Season 2 X 09 : Deception

Original Airdate: 12/13/2005
Written by: Michael R. Perry
Directed by: Deran Sarafian
Transcript by: Mari

BEGINNING

[Scene: A snowy Off-Track Betting parlor.]

Race announcer: …Calamari is still in the lead but Apple Parking is making strides he is now in fourth, third, and holding second place while Blue Calamari is at a steady speed… [camera pans to see House watching the monitor] …And down the stretch they come! Apple Parking comes from behind and it’s Apple Parking by a nose! [House looks disappointed.] This is the last call for the third race. You may still wager if you hurry. Here’s your information on race number three…

House: Out of the way, cripple coming through.

Man in line in front of House: Um, sixth race at Golden Downs, I’ll take the two and the four. Hey, that’s my birthday! February 4th, 1963, you think that’s a good bet? What’s your birthday?

House: Take your time, don’t worry, there’s only thirty seconds to post.

Man: Is there any way I can bet on the six and the three also? You know, for the year? All four horses, can I do that? [A woman comes up to talk to the teller.]

Anica: He wants a $2 exactabox, 2, 4, 6, 3. Give him $24. [The man fishes for money as Anica winks at House.] Your turn.

House: Ninth at Gulf Street and Park. 500 and on the 3 horse, Seminole Uprising to win.

Anica: Might as well burn your money.

House: I’ll burn my winnings. Bigger flame.

Race announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, they’re at the post. The flag is up.

Anica: Same race. Termigator to win. [House moves to a monitor.]

Race announcer: And they’re off!

Teller: Sorry, race just closed.

Anica: Damn it! She was 14 to 1, too.

House: Well, fat ass over there just saved you money.

Anica: No way Seminole Uprising’s going to –

House: I don’t bet on the horses, I bet on the jocks. My rider’s bulimic, purges after his weigh-ins. Leave a two pound pile at the starting gate, shaves valuable time off that final eighth.

Anica: Nice to have inside information. [Anica collapses, but House is busy watching the race.]

House: Is anybody here a doctor? [Anica is seizing, and one man straddles her and prepares to start CPR.] You trying to cop a feel?

Man: I took a CPR class at the Y.

House: That would be useful if she was having a heart attack instead of a seizure.

Man: Seizure? Hold her tongue down?

House: If you want to get a finger bitten off. Call an ambulance.

Man: Methodist is three blocks down, I could drive her.

House: Just make the call. [House sees something interesting, and pulls up Anica’s shirt slightly to see very discolored stretch marks/bruises.]

Man: What the hell is that?

House: How should I know? Tell the paramedics to take her to Princeton-Plainsboro. The doctor’s name is House.

Race announcer: And it’s Termigator winning by two lengths!

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to Diagnostic office.]

Cameron: Since when does House hang out at OTB?

Foreman: The man’s an addict.

Chase: Right, but addicted to pills, not gambling.

Foreman: It’s the same thing! Drug abuse, drinking, gambling – they all fire up the same pleasure centers in the brain. An addict is an addict is –

Chase: Gambling doesn’t take away his pain. [House enters.]

House: It does when I win. [He throws a chart on the table.] Hot OTB babe, has grand mal and inexplicable bruising. What up with that?

Cameron: You were just standing there and she started to seize?

House: Spend as much time around the real people as I do, someone gets sick.

Foreman: Her platelets are 89, she’s anemic, and she has a blood alcohol level of 0.13.

Chase: Hot OTB babe? Obviously a working girl, probably an STD, infection.

House: No fever, no infection.

Foreman: Alcohol abuse explains it all. Causes seizures and affects her blood’s ability to clot, which causes bruising. Start her on heparin, she’ll be fine by morning.

House: Except for the fact that the bruises are not petechial, which means it’s not DIC.

Foreman: So the bruises were caused by trauma. She probably got beat up by a boyfriend, or a pimp.

House: What’s that called when you judge someone before ever meeting them?

Foreman: She’s a regular at OTB. Somehow I don’t see her holding down a 9-to-5 and going to PTA meetings.

House: I was there. I have a 9-to-3 job.

Cameron: It could be SLE, Familial Telangectasias, or even Cushing’s.

House: Good. Start with those.

Cameron: Which one?

House: Cushing’s. Explains the seizure and the bruising.

Foreman: Not the anemia.

House: So she doesn’t eat a lot of meat.

Foreman: DIC brought on by alcohol abuse is far more likely. Do a full workup, H and P, and lab her up, LP, MRI – [He starts to leave.]

House: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just, ever so subtly, order me to get her medical history?

Foreman: Cuddy put me in charge last week, so yeah.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

House: It was a pretend “in charge”, formality to get past the suits in Legal.

Cuddy: Right, those licensing board folk love to play dress-up and pretend.

Foreman: Hey, no worries. I’ll let you keep your parking space.

House: You can have it. You’ll also need my handicap placard. Bend over.

Cuddy: Well, you make a pretty convincing argument.

House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman’s in charge?

Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here: if Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There’s a flowchart in the lobby. For the next three weeks you answer directly to Dr. Foreman.

Foreman: And I expect you here for grand rounds at nine. By the way, I like sugar in my coffee.

Cuddy: [to Foreman] If there’s a screw-up, it’s your screw-up. You won’t have Dr. House to fall back on.

[Cut to Anica, filling out the patient questionnaire.]

Anica: “Do you wear a seatbelt?” Is that really relevant to a seizure?

House: Skip it.

Anica: How about, “Were you vaccinated for polio?” I think you gave me the form intended for FDR.

House: [looking at races] Will I like Teeny Tiny Moe in the fifth?

Anica: I went 4 for 6 yesterday. You want winners, cure me first. “Are you generally satisfied with your life?”

House: It does not ask that. [It does, and he puts the form aside.]

Anica: You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor. Somehow that question doesn’t seem relevant anymore.

House: What’s your excuse?

Anica: Turns me on.

House: Yeah? What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I’m a doctor, I need to know.

Anica: No sex, just moved here. Haven’t even found a job yet. Don’t know anybody.

House: Came here without a job. That means you didn’t move here, you moved away from somewhere else. [He pokes at the marks on her torso.] Does that hurt?

Anica: No.

House: Are you on prescription meds? Hormones, prednisone?

Anica: I already answered that one, I think it was question number 20-something.

House: Well yeah, and I could reach down and get it, but that would kinda spoil the whole “cool move.”

Anica: I’m not on any medications.

House: You vegetarian?

Anica: No, why?

House: Because you might have something called Cushing’s syndrome, which basically means that –

Anica: My pituitary is overproducing ACTH which is causing my adrenal glands to push too much cortisol into my bloodstream.

House: What a coincidence. I’m a doctor, too.

Anica: Yeah, I had it last year. They did brain surgery, removed an adenoma from my pituitary.

[Cut to the MRI, with a bored looking House and Anica, and a trying (and tried) Foreman.]

House: Huh? What did you just say? “You were right, House, her pituitary tumor regrew, it is Cushing’s, uncanny how you do that….”

Foreman: Actually, it was Cameron’s idea.

House: Nope, Cameron had three ideas. I chose one to encourage, to nurture –

Foreman: Yeah, you’re all about the nurturing.

House: You need a hug?

Foreman: I don’t see any regrowth. You get her medical records faxed over?

House: “Work smart, not hard,” that’s my philosophy, boss.

Foreman: Take that as a no. Anica, I need you to stay completely still.

Anica: Sorry.

Foreman: Still don’t see anything.

House: Okay, so it’s a micro-adenoma, too small to see.

Foreman: So small it’s not even there.

House: Right, it’s just a coincidence that I predicted a rare condition that she happened to have a year ago.

Foreman: Results from her LP back yet?

House: Didn’t do an LP. Knew what she had. [Foreman stops the test.]

Foreman: Go do the LP.

[Cut to House, about to do the puncture, Cameron observing.]

House: Okay, I need you to roll over on your side, kiss your kneecaps.

Anica: Party time. I thought it only took one doctor to do this.

Cameron: I’m observing.

House: She’s here to make sure I don’t paralyze you.

Anica: You’ve done this before, right?

House: Successfully.

Cameron: He’s kidding. He’s an excellent doctor.

House: I’m gonna numb the area with some lidocaine, and then we’re off to the races! See what I did there? I used horse racing jargon to make the patient feel more comfortable. Okay, here we go. [He inserts the needle, Anica starts and gasps.]

Anica: Ow.

House: Felt like bone. Does that hurt?

Anica: A little bit. What are you doing? Owwww.

Cameron: Trying running her back a bit more.

House: You’re perfect just the way you are. Oops, that was all me.

Anica: Ow.

Cameron: You might want to move down one vertebra.

House: This is actually much harder than I remember.

Anica: My chest feels a little tight.

Cameron: Try taking a deep breath. Dr. House, maybe I should take it from here.

House: Eighth time’s the charm.

Cameron: You trying to piss off Foreman, huh?

House: Just let – [alarm beeps]

Cameron: BP’s 240 over 140.

House: Turn that thing off, will you?

Cameron: Take the needle out. Take the needle out!

House: Okay. [to nurse] It’s a hypertensive crisis. Start her on IV lowpresser drip, titrate to systolic less than 140, she’ll be fine. Cameron, meet me in my office.

[Diagnostics.]

House: At the risk of sounding redundant, and right, again, she has Cushing’s. Cushing’s.

Foreman: Right, the fact that you mangled her LP has nothing to do with it.

House: Actually, it has everything to do with it. Cushing’s plus stress equals hypertensive crisis. Smart move, sending the rookie.

Foreman: Her initial symptoms could have been caused by alcohol-induced DIC. She had a hypertensive crisis because it’s been at least six hours since she had her last drink. She’s detoxing.

House: The exact same moment that I’m futilely trying to give her an LP?

Foreman: Right, an invisible tumor on her pituitary is much more likely.

Chase: What if the tumor is somewhere else? There could be an ACTH-secreting tumor on her lung or pancreas.

Cameron: It’s awfully rare.

Chase: Not as rare as an invisible tumor.

House: Why didn’t they put you in charge instead of Foreman? Oh yeah, you’re the guy that killed that woman. Get a pan man scan before she dies of cortisol OD. [He makes a begging, pleading face to Foreman.]

Foreman: Fine, do it. But when you don’t find anything, put her on a Librium taper for the withdrawal and get her a bed in the rehab clinic.

[Cut to Anica going in for the scan.]

Chase: Lungs look clean. Pilar lymph nodes not enlarged.

Cameron: Cuddy tapped Foreman to run the department. I didn’t even get asked.

Chase: Neither did I.

Cameron: You were suspended.

Chase: I was kidding.

Cameron: It’s the irony of women in charge, they don’t like other women in charge. What, you think it’s something else?

Chase: You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House, you slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

Cameron: Yeah, they’re really worried that I’m going to create a hostile work environment.

Chase: Maybe that’s the problem. Being in charge means having to say no to House. Would you hire you for that?

[Cut to House watching monster trucks on the TV in his office.]

Foreman: You ordered MRIs for the entire maternity ward?

House: I was in a crazy mood. Good thing I got a new boss to back me up. Although I think one of those is actually necessary. Better comb through before you cancel them all. [Foreman turns off the TV.]

Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?

House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are, my employee, my subordinate, my bitch.

Foreman: Well, since you asked nicely…

House: My God, I can’t believe I got more than a year behind on my discharge summaries. Gotta get caught up. Oh no, wait! I’m not authorized to sign these anymore! Only you are.

Foreman: Keep it coming. I’m not gonna break. [Chase and Cameron enter.]

Cameron: Scans showed a mass on her pancreas.

Chase: Looks malignant, probably inoperable. I’d give her two months.

House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.

[Cut to Cameron entering Anica’s room.]

Anica: Where’s Dr. House?

Cameron: Dr. Foreman’s overseeing your case. He thought it’d be best if I spoke with you. We found a mass in your pancreas. It looks like cancer.

Anica: So something in my pancreas caused me to have a seizure?

Cameron: Probably, but the bigger point is a one-year survival rate for pancreatic cancer is less than 20%.

Anica: So what’s the treatment?

Cameron: We need to biopsy the mass to see what we’re dealing with, then we can recommend options from there.

Anica: Sounds good.

Cameron: I need your consent to do the biopsy. [Anica signs.] Thanks.

Anica: Wish me luck.

Cameron: Good luck.

[Outside shot, because this episode rams it down your throat that it is SNOWING. Cut to Cameron and Wilson.]

Cameron: It was weird. She barely reacted at all.

Wilson: I’ve had people hug me and people take a swing at me.

Cameron: This was more like she didn’t even hear me.

[Chase and House are doing the biopsy.]

Chase: Magnify three times.

Wilson: House assisting. That is funny. Too bad Foreman’s gonna die.

[Cut to House entering a clinic room, where a young woman/teenager is lying n a bed with her legs up and a sheet over her… you know where this is going.]

House: Good afternoon. I’m going to be looking at your – Perfect. Excuse me. [picks up phone] Need Dr. Foreman in Exam Room 1 for a consult. So when did this start?

Woman: A couple weeks ago. I didn’t want to get pregnant. Jake’s not into rubbers, so I got on the jelly. You think I’m allergic or something?

House: You have an infection. Gonna need a sample.

Woman: I brought the jar.

House: No, I meant a sample of your – [He looks up to see her holding a bottle of strawberry jelly. Oh boy.] Okay, we have a neurological problem here.

Woman: There’s something wrong with my brain?

House: Oh yeah. You can cover yourself up, got what I need. [Foreman enters.]

Foreman: What’s up?

House: Smell this. Smells like vaginosis, but it’s not really my call.

Foreman: Great, I’ll be sure to put a gold star by your name on the board. Anica’s biopsy for pancreatic cancer was negative. [He leaves.]

House: Okay, I’m gonna give you some antibiotics, and you probably shouldn’t have sex for awhile.

Woman: How long?

House: On an evolutionary basis, I’d recommend forever.

