Season 1 X 16 : Heavy

Original Airdate: 3/29/2005
Written by: Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Fred Gerber
Transcript by: Mari

BEGINNING

[Opens in a child’s bedroom. Jessica, an 10-year-old obese girl, is sitting on her bed looking very depressed.]

Mom’s voice: Jessica! Jessica, come on! We’ve gotta go! [She comes to lean on the doorjamb.] Move it or lose it, sister.

Jessica: I don’t feel good.

Mom: [feels her forehead] Oh. You don’t feel warm.

Jessica: My stomach hurts.

Mom: Honey, if you don’t have a fever –

Jessica: I don’t want to go to school, I can do my work at home.

Mom: Jessica, what’s wrong?

Jessica: Everybody hates me.

Mom: Oh, they don’t hate you. They don’t even know you because they’re too ignorant to try.

Jessica: I hate myself!

Mom: Jessica, don’t say that. Oh, honey, look at me, look at me. You are a wonderful, beautiful, little girl. Don’t let a few bad apples –

Jessica: A few? [She starts to cry.] Try my whole class.

Mom: Remember the story where the guy keeps saying that he hates green eggs and ham, and then at the end he realized he really loved them? One day they’re gonna realize what a great kid you really are. You’ve just gotta be like Sam I Am, and don’t give up.

Jessica: Okay.

[Cut to Jessica, at gym class. She’s jumping rope while the rest of the class is watching and laughing at her.]

Some classmate: Come on, Jessica, hurry!

Mr. Conroy: That’s it, keep going. Good, nice! You’re doing great, Jessica. [A kid behind Jessica notices that the ground under her is moving and mimics Jessica.] Hey, hey Seth? You want to spend the rest of class sitting on the bench?

Seth: No.

Mr. Conroy: Keep going, Jess, you’ve got 40 more seconds.

Jessica: My arm hurts.

Mr. Conroy: Come on, tough it up, you can do it.

Jessica: My chest hurts.

Seth: How do you think the ground feels?

Mr. Conroy: [as kids laugh] Hey, Seth? Two laps, bye. Hey, Jess, it’s just a stitch, okay? Just keep breathing, you got it.

Jessica: I can’t.

Mr. Conroy: Only 10 more seconds, you got it. [Jessica falls to the ground.] Jessica, Jessica! [He turns her over on her back.] Jessica! [He listens for her heart beat. CGI of her heart beating fast, and then stopping.] Oh, my God! Hey, go to the office, get Miss Parsons. Now! [Some kid runs. Mr. Conroy calls 911 on his cell.] I’m on a playground at Finley Elementary. One of my students is having a heart attack. Yeah, she’s ten. Don’t you think I know that? Just send the damn ambulance! [He starts chest compressions.] Come on, wake up, sweetie.

[Opening credits.]

[Cut to House leaving Exam Room two. He walks up to Cuddy, who is standing by the clinic desk.]

House: You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?

Cuddy: Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I’d like to see it happen. We need to talk.

House: Well, if pain’s what you’re after the penis is really the way to go. I’d recommend the Abadirabia. (sp?)

Cuddy: We’re not talking.

House: Oh? Sounded like we were.

Cuddy: No, you’re attempting to avoid talking because you know what I want to talk about.

House: Nipples?

Cuddy: You need to get rid of one of your people.

House: Absolutely. As soon as I do performance reviews. And then review the reviews, of course. Because a decision like this can’t be made without proper, you know, review. Shouldn’t take longer than a month, maybe two. Four at the most, unless it gets complicated.

Cuddy: There’s no way out on this. You may as well get it over with as fast as you can, like ripping off a band-aid.

House: Only instead of a two-cent piece of tape and gauze it’s a human being.

Cuddy: Like you care.

House: Like you don’t. [The elevator opens, revealing Cameron.]

Cuddy: You have a week. Get it done. [Cameron gets out of the elevator. House goes into the elevator, Cameron sighs and follows.]

Cameron: We have a referral from Dr. Linkowitz.

House: Don’t know him.

Cameron: He knows you.

House: What’s the problem?

Cameron: Heart attack.

House: Definitely don’t know him.

Cameron: The patient’s ten.

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

Foreman: Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It’s gotta be a mistake.

House: Right. The simplest explanation is she’s a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.

Foreman: I meant, maybe the tests were wrong.

Cameron: That’s what the ER thought. Three CKMBs were positive, the EKG shows classic signs of ST elevation. It’s a heart attack.

Chase: She’s morbidly obese. The “morbid” part of that raises alarms.

Foreman: Come on, it takes decades to eat your way into a heart attack.

Chase: Doesn’t take decades to kill yourself. If I was that fat, I’d be pretty tempted to knock back a bottle of pills.

Cameron: It’s not a drug overdose. The fatigue, muscle pain, and difficulty concentrating have been bothering her for over a year.

Chase: That’s because of her depression.

House: That’s what five pediatricians, two nutritionists, and a psychologist said. The heart attack would seem to indicate that they missed something.

Foreman: It’s got to be something genetic.

Cameron: What about Metabolic Syndrome X?

Chase: Insulin resistance?

Foreman: Syndrome X could cause a stroke, but I don’t know about a heart attack.

House: Could, if her blood pressure was high enough.

Cameron: Which is likely, considering her weight.

House: It fits the symptoms. Me likee. Do a hyperinsulinemic euglyemic clamp. [They get up to leave.] Oh, and one more thing. I’ve been told that I’ve got to get rid of one of you guys by the end of the week. New sheriff, belt tightening, you know how it goes. Okay, carry on. [He goes into his office.]

Foreman: It’s some kind of game, House’s own version of “Punk’d”.

Cameron: It’s not House, it’s Vogler. We can’t let it get to us, we’ve got to stick together.

Chase: Why?

Cameron: What are you suggesting, we start slashing each other’s throats?

Chase: I’m suggesting it’s a zero-sum game. Your loss is my win. That’s not conducive to team play.

Foreman: Which is what House seems to want. Come with Cameron. May be a bad strategy, but I don’t want to give House his satisfaction. Come on, sick kid, remember?

[Cut to Jessica’s hospital room.]

Mom: She’s diabetic?

Cameron: No, but it’s similar. MSX patients don’t respond normally to insulin, which causes her body to create too much, which causes metabolic abnormalities. We’re going to do a test to be sure, but there are certain dangers.

Mom: Is this thing treatable?

Cameron: It’s controllable through proper diet and exercise.

Mom: Wait. Jessica already eats right. And she exercises every day!

Cameron: I know you’ve already seen several nutritionists –

Mom: And we’ve done everything they recommended.

Cameron: I understand, but –

Mom: Why can’t any of you doctors see past her weight? If diet and exercise are the treatment, then the diagnosis is wrong.

Cameron: It might be, but the only way we’ll know is if you’ll let us do this test.

[Cut to the clinic.]

Lucille: It’s really bad, especially at night. It’s like my heart is on fire, like it’s, uh, oh, I don’t know, like it’s…

House: Burning?

Lucille: Exactly!

House: Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.

Lucille: So, can you give me something?

House: Like a thesaurus?

Lucille: What?

House: I take it you never mentioned this during any of your prenatal visits.

Lucille: Prenatal? I’m not pregnant.

House: Sorry, you don’t get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.

Lucille: I know when I’m pregnant, all right? I have six kids. That’s why my husband had a vasectomy and we use condoms.

House: Vasectomies can reverse themselves, condoms break.

Lucille: Okay. [She hops off the table and gestures to herself.] This is what a woman is supposed to look like. Okay, we’re not just skin and bones. We have flesh. We have curves.

House: You have little people inside you. [Lucille grabs her purse and heads to the door.] Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I guess I must have just been brainwashed by the media, and all those years of medical training.

Lucille: Damn right.

House: Let’s see if I can find some antacids while the nurse gets some blood.

Lucille: Blood, why?

House: The heartburn, gotta make sure it’s not spreading.

[Cut to Jessica, standing in front of a scale.]

Jessica: I don’t want to.

Chase: The test involves some pretty precise measurements. If we don’t know exactly how much you weigh, we won’t get the right answers. [Foreman motions for Chase to move over – he’s got this one covered.]

Foreman: Tell you a secret. When I was your age, I was heavy, too.

Jessica: Were you over 100?

Foreman: Way over. The kids in my neighborhood used to call me Rerun.

Jessica: Rerun?

Foreman: He was a heavy guy from TV. I used to pretend I liked it, but I didn’t.

Jessica: How come you’re not heavy any more?

Foreman: Ninth grade, grew five inches, everything kind of evened out.

Jessica: You think that’ll happen to me?

Foreman: Well, yeah! I mean, your mom’s tall, and you are a little short for your age. You’ll probably spring right up. [She steps on the scale.]

[Cut to Foreman and Chase entering Diagnostics.]

Chase: Obesity isn’t something you just grow out of.

Foreman: Take it you’ve never seen a baby?

Chase: She’s not a baby, she’s ten!

Foreman: And you figure making her feel like crap would do her a world of good?

Chase: Yeah, if it gets her off the couch!

Cameron: I’m sure she’s already under enough pressure.

Chase: Enough from mummy.

Cameron: Everything in society tells us we have to be thin to be successful.

Chase: No, society tells you you have to be thin to be attractive. And guess what, that’s what attractive means: that society likes looking at you.

Cameron: I think we should be telling our kids it’s fine as long as they’re healthy.

Chase: All right. You weigh 90 pounds because it makes you healthier?

Foreman: Forget it. He’s just cranky because he knows he’s the one to get the axe.

[Cut to House and Wilson getting food in the cafeteria.]

Wilson: So, any thoughts?

House: On what? Sharon’s plan for Gaza?

Wilson: Who you’re gonna let go.

House: I’m thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.

Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren’t very good with numbers.

House: It will be more cost-efficient once I’ve grabbed Cameron’s ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase… well, I can grab his ass, too.

Wilson: You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not one of them. Don’t take Vogler on.

Cashier: Separate or together?

House: Together. [House leaves Wilson to pay for lunch.]

[Cut to Jessica’s room, where the team is performing the test.]

Chase: Increasing glucose to 6.9 milligrams per milligrams per minute.

Mom: Are you okay?

Jessica: I’m thirsty.

Cameron: Just a little bit longer, and you’ll be done.

Foreman: Like Dr. Chase.

Chase: Wanna put some money on it?

Jessica: I said I’m thirsty.

Cameron: Just five more minutes, okay, sweetheart?

Jessica: I’m not your sweetheart, don’t call me that.

Mom: Jessica, that’s not nice.

Jessica: You’re the ones who aren’t nice.

Mom: Jessica…

Jessica: You’re not either! I don’t want to do this anymore! [She rips off the nasal prongs to help her breathe

Mom: Jessica! Jessica, you have to calm down! [She starts flailing.]

Jessica: Let me go! [Lots of the upcoming dialogue is masked by Jessica’s screaming.]

Cameron: She’s gotta be getting hypoglycemic.

Mom: What’s wrong?

Chase: Hey, calm down!

Jessica: Let go of me! Get it out of me, you son of a bitch! Bastards!

[Cut to later on. Jessica is sleeping peacefully.]

Foreman: She’s sedated. Mrs. Simms, don’t worry. Hypoglycemia can cause temporary psychosis and it’s a common complication during a HEC procedure.

Mom: I never wanted it done in the first place.

Chase: We understand you’re upset, but –

Mom: You were supposed to be monitoring her condition. but instead you were bickering and placing bets.

Cameron: I apologize if we weren’t paying full attention to your daughter, but I assure you that –

Mom: Oh, please. Save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend. [House walks up.]

House: You’re wrong. She is, in face, pathetically sincere. And they didn’t screw it up.

Mom: Who are you?

House: I’m from the lab. The blood tests showed your daughter wasn’t hypoglycemic, which means her psychosis wasn’t caused by anything these doctors did.

Mom: So then what was it caused by?

House: I have no idea, but you’ll be happy to hear it can’t be cured by diet or exercise.

[Cut to House entering the Diagnostic office, the Duckings trailing behind him.]

House: What else could cause uncontrollable rage in a ten-year-old?

Foreman: Nothing that could also cause a heart attack. [House starts to write on the whiteboard.]

House: I assume I don’t have to point out that now would be an extremely good time for one of you to distinguish yourself with a brilliant idea.

Chase: A hypocoaguable state could cause a blood clot. Blood clots can cause a heart attack.

Cameron: More likely to cause a stroke, not the psychosis.

Chase: No, you’re wrong. If the clot made it to the amicdal area of the brain, it might cause uncontrollable rage.

Cameron: Right, because anything’s possible, but nothing’s going to cause multiple clots in a kid this age.

Chase: She’s fat!

Cameron: Obesity doesn’t cause blood clots.

Chase: Extremely obese patients can get a fat embolus.

Cameron: Right, after they get liposuction which she’s clearly never had.

Chase: How do you know?

Cameron: Because we have her medical records. And because no plastic surgeon in his right mind is going to give a ten-year-old liposuction!

Chase: Have you ever met a plastic surgeon who was in their right mind? [Cameron looks really pissed.]

House: She hasn’t had liposuction.

Cameron: Thank you.

House: But what about some other ridiculous obesity treatment?

Foreman: Like what?

House: Diet pills can cause heart attacks and blood clots.

Cameron: Her tox screen was negative.

