Season 1 X 22 : Honeymoon

Original Airdate: 5/24/2005
Written by: Lawrence Kaplow & John Mankiewicz
Directed by: Fred Keller
Transcript by: Mari

BEGINNING

[Opens in a nice restaurant. House is trying to balance his fork and spoon on the rim of his beer glass – quite a feat! Stacy drops down in the opposite seat (it’s a table for four) and the silverware falls off the glass.]

House: I gotta go.

Stacy: No, no, he’ll be here. I’m sure he’s just running a little late.

House: He’s cancelled two exams, he’s not gonna –

Stacy: He’s scared of you.

House: Sure. The ex-boy-toy. Eh, that makes sense.

Stacy: He wasn’t scared before.

House: Right, you think being afraid of me is a symptom of a serious ailment.

Stacy: Sudden mood swings, infantile regression, abdominal pain, he’s passed out twice, yeah! I think it might be a medical problem.

House: He’s twenty minutes late. I’m outta here.

Stacy: Please. [She puts her hand on his.] He’ll be here.

House: Why? Because he loves you and does everything he’s told?

Stacy: Because I didn’t tell him you’d be here. [She gives him a “Ha!” kind of look. House fixes the necklace Stacy’s wearing – a silver crucifix.]

House: He likes to see.

Stacy: Yes, he does. [And the husband walks up.]

Mark: Stace? What’s going on?

Stacy: Hey – [about to make introductions, but --]

House: Hi. I’m Gregg House. You must be Matt.

Stacy: Mark. [Mark extends a hand.]

Mark: Mark Warner. [They shake.] Don’t get up. [He sits, whispered to Stacy as he kisses her on the cheek] Sorry, pair of conferences.

Stacy: It’s okay.

Mark: Hi. Wow. Gregg House.

House: Yeah. Wow.

Mark: No, I haven’t been avoiding you, I just didn’t want to waste your time. The other doctors checked me out and they said it was just stress. College season, kids, parents, they’re all over me.

House: Makes sense to me.

Stacy: Greg –

House: What do you want me to do?

Stacy: You said you’d check him out!

House: He says he’s healthy. What’s to check out?

Mark: Sorry for the mix-up, but I’m glad you two got a chance to catch up. Looks like you’re having fun.

House: Oh, he’s good. If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything. I can’t tell you how much I like your fella.

Mark: Yeah, me too. You know, I thought you’d be all sarcastic, bitter, you know, because Stacy married me. [He puts an arm around Stacy to emphasize the fact.]

House: You know, we should do things together. Maybe throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.

Mark: We could go for a run together.

House: Hah! He’s Oscar Wilde!

Stacy: Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on. He needs to go to the hospital.

House: [raising his glass] Here’s to women. You can’t live with ‘em, you can’t kill ‘em until the neighbors are stripping in Atlantic City.

Mark: [raising his own glass] Damn straight. [They start to drink… and House finishes his glass first.]

House: I’m definitely taller.

Mark: I have more hair. And I think that… oh…

Stacy: Mark? [House gets up and guides Mark’s head to the table as he passes out.]

Paramedic: [entering the restaurant with a gurney] Someone call 911 for a wagon to Princeton-Plainsboro?

House: Garçon! [Translation corner: Garçon means “boy” in French, and is a not-too-nice way to address a waiter.] [He snaps his fingers to get their attention.] It’s okay, ladies and gentlemen, nothing to worry about. Unless you had the veal.

Stacy: You dosed him!

House: I told you, I’d check him out. I was a little worried they were gonna get here before he’d passed out. Would have been tougher to get him to drink. I’ll give you a ride. We can talk. [Stacy gives him a dirty look and walks out with the paramedics.]

[Cut to Cameron, Chase and Foreman in the Diagnostics office.]

Cameron: Tummyache, cranky, no apparent source. Any thoughts? Foreman, you gonna contribute, or you too tired from stealing cars? [Foreman looks up from his bowl of cereal.] I’m being House. It’s funny.

Foreman: I know. You made milk come out of my nose. [House enters.]

House: Morning. You guys got the file? What’s wrong?

Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.

House: Then we’re done! What do you think, ball game, zoo? I don’t care, I just want to hang with you guys.

Chase: What about drugs? His tox screen on admission showed a massive amount of chlorohydrate.

House: Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn’t think he’s sick.

Cameron: Who does?

House: His wife.

Cameron: The woman you used to live with.

House: That’s her Indian name. On her driver’s license it’s Stacy. I assume you have a point.

Cameron: You believe her over the patient himself. That’s why we’re taking this case.

House: The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it’s crazy, huh?

Cameron: What happened to “everybody lies”?

House: I was lying. Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that’s negative, ultrasound his belly. If that’s negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. [heading to his office] Did I miss anything?

Chase: Kitchen sink?

House: Well, we could certainly give that a – oh, you minx.

[Cut to House and Wilson walking in the hallway.]

Wilson: What you’re thinking is, you’re going to save him, be a hero, and win her back. It’s always impressive, that level of twisted narcissism.

House: She’s married. Big clue I lost the game.

Wilson: You can’t be within fifty feet of Stacy Warner.

House: I thought she wanted me to treat him.

Wilson: Treat the husband. Stay away from the wife.

House: But what if they get close to each other? What do I do then?