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

Chase: The mass in the pancreas is benign, it’s probably just scar tissue.

Foreman: Good news, she’s not sick at all. Other than being an alcoholic.

House: The labs you sent yesterday put her ACTH at 64 picograms per milliliter. She’s got Cushing’s, something set it off. It’s gotta be in her brain, set her up for a Venus sampling.

Cameron: There is another possibility.

Foreman: Chase, hold on.

House: How’d you get him trained so fast? Electronic collar? Got treats in your pocket?

Cameron: She didn’t even read the consent form for the pancreatic biopsy.

Chase: Who reads those things?

Cameron: Maybe she didn’t read it because she knew there was nothing wrong with her. There is another explanation for the Cushing’s, maybe she injected herself with the ACTH. Her behavior suggests Munchausen’s. She’s had four hospitalizations in the last four months.

House: Well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.

Cameron: She’s had zero symptoms since she got here. The scarring on her pancreas could be caused by injecting herself with a benzene and setting off the seizures.

House: She’s had brain surgery. You can fake a stomach ache, you can’t fake a brain tumor.

Cameron: You can fake an invisible one. We should check her apartment. Look for medications, syringes –

House: Venus sampling’s easier.

Foreman: And more dangerous.

House: Not if you get caught breaking in.

Foreman: So don’t get caught, House.

[Cut to the parking lot.]

Cameron: Why do you think Cuddy picked Foreman over me? Have I done something wrong or if there’s something I needed to improve on –

House: Would you shut up if I told you she wanted someone black?

Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?

House: Nonexistent. Otherwise, excellent.

Cameron: There’s more to being a leader than being a jerk!

House: The world will never know. [He goes to his motorbike and turns it on.]

Cameron: No, no way. It just snowed.

House: Yesterday, streets are clear.

Cameron: My car is right there.

House: There’s construction on Elm. Bike will be faster. [Cameron puts on the helmet and gets on behind House.]

[Cut to Anica’s place of residence.]

Cameron: There’s even books in the bathroom.

House: Well, either she’s very smart or she has a severe fiber deficiency.

Cameron: She’s got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors, symptom of Munchausen’s.

House: Or, just thinking outside the box, here, she has a vagina, and trouble reading. There’s three pairs of reading glasses, each with different prescriptions, which would be explained by a tumor pressing on the optic nerve.

Cameron: Because you’re looking for her to have a tumor.

House: And you are looking for…. A person with Munchausen’s syndrome drinks battery acid; they don’t go to an ophthalmologist to get their pupils dilated.

Cameron: An ophthalmologist is a doctor. Attention is attention.

House: How many hospitals have you contacted? Has one doctor said she’s crazy? It’s not Munchausen’s!

Cameron: It’s not your call.

[Cut to House’s office.]

House: If you think she’s got Munchausen’s then obviously you’ve got something to show the man! A syringe in her apartment, a bottle of ACTH.

Foreman: Munchausen’s patients are good at covering their tracks.

House: Oh, right, so the fact that we found nothing proves that there’s something.

Cameron: Look at the pathology reports from the surgery she had in Chicago. They removed 30% of her pituitary, they found no tumor!

Foreman: It’s possible the surgeons just missed it. In that kind of surgery, you’re just cutting and hoping –

House: Of course! We’re both right! Excellent solution. Everybody’s happy. Come on, step up, Foreman. If you think I’m right, order me and stick a needle in her brain, and if you think Cameron’s right, send the patient home. Either she’ll be fine or she’ll die.

Foreman: Do the Venus sampling. Get her consent. [Cameron rolls her eyes and leaves.]

House: Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass.

Foreman: I just agreed with you.

House: Not because you think I’m right. You’re just taking the safe route. You’re a wuss. Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. [He starts to leave.] Hey Wilson, guess what Foreman just did!

[Cut to Cameron entering Anica’s room.]

Anica: Hi. [Cameron places a bottle on the tray.]

Cameron: This is a consent form to stick a wire into your brain. It’s important for hospitals to get these signed for procedures that are completely unnecessary.

Anica: Then why are you doing it?

Cameron: Because you’re mentally ill. You injected yourself with ACTH to induce Cushing’s to get attention from doctors, and so far it’s worked.

Anica: I’d like to see another doctor.

Cameron: I’m not giving you what you want?

Anica: I don’t want a bitch.

Cameron: Just sign the forms, okay, and I’ll get out of here. Hopefully for you, whatever you injected yourself with won’t wear off before you get the fun of a caring and concerned doctor cutting into your head. [Anica grabs the pen and scribbles her name. Cameron leaves. Anica eyes the bottle left on the tray.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Foreman: You chose me to make House miserable, didn’t you?

Cuddy: Apparently, he’s making you miserable. That’s impressive.

Foreman: Find someone else.

Cuddy: No. For the first time in six years I’m getting copied on experimental tests and procedures. Clinic hours have been logged and completed. You’ve given me four months of House’s dictation so I can finally bill insurance companies –

Foreman: I only did that stuff to prove that he couldn’t make me miserable.

Cuddy: Well, way to go! Now everybody’s getting what they need, even House! He gets to play mad scientist and this department runs smoothly.

Foreman: So I’m stuck with this for the next three weeks.

Cuddy: Well, maybe longer. Would you be interested if this wasn’t just pretend?

[Cut to House’s office.]

House: What did Mommy say, I don’t get any candy in my stocking?

Foreman: Patient being prepped for the Venus sampling?

Cameron: Yeah. Mentally ill patient is right on track for a pointless procedure.

Foreman: Yeah, we get your objection. [Phone rings, Chase picks it up and hands it to Foreman.] Foreman. Are you sure? That doesn’t make any sense, check it again. We got to delay the Venus sample.

Cameron: Why, her urine turning orange?

Foreman: How would you know that?

Cameron: Because that’s what rifampin does.

Chase: She’s not on antibiotics.

Cameron: But if a Munchausen’s patient thinks she’s about to get busted, she sees pills labeled “Dangerous: Might cause seizures,” she might grab a couple. And if that label were accidentally on a bottle of antibiotics and if that bottle was accidentally left in her room –

Foreman: You set her up?

Cameron: Might have. It’s Munchausen’s. All this she did to herself.

[Cut to House going through Anica’s files.]

[Cut to Cameron talking to Anica, who is crying orange tears.]

Anica: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about! I had a seizure, I’m sick, I need your help!

Cameron: Not from this department. The half-life of rifampin is three hours, after that you’ll get your psych referral, and your discharge papers.

Anica: You know, just because you stick your fingers down your throat doesn’t mean the rest of us are screwed up.

Cameron: I guess when cooperation fails you move on to hostility.

Anica: I didn’t do this to myself. [Cameron leaves.]

Chase: 100% commitment. Sign of a good liar.

Foreman: Also the sign of a sociopath. What are you doing?

House: Correcting your last note. We can’t discharge her, she’s sick. Anybody ever tell you you right like a girl?

Foreman: What? You got some other explanation for orange urine? It’s Munchausen’s.

House: Correct, but not complete.

Foreman: You just don’t wanna admit that she skunked you.

House: At the end of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” the wolf really does come, and he eats the sheep, and the boy, and his parents.

Chase: The wolf doesn’t eat the parents!

House: It does when I tell it.

Foreman: You’re not telling the story now, I am.

House: Look, I checked her records. All her hospitalizations were for different things. Brain tumor, fainting spells, skin rashes, seizures… she’s had every blood test known to man and the results are all over the map. There’s only one constant, low HCT. The anemia’s real.

Cameron: There’s a million things she could have taken to have done that.

House: True. Could just be her MO. She self-induces two illnesses, one always changes, one never does. Or maybe she has Munchausen’s and aplastic anemia, which would mean without proper treatment she’d continue to get sicker, weaker, eventually she’ll start bleeding internally and die.

Foreman: She’s not getting sicker.

House: She will!

Chase: If her bone marrow was dying the entire blood panel would be affected. Her white count’s normal.

House: So far. We need to do a bone marrow biopsy.

Foreman: No, no more tests.

House: Look, you kick her to the curb with a Munchausen’s diagnosis, you’re guaranteeing that no doctor will ever listen to her again.

Foreman: We do more tests, we’ll only be feeding her psychosis. The more attention we give her, the more she’ll want.

House: What if she doesn’t know we’re testing her?

Foreman: House, you were wrong. Live with it.

House: There’s probably some blood left over from previous tests.

Cameron: Blood tests alone can’t confirm aplastic anemia.

House: Yes, I know. That’s why I want to do a bone marrow biopsy. But blood tests could show a systemic disease, viral or a toxin cause.

Foreman: Fine. You wanna test the extra blood, knock yourself out. But the patient is off-limits.

House: And if the results are positive? I get my biopsy? It’s the safe way to go.

[Cut to the lab.]

House: I need all of these tests and a PCR done on this sample.

Lab tech: You’re gonna need more blood.

House: Patient’s empty.

Lab tech: Then I can’t do it.

House: You can try.

Lab tech: You can try to look like Salma Hayek, it’s not gonna make it happen.

House: You may not have Salma’s ass, but she doesn’t have your eyes.

Lab tech: Yeah, right. How soon you need it?

[Cut to Wilson’s office.]

Foreman: Dr. Wilson, can I talk to you about something in confidence?

Wilson: Of course.

Foreman: It’s about House.

Wilson: Oh, then no. Fine, I won’t say anything.

Foreman: Do you think there’s any way House would take me seriously as his boss?

Wilson: Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?

Foreman: We talked. She intimated.

Wilson: And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It’s very ancient Rome, you’ll need a toga, of course, a sword…

Foreman: It’s not a coup. I just want to figure out some way we can work together. I mean, I keep the team running from an administrative point of view, House doesn’t have to deal with the red tape. It’s a win-win.

Wilson: I’m sure he’ll see it that way.

Foreman: You have any advice on how to approach him? Deal with the guy?

Wilson: No.

Foreman: But you won’t tell him we talked.

Wilson: No. There’s no way this is going to happen. [Foreman leaves.]

[Cut to Foreman in Diagnostics. House enters, singing.]

House: “See him walking down that street, so I ask you very confidentially, ain’t he sweet?” Epstein-Barr titers are through the roof, most common viral cause of aplastic anemia. So what I’m saying is, “Just cast an eye in his direction, oh me oh my, ain’t that perfection –“

Foreman: Fetal hemoglobin’s also elevated.

House: Eh, just a wee bit. Could indicate –

Foreman: Uh, you see that in sickle-cell.

House: Not all sickle-cell patients are black.

Foreman: None of her other blood panels showed any sign of sickle-cell, which means either something’s changed drastically since yesterday, or this isn’t her blood.

House: Of course it is! Metaphorically. Look, I couldn’t do the tests. I tried, there wasn’t enough blood left over. If you just let me do the biopsy…

[Cut to the hallway.]

Chase: No way, I just got back from a suspension.

House: And if it wasn’t for me, you would have been fired.

Chase: Why don’t you just get the sample yourself? Since when do you care what your boss said?

House: I don’t care what anybody says, I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can’t get into the patient’s room. So come on, I’ll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.

Chase: Can’t.

House: Who are you more afraid of?

Chase: I’m not afraid of Foreman. I agree with him, all the tests back him up.

House: All the tests have not been done. You do realize that Blackaparte’s reign is only temporary.

Chase: I also realize that no matter what I do, you’re still gonna treat me like crap.

House: Crap is a relative term.

[Cut to…. Pathology, I think.]

Chase: Never even made it into the room.

Foreman: Nurses called the attending as the trocar was ordered.

House: You used her real name?

Cuddy: I just processed your patient’s discharge papers. She’s on her way out now.

[Cut to Anica, trudging through the snow toward the cab.]

House: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up! It’s all right, she’s going to stay.

Taxi driver: Wonderful.

House: Oh, bite me.

Anica: I don’t need to hear the riot act again.

House: How’d you like another medical test?

Anica: What?

House: Sit.

Anica: Why?

House: So you don’t crack your skull when you pass out. Just do it. You know what colchacine is?

Anica: No.

House: Well, don’t feel bad. It’s for gout. It’s got nothing to do with anything you’ve ever pretended to have.

Anica: I’m not pretending to have any –

House: Shut up. Colchacine decimates your white blood cells, leaves almost no trace. Great for faking your way into hospitals.

Anica: I didn’t fake my way –

House: Shut up. You’ve been doing this for years. Don’t worry, it’s probably not your fault. When you were a kid, you had a close relative with a chronic disease, probably sister. And you saw all the attention she got while you were left alone, ignored, and it really, seriously screwed you up.

Anica: I did not have a relative –

House: Shut up! I’m trying to give you what you want, and save your life. You have aplastic anemia.

Anica: What, are you trying to scare me now?

House: It means you’re not just sick in the head. The problem is, the rest of you appears well, so I’ve got to make you seem as sick as you’re supposed to be by injecting you with a drug that simulates the symptoms that you actually have. All you need to know is, you’ve hit the Munchausen’s jackpot. I’m going to give you a cocktail of insulin for seizure, and colchacine to kill your white blood count. This will absolutely confirm my diagnosis of aplastic anemia. There is one small catch. If you’ve actually done something to yourself to cause the anemia, then I’m wrong, and if I do what I plan to do, then the treatment will kill you instead of saving you. So I need to know, have you been taking anything besides the insulin, the ACTH, and the pills Cameron left in your room?

Anica: No.

House: Good. Give me your arm. [House sticks her with the needle.]

Anica: It was my mom. She had MS. She was in and out of hospitals all the time. People were always trying to do things for her, bring her food or brush her hair, make her happy. People cared. She died when I was 16. Then there was no one.

House: Boo hoo.

Anica: Where are you going?

House: Well, I obviously can’t be around when it happens.

Anica: Well, what are you gonna do, you’re just gonna leave me –

House: Relax. You know the drill. People walk by here all the time, you’ll be fine. [House walks back inside as Anica collapses and starts to seize.]

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

Foreman: So, barely out the door and she has another seizure.

