leaves.]

[Cut to Cameron getting the consent off Deran.]

CAMERON: The ovaries produce sex hormones in response to a signal from the pituitary gland. Since we know the ovaries are fine the most likely cause...

HOUSE: [Interrupting.] Most likely means she wants to root around inside your little girl's brain without any guarantee that it will work, that's why she's holding off on doing your son.

CAMERON: Dr. House knows that unfortunately we've ruled out every other option. We need to resect Lucy's pituitary before...

HOUSE: Who else visits these kids?

CAMERON: They don't have any family in town.

HOUSE: You got a girlfriend?

DERAN: No one visits.

HOUSE: School?

CAMERON: They don't go to the same school, House I...

HOUSE: Nanny?

CAMERON: They don't have one.

DERAN: They go to an after school day care but none of the other kids are sick.

HOUSE: Yet. It took your son twice as long to develop symptoms as your daughter, maybe the other kids are just slow.

CAMERON: We wait and your daughter may die.

HOUSE: She does this and your daughter will need hormone replacement therapy for the rest of her life.

CAMERON: The treatments are extremely effective, she should lead a relatively normal life.

HOUSE: And isn't that every parents dream, to have a kid grow up to be relatively normal.

CAMERON: My husband died of thyroid cancer that metastasised to his brain. I've been there. I know how terrifying this can be. I am telling you this is your best chance to save your daughters life.

HOUSE: [In Cameron's ear.] You did NOT just play the dead husband card. [To Deran.] My wife died because she signed a consent form that I didn't want her to sign. Died.

[Deran signs the form, gives it to Cameron.]

CAMERON: Thank you. [Leaves.]

[Deran walks off in the other direction.]

HOUSE: How did you know?

DERAN: [Stops and turns around.] Know what?

HOUSE: That the other kids weren't sick, you've been here for 4 days.

DERAN: I just... I would've heard. [Leaves.]

HOUSE: Right...

[Cut to the Day Care Centre. A big blue ball rolls away from a little girl who runs after it, just when she goes to pick it up House sticks his foot on it, she looks up at him.]

HOUSE: [Smiles.] Do you have hair on your special place?

LITTLE GIRL: Miss Janie! [Runs off.]

[Janie walks over to House.]

JANIE: Can I help you?

HOUSE: I'm a doctor, two of your kids are sick and I need to know why.

JANIE: You think they got sick here?

HOUSE: I think you're dating their Dad.

JANIE: He told you?

HOUSE: No, but I don't really care why he didn't I just need to know how often you go to their house and what you bring.

JANIE: I don't.

HOUSE: Shampoos, fancy soaps, kids get in your bag?

JANIE: I've never been to their house. They just lost their Mum, and we thought it was too soon. [House stares at her rash just above her lip.] Why are you staring at me?

HOUSE: Lip wax?

JANIE: I just had it done over lunch.

HOUSE: [Grabs her hand.] Mani-pedi?

JANIE: [Pulls her hand back.] No, just the wax.

HOUSE: Women get a wax as part of a whole self-indulgent beauty ritual, pedicure, steam, cucumber masks. No one runs out at lunch just to get a lip wax, unless you woke up looking like Yosemite Sam.

JANIE: You're an ass.

[House pulls out his phone. Cameron answers.]

CAMERON: Cameron.

HOUSE: It's always the Dad.

[Cut to House talking to Deran outside Lucy's room.]

HOUSE: Excess facial hair in women, it's a clear sign of hormonal imbalance, exactly what the little kiddies have.

DERAN: Is there something wrong at the Day Care Centre?

HOUSE: There's something wrong in your pants.

DERAN: Oh... She's a lot younger than I am, I... use a male enhancement cream to keep up with her. What does this have to do with...

HOUSE: Never occurred to you to get a prescription instead of some penis pumper loaded with testosterone?

DERAN: I keep it at the gym. I apply it daily in the shower just like it says on the bottle. It's never been in my home it's obviously never been near the kids.

HOUSE: But you have.

DERAN: We've been through that I'm not a pervert or a paedophile.

HOUSE: 30% of our waste is excreted through our skin. That sounds high. That's why you stink after eating garlic. Jack waters his beanstalk everyday for a week and he's oozing bean curd out of his pores for a month. Every time you gave the little tykes a hug you gave them a dose of testosterone, small for you but more then their little bodies could handle.

DERAN: So... I did this to them? [House nods.] Just holding their hands?

HOUSE: Uh-huh.

DERAN: If I stop using it?

HOUSE: You'll be floppy, they'll be fine. [Looks at Jasper teasing Lucy by not letting her get her bunny.] He'll still be eight. [Pops a pill.]

[Aerial of PPTH, Night.]

[Cut to House in his office sitting behind his desk with his glasses on reading the magazine from before. Wilson walks in, sits down in front of him and starts rubbing his eyes and face like he's in pain.]

HOUSE: [Takes off his glasses.] You ok?

WILSON: Yeah I think so.

HOUSE: [Puts the magazine down.] Talk to Cuddy?

WILSON: No not yet! [Takes his hands off his face.] I don't know what to say.

HOUSE: Just... be straight with her.

WILSON: I'm not sure what that is. I... I can't stop thinking about her.

HOUSE: [Trying not to smile.] In what way?

WILSON: Maybe she's right, maybe... maybe this is worth exploring?

HOUSE: [Still trying fairly successfully to keep a straight face.] You sure she feels...

WILSON: She sent me flowers! How do I do this? What do I say?

HOUSE: Cameron would tell you to say how you feel. Me, I'd get her drunk.

WILSON: [Thinks.] I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to kiss her. [Slaps his hand as if to say and that's that.]

HOUSE: [Struggling to keep a straight face he has to cover his mouth with his hand.] That's... a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah your right, if you spoke you'd say something stupid.

WILSON: Yeah, and I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired. [Looks at House, he doesn't say anything.] Ok... yea... ok... [Gets up and leaves, House almost bursts out laughing while Wilson is on his way out. Once Wilson is gone he goes to take a sip of his coffee, suddenly Wilson bursts back in, pointing at him] You, you you you! You were going to let me do that?!

HOUSE: [Laughs.] Well you made a compelling argument.

WILSON: YOU sent those flowers to me!

HOUSE: Yes because, you took her to a play [Wilson throws his arms up in the air.] because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her.

WILSON: No! I don't!

HOUSE: Yes you do.

WILSON: [Sighs.] You're right.

HOUSE: [Shocked.] Seriously?

WILSON: No. [House smiles.] You're a jerk. [Wilson leaves.]

HOUSE: Night Wilson.

WILSON: Night House.

[House smiles and goes back to reading his magazine.]

[Cut to Chase getting ready to leave in the locker room, Cameron walks in and notices flowers on top of her locker, the card reads 'Not Stolen'. Cameron smiles and takes them down.]

CAMERON: They're beautiful. [She walks a few steps closer to Chase.] I thought about what you said, and ... I really don't want a relationship with you.

CHASE: I know. I also know you like flowers. [They smile at each other Chase leaves, Cameron looks at the flowers.]

[Shot of the whole family, Lucy Jasper Deran and Janie, leaving the elevator looking happy.]

[Cut to House and Cuddy watching them from the 2nd level balcony.]

CUDDY: I don't get the whole May - December thing.

HOUSE: Give me a break, it's May - October at worst.

CUDDY: Well why can't it be October - October?

HOUSE: May is when things start to get hot.

CUDDY: [Laughs.] If that guy wasn't trying so hard to keep up with a women half his age he wouldn't have almost killed both his kids.

HOUSE: Guy gets a little something-something, couple of kids have to die, circle of life.

CUDDY: So many people, so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost never the right person anyway. It just... shouldn't be so hard.

HOUSE: I got tickets to a play...

[End.]