Wilson: Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case. [House gets into the elevator.] Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.

House: Please, don’t put me on a pedestal.

[Cut to Cameron, talking to Stacy and Mark (who is in a hospital bed).]

Cameron: We CTed your abdomen. Nothing that would explain the stomach pain. [Mark gives a “You see?” look to Stacy, who sighs.]

Stacy: What’s the next move?

Mark: Leaving. How many more tests do I need? How many more doctors need to clear me before we can get back to our life?

Stacy: Just one.

Mark: House.

Cameron: It must be awkward being treated by a man who used to be involved with your wife. [pause]

Mark: Well, it’s awkward being in a hospital when there’s nothing wrong with me.

[Cut to Cameron, House and Chase walking down the hall.]

Cameron: MRAs were clean, which means he’s probably fine. He doesn’t seem paranoid, he shows no signs of –

House: No, it means we have no idea what’s wrong with him. [Foreman walks up.]

Foreman: Ben Goldstein says the schedule’s locked. He can’t do it before tomorrow.

House: No, today. Call him. Tell him I’ll make it work.

Cameron: [as Foreman walks off again] You’re cutting him open?

House: [to Foreman] Whoa, hold it! There’s no need for exploratory surgery, Dr. Cameron has a diagnosis.

Cameron: No, I just think it’s premature and maybe irresponsible to do exploratory surgery before we know he’s actually sick.

House: No, it’s premature to put him on a list for hospice care. [Chase and Foreman both roll their eyes.] And it’s maybe irresponsible to imply my actions are not rationally supported.

Cameron: All we have is his wife –

House: Who says that his stomach hurts. Works for me.

Cameron: The patient doesn’t even think he’s sick. Why would he consent –

House: His wife’s a lawyer. She’s very convincing. Call Goldstein, surgery’s on. [House walks off, then Chase and Foreman, leaving Cameron standing in the hall with her mouth hanging open.]

[Cut to the OR. The surgery is underway; Foreman is watching from behind a window in the wall. As the camera shows a monitor of Mark’s insides (mmm!), we cut to the next scene.]

[Cut to Stacy, sitting on a couch in the waiting room, talking into a handheld tape player.]

Stacy: Leslie vs. Leslie seems to be right in point, but I’m sure they’re going to try to distinguish it by – [she pauses as something is said over the overhead speaker] – sorry, they’ll try to distinguish it by relying on the minority opinion. [A paper coffee cup is thrust under her nose, held by one Dr. House.]

House: Double milk, no sugar.

Stacy: I like sugar now. [House sits next to Stacy. They both look bored and somewhat anxious. House keeps tapping his cane on the floor.] Some people would be annoyed by that. [House taps on the floor a few more times.]

House: You know why people sit in waiting rooms?

Stacy: This is gonna be good.

House: People think the closer they’re sitting to the operating room, the more they care.

Stacy: That’s why I’m here. I’m not moving until everybody sees me.

House: Are you doing anybody besides Mark? [She looks at him.] It’s a medical question.

Stacy: Because if I am his paranoia isn’t paranoia, it’s a justified response? Therefore, not a legitimate symptom?

House: Knew you’d understand.

Stacy: On the other hand, if it was really just a medical question you would have sent one of your people. Why just push my buttons when you can push theirs, too? ‘Hey, Dr. Mandingo, ask the wife if she’s been messing around.’ You were asking because, if I am unfaithful, I might sleep with you. The answer’s ‘no, I don’t sleep around’. Make sure you note that in his file. [Foreman enters the scene.]

Foreman: Mrs. Warner. The surgery went well; he’s in recovery, you can see him now. [She leaves; House stands. Quietly to House --] Goldstein found nothing but a distended bladder.

House: Neurogenic bladder isn’t causing the pain.

Foreman: Also doesn’t cause personality changes. On the other hand, it would completely account for Cameron’s diagnosis – the patient’s completely healthy.

House: Give me the video for the surgery.

[Cut to a late night in House’s office, complete with delivery pizza. House is reviewing the video. He every so often gets up to walk around, play with the blinds, twirl his cane, look through books, etc. He thinks, at one point, that he sees something odd, but it turns out to be a spot on the television screen. He grabs a higher resolution screen from OB/GYN (and dude, it’s a Dell! Hurrah for product placement!), and finally spots something. He picks up his cell, and…]

House: Dr. Mandingo, you’re needed at the plantation house.

[Cut to the Ducklings in House’s office, looking very sleepy. They’re staring at the screen with blank expressions.]

House: Well, don’t everybody talk at once. [He pops a couple of Vicodin.]

Cameron: There’s nothing there. [House follows Cameron’s eyes to what she’s really looking at: a ¾ empty bottle of whisky.]

House: Stop looking at the suspiciously empty bottle and look at the screen. Here’s why I get the big bucks. This is nothing. An enhanced version of nothing. [He plays the tape a bit, then stops it.] This is the problem.

Foreman: Unbelievable.

Chase: Tremors in the muscle fiber.

Cameron: That’s not peristalsis. That’s abdominal epilepsy.

Foreman: Means there’s some sort of neurological problem.

House: A time bomb in his brain. I forget, who said it was nothing?

[Cut to Foreman monitoring Mark’s brain wave patterns.]

[Cut to Foreman talking to House on their way to the Diagnostics office.]