House: Wouldn’t show over-the-counter weight loss drugs.

Cameron: Her mother wouldn’t give her diet pills.

Chase: [sarcastically] Yeah, she thinks her daughter’s perfect just the way she is.

House: She’s lying. Okay, you two, heparin and warfarin to prevent further clotting. And you, [to Foreman] find those pills.

[Cut to House in his office, taking a couple Vicodin. Foreman enters.]

House: [shaking the bottle of Vicodin] Not diet pills. You might want to broaden the search just a little. And don’t just ask the mom, if she hasn’t mentioned yet, she’s not gonna –

Foreman: If you’re gonna fire someone, go ahead and do it, but don’t treat us like lab rats, testing how long it takes us to get us at one another’s throats.

House: So what should I do?

Foreman: I don’t give a damn what you do.

House: Yes, I had noticed your complete indifference. You don’t even offer a medical opinion any more. Who would you fire?

Foreman: Not my call.

House: I want your opinion. [Foreman starts to leave.] Fine, it’s you. [Foreman turns around.] Either way, you’re making a choice.

Foreman: Chase.

House: [slightly puzzle] Wh- Because he screwed up an angio a month ago?

Foreman: Anyone can make a mistake.

House: Right, it’s the money. You resent it, but you’re going to tell me he doesn’t need the job.

Foreman: He doesn’t appreciate the job.

House: He was ready to go three rounds with Cameron for it.

Foreman: He wants the job. He just doesn’t appreciate it. There’s nothing wrong with just wanting to hang out, but this is not the place to do it.

House: I’m surprised.

Foreman: You thought I’d pick Cameron?

House: I didn’t think you’d pick at all.

[Cut to House and Wilson leaving the elevator.]

House: I guess he’s not the “rise above the fray” guy he likes to think he is.

Wilson: You practically forced it out of him.

House: He’s scared of losing his job, just like everyone else.

Wilson: I’ve been thinking. You’ve made it quite clear that you’re miserable here –

House: I am not miserable. [They enter the clinic.]

Wilson: You’re not happy.

House: And you are?

Wilson: With… my job, yes.

House: I am exactly where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do.

Wilson: I think I sense a hint of sarcasm there. Why don’t you pick yourself? Quit?

House: [looking at charts] Hmmm… I was wrong.

Wilson: About Vogler or Foreman?

House: Mrs. Hernandez’s pregnancy tests.

Wilson: Who’s Mrs. Hernandez?

House: Either a woman carrying an alien baby or your newest patient. [Wilson grabs the chart.]

[Cut to Foreman talking to Jessica’s teacher in an empty classroom.]

Foreman: So, you never saw her with any pills? She never mentioned anything?

Ms. Ayers: No, of course not.

Foreman: Would it be all right if I talked to a couple of her friends?

Ms. Ayers: Her friends?

Foreman: Well, I’m not going to interrogate them, but I just want to ask if Jessica ever mentioned anything. It’s pretty important, she’s very sick.

Ms. Ayers: I understand, it’s just, well, Jessica really doesn’t have any friends.

Foreman: Not one?

Ms. Ayers: I’ve tried to help, make the kids include her more, but kids can be –

Foreman: Kids?

Ms. Ayers: Heh, I was going to say jerks. [Bell rings.] All the fifth-graders are assigned an eighth-grade buddy. Maybe you could talk to her’s.

[Cut to Vogler and Cuddy by the clinic main desk.]

Vogler: What’s the status on House?

Cuddy: He asked for time to complete performance reviews on everyone in his department.

Vogler: And you told him no and gave him how long?

Cuddy: A week. He’ll do it. [Cameron starts to walk up.]

Vogler: Guy’s never done what he’s told. Don’t see why he’s going to start now. [Vogler walks over to talk to Cameron, who is dealing with clinic folders.] Hi! Edward Vogler. Is Dr. House claiming that I’m forcing him to get rid of one of you? I assume his goal is to stir up antagonism toward me.

Cameron: And your goal is?

Vogler: I am forcing him. I’ll do whatever I can to ease the transition for whoever he chooses.

Cameron: If you’re feeling guilty about your decision, there is an easy solution.

Vogler: I don’t feel guilty.

Cameron: Then why approach me and tell me all this?

Vogler: I don’t feel guilty, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad. I’m rich, but I’m still human. [He smiles.] I just wanted you to know that if there’s anything I can do for you, my door’s open.

Cameron: Thank you. [Cameron walks away, and Cuddy confronts Vogler.]

Cuddy: You looking for info? Thought you already had House all figured out?

Vogler: I do. Don’t know his team, though. [He walks off.]

[Cut to Wilson and House in the exam room with a sad-looking Lucille.]

Wilson: The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.

Lucille: Oh, God.

House: It’s actually a personal record for this clinic.

Wilson: [gives House a “you’re not helping” kind of look] But it’s completely benign, there’s no sign of cancer at all. I’ve already spoken with Dr. Bergin, and he’s available first thing in the morning.

Lucille: For what? [House and Wilson look a little puzzled at this.]

Wilson: For the surgery.

Lucille: But if it’s not cancer, it can’t kill me, right?

Wilson: [looks to House for help, but he’s keeping his mouth shut on this one] …No.

Lucille: I’ll have a huge scar! I won’t be able to wear a bikini!

House: You wear a bikini now?

Lucille: Yeah, you got a problem with that?

House: Nope, but I’ve never gone swimming with you.

Lucille: I knew it. That’s what this is all about! You are trying to force me to have cosmetic surgery!

House: Yeah, that’s exactly why I planted a thirty pound tumor on your ovary.

Lucille: It’s not gonna kill me. [House and Wilson share a “are you hearing what I’m hearing?” kind of look.] The only thing surgery is going to do is change the way I look. That is the definition of “cosmetic surgery”.

Wilson: Uh, it would also relieve your heartburn and discomfort.

Lucille: Yeah, right. Why give an antacid when you can cut someone up and make them look a little easier on your eyes? [She hops off the table, grabs her purse, and sort of saunters to House.] My husband loves my body. He can’t get enough of it. [At this point, Wilson is totally checking her out. Bad Wilson.] you think he’s gonna want to touch me if I look like I’ve been gutted like a fish? [She leaves, slamming the door behind her.]

Wilson: That was unexpected.

House: [nodding] Yeah, it was.

[Cut to Foreman talking to Jessica’s eighth-grade buddy.]

Clementine: All she does during recess is run laps around the playground. She says she’s exercising, but everyone knows it’s just because no one wants to play with her. I mean, I’m only her buddy because Ms. Ayers assigned her to me. That does not mean I am her friend.

Foreman: I’ll make sure her doctors are all clear on that.

Clementine: Thanks.

Foreman: So, has she ever said anything to you about diet pills?

Clementine: Heh, she told you that, too.

Foreman: What do you mean?

Clementine: I totally busted her for taking drugs one day. She totally lied, said they were diet pills her mom had given her. Come on, get real. No way a girl like that is taking diet pills.

[Cut to Foreman talking to Jessica’s mom in the hospital.]

Mom: I didn’t give her diet pills, I would never do that!

Foreman: Right, so it was her imaginary mom.

Mom: She didn’t take any pills, the girl’s lying!

Foreman: Why would she lie?

Mom: Because she’s another mean little jerk?

Jessica: Mom.

Mom: I’m sorry, honey.

Jessica: Clemmie didn’t lie. I did. I took the pills. I told her you gave them to me ‘cause I didn’t want to get in trouble.

Foreman: Where did you get them?

Jessica: I took them. From the store.

Mom: Why? Why would you do that?

Jessica: Because I didn’t want to be ugly anymore.

Mom: Oh, baby. You’re not ugly.

Jessica: Yes, I am! I know you don’t think so, but I am! I’m disgusting.

Mom: Jessica, please, don’t say that.

Jessica: I just, just wanted to fit in. You know, have friends? Or at least have one person my age be nice to me. [Mom and Jessica are both crying.]

Foreman: Listen, the pills cause blood clots, heart attacks, and insomnia. It explains everything. We’ll keep her overnight to make sure, but she’ll be fine.

Mom: Thank you.

[Cut to the team, gathered in Diagnostics.]

Cameron: I can’t believe she was that desperate.

House: Yeah, I’m sure that if everyone I knew hated me, I couldn’t bear to look at me. I wouldn’t go so far as to shoplift.

Cameron: I’m not talking about the shoplifting.

Foreman: I’m sure she didn’t even know they were dangerous. She probably saw them advertised on TV or over the internet.

Chase: Right, so I guess it’s the media and pharmaceutical companies’ fault now? [He hands House a cup of coffee. House is puzzled at this gesture of sucking up.] Not the fact that she can’t stop shoving food down her throat. No one forced her to get fat.

Cameron: No one forced a cancer patient to get cancer.

Chase: Give me a break, it’s not a disease.

Foreman: Have you seen the latest research?

Chase: Yes, I have. What I haven’t seen lately is a kid eating an apple or riding a bike. You Americans can’t even compete with the rest of the world in basketball anymore, unless, of course, it’s the type you play with a remote control on a big screen TV.

Foreman: Right. [He gets up and starts to walk off.]

House: [stuttering] Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams! [Foreman’s beeper beeps, then Chase’s, then Cameron’s… they all have different beeps that sound quite nice together, but that’s not the point of this.]

[Cut to the Ducklings running down the hall.]

Jessica: Oh, my God!! Mommy, they hurt so bad!

Foreman: [entering] What happened?

Jessica: Please help me!

Mom: She’s bleeding!

Cameron: From where?

Jessica: Oh, my god! [Cameron lifts the neck of Jessica’s gown to reveal open, bleedling lesions on her chest.] Just please stop it, please!

[Cut to the team in front of the whiteboard, where “skin necrosis” has been added.]

Cameron: Diet pills don’t cause skin necrosis.

Chase: Could be something related to the pills.

Cameron: Or not.

House: Or both. Diet pills brought her to us, we gave her the sores.

Foreman: You think she got a staff infection from something here?

House: I’m not saying the hospital gave the sores, I’m saying we did. By treating her. Warfarin-induced skin necrosis.

Cameron: Highly unlikely. We started her on heparin before the warfarin.

House: Who gave her the heparin?

Chase: I gave warfarin, she gave heparin.

House: Sure you didn’t both give her warfarin?

Cameron: Yes, I did not screw up.

House: [to Chase] Did you actually see her prepare and administer the heparin? [pregnant pause] Enough said.

Cameron: You were standing right there.

Chase: I was preparing my own dose.

Cameron: Yeah, right. There’s gotta be some other cause.

House: None that I can think of. Let’s fix the mistake. Give her unfractionated IV heparin and low molecular weight heparin by subcutaneous injection stat. [Cameron, Chase, and Foreman leave into the hallway.]

Cameron: Making me look bad is not going to save your job.

Chase: You think you’re incapable of making a mistake?

Cameron: You think that I am that weak that I am just going to roll over and take this?

Chase: House isn’t just going to protect you because you kiss his ass!

Cameron: Vogler wants to know what he can do for me.

House: [shouting out the door] Hey! Stop worrying about your asses and start worrying about the patient’s.

[Cut to Foreman taking a sample from Jessica’s lesions. Vogler enters.]

Vogler: She sleeping?

Foreman: As a result of the sedatives, yeah. Can’t let her wake up, too much pain.

Vogler: [looks at a clipboard] “Warfarin-induced skin necrosis”. I have no idea what that means. But it says here we gave her the warfarin, and I do know what “induced” means… we did this?

Foreman: At this point it’s not exactly clear. You know, I should probably talk to Dr. House.

Vogler: Oh, you two need time to get your story straight.

Foreman: He doesn’t tell me what to do.

Vogler: So you don’t just blindly follow his commands. You’re your own man. And yet, here you are working for a man you can’t stand.

Foreman: I respect him.

Vogler: What exactly is it you respect? His attitude toward humanity? He thinks we’re all idiots and liars. How ‘bout his attitude toward you, plays with you like a cat with a ball of string –

Foreman: What do you want?

Vogler: I want to know if you want to keep your job.

Foreman: If he chooses to let me go, I can live with that.

Vogler: That’s not an answer.

Foreman: You offering to protect me?

Vogler: Still not an answer.

Foreman: I want my job. [Chase enters.]

Vogler: Dr. Chase.

Chase: Boss. [Vogler leaves.] What was that about?

Foreman: Wanted to know what warfarin is. I don’t know.

[Cut to House entering pathology. Cameron is there. He stares at her through the glass, but she keeps concentrating at her microscope.]

House: Brrrr. Icy. Definitely think twice before correcting one of your mistakes again.

Cameron: [still at her microscope] Correct all you want. Of course, it’s a bit more productive if there’s an actual mistake.

House: Right, I always forget that part.

Cameron: I gave her the heparin, which means the necrosis is not a reaction to the warfarin, which is probably why she’s not responding to your treatment.

House: Yet. [pause] If you didn’t screw up, then what is it? You don’t have an answer.

Cameron: Yet.

House: When you come up with something, let me know. I’ll be in the clinic, warming up.

Cameron: [turning to look at him] I’m the only one who’s always stood behind you when you’ve screwed up.

House: Why? Why would you support someone who screws up?

Cameron: Because I’m not insanely insecure. And because I can actually trust in another human being and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.

House: I’m sorry, you said you weren’t angry. Who would you fire?