Season 3 X 18 : Airborne

2007-04-10T14:27:00.001+08:00

Original Airdate: 4/10/2007
Written by: David Hoselton
Directed by: Elodie Keene
Transcript by: Rahul

[Fran's Living Room. Day. We see a well-decorated living room, with a showcase full of porcelain
figurines. There are a few figurines of cats. Someone is knocking on the door. Fran, middle-aged, neat, emerges from her bedroom and makes her way to the front door. She stops by a mirror near the door to adjust her makeup. She looks through the curtained window near the door and sighs. Outside, a well- manicured hand knocks again slowly. Fran opens the door to reveal a lady, late twenties, really pretty, dressed almost business-like.]

ROBIN: Fran? I'm Robin.

FRAN: [eagerly] Please come in.

[Robin enters, smiling. Fran closes the door.]

ROBIN: [looking around] Cute home. Two bedroom, one bath?

FRAN: [brightly] Yeah.

[Robin turns to see the showcase with the porcelain figurines.]

ROBIN: [pointing] Guy I know collects those. Says they're worth a fortune on the Internet.

[Fran sits on the sofa, hugging a pillow.]

FRAN: [whatever] Yeah.

[She smiles nervously at Robin.]

ROBIN: [sweetly] You've never used our agency before, have you?

FRAN: Is it that obvious?

[Robin smirks and sits next to Fran.]

ROBIN: [handing Fran a brochure] As you can see, we offer a full range of services.

FRAN: [looking at the brochure] Round the world?

ROBIN: Our deluxe package. Offers all the services of A, B and C.

[Fran seems stunned, yet ready.]

FRAN: How much?

ROBIN: Thousand dollars. And satisfaction's guaranteed. [gently stroking Fran's shoulder] Twice.

FRAN: I'll get the money.

ROBIN: [seductively] I'll get ready.

CUT TO:

[Fran's Bedroom. She opens a drawer and removes a wad of money. She pulls off the rubber band and closes the drawer. On the top of a chest of drawers nearby sits Harrington, her cat. She starts to walk out, counting the money. Outside her room, she notices the empty basket for Harrington.]

FRAN: Harrington?

[Harrington meows. Fran looks behind.]

FRAN: [going over to Harrington] Harrington. What're you doing up there?

[She gently strokes him. He purrs. ]

FRAN: All right, now don't take this personal, but you're gonna have to go...

ROBIN: [vo] Fran?

[Fran turns around to see Robin standing at the door, wearing a tight low-cut outfit (cut uptil her belly-button, that is).]

ROBIN: Is this okay?

[Fran is speechless and only looks at Robin. However, she's not really feeling turned on right now.]

[FRAN'S POV: Her vision is blurred, as she looks up from Robin's well-toned legs to her face.]

ROBIN: [alluring] Fran?

[She holds the money out unsteadily.]

[FRAN'S POV: Robin sees that all is not well.]

ROBIN: Fran? Are you all right?

[The money falls from Fran's hand and she drops to the floor, unconscious.]

ROBIN: [annoyed] Oh God.

[With a huff, she kneels over Fran and tries to shake her awake.]

ROBIN: Fran?

[No response. Robin looks at the money on the floor. She scrambles over and collects it, sticking it in her outfit at the chest. As she does so, she notices Harrington looking at her, almost judging her. She looks over to the phone and walks over and dials.]

ROBIN: [into phone] Yeah, I-I need an ambulance at 500 North Sycamore.

[She looks at Fran, who's moving her head, but still unconscious.]

ROBIN: [into phone] I don't know. My... friend collapsed.

CUT TO:

[Opening Credits.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Clinic. Wilson is checking up on Fran, with Robin standing nearby.]

WILSON: And what were you doing when you fainted?

FRAN: [unsure of what to say] We were just...

ROBIN: ... looking for her cat.

[Fran likes the answer and looks at Wilson with a "there-you-have-it" smile. Wilson nods and starts to feel through Fran's hair.]

WILSON: Have you banged your head recently?

FRAN: No.

[Wilson feels something and goes behind Fran's head and pulls off a patch from the back of her head.]

WILSON: Is this a motion-sickness patch?

FRAN: [sheepish] I must have forgotten to take it off. I just got back from a trip.

WILSON: Oops. Scopolamine can cause dizziness and blurred vision. [starts to write] You probably hit your head when you fell and that caused the blackout.

[He helps her up off the table.]

CUT TO:

[Nurse's station/Clinic Waiting area. Wilson, Fran and Robin walk outside.]

ROBIN: I thought those patches were supposed to prevent you from getting sick.

WILSON: Every drug has a side-effect. But it might be a good idea to keep your eye on her for the next few hours. Make sure she's okay.

ROBIN: Oh, uh, actually... I...

FRAN: She has to get back to work.

[Wilson nods.]

ROBIN: Is it important?

WILSON: We just don't like people to be alone after they leave here?

[Robin looks at Fran.]

FRAN: I'm fine. Really, I'm... I'm...

[She stops speaking, looking distant.]

ROBIN: Fran?

[Fran spins and crumples to the floor, convulsing heavily.]

ROBIN: Fran!

[Robin and Wilson quickly kneel beside her.]

WILSON: I got a seizure! Code cart!

ROBIN: What's wrong with her?

WILSON: I have no idea.

[Fran keeps seizing. An orderly inserts a tube into her mouth to suck out her saliva.]

WILSON: Where's House?!

CUT TO:

[On the other side of the globe... Singapore.]

[Serapong International Airport, Aerobridge. House (in a yellow/black Hawaiian shirt) is being wheeled through the 'bridge by a stone-faced steward, while Cuddy walks alongside, trying hard to contain her amusement at House's growing irritation. Behind them a little girl in her mother's arms keeps yelling out "I want my blankie!", only adding to House's annoyance. Other passengers shuffle through the 'bridge.]

HOUSE: Antique vintner's cane. Cost me nine hundred dollars.

CUDDY: It had a corkscrew in it.

HOUSE: Ah! That explains the vintner's reference.

CUDDY: It could be used as a weapon against the pilot.

HOUSE: [looks back the noisy kid] Only if he's sucking a bottle of Zinfandel.

CUDDY: You'll get it back when we land.

NOISY GIRL: I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!

HOUSE: [has had enough, turns to the mother] Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life. 'Cause he she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.

[The mother looks at House, appalled.]

CUDDY: [deadpan] Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.

HOUSE: You only forced me to deliver a speech, not goodwill.

CUDDY: [arguing] You gave a three-minute speech. You know how much WHO accreditation means to the hospital.

HOUSE: Huh, may have been short, but it had girth!

CUDDY: [painful to think about it] And the room service thing was just spiteful.

HOUSE: I was hungry.

CUDDY: Three hundred dollars for a bottle of wine.

HOUSE: I was thirsty.

CUDDY: A hundred and twenty dollars on video services.

HOUSE: I was lonely.

[They reach the end of the 'bridge. The stone-faced steward stops the wheelchair at the door.]

CUDDY: That's five hundred in expenses I can't justify.

HOUSE: [standing] Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

[He limps inside.]

CUDDY: [skeptically] Right.

CUT TO:

[Aeroplane. The flight attendant, Keo, serves a first class passenger a drink. She then goes to
attend to House and Cuddy.]

KEO: Welcome aboard. [takes House's boarding pass] Mr. House. You're right here in 2A.

[House takes back the pass and moves to his seat. Cuddy smilingly hands over her pass to Keo.]

KEO: Ms. Cuddy. You're in the next cabin and to the left. 9C.

CUDDY: [surprised] No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake.

HOUSE: [sitting comfortably in his seat] No mistake. Just arranged for a five hundred dollar fare reduction. Expense problem solved.

[He gives her a smug smile. Cuddy looks at him in dismay. Wearily, she goes to the economy class
cabin.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH. Fran's Room. Wilson speaks to Fran. Robin is nearby, text-messaging someone.]

WILSON: Where did you travel?

FRAN: Duluth. To visit my sister.

WILSON: [skeptically] Really? Is this her artwork?

[He points to a tattoo on her right heel. Robin turns to look. It's an upside-down heart, with
angel wings, with a banner across, saying "M�S-DEL-FUEGO".]

ROBIN: [translating] "Fire... butt"?

[They look at Fran questioningly.]