Foreman: Saw a very small diffuse abnormality in the brain waves. Probably white matter. Means his axonal nerves are dying. Explains the neurogenic bladder.

House: Enough nerves die, he dies.

Foreman: Global axonal nerve death. Likely causes are encephalitis or Alzheimer’s. [He starts to write on the white board.]

Cameron: Early onset Alzheimer’s. The worst.

House: He won’t die right away. He’ll just want to.

Cameron: We’ll check his blood for Alzheimer’s protein markers.

House: Last I heard Alzheimer’s had a genetic component. Patient have parents?

Cameron: [checks the history] Parents died in a car crash. No history of dementia.

House: Send CSF or CBC and viral serologies to rule out encephalitis, and get Tal proteins to check for Alzheimer’s. And this [wielding the history] still feels a little light.

Cameron: I took a complete medical history.

House: [to Foreman] Check out their house. Take Sparky with you.

Chase: They live in Short Hills, two hours away.

House: You can expense the tolls.

Cameron: You’re not interested in the medical history. You’re a Peeping Tom trying to spy on your ex.

House: [to Foreman and Chase as they leave] Her secret diary: that’s the main thing. But as long as you’re there, take a peek in the medicine cabinet. Check for toxins, heavy metals… anything that would explain this other than encephalitis or Alzheimer’s. [The men leave.] And get receipts for the tolls! [Cameron storms out, as well.]

[Cut to Cameron in the lab. Stacy enters.]

Stacy: Making lunch? I assume that’s for Mark.

Cameron: You know about his parents. What about further back? Grandparents, uncles, aunts, how’s their health? [Stacy rolls her eyes.]

Stacy: Gregg hates fishing. He’s got a theory.

Cameron: Mostly likely candidate right now is Alzheimer’s. [Stacy thinks about that.]

Stacy: No. There’s been no memory loss. I mean, he forgets where he left his keys, but who doesn’t?

Cameron: Any family history?

Stacy: Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That’s about it. [Cameron smiles, then takes off her glasses.]

Cameron: You were with House? When it happened? To his leg?

Stacy: You’re interested in him.

Cameron: We went on one date. It didn’t go very well.

Stacy: Our first date didn’t, either. I was never going to see him again. Week later I moved in. 5 years. What would you like to know?

Cameron: What was he like before his leg?

Stacy: Pretty much the same. [The machine beeps, and Cameron puts on her glasses to read the Test Results of Doom! Except…]

Cameron: He’s clear. No Alzheimer’s.

Stacy: Yeah, that’s what I figured.

[Cut to Foreman and Chase at Stacy and Mark’s home.]

Foreman: [uncovering a bike from under a tarp] Serious mountain bike. Hasn’t been used in a while, though.

Chase: [carrying a mat] He switched to yoga. Brand new yoga mat and tape.

Foreman: Man’s getting older.

Chase: Or it might indicate back pain.

Foreman: Wife would have mentioned it.

Chase: Yoga’s good for picking up the ladies, too.

Foreman: Not when you do it in your own home. The change could just be a change, not a symptom. [He opens a cabinet in the kitchen to find a plate of cookies with a note on them.] Chase! [reading the letter] “Dear House boys, a snack for your highly illegal search. Hope you like oatmeal raisin. Love, Stacy.”

Chase: Whoa. [hands a bottle full of pills to Foreman] In a desk drawer, hidden in the back under some papers. Secret stash.

[Cut to a shot of the pill bottle as House and company enter Diagnostics.]

Chase: Amphetamines.

Foreman: Regularly used, could lead to neurotoxicity. Explains the axonal nerve damage and the personality issues. [House picks up the bottle.]

House: On the other hand, prescribed to W. Brown.

Cameron: Fake name, fake prescription.

House: Could be, but the prescribing doc, his name’s real. This guy’s just had his license pulled for writing illegal prescriptions to high school kids.

Foreman: Mark’s a high school guidance counselor.

House: And Mr. Brown’s birth date makes him 17-years-old. You think maybe these were confiscated by a high school guidance counselor? [He pockets the bottle.] Anything else?

Chase: Uh, yeah, he switched from mountain biking to yoga, could have been indication –

House: He’s getting older. What did the CSF say about encephalitis?

Cameron: Said no. Champagne tap. No red cells, no white cells, serology’s negative.

House: Which means we’re back to Alzheimer’s.

Cameron: I told her he didn’t have it. The marker tests were negative.

House: Well, then you should have told her that. He could still have it. PET scan will reveal any change in metabolic activity in the cerebral cortex, run him through. And check his memory.

[Cut to Mark, ready to enter the PET scan.]

Foreman: We’re going to inject a chemical marker called FDDNP. Then I’m going to ask you a series of questions.

Mark: Test my memory.

Foreman: Yeah. First we’re gonna map out some specific brain functions, check out the engine before we take the car for a drive. [Foreman enters the room next to the machine, and finds House hiding in wait.] Checking up on me?

House: I like all the pretty lights. [The tech injects the chemical, and Mark starts to enter the machine.]

Foreman: Okay, [into the mike] here we go. Your full name?

Mark: Mark Warner.

Foreman: Is your mother living?

Mark: No.

Foreman: Limbic system’s intact. [into the mike] Okay, say you find a stamped envelope on the street. What do you do?

Mark: Find a mailbox and mail it.