Chase: She must have somehow grabbed insulin on the way out.

Foreman: Once she’s out of here, we need to get her stable before she does more damage to herself.

Cameron: We can’t. Her white count’s down.

House: Sorry, I missed that. My hearing’s been off since the Ricky Martin concert, some chulo kicked me in the head.

Foreman: White count, hematocrit and platelets are all off. The bone marrow’s shutting down, she actually has aplastic anemia.

House: Say what?

Cameron: All her other labs show nothing that –

House: Labs schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.

Foreman: You were right.

House: Hey hey hey, we’re not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There’s no way you could know.

Foreman: I’ll go give her the news.

[Cut to Anica’s room.]

Anica: Who are you?

Foreman: I’m Dr. Foreman, I’m in charge of your case. You have aplastic anemia, which means your bone marrow is shut down. Your body can’t make new blood anymore.

Anica: Are you sure?

Foreman: I went back and checked your old records. It makes sense. The aplastic anemia has apparently been developing for months. I’m sorry, we should have caught it earlier.

Anica: So it’s not just the latest white count that’s leading you to feel this way?

Foreman: I know this is scary, but a bone marrow transplant could cure you.

Anica: A marrow transplant could kill me.

Foreman: The other option is weekly blood transfusions, injections of GCSF. It’s a lifelong regimen.

Anica: Yeah, I don’t want that.

Foreman: You sure? I don’t want to be cruel, here, but you’ve jumped through a lot of hoops to get this sort of attention.

Anica: I just want to be healthy.

Foreman: It’s not so much fun when you’re actually sick.

Anica: No.

Foreman: We’ll check the registry, see if there’s a donor match.

Anica: Thank you.

[Cut to Wilson performing the procedure.]

Wilson: We have to kill all the old bone marrow before we get to the new stuff. You’ll have no immune system. We’ll keep you in a sterile room for two weeks to make sure everything’s dead, then we’ll give you the donor marrow. It will take another couple weeks until it takes hold. You won’t feel a thing. If you get uncomfortable for any reason and need to talk, don’t yell. Walls are four inches thick, lead. Use the microphone. Are you ready?

Anica: Okay. Where’s Dr. House?

[Cut to House looking at the racing stats in Anica’s room. He smells something odd on her pillow, looks for her clothes, and then smells her bra.]

[Cut to House, hightailing it into the procedure room.]

House: Turn it off.

Foreman: Now what?

House: How long has she been in there?

Wilson: Three minutes, what’s going on?

House: She doesn’t have aplastic anemia. She has an infection.

Cameron: No, her white count would be through the roof, hers is on the floor.

House: The body does crazy things.

Foreman: The body does crazy things. Well, that explains everything!

Chase: She had no fever.

House: Because her self-inflicted Cushing’s suppressed her immune system, stopped her from having a fever, hid the infection. Clostridium perfringens could cause the bruising the schistocytes, the anemia –

Chase: Explains everything except the white count.

House: Augmentin is a lot safer than destroying her immune system, why don’t we try that?

Foreman: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re taking the safe course?

House: There’s lots of explanations for low white count.

Cameron: Name one that fits her case.

House: Colchacine. I figured that she got her hands on it and just, uh, self-medicated.

Foreman: That’s brilliant of her. Take the exact medication that would confirm your diagnosis.

House: People do crazy things.

Foreman: You injected her against her will just so you could be right.

House: She consented.

Foreman: She’s mentally ill!

House: She smells oh, so sweet.

[Cut to House confirming his diagnosis on Anica.]

House: She would have gotten sicker when I said she was gonna get sicker except Cameron dosed her with antibiotics. Just hold this.

Anica: Is everything okay?

House: Hold my finger. [He cuts one of her bruises and smells it.] Grapey. You have a bacterium. It’s on all of us, but the bruises you gave yourself with the Cushing’s made it a lovely home. [It’s CGI time!] Bacteria moved in, parked their cars on the lawn, there goes the neighborhood. And by neighborhood, I mean your internal organs. So, should we put her on the Augmentin, boss, or do you think she infected herself with grapes? I love the smell of pus in the morning. Smells like… victory.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Foreman: If you were serious about the offer, I’m serious about accepting. I’d like to run the department. You said it yourself, things run smooth.

Cuddy: Except for the part where House went behind your back and KO’d the patient with insulin and colchacine.

Foreman: There was no reason to suspect an infection. Even House didn’t think it was an infection. You would have done the same thing I did.

Cuddy: And I’d be just as wrong. What House did was insane, but he saved her life.

Foreman: He got lucky.

Cuddy: He got her to admit she’s got a problem. She’s agreed to outpatient treatment. He gets lucky a lot.

Foreman: Did you ever really intend to give me this job, or were you just trying to stop me from stepping down?

Cuddy: Well, you’ve got two more weeks in charge. Hopefully the next case will go better.

Foreman: She should have died. House is not a hero. A person who has the guts to break a bad rule, they’re a hero. House doesn’t break rules, he ignores them. He’s not Rosa Parks, he’s an anarchist. All he stands for is the right for everyone to grab whatever they want, whenever they want. You tell doctors that’s okay, your mortality rate is gonna go through the roof.

[Cut to the lobby.]

House: Kinda digging this whole “Foreman in charge” thing. Frees me up to watch my soaps, catch a movie in the afternoon, have lunch with you…

Wilson: Yeah, that’s a big change for you.

House: Now Cuddy’s on Foreman’s ass, not mine.

Wilson: You couldn’t live with Foreman as your boss.

House: Why not? People could change, you know?

[Cut to Anica at the ER of another hospital.]

Doctor: Your white count is way down. We’re going to need to admit you, just run a few tests.

Anica: Whatever you think is best.

[Cut to House at the OTB parlor.]

House: Last race at Belmont, put it all on the five. To win.


THE END

Season 2 X 08 : The Mistake

Original Airdate: 11/29/2005
Written by: Peter Blake
Directed by: David Semel
Transcript by: Jenna

BEGINNING

(Scene opens on the backstage of a school concert/talent show)

Magician boy on stage: I will astound you! As you see there's nothing up my sleeves. And this hat... just an ordinary old hat. Watch as I wave three times above the hat, and whisper the magic words. And now... [a bouquet of flowers pops out of the hat]

[The camera pans to a side of the stage where a mother (Kayla) is with her 2 daughters (Dory and Nicky). She's fixing one of their dresses]

Dory: Mom it's not working! It's ripped!

Kayla: It's okay baby, it's just a little tear.

Dory: Hurry up, mom!

Kayla: [turns to Nicky] What are you so worried about?

Nicky: Sally's going to make fun of us.

Kayla: Sally Ayerson?

[Nicky nods]

Dory: She said her mom bought her dress as Bloomingdales. You had to make ours. We're going to look stupid!

Kayla: Do you girls remember that music we were listening to yesterday? That lady who sang about respect?

Nicky: Retha?

Kayla: Aretha. That's right. Do you think she had lots of money growing up in Detroit?

Dory: What's Detroit?

Kayla: It's a city. The point is that she's one of the best singers ever. If Sally's mean to you again I'm just going to have to key her daddy's new convertible.

[The girls look confused by this]

Kayla: Do you know what that means? [the girls shake their heads] Good.

[The girls start their performance on stage, dancing and singing. Kayla is now in the crowd watching the performance. Kayla looks uncomfortable and pops a pill, but a second later she starts crying out in pain. Performance stops as she continues crying out loudly in pain]

[CREDITS]

(Six Months Later)

[Stacy walks in through the hospital doors]

Cuddy: Hey.

Stacy: Hey.

Cuddy: Did you speak to Chase and House yet? The disciplinary hearing.

Stacy: The McGinley case. That's not for two weeks.

Cuddy: Tomorrow. Scheduling disaster, you don't want to hear it. You gotta get the boys okay to move the hearing up, and you gotta do that whole legal advice thing.

Stacy: Will you ask someone else?

Cuddy: I'm asking you.

Stacy: Let me work with Chase. House should have separate counsel.

Cuddy: Stop looking for whatever you're looking for. For the last month, House has been crowing that you can't work with him because you're just swooning in love.

Stacy: There is nothing approaching love in what I feel about him right now.

Cuddy: Well if you can't work with him, it amounts to the same thing.

Stacy: [sighs] We had a fight. It's awkward. Why not use another lawyer?

Cuddy: Because 40% of our lawsuits last year were about House. You can't work with him, you can't work here.

(Cut to House and Wilson in House's office playing a game involving tossing a coin over a chain-link of paperclips and into the other's cupped hands - looks fun!)

House: She's over-reacting.

Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.

House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?

Wilson: [scores a coin in House's hands] Yes! And yes.

House: The file got me on the floor of her attic with her pouring out her soul. The only thing I did wrong was get caught. [he tosses the coin and it almost hits Wilson's face]

Stacy: [walking into the office] Where's Chase?

House: He's too busy to service you until after work. I got a couple of minutes though. Feel free to say something like "what'll we do with the time left over?" Or you could just stew. That works as well. [to Wilson] She stews before she gets violent.

Stacy: [throws the pieces of paper on to the table in front of House] This one says you're okay with moving the disciplinary hearing to tomorrow. This one says I've advised you of your legal rights.

House: Uh huh, any legal rights I should know about?

Stacy: Nope. [angrily tosses her pen on to the table, Wilson winces]

House: Great. [to Wilson] And you thought this was going to be awkward. [he signs the papers]

(Cut to Stacy with Chase in a meeting room)

Stacy: You shouldn't sign it. Postponing is almost always the smart thing to do. Tempers cool, memories fade.

Chase: They rule on me it’s done, right?

Stacy: Yeah, but...

Chase: Then let's get it over with [he signs the paper]

Stacy: Have you ever done a peer review before?

Chase: No.

Stacy: Good. Here's a misnomer - these are your bosses. This will cost you some money, some privileges, or it could cost you your career.

Chase: All I can tell them is what happened.

Stacy: There's an objective reality to what happened and that committee is never going to know it. All they're going to know is what they picture happened, which depends a little on what you tell them, and a whole lot on HOW you tell them. May 11th.

Chase: Patient presented to the clinic--

Stacy: What's her name?

Chase: It's in the file.

Stacy: Do you know it? [Chase makes a sign saying of course he does] Then use it.

Chase: Kayla presented to the clinic with multiple joint and stomach pain. Dr Foreman was called in for a neurological consult.

(Flashback scene of Foreman doing a test on Kayla involving her having to point to one of Foreman's fingers and then pointing to her own nose)

Sam (Kayla's brother): What's the point of this, man?

Foreman: Checking your sister's cerebral coordination.

Sam: The thing is in her leg and her stomach. Wait in the clinic for six hours so she can play patty cake?

Foreman: She could have gone to the ER last night.

Sam: Oh yeah? You wanna come over and babysit her kids?

[Stacy's voice cuts into the scene]

Stacy: Ok, patient comes from a family of jerks, I get it. Can you stick to the medicine?

[Back to the flashback. Foreman is looking at Kayla's eyes]

Sam: Something wrong?

[Kayla's was red, looked inflamed]

Chase: There was some uveitis.

Stacy: Meaning?

Chase: Her iris? The colour part of her eye was inflamed.

Stacy: Meaning?

Chase: Worst case, blindness [he's pouring glasses of water for himself and for Stacy]. But there was an upside. It was weird enough to get House interested.

[Flashback scene is now of House and ducklings in the conference room]

Cameron: Young woman, joint pain. Gonorrhea is a possibility.

Foreman: It's probably articular. Maybe rheumatoid.

Cameron: It's typically small joints, it's her knee.

Foreman: Takayasu's arthritis

[House is trying to open his bottle of vicodin, he knocks it against the metal frame of the whiteboard]

House: Get a sed rate and serologies. [keeps struggling as he can't get the lid open] Child proof. How many kids are hopped up on vicodin?

Foreman: Gimme.

House: Right. Like I'd ever get it back. Chase [he tosses the bottle to chase]

Stacy: Don't care about the vicodin.

[The bottle of vicodin freezes in mid-air, and then disappears with a slight popping noise]

[Flashback scene continues]

Cameron: Might not just be her arteries, could be all her blood vessels.

Chase: Vasculitis, with stomach pain... so Bichette's.

Foreman: No, she'd have oral sores.

House: Or genital. [to Chase] Go find them.

[As Chase is about to leave, the flashback freezes]

Stacy: I thought she was Foreman's patient, why did you do the exam?

[Flashback goes back again]

[Chase is now struggling to open the bottle of vicodin]

Foreman: She'd have oral sores.

House: Or genital. Go find them.

[Foreman is about to leave when Chase opens the bottle of vicodin, splattering the pills all over the table]

House: Woah woah Foreman... Chase can handle the pelvic.

[Flashback scene of Chase checking Kayla for genital sores. Kayla looks very embarrassed and has her hands covering up her face]

Chase: Any pain? [Kayla nods] Is it bad? [She looks like she's shaking her head but seems unsure] This will go a little easier if you talk to me.

Kayla: [puts her hands down] I'm sorry. I umm... I just really hate hospitals.

Chase: When I was 12, had my tonsils out. Got to skip school, lots of ice cream, made me want to be a doctor.

Kayla: My mom... died when I was 8 so... I spent months at Princeton General.

Chase: [checks her file] She died of (can't make it out)? Your mom? [Kayla nods] Bottles stashed around the house? Mood swings? That whole deal?

Kayla: You've been there?

Chase: My mom. Dad left, mom crawled inside a bottle. Made for a great Yr 12 of high school.

Kayla: You ok with your dad now?

Chase: No.

[Stacy suddenly cuts into the flashback]

Stacy: Does your dad have anything to do with this story?

[We see Stacy and Chase talking again in the meeting room]

Chase: No, it's just...

Stacy: Okay, I get it, the two of you bonded, which is why you probably haven't been sued. Patients never sue doctors they like. But keep it brief, ok? The panel doesn't like to think they're being manipulated when they're being manipulated.