FRAN: [awkwardly] I was a little drunk.

WILSON: Where were you a little drunk?

[Fran looks at Wilson a beat. Then...]

FRAN: I turned fifty-eight last March. Same age my mother was when she died. Next week I packed a bag and went to JFK. Looked at the big board, took the first plane that went to a warm place.

[Wilson gestures for the name of the place.]

FRAN: [quietly] Caracas.

ROBIN: Oh my God.

WILSON: Did you drink the water? Eat salads? Any raw foods?

ROBIN: [embarrassed] Yep.

WILSON: [shaking his head] And...?

FRAN: [closes her eyes in shame] I also did Mescal shooters and, uh, snorted cocaine from a
homosexual man's stomach.

WILSON: [oh brother] Did you have sex? [looks like he'll be surprised if she says no.]

FRAN: No. [beat] Not with him. [smiling] I had sex with El Gordo. He was a large man.

ROBIN: [muttering scandalously] Oh my God.

FRAN: [starts to choke up] I never do things like that. I should have gone to visit my sister. It was stupid. It's why I'm sick, isn't it?

WILSON: [unsure] Uhhh... it's... possible.

CUT TO:

[Flight, First Class Cabin. House finishes his wine, while listening to some tunes. The seat next to him is empty. In the aisle, a Korean man, Peng, who's drinking a Bloody Mary, seems a bit under the weather.]

PENG: Uhhh, foof...

[House watches him as he groans slightly and leans back in his seat. Keo comes up with House's food.]

KEO: [cheerfully] Here you are. Rib-eye, medium rare. [places the plate on his tray.]

HOUSE: Thank you.

KEO: Some more Pinot Grigio?

HOUSE: [pulling out a menu] Uh, no. Think I will switch to the... Syrah!

[Keo smiles and leaves. House starts to eat. Peng takes a sip of his drink and groans even louder, appearing more and more uncomfortable by the minute. Keo notices his discomfort.]

KEO: Sir, are you all right?

HOUSE: He's drunk.

[Peng starts to make gagging sounds, with his mouth still closed. Keo, an experienced flight attendant, quickly moves to get him an air-sickness bag. Too late! He lurches forward and throws up multiple times on his food tray. House closes his eyes in irritation and disgust. Other passengers, including a businessman and businesswoman react the same. A sweaty Peng gags a couple of times and falls against his backrest, fatigued.]

KEO: [in Tagalog] Nilalagnat ka ba? [Are you sick?]

PENG: [Korean, strangled] [untranslated]

KEO: [urgently] Does anyone speak Korean?

[Peng lurches forward and coughs out some more puke.]

KEO: Is anyone a doctor?

[House looks around, hopefully. Nope! He rolls his eyes.]

HOUSE: Yes!

[He gets up from his seat, limping up to Keo.]

HOUSE: I'll go get her.

[He starts to move towards the economy-class cabin, but stops and goes to his seat to collect his rib-eye, medium rare, and his glass of Syrah. He acknowledges Keo and leaves.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, Economy-Class Cabin. Cuddy sits at 9C, reading a magazine, while some big dude snores loudly on her shoulder. As you can imagine, she's not enjoying a moment of this and probably wondering how many extra hours of clinic duty to assign to House to get back at him. House limps over. [Cuddy doesn't look too happy to see him right now.]

CUDDY: [wearily] What do you want?

HOUSE: Did you really think I was gonna leave you stuck back here for eighteen hours?

[Cuddy is genuinely surprised at House's "generosity".]

HOUSE: Go on, enjoy. With the Vicodin and the wine, I can sleep anywhere.

[Cuddy sighs in relief and gets up, collecting her stuff. Her coat is wrapped around her backrest, on which her neighbour sleeps, snoring away to high heaven. She yanks it off the seat.]

CUDDY: [quietly, grateful] Thank you.

[House nods, a cherubic smile on his face. Cuddy leaves for the first-class cabin, while House sits down, quite satisfied with himself.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Hallway. Wilson and the Ducklings walk, discussing Fran's case.]

CHASE: We should put her back on the Scopolamine patch.

FOREMAN: She can't wear motion-sickness patches for the rest of her life.

CAMERON: No, but if it does relieve her symptoms, it'll narrow down our search.

FOREMAN: [throwing a tantrum] Ugh! Anything else you two guys won't agree on?

CHASE: Have a problem with us agreeing?

FOREMAN: No, I have a problem with the other thing you guys are doing, which makes me
question your motive for agreeing.

WILSON: [sighing] I'll put her back on the patch. What else?

CHASE: It's gotta be something neurological. We should do a CT. Look for a brain tumour.

FOREMAN: It could also be an allergy or something environmental. We should check her home.

CAMERON: Bit more likely she got sick in Caracas than in New Jersey.

FOREMAN: Right. I forgot, there are no toxins in the US.

[Wilson stops and turns to face them.]

WILSON: I think I'm starting to feel sorry for House. [to Cameron] Get a tox screen, chem 20, STD panel, blood cultures. [to Foreman] Then you run a CT. [to Chase] And you check her house.

[The Ducklings balk at the instructions handed out by the senior, yet less dictatorial Wilson.]

WILSON: Please.

[The Ducklings reluctantly leave to carry out the instructions.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, Economy Class Cabin. The inflight movie plays on the screen. House sleeps blissfully, with the headphones on. Cuddy's hands come into frame, yanking off the 'phones, jerking the Jerk awake.]

CUDDY: Not funny.

HOUSE: Wasn't supposed to be funny-ha-ha.

[Cuddy kneels down next to his seat, whispering softly, yet urgently.]

CUDDY: Fever, headache, severe abdominal pain, and a rash all over his lower back. It's serious.
May be contagious.

[Cuddy says the last part a bit too loudly. The passenger in front of House, Joy (early twenties, pretty), turns her head in curiosity.]

HOUSE: Wow! We just attended a symposium on pandemics and you've run right into one on the flight home. Talk about a small world.

CUDDY: If it's meningococcus, half the passengers on this plane could get infected and die before we reach New York.

[Joy turns back to look at House and Cuddy.]

JOY: [loudly] Is someone sick?

HOUSE: [reassuring with a "mind-your-own-business" tone] No!

[A few others turn their heads.]

HOUSE: Someone has a hangover. [to Cuddy] He had a snoot-load of Bloody Marys before dinner.

CUDDY: [turning to Joy] Watch the movie.

[Joy is still suspicious but looks forward anyway.]

CUDDY: [whispering even lower] That booze did not give him the rash. It is textbook meningococcus.

HOUSE: It is also textbook allergic reaction to... pollen... peanuts, semen-stained polyester blanket he's lying on.

[Keo comes up from behind.]

KEO: Mr. Peng's throwing up again.

CUDDY: [to House] We have to turn around.

JOY: [whips backwards again] What? Why do we have to turn a...?

HOUSE: [cutting her off, stern] We don't! You misunderstood. Dr. Cuddy just meant that... he might feel less nauseous if he was facing a different direction. She didn't mean to panic a planeload of people.

CUDDY: [defiant] We're about to head over the North Pole. We don't turn back now, the next ER's fifteen hours away.

HOUSE: He'll be fine. [to Keo] I'm a doctor too.

KEO: You haven't examined him.

HOUSE: Korean male, mid-thirties, 5' 9", one-sixty, bald, scar on the right side of his jaw, medic alert bracelet on his left wrist indicating that he is allergic to, at least, penicillin.

CUDDY: Without any way to do an LP to rule out meningococcus, our only choice is to assume the worst.

HOUSE: Good point. [to Keo] On the other hand, I am a Board-certified specialist in infectious disease. She assigns parking spaces.

KEO: [to Cuddy] Please let me know if he gets any worse.

[She walks away, bumping past Cuddy. Cuddy shoots House an evil look as she gets up to leave. House watches her leave, focusing on his favourite part of her, and puts in his headphones.]

CUT TO:

[Fran's Home, Bedroom. Day. Harrington, the cat, still sits quietly on the chest of drawers. Chase is looking through the drawers. Cameron's in another room.]