House: Jeez, what a guy. His frontal lobe is working way better than mine. [into the mike] You remember when you got married?

Mark: Three years ago this July, who is that?

House: What? There could be a problem with his long-term memory. [in the mike] Big church wedding?

Mark: Is that House?

House: He remembers voices.

Foreman: This serves no diagnostic purpose.

House: I thought you skimped on the limbic system, there. Emotional reactions, I just want to be thorough. [in the mike] Did the atheistic bride wear a pretty, white dress?

Mark: Was she thinking of you? Is that what you medically need to know?

House: What jewelry did your bride wear?

Mark: She never wears any jewelry. Except that cross her mother gave to her. No underwear, either. At least, not that day. I remember because she ripped her pretty, white dress off in the car. Is that the sort of answer you’re looking for, Doctor?

House: I think I upset him.

Foreman: You gotta to stop this, now.

Mark: I remember the honeymoon was in Paris. I remember because we didn’t leave the room for two weeks. You want the details on that?

House: A little defensive.

Foreman: It’s not paranoia if someone’s out to get you.

[Cut to the roof of the hospital. House is standing up there, staring into the night. Stacy appears in the doorway.]

House: Here we go. [Stacy shoves him.]

Stacy: He’s sick, paranoid, and you keep hammering him about me?

House: The questions were designed to define the operational parameters of his limbic system –

Stacy: Elevate the words all you want, you were just screwing with him. Low even by your standards.

House: Medical screwing. It’s what I do.

Stacy: And then you run away like a 12-year-old. Go hide on the roof like you always do.

House: I haven’t been up here in five years. [a lengthy, awkward pause] I don’t know what’s wrong with him. It’s not Alzheimer’s, it’s not encephalitis, it’s not environmental, it’s not immunological. Every test is negative, every time. He’s perfectly healthy, but his brain is dying.

Stacy: It never occurred to me that you couldn’t figure out what’s wrong. [Stacy starts to cry, and House walks over to hug her.]

House: I haven’t given up.

Stacy: So what do we do?

House: We wait.

Stacy: For what?

House: Something to change. It’s one of the great tragedies of life, something always [they break apart], something always changes.

[Cut to Mark, lying in his hospital bed. He sits up and grabs his legs.]

Mark: Nurse! Nurse! [The Nurse runs in.]

[Cut to Stacy running out of the elevator, House not far behind. She enters Mark’s room.]

Stacy: What happened? What’s wrong?

Mark: My toes. They were numb, tingling, then nothing. No pain, nothing.

Stacy: It’s okay. They’re gonna take care of you.

Mark: I’m scared, Stacy. Hold my hand. [We see that Stacy is already holding Mark’s hand. CGI cam goes into Mark’s eye, and through neural passages that seem to short out at the end.]

Stacy: What’s happening?

House: Time marches on. He’s paralyzed.

[Cut to the office, late at night.]

Foreman: His symptoms mimic a peripheral nervous system under attack.

Chase: But he’s experiencing significant paresthesias, and he can’t move his hands or toes.

House: It’s peripheral. Guillain-Barre syndrome attacks there, not the brain.

Foreman: No, no. I already did an indirect Coombs’ test. No glutination, no antibodies!

House: Initiative! Like that. Start him on IV immunosuppress—

Foreman: No antibodies means he doesn’t have Guillain-Barre, period!

House: Period? More like dot dot dot. What if he has the virus but isn’t producing those antibodies?

Foreman: Come on, the chances of that are –

House: I didn’t ask about the Vegas line, I said “what if?”

Foreman: It would mean he’s sick and his body’s not doing anything about it.

Cameron: So we either fight it for him or it’s fatal.

House: Fatal sounds very bad to me.

Chase: But without the antibodies we can’t even test for it. We don’t know if we’re right.

House: The treatment isn’t all that dangerous, plasmapheresis and IVIG. If it works, we’re right. If he dies, it was something else.

[Cut to Mark, hooked up to a dialyzer and talking to Cameron.]

Mark: So the paralysis might not be permanent?

Cameron: That’s our hope, but the brain’s tricky. You never know. [House looks at Stacy, Stacy looks back.]

Mark: What was that?

Stacy: What?

Mark: With the head, the look.

Stacy: He just wants to talk to me.

Mark: Well, if it was medical he should be talking to me!

Stacy: I’ll be just outside the door.

Mark: Leave! Go talk to him! You’re gonna leave me anyway!

Stacy: No, that’s not gonna happen.

Mark: You left him, and he had a limp. If I can’t walk, or hold you… [he starts to cry]

Stacy: Honey, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to talk to him.

Mark: If I can’t feed myself?

Cameron: Mark, what you’re feeling, it’s not real. It’s the virus. [Mark starts to choke; Cameron looks into his mouth with her penlight.] Mark? His throat’s closing up, he can’t breathe. Code blue! [Nurses rush in.] He’s having a reaction to the IVIG, I need epi stat! [She tries to tube him but he keeps jerking around.] I can’t get the scope in his throat!

House: Stop that.

Cameron: He’s having an allergic reaction and he’s crashing!

House: No, he’s not. Look at his vitals. O2 stats are within range. I’m betting the only abnormal sign is sweaty palms. [Stacy, still holding his hand, nods.] Push two milligrams Ativan. [She pushes it, and Mark calms down.] Just a panic attack. Something obviously freaked him out. Can we talk now?