Chase: She had some ulceration.

Stacy: Confirming Bichette's?

Chase: I gave her some prednisone, an antacid and I ran a pathogy test on her arm, takes 24 hours to confirm. Told her any doctor could check it out.

Stacy: You didn't make an appointment?

Chase: Nope. She just showed up.

[Flashback scene, Chase is talking on the phone at the desk in the clinic, we see Kayla walking into the clinic in the background]

Chase: [on the phone] Uh huh.

Kayla: Dr Chase.

Chase: [putting down the phone, he looks happy and hyped up] Hi. All right, let's take a look. [Kayla pulls up her sleeve to reveal a pustule] Okay, those little pustules means it's positive. Talk to Nurse Previn, get an appointment with Dr Broston in rheumatology. Bichette's is very treatable. You're going to be fine.

Kayla: Okay. Thanks.

[Chase smiles and walks out, scene changes back to Stacy with Chase in the meeting room]

Stacy: And you were just chatting on the phone to someone and she just happened to run into you.

Chase: That's what happened.

Stacy: No appointment? No real examination?

Chase: Just gave her the test results.

Stacy: So, lower standard of care, you really couldn't be expected to notice there was anything else wrong.

Chase: We didn't even go into an exam room.

Stacy: [pause] As your lawyer, I can't stop you from lying, I can't even be in the room, but I would be remiss if I didn't prep you until I'm better. [takes up a piece of paper and hands it over to Chase] You wrote her a prescription, which means there was an examination. What really happened?

Chase: I was on the phone

[Flashback scene starts again with Chase on the phone, only this time, Chase looks rather distraught]

Kayla: [walks into the clinic] Dr Chase? Hi.

Chase: [turns around] Hi.

Kayla: Kayla. I'm here for the test... my arm? [she pulls up her sleeve]

Chase: Oh. [he distractedly puts down the phone] Oh yeah... umm, okay. [he looks at her arm] It's positive. Talk to Nurse Previn, get an appointment with Dr Broston in rheumatology. [he starts to walk out]

Kayla: I took that medicine you gave me? But my stomach still hurts.

Chase: [pauses at the door and turns back looking rather fed up. He digs out his pad and pen and writes her a prescription] Bichette's can be stronger than we thought, or it could be reflux from the prednisone. This is a stronger antacid. [he starts walking out again]

Kayla: Doctor...

Chase: [turns around] Yes?

Kayla: [pauses] Nothing.

[Chase walks out]

Stacy: You didn't ask her anything about the stomach pain?

[Scene goes back to the meeting room]

Chase: I made one little mistake.

Stacy: As little mistakes go, that was a biggie.

(Scene cuts to House and Wilson walking down the corridor together)

Wilson: She's only advising Chase? Not you?

House: Well what's the committee going to do to me? I haven't even met this patient.

Wilson: Your disdain for human interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you. Besides the charts, you're responsible for everything Chase does.

House: Which is why this doesn't matter. She protects Chase, she protects me.

Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [Fakes a VERY bad Australian accent] "I'm so sorry, if only Dr House had paid attention, he'd never even met her, he never does."

House: Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.

Wilson: Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.

House: [is about to enter an exam room in the clinic] You really think Stacy hates me that much?

Wilson: I think right now she hates you more than enough. You think emotion only affects doctor's judgments?

[House pops a vicodin]

(Scene cuts back to the meeting room)

Stacy: Everything stems from that one interaction, they're going to slam you on it. Were you distracted, your problem. Overworked, that's their problem. Forgetful, yours, lazy--

Chase: I just figured the stomach pain was the Bichette's. Any doctor would have thought the same.

Stacy: Then why did you call her an hour after she left the clinic? Nurse Previn said you asked her to have Kayla come back in.

Chase: The way she hesitated I thought she might have had a doorknob question. [Stacy has no idea what that means] Patient comes in, says he's got a sniffly nose, you examine him for 10 minutes right? Then you're leaving, hand on the doorknob, and he says "oh yeah and my penis has turned green".

Stacy: Embarrassing question, only important when patient saves it for last, so you knew she was about to ask the most important question... and you left.

Chase: No. I didn't. I figured it out later.

Stacy: What changed?

Chase: [shrugs] Nothing.

Stacy: Bad answer.

Chase: I wasn't thinking clearly at first.

Stacy: Worst answer. What was her doorknob question?

Chase: I figured it might be blood in her stool, which could indicate a bleeding ulcer.

[Flashback, paramedics are wheeling a bloody Kayla with a gas mask on into the hospital]

Chase: [rushing down the corridor to join them] Talk to me.

((the whole conversation was in a rush so I couldn't catch many of the words here))

Paramedic: 35-yr-old female vomiting massive amounts of blood. (LOC at work?), BP 80 over 20, heart rate 140.

Chase: Push flows?

Paramedic: 3 litres in the field, and we're boosting another one right now. It's gotta be a bleeding ulcer, doc. Co-worker says that she's been eating ibuprofens like candy.

Foreman: I thought she had Bichette's.

Paramedic: 1, 2, 3 [lifts Kayla on to a gurney]

Chase: [prepares a wire and slips it in through Kayla's mouth and into her stomach. We see the camera at the end of the wire move down into her stomach] I'm in her stomach. There's too much blood, I can't see.

Foreman: She burst an artery?

Chase: [We suddenly see the ulcer on the screen] No, there. Bubbling, just a bad ulcer. Cauterizing.

Foreman: Can't see, use more saline.

Chase: Hold on! Okay. [sighs] Looks good.

[House shows up]

Chase: Bleeding ulcer. We got it. She was fine 2 hours ago.

[Alarms start beeping]

Foreman: Systolic BP's 70.

House: Where's the ulcer?

Chase: It's brown. I cauterized it. It must be something else. [he moves the wire around until they see another bleeding ulcer which looks worse than the first] There.

Foreman: Second ulcer?

House: Not anymore. It perforated.

Chase: Get her to an OR!

[Scene cuts back to the meeting room]

Chase: The surgeons were able to suture the perforation. But the contents of the patient's [Stacy looks up at him]... Kayla's stomach had spilled into her body. She got septic.

Stacy: Then the infection lowers her blood pressure...

Chase: 50 over ((something?)) at one point. It damaged her liver and kidneys. Listen, I know this looks bad, I obviously got the diagnosis wrong but I did everything by the book. I couldn't have known what was going to happen.

Stacy: If I skip my coffee I get cranky. Do you want anything?

[Chase shakes his head and Stacy walks out of the meeting room as they take a break]

(Scene cuts to Stacy walking with Cameron down the hallway)

Stacy: Why did Chase screw up?

Cameron: He forgot to ask her a question, does there need to be a reason?

Stacy: It might help him.

Cameron: As far as I'm concerned, he made a little mistake. It happens.

Stacy: How far are you concerned?

Cameron: You think I'm biased?

Stacy: You're colleagues. You've worked together for over a year. And everyone says you slept together.

Cameron: [clears her throat] Who says?

Stacy: The correct answer is "we're not involved and I'm not biased".

Cameron: We're not involved. And I don't know why he messed up. House has worked with him longer than I have. You should talk to House.

Stacy: Yeah. Why did Chase screw up?

(Scene changes, we see she's in a lab, camera pans up and we see she's just asked that question to Foreman)

Foreman: Because he doesn't give a crap about patients.

Stacy: Well he always gets positive patient reviews.

Foreman: Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story.

Stacy: It's a nice story.

Foreman: He still has his tonsils. As soon as he's out of the room, which is as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks not giving a crap makes him like House. Like something to aspire to. [Stacy nods] Am I going to have to testify?

Stacy: I won't be encouraging them to call you.

Foreman: What'd House say?

(Scene cuts to the clinic, patient is coughing)

[House is checking the man out with his stethoscope]

Patient: Two months like this.

House: Let me guess, no insurance. Just heard about the free clinic. It's a good move. You don't want to skimp on the essentials like wristwatches, MP3 players..

[Door suddenly opens, Stacy stands at the door]

Stacy: I need to talk to you.

House: From the doorway?

Stacy: It's confidential.

House: Cool. I love gossip. [he puts the ear pieces of his stethoscope into the patient's ears and lets the patient hear his own lung] Hear that crackling sound like crumpling up paper? Keep listening. Let me know if it changes.

[He sits down on his stool and looks perfectly content to stay there. Stacy walks in and shuts the door]

Stacy: Two questions. Why did Chase screw up and how bad was it?

House: Wow. Talk about efficient. I only need one answer - Chase didn't screw up.

Stacy: He said he did.

House: Well I'm not a lawyer, but that seems like a sucky legal strategy.

Stacy: Look I don't wanna know what you think a reasonable doctor would have done in Chase's position.

House: If I thought he was a 'reasonable' doctor, I wouldn't have hired him.

Stacy: God you two are a couple of geniuses. Deny everything, completely fool the lawyer who's trying to help you. Too bad the review committee members are actually doctors.

[She starts to walk out the door]

House: Stacy.

[She walks back, House sighs]

[Flashback - again we see Chase trying to cauterize the ulcer]

Chase: I'm in her stomach. There's too much blood, I can't see.

Foreman: She burst an artery?

Chase: No. There. Bubbling, just a bad ulcer. Okay, cauterizing. Looks good.

[House walks up]

Chase: Bleeding ulcer, we've got it. She was fine 2 hours ago.

House: If by fine, you mean she had fountains of blood spurting out of every orifice then yeah, I believe you.

[alarms start ringing]

House: I'm guessing those are salvatory bells.

Foreman: Systolic BP's 70.

House: Show me the ulcer.

Chase: It's brown. I cauterized it.

House: Sweep back, show me the whole stomach. [Chase sweeps the camera back] Stop.

Foreman: Second ulcer?

House: Not anymore. It perforated.

Chase: Get her to an OR!

Foreman: Let's go. [the nurses wheel Kayla after him]

[House confronts Chase]

House: She was not fine 2 hours ago. She mentioned stomach pain?

Chase: Yeah, so I gave her a stronger--

House: You didn't do an exam.

Chase: She just came in for a follow-up. The results of the pathogen test.

House: Did you listen to her stomach? Check her vitals?

Chase: Maybe if she'd said something about taking ibuprofen, mentioned the rectal bleeding!

House: Yeah, why didn't she go to med school like you did?! Diarrhoea! Blood in the stool! These are routine questions--

Chase: Doctors skip all the time! It was a minor mistake; I couldn’t have known it was going to happen--

House: Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause! This woman could die because you were too lazy to ask one simple question!

Chase: She might die because I had the bad luck to spill your damn vicodin pills!

[House turns to the camera]

House: And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry, none of which I'm going to testify about.

[Scene cuts back to House and Stacy in the clinic]

House: Unless you convince Chase to row on me.

Patient: Excuse me, testify about what?

House: Uhh... [checks the patient's file] Chuck. I'm going to break from the parable of the wicked doctor and tell a little story about a patient. Let's call him... Buck, who has low O2 stats and crackling lung sounds.

Chuck: Like I have?

House: Buck has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. His lung tissue's turning to rock. There's no known cause, no treatment. He is slowly suffocating.

Chuck: You're talking about me?

House: Lung transplant's about a half a million dollars, but this poor sucker's got no insurance. If he tried to sign up now, he'd be excluded, pre-existing condition. But let me confirm with my lawyer [he turns to Stacy who doesn't respond]. She confirms. If only Buck hadn't been diagnosed with fibrosis before he got insurance. So... back to the exam.

[Chuck looks scared and shocked and wordlessly leaves the clinic]

Stacy: That's how you tell this guy he's dying?

House: Oh relax. He's got a cold, and soon, health insurance.

Stacy: Such a hero. Always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to manipulate.

House: I'm sorry. I didn't realise you and Buck were so close. [walks out of the exam room]

Stacy: It's a point of principle.

House: Right. It's got nothing to do with what I did to you.

Stacy: There's nothing for us to talk about.

House: [takes some lollies from the clinic counter and puts them in his pocket] That's why you're following me. I read some notes--

Stacy: If Chase screwed up--

House: I was wrong. Terribly, terribly sorry.

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?

House: He has great hair.

Stacy: [grabbing on to House's arm to stop him from walking away] What are you hiding?

House: I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...

[Stacy gives up and walks away]

(Scene cuts to Stacy walking back into the meeting room and putting a cup of coffee on the table for Chase)

Stacy: Diarrhoea, blood in the stool. Two simple questions you could have asked her six months ago and averted this whole thing. You didn't ask either, why?

Chase: [folding up his shirtsleeves] Judging from your question, and your demeanour, I assume you were visiting with House. Been over this. I don't know.

Stacy: Good doctors don't make mistakes--

Chase: Good doctors never forget to ask questions? Then you've got your answer, apparently I'm not a good doctor!

Stacy: FYI self-pity generally is not a good strategy in these hearings. What happened after the operation?

[Flashback - Kayla's resting after the op, Cameron and Chase are talking to her brother, Sam]

Cameron: The kidney damage isn't so bad. The liver damage is more worrisome. There's no dialysis for livers.

Sam: I know, but if she loses her liver she can get a transplant, right?

Chase: We can put her on a list.

Sam: I could do it. I could give her part of my liver.

Cameron: Surgeons won't operate unless the donor's had a long time to weigh the decision.

Sam: There's black markets.

Cameron: Those organs---

[They're interrupted by Kayla giving a loud cry of pain from the bed behind him, alarms start beeping]

Kayla: Ooh... ohhh my stomach!

Chase: Are they constant?

Kayla: Ohh... oh yeah!

Chase: Sharp or dull?

Kayla: Oh I don't know!

Chase: It's bad.

[Cameron starts to do an ultrasound and squirts gel on to Kayla's abdomen]

Cameron: It's a little cold. Appendicitis?

Chase: No, it's a clot.

Cameron: Nurse! Call the OR, we've got to prep her for an embolectomy.