CHASE: Think we should feed the cat?

[Outside the bedroom, Cameron is checking on Fran's medications. She looks around and sees a bowl full of cat food.]

CAMERON: Bowl's full. He wants it, he can get it. [focusing on med bottle] Cadmium Yellow? Heavy
metal poisoning would explain the ataxia and the seizures.

CHASE: Not unless she was painting with her tongue.

CAMERON: [tossing the bottle aside, entering the bedroom] Is Foreman right? Did you agree with me because of our relationship?

CHASE: Relationship?

CAMERON: You know what I mean.

CHASE: You mean, because of our _lack_ of a relationship.

CAMERON: I mean, because we're having sex.

CHASE: [joking] Yes, Foreman's right. I thought you were completely wrong about the medicine, but agreed with you anyway because I figured that then you'd do me in some old lady's home.

CAMERON: [playfully] Then, well played.

[She advances, grabs his jacket lapels and starts pushing him towards the bed. Chase seems a bit
unsure.]

CHASE: C'mon, we're supposed to be looking for toxins or something.

[She pushes him onto the bed and climbs on top of him.]

CAMERON: [really playful] We agreed it was a brain tumour.

[Chase seems distracted.]

CAMERON: What?

[Cameron sees what Chase is looking at. Harrington sits motionlessly on the chest of drawers, watching them.]

CHASE: [whispering] He's watching.

CAMERON: Haven't you had anybody watch before?

[Cameron gets off him. He still seems conscious of the cat, until Cameron grabs him again and pulls him off-screen, while still on the bed. Cameron giggles.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, Economy Class Cabin. House sits relaxed in his seat. Not so relaxed, however, is Joy, the passenger in front of him. She pulls off her headphones and stands up to look. In the first-class cabin, she sees Peng throw up again into an air-sickness bag help by Keo. Cuddy closes the curtain between the cabins. On the other aisle, the curtain is pulled open by the businesswoman, who is followed by the businessman, who is nauseously holding a kerchief to his mouth. Joy nervously turns to House.]

JOY: Is that guy really sick?

HOUSE: No. He's all better.

JOY: I don't believe you.

[House looks at Joy.]

HOUSE: [pointing towards the aisle] Look that way.

JOY: [slowly] Why?

HOUSE: 'Cause you're gonna throw up and I don't want it on me.

[Joy turns to the aisle, then lurches forward and pukes on the aisle floor. The other passengers get grossed out. She coughs and gags loudly. A young blonde boy, looks back in front in order not to feel nauseous himself. House stands up. Joy hurls again. House jumps away, though by his expression, it appears it wasn't fast enough. Other passengers groan. Keo approaches.]

KEO: [sighing in exasperation] I'll get some towels. [leaves down the aisle]

[Cuddy comes up.]

HOUSE: Give her a banana. Monkey see, monkey barf. You smell vomit...

[Joy stays bent over. Cuddy lifts up the Joy's shirt, to expose a red, horrible-looking rash on her lower back (nice tattoo, by the way). House sees it too.]

HOUSE: Okay, wasn't expecting that.

[Cuddy looks accusingly at him.]

[Commercial Set.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, Economy Class Cabin. House paces on the floor. Cuddy attends to Joy in the first-class cabin.]

HOUSE: I need help!

CUDDY: [mad] Who doesn't?

HOUSE: Need someone to talk to.

[He pops a Vicodin. Then his eyes fall on the same kid mentioned before, the one with the long blonde hair.]

HOUSE: [to the kid] Can you say, [bad Australian accent] "Croikey, myte"?

[As you've probably guessed by now, this kid is Chase's stand-in. We'll call him Air Chase.]

AIR CHASE: [American accent] Crikey, mate.

HOUSE: Perfect. Now, no matter what I say, you'll agree with me, okay?

AIR CHASE: [unsure] O-kay.

[House holds a marker in front of the movie screen (now called, Air Whiteboard).]

HOUSE: Nicely done.

[He points a Middle-Eastern/South-Asian guy, in the second row.]

HOUSE: You... disagree with everything I say.

[That makes the guy Air Foreman. House writes "VOMITING" on the Air Whiteboard.]

AIR FOREMAN: Sorry. Not understanding.

HOUSE: [shrugging] That's close enough.

[Finally, he settles on a really sour-looking lady in the first row.]

HOUSE: And you... get morally outraged with everything I say.

[Guess that makes her... any guesses?]

AIR CAMERON: [peevish] That's permanent marker, you know.

[House, impressed with his choice, turns to look at her.]

HOUSE: Wow, you guys are good. [back to work, writing] We are looking for the simplest way to explain these symptoms.

[He's written "VOMITING", "AB. PAIN", "RASH", "FEVER" one-under-the-other on the board.]

HOUSE: [guessing] Organophosphate poisoning. Some international flights spray pesticides.

[He motions to Air Chase for his thoughts.]

AIR CHASE: [deer in the headlights] Uhh... could be.

[Next up is Air Foreman.]

AIR FOREMAN: Sorry, English not so nice.

[Air Cam, you're up!]

AIR CAMERON: Is this a joke?

[Cuddy enters the Economy Class cabin.]

CUDDY: Just passed the half-way mark. Can't turn around. Nice call.

[Keo comes in through the other aisle.]

HOUSE: No worries. _We_ think it's pesticide poisoning.

KEO: We don't spray these flights.

HOUSE: Dramamine overdose.

CUDDY: Wouldn't explain the fever.

HOUSE: Jet lag.

CUDDY: Wouldn't explain the abdominal pain.

HOUSE: Deep vein thrombosis.

CUDDY: Wouldn't explain the nausea.

HOUSE: Food poisoning. What was on the menu?

KEO: Steak and sea bass in first class. Fettuccine and sea-food kebabs in economy.

CUDDY: [to House] Since when does food-poisoning cause rash?

HOUSE: [ignoring her] Sea bass, seafood kebabs?

[Keo nods.]

HOUSE: He had the sea bass. Please tell me she had the kebabs.

KEO: [nodding] I think so.

HOUSE: Ciguatera poisoning. It's an instant onset toxin. [looking at the Air Whiteboard] Symptoms include "E", all of the above. 'S only found in certain kinds of tropical gamefish, such as...? [motions to Air Chase to finish]

AIR CHASE: Sea bass?

HOUSE: [to Cuddy] Make sure you get a r�sum� from him.

[He pushes her gruffly aside and picks up the receiver to the PA system.]

HOUSE: [over PA system, deep, polite-sounding voice] Helloo?

KEO: [protesting] Excuse me...

HOUSE: [over PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, I have a brief announcement concerning your meals. IF you ate the sea bass or the seafood kebabs, you have ingested a dangerous toxin.

[The passengers start to murmur in panic.]

HOUSE: [over PA system] However, if you proceed to the restrooms both on your left or right or rear of the plane and vomit as soon as possible, the toxic effect should be minimal.

[Many people jump up from their seats in a panic and start rushing towards the restrooms, covering their mouths.]

HOUSE: [can't resist, over PA system] Thank you and have a pleasant flight.

[He hangs up the receiver.]

CUDDY: [sighing] Meningococcus makes just as much sense.

HOUSE: [nods] I know.

[He goes back towards his seat.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Lab. The Ducklings are performing the Wilson-requested tests. Cameron giggles, remembering the tryst in Fran's place. Chase smiles. Foreman, however, rolls his eyes. Wilson enters.]

WILSON: What'd you find?

CAMERON: Nothing in her house. Big waste of time.

CHASE: [under his breath] Medically.

[Cameron smiles mischievously.]

FOREMAN: CT was a complete waste. She was negative for tumours, her blood was negative for
drugs, heavy metals, tropical diseases, food poisoning and STDs.

[In frustration, Wilson runs his hand through his hair.]

CHASE: Also no sign of lead poisoning or sepsis. Apparently, Venezuelan tattoo parlours have standards after all.

CAMERON: Good to know.

[Chase smirks.]

FOREMAN: [sighs] We sure she's even sick?