[Cut to House and Stacy walking out of the room.]

Stacy: You couldn’t just walk into the room?

House: He’s had five visitors drive down. I didn’t recognize any of them. Six more have sent him flowers, candy and a teddy bear, which I’m sure he finds very comforting. But I didn’t recognize any of the names on the cards.

Stacy: Shockingly, Mark has friends, and I have some new ones.

House: No, it’s not shocking that you have new friends. But it is shocking that you apparently dumped all your old ones.

Stacy: I haven’t.

House: No, I didn’t think so. I just think you didn’t tell any of them that you were down here. Now why would that be? [A doctor comes to use the telephone at the desk; they move to another spot.] Why would you not tell your oldest friends that you were taking Mark to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital to try to save his life?

Stacy: I’ve been busy! I haven’t kept track of who knows what.

House: See, my old friends are telling me to be careful. They seem to think –

Stacy: He. And he sent me the bear.

House: Figures. He seems to think that I’m not over you. It might be dangerous for me to spend time with you. I’m thinking your friends might have similar concerns. And so you didn’t tell him you’d be here, with me.

Stacy: What’s your point? That I’m still in love with you? I should abandon my dying husband and we should head for Rio?

House: No.

Stacy: Gregg, I appreciate what you’re doing for us, but maybe Wilson’s right. Maybe you should just stay away from me. [She walks off.]

[Cut to House working in his office. The phone rings, a fax comes through. House goes to look at it.]

[Cut to House, sitting at a bar. Wilson enters and sits next to him.]

Wilson: What’s up?

House: Love the bear, it was adorable.

Wilson: My wife’s going to kill me. We’re having company, she cooked.

House: I got Mark’s latest blood work, he’s not responding to treatment.

Wilson: I’m sorry.

House: I was happy. He’s my patient. I’m sure he’s a good guy, he’s probably a great guy. Probably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I’m just not sure if it’s because I want to be with her or if it’s because I want her to suffer.

[Cut to House entering Mark’s room.]

House: Hey. Is it okay if I talk to Stacy for a minute?

Stacy: I’ll be just outside, honey.

[Cut to the two of them walking down a hallway.]

House: You two are good together.

Stacy: You know nothing about Mark.

House: He took you to Paris, that’s good enough for me.

Stacy: We never went to Paris.

House: Your honeymoon. It’s been your dream city, you wanted to go since you were sixteen, he actually took you.

Stacy: No, I had to work. We spent the night in New York, then went back to Short Hills. What is it?

House: When did Mark switch from mountain biking to yoga?

Stacy: About a month ago. The same time he started getting sick, what does that mean?

House: We have two more symptoms.

[Cut to House’s office. House puts pictures of Mark’s brain up on the light board.]

House: Patient was asked a series of questions to determine the functionality of his brain.

Foreman: You grilled him about Stacy.

House: Whatever. Yeah, point is he told us everything we needed to know to diagnose him, that is if we use your fancy PET scan as a lie detector. See, it’s a very creative process, lying. Now, telling the truth is a much simpler process. See here. Question nine, this is where Mark gives a long, rambling answer about taking Stacy to Paris. What does the PET scan say?

Foreman: Minimal involvement. Just the frontal and temporal lobes.

Chase: He said he went to Paris and the PET confirms it, so what?

House: They didn’t go. They didn’t go to Paris, and yet Mark’s brain apparently thinks that he really did spend 40 francs on a tour of the Bastille. [He starts to erase the white board.] So we have an intermittent syndrome that presents with abdominal pain, polyneuropathy, paranoia and delusions. Now, here’s the thing about Acute Intermittent Porphyria. It’ll jump you in a dark alley, beat the crap out of you, leave you bleeding. But it leaves gloves, so no fingerprints. Doesn’t show up in blood tests, urine tests, nothing. Unless you catch it red handed in the middle of an attack.

Chase: But there are other symptoms of AIP.

House: Such as?

Chase: Light sensitivity?

House: Yeah, well, one of the true tragedies of this condition is it makes you want to stick your cool, new mountain bike in the garage and take up an indoor sport like, say, yoga. Start the treatment: hematin and glucose.

Cameron: If you give him hematin and you’re wrong, he dies today.

Foreman: There’s only one way to confirm AIP: urine sample made during the attack.

Chase: And there’s no way to predict when he’ll have another attack.

House: Sure there is.

[Cut to the team talking to Stacy in Mark’s room.]

House: Acute Intermittent Porphyria has very specific triggers. Barbiturates, alcohol, high levels of protein set off an attack.

Stacy: Which trigger do you think set off Mark’s?

House: Not the faintest idea, that’s why I’m going to give him the combo plate.

Stacy: So if he has this, and you trigger the attack, the attack makes him worse. Right?

House: Yeah. But then we’ll know what it is and we can treat it.

Mark: What if I don’t have this thing and you give me that shot? What happens?

House: No idea. If we don’t know what’s messing up your brain we don’t know how you’ll react.

Stacy: Okay, I need a minute with my husband. [The team leaves. Mark is shown talking through the glass, then Stacy gets up and leaves.] He doesn’t want the trigger. He wants to wait, see if we can come up with another explanation. If it is the AIP, how much time does he have?