Cameron: No one.

House: Not an option.

Cameron: If everyone took a paycut and put in a few more hours we could all stay for the same amount of money.

House: Figures you’d try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn’t work that way just ‘cause you want it to.

Cameron: Figures you’d stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn’t go away just because you want it to. [House leaves, and Cameron goes back to her microscope.]

[Cut to House entering the clinic.]

Mr. Hernandez: [getting up] Excuse me, Dr. House? My wife saw you yesterday, Lucille Hernandez?

House: Uh, he’s not in today.

Mr. Hernandez: My wife said he walked with a cane.

House: He’s also got a bit of a drug problem. Sometimes doesn’t show up for weeks. [He walks into Cuddy’s office.]

Cuddy: [to Vogler] The MRIs are rented, but… Did you make a decision?

Vogler: He’s not gonna fire anybody.

House: Yes. I’m going to cut the pay of all four of us. 17% across the board will allow you to keep us all for the same amount of money. I believe it’s what you suits call “win-win”.

Cuddy: All right, if you can –

Vogler: No.

Cuddy: If he can work it so we can keep the current staff for the same amount of money, what difference does it make?

House: It’s not about the money.

Vogler: This is not a negotiation, it never was. I need to know that whatever I ask you to do, no matter how distasteful you find it, you’ll do it. And just as importantly, you need to know that. [Cuddy sighs, and House leaves, slamming the door behind him. Mr. Hernandez confronts him on the way out.]

Mr. Hernandez: What’s going on with my wife?

House: Even if I was Dr. House, physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.

Mr. Hernandez: But she told me about the tumor.

House: Yeah? She also tell you why she’s refusing to have it removed?

Mr. Hernandez: I don’t care about a scar. And she can always gain the weight back.

House: You want her to regain the weight?

Mr. Hernandez: Yeah. I mean, only if she wants to.

House: Why?

Mr. Hernandez: I’ve always thought she’s looked sexiest when she was pregnant. [House looks slightly disturbed.] Something ‘bout knowing she’s a mother makes me want to –

House: Yeah, tell her that and leave me alone.

Mr. Hernandez: I did. You gotta talk to her, I couldn’t bear it if something happened to her –

House: The tumor is benign, nothing’s gonna happen. Except maybe some more heartburn.

Mr. Hernandez: What if it gets even bigger? Or if it changes?

House: You know where to find us. Building’s not going anywhere.

Mr. Hernandez: Tell her it’s cancer. [House pushes the elevator button.] You obviously don’t have a problem with lying.

House: Oh, way to win me over.

Mr. Hernandez: [takes out wallet of pictures] We have six kids. She can’t afford to take a chance.

House: You have kids! How novel! That changes everything. So if Mommy has heartburn, one of them might catch on fire.

Mr. Hernandez: Please, I don’t know what we’d do. [House takes the pictures.]

House: They are cute. Have her come back in.

Mr. Hernandez: What?

House: Your plight has moved me. [Elevator dings.] Tell your wife to come back.

[Cut to House entering Diagnostics.]

Foreman: Her necrosis is getting worse.

Cameron: Maybe because we’re treating her for the wrong thing.

House: Have you found the right thing?

Cameron: No.

House: Then we continue the treatment. Hope it’s just taking longer than it should.

Wilson: At this point it doesn’t matter what caused the necrosis.

House: Or who.

Wilson: If we don’t stop it from spreading it will kill her before the end of the day.

Foreman: What else can we do?

Wilson: Get rid of it. Remove the dying flesh before it penetrates the abdominal wall.

House: Do it.

[Cut to Foreman and Wilson talking to the mom.]

Foreman: There’s still a chance that the heparin treatment could start to take effect.

Wilson: We’re gonna wait as long as we can, but if there’s no change in the next few hours, we’re gonna have to treat the symptoms directly.

Mom: So you can get rid of the sores.

Foreman: Through surgery. Technically, it’s an amputation.

Mom: Amputation? But the sores are –

Wilson: Warfarin-induced necrosis attacks fatty tissue, mainly in the breasts.

Mom: Wait, are you talking about cutting off my daughter’s breasts? She’s ten years old!

Wilson: A radical mastectomy may be her only chance of survival.

Foreman: I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to sign this.

[Cut to House looking pictures of Jessica’s sores on his computer. Cameron enters.]

Cameron: Can we talk?

House: What, no roses, no chocolates? If you’re here to apologize –

Cameron: I’m not here to apologize.

House: Uh-oh, that means you’re here for something more complicated. [He takes Vicodin.]

Cameron: Do you want to fire me?

House: Yes. I was just waiting for an excuse. Thank God Vogler came along. Phew!

Cameron: It’s the only reason I can think of that you’re insisting that I made a mistake.

House: Really? Because there is another explanation. [He stands up.] Perhaps not as much fun as your Freudian analysis, but maybe you actually made a mistake.

Cameron: You’re doing this because you can’t deal with your feelings for me.

House: I believe that you are the only one to express feelings. And if we’re going to look at this from a first-year psych point-of-view, maybe you want me to fire you. Maybe that’s why you’re acting weird. You –

Cameron: You’re the one being different! You’re always pushing things, pushing the rules, pushing us, but not this time. You just jumped on this idea like a life raft. Not one question about what else it could be, no riding us for other answers.

House: I have the answer.

Cameron: Then why aren’t you watching TV? Or playing your damn Game Boy, or whatever else you have fun doing by yourself? Maybe I should just quit. Make it easy for everyone.

House: Maybe you should. [Cameron leaves, making the door shake behind her.]

[Cut to House, sitting on the exam room table, talking to Lucille, who’s pacing.]

House: Men are pigs.

Lucille: You call me in to tell me –

House: I should have realized the vasectomy and condoms was overkill, but this was too obvious. [He holds up Mr. Hernandez’s photos.] Cute kids. Love her green eyes. And his baby blues. Of course, since you and your husband have brown eyes…

Lucille: Where’d you get that?

House: From the father of three, maximum four of your six children. So I’m thinking maybe the reason you don’t want surgery is, while your husband may find you attractive no matter what, all the other men you’re sleeping with might not be so open-minded. Which brings me back to my original thesis: men are pigs. You got nothing to worry about. You know, pretty much have sex with anyone, fat, skinny, married, single, complete strangers, relatives –

Lucille: You? You’re sick.

House: So are you. I’m sure there are websites full of men looking for married women with surgical scars. [He hands her back the pictures.] So have the surgery. Please?

Lucille: Okay. [House leaves.]

[Cut to Chase entering Vogler’s office.]

Chase: Why have you been talking to Cameron?

Vogler: Well, if House picks you I’ll be needing a new source in that room.

Chase: If he picks me?

Vogler: Sure. Foreman’s smarter, House has got a thing for Cameron.

Chase: I’ve been feeding you information so you’ll protect me.

Vogler: I will protect you as long as I need you. And you will feed me information as long as you need me. I spoke with Cameron because if I have alternatives, I don’t need you.

Chase: She’s not gonna rat on House.

Vogler: Foreman ever said anything about talking to me? Interesting.

[Cut to House, looking into Jessica’s room. Chase and Foreman walk up.]

House: It’s been almost three hours, still no change in her condition.

Foreman: I think we should get her into surgery.

Chase: So what do you want to do?

House: Assume that Cameron didn’t screw up. What if it’s not the warfarin?

Chase: It has to be. The sores presented right after we –

House: Right, right, right, but let’s just say it’s not. Come on, come on, what have you got?

Foreman: Can I have a second to think?

House: No, there’s no time to think! Say the first thing that comes to you head.

Chase: She’s fat.

Foreman: Enough already, okay? We’ve got it, you hate fat people.

Chase: That’s not what I meant.

House: We already considered obesity as a cause.

Foreman: So did all her other doctors.

Chase: No, what if it’s not a cause? What if it’s a symptom?

House: Okay, so what could cause obesity and skin necrosis? Listen, I don’t care if it makes sense, just give me something.

Foreman: Ulcers secondary to vaculitis.

House: No, that’s just sores, not obesity.

Chase: Pyoderma gangrenosum?

House: More sores. Okay, let’s look at it from the other side. What has obesity as a symptom?

Chase: Hypothyroidism?

Foreman: Genetics are more likely. Her mom’s heavy, too.

House: She’s not just heavy. She’s tall. We have any history on the dad?

Chase: Yeah. 6’1”.

House: Kid’s short. We’ve got stunted growth, high blood pressure, blood clots, obesity – it’s Cushing’s.

Chase: No, necrosis doesn’t present in –

House: In rare cases Cushing’s can cause hypercalcemia, which can lead to the same skin necrosis as warfarin. It’s perfect. It explains everyting.

Foreman: Except it’s not Cushing’s. She’s had multiple blood tests and none show abnormal cortisol levels.

House: The hypercortisolism could be cyclical, we just didn’t catch it in the right phase.

Chase: We’ll have to do another UFC.

House: There’s no time! We’ve got less than an hour to make the call.

Chase: If we treat for Cushing’s and we’re wrong, she’s dead.

Foreman: If we assume it’s not Cushing’s, she’ll lose her breasts and may still be sick.

House: Do an MRI.

Foreman: You want us to look for hypercortisolism with an MRI?

House: No, I want you to look for what could cause hypercortisolism with an MRI.

[Cut to Jessica in the MRI machine.]

Foreman: Nothing on the adrenals. Heard Cameron went home, she sick?

Chase: Go back to the pituitary views. She seemed okay.

Foreman: Think she’s got another reason for leaving?

Chase: I hope so. Wait, stop. There. [He points to a black spot on the MRI.] What’s that?

Foreman: A tumor.

Chase: It’s Cushing’s.

[Cut to Foreman talking to Jessica’s mom.]

Foreman: The tumor causes Cushing’s. Cushing’s messes with hormone production. Hormones control everything: growth, weight –

Mom: Can you fix it?

Foreman: She’ll need surgery to remove the tumor. Once it’s gone, everything will get normal very fast.

Mom: No mastectomy?

Foreman: No.

Mom: Thank God.

Foreman: The surgery’s dangerous. The pituitary is located between the caverns of the sinuses, basically right between the eyes. The area contains the nerves that control eye movement and the major arteries that feed the brain.

Mom: Oh, my God.

Foreman: Your surgeon will approach the gland transphenoidally. [While Foreman is talking, the surgery is taking place.] An incision will be made under the lip in which he’ll insert a fiberoptic microscope. Once the tumor’s found, he’ll cut it into small pieces and remove it from the same hole under the lip. The whole procedure should take about three hours and your daughter should be able to go home in a few days. The sores will go away, as well as her fatigue and her muscle pain. She’ll even start losing weight.

[Cut to Jessica’s mom, nervously meeting the surgeon. He talks to her, and she gives him a hug. They are all smiles.]

[Cut to Jessica being wheeled out of the hospital. Foreman sees her by the door, and gives her a hug. Awww.]

[Cut to a few days later. We see Jessica in a room, sitting on a table and much thinner than she was previously.]

Foreman: Jessica.

Jessica: Hi.

Cameron: Is that really you?

Jessica: Yeah, it’s me.

Chase: You look fantastic! [Chase, checking her out, is a dirty man. Bad Chase.]

Mom: She always looked fantastic.

Foreman: Yeah. [Jessica smiles.]

[Cut to House entering his office. Cuddy and Vogler are standing inside of it.]

Cuddy: It’s been a week.

House: Actually, it’s over a week. Where have you guys been?

Cuddy: Who is it?

House: Chase.

Vogler: No, Chase stays. Pick someone else.

House: The deal was –

Vogler: Deal’s changed. Pick someone else.

House: No.

Vogler: Pick someone else or it’ll be the whole department. [He leaves. Cuddy gives him a “I don’t know what’s up, either” look, and leaves, too.]

[Cut to Vogler walking down the hallway, Cuddy hurrying after him. They walk by Chase, who keeps his head down until they pass.]

[Cut to Cameron, who is editing her CV.]

[Cut to Cuddy and Vogler, coming out of the elevator. They walk past Foreman, who turns to look at them.]

[Cut to House, twirling his cane and looking Very Unhappy.]


END

Season 1 X 15 : Mob Rules

Original Airdate: 3/22/2005
Written by: David Foster & John Mankiewicz
Directed by: Tim Hunter
Transcript by: Mari

BEGINNING

[The scene opens on a basketball game. (It is March Madness, after all!) Joey, our main attraction is eating dinner and paying attention to the game. 5 or 6 other men in suits are sitting around drinking coffee, reading papers, etc. Bill walks up and stands in front of the TV.]

Bill: If you testify, no one can protect you. Especially the Feds.

Everhardt: We’ll keep you safe, Joey.

Bill: Right. Witness Protection. This great new life he’s giving you? You’re sacking groceries at some goat-town Stop and Shop when one of the Talli guys comes up and puts two in the back of your skull.

Everhardt: Counselor, are you advising a witness to withhold evidence from a federal grand jury?

Bill: He came forward; he volunteered. I’m advising him not to testify until I’m satisfied you can protect him.

Joey: Hey, you guys mind? I got money on this.

Everhardt: [to Bill] What do you want? We gave you everything you asked for.

Joey: I asked for pasta.

Everhardt: You got steak, enjoy it. [Joey shakes his head and takes out a cigarette.]