Chase: A CVC, PT and a liver panel [calls out over Kayla's moans of pain]

[Cut back to meeting room]

Chase: Sepsis had lowered her BP so much she got clots in her liver. They blocked the hepatic artery, cut off the blood flow. Her liver was shocked.

Stacy: Did Cuddy list her though? With all the other problems?

[Chase nods, flashback - House and Chase in Cuddy's office, Cuddy is looking at Kayla's file]

Cuddy: Forget it. We can't give a liver to a woman this sick.

House: Do you listen to what you're saying?

Cuddy: There is no point in giving a new liver to somebody who also has vasculitis.

Chase: Treatable.

Cuddy: And kidney damage.

Chase: It's healing.

House: You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. [Chase is facepalmming and looking very dejected] Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue, Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those 2 jury-friendly moppets Kayleb and Cody.

Chase: Dory and Nicky.

Cuddy: Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her.

House: That is a medical reason! [Cuddy's confused] The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit, they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.

[Cuddy capitulates]

Cuddy: Start praying for a 12-car pile-up on the turnpike 'cause we're not exactly swimming in livers over here [she signs the paper]

(Cut back to the meeting room)

Stacy: When you're testifying, skip the details on how House convinced Cuddy. I don't think the people who got bumped down the transplant list need to know why.

Chase: It didn't matter anyway.

[Flashback - Chase and Foreman talking to Sam outside Kayla's room]

Sam: She next on the list?

Chase: Yes

Foreman: But she's AB negative. Very rare.

Sam: How long can she go on like this?

Foreman: Probably another day or two.

Sam: [takes a file out of his backpack] I'm donating my liver.

Chase: Sam, we've talked about this.

Sam: I'm a perfect match. 6 out of 6 HLA proteins.

Foreman: How'd you get checked out so fast?

Sam: I know a guy in medical testing and I paid him to rush it.

Stacy: Sam bribed someone to rush his test?

Chase: Wouldn't you?

Stacy: Someone's going to get the blame for what happened, so the more we spread it around... might as well--- you said no surgeon would do a live donor transplant on such short notice.

Chase: House took care of that too.

(Scene cuts to a flashback of House talking with transplant surgeon, Dr Ayersman)

Ayersman: Your patient's hardly clotting.

House: Sub-Q vitamin K and fresh frozen plasma pre-op.

Ayersman: Pretty risky.

House: Well that's why I came to the best transplant surgeon in the hospital. She's dead without you.

Ayersman: [smiles] Get her in this afternoon.

House: [sighs] Thank you very much.

Ayersman: My pleasure

[they warmly shake hands, the scene freezes]

[Scene cuts to Stacy facing House in the clinic exam room again]

Stacy: And this was right before you ran the marathon, I suppose?

House: Was it the part where he warmly clasped my hands in thanks, was that too much?

Stacy: What'd you do to him?

House: The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital lawyer, especially since she's gone all 'old testament' on me.

Stacy: You'll tell me.

House: Oh. Ok then. One caveat, I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If someone backs out then you've still got a threesome [Stacy's glaring at House at this point]. If two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people--

Stacy: Anything you say is attorney-client. So you can get advice about the bad bad thing you did, knowing I'll be tortured because I can't tell a soul.

House: [winks] Actually, it is kinda cool.

[House and Stacy are now transported into a replay of the flashback. They're standing in Ayersman's office even as Ayersman and House are talking about doing the transplant]

Ayersman: Are you completely out of your mind? She's dying on her own, why would I volunteer to be her executioner? [House hands him an envelope] I'd just be inviting a lawsuit from the brother, no matter what! [He opens the envelope, there's money inside]

House: 5 grand. And that's just ante money. After the surgery, you get another 15. Though I warn you, that includes the tip.

Ayersman: [laughs scornfully] I make 600 grand a year, you think I'm going to risk tanking my percentages for 20 thousand? [he throws the envelope down on the table]

House: [shrugs] It's tax free.

Ayersman: For the record, I hope the department takes you and Chase and drop-kicks both your asses out the back door.

House: [nods] Great. [pockets the envelope] Means I don't have to bother welshing on the 15 grand I would have owed you. If you don't do the surgery, [he starts to walk away] I'm going to tell your wife that you've been sleeping with a series of nurses. Currently Nurse Cuttler in Radiology. Now what's 600 grand divided by two?

[House looks thoughtful, Ayersman looks shocked]

House: Last Christmas party, Nurse Cuttler handed you one of those little hotdogs. And you didn't thank her. Well that only happens when you're very very intimate. That and the fact that you've been practically dancing around with your zipper open, used condom stuck in your shoe. [he walks over to pick up a sweet in a bowl nonchalantly] Your wife is apparently the only one who doesn't know.

Ayersman: There is no way you'll tell her.

House: Of course I won't. I'm much too cowardly. [Ayersman looks defeated] No, I'd just send an anonymous letter. Now I've uh... I've got an OR booked for 4 this afternoon. Are you free? [eats the sweet]

[Ayersman closes his eyes and grimaces but nods]

House: Hmm. Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital. But unfortunately, you're the only one who's currently cheating on his wife. [he walks out, passing by the figures of himself and Stacy watching the scene]

[Scene cuts back to Stacy and House in the exam room]

Stacy: You bribed him and then you blackmailed him?!

House: She'd have been dead in 2 days if I hadn't made Ayersman do the surgery.

Stacy: Leave the blackmail out of the story you tell the committee.

House: Tried to leave it out of the story I told you.

Stacy: And then there was that incident in the parking lot.

[Scene cuts to a blond woman in a tight dress keying Ayersman's brand new red convertible]

Ayersman: Hey now! Don't do that! Hey what are you nuts?! Please, please! I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!

[Scene cuts back to exam room]

House: Apparently, someone sent an anonymous letter to his wife.

Stacy: You blackmailed Ayersman before he performed the surgery and then you ratted him out anyway?!

House: Doesn't seem fair, does it?

Stacy: You just can't control yourself, can you? No matter how stupid, how self-destructive--

House: To make this conversation easier, can we discard the fiction that we're talking about anything other than what I did to you? You're not mad because I broke into your psychiatrist's office.

Stacy: Yeah, I was thrilled about that.

House: Okay, it was a lousy thing to do, but if what I'd found was that everything was all kittens and moonbeams in Markville, you'd be over it.

Stacy: No I wouldn't!

House: You're mad at me for letting you know what I did because you liked where things were going. And for that I actually am sorry. It was stupid. [Stacy turns and leaves, House throws his head back and looks fairly heartbroken and dejected]

[turns around to see the patient in the exam room, sitting there with House's stethoscope, probably listening to her own lungs too]

House: Let me tell you a story about a patient. [he takes the earpieces out of her ears] The patient we'll call [checks her file] Fusan.

(Scene cuts to flashback of the organ transplant operation. Chase is narrating)

Chase: Because Sam had rushed his tests, we were able to get them into surgery that afternoon. Dr Ayersman performed the live donor transplant. He ressected the right lobe, hepatic vein, and hepatic artery of Sam's liver, and transplanted it into Kayla. The operation was a success. Kayla and Sam continued to receive routine care. [Chase is observing the operation from the observation deck]

[Scene cuts back to the meeting room] Chase: Two months later, she came by for an exam.

Stacy: July 24th, be precise. You did the exam?

Chase: Honestly, I just wanted to--

Stacy: Honestly? So you've been lying up until now?

Chase: Let's make a deal. I won't use the word 'honestly', and you'll quit stopping by to see House so you don't take it out on me afterwards, how about that? [Stacy narrows her eyes] I wanted to be as far away from Kayla as possible, but House was rubbing my nose in it.

[Flashback - Chase is checking up Kayla]

Chase: How are the girls?

Kayla: They're great. Dory had her first crush, which was cute.

Chase: Oh yeah? [measures her temperature through her ear]

Kayla: And then her first sort of break up, which was not so cute.

Chase: You're hot. 99.3 [checks the pulse in her throat] You been coughing?

Kayla: No.

Chase: Pain in urinating?

Kayla: No. 99's not that high, is it?

Chase: Immunosuppressants block fevers, you shouldn't have one at all. I'm sending a nurse in here to draw cultures, and I'm ordering a chest x-ray.

[Cut back to meeting room]

Chase: I wasn't making any more mistakes.

Stacy: Another phrase to avoid in front of the committee.

Chase: She spikes a fever an hour later.

[Flashback - House and Ducklings in the conference room]

Foreman: Her AST and ALT are up. She's rejecting the liver.

Chase: No, it's just an infection. One of our cultures is growing a strep.

Cameron: Just one? Probably a contaminant.

Chase: She's dehydrated, her haematocrit's way up, it's strep!

Foreman: Transaminases are up too.

Chase: It's just stress from the strep.

House: Please, Chase, you and this strep. Get a room already.

Chase: She's not rejecting the liver! It's just an infection, she'll be fine.

[Sam bursts into the conference room]

Cameron: Worst case we could re-list her.

Sam: [points at House] You House?

House: Umm... well that depends. Are you going to hit [goes to stand next to Foreman and points at him] Dr House? [Foreman looks at House and House stops pointing with an innocent expression on his face]

Sam: You haven't even seen my sister and you're being cute with me?

Chase: Sam, we're talking about her right now. Her fever might--

Sam: Could be Hep B, Hep C, right? It's treatable. You give her interferon, she's ok. Right?

House: You know a lot about hepatitis.

Cameron: He just donated his liver.

House: You're flushed. You sick?

Sam: I'm tired.

House: You're hiding the fact that you're sick. Now why would you do that? [he grabs Sam's right arm which has two tattoos on the forearm]

Sam: Hey, wait, what are you--

House: Now either you specifically asked for a tattoo of a heart that's been left out in the sun too long, or that is a really bad home job. It's a very common way of getting Hep C, which you have. You've had it a long time.

Sam: [looking guilty. Ducklings look shocked] It was going to keep me from giving my liver.

Foreman: You paid off that lab tech to say you were clean?!

Sam: It hasn't been active in years. She was going to die if I--

House: [sarcastic] You paid someone off? That is TOTALLY unethical! Get an MRI for him and his sister right now.

[Cameron and Foreman start to walk out]

Sam: She got Hep from me, didn't she?

House: No! No no no, god no! [serious] I think she got cancer from you.

[Cut back to the meeting room]

Stacy: House was right? [she sounds a little too impressed at that]

Chase: Brother had an undiagnosed hepatoma that was transplanted with his liver. Grew a lot faster in Kayla because she was immunosuppressed.

Stacy: How could House have known?

Chase: Hepatitis can cause liver cancer. Plus her haematocrit, red blood cell count was high. Usually means dehydration, rare cases - cancer. We probably saved Sam's life.

[Flashback - operating on Sam]

Chase: We were able to operate on him early enough before it metastasized.

[Back to meeting room]

Chase: Kayla had already started rejecting the liver.

Stacy: And you couldn't re-list her because of the cancer.

Chase: Nothing we could do.

Stacy: This is good. The brother lying about his Hep. It's an intervening act, the proximate cause of her cancer and not your mistake.

Chase: She would have died six months ago if he hadn't given up his liver.

Stacy: Maybe. Can't prove it. [Stacy’s beeper goes off] You need to come with me.

(Scene cuts to Cuddy's office. House, Cuddy, Chase and Stacy are present)

Cuddy: Just been served with papers. Actually paper. One page. [reads it] Defendant Princeton-Plainsborough hospital and Dr Robert Chase, blah blah blah, medical malpractice, negligence, blah blah.

House: You're surprised they're suing? You think people love Chase so much they're gonna just forgo--

Cuddy: Punitive damages in the amount of 10 million dollars. [passes the paper to Cuddy]

Stacy: Punitives?! That means they're alleging gross negligence.

Chase: Well he's obviously out of his mind!

Stacy: Larry Wusekus. He's not crazy.

House: Ooh! I've been sued by him.

Stacy: You have been hiding things and lying to me all day!

House: I haven't lied about anything. Except for the parts that I admitted I was lying about. And I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny. [He walks around to stand beside Cuddy behind her desk]

Stacy: [sighs] Well, what haven't you told us?

[Stacy, Cuddy and even House are staring expectantly at Chase]

Chase: [sighs] Before she checked out, Sam found her a second liver.

Cuddy: She had cancer, how could she--

Chase: Black market. There was a doctor in Mexico City who was going to do the surgery.

[Flashback - Chase is putting on his jacket preparing to go with Kayla, Foreman and Cameron are trying to stop him]

Chase: She's leaving from JFK at 5.

Foreman: To meet some Mexican guy in the back of a van with a pig's liver and a hacksaw?! This is nuts!

Chase: You want to rat me out to House? He'll say if there's a chance in a billion then go for it.

Cameron: This is not what she wants!

Foreman: She's being manipulated by a morally guilty brother and a legally guiltier doctor.

Chase: You think she wants to die?

Cameron: She's dying either way.

[Chase glares at them and prepares to walk out. Foreman grabs his arm to stop him]

Foreman: Chase. How many people you know walking around with a black market organ from a third world surgeon, huh? This isn't going to be your salvation! It's just one more thing they'll pin on you! Go in there, be the good guy.

[Scene cuts to Sam hurrying around Kayla's room packing her stuff. Chase walks in looking sombre. Kayla's sitting up on her bed. She looks pale and very sickly]

Chase: We need to talk.

Sam: No, there's no time.

Chase: Two minutes. Kayla, I made a mistake. I wasn't as blunt as I should have been about you (all the time?) Probably didn't want to face it myself.

Sam: Dr Chase, please don't do this.

Chase: Stress of the travel, the operation, even then, the cancer.

Sam: Kayla, we are going!

Chase: My dad died. Lung cancer. I saw him a couple of months before it happened, we never talked about it.

Sam: I'm sorry your father died, but it has nothing--

Chase: [not paying any attention to Sam] He never even told me he was sick. I wish he had. It wou-- [he stops and takes a deep breath] You're gonna die. Alone. Thousand of miles from your children, you don't want to do that to them.

[Kayla nods and looks at Sam]

Sam: Kayla...