WILSON: Two more seizures in the last two hours.

CAMERON: Which is slower than she was having before we put the patch back on.

[Wilson thinks and has an epiphany.]

WILSON: I'm an idiot. She's exposed herself to so much crap, I just assumed it was a... zebra. It's breast cancer.

CAMERON: Since when is breast cancer treatable by motion sickness meds?

WILSON: It's not. But the inflammation caused by the paraneoplastic syndrome caused by the cancer can be reduced by anticholinergics.

[He leaves the lab.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. Peng is reclined sideways on a seat, trembling heavily. Across him, Joy lies the same way, panicking. Cuddy, carrying an icebox, puts a wet towel on Peng's head.

CUDDY: Hey, here you go.

JOY: Is he gonna die?

[Cuddy comes over to Joy to put a towel on her head.]

CUDDY: [reassuring] We're doing all we can. Don't know what's wrong with him yet.

JOY: [scared] Am I gonna die?

CUDDY: No.

[She removes a plastic cup filled with ice chips from the icebox and hands it to Joy.]

CUDDY: Here, chew on these.

[Joy takes the cup. Cuddy walks away, leaving Joy to fearfully watch an ailing Peng. As Cuddy reaches the front row, House puts his hand into the icebox and takes a few ice chips for his drink. He's got his headphones on, and also has a couple of fluorescent yellow noseplugs stuck into his nostrils.]

HOUSE: Good news is, all the pilots are red-meat men. Although I was kind of looking forward to landing this puppy myself.

CUDDY: Peng's getting worse.

HOUSE: [removing his headphones] Ow. That makes sense. First class ate before coach. He digested more of his food before he threw up.

CUDDY: [leaning in] Or you're wrong and we're gonna start seeing neurological symptoms soon. Seizures, paralysis, ataxia.

HOUSE: [looks behind at Peng, then back to Cuddy] We're not gonna see ataxia.

CUDDY: [peeved] You're so sure you're right.

HOUSE: No, it's just hard to show clumsiness when you're lying moaning in the fetal position.

[Peng groans loudly. House sighs and gets off his seat.]

HOUSE: [to Peng, loudly] Hey! S... [removes the noseplugs] Stand up!

[No response from Peng.]

HOUSE: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?

CUDDY: I assumed you did.

HOUSE: I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I don't think that's gonna help. [even louder, to Peng] Hey! Stand up! [mimicking standing up] Stand... up!

[Peng slowly and weakly starts to get to his feet.]

HOUSE: Don't play the cripple card with me.

[Peng manages to stand upright, although he seems shaky. House and Cuddy watch him hopefully.

PENG: [Korean, fatigued] [untranslated]

[Suddenly, his legs give way and he crumples to the floor. House purses his lips and looks at Cuddy.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Outside Fran's room. Fran is asleep. Robin slowly and quietly slides the door shut and starts to walk off, looking at her cellphone. Wilson steps out of the nearby elevator. Robin looks up from her phone to see Wilson standing in front of her.]

ROBIN: Oh, hi. I'm leaving. [beat] Work.

WILSON: Oh, okay.

ROBIN: Important client.

WILSON: Sure.

[Robin nods and starts to leave. Wilson turns.]

WILSON: Um, listen...

[Robin presses the elevator button and turns to Wilson, a bit apprehensively. Wilson walks up to her.]

WILSON: Are you close?

ROBIN: [hesitant] Why?

WILSON: [looks over his shoulder into Fran's room] She needs a mammogram.

ROBIN: [muttering] Oh, God.

WILSON: I know I'm throwing a lot at you. She just has no family in town. And I really think she could use a friend right now.

[Robin looks at Fran, sleeping in her room.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Mammogram Room. Fran stands in front of the mammogram, her robe open in front of the machine. Cameron checks on her.]

CAMERON: [pointing] Okay, put your hand here.

[Cameron goes to the adjoining room. Camera pans to show Robin standing next to Fran.]

FRAN: You don't have to stay.

ROBIN: No, it's... no problem.

FRAN: But why? You don't even know me.

ROBIN: You gotta be scared.

FRAN: [nods, choking up] I almost hope it's breast cancer.

ROBIN: [shaking her head] No.

FRAN: Then it wouldn't be my fault.

ROBIN: [supportively] Whatever it is, it's not your fault.

FRAN: That's not true. You can control things. Not everything. But you don't have to take stupid risks. I was being an idiot.

ROBIN: You were having fun.

FRAN: You have regrets?

ROBIN: Yeah.

CAMERON: [over radio, from adjoining room] Robin.

[Fran motions for her to go on. Robin turns and acknowledges Cameron. Then, with an encouraging look to Fran, she leaves to join Cameron.]

CAMERON: [over radio] Hold still.

[The image of Fran's breast comes up on Cameron's monitor.]

CAMERON: [over radio, smiling] Good.

[She goes over to Fran.]

CAMERON: [adjusting the machine] Okay, we're gonna get just one more.

[Fran starts to breathe louder in panic.]

CAMERON: Sorry, I know it hurts.

FRAN: It's not that. It's my eye. My right eye, I... I can't see.

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. While Joy watches in growing trepidation, House examines the rash on Peng's leg, while he lies unconscious on the floor.]

HOUSE: It's definitely ataxia. It's definitely a rash.

CUDDY: You wanna look at it for five more minutes before concluding it's also definitely a leg.

HOUSE: Thin leg. It's been in a cast.

CUDDY: So?

HOUSE: So it could be radiation poisoning.

CUDDY: From a broken leg?

HOUSE: From the X-rays they took of it.

CUDDY: He could break every bone in his body and still not have enough x-rays to cause radiation
sickness.

HOUSE: Unless those X-rays were performed in "Wankoff", North Korea by a third-grade dropout with a 50-year-old imager. [pointing to Peng's bald head] Which accounts for the absence of fur. Radiation poisoning accounts for all the symptoms.

JOY: [butting in] I have hair. I haven't had an X-ray since I got my teeth whitened.

HOUSE: [has enough of her] You're pregnant.

JOY: [wtf] I'm what?

HOUSE: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you're stuffing your 36Cs into a 34B bra.

CUDDY: And her rash?

HOUSE: PUPPPs. Common pregnancy rash.

[Just so y'all know, it's "Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy".]

JOY: [indignant] I can't be pregnant.

HOUSE: You a virgin?

JOY: No, but--

HOUSE: You're pregnant. Mazel tov. [to Cuddy] Let's get him into the chair.

[House limps over Peng towards Cuddy. Keo comes up to help. Cuddy doesn't look too good.]

CUDDY: [skeptically] Two different diagnoses. I thought you didn't believe in coincidences.

HOUSE: I believe in statistics. Two hundred passengers on the plane.

[With Keo's help, he gets Peng onto the seat.]

HOUSE: Ten should be gay, two should be with child, and one should be incredibly annoying with an extra ass chromosome.

CUDDY: [really uncomfortable] House.

HOUSE: [to Keo] Get him some iodized salt to protect his thyroid. I'm going back...

CUDDY: House!

[House turns around.]

CUDDY: [really looking run down] You're wrong.

[She looks nauseous. Then, she doubles over and throws up on the floor. House slowly comes over to her and lifts up the back of her shirt (he has a medical reason to do so, this time) to expose a very familiar rash.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. Cuddy is now among the sick. House puts his ear to her chest (again, medical reason) to listen to her heartbeat.]

CUDDY: [complaining hoarsely] I said we should've turned back. You should have listened to me. Now we're eight miles over the Arctic...

HOUSE: [looks up] I'm trying to listen to you now, so shut up. [listens into her chest again] Heart's fine. [can't resist mentioning] Breasts are firm.

[Cuddy seems partly annoyed, partly flattered.]

KEO: Is it contagious? A lot of the passengers are scared.

HOUSE: Tell them there's nothing to worry about.

KEO: Is there something to worry about?

HOUSE: Yeah.

HOUSE: Tell them there's nothing to worry about. Gimme a flash light.