Bill: What are you doing? [He takes the cigarette from Joey’s mouth.] Where’s your quit candy? I just gave you a pack.

Joey: Yeah, sorry, I forgot.

Bill: Joey, whatever they give us, what they tell you, you get popped, what am I going to do? Sue them?

Joey: That’s not what this is about. You’re gonna miss me.

Bill: I’m your lawyer, Joey.

Joey: You’re my brother. And I do this, you know, go into Witness Protection, we’re never gonna see each other again.

Bill: That doesn’t bother you?

Joey: Kills me. [pause, then gets up] Hey, I gotta take a leak. [He falters, and puts a hand to his head.]

Bill: You all right?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, just, uh, little dizzy…

Bill: Get some air.

Joey: And hot. [He grabs an end table for balance, which falls, and he collapses.]

Bill: Joey! [He runs over.]

Everhardt: What did you say to him?

Marshall: Yeah, nice try. [He grabs Bill and tries to get him away.]

Bill: Let go of me! Let go of me, can’t you see he’s sick?

Everhardt: Joey! Joey!

Bill: Something’s wrong with him! [He breaks free to move back to Joey.]

Everhardt: Come on, you’re not getting out of this that easy! Either you’re dead, or you’re testifying. [Bill slaps Joey’s cheeks lightly, but Joey is out.]

[Credits!]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, where she is meeting with Vogler.]

Cuddy: Don’t have it.

Vogler: Budget?

Cuddy: Nope.

Vogler: Revenue statement, list of expenses…

Cuddy: House has been very busy.

Vogler: Saving New Jersey from leprosy, yes, I know. Getting me his numbers, that’s your job. [House barges in.]

Cuddy: We’re in a meeting.

House: Need the lawyer.

Vogler: Who’d you kill?

House: Nobody, but it’s not even lunch. Got served with a federal court order. Some witness went into a coma and they want me to take a look at it. [He tries to hand the paper over to Cuddy, but Vogler snatches it.]

Vogler: What? They want you to examine a sick person? This is a public relations nightmare. Don’t think our staff do that kind of thing around here… this place would be crawling with sick people!

House: I’m a doctor, I’m not a lapdog for the feds; I don’t play fetch.

Vogler: Nobody tells you what to do. Am I right, Dr. Cuddy?

Cuddy: You have three choices: hire a lawyer to fight the order, treat the guy, or go to jail for contempt. Up to you.

House: [grabs the papers back] Jail. You’d like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. [to Vogler] Conjugal visit, that’s her new fantasy. [Vogler tries not to laugh as House leaves.]

Vogler: We’re not leaving until he’s gone or you show me one good reason for keeping him.

[Cut to House examining Joey, shining lights in his eyes and needles in his feet. He finally holds his Nintendo DS up to Joey’s ear.]

House: He’s really out of it, huh?

[Cut to House walking with his team in the hallway.]

Foreman: Causes of coma: metabolic, structural –

Chase: [looking at the file] He had his stomach pumped! Why would they do that?

House: Rule out poisoning.

Chase: Huh. Not the typical first guess.

House: No, the first guess was faking it. Patient’s a federal witness, reluctant, I’m assuming. He’s also an 8 on the Glasgow coma scale.

Foreman: [whistles] That’s barely alive. Pretty tough to fake it.

Cameron: Any recent history of head trauma? Bad car accident, fall?

House: They tell me no, but do an MRI to be sure. [They round the corner to Diagnostics, Bill is standing by the door.]

Chase: Metabolic causes. Liver, kidney, diabetes –

House: Check for everything, feds are paying. We’re gonna turn a profit on this one, boys.

Bill: Dr. House, Bill Arnello. [He shakes House’s hand.] I’m a lawyer, I represent Mr. Smith. What’s wrong with him?

House: Do I come to you with my problems?

Bill: He’s also my brother.

House: What, you changed your name? “Smith” wasn’t good enough for you?

Bill: His name’s Joey, he’s my only brother.

House: He’s important to you, got it. So, no placebos for him, we’ll use the real medicine. [Elevator dings, House gets in.] Well, this was fun, let’s do it again soon. [Bill follows him in.] Brother in the Mafia? [Door closes, because the elevator door has the best sense of dramatic/comedic timing in the whole show.] So, just Joey? I was hoping for a nickname. Joey Mango. Joey the Wrench. [Bill hits the emergency stop.] People know where I am.

Bill: I want you to do your job. Diagnose him, fix him, and keep him here.

House: We’re a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they’re actually sick.

Bill: If you release my brother to the government, and he does what they want, even if you fix him, he’s dead. I need time to convince him of that. [He shuts off the stop.] Good news is, if you screw up you don’t have to worry about a malpractice suit. If he’s dead, one by one, I’ll take away the things you love ‘till there’s nothing left. [Elevator opens, House leaves.]

House: So, on the Mafia thing, that’s a yes.

[Cut to Joey entering the MRI.]

Cameron: Did House seem weird to you?

Chase: Are you expecting him to be weird?

Cameron: We spoke about how we felt.

Chase: You told him you liked him?

Cameron: No, of course not.

Chase: What are you talking about, then?

Cameron: I asked him if he liked me.

Chase: Why would you do that?

Cameron: Because I like him.

Chase: You like him, like him?

Cameron: Doesn’t matter, he doesn’t like me.

Chase: Hey, he doesn’t like anybody. And nobody likes him.

[Cut to the team in Joey’s room.]

Chase: MRI showed a subdural hematoma.

Foreman: Bleeding around his brain caused pressure inside his head which caused the coma.

House: [looking at the scan] These look like pseudomembranes. Those take time to form. If it was an old injury it wouldn’t have caused the coma.

Cameron: Patient history indicates he was hit with a tire iron in 1996. Brother says he was changing a tire and it slipped.

Foreman: Subdural hematoma placed where this one is, it could have caused his coma.

House: What about his liver?

Cameron: LFTs are slightly elevated.

Chase: Key word is slightly. As in, not high enough to cause the coma. It’s the subdural.

Foreman: I say we evacuate the cavity, see if he wakes up.

House: The neurologist thinks it’s his brain, wants to open up his head. Frankly, I’m shocked! You get to use the big boy drill and Daddy’s big red toolbox.

Joey: No drilling. [Egads! He’s awake!] Hi.

Foreman: Mr. Smith!

Joey: Call me Joe. [Foreman tries to shine a light in his eyes.] Can you not do that? So, we’re clear about the no drilling?

[Cut to the team in the elevator, well, leaving it.]

Chase: He’s okay now, he can leave.

House: I’m not releasing him.

Chase: Because the brother doesn’t want you to?

House: Or because he had an unexplained coma, which sounds better?

Chase: The hematoma caused the coma.

House: That’s a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that.

Foreman: I think Chase is right. It still should be evacuated, but it’s not an immediate threat.

House: Cameron’s my girl.

Cameron: I’d release him.

House: Are you disagreeing with me because –

Cameron: I’m disagreeing because that’s my medical opinion.

House: Of course it is. But unless I’ve been named as the fourth part of the Axis of Evil, invaded and occupied, this is still not a democracy. He’s staying. Send for Hepatitis serologies and an autoimmune panel. [He enters the clinic.]

[Cut to Exam Room one, where a young man is holding a toddler boy. House walks in.]

House: Hey. I’m with you. Old enough to drink, old enough to do something really stupid and make yourself a baby.

Henry: He’s my brother. I’m watching him while my parents are in Barbados. He’s having trouble breathing and there’s a lot of wheezing.

House: [listing to the kid’s breathing with his stethoscope] Whistling, technically. Upper airways, nose.

Henry: If he’s got the croup, that could become meningitis, right?

House: Absolutely. [He leans over the kid.]

Henry: I was just studying and all of a sudden I hear him crying and sounding all weird. My parents are going to kill me. [House reaches into the kid’s nose with tweezers.]

House: I doubt it.

Henry: You don’t know them.

House: No, I doubt you were studying while your parents were away. [He retrieves a tiny toy policeman from the kid’s nose.] Hello, officer. You might want to rinse this off before you let him play with it again. [His beeper beeps.]

[Cut to House entering Joey’s (empty) room.]

House: What happened? Where is he?

Foreman: Vogler called admitting, admitting called Justice, Justice came and took him away.

House: And who called Vogler? [All the ducklings look at each other.]

[Cut to Vogler and Cuddy, still meeting.]

Vogler: He loses money.

Cuddy: So does ophthalmology. Who cares, this is a hospital. You can’t just cut a department!

Vogler: You can’t control him.

Cuddy: I am the only one that can control him. [House barges in again.]

Vogler: D-D-D-D-Dr. House in the house! Impeccable timing as always.

House: You had no authority to release my patient.

Vogler: My colleague has just informed me that she has a singular talent. You are just in time for a demonstration. [sits down to enjoy the show]

Cuddy: Dr. House, from what I understand, your –

House: From what you understand? He’s not your patient; how the hell do you understand anything?

Vogler: That’s sad.

House: You’re not even a doctor.

Vogler: John Smith is here only because of court order. I had the records faxed to the judge; she recinded the order.

House: Why bother, just to piss me off?

Vogler: Keeping the government off our ass. Hmm. Yeah. [House’s beeper beeps.] That makes no sense for a public institution.

House: Okay. [turns to leave]

Cuddy: Okay what?

House: Okay, sir. Carry on. [He leaves.]

Cuddy: He really cares about his patients.

Vogler: Yeah, and he just walked out of here with nothing. Something’s up.

[Cut to the Emergency room. Paramedics are wheeling Joey in on a stretcher.]

Everhardt: He just started vomiting and passed out

Paramedic: 35-year-old male, vital signs are stable now. Gave him 2 liters en route. Just released from here two hours ago. [Cuddy and Vogler walk up.]

Everhardt: You said he was good to go.

House: So, your junior G-man badge isn’t looking so good.

[Cut to Joey’s room, with Joey now inside of it.]

[Cut to the Diagnostic office.]

Chase: His liver’s worse.

House: Comatose?

Cameron: No, completely different symptoms than the first time.

Chase: Serology tests came back positive for Hep-C.

House: Hep-C is a chronic condition. You don’t think this is an acute situation?

Chase: Coma, vomiting, abdominal pain, Hep-C explains everything.

House: Except for the suddenness of the onset.

Foreman: What’s wrong with the timing?

House: You get home one night. Your wife hits you with a baseball bat. Likely cause is the fact you haven’t thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for fur handcuffs she found in your pants. Sudden onset equals proximate cause.

Chase: He also has high estrogen levels in his blood. That’s indicative of a chronic condition, not acute.

House: One test. What do his other liver tests tell us?

Cameron: Normal albumen levels point toward acute.

Chase: Uh-huh. And why is her test better than mine?

House: Because she’s cuter. [Cameron looks uncomfortable.] Though it’s close. Do a liver biopsy. When the results come back we’ll know what we’re looking at.

Chase: Why wait to treat the Hep-C? If I’m right, Joey gets better that much faster.

House: Right. Then he gets to testify, and you get a gold star a Cuddy.

Chase: Then what’s the downside? Or is that the downside.

House: Do I have a reason for not wanting you to get any stars? [Everyone looks confused.] Fine, start the treatment. It’s all your idea. Don’t even mention my name. There’s nothing wrong with your theory, go. [They all get up.] But in the “humor me” department, get a biopsy while you’re at it. [They start to leave.] Foreman, we need to talk. [House and Foreman enter House’s office.] You’re off the case.

Foreman: What? Why?

House: Somebody told Vogler that I lied to the transplant committee.

Foreman: You think I did?

House: You’re too careful. You wouldn’t jump ship unless you knew what was in the water.

Foreman: Stop, you’re embarrassing me.

House: But I want Vogler to think I think it’s you. And I want Cameron and Chase and Cuddy and Wilson and the nursing staff and the cashier in the parking lot to think that, too.

Foreman: [to himself] Right.

[Cut to Chase doing an ultrasound of Joey’s liver.]

Chase: The bloodtests show you have Hepatitis C. It’s a virus that infects the liver.

Bill: No way.

Chase: Well, it’s not all bad news. It can often be cured, and even if not, it’s manageable.

Bill: How’d my brother get this?

Chase: Usually it involves the exchange of bodily fluids, the, uh –

Bill: Bodily fluids, what are you talking about?

Chase: There are many ways the virus can be transmitted. Sharing needles, blood transfusions –

Bill: Hey! [He gets up and points his finger in Chase’s face.] Nobody talks to my brother like this, okay?

Chase: Fine. I’ve no idea how he got it. But he has Hepatitis-C. We’re going to start him on Interferon – [Bill slaps Chase across the face.]

Bill: He doesn’t have it, don’t mention it again, don’t treat him for it. [Chase flips his hair out of his eyes and looks mad, but does nothing.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, which is a mess of papers and folders. And, surprise! Vogler’s still there!]

Cuddy: House has some directed donations, foundation support… [leafing through folder] It’s around here…

Vogler: He makes you miserable. Eight years he’s worked here, never made a dime for you, never listened to you.

Cuddy: He can changed, he’s –

Vogler: He hasn’t changed in eight years. Either he can’t change, or you can’t change him. You have no idea how many times he’s lied to you, undercut your authority, made you look like crap to other doctors.

Cuddy: Yes, I hate him, and here I am, desperately trying to protect his job. What does that tell you?

Vogler: That you don’t hate him.