Kayla: [whispers] I'm sorry Sam.

Sam: Kayla, you can't give up. If you do this, if you go home... I killed you.

Kayla: [shakes her head] No. You gave me 3 months. You gave Dory and Nicky 3 more months with me. And when they found my cancer, they found yours. And I got to save my baby brother

[Sam and Kayla start to cry and hug each other]

Chase: A week later, Kayla died at home. Sam was furious. Gotta be why there'd be a lawsuit.

Cuddy: Are you buying this?!

Stacy: Of course not, there was no illegal transplant, there's no causation.

Chase: He was ready to kill me! Maybe he's lying to his lawyers.

Stacy: Or you're lying to us. Last thursday he saw you for post-op care. If you hate your doctor, you find another doctor before you find a lawyer. This guy didn't sue Cameron or Foreman. He didn't even sue House. Something personal here, something you don't want us to know before your hearing. The guy didn't hate you before that meeting, he hated you after.

[Flashback - Chase is doing a check-up on Sam]

Chase: So how's everything else? The girls?

Sam: Ah, you know... a lot of crying. Some nightmares. [Chase finishes the check-up, Sam sits up and buttons up his shirt] We'll be ok though.

Chase: Good.

Sam: Girls are not going to be happy about leaving town though. They love that house. The yard, their friends.

Chase: You're moving?

Sam: Ever since the operation I've been on disability and there's the mortgage so... moving out to stay somewhere cheaper. Anyways, thanks. [he shakes hands with Chase. As he starts to walk out...]

Chase: I killed your sister. I mis-diagnosed her ulcer. Killed her.

Sam: Shut up man. She liked you, just--

Chase: I was hung-over when she came back to see me. I'd been up half the night drinking, had a headache, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Couldn't care less what your sister was saying about her stomach pain.

[Sam angrily sweeps medical instruments off a table, Chase flinches]

[Scene goes back to Cuddy's office. Cuddy and Stacy are silent]

House: May I speak to my future former employee?

[House and Chase are talking alone together outside Cuddy's office]

House: Great story.

Chase: You think I'm lying? It's exactly what I told him.

House: I'm sure it is. But you lied to him. You want him to sue you.

Chase: I killed his sister!

House: I ordered black coffee this morning and got cream. Everybody screws up.

Chase: They didn't put poison in your coffee.

House: I've seen you hung-over. You weren't the day you blew his sister's diagnosis.

Chase: What does it matter why? Is she less dead if I have a good excuse?

House: If I thought you'd screwed up because you were drunk, I would have fired you.

Chase: You knew?

House: You were depressed and distracted. I assumed you'd gotten a phone call from your step mom.

[Flashback - to the scene where Chase picks up the phone in the clinic again, this time before Kayla walks in]

Chase: [on the phone] This is Robert. [He starts to get visibly distressed] Umm... what did he die of? [pause] That's impossible. I saw him two months ago, if he had lung cancer, he would have... [he doesn't bother to even say goodbye as he takes the phone away from his ear, his eyes start to fill with tears]

Kayla: [from behind] Dr Chase?

[Chase puts down the phone]

[Cut back to House and Chase]

House: Good news is, both your parents are dead now so... no reason to screw up this bad again.

Chase: How'd you know?

House: There's this interconnected network of computers, or interweb where you can--

Chase: How did you know to look?

House: [sighs] When he visited he told me he only had two months left. When you screwed up I did the math.

Chase: Why didn't you tell me he was dying?

House: He asked me not to.

Chase: [getting angry] So you just hung me out there to be blindsided.

House: [softly] Yeah Chase, it was all my fault. Look, you got a choice. You can either tell the truth, hospital settles, family gets some money, they get to keep their house. Or you can keep up this lie, family gets punitive damages, they buy a jet, they move to park avenue, and you have to find another career.

Chase: You're not going to say anything?

House: I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Legally, it's better for me if you go down in flames.

(Scene cuts to House in a very nice grey suit and tie twirling his cane waiting in front of the room where Chase is going through his meeting with the disciplinary board)

[Stacy walks up and sits down next to House]

Stacy: Is Chase telling the committee about his dad?

House: I don't know. I thought you were going to get him to sell me out.

Stacy: I wouldn't do that.

House: Why not?

Stacy: You're my client too.

House: Yeah. And that's not going to change unless you leave this job. Or I do. So how do you deal with a coworker that you have feelings for - positive or negative. I don't want to end up like Chase, I don't want to get emotionally caught up and kill... you.

Stacy: It's not all negative.

[House looks up at her hopefully]

Stacy: Maybe you were right... maybe that is the problem.

House: So what do we do?

Stacy: [shakes her head] I don't know.

[A doctor opens the door and invites House into the room]

Doctor: Dr House

[Scene cuts to House sitting next to Chase as the committee give their ruling]

Head Doc: After considering the testimonial and documentary evidence, this committee in the matter of Kayla McGinley has reached a decision. Dr Chase, your error resulted in a patient's death. You also lied, both to your superiors and the patient's brother. But taking into account the mitigating factor of your father's death, we've decided not to revoke your privileges. You'll receive one week's suspension, and a letter in your permanent file. [Chase looks relieved] Now as for Dr House... there is no evidence of a failure to supervise that would lead to disciplinary action. And yet, there is enough in the record to be very troubled by your conduct, [House starts to look up in surprise] including certain allegations of black mail [he rolls his eyes] from members of the transplant team. And by your general refusal to meet with your patients. It should be noted that your patient's cancer was diagnosed as the result of a direct physical examination of---

House: Not of the patient, I met the brother. Never met her. You want me to go to a family reunion every time I take on a patient?

Head Doc: The committee has determined that for no less than one month, Dr House will have his practice supervised by another doctor, to be designated by Dr Cuddy. This proceeding is adjourned.

[Everyone starts to leave, House continues sitting there in shock]

(Scene cuts to House walking into the conference room where Cuddy and Wilson are waiting with the Ducklings)

[House yanks his tie off as he enters the room]

House: [to Cuddy] Did you know this was coming?

Cuddy: They contacted me about an hour ago.

Cameron: What's happening to Chase?

House: [to Chase as he walks in] Now you're fired!

Foreman: No, he's not.

Cuddy: Dr House, meet your new boss.

[Everyone turns to look at Foreman]

Wilson: [pointing to Foreman] Guess I'm his best friend now.

[House's smile turns speculative and there's a challenging gleam in his eyes]


[THE END]

Season 2 X 07 : Hunting

Original Airdate: 11/22/2005
Written by: Liz Friedman
Directed by: Gloria Muzio


BEGINNING

[Morning, Wilson and House are talking at House's apartment/home]

Wilson: My offer's withdrawn, you can walk to work.

House: Got it, you're morally outraged. Now can we get through this part? 'cause the next part's awesome.

Wilson: How do you rationalise something like this? You broke into Stacy's therapist's office--

House: Borrowed a key.

Wilson: --and stole her treatment notes!

House: Nope! I made copies. Mark is, and I quote [Wilson groans] "Withdrawn, passive-aggressive, won't communicate, like he resents me because I can walk".

Wilson: I don't want to hear this.

House: Dishes in the sink, toilet seat up. Meanwhile, she can't stop thinking about [walks up to Wilson and shows him the notes] I can't read that, is she obsessed with a Grey Horse? Or me?

[Wilson takes a look at the notes reluctantly]

Wilson: It says she thinks you're an annoying jerk [throws the notes on to a table]

House: It's a pet name [picks the notes back up] here's the kicker. [shows the notes to Wilson again. Wilson reads it again with interest]

Wilson: They're not having sex? [House and Wilson share a look]

[Cut to House and Wilson walking out the door]

House: Doctor cleared him, but no liftoff. She's frustrated so she's doc-blocking me. Paperwork, seminars, meddling with my patients.

Wilson: Great, now you've got the proof you need. Just take those personal psych records to Cuddy, that'll show her Stacy's out of control. [House turns away, looking for something] You ignoring me?

House: While looking for my newspaper, efficient huh?

Kalvin: Over here! [camera pans to a young man leaning against the back of Wilson's car reading House's newspaper]

House: [sighs] Dr Wilson, I want you to meet my stalker.

Kalvin: Your waiting room sucks.

House: I am not treating you.

Kalvin: What, because you're a closet-case? [gives House and Wilson a pointed look]

Wilson: Err... we're not... err... together.

House: [turns around to give Wilson a look] He is so self-loathing [grabs the newspaper off Kalvin] Well, we've got to go now, so maybe see you after work--

Kalvin: No no no! Ah... [pushes his file into House's hands] nobody can figure out what's wrong with me.

House: [doesn't bother to look at the file] Well your shirt is gaping at the collar, means you lost weight, you're flushed, that's fever, and you're short of breath. And finally there's the KS lesion on your face. Means you're HIV positive, you've progressed to full-blown AIDS. So you're sick because your immune system is shot and someone sneezed on you [shoves file back to Kalvin] am I excused now?

Kalvin: Brilliant, but, [grabs the end of House's cane] my immune system is fine.

House: Your concentration and physique begs to differ. Get your T-cell count re-checked.

Kalvin: I've already done that.

[House and Kalvin start pulling at both ends of the cane trying to stop each other]

Wilson: They test for T-cell lymphoma?

Kalvin: It was negative.

House: All of this will be fascinating to an HIV specialist. Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.

Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file.

House: Congress says you can't, so...

[They continue pulling at the cane until House suddenly lets go. Kalvin falls back against Wilson's car, tripping the alarm. He looks like he's in shock and can't breathe as he starts falling to the sidewalk. Wilson rushes up to Kalvin and checks his pupil]

House: I didn't touch him.

Wilson: He's going into anaphylactic shock.

[CREDITS]

(Cuddy's office)

Cuddy: Go see Stacy.

House: We gave him epi, he's fine.

Cuddy: You need a lawyer, go see Stacy. You hit a patient.

House: Four words, two mistakes. He's not a patient, and I didn't hit him.

Cuddy: Of course you didn't, go see Stacy. House: I didn't cause the anaphylaxis. It's probably one of his HIV meds abacavir.

Cuddy: I'll pass that along, make sure the ER takes him off it. Go see Stacy.

(Cut to Stacy's kitchen)

Stacy: You have to treat him.

House: Medically this case is a snooze-fest. AIDS plus infection.

Stacy: You don't treat him he charges you with assault.

House: Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch, [looks up at the ceiling] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders. [nothing happens] See? [Stacy hands him a mug of coffee] Although I like my chances of some action this morning.

Stacy: I forgot Wednesday was hooker day. This could've waited!

House: You make me meet you at your house, your husband is conveniently absent.

Stacy: Mark's at physio, I'm stuck waiting for the exterminator. [House gives a questioning look] I saw a rat last night.

House: Well, I'm surprised your feet are touching the floor.

Stacy: I barely slept.

House: [takes off his jacket] What was Mark up to? Memory serves, quick climb up Mt. Gregory and you dozed through a seal hunt. Clubbing, shrieking. [walks to the sink and starts washing the dishes]

Stacy: What're you doing?

House: Sorry, it's driving me nuts.

Stacy: You hate washing dishes.

House: People change. I could make sure you sleep like a baby tonight.

Stacy: Rather take care of that myself. [walks up to the sink to help House]

House: I was referring to the rat.

Stacy: Trenton Pests is sending a guy.

[Suddenly in the middle of the domestic bliss--]

Mark: What's going on?

[House drops everything and turns around looking rather guilty]

House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes but actually, we're having sex. Stacy: We're working.

Mark: Wow, wish I'd become a doctor. Place would be spotless. [smirks and wheelchairs himself away]

Stacy: Take ten minutes, cure the guy, and stop whining. [walks after Mark]

(Cut to House walking into the conference room)

House: I give you Kalvin Ryan. So flamboyant in person, so boring on paper. Obviously got an opportunistic infection, probably TB or PCP.

Foreman: Have you read his file?

House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional

Foreman: He went to a HIV clinic last week. Tested negative for TB, PCP, MAC, CMV, HSV. It's not an infection.

[The ducklings follow House into his office]

House: HIV clinic. So few patients, so much money [sorts his mail] re-do the tests.

Cameron: The results make sense, Kalvin's T-cells are at 200, that's strong enough to fight infection

House: Fine, parasite.

Chase: Nope, stool sample was negative.

Cameron: Two months ago, he was down to 30 T-cells, then he changed his meds, his immune system rebounds, his viral load drops, everything's getting better but he's getting sicker.

Foreman: Face it, this might be an interesting case.

House: What if his immune system is too strong.

Cameron: An auto-immune disease with HIV, that's impossible.

House: His new HIV meds kicked his system out of a sound sleep. Wakes up hungry, cranky, spoiling for a fight. When it doesn't find an active infection, starts attacking the harmless remnants of old infections. Immune reconstitution syndrome.

Foreman: His meds made him so much better, he made himself sick. Sounds pretty--

House: BORING! This is so not interesting. Chest X-ray and find the old infections, start him on steroids.

[Ducklings walk out, House gives up on the mail and dumps all of them into the trash can]

(Cut to House and Wilson searching for meds in a room stocked to the shelves with them)

Wilson: If you're wrong, steroids will tank his immune system. He'll get worse.

House: Now THAT would be interesting. Where's the coumadin?

Wilson: If your patient's got a blood problem then blood thinners aren't exactly--

House: It's for Stacy's rat. Death by anti-coagulation [reaches for a bottle]

Wilson: Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal... very caveman.

House: I don't want her back, I just want her to admit her feelings for me. I go to Cuddy, Cuddy fires her or re-assigns her. Either way, I'm happy.

Wilson: [pinches the bridge of his nose] If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up, and cry yourself to sleep like everybody else.

House: [picks up the phone] Hi, this is Mark Warner, 1724 Spring street. Listen, you don't need to send that guy down, we caught him. No, you should send the bill to Princeton-Plainsborough hospital. Attn: Dr James Wilson, yeah. [puts down the phone]

[Wilson nods thoughtfully and rather acceptingly but also seems to have been left speechless]

(Cut to Cameron and Chase with Kalvin)

Cameron: [hand under the blanket] Your lymph nodes aren't swollen. That's good.