CUT TO:

[PPTH, EEG Room. Foreman and Cuddy are performing an EEG on Fran. She has many electrodes stuck to her forehead. Cameron hands her something to cover her eye.]

CAMERON: Cover your left eye with this.

[Cameron goes to join Foreman in the adjoining room. A monochromatic pattern strobes on the monitor as she watches it with her left eye blocked off.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. Cuddy's POV: House shines a flashlight into her face. She waves it away irritably.]

CUDDY: Mm... photophobia! Symptom of meningitis! We need antibiotics.

HOUSE: I'll call down to the pharmacy.

[He leans in and starts to smell Cuddy's hair, then her neck.]

CUDDY: [softly] You're creeping me out.

HOUSE: Then get me a lab. [now smelling her stomach] Pseudomonas smell yeasty. Staph smells musty. Some liver diseases smell of ammonia.

CUDDY: House, I'm not in heat.

HOUSE: [results of the smell-test] Citrusy on the nose, with a blush of toasted coconut.

[Cuddy smirks. House lifts up her shirt to expose the rash on her stomach (medical reason, AGAIN!). Cuddy breathes heavily. House starts to undo her belt. That's the last straw for Cuddy. She grabs his hand.]

HOUSE: Need to get a better look at your rash.

CUDDY: Use your imagination.

HOUSE: Fine, shall I go with "Lifeguard Cuddy" or "Mother Superior Cuddy"?

[Keo enters the cabin.]

KEO: Three more passengers are sick.

CUDDY: If we don't get drugs, we're gonna have a lot of dead passengers.

[House contemplates this.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Hallway. Robin sits on a couch in the waiting area. Wilson comes up.]

WILSON: Blindness in her right eye indicates it's not breast cancer. It's likely neurological...

ROBIN: [interrupting] I just met her today.

WILSON: Huh... [takes a seat, then] You should go.

ROBIN: She needs someone here.

WILSON: That's not your job.

[Robin knows he's right. She gets up and starts to walk away. She stops near the Nurse's station and writes on a piece of paper. She hands it to Wilson.]

ROBIN: Please let me know that she's okay.

[Wilson nods and watches her leave.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, EEG Room. The EEG is underway. Cameron is explaining her "relationship" with Chase to Foreman.]

CAMERON: It's just sex.

FOREMAN: There's no such thing. [over radio, to Fran] Other eye.

CAMERON: Are you saying women can't separate the physical from the emotional?

FOREMAN: No one does it well. Women do it worse.

CAMERON: [playfully] You just want us to stop, because you think it's affecting...

FOREMAN: Me. Yeah.

[Cameron smiles. The monitors start beeping.]

CAMERON: Polyspikes over oh-one and oh-two.

FOREMAN: That's her left eye. Burst suppression on every lead.

[Fran is swaying in her chair as she watches the screen glassily. Then her head drops. Foreman and Cameron jump from their seats and rush over to her.]

CAMERON: Fran?

[Foreman flashes his flashlight into Fran's eyes.]

CAMERON: She's comatose.

CUT TO:

[Flight, Economy-Class Cabin. It's shakedown time! Air Chase walks along the aisle, holding out a pillow-case for people's meds, followed by House. He holds it out in front of a passenger, who shakes his head.]

HOUSE: Nothing...

[The neighbouring passenger is of no help either.]

HOUSE: Nothing... [addressing everybody] C'mon, nobody has no meds.

[He stops near a couple, obviously seeing something. He places his hand under the lady's chin.]

CLUELESS WIFE: Excuse me.

HOUSE: Open your mouth.

[He and Air Chase lean in to look into her mouth.]

HOUSE: [standing upright] Where is the acyclovir?

CLUELESS WIFE: I'm not on any meds.

HOUSE: Well, you'd better get some. You've got herpes.

[The husband looks guilty as sin. House looks at him. He holds his hand out for the meds. Hubby dearest reaches into his jacket and pulls out a bottle of meds, which he hands over to House grudgingly.]

HOUSE: What do you know? He's got some. This must be your lucky day.

[He takes out a few pills and gives them to her. She looks at her husband in shock.]

HOUSE: [loudly] This is for real! People are sick! Some of us will be deplaning in body bags unless you cough up.

[Many passengers (even those they already passed), start pulling out their meds and holding it above their heads, calling "Here!". Air Chase starts collecting the meds, which the passengers hand over most eagerly.]

HOUSE: [as the pillowcase starts to fill up] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you.

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostics Office. Foreman and Cameron argue on Fran's case, while Wilson paces about and Chase sits quietly behind Cameron.]

FOREMAN: Her brain is shutting down because of intercranial pressure.

CAMERON: Or her nerves are dying.

FOREMAN: Because of the increased pressure. She has a bleed in her brain.

CHASE: You said the CT showed...

FOREMAN: [finishing] ... no tumors. But if she has an AVM leading to a cerebral haemorrhage, we coulda missed it. She needs a burr hole to relieve...

CAMERON: You wanna drill in her brain because of an invisible bleed the CT couldn't see? We should do an LP to confirm the presence of red blood cells.

FOREMAN: And her brain herniates and then she dies.

CAMERON: Right, better to kill her in the OR. Chase, what do you think?

FOREMAN: [whispers to Wilson] Here's a cliffhanger.

[Chase seems a bit insulted at that insinuation.]

CHASE: I think it'd help to know what she has before we start digging into her brain.

WILSON: Might be better to play it safe to start. Do an LP.

FOREMAN: [under his breath, disgruntled] Sex better be damn good.

[Glaring at Foreman, Cameron and Chase get up and leave.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. House empties the pillowcase, dropping all the med bottles onto a chair. Cuddy watches, reclined in her chair, covered with a blanket. She looks absolutely sick.]

HOUSE: Lotta apples, not many candy bars.

CUDDY: [wearily] Any antibiotics?

HOUSE: Three caps of augmentin.

CUDDY: There're six patients. Give 'em to Peng.

HOUSE: He's allergic to penicillin.

CUDDY: The first aid kit has two epi pens.

[House looks at Peng writhing in pain in his seat.]

HOUSE: If he has a severe reaction, ten epi pens won't save him. [holds out the pills] You take the pills.

CUDDY: He's worse.

HOUSE: He's a guy who doesn't speak English.

CUDDY: [weak but firm] Give him the meds.

HOUSE: [arguing] If it's not meningitis, we're risking his life and flushing meds down the toilet.

CUDDY: Then do an LP on him. If it's clear, you win. If it's cloudy, he gets the augmentin and we risk a reaction.

HOUSE: [nods] Sounds like a plan. Oh, except for the part where we don't have an LP needle. Oh, and the shaking of the plane means I'll probably pierce his spinal cord and cripple him for life, but, [shrugs] I mean, it totally sounds like a plan.

CUDDY: [deadpan] You're right. Let him die. Give me the meds.

[House, not ready to let Peng die, considers his plan of action.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Cameron and Chase prepare to perform an LP on Fran. Cameron turns Fran over onto her side. Chase gloves up, while the camera pans over to a covered cart. Chase removes the cover, exposing a full tray of sophisticated equipment. The camera slowly pans more to the left as we...]

MERGE TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. The airline-available equivalent of the fore-mentioned equipment. There's a napkin, a plastic shot glass, a paper napkin, a packed syringe, a small alcohol bottle and a box of disposable vinyl gloves. House goes over his makeshift "LP kit", then takes off his yellow Hawaiian shirt and tosses it aside. He unpacks the syringe.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase swabs Fran's back with iodine and puts the swab back in the tray along with the other used swabs. He picks up the encased LP needle and removes the cover.]

FADE TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. House, wearing the vinyl gloves, removes the cap off the syringe.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase prepares to push the LP needle into Fran's back.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. House prepares to do the same to Peng.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase lowers the needle towards the desired spot.]

CUT TO

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. While Cuddy watches, House holds the syringe inches away from Peng's rash- covered back. Suddenly, the plane starts to experience turbulence. House's hand freezes. The turbulence stops.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase inserts the needle into Fran's back, while Cameron watches.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. House inserts the syringe (sans plunger) into Peng's back.