Cuddy: I do not protect people I like. I protect people who are assets to this hospital.

Vogler: No. That’s me. You, you’re softer.

Cuddy: Right. There are three female Chiefs of Medicine at major hospitals in this country and we all got there using our feminine wiles.

Vogler: It’s human nature to wanna protect people we like.

Cuddy: I don’t like him!

Vogler: We think if we can just form the right team, we’ll all get along, be able to pull the boat –

Cuddy: I don’t get along with him!

Vogler: Well, this is not a team, it’s not a boat, it’s not a machine that has a lot of parts that have to work together. The metaphors are all crap. This is a business. That’s all it is. You like him, that’s bad for business.

[Cut to the clinic, where House is once again trying to get something out of that poor kid’s nose.]

Henry: Ah, this is all my fault.

House: Took another homework break with Betty Lou?

Henry: No, last week I showed him a magic trick.

House: Pulled a quarter out of his nose. It’s a classic.

Henry: Yeah, now he won’t stop shoving stuff up there. [Bill enters.]

Bill: Dr. House.

House: Got a crisis here!

Henry: [to the kid] It’s okay. [But it’s not okay, as the kid shakes his head, growls, and tries to bite House’s hand.]

Bill: [to kid] Stop! [Kid shuts up, allowing House to pull a firefighter out of his nose.]

House: It’s a neat trick.

Bill: You have to believe you’ll actually hurt them.

House: Ah.

[Cut to House and Bill entering House’s office.]

Bill: Your people insulted my brother.

House: What, they put romano in the parmesan cheese shaker again?

Bill: Said he was a crackhead or a homo or something.

House: Those idiots. How many times am I going to have to send them through sensitivity training? Nobody’s saying he’s a homo, that would be really, really bad. So let’s put a nice, friendly spin on it. Let’s go with: he got raped in prison. I saw the jailhouse tats, put it together with the blood tests…

Bill: There were rumors, but Joey never said anything about…. If people find out he’s being treated for Hep-C? Feds get that chart, someone says something to somebody, word’ll get out. And then Joey’s manhood, his rep is destroyed.

House: You’re worried about how his coworkers will react in the Walmart in Demoyne.

Bill: He’s not going into Witness Protection, I won’t let that happen.

House: Listen, I don’t know if you know about this, but mob businesses sometimes keep two sets of books.

Bill: One legit, one not.

House: Exactly.

Bill: You jerking my chain?

House: Doctors are busy, sometimes they forget to write things down, it happens all the time.

Bill: Thanks. [He turns to leave.] Oh, and whatever you’re not giving him for whatever he doesn’t have, is that going to fix him?

House: I doubt it.

[Cut to Wilson walking in the parking garage. House catches up to him.]

House: On your way to polish Vogler’s car?

Wilson: Gone are the days of the grumpy old docs seeing patients in the basement of his house, getting paid a few chickens.

House: How will I eat?

Wilson: You know what Cuddy has been locked in with Vogler about all day today, and yesterday?

House: Floor polish costs through the roof?

Wilson: You. Her secretary’s been to the photocopier all day with your records. It’s all they’re looking at in there. [House looks shocked.]

House: My car has been stolen. [They look around for it, and see…]

Wilson: Or rein-CAR-nated. […a 1965 red Corvette in House’s parking space. Wilson picks up a piece of paper stuck in the windshield wiper.] Pink slip. “A gift from the Arnello brothers.”

House: [smiling] You know, they’re gangsters, sure, but they’re thoughtful, too.

Wilson: You can’t keep it. It’s graft.

House: No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. Graft is if I tell them I’ll only make it better if he slips me a couple bucks. A payoff for something I’m not supposed to do. If I’d asked for the payoff (which I didn’t), I would have done the bad thing anyway. So there’s nothing wrong with this.

Wilson: Right.

House: Damn. ’65. Perfectly restored. What do you think a guy like Joey would do if someone turned down a gift? That’s kind of an insult, isn’t it?

Wilson: He might hurt you. It’s definitely possible.

House: I’m screwed. Gotta take the car.

[Cut to Chase taking notes on Joey in Joey’s room, then cut to the lab.]

Cameron: Did you see House’s new car?

Chase: Joey. He obviously can’t keep it.

Cameron: You don’t mind the hospital taking money from Vogler?

Chase: That’s different, Vogler’s legit.

Cameron: That’s worse. Vogler’s money came with strings.

Chase: Vogler doesn’t set me up to have a mobster take a swing at me.

Cameron: I’m sure House didn’t know –

Foreman: [entering] Joey’s pressure dropped. Pushed IV fluids, now he’s holding 100 systolic.

Cameron: Septic?

Foreman: No, looks like he’s bleeding into his liver.

Chase: Varices. You see it with chronic Hep-C all the time.

House: [entering] Biopsy’s back. Two findings. Number one: lymphoctic infiltrate and no bridging fibrosis.

Foreman: Well, whatever’s killing him is not Hep-C. It’s acute.

House: Who said that? I forget. What are you doing here? I told you you were off the case.

Foreman: Right. Your diabolic plan to convince the evil genius he’s in the clear so he’ll let his guard down and make a fatal mistake, sure.

House: Well, it’s clearly not going to work now.

Chase: What evil genius?

House: If we knew that, then we wouldn’t need a diabolic plan now, would we?

Foreman: House thinks someone ratted him out to Vogler.

Chase: Oh, what? One of us?

House: No, you guys love me too much.

Chase: All right, look, if it’s not the Hep-C, then what’s the problem? What’s causing the liver failure?

House: Finding number two: toxins.

Cameron: No. He’s only 30 years old and his job doesn’t expose him to heavy metals or environmental –

House: He’s a 30-year-old mobster. He doesn’t have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins, he has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone’s poisoned him.

[Cut to the Feds standing outside Joey’s door, then cut to the team in the diagnostic offices.]

House: Whatever this toxin is, it’s doing its job and fast. How long do we have until the next round of test results?

Chase: About four hours.

Foreman: Too bad his liver’s only going to last another two.

Cameron: We’re going to have to get him a new one.

Chase: What, in two hours?

House: There is another way. Relax, it’s kosher.

[Cut to… a pig, being walked down the hallway. Cut next to the OR, where the pig is hooked up to Joey via a set of tubes.]

Bill: This is so bizarre.

Chase: Not really. We just take the blood out of Joey’s body and run it through a pig. [CGI shot of the process described by Chase.] The pig’s liver does what Joey’s can’t, cleans the blood, which we send right back to him.

Bill: And the pig makes him better?

Chase: No, just buys us some time to figure out what’s poisoning your brother.

Bill: Like you do this all the time?

Chase: Oh, we’ve basically got a barn in the basement.

[Cut to Foreman and Cameron in the lab.]

Cameron: Cross off hemlock.

Foreman: You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?

Cameron: Grows wild by the highways out here.

Foreman: How much do you like House?

Cameron: Chase has a big mouth.

Foreman: Yeah. He's probably the one who ratted to Vogler.

Cameron: I don't think that he would --

Foreman: Does it hurt when you're with House? Little pain in the tummy, but it sort of feels good, too?

Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?

Foreman: You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it. [House enters the lab.]

House: Anything?

Foreman: White blood count's low; probably a result of the illness, nothing to connect to the liver.

House: Is he a smoker?

Cameron: Let me check. [House goes to look at the chest x-ray.]

House: Early signs of emphysema. He's been smoking at least a dozen years.

Cameron: 18. You got that from the white count?

House: Nope, got that from the chest x-ray. White count just tells me he's quitting. [He goes to look over Cameron's shoulder, who looks uncomfortable.]

Cameron: Two weeks ago. [House leaves.]

Foreman: How’s your tummy?

Cameron: Flat and taut.

[Cut to the hallway where the feds are.]

Marshall: I’ve been on the job for 12 years.

Everhardt: You put $3,000 in your wife’s checking account this morning. I want to know where it came from.

Marshall: I got a perfect record.

Everhardt: Where did you get the money.

House: Cancel the thumb screws, I’ve got our culprit.

Everhardt: Who?

House: Not who, Hu.

Everhardt: Huh?

House: Thanks for playing along. Chai Hu, a Chinese herb in his quit smoking candy. Reduces cravings, also reduces his white blood count. Oh yeah, he also took enough of them to poison himself. We’ll keep him on the pig for a few more hours, then take him off the candy, he’ll be fine. Pig won’t be. Oh no.

[Cut to Joey’s room. Bill is sitting in a chair, waiting for something to happen. Joey wakes up.]

Joey: Hey.

Bill: Hey, you feeling better?

Joey: Famished.

Bill: I think they’ve got fish sticks on the menu.

Joey: Makes me miss prison.

[Cut to House and Wilson, cruising down the road in the ‘Vette.]

Wilson: So, the mobster’s good to go?

House: I’ll keep him over night, then let the fed’s know he’s good to rat out whoever he wants.

Wilson: Brother won’t be happy.

House: Maybe have to give back the car.

Wilson: You should let Vogler tell the feds.

House: Why?

Wilson: Because it matters to him. Because you humiliated him the first time Joey was released. You think you should still be in third there, ace?

House: He humiliated himself.

Wilson: And because your job depends on the kind of mood Vogler’s in at the end of his marathon with Cuddy. Seriously, man, have you ever driven an automobile before? There are four gears, you know.

House: The ’66 came with a Shut Up button.

[Cut to House walking into the clinic… in a lab coat! He enters Cuddy’s office, where she’s still meeting with Vogler.]

House: It is my medical opinion that the patient is healthy and can be released.

Vogler: Thanks for letting us know. [Vogler picks up the phone.] Give me the U.S. Attorney’s office.

Cuddy: [to House] I see you’ve found out what we’re meeting about.

House: You’re having a meeting?

Cuddy: Well, whatever the reason, the coat looks good on you. [looks at the chart] Chai Hu lozenges cause this kind of liver failure, no way!

House: Not by themselves, but in combination with the Interferon it’s like gas to a flame.

Cuddy: What Interferon?

House: For the Hep-C.

Cuddy: What Hep-C?

House: Oops.

Cuddy: Is hidind a mobster’s Hep-C that important?

House: Is letting the feds know everything that important? [House’s beeper beeps.]

Cuddy: You know, you are a piece of work, even now.

House: Ed!

Vogler: Edward.

House: Joey’s back in a coma.

[Cut to the team in the Diagonstic office, gathered around the whiteboard.

Chase: He’s stable, but comatose.

Foreman: Worse than before, he’s on a ventilator.

House: Question is, why? It’s not his brain, it’s not a toxin. Our friend Babe helped with that one. So what else?

Chase: The Hep-C. We never really treated it, we stopped the Interferon when it started poisoning his liver.

House: Am I going to have to write a song about it? His chronic Hep-C was not bad enough to produce these symptoms.

Foreman: The estrogen level indicates it is.

House: Indicates something else entirely.

Cameron: We can’t give him Interferon now. There’s still traces of the lozenges in his system. It’ll just poison him again,

Chase: Genetics. We don’t just treat the virus, we change it. A non-nucleoside allosteric inhibitor.

Foreman: It’s never been tried on a human being. It could kill him.

Chase: Well, what’s the difference? He’s dead without it.

Foreman: They’re running a trial on dogs at St. Sebastians in Philadelphia. I’ll make the call.

House: [as the three others start to leave] What else could cause his estrogen level to be that high?

Cameron: Nothing. [They leave, leaving House staring at the whiteboard.]

[Cut to Chase administering medicine to Joey while Bill looks on.]

Chase: We’re going to put the medicine here. We don’t want it to burn his veins when it goes in.

Bill: You have no idea if it will work.

Chase: It’s shown promise in testing.

[Cut to the clinic, where Henry and his brother are making yet another visit.]

Henry: Maybe there’s nothing up there, I watched him like a hawk. [Kid cries and screams.]

House: Pretty sure you didn’t.

Henry: I didn’t let him play with any more little toys.

House: Thus forcing him to shove a big one up there. [Kid is still crying.] Stop or I snap your nose off! [And the kid stops crying! House pulls… a fire truck out of his nose, which goes with the policeman and the firefighter.]

Henry: He’s not too smart.

House: Genetics is a powerful force. On the other hand, maybe he’s smarter than you think.

Henry: What’s going on?

House: Just give me a second. Always wanted to use one of these. [He grabs a big magnet, and demonstrates its use by picking scissors up off of the counter.] Tilt his head back.

Henry: I don’t know.

House: Just tilt his head back. [He uses the magnet, and a metal cat comes out of the kid’s nose.] Nice grasp of concepts, relationships. Very smart, very cool. First the policeman, fireman, fire truck. Your brother was sending in teams to save the cat.

Henry: Wow.

House: Sometimes the simplest answer… [ He trails off in thought, and Occam’s Razor strikes again!]

[Cut to House, yo-yoing by the whiteboard.]

House: Most types of coma you just don’t snap out of. [Chase enters.]

Chase: He’s not snapping out of this one, he’s not improving. You crossed out estrogen, you’ve got an explanation?

House: Yes, I have. A very simple one.

Chase: And?

House: It’s private.

Chase: You think I’m the one running to Vogler.

House: You’re currently top of the list. Toxic comas, person’s away from the cause long enough and they recover.

Chase: The feds checked for poisons, we checked for poisons. I didn’t do it.

House: It’s not a poison, then.