Kalvin: Maybe Dr Chase should check.

Chase: Sorry mate, hands full.

Kalvin: He's too pretty to be straight. You ever done any modeling?

Chase: Does anyone actually fall for that line?

Kalvin: Everyday. Why do you think I became a photographer? I'm guessing you guys didn't think about dating on career day.

Cameron: I love my job.

Kalvin: Really? You seem more the 'find it exceptionally satisfying' type.

Cameron: I'm not sure there's a difference. Your mom died of diabetes, how's your dad's health?

Kalvin: Last I heard, he had cirrhosis. Love, is love, satisfying is social validation, fun can wait.

Cameron: I have fun.

Chase: Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February. Last you heard? Your father?

Kalvin: He threw me out when I was 16. It's just as well, I got tired of getting BB guns for my birthday when I'd asked for a Barbie.

Chase: Dads can be real sweethearts.

Kalvin: Mmm, sensitive, AND cute.

Cameron: He's cute

(Cut to Stacy's attic)

Stacy: It ran into that heating vent right there.

House: Hopefully Mark's anger will go away eventually.

Stacy: He's not angry, just doesn't like you. Nothing unique there.

House: Didn't seem really wild about you either.

Stacy: He's fine with me.

House: He's angry. Said so in group.

Stacy: Of course he's angry, he's looking at months of painful physio

House: [smells a ball of cheese he brought wrapped in foil] He's mad at you.

Stacy: There's no way he said that.

House: [sighs] No, but it's true. He resents you for being able to walk. Been there. I resented you for hell of a long time.

Stacy: Past tense?

[House's cell phone starts to ring. He doesn't pick it up. House and Stacy keep staring at each other]

Stacy: Might be the hospital [she walks out]

House: [picks up the cell phone] What!?

[Ducklings are sitting in House's office, the phone in the office is on speaker]

Foreman: Bad time? Where are you?

House: At your girlfriend's place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking.

Chase: His lungs are too scarred to tell which infection triggered the immune reconstitution.

House: He a smoker?

Cameron: Yes, and possible more than cigarettes. His tox screen came back positive for recreational drugs.

House: Not surprising. Not medically relevant.

Foreman: His heart looks a little enlarged.

House: That's a typical side-effect of AZT. What are Kalvin's most recent infections?

Chase: Toxo, CMV and PCP.

[House looks up to find the rat a few feet away from him, squeaking and handling a ball of cheese]

House: [whispers into the phone] Well let's assume it's one of those. Give him Ganciclovir for the CMV...

Foreman: Woah, we can hardly hear you. Where are you?

House: In a closet. Your girlfriend's other boyfriend showed up. Ganciclovir for the CMV, Sulfadiazin for the Toxo, Bactrim for PCP. Gotta go, it's killing time [puts down the phone]

[He slowly tries to reach for his cane on the floor, then slowly raises it when suddenly the rat turns his head in a very awkward-looking 90 degree twist. House's head slowly turns the same way, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Such a cute scene!]

(Cut to the hospital)

Cameron: Your tox screen came back positive for--

Kalvin: Crystal meth aaand ecstasy.

Cameron: Recreational drugs are dangerous to begin with, but for someone with HIV...

Kalvin: I didn't mistake them for vitamins. I'm a P&P boy. Party and Play. Drugs and sex. [starts coughing] You don't approve?

Cameron: Does the sex include condoms?

Kalvin: If he's negative, sure. If he's positive [shrug]... why put on a raincoat if you're already wet?

Cameron: You could get hepatitis or another strain of HIV.

Kalvin: Or I could get hit by a bus.

Cameron: AIDS isn't a death sentence anymore.

Kalvin: I don't want to have any regrets [starts violently coughing again]

Cameron: How long have you been coughing?

Kalvin: About an hour or so.

Cameron: [pours him some water] try to take a deep breath.

[Kalvin checks the hand he's been using to cover his mouth]

Cameron: What is it?

Kalvin: I think its blood [he starts coughing again and splatters blood on Cameron's face]

(Cut to Cameron with another strange doctor)

Doctor: I recommend post-exposure prophylaxis. Your chances of conversion are slim, but I'd like to put you on three antiviral medications. Finavir, zidovudine and lamivudine. There are side-effects - headache, nausea, vivid dreaming. You'll be tested for HIV in 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months... [his voice starts to fade away as the background music becomes louder]

(Cut to House's office)

[House is bouncing a blue ball against a wall]

House: Very interesting.

Foreman: He coughs infected blood in Cameron's eyes and mouth, that's interesting?

House: The coughing part, not the in Cameron part. New symptom, blood vessel ruptured in his lung.

Chase: I closed the tear.

House: Well it takes immune reconstitution off the table. What's it put on the table? [Chase and Foreman are silent] Its ok, she's not here. You can skip the nice guy acts.

Foreman: You know some human beings are actually capable of human feelings.

House: My giving a damn or not is not going to change what happened.

Chase: Could be Kaposi's Syndrome.

House: No edema, no blood in urine.

Foreman: KS on his face could mean KS in his lungs, with bleeding from the lesions.

Chase: I would have seen them when I repaired the tear in his lung. Wegener's granulomatosis?

[Cameron walks in, she's in scrubs]

Cameron: Wegener's would have responded to the steroids.

Chase: Maybe you should go home, take the rest of the day [he puts a hand on her shoulder, she shrugs it off]

Cameron: I'm fine.

[House looks at them speculatively]

House: Oh this is good, he's pretending to care, you're pretending not to.

Cameron: I think we should reconsider drugs. Kalvin uses crystal meth.

House: Concerned enough about his health to stalk me while indulging in deadly street drugs. [takes a vicodin] Study in contradictions. Interesting. Still not medically relevant.

Cameron: It could be, if his drugs were tainted. They cook meth with battery acid, lye, lantern fuel...

House: Find Kalvin's pills, test for toxins [Ducklings start to walk out] Foreman, you're with me.

[Foreman follows House out of the office]

House: I need a consult on another case.

Foreman: You have another case?

House: It's a hip-pocket deal. Patient presents with a distinct neck tilt.

Foreman: (mumbles something to himself that I can't make out) Is he an athlete?

House: He's a regular runner.

Foreman: Any pain associated with movement.

House: None that he's complained of [they reach a vending machine, House gestures for Foreman to hand him some coins which Foreman does automatically]

Foreman: Best case scenario, an infection in the ear or lungs. Worst case, brain stem tumour. Should do an MRI, CAT scan, full work-up.

House: Uhh..I don't think so [gets his drink from the vending machine] No insurance.

(Cut to Cameron and Chase searching Kalvin's hotel room)

Cameron: [closes a drawer next to his bed] No drugs in here. I'll take the bathroom.

Chase: How about a drink after work? Take your mind off what happened [silence] Cameron?

Cameron: I might have HIV, a drink's not going to wash it away.

Chase: [searching the wardrobe] There's like zero chance of you contracting the virus.

Cameron: Big difference between 'like zero' and 'zero'.

Chase: What did the infection control guy tell you?

Cameron: He was very reassuring, kept reminding me that the hospital covers all my medical costs. Apparently forgot to mention that if I do test positive, that they'll pass it on to legal and legal will dig up any dirt they can trying to prove that I'm a drug user or tramp, and that's why I have HIV.

Chase: It's not like they're going to find anything, right?

Cameron: Right.

Chase: [finds something] Check this out.

(Cut to Cameron and Chase walking after House as he's on his way to clinic)

Chase: Kalvin's a photographer. The broken bulbs were props. Glass is from 1930's fluorescent.

Cameron: Some of the bulbs have date stamps.

Chase: Pre-World War 2 fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis

House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart. Cameron, get a biopsy of Calvin's lung tissue. I want a spectrographic analysis.

Chase: I can handle it.

House: No reason to risk exposing the entire team. Then who would I torment?

[Cameron walks off]

(Cut to Cameron performing the biopsy)

Kalvin: I'm sorry. About what happened.

Cameron: It's best not to talk. You're going to feel a sharp pinch. This actually is going to grab a piece of your lung.

[She inserts a metal instrument in, CGI shows it grabbing lung tissue]

Kalvin: What were you guys looking for at my hotel?

Cameron: Your drugs. Thought maybe you'd used toxic meth. We'll know if you're exposed to beryllium in a few hours.

Kalvin: Well if you're still curious, it's in my bag over there on the chair.

Cameron: You brought drugs into the hospital?! Glad I wasted my time at your hotel

Kalvin: I told you I used, you didn't ask me for a sample. You're not pissed about this, you're mad because I coughed blood on you.

Cameron: That was an accident.

Kalvin: Oh, would you stop being nice! It's useless and worse, it's boring. Get angry! I had one stupid night, I end up with HIV, do you have any idea how pissed off I was?

Cameron: This wasn't your fault.

(Cut to Stacy's attic)

Stacy: [rushes in to find House sitting in the middle of her attic] You broke into my house?

House: Why I had to, Mark isn't here.

Stacy: He has physio.

House: Oh really? How's he doing?

Stacy: What happened with all the cheese?

House: I had to get rid of it before Steve McQueen ate any coumadin. I named your rat [Stacy gives a look of disbelief]. Steve's tilting his head. Any neurologist will tell you that suggests an infection or brain stem tumour.

Stacy: Death cures both those things.

House: Well we can't kill him. If it's an infection, it could be caused by something in your house, something that could affect you guys [he scrapes something off the floor and goes to sit beside Stacy]. Smell this [Stacy sniffs it] does it smell like urine?

Stacy: Oh! [she turns away in disgust]

House: [sniffs it] You missing any asparagus? Ok, stuff these [hands her a bottle of antibiotics], he doesn't get better, then it's a tumour.

Stacy: Then what? Chemo?

House: Steve McQueen without hair? [shakes his head] It's a blessing he died young. [they both smile]

[Stacy's cell phone rings]

Stacy: Hello. Oh, hi honey. I'm sorry I missed you, yeah, I came home. Alright, I'll see you in a few minutes, okay, bye hun.

[House quickly walks out of the attic and is gone by the time Stacy looks for him. He walks past the toilet and lifts the toilet seat up with his cane]

(Cut to the hospital)

[Alarms are beeping]

Kalvin: Chest hurts!

[Foreman and Cameron rush in with scrubs on]

Foreman: He's a hundred and climbing, could be an allergic reaction.

Cameron: Neck pains are out, must be pericardial effusion. [Checks with her stethoscope] No wheezing

[Kalvin looks like he can hardly breathe]

Foreman: Tear in his lungs must have re-opened.

Cameron: Kalvin, you're bleeding into the area around your heart.

Kalvin: I'm dying? I can't breathe!

Cameron: The blood's crushing your heart, once we remove it, you'll be fine.

Kalvin: If I die, please... tell my dad--

Cameron: You're not going to die.

Kalvin: --tell... him... sorry- [he slips into unconsciousness]

[Foreman takes a big syringe and starts trying to suck out the liquid around his heart but it's clear and not red]

Cameron: Where's the blood? It's clear.

Foreman: Only one other thing could cause this. Tumour in his heart.

(Cut to House, Wilson and Ducklings in the conference room)

Wilson: CT confirmed a mass in Kalvin's heart and several smaller ones in his lungs.

Foreman: That's why his heart's enlarged, not the AZT.

Wilson: [looking at Cameron] You ok?

House: She's fine, probably getting bored with the question. Masses in the heart and lungs, what kind of cancer are we looking at?

Cameron: They may not be cancerous.

Wilson: This is classic Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. HIV positive patient with a primary heart mass.

Cameron: It could be sarcoidosis.

Chase: His lung tissue is negative.

Cameron: Lymphoma's a death sentence, sarcoidosis is treatable.

House: So's an ear infection, but since he didn't test positive for that either...

Cameron: I wanna do the Kveim-Siltzbach test.

House: [splutters] Do you have any idea how much paperwork Cuddy is going to need signed? [Cameron doesn't budge, House seems to like that idea a lot] Do it

[Everyone leaves, Cameron is still gathering her stuff]

House: So... how is the patient's father?

Cameron: Uh...

House: Tell my dad I'm sorry? Might as well wave the red flag at a bull

Cameron: He's not coming.

House: Well it's not a tragedy, dad doesn't want to see him, he doesn't want to see the dad. You're the only one who wants them together

Cameron: He asked!

House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie too. Wish they'd work less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.

Cameron: What did you say when you thought you were dying?

House: [pregnant pause] On the other hand [Cameron sighs, not getting an answer as usual], his dad tossed him out. So what's our guy want to apologise for?

Cameron: Everybody has regrets.

(Cut to Cameron performing a test)

Cameron: The growths in your lungs and heart are sarcoid, your body will recognise this material and we'll see a reaction on your arm [injects something]. Did you really want to see your dad?

Kalvin: Did you call him? [Cameron shakes her head] Thanks. He would have come, try to straighten me out. How are you holding up?

Cameron: I'm fine.

Kalvin: Convincing. What did you do with my drugs?

Cameron: The lab disposes of them after analysis.

Kalvin: Too bad. They could have done you some good.

Cameron: Not really my thing.

Kalvin: You know I hope you don't have it, but getting HIV might have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I used to be a good boy. Never wanted to piss anybody off... playing by the rules makes everybody else happy. Now I'm happy [he and Cameron share a smile]

(Cut to Wilson in House's office at night)

Wilson: So you just show up every time he's at physio?

House: 'course not! Also when he's at group therapy, or out for dinner with friends.

Wilson: And when she happens to mention to Mark that you dropped by...?

House: You tell your wife everything?

Wilson: It's a... process [sigh]. But Stacy doesn't have any reason to hide this from Mark [follows House out of the office] As far as she knows, Mark's okay with you being there

House: My bet is she mentions me to Mark as little as possible, 'cause she thinks that he thinks that she still has feelings for me. And you know why she thinks that?