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase picks up the test tube to collect the spinal fluid.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. House picks up the plastic shot glass for the same purpose.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase collects Fran's spinal fluid in the test tube.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. Peng's spinal fluid drips from the plungerless syringe into the shot glass. The sample collected, House raises the glass to see it against the light.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Fran's Room. Chase finishes the LP.]

CHASE: Got it.

[He raises the test tube to see it against the light.]

CAMERON: Damn.

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. House shakes the shot glass gently.]

CUDDY: What is it?

HOUSE: Shut up. Don't get hysterical.

CUDDY: [too late] Just tell me what the hell it is! House!

[House looks like an epiphany has just struck.]

CUDDY: [accusingly] We should have turned back. We should have turned back!

[House, still ignoring Cuddy, stands.]

CUDDY: [frantic] House!

[House opens the curtain and steps into the Economy-class cabin, still carrying Peng's spinal fluid in the shot glass.]

HOUSE: [to Air Cameron] Hold this.

[He hands her the shot glass. She looks less than thrilled to hold it, despite not knowing what it is. He picks up the receiver to the PA system to address the anxious passengers.]

HOUSE: [over PA system, somberly] Ladies and gentlemen, we have a passenger with a confirmed case of bacterial meningitis.

[Shocked murmurs all around.]

HOUSE: [over PA system] And even if we land as soon as possible, the passenger will not survive. It's very likely that some of you have been infected as well.

[Some passengers start to break down.]

HOUSE: [over PA system] As soon as you start feeling symptoms, we need to isolate you in the first class cabin.

[Some people start coughing.]

HOUSE: [over PA system, rattling off the symptoms] Fever, rash,...

[Some passengers start looking for rashes on their bodies.]

HOUSE: [over PA system, continuing]... nausea, and in the late stages...

[He waits a beat. The passengers brace for the last symptom.]

HOUSE: [over PA system]... tremor in the left hand.

[People start panicking heavily, their left hands trembling visibly.]

FRIGHTENED PASSENGER 1: I have that!

JOY: [watching her own trembling left hand] Oh, god.

FRIGHTENED PASSENGER 2: [watching his left hand shake] No!

[The passengers generally start to go to pieces.]

KEO: [worried, to House] What do we do?

HOUSE: Break out the bubbly. [yells] Yo! Listen up!

[The passengers stops panicking for a moment and look at House hopefully.]

HOUSE: [over PA system] Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis.

[Sighs of relief all around.]

HOUSE: [over PA system] It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria.

[In the first-class cabin, Cuddy looks behind weakly.]

HOUSE: It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women.

[Clueless wife looks offended.]

HOUSE: I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft, [chuckling] what can I do?

CUDDY: House, you're wrong!

JOY: [holding out her trembling left hand, hysterically] Look at my hand.

HOUSE: Yeah, look at her hand. Shaking left hand. What is that a symptom of? Not meningitis. It's basically a symptom of nothing. Put the idea into their heads and watched it happen. Same thing that Peng cruelly did with the puking and the rash.

JOY: The rash is in my head?

HOUSE: Your mind controls your body. It thinks you're sick, it makes you sick.

[Cuddy purses her lips, feeling foolish. However, the passengers still seem flustered.]

HOUSE: [over PA system] If-if you'll all just calm down, your symptoms will soon go away. And to
facilitate this process, your flight crew will move through the cabin with a complimentary bar service.

[Keo, a relieved smile on her face, goes to make it happen.]

HOUSE: [over PA system] Thank you and, as always, have a pleasant flight.

[House sits next to Cuddy.]

HOUSE: Still feel like puking?

CUDDY: No.

[House leans across her and raises her chair's backrest, until she's only inches away from him. Then, he opens the window, letting the light come in.]

CUDDY: How did you know?

HOUSE: LP was negative. I came up with an alternate theory and I tested it. Couldn't have done it without you. Rage is a symptom of mass hysteria. Just one more thing to clean up. Peng set off the mass hysteria. What set off Peng?

[They look at Peng, who lies on the floor, still writhing.]

CUDDY: He really is dying.

HOUSE: Yeah. And I haven't the faintest idea why.

[Commercial set.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, Economy-Class Cabin. House adds one more symptom to Air Whiteboard - "Extensor Posturing". The Air Ducklings are seated in the front row, in front of the Air Whiteboard. Cuddy sits at the side, her hair a mess.]

AIR CHASE: What's "extension pastoring"?

HOUSE: It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin.

CUDDY: [looking at the Air(-headed) Ducklings, aside to House] Do we really need these three?

HOUSE: Worried they'll make you look bad? Could be symptomatic of head trauma, cerebral infarction or intercranial hemorrhage. Thoughts?

AIR CAMERON: [arms folded, curtly] How long till we land?

HOUSE: Too long to wait. His head's as smooth as a baby's bottom. No bumps, so I think we can rule out head trauma. So you gotta choose between what's left. Clog or leak?

AIR FOREMAN: [perking up] Errr... you're talking of toilet?

CUDDY: House, is this actually helpful?

HOUSE: Not so far.

CUDDY: What about syphilis?

HOUSE: First of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks. Which makes talking up the ladies a little rough.

[He pops a Vicodin.]

CUDDY: We're flying out of Singapore. If he has a credit card and a condom, he can get anything he wants.

AIR CAMERON: Eww.

[House looks like he's had another epiphany.]

CUDDY: What?

HOUSE: Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis.

AIR CHASE: His legs got paralyzed by a condom?

HOUSE: No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract.

AIR CAMERON: [doesn't like the graphic description] Eww.

CUDDY: You think he's a mule.

HOUSE: I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate.

AIR CHASE: [enthused] Cool.

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Operating Room. Fran, unconscious, her head shaved, is wheeled into the OR. The doctors prepare to transfer her from the gurney to the table. The camera pans upwards to the Observation deck, from where Chase and Cameron watch.]

[Observation deck.]

CHASE: They're gonna kill her.

CAMERON: We were wrong. Which means Foreman was right.

CHASE: Maybe Foreman's right about us too. Maybe we should just stop all this. I mean, if it's
affecting our jobs.

CAMERON: [brushing it off] It's not affecting our jobs.

CHASE: We had sex in a patient's bedroom. A bedroom we were examining for toxins. Yeah, our judgment's right on the mark.

CAMERON: All right, no more sex at patient's homes. No more sex with cats watching. Anywhere else you wanna cross off the list?

[It's Chase's turn to have an epiphany.]

CHASE: The bowl.

CAMERON: What?

CHASE: [looking down at Fran] Has she eaten since she's been here?

CAMERON: She's been sick since she's been here.

CHASE: What if it's a symptom?

CAMERON: Why would you think...?

CHASE: The bowl was full.

[Chase leaves the room. Cameron still looks confused.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, Flight Attendants Cabin. House prepares a makeshift "scalpel", by taping a razor to a pen. He pulls out a small bottle of alcohol and tosses it to Air Chase. Peng, in his vest and boxers, lies on the floor, still writhing. The Air Ducklings, Keo and Cuddy are huddled around him.]

HOUSE: You're gonna need to hold him down. He's not gonna like this.

[House, carrying a tray of other possibly necessary makeshift "instruments", steps over Peng and kneels down next to him.]

CUDDY: D'you really think he's a mule?

HOUSE: Fits the symptoms.

[House leans over and takes a pair of vinyl gloves from the top of a cabinet.]

AIR CAMERON: You sure he's not contagious?

HOUSE: [gloving up] Pretty much.

AIR CAMERON: Can't be "pretty much" sure. Means you're not sure.

HOUSE: Oh, aren't you clever?

[He lifts up Peng's vest, exposing his rash-covered stomach.]

HOUSE: [motioning to Air Chase] C'mon.

[Air Chase twists open the bottle of alcohol and gives it to House.]

HOUSE: [to Peng] Well, I know you're "pretty much" [looks at Air Cameron] unconscious, but as it's been pointed out to me, "pretty much" doesn't mean squat.