Chase: An allergy, then. Did you hear me?

House: How about a food sensitivity?

Chase: All of his food is strictly controlled. There’s no correlation between his meals and his condition. He had steak and potatoes before the first coma, and the hospital served fish sticks before the second one. You can trust me.

House: Problem is, if I can’t trust you, I can’t trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you’ve been a big help.

[Cut to House walking up to the Marshall in the hallway.]

House: So where did you get the money?

Marshall: What?

House: Someone paid you off.

Marshall: What are you talking about? It wasn’t poison, you told us that it –

House: You’re talking about poison. I’m talking about payoff. Graft.

Bill: Leave him alone.

House: You paid the Marshall off.

Bill: I didn’t pay him to poison my brother.

House: No, it just worked out that way.

Bill: I gave the guy some money to get him some decent food.

House: Better than fish sticks? I’m thinking steak.

Bill: We asked for pasta. Those stupid feds could care less –

House: He had steak before both comas. Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes a while. It’s genetic, it can present at any time. The patient eats a large amount of protein, especially if he’s not used to it.

Bill: That’s it? He stays off the red meat and he’s going to be fine?

House: Yes. If I’m right, and we stop the current treatment, he gets better. If we stop the current treatment and I’m wrong, he dies.

Bill: Why would you be wrong?

House: His estrogen level. OTD doesn’t explain his estrogen level. But I have a theory. There is one chemical that, if ingested, can cause a person’s estrogen level to increase dramatically. [He sits in the waiting area.]

Bill: What is it?

House: It’s called estrogen.

Bill: Joey’s taking estrogen? What, he wants a sex change?

House: No, nothing like that. It’s called Male Flame. It’s probably more consumer friendly in the original Chinese. It’s an herbal aphrodisiac marketed to gay men.

Bill: Oh, here we go.

House: And sold on the same website that sells his Chai Hu lozenges. Guess what’s in it? Starts with an “e”.

Bill: You want to get hit, too?

House: That would be quite a trick. “He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight.” Joey’s a big-time mobster. Guys like that don’t get raped in prison. They get gifts, they get food, drugs, cigarettes, cable TV…

Bill: [sitting next to House] Joey is not gay.

House: Well, maybe not gay, but certainly delightful. You, on the other hand, hitting a doctor, even if it was only Chase… and asking another one to keep his chart fresh and homo-free. Well, that’s a bit of an overreaction, wouldn’t you say? It’s almost like you’re scared that it might be true.

Bill: You’re wrong.

House: Okay. Then don’t stop the treatment. [starts to leave] But if you’re wrong, he dies.

[Cut to a shot of Joey, hooked up to multiple machines. Chase is attending, and House is watching through the wall. Bill walks up.]

Bill: Okay. [House nods to Chase, who stops the medicine.] He never said anything to me about it, not once.

House: That’s what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town… how’s a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It’s not just for witnesses any more.

Chase: You can go in now, sit with him if you want. [Bill walks away.]

[Cut to Bill, sitting in a waiting area.]

Bill: How much longer?

Foreman: It’s only been three hours. If it’s the OTD –

Bill: If it’s the OTD? What if House is wrong, huh?

Foreman: That severe a reaction, it’ll take some time –

Bill: He makes assumptions about people, talks you into things.

Cameron: Mr. Arnello. He’s awake. He wants to see you.

[Cut to Bill, walking into Joey’s room.]

Joey: You look like crap. That’s a joke, see. I’m sick, I said you look like crap –

Bill: You have no idea what I just went through out there. You kept getting worse, and Dr. House kept saying all this crap. If I think you’re normal, then he’s going to keep giving you the medicine, and if you weren’t… [Bill is near tears.]

Joey: Weren’t what? [Bill sits.] Normal?

Bill: Yeah. He said you were a fag. Witness protection, that’s your big chance to be one.

Joey: You believe him?

Bill: I don’t know what to believe. You were sick. I had to make a decision. I thought you were gonna die.

Joey: [sits up] You believed him. He stopped the medicine. Here I am. [pause] I wanted to talk to you about this –

Bill: There’s nothing to talk about. You, uh, ordered some Chinese internet health crap, they sent the wrong pills, you took ‘em.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, that, uh, that must be it. [He lies back down. Bill walks over to him.]

Bill: You want to testify, go ahead. I told the doc, he said it’s okay.

Joey: I don’t expect you to understand –

Bill: I don’t. All I need to know is you’re my brother, Joey. If you think this thing, whatever, is going to make you happy, I think you should do it. You should. [Joey grabs Bill’s hand, and they come to a silent agreement.]

[Cut to House in Cuddy’s office. For the first time today, Vogler isn’t there!]

Cuddy: Vogler wants to fire you. Lose the whole department.

House: Good thing you fought for me, though, right? The dress was a nice move, but you’ve got to follow it up. Nasty weekend in Vegas, something that shows off your real administrative skills. [He pops a Vicodin.]

Cuddy: He threatened to fire me. [She sits.]

House: I’m sorry. So, how long do I have? I’ve a lot of personal stuff to pack up. I assume you’re going to want to throw a party.

Cuddy: I told him I know where the bodies are buried, the stuff he needs to know that’s not in the books. Told him he can’t ditch me.

House: He’s only keeping you on because you know the secret handshakes. He’s a quick study. Six months, he’ll have the moves down. Then he won’t need you any more.

Cuddy: I’ll deal with that then.

House: So I stay.

Cuddy: Yes. But some things are going to change.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the hallway before Diagnostics.]

House: Profits. New world order.

Wilson: Huh.

House: Everything’s about profits.

Wilson: Yeah, that’s real new. You could rent out the Corvette every once in a while, or lend it to a friend.

House: That would be easy, and it would be wrong.

Wilson: But Cuddy stood up for you.

House: To a point.

Wilson: To what point?

House: I gotta do six more clinic hours a month. So do two of them. [nods to the Ducklings on the other side of the wall]

Wilson: Why only two?

House: ‘Cause one of them’s gone. I gotta fire somebody. [House walks into the office, leaving behind a shocked Wilson. House and Wilson share a look through the glass before Wilson moves on and House starts the day with his team and trusty whiteboard.] Good morning.


THE END

Season 1 X 14 : Control

Original Airdate: 3/15/2005
Written by: Lawrence Kaplow
Directed by: Randall Zisk
Transcript by: Mari


BEGINNING

[We open on a flyover of New York City (the Chrysler building, etc.). Cut to a business office, where a phone is ringing, and several businesswomen are looking through papers.]

Carly: Where are those projections?

Robin: 3, 6, and 9 are in your folders.

Carly: Can I have some more –

Robin: Tea’s at your seat. [She runs to pick up the phone.]

Carly: Excellent.

Robin: [on the phone] Hello? Oh, hold on. [She hangs up and runs after Carly.] Ben Federman again. Another pre-call. [Carly presses the speaker phone.]

Carly: We did the pre-call. This is the post-pre-call-call?

Ben: Board’s gonna want some specifics for the push into the Asian market.

Carly: Ben, there are no specifics about Asia. We came up with that as a Hail Mary at three in the morning to placate the board about International!

Ben: Carly, I’m just giving you a heads-up about Asia. [Carly picks up the receiver.]

Carly: There is no Asia.

[Cut to Carly, in the board room, standing by a BIG map of Asia.]

Carly: Let’s talk about Asia. We’re in the preliminary stages of forming a strategic alliance with Credit Lyonnais. Within three months you won’t be able to walk four feet in Kyung Hong, South Korea, without seeing one of our beautiful models smiling at you from billboards and drugstore windows inviting you in.

Boardmember: That’s incredible news, Carly. We’d hoped to hear something about Asia, but had no idea plans were so far along. [The rest of the board also looks very excited.]

Carly: Well, you know Asia. Nothing’s done until it’s done. [The board laughs. Carly is sweating, and when she sets down her teacup, we see that her hand is shaking.]

Boardmember: Carly, I was wondering, could you walk us through what you were thinking for other Asian territories?

Carly: Absolutely. India has over half a billion women. In terms of spending power it’s the single largest potential market in the world. [She grabs her leg. CG shot of the leg muscles, which are straining.] Um, we have retained a local firm to ensure that cultural differences are respected, um, however, I can’t go into the specifics of my plan with you until tomorrow; right now I have a meeting and I need the room. [She grabs her Blackberry.]

Boardmember #2: We were just getting started.

Carly: [typing under the table] I know, and I do apologize. It’s last minute, but the meeting is with three State Department officials to smooth the way for China. [She has typed “I need help.” into her Blackberry.]

Boardmember: China? This is just incredible.

Carly: We’ll be in touch.

Boardmember: Thank you. [They all get up to leave, except Carly. Robin leans in behind Carly.]

Robin: What is it?

Carly: I need a doctor. I can’t move my leg!

[And…. Credits!]

[Quick cut to Carly, lying in a bed at PPTH, before House walks into the Diagnostic offices.

House: 32-year-old female, paralysis and severe pain in her right quad. Go.

Foreman: How’d she get to you?

House: She’s the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.

Cameron: Dr. House, I know the chances are very slim, but I’m sure you recognize that she may have what you had: a clot in her thigh.

Chase: [coughs] A bit of a long shot.

Foreman: What about a disc herniation?

Cameron: I don’t know, Eric. If her disc were herniated, she’d present with pain elsewhere, wouldn’t she? [At this point, Foreman is looking at Cameron like she’s an alien, Chase is looking at her like she’s something on the bottom of his shoe, and House is looking at the whole thing with mild interest.]

Foreman: Yeah, I suppose.

Cameron: You’re right, a clot’s also the most deadly, right, Robert?

Chase: True. The clot breaks off, she could stroke and die. [looks at House questioningly]

Cameron: Dr. House, I believe that they’re right, and –

House: Stop talking.

Cameron: What?

House: You read one of those negotiating books, didn’t you? “Getting to Yes: Fifty Ways to Win an Argument.” “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Being a Pal.” In five seconds you just manipulated these two into agreeing with your point of view. [Chase and Foreman look defensive.] Fellas, this is known as “soft positional bargaining.” It’s not gonna work.

Cameron: Dr. House, are you saying that she doesn’t have a clot or are you saying that if she does have a clot she doesn’t need blood thinners and an angiogram?

House: Chase, put her on blood thinners, do an angiogram. [Cameron looks triumphant.] When that comes back negative, MRI the spine. If that’s clean, cut her open and biopsy the leg.

Cameron: Excellent suggestion.

House: Read less, more TV.

[Cut to a conference room in the hospital. Cuddy is talking to the board of directors.]

Cuddy: It’s rare for an individual to make a donation significant enough to impact an organization as large and unwieldy as a hospital. This donation does come with one string: that he be made Chairman of the Board. I think that’s a reasonable request. [Shot of Wilson, who is on the Board? Whoa.] I think he should have the right to know what it is we do with his $100 million. Please welcome our new Chairman of the Board, Edward Vogler. [All the board members clap, Vogler stands.]

Vogler: Thank you, thank you. When I was eighteen, my dad loaned me $20, 000 for a college tuition which he would have known was a mistake had he known that I wasn’t actually in college. [board chuckles] I took his money and invested in a friend who had a little business, and when my dad found out what I had done with his money, he and I didn’t talk much after that. But my friend’s business took off, and I used the profits from that to buy another company, and another, and I must have been pretty good at it, had a good eye, because before I knew it people were making offers for my company. And, uh, about a year ago I went public and overnight I was worth a billion dollars. So I went to see my dad. [Board chuckles, Cuddy looks to Wilson, who sort of smiles] I’ll admit, I wanted a little payback, you know, kind of shove the wind in his face, so I went upstate and sat in the kitchen I grew up in and, uh, he had no reaction. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t even know who I was. Because his Alzheimer’s had taken a turn for the worse, despite the best drugs and care out there, and that is why I’m here. What if my contribution to this hospital is the difference between no cure and a cure for cancer? The difference between a man not recognizing his wife of 35 years and being able to look at her and say, “Good morning, honey. I love you.” [Wilson now looks pensive and a little sad. (Hey, we keep coming back to Wilson and he doesn’t say anything… something must be important here!)] If there’s a disease out there killing people, I am writing you a blank check to fight back. [big smile] So, things are going to change, a lot. [more board clapping. Strangely enough, Wilson is the last one to start clapping, and it’s very subdued. Hmmm…]

[Cut to the x-ray room, where Carly is on the table and still punching messages into her Blackberry.]

Chase: I’m gonna have to ask you for the cell phone?

Carly: Do what you need to do, I’m okay.

Chase: Pretty sure my x-ray machine can take your phone in a fight. It’ll fry it.

Carly: [handing it over] Fine.

Jenny [the radiologist]: How old is she?

Chase: 32.

Jenny: Wow. She’s already the CEO of a public company.

Chase: She’s a workaholic. Okay Carly, hold still. The x-ray machine is gonna pass over your leg.

Carly: Okay.

Jenny: What’d you do with your time off?

Chase: Snowboarding in Stadt.

Jenny: Switzerland!

Chase: Do you ski or board? You can come with, if you like.

Jenny: Maybe we should start with a drink before we go ‘round the world.

Chase: Oh, you want to have a drink with me? [She hits him.] Oooh, very aggressive! I like that. [The x-ray commences.]

[Cut to Vogler and Cuddy walking in the hallway.]