Wilson: Because she still has feelings for you? [deadpan voice]

House: If you're right, she did tell him, and I don't get through the door tonight. But if I'm right... [House gets into the elevator, the door closes]

(Cut to Stacy's attic at night. House and Stacy are lying next to each other looking very comfortable, waiting for Steve McQueen to walk into the mousetrap)

Stacy: So how long do we stay here?

House: 'Til something happens.

Stacy: He's not going to come out with us right here.

House: We are downwind, and he seems to have hearing loss.

Stacy: He's not blind.

House: Steve McQueen does not run from danger. Antibiotics on the other hand... [he picks one up from the floor]

Stacy: He ate around the pill? Smart!

House: Admit it, you like him.

Stacy: He's alright... for a rat

House: You wanna now how cool he is? His urine showed traces of hydrogen cyanide, formaldehyde, lead. He's a smoker. Your husband's been lighting up... which is particularly stupid, it could cause his AIP to---

Stacy: Okay, I blow my smoke into the vents so Mark doesn't know.

House: I always knew it

Stacy: Bluffing!

House: You started two weeks after my surgery. Menthols, then lights after a month.

Stacy: Why didn't you say anything?

House: 'Cause it helped me monitor your misery level. One trip outside was a good day, upwards of six you were in hell

Stacy: You could have asked me how I was!

House: I already knew. Sorry you were miserable

Stacy: Sorry I caused you so much pain.

[long silent pause as they stare at each, when suddenly there's a clang. Camera pans in to see Steve trapped in a metal cage]

(Cut to Chase)

[Chase knocking at a door of an apartment in a long hallway. There's music blasting from inside the room. The door opens to reveal Cameron with badly dishevelled hair]

Chase: Glad you changed your mind about that drink.

Cameron: Come on in.

Chase: You should get changed, there's this new place on campus that--- [Cameron pushes him up against the wall and kisses him. Chase looks very confused] Are you high?

Cameron: Uh huh [she strips off Chase's jacket]

Chase: I thought you disposed of the drugs.

Cameron: Not all of it [they start stripping each other]

Chase: Uhh, slow down... your pupils are dilated!

Cameron: Come on Chase, don't turn into a good guy on me now.

[They continue kissing]

(Cut to the hospital)

[Cameron walks into the elevator the next morning, hair still dishevelled, looking very pale, and wearing a beret. House uses his cane to open the door again just as it's about to close, and walks in with Steve in his cage]

House: You're late. And hungover. [Looks carefully at Cameron] Or maybe not.

Cameron: Why do you have a rat?

House: Jealous?

[The elevator reaches their floor, Cameron rushes out before him to Kalvin shouting at someone. House and Cameron rush in to see]

Kalvin: Out of my room!

Dad: Don't you dare put this on me!

Kalvin: I'm not going to grovel, dad!

Dad: That's not what I'm asking for.

Kalvin: Like hell it isn't! [At Cameron] You said you didn't call!

[Cameron's speechless]

House: Don't mind me. Just here for the show.

Dad: Yeah well, there's not going to be any.

[He tries to walk out but House blocks the door with his cane]

House: What happened to the big apology? Yesterday he was all "daddy, I'm so sowwy".

Kalvin: This is none of your business.

House: You should have thought of that before you stalked me. Now I'm interested. [To the dad] So what's he got to apologise for? You're the one who tossed him out.

Dad: Now why would I do that?

House: I don't know. 'Cause it's tough to brag to your hunting buddies that your son knows all the words of the whiz.

Dad: That's a lie!

House: 42nd Street? Much easier to just get drunk and beat him. Explains his hating you [Dad is facepalmming] Also your cirrhosis. Also why the more I talk, the more you sweat. What it doesn't explain, is why he's gotta apologise to you. Residual guilt for sharing your special toy with other boys?

Kalvin: Just leave it alone.

House: Just want to leave the bigot with some peace of mind after you're gone?

Dad: Look, this has got nothing, and I mean nothing to do with him being gay! Now Kal brought this on himself, with what he did to his mother!

House: He steal her signature look?

Dad: No, no he killed her.

(Cut to House and Ducklings in the conference room)

[Cameron with a very bad hair day looking like she hasn't slept in days and also rather wired up]

Cameron: Kalvin lied!

House: Yeah, that certainly is shocking.

Cameron: [pacing and talking very fast] Mom's kidneys were failing, she needed a transplant, they tested Kalvin, he was a match. He was also positive for HIV, mom never found a qualified donor, she dies.

House: Tragic tale. Undercut slightly by the rapid fire delivery and constant movement. Too much coffee this morning?

Chase: He didn't kill her. Our bodies aren't donor farms for our parents.

Foreman: It's not 1980. We know how HIV is transmitted! If Kalvin got HIV through unprotected sex, dad has every right to be pissed!

Cameron: So you always use a condom?

Foreman: Uhh... yeah!

House: Brother's on the down-low, got to.

Foreman: Huh, not ready for any Foreman Juniors yet.

Cameron: [to House] You?

House: Working girls are sticklers. You're not going to pull Chase?

Chase: I'm not an idiot.

House: Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged out colleague when they have a chance? [gives Cameron and Chase a pointed look that plainly speaks of levels of satisfaction for finding out. Foreman looks surprised, but grins]

Cameron: Where's Wilson? House: We got the result for the Kveim test. [shakes his head slightly. Cameron sighs]

(Cut to Kalvin's room)

Kalvin: So... I have cancer?

Wilson: In all likelihood, yeah. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma

Kalvin: And I am... dying?

Wilson: We need to biopsy the tumour. It's near your aorta so... getting that sample carries serious risks.

Kalvin: Is my dad still here?

Wilson: He hasn't been in.

[Kalvin shakes his head]

Wilson: We'll inject a dye around your heart to make the tumour visible on the CT, then a surgeon inserts a guide wire, runs it up into your heart where he takes a small piece of that tumour so we can look at it under the microscope

(Cut to Cameron and Chase in the locker room in the staff room)

Chase: Ativan will help settle you down [hands her some pills which she takes]

Cameron: Why are you so calm?

Chase: Not coming off meth helps. Last night probably shouldn't happen again

Cameron: Do you think I want it to?

Chase: When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get complicated. And it didn't suck. [Chase walks out]

(Cut to House and Wilson walking together down a corridor)

Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.

House: Nyah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.

Wilson: Well that rules out letting the rat go so you can catch him again.

House: I can't do that, Steve needs two weeks antibiotics and a smoke-free environment. Cigarettes aggravated his infection.

Wilson: The rat is actually sick? That thing could infect the entire hospital!

House: Steve's infection is not contagious to humans. I'm an idiot. How did I miss micoplasmosis? Was that the kid's father?

Wilson: Yeah. Remember the black death? Started with rats.

House: What's he doing in the hallway? His kid getting his biopsy already?

Wilson: He just won't go in the room. Who knows what else he has - parasites? Bacterial infection?

House: Kid doesn't have parasites.

Wilson: Not the kid, the rat!

House: Was he still sweating?

Wilson: Rats only sweat through their tails.

House: Not the rat, the dad! [Wilson doesn't have an answer. House starts walking back towards the dad] Where are they from?

Wilson: Err... Montana. What's going on?

House: You were right, it's a parasite. Cancel the biopsy. it'll kill him. [bangs his cane against the glass wall of the room the dad is in] Hey daddy, come with me!

Dad: Yeah, uhh... I'm not going in there.

House: Your son asked to talk to you.

Kalvin: [as dad walks in] Why is he here?

House: [slides the door close] He wanted to talk to you.

Dad: [makes a noise as he suddenly realises that House lied to him]

House: Did you two use to hunt together? Foxes. Did you kill foxes?

Dad: Its Montana.

House: [walks towards Kalvin] Those masses in your chest are not tumours. They're parasitic cysts from a bug called equinococosis. Touch a dead fox, they jump aboard, they can hunker down for decades - growing, spawning, shopping, putting on plays

Kalvin: I've been tested for parasites.

House: Okay, it's cancer. You happy? The cysts isolate the parasites, keeping them from showing up in stool samples, even in blood tests, cardiac--

Dad: All right, you don't need me for this.

House: But you've got the same things in your liver.

Dad: I have cirrhosis

House: Liver cysts have identical symptoms with one addition, fever. Now liver cysts we can test for. Your diagnosis could confirm Kalvin's. So, option A, we draw some blood--

Dad: No, look, you're not touching me

House: You see, this is why I need you here. I want you to tell your son that you won't take a simple painless blood test to save his life

Dad: [to Kalvin] You err... never expressed a shred of regret for what happened to your mother

Kalvin: Geez dad...

Dad: If you'd've worn a damn rubber, you'd've been fine. Could have saved her life. You wouldn't be lying here!

House: Yeah yeah yeah, I get it! You're really mad at him for killing himself and for destroying everything you love. I don't have time for this, are you going to apologise?

Kalvin: I'm living my life the way I want

House: [to the dad] Are you going to give me some blood?

Dad: Look, if he doesn't give a damn then neither do I!

House: Okay. Option B. Why did your wife kill herself? Did she hate you?

Kalvin: She was a diabetic!

Dad: You know, you don't know a thing about my Suzanne.

House: Either Suzanne wanted to die, or she was both fat AND stupid. Used a twinkie instead of a gun. And girls with big appetites, well they just can't get enough - of anything!

Kalvin: Shut up!

House: Probably nibbled on every devil dog in the county!

Dad: SHUT UP!

House: Just in case I'm not making myself clear, I don't mean the delicious snack--

Dad: [punches House, forcing House to reel back against the window] You son of a bitch! Yeah? Come on!

House: [pats his jaw very calmly] Thank you, means I can do this [uses the head of his cane to whack the father exactly where his liver is situated] We're going to need some epi in here, stat!

Kalvin: Are you out of your mind?!

House: You said you didn't care. [House uses his cane to push the dad back against the wall by pushing it against his neck] Notice how you can't breathe? [The father sounds like he's choking/wheezing/going into shock] Now either that's the cane, or I just ruptured one of those liver cysts we were chatting about and you've gone into anaphylactic shock, exactly the same as your son did when he accidentally tripped against my friend's car. I'm just SO excited to find out which! [House takes his cane off and the father slips to the floor clutching at his middle section] I'm gonna schedule surgery.

(Shots of Kalvin and his dad both in surgery)

(House is playing with a toy bird in Cuddy's office)

House: Two successful surgeries, two lives saved. I'm over my quota. Can I have next week off?

[Cuddy stops him from playing with the toy bird and snatches it away from him]

Cuddy: Two family members assaulted.

House: It was self defence.

Cuddy: You baited him.

House: You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the 'Do-Me' pumps.

Cuddy: You flooded his gut with a parasite, he could sue. Go see Stacy.

House: Okay [gets up to leave]

Cuddy: That's it? Okay? No name-calling? No squawking? No rending of garments?

House: I like this T-shirt

[Cuddy looking very thoughtful and suspicious as House leaves her office]

(Cut to Cameron in Kalvin's room at night)

Cameron: You lied to me.

Kalvin: If this is about my mom...

Cameron: This is about your lonely, miserable life.

Kalvin: I'm not miserable. And as long as there's a gay bar around, I'm never lonely.

Cameron: You haven't had a single visitor except for your dad. Drugs are great, HIV freed you, your dad hates you, you're so happy. Everything's a lie! You blame yourself for your mom's death, you're not trying to have fun, you're trying to self-destruct. You wanna kill yourself? Fine, but stop recruiting!

(Cut to House peeking into Stacy's office)

Stacy: Heard you hit another patient

House: Yeah, sure. Why not? He hit me first

Stacy: Cuddy didn't mention that. Let me see [she comes around the desk to look at his jaw]

House: I'm the doctor

Stacy: My concern is purely legal [pats the skin where he got punched] Looks okay, does it hurt?

House: A little

Stacy: You need some ice [she goes to fetch some from the little fridge in the corner]

House: There's no way that Mark doesn't know [Stacy turns around] about the smoking

Stacy: He would have said something [she applies some ice wrapped in a cloth to the purpling area where he got punched]

House: Then he hasn't been near you in months

Stacy: We're fine

House: Can't be easy

Stacy: Stop squirming

House: Why would you lie about this?

Stacy: I'm not lying

House: I don't care if you're sleeping with him or not, but you're not, so...

Stacy: I am [stops trying to put the ice on the bruise]

House: You're lying

Stacy: You know when I have sex? You can smell that on me too? The only people who know about what's going on between me and Mark, are me and Mark.

House: I just know you

Stacy: And I know you. You're confident, arrogant, but you're never certain unless there's a reason to be certain. One other person knew, I told you I was seeing Dr Harper. You can easily get into her office, you read my file. [House doesn't deny it] You read my file? [she now sounds like she's about to break into tears] The dishes, the concern, the oh - acting like a human being? You have... This whole time you've been manipulating me?

House: You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap on to a scrub brush. [Stacy walks back behind her desk] You could have thrown me out, or ignored me, or found another exterminator. You didn't even tell Mark that I kept coming by. You LET this happen because you wanna be with me

Stacy: [nods] I don't know anymore. Get out.

(Music starts, montage of scenes. Kalvin is helped to his dad's bedside by a nurse)

Kalvin: I'm sorry.

(Cameron looks on the scene from outside the door)

(Stacy and Mark are watching TV at their house. Stacy pulls Mark's arm around her shoulder, Mark looks a little stand-offish but reluctantly smiles at the gesture)

(Chase is washing his face in the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror, observing a bite mark on his lip, probably from the wild night with Cameron)

(Cameron is similarly looking at herself in a mirror after looking at a bottle of pills prescribed to her. She marks another X on her calendar. The camera pans down to reveal another date in red pen saying "HIV TEST" circled in red)

(House is watching TV on his own couch with a glass of what is probably scotch or brandy. Camera pans to his coffee table where Steven is in a cage running on a training wheel)


[THE END]