[House forces the bottle into Peng's mouth. Peng gurgles as he ingests the alcohol.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Operating Room. The anaesthesiologist gently places a mask on her face. She opens her eyes for a bit, but then closes them as the anaesthesia takes effect.]

CUT TO:

[Fran's Home. Chase, wearing an oxygen mask, walks. He comes up to Harrington's basket, but it's empty. The bowl however is still full. Chase enters the bedroom and sees poor Harrington, lying dead on the top of the chest of drawers. A moment of silence for the cat, please...]

CUT TO:

[Fran's Basement. Chase enters the basement. It's dark, in spite of a single glowing lightbulb. He looks in a corner and sees one end of a pipe, sticking out of the wall. The other end is nowhere in sight. Chase gets up.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Operating Room. Wilson and Foreman, all scrubbed and masked up, enter. The surgeons start to clamp Fran's head to the table, so they can drill into her skull. A doctor brings the surgical lights over her.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, Flight Attendants Cabin. While Keo shines a flashlight on Peng's stomach, House, "scalpel" hovering over Peng's stomach, gives Cuddy an unsure look. Cuddy returns the look.]

HOUSE: Okay, hold him tight.

[The Air Ducklings and Cuddy press down on his limbs. Air Chase is on his right shoulder, Air Cameron is on his left shoulder, Air Foreman is on his legs and Cuddy is on his left arm. House is on his right arm.]

HOUSE: The faster we do this, the less likely he is to die of shock.

[Air Cameron presses down and looks away. House's hand shakes as he's about to make an incision.]

HOUSE: Tighter.

[Air Chase pushes down fully on Peng's right shoulder. He suddenly lets go for a second. Peng grimaces in pain. Air Chase reapplies the pressure to the shoulder. Peng seems to relax a bit. House notices the strange response.]

AIR CHASE: Sorry.

HOUSE: Do that again. Ease off, then press down.

[Air Chase does so, raising his hands slightly. Peng starts to groan in agony. Air Chase pushes down again. Peng seems less in pain now. House pushes down his right knee, Peng gives a sigh of relief, but when the pressure is removed, he starts groaning again. House tries it again and gets the same response.]

HOUSE: [to Cuddy] Pressure on his joints relieves his pain.

CUDDY: Okay...?

HOUSE: Wrong again. [looking around] Where's his wallet?

[Cuddy looks puzzled.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Operating Room. Foreman uses a marker to draw a circle on Fran's head, to mark the spot to cut. Wilson watches. Foreman incises the spot with a scalpel and pulls it open slowly with a forceps. He then picks up a drill and tests it to make sure it's running. He looks at Wilson, who nods back. Cameron watches from the Observation Deck.]

CUT TO:

[Fran's backyard/Neighbour's house. Chase walks quickly outside Fran's home to a cellar. He opens the cellar door and sees the pipe under it. Chase goes over to a hedge, separating Fran's home from the neighbour's. The pipe is connected the neighbour's house. Chase runs over to the neighbour's door, on which a notice is tacked. It reads:

"DANGER:
PREMISES HAVE BEEN
FUMIGATED WITH
METHYL BROMIDE

NO ADMITTANCE
FOR 72 HOURS".

Chase removes a note tacked on top of the notice and quickly read it. He immediately pulls out his cell- phone and dials.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Operating Room. Cameron, on the Observation Deck, listens into her cellphone. Just as Foreman is about to start drilling, she knocks on the glass, getting the attention of the doctors below. Foreman stops the drill. Cameron runs over.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, First-Class Cabin. House pulls out a card from Peng's wallet. He and Cuddy look at it.]

HOUSE: Scuba certification card.

[He hands it to Cuddy and keeps rummaging through the wallet. He finds a piece of paper, which he finds interesting.]

CUDDY: Big deal.I have one of these.

HOUSE: Yeah. You also have a receipt from Tekong's Scuba Rental dated yesterday?

[Cuddy sighs, understanding.]

CUDDY: [to Keo] Tell the captain to drop as low as he can under five thousand feet.

KEO: We're at thirty eight thousand. We can't...

CUDDY: Peng's got the bends.

HOUSE: Went diving yesterday. Like an idiot, he surfaced too quickly. Like a bigger idiot, he boarded a flight which is pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea level. Low pressure is killing him. Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window.

[Keo starts to leave to inform the captain.]

HOUSE: And get him some oxygen.

[Keo nods and leaves. House sits down, tired.]

CUT TO:

[Fran's Room. Fran lies in her bed, listening to Wilson and Chase.]

CHASE: Fifty years ago, it was one estate. The two homes shared an electrical system. Unfortunately, the exterminator didn't know that. So when they fumigated next door, the poison gas flowed through the old pipe and into your house.

WILSON: The scopolamine patch was masking the effects of the poison. You'll have to stay here for a few more days, but after that you should be fine.

[Fran tearfully touches the bandaged portion of her shaved head.]

CHASE: I'm sorry about your cat.

WILSON: And your hair.

FRAN: [contemplative] For twelve years, Harrington never left the property. I thought I was being punished for going away, but really... I was being punished for coming home.

[Wilson and Chase look at her sympathetically.]

CUT TO:

[Flight, near the exit. The flight's landed.Peng is strapped to a gurney. So he can't do anything but groan when House takes his oxygen mask and puts it to his own face and takes a deep breath. He returns it to Peng's face. He motions to the paramedic to start moving. Peng is wheeled out. House exhales heavily, leaning against the flight attendant's cabinet. Passengers file past him. Cuddy comes up, smiling brightly. She hands him his bag.]

CUDDY: Thank you.

HOUSE: I saved your life. You owe me.

CUDDY: I wasn't sick.

HOUSE: But you didn't know that. You owe me.

CUDDY: I know it now.

HOUSE: Your mind convinced your body to get a rash, photophobia and vomit. How d'you know it wouldn't have shut down your cold, cold heart next?

CUDDY: [smiling, shaking her head] I don't owe you.

HOUSE: [complaining] You're mean.

[Shouldering his bag, he walks off.]

CUDDY: That's how I compensate for being weak... soft.

[She puts on her jacket and goes for her bag. House, entering the aerobridge, sits on a wheelchair, manned by Keo.]

KEO: Just wanted to say thank you.

[Cuddy stops.]

HOUSE: You're extremely welcome.

KEO: I'm in New York every Monday.

HOUSE: [intrigued] Are you handicap-accessible?

[Cuddy looks partly jealous, partly bewildered, as Keo wheels House away.]

CUE MUSIC: "Hope for the Hopeless" by Fine Frenzy.

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Wilson's Office. Wilson looks at the paper Robin had given him. Her number is 609-555-0144. He picks up the phone and dials the number.]

WILSON: [into phone] Hi, Robin? This is, um, uhh, Dr. Wilson, F-Fran's doctor. James. [beat] It was a toxin. We caught it on time and she's gonna be fine. [beat] Yeah, it is. [beat] Uh, listen, I was just wondering if you were coming back in again to visit.

CUT TO:

[PPTH, Outside. Night. Cameron and Chase leave for home.]

CAMERON: Nice catch.

CHASE: Thanks.

CAMERON: Think even House would be impressed.

CHASE: I don't know about that.

CAMERON: [suggestively] Any idea how you want to celebrate?

[She smiles cheerfully, but Chase seems to have something on his mind.]

CAMERON: What?

CHASE: I want more.

CAMERON: [joking] I thought you were getting a little worn out, but...

CHASE: That's not what I meant.

CAMERON: [losing the smile] I know. I was just hoping you'd take the hint and pretend you never said that.

CHASE: I want this to be more than it is.

CAMERON: I thought we were clear.

CHASE: In the beginning, but you can't tell me you don'...

CAMERON: [interrupting] Yes, I can. And I don't. It was... fun. That's it.

[She looks at him ruefully.]

CAMERON: And now it's over.

[She walks away, leaving a downcast Chase.]

[Closing Credits.]

Season 3 X 18 : Airborne

2007-04-10T14:27:00.000+08:00