Vogler: I want to run this place like a business.

Cuddy: What, you want to put more vending machines in the hallway? Maybe a roulette wheel?

Vogler: Nice one. But I’m serious. The product that you’re selling is good health, it shouldn’t be a tough sell. You don’t want to sell, it means people don’t care about your product. You care if people are healthy, or are you too proud for that? [Cuddy looks insulted, but Vogler looks over her and sees…] Who’s that? [A yo-yo, being played with by one Dr. House.]

Cuddy: That’s, uh, just one of our doctors.

Vogler: Aren’t doctors supposed to wear lab coats. [House lifts his head slightly to eavesdrop.]

Cuddy: He’s… different.

Vogler: Everyone’s buddy.

Cuddy: No, not exactly.

Vogler: Then why does he get away with it?

Cuddy: It’s just a coat. He’s very good.

Vogler: Hmm. [He walks off.]

[Cut to House in the clinic, giving a strep test to a young boy.]

House: Say “ah”.

Ricky: Ah.

House: No, really belt it out, like you’re gonna throw up.

Rick: Ah! [He coughs in House’s face.]

House: Perfect. Okay, that’s it. We should know in a couple of days what’s growing in your son’s throat. [The dad doesn’t say anything in response.] Hello?

Ricky: He can’t talk.

House: Excuse me?

Ricky: He had knee surgery.

House: Right…

Ricky: About a year ago, and then he couldn’t talk.

House: Right, yeah, well, that happens. You know, it’s very dangerous operating so close to the vocal chords. Okay, well, we’ll send your kid’s culture to the lab and somebody will call you. [As he’s leaving] BOO!

Ricky: AAH! [The dad looks frightened, but doesn’t say anything.]

House: Just wanted to see if your dad, uh, sorry. [He leaves.]

[Cut to Cuddy and House getting out of the elevator.]

Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.

House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Cuddy: Wear the coat.

House: Man oh man. Someone got spanked real good this morning.

Cuddy: Guy gives $100 million to cure cancer, pretty small concession to wear a lab coat.

House: Cure cancer. Is the hospital getting out of the dull business of treating patients?

Cuddy: You know that’s not what he’s doing.

House: I know exactly what he’s doing. He’s using us to run clinical trials.

Cuddy: Oh, shame on him! Saving lives like that!

House: [entering his office] It’s unethical. [Cuddy follows.] Oh, are you coming in, too? I thought I had you convinced.

Cuddy: Clinical trials save thousands of lives.

House: He’s using patients as guinea pigs.

Cuddy: Pharmaceutical companies do that every day.

House: Are we a pharmaceutical company? We’re gonna wind up pressuring desperate patients into choices that are bad for them, good for us. You’re gonna compromise patient care.

Cuddy: Who the hell am I talking to? Suddenly ethical lapses are a major concern for you?

House: What’s interesting is it suddenly doesn’t bother you.

Cuddy: So, if you ignore ethics to save one person it’s admirable, but if you do it to save a thousand you’re a bastard. All he’s done is taken your game and gone pro.

House: He’s not going to kill a few patients. He’s going to kill this hospital.

Cuddy: It took him three seconds to size you up, and surprise? He doesn’t like you. Wear the damn coat.

[Cut to Foreman entering Carly’s room. Carly’s curled up on her side.]

Foreman: Hello. I’m Dr. Foreman, I work with Dr. House. Our initial tests say you’re fine. We think you may have had a clot but it resolved on its own, so we’re gonna keep you overnight to be safe and you can go back home tomorrow. Or, back to work. Hey, you okay. [Carly whimpers in pain, clutching her leg. Foreman runs to the other side of the bed. Then she SCREAMS in pain.] [to the nurse] Get in here! I need a line in her, IV morphine, stat!

[Cut to House entering the Diagnostic offices.]

Chase: Get any read on the new Chairman of the Board?

Foreman: Yeah, he took your parking space.

Cameron: It’s not necessarily bad news.

Foreman: Do you ever watch “Gilligan’s Island” reruns and really, really think they’re gonna get off the island this time?

Cameron: We should introduce ourselves. It couldn’t hurt.

House: [getting coffee] Make him a bundt cake. Patient hit a ten on the pain scale. What would explain that?

Chase: There was no clot in her leg, the angio was totally clean.

House: What about the muscle biopsy?

Chase: No neurogenic or myopathic abnormalities.

Foreman: She’s also negative for trichinosis, no toxoplasmosis or polyarteritis nodosa.

Cameron: Robert, what was her sedimentation rate?

Chase: Normal, Allison, therefore no inflammation, no immunologic response.

Cameron: Do you mind sharing that number with me? [Foreman and Chase try to stop from smiling.]

Chase: Fifteen, Allison.

Cameron: Are you mocking me?

Foreman: Duh, Allison.

Cameron: I’m just suggesting we look outside the box. What if her sed rate is elevated?

Chase: Well, let’s go further outside the box. Let’s say the angio revealed a clot, and let’s say we treated that clot, and now she’s all better, and personally thanked me by performing –

Cameron: My Aunt Elisa lives in Philiadelphia.

House: Oh, it’s storytime! Let me get my baba.

Cameron: Her normal temperature is 96.2, not 98.6 like you and me. If her temperature were 98.6, she’d have a fever. I’m just wondering if you think we could apply the same logic to Carly’s sed rate.

House: That’s absurd. I love it.

Cameron: If 15 is high for Carly, then she has inflammation.

House: Which could, in turn, mean cancer. I’ll talk to Wilson. Next time, skip Aunt Elisa.

[Cut to House and Wilson in the hallway.]

Wilson: You’re probably talking about a primary bone cancer. Can be tricky to detect, you’ll need a bone scan –

House: That’s why I’m talking to an oncologist.

Wilson: Sure, I’ve nothing better to do besides departmental meetings and budget reports… new Chairman of the Board, you know.

House: Oh! I hadn’t heard.

Wilson: Right. Clinical trials…

House: Completely unethical.

Wilson: And a very bad omen for you. There’s not much money in curing African sleeping sickness.

House: No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year-old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys’ choirs: those are bad omens. This is much more mundane: a billionaire wants to get laid.

Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.

House: And the reason you want respect?

Wilson: To… get laid.

House: Okay then. You’ve just gotta think like a billionaire. [Wilson smiles.] Let’s see, big scary changes, and then, “Oh, Dr. Cameron, we should have dinner to discuss your future on my G-5 private jet.”

Wilson: Oh, come on. You know how good you have it here.

House: Yes, I’m the big poobah, the big cheese, the go-to guy.

Wilson: You do the cases you want to do, when you want to do them. You’re not going to get that anywhere else.

House: Relax, I’ve been through three regime changes in this hospital. Every time, same story.

Wilson: Just keep your head down, that’s all I’m saying. And put on your coat.

House: It itches. [Wilson sighs and leaves. House calls after him.] So, are you going to do this bone scan for me or what?

Wilson: Yes. [House throws a Vicodin up in the air and catches it in his mouth.]

[Cut to House sleeping his yo-yo, waiting for Dr. Simpson.]

House: Dr. Simpson! Did you hear? New management. I’m thinking about switching to orthopedics. How much do you guys get for massage now, without the happy ending?

Simpson: Dr. House, what do you want?

House: You remember a guy named Van Der Meer? Not a big talker. You fixed his ACL.

Simpson: Well, not according to my medical malpractice premiums.

House: Didn’t get hypertensive during surgery? No strokes? Maybe some connectivity loss?

Simpson: What, you’re going to get involved now?

House: I’m not involved. Guy brought his son into the clinic.

Simpson: I didn’t touch the son. I’m not taking any responsibility there.

House: The son’s fine. Can’t shut him up. The dad show any signs of cortical disease? Wernicke’s?

Simpson: No. Nothing. And that’s why we settled; because we couldn’t find anything. The guy got over a million dollars, don’t tell me he’s complaining.

House: He’s not saying “boo”.

[Cut to Robin and Carly, conducting business in a hospital room.]

Robin: Your father wants to know when you’ll be back from your trip.

Carly: Email back. It’s “taking longer than I thought.” He doesn’t need to see me like this.

Robin: What about your brother?

Carly: No. [Wilson enters.]

Wilson: Hello. I’m Dr. Wilson. I was –

Carly: Robin, I’m going to need a minute.

Robin: Oh. [Robin collects all of the papers off of Carly’s bed and hurries out.]

Carly: [as she leaves] Thank you. [to Wilson, as he shuts the door] There are two Dr. Wilsons in the hospital. One in ophthalmology and one in cancer. [Wilson sits.] My eyes are fine, so you’re here to tell me I have cancer.

Wilson: There’s no cancer in your bone.

Carly: You’re not smiling.

Wilson: There’s something called referred pain. You could have cancer in one part of your body that presents in another. Given your age and your family history, I’m thinking your colon.

Carly: [to herself] Great. [to Wilson] I was at Columbia when my mom died. Now there’s a blast. Cleaning up her vomit and running to my econ final. Look, if I’m a short-timer give me drugs, I’ll go back to work, I’ll die there.

Wilson: Whoa. There’s a quick test to see if you even have it, a colonoscopy.

Carly: I know how you do that test. [She shakes her head.]

Wilson: If you have colon cancer, we can treat it, it’s early.

Carly: That’s what they told my mom. She was dead six months later.

Wilson: You’re a smart person about to make a very bad decision. You know, cancer treatment’s come a long way in twelve years, but if you don’t do this now –

Carly: I don’t want to be looked at! [pause]

Wilson: There is another way. We could do a virtual colonoscopy. Basically, we do a CT scan of your colon. It’s non-evasive, but it’s very expensive. I assume that’s not a problem. [Carly looks at him.] Say yes.

[Cut to the clinic. House enters a room with Dad Van Der Meer.]

House: Mr. Van Der Meer. [Dad is typing on his laptop.] What? [Dad types “wHats werong gwith ricky”] Relax, Ricky’s going to be just “finkf”. Strep throat, here’s a prescription for an antibiotic. He should be all better in a few days. Although, [House turns around wielding a needle] this might sting a little. [He approaches the dad, who looks frightened. House looks up to the ceiling, and when the dad looks up, House injects him in the neck.] I want to see you again real soon. [Evil smile!]

[Cut to Wilson and House walking in a hallway.]

Wilson: Virtual colonoscopy was clean. No colon cancer.

House: What happened to a regular old-fashioned colonoscopy?

Wilson: She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!

House: Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?

Wilson: She’s scared.

House: But not of tests. Just embarrassing ones.

Wilson: Yeah.

[Cut to House, entering his office. Chase is sitting in his chair, which he vacates.]

House: It’s not an inflammatory process, it’s not a clot because Chase’s angio says so, and it’s not cancer because her toosh is perfect. Anybody else got an Aunt Elisa with weird stuff? [He looks at the angiogram.]

Cameron: Maybe it’s worth looking into –

House: I thought you said Carly’s angio was clean.

Chase: It was clean. [House puts the scans up on his light board.]

House: You guys see the problem here? [Foreman gets up to get a closer look.]

Foreman: There’s no indication of any abnormalities. No lesions, no spurs, no masses –

House: Her toes are screwed up. They’re backwards. Do you guys know how much surgery it’s going to take to swap them back?

Chase: What are you talking about?

House: Either she literally has two left feet or you angio-ed the wrong leg.

Chase: [gets up to look] That’s impossible. It can’t be the wrong –

House: Or maybe it was Jenny! How come some resident signed this radiology form? Were you even in the room?

Chase: I’ll redo her angio straight away –

House: You’ll do nothing! Foreman, you do the angiogram. [Foreman leaves.]

Chase: I can’t believe I did that.

[Cut to Foreman performing the angiogram.]

Carly: Why do we have to redo the angiogram?

Foreman: There was a shadow on the first test.

Carly: A shadow? A shadow means there could be a blood clot, right? I read Colin’s current therapy.

Foreman: Real page turner. No, it’s not that kind of shadow.

Carly: My chest hurts.

Foreman: It’s from the tracer I injected. Might also get a little nauseous, or have a metallic taste, all normal.

Carly: I’m a runner. I shouldn’t feel like this.

Foreman: Carly, I’m looking at your vitals right now, and –

Carly: I can’t breathe. [She starts to choke.]

Foreman: Carly?

Carly: My chest… [Foreman grabs his stethoscope and listens to her lungs.] My chest. [CG shot of fluid filling her lungs.]

Foreman: Respiratory arrest, call the code.

Tech: What’ve you got?

Foreman: She’s drowning. [Carly starts to flail.]

[Cut to House, looking at the white board in his office.]

[Cut to Foreman, draining Carly’s lungs, as Cameron talks to House in his office.]

Cameron: Foreman did a thoracentesis to drain the fluid from her lungs. They sent the fluid to the lab, it’ll be back in a few hours. You’ll be happy to know that Chase’s mistake didn’t cost her. Angio revealed no clot.

House: I’m thrilled. [Cameron leaves. House is still staring at the white board. While thinking, he twirls his cane, throws his ball…. He ends up erasing the board with Carly’s physical symptoms, and starts to write her psych symptoms.]

[Cut to Carly, sleeping. House comes over to her bed, and lifts the sheet over her right thigh, revealing a series of scar marks from cutting.]

[Cut to Wilson, reviewing charts outside. House comes up to him and taps his cane on the table.]