House: No idea. Next attack could be fatal. Could be six months from now, could be five minutes from now.

Stacy: I want you to test him.

House: Fine. I’ll send for a HMB synthetase mutation, genetic test. Lab will get back to us in a month.

Stacy: Give him the cocktail, set off an attack.

House: No.

Stacy: Why not?

House: Because he doesn’t want me to.

Stacy: I’m not going to sue you. I’m not going to report you.

House: He might.

Stacy: He’s paralyzed! Either you cure him, or he won’t be writing any letters.

House: I’m not gonna do it.

Stacy: Why not?

House: You keep asking me that question; my answer doesn’t change. I gave him the parameters, it’s his call.

Stacy: You want him to die.

House: I diagnosed him, I did my job. You want somebody to tie him down and force him into treatment, well, you’re way better at that than I am.

Stacy: Is that what this is? Payback for your leg? How many times have we been over this; I saved your life.

House: Yeah, maybe.

Stacy: You’re going to kill my husband to teach me a lesson?

House: No, he’s going to die because he’s too stubborn to make the right choice.

Stacy: Now we’re in your territory.

House: I’m respecting your husband’s decision, I don’t see why you’ve got a problem with that.

Stacy: Because it’s crap! Because you browbeat patients, intimidate them, lie to them. If you think you’re right you don’t give a damn what they think. I did what you do all the time, the only difference is I did it to you.

House: He’ll never forgive you.

Stacy: Yeah, he will.

[Cut to the doctors with Mark.]

Foreman: Still no change.

Stacy: He’s not getting worse?

Foreman: No, no change at all.

Stacy: And that’s consistent with AIP, right? Until he has another attack his condition’s stable?

Cameron: Yeah.

Stacy: Mark, you’ve got to –

Mark: I don’t want to take that test. Not until they’re sure.

Stacy: You don’t know Gregg.

Mark: Not like you do. I only met him when he drugged me.

House: [at the doorway] Boy, are my ears burning.

Mark: What’s that?

House: [holding up a syringe] Cocktail hour. Just because you can’t hoist a few doesn’t mean you should be left out.

Mark: Get away from me.

Stacy: Mark, this is what he thinks is wrong with you.

Mark: You trust his judgment more than mine?

Stacy: His medical judgment.

Mark: And you’d bet my life on that.

Stacy: I would.

Mark: I don’t.

House: Smart. Too bad you’re paralyzed. [He takes the IV to push the syringe, but Foreman stops him.] Bing! Paging Dr. Foreman! Leave the room. It’s not your problem.

Foreman: You need the consent from him.

House: Doc, he ain’t right in the head!

Cameron: Then you need a court order.

House: Okay, then get one. We’ll wait here. I won’t do nothin’. [The three Ducklings have moved so they’re forming a wall between House and Mark’s bed.] Oh, love the Musketeer thing. I got goosebumps.

Cameron: [holding out her hand] Give me the syringe.]

Stacy: [near tears] Please, if you’re right this may be his only shot.

House: So what’s your plan? You take the big, dark one, I’ve got the little girl and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough. I can’t do it. [He turns away, everyone relaxes, and then BOOM! House sticks the syringe in Mark’s leg.]

Mark: You son of a bitch!

House: See what I did there?

Stacy: When does it happen?

Chase: [checking Mark’s vitals] If he had AIP, it should have already happened.

House: Everyone’s different.

Foreman: This is not good. He could have embolism, tachycardia, stroke – [Foreman is interrupted by Mark, who goes into an attack.]

Stacy: What’s happening?

Chase: Two milligrams of Ativan!

Stacy: Is that an attack? [Cameron runs over with the Ativan, but House swipes it away with his cane.]

House: No, you’ll pollute the sample! Chase, get urine from the catheter.

Foreman: It’s not an attack, he’s stroking!

Chase: He needs Ativan!

House: This is not a stroke! Delta wave bursts just at the base of the spasm. [The catheter falls to the floor.]

Chase: Catheter’s out, there’s no way to collect the sample

Foreman: Heart rate’s in the 40s, bradycardia, we’re losing him!

House: Hold him down!

Stacy: Give him something!

House: No pain killers!

Foreman: You were wrong! [House doesn’t listen, but grabs a syringe and sticks the needle into Mark’s bladder, pulling out the urine sample.]

House: Straight from the bladder, that’s as fresh as it gets. Will you give him the Ativan already? He doesn’t need to be awake for this.

[Cut to the lab, where House is performing tests on the urine sample. He swirls the urine after adding the chemical to it.]

Cameron: It’s still yellow.

House: [grabbing a lamp] Move.

Cameron: What?

Chase: You think another light’s gonna make the difference?

House: Organic chem.. More lights, more oxidation. Ring any bells? [The sample turns black.] Start the patient on 150 milligrams glucose, 75 milligrams hematin. [The three younger doctors leave, leaving House alone to breathe.]

[Cut to Mark and Stacy. Stacy is holding Mark’s hand, which moves.]

Mark: Hey.

Stacy: Hey.

Mark: You want to thumb wrestle? Come on. [Stacy gives him a kiss.] He’s still a maniac.

Stacy: I know. [House is watching behind the blinds. Cameron is watching House.]

Cameron: Dr. House? How’s he doing?

House: [looking in again] Never better.

Cameron: I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn’t love me. It’s okay. I’m happy for you. [She walks off.]

[Cut to House’s office. He opens the blinds to look at the rain. Stacy enters.]

Stacy: You fixed him.

House: De nada.

Stacy: Thank you. You were right.

House: He’s gonna be fine.

Stacy: No, about me. I’m not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can’t be with you.

House: So I’m the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can never be the guy.

Stacy: What’s so great about you, you always think you’re right. What’s so frustrating about you is you are right so much of the time. You are brilliant, funny, surprising, sexy… but with you I was lonely, and with Mark there’s room for me.

House: Okay. [Stacy kisses him on the cheek, then leaves.]

[Cut to House getting out of the elevator in the lobby. Cuddy, running down the stairs, meets up with him.]

Cuddy: I want to run something by you.

House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need –

Cuddy: Stacy’s husband is going to need close monitoring at the hospital. And since we can definitely use her back here, I’ve offered her a job. General Counsel.

House: Did she say yes?

Cuddy: She said only if it was okay with you. [House starts to walk off as The Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” plays ironically in the background.] Yes or no?

House: Fine. Good.

[Cut to House’s place. House pours himself a drink and downs it. He throws his cane over to the couch, attempts to take a normal step, and collapses. He sits back on the piano bench.]

[Cut to Mark and Stacy, hugging on the hospital bed. Woo!]

[Cut to House, who takes his bottle of Vicodin out of his pocket, shakes out a pill, tosses it in the air, and catches it in his mouth.]


END

Season 1 X 21 : Three Stories

Original Airdate: 5/17/2005
Written by: David Shore
Directed by: Paris Barclay
Transcript by: Mari

BEGINNING

[Opens in Cuddy’s office.]

Cuddy: Dr. Riley is throwing up; he obviously can’t lecture

House: You witnessed the spew, or you just have his word for it? I think I’m coming down with a little bit of the clap. I may have to go home for a few days.

Cuddy: [laughing] Dr. Riley doesn’t have a history of lying to me.

House: You said this is the fifth time he’s missed a class this year! Either he’s dying or he’s lying.

Cuddy: I’ll give you two hours off clinic duty.

House: Fine, I’ll have Cameron do it. She loves inspiring the inspired. [He starts to walk off.

Cuddy: You’ll do it.

House: [turning back] Why is it always me?

Cuddy: Because the world hates you. Or because it’s a class on diagnostics. Pick whatever reason feeds your narcissism better.

House: I’m not doing it. [He leaves, stops at the door, and walks back in.] You’re supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.

Cuddy: Hmm, and you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.

House: I’ll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.

Cuddy: Two. I know you’d rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients. Class starts in twenty minutes. [House leaves into the lobby of the clinic.]

Brenda: Dr. House, there’s a patient.

House: I’m outta here, take it up with Cuddy.

A voice: Greg. [House turns at the clinic doors to see… the infamous Stacy, waiting with a bunch of papers and x-ray films. She walks up to him; House looks… well, it’s hard to describe. Run over by a bus sounds good.]

House: Hi, Stacy.

Stacy: How’re you doing?

House: How am I doing? Well, the last five years have been like… you ever see those “Girls Gone Wild” videos?

Stacy: Your life’s been like that, or your life’s been spent watching them? [They both kind of smile.] I have missed you.

House: Is that why you’re here? [Stacy shakes her head.]

Stacy: I need your help. [She hands him the films; he limps over to the clinic desk to take a look.]

House: Who am I looking at?

Stacy: My husband.

House: Who is suffering abdominal pain and fainting spells. No sign of tumors, no vasculitis. Could be indigestion, or maybe a kidney stone. A little one, can pack a lot of wallop.

Stacy: Did you think I wasn’t going to get married?

House: Not to someone so poorly endowed. This guy’s pancreas is pathetic. [He walks off, Stacy follows.]

Stacy: There is no kidney stone, no indigestion. Three hospitals, five doctors, not one of them found anything.

House: Well, maybe there’s nothing to be found.

Stacy: Right, you suddenly trust doctors, love puppies and long walks in the rain.

House: The walks are out. [Stacy grabs his arm.]

Stacy: I was around you long enough to know when something’s not right. Mark’s had personality changes, he’s acting strange, disconnected…

House: Interesting. It means there’s either a neurological component or he’s having an affair.

Stacy: No affair, no nothing! He’s sick! I know you’re not too busy; you avoid work like the plague. Unless it actually is the plague. I’m asking you a favor.

House: I’m not too busy, but I’m not sure I want him to live. It’s good seeing you again. [He leaves, and Stacy is holding back tears.]

[Opening credits!]

[Cut to a lecture hall. House is sitting on the stage, not doing anything. There are maybe 20 people in the room, waiting for him to speak.]

House: Three guys walk into a clinic. Their legs hurt. What’s wrong with them? [A student – let’s call him Keen Student – raises his hand.] I’m not going to like you, am I?

Keen: Most likely cause of leg pain is muscle strain. Apply heat and rest affected areas.

House: Statistically, you’re right. Very good. My experience: over half of leg pain is musculoskeletal, generally from excessive exercise. Twelve percent is varicose veins brought on by pregnancy, and most of the rest is the result of vehicular accidents. I said three people. That’s six legs. So, you’ve got three hurt jogging, two in collisions, and one of the legs is pregnant. [Some chuckles. Another student – let’s call her the Caring one – pipes up.]