Wilson: Okay, see, now you’re just being stubborn. It’s cold, perfectly good excuse to wear your lab coat.

House: Carly needs a heart transplant.

Wilson: Thoracentesis revealed a transudate?

House: Haven’t gotten it back yet.

Wilson: Her MUGA scan, what was the ejection fracture? Maybe you could treat it, surgically.

House: Haven’t done the MUGA.

Wilson: How do you know she needs a heart transplant?

House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.

Wilson: Since when do I need the secret pass code to talk to you?

House: I can’t tell you anything. Professional responsibility.

Wilson: Like that matters to you.

House: Not my professional responsibility, yours. New regime, you gotta keep your head down, too.

Wilson: Now, that’s good thinking, because I was going to go right to Cuddy and rat you out as soon as you were done talking.

House: I’m not saying you want to, I’m saying you’d be obligated to.

Wilson: Because of my position on the Board? [House looks at him.] Because of my position on the transplant committee? [House says nothing.] Hey, you brought this up for a reason. You need to talk to me.

House: I can’t.

Wilson: You sure you’re doing the right thing?

House: I’ve come up with a few really great rationalizations. [Chase and Cameron walk up.]

Chase: Sorry to interrupt. We have a problem.

Cameron: Thoracentesis revealed a transudate. [Wilson looks, well, amazed.] We did an echo. She’s in severe congestive heart failure. She needs a heart transplant. We’ll get her on the list immediately –

House: She’s already on the list.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Vogler knocks on the door.]

Cuddy: Come in.

Vogler: Thanks. What is a “Department of Diagnostic Medicine”?

Cuddy: That’s Dr. House’s department. They deal with cases that other doctors can’t figure out.

Vogler: It’s a financial black hole. [He sits.] Department costs us $3 million a year, treat one patient a week.

Cuddy: He saves one patient per week.

Vogler: What about everyone else? His department’s not going to find the cure for breast cancer.

Cuddy: Uh, maybe not, but –

Vogler: Are you sleeping with House?

Cuddy: [a bit shocked] What? No.

Vogler: But you did, right? A long time ago?

Cuddy: That’s an incredibly inappropriate question.

Vogler: If your judgment is compromised by prior or current relationship, that is my business.

Cuddy: I respect him, that is all you need to know.

Vogler: He’s still not wearing a coat.

Cuddy: Well, I told him –

Vogler: I’m sure you did. And yet, he’s not wearing it. I’m just wondering if that’s a reflection on him, or on you. [Cuddy gives a non-smile.]

[Cut to Carly’s room. House walks in.]

Carly: You’re Dr. House. I found a picture of you online at a conference –

House: You need a heart transplant.

Carly: I run, I work out, I –

House: You cut yourself. Probably highly ritualized. You play the same Sarah MacLaughlin song over and over while you do it, probably works better than anti-depressants.

Carly: I don’t understand how that has to –

House: You’re a high-powered bulimic. You make yourself throw up. You have to find the most efficient way to vomit without revealing the tell-tale signs of bulimia, which is all, eugh. Very unseemly, for a CEO. So, you found a common antidote for accidental poisoning to do the job: ipecac. Which is great, if your kid’s just swallowed a bottle of aspirin, but really, really bad if it’s a habit. It causes muscle damage. It caused the pain in your leg. And it destroyed your heart. How often do you do it?

Carly: Three times a week.

House: In about an hour, there’s going to be an emergency meeting of the transplant committee to discuss where you fall on the list should a new heart become available. Problem is, I am required to tell the committee of your bulimia, it’s a major psychiatric condition. Ranks right up there with suicidal, makes you a very bad risk.

Carly: So you’re here to tell me I have just a few hours to live?

House: Unless I lie to the committee. But if they find out, I lose my medical license. This would be a very good time to offer me a bribe. How much is your life worth, how much is my job worth –

Carly: Why are you here doing this to me? What do you want?

House: I want to know what’s right.

Carly: Am I worth it? You think I’m pathetic. Has a good job, everything in the world, but she just doesn’t like the way that she looks –

House: Oh, stop hiding! [Carly looks taken aback at his yelling.] I’m asking you if you want to live or die, you can’t even say that!

Carly: What do you want me to do? Cry?

House: Yes! I want you to tell me that your life is important to you, because I don’t know! [pause] Because that’s what’s on the table right now: your life. [He turns to leave; Carly grabs his arm.]

Carly: [crying] I don’t want to die. I don’t.

[Cut to House, sitting in front of the transplant committee.]

House: This 32-year-old female was admitted by my staff because of paralysis and pain in her right thigh. Patient rapidly deteriorated and now has severe congestive heart failure. Pressers and vasodilators have not improved her conditions whatsoever. Pulmonary function tests show an FVC of over 3 liters with EDD-1 of at least 90% of predicted. And preserved FEB/FEC ratio and preserved DLCO as well. [Ed note: These were rattled off so fast, I have no clue if the acronyms are right.] Her MUGA had an ejection fraction of 19% with no focal wall or motion abnormalities. Heart catheterization revealed clean left, right and circumflex arteries, and subsequent biopsy revealed irreversible cardial myopathy. [wrapping up] Which is why we’re here.

Cuddy: Uh, Dr. House, I’m confused by your time and date stamps. It appears that you put Carly on the transplant list before you did these tests.

House: I had a hunch.

Cuddy: You don’t have hunches. You know.

House: Look, if the tests had come back differently, obviously I would have taken her off the lists, but on the long shot… [Vogler walks in and takes a seat on the sidelines] On the long shot I was right, I didn’t want to waste time.

Cuddy: Is there any exclusion criteria we should know about?

House: CAT scan revealed no tumors and Dr. Wilson found no trace of cancer.

Cuddy: What about any other criteria?

House: No atherosclerotic vascular disease –

Cuddy: Are there any –

House: No pneumonia, no bacteriemia, no Hep-B or C or any other letters.

Cuddy: Substance abuse? Any history of –

House: No alcohol, no drugs.

Cuddy: Any psychiatric conditions, history of depression –

House: She’s a little blue, but turns out she needs a heart transplant. [Cuddy glances at Vogler, who gives her a pointed look.]

Cuddy: Dr. House, if you subvert or mislead this committee, you will be subject to disciplinary action. [pause]

House: Dr. Cuddy, do you have any reason to think that I would lie?

Cuddy: I simply want you to answer the question! Is there anything on the recipient exclusion criteria that would disqualify your patient from getting a heart?

House: [looks at Wilson and Vogler before answering] No.

[Cut to House looking through his office window. It’s raining ouside. Wilson walks in.]

House: Beautiful organ donor weather.

Wilson: [in his best “hands-on-hips” confrontation voice] You lied, didn’t you?

House: I never lie.

Wilson: Big mistake.

House: Then you should have voted against putting her on the list.

Wilson: You’re my friend.

House: Oh, jeez. Have some backbone. If you think I’m wrong, do something.

Wilson: Wait, you’re getting mad at me for sticking up for you?

House: You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.

Wilson: Our friendship is an ethical responsibility. [House’s beeper beeps.] What is it?

House: My patient’s getting a heart.

[Cut to the OR, and the surgeon making the first cut for the transplant. Shot of the bonesaw.]

[Cut to the Ducklings in the Diagnostic office. Chase is staring out at the rain.]

Cameron: He’s not gonna fire you.

Foreman: I’d fire you. Bye bye.

Chase: If I screw up, the patient dies… I’ll never get another job.

Foreman: So go stick your head between your legs and lick your wounds in Stadt.

Chase: Well, I like it here. [pause] You guys don’t think it’s weird House knew the patient needed a heart transplant before we did any heart tests?

Cameron: That’s House. He knows things.

Chase: But usually, he’s putting it in our face, telling us how cleverly he figured it out. This time, nothing. Just “I had a hunch.”

Foreman: It is weird.

[Cut to Chase, looking through Carly’s hospital room. He goes through her magazines, her purse… and he finds the bottle of ipecac.]

[Cut to the OR. Carly’s heart is now exposed.]

Surgeon: Okay, ready for the donor heart. [They inject her heart and we hear the monitors flatlining.]

[Cut to House’s office, inhabited by Cameron. House walks in.]

Cameron: They just stopped Carly’s heart. And your dumb patient –

House: They’re all – oh, the guy who can’t talk.

Cameron: Mr. Van Der Meer, he scheduled an appointment to see you.

House: Oooh, goody.

Cameron: I wanted you to know Chase is worried you’re going to fire him.

House: It’s bad enough that screw-ups cost lives. Now we’ve got Vogler, screw-ups cost jobs. I want Chase scared. I want him doing everything he can to protect his job.

Cameron: Dr. House, if you were in his position wouldn’t you be more likely to perform well if you were reassured and –

House: Oh, will you stop it with the book! Why are you doing this?

Cameron: I’m not doing anything.

House: You’re manipulating everyone.

Cameron: People… dismiss me. Because I’m a woman, because I’m pretty, because I’m not aggressive. My opinions shouldn’t be rejected just because people don’t like me.

House: They like you. Everyone likes you. [He starts to walk away.]

Cameron: Do you? [dramatic pause. House stares at Cameron blankly.] I have to know.

House: No.

Cameron: [quietly] Okay. [She walks away.]

[Cut to the surgeon leaving the OR wing. House and Robin are waiting for him in the waiting area, House playing on his Game Boy.]

House: [looking at his watch] 5 hours, 23 minutes, that’s fast.

Robin: Is that good or bad?

House: It depends. Either surgery went really well, or it ended really abruptly.

Surgeon: Textbook. She’ll outlive us all.

House: Thank you.

[Cut to the clinic exam room, and Mr. Van Der Meer {or Dad, as we’re calling him).]

House: So, sing for me. [Dad looks at House, and then grabs his laptop.] Oh, no, no, no, no… come on, look. When you had your surgery, you were intubated. Surgeon stuck a tube down your throat. Now, it never happens, and it’s never caught, but it happens. Your vocal chords were paralyzed. I treated the spastic dysphonia with Botox. Ironically, a substance that tightens every other corner of your face actually loosens the tongue. I have healed you. You can talk. [Dad shakes his head.] Oh, well. [House goes to leave, and as he does…] BOOOO! [Dad grasps his laptop in fear, but no scream.] Okay, you don’t have to say anything, it can be our little secret. If you can talk, blink twice. [Dad stares at House.] But you’re not going to, because you think you won’t be entitled to the money you won in the settlement with Simpson. Yesterday I would have said you’d have to give the money back. Today… hospital’s come into a lot of money, mum’s the word. [Dad blinks twice, and House smiles. Dad smiles back, and all is cheery in Exam Room one.]

[Cut to Carly’s room. House is sitting by her bed, and pokes her awake.]

House: Hey.

Carly: Hey.

House: I know the cardiologist has given you some guidelines, schedule of medications, and a strict diet: just what someone with an eating disorder needs. So, I thought I’d get you started. [He grabs a Styrofoam take-out container.] Fried chicken from the Carnegie Deli.

Carly: You’re kidding.

House: Yeah. Actually, I got it downstairs. [Carly laughs a bit.]

Carly: Why did you fight for me? You risked so much, and you hardly know me.

House: You’re my patient. Don’t screw it up. [Carly nods, and House leaves.]

[Cut to House’s office. The Who’s “Baba O’Riley” is playing through his iPod stereo, and House is playing air synthesizer on his desk, totally rocking out. Cut to Vogler walking (stalking?) down the hallway. He starts to air play the piano part, and Vogler walks in his office.]

House: [over the music] Love this part! [switches to air drums, and… Vogler turns off his music] Okay. He ruined it.

Vogler: Just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I’m Edward Vogler, new Chairman of the Board. In a way, I guess that makes me your boss.

House: I am sorry about the lab coat thing. The dry cleaners destroyed it. [Vogler laughs and sits.]

Vogler: That was my very first heart transplant meeting, very exciting.

House: Trust me. Six Flags, way more exciting.

Vogler: Patient’s very lucky to have such a passionate doctor who stands up for what he believes in.

House: Sweet of you to say.

Vogler: Yeah. ‘Fraid you’ve been duped, though. [He pulls out the bottle of ipecac from his pocket.] The nurse found this in the patient’s purse. [pause]

House: Oh, my. If only I’d known.

Vogler: Tough being a doctor. You’ve got all that power. The power to play God.

House: Yes, I don’t envy the transplant committee their responsibility. They basically would have been forced to kill that poor girl. I’m not sure I could have done that.

Vogler: This is not a game to me, Dr. House.

House: No. This is actually more like we’re dancing right now, so let’s get to the point. You don’t like me. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like you. It’s nothing personal, I don’t like anybody. But none of that really matters, does it, because you’ve got money, and I’ve got tenure. You need full board approval to get rid of me. I’ve got Cuddy.

Vogler: Right.

House: And Wilson. So, as long as we’re stuck with each other, we might as well ignore each other. [He turns on the iPod and out comes “Hava Nagila”. The music is quickly turned off.] That wasn’t nearly as dramatic as I was hoping.

Vogler: [smiles as he rises] I looked into that tenure thing, and you’re right. It’s actually easier for me to get rid of a board member like Cuddy or Wilson than to get rid of a doctor. That’s interesting, isn’t it? [House is left with something to think about.]

[Cut to House leaving the hospital through the main lobby, The Who blaring once again.]


THE END