Caring: What were they doing when pain presented?

House: I have no idea. [Enter the third student: the Rebellious one.]

Rebellious: You didn’t ask? You didn’t take a history?

House: Of course, but all that told us was what they said happened. Person A, farmer, says he was fixing a fence. [Cut to a visual of the farmer.] Tightness of the ankle, loss of muscle control. [The farmer groans and collapses.] Person B, volleyball practice. [Cut to a girls’ volleyball team, where there is one middle-aged man playing with them. He dives for the ball and falls on the ground, clutching his leg.] Coach figured it was a pulled muscle. And C, [cut to a mini-golf course] we’ve got Carmen Electra. Golfing. [Her ball makes it into the golden Buddha, and she goes, “Yes!”]

Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?

House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I’ve gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she’s apparently quite the golfer. [He stands.] Now, in less than two hours, one of these three will get tossed out of the hospital because they were faking it to score narcotics, and one will be very close to death. Any guesses on which is which? [Silence.] Okay, I say we start with the farmer.

[Cut to a clinic room. The farmer is lying on the bed, looking very much… like a farmer. Straw in his mouth and everything. House is questioning him.]

House: Did you hike to the fence, and how far?

Farmer: Yes, it’s about half a mile from my farmhouse.

House: And where’s the pain localized?

Farmer: It started just above my ankle and it’s radiating up.

House: So, what should we do first? [He turns, and Keen Student is standing right next to him.]

Keen: Family history?

House: Indicative of leg pain? That’s a very short list. Any history of bone cancer, osteogenesis imperfecta or multiple myeloma? [The farmer shakes his head. Caring Student pops up.]

Caring: Could be a blood issue. We should run a CBC and a D-dimer. [Enter Rebellious Student.]

Rebellious: And get an MRI.

Caring: MRI or a PET scan?

Rebellious: If the problem’s vascular, he’s better off –

House: Bzzt! Sorry, thanks for playing. Patient’s dead. You killed him. [The students look and sure enough, the farmer’s dead on the table.]

Keen: We had no time to run any tests; there was nothing we could do!

House: You had time to look at the leg. [They look down, and the leg (and the overalls, and the whole farmer garb) is now the property of one Carmen Electra. She takes the straw out of her mouth and smiles.]

[Cut to the classroom.]

Caring: I thought we were starting with the farmer’s case first.

House: We are. But if we’re going to look at a leg…

[Cut to the clinic, again.]

House: I need you to take off your pants. [House stands in the corner with a smug look on his face as Carmen takes off the overalls. She gets back on the table, playing with her hair as she does so. House looks at the wound, and then looks out as he proclaims --] Puncture.

[Cut to the classroom]

Caring: Snakebite.

House: That would be my guess.

Rebellious: Farmer didn’t know he had been bit by a snake?

House: That’s what he said. Sudden shooting pain, tall grass, never saw a thing.

Keen: What kind of snake?

House: You want me to tell you what kind of snake it was from the shape of the hole in the leg?

Keen: How are we supposed to know what kind of antivenin to use if we don’t know what kind of snake it is?

House: Oh, there are people to find those things out.

[Cut to Foreman and Chase, walking to the farm.]

Chase: Shouldn’t we wait for the Humane Society or something?

Foreman: The guy might only have a couple of hours. [They open the gate, but close it again as a dog comes up barking at them.]

[Back to the classroom.]

House: And while we wait for the Humane Society to show up, what say we check up on the volleyball player?

[Cut to Cameron as she checks up on the volleyball man.]

Cameron: You have tendonitis.

[Cut to the classroom.]

Caring: How old is this person? I mean, it’s not really a 40-year-old man on a girls’ volleyball team, right?

House: It’s a leg. A leg is a leg is a leg.

Caring: Well, I was just worried that –

House: Would you worry about her more if she was younger?

Keen: Obviously we should care about our patients no matter what age –

House: Yeah, right. I saw the way you were looking at Carmen. She’s mine, stay away. [Chuckles from the class.] Would you operate on your mother?

Caring: Of course not. I’d be too nervous; couldn’t be objective.

House: Then why are you so anxious to treat every patient like they’re family? The actual patient is 16. Here’s what happens when doctors care to much.

[Cut to Cameron, talking to the now-16-year-old-female volleyball player.]

Cameron: I need to know everything about you. [As the camera pans out, we see the player’s entire family is in the room with them.]

[Cut to Cameron talking to House in his office.]

Cameron: I went back three generations: no history of cancer, Parkinson’s, or any other degenerative condition. But there’s this boy at school, and he’s on the boys’ volleyball team, and they made out at a party, and now he won’t call her back, and this friend of hers at school said this boy didn’t like her and never did.

House: You got all this from an examination of the knee?

Cameron: I think she’s depressed.

House: She doesn’t have tendoni—

Cameron: She has tendonitis.

House: She’s depressed about having tendonitis.

Cameron: She’s depressed for the same reason she has tendonitis.

House: Not the boy.

Cameron: No, the boy’s a jerk, she knows that, and yet she’s depressed. I found a nodule.

House: Ah. Problems with the thyroid gland causes depressed mental state, can cause inflammation of the tendons.

Cameron: [nodding] I’ll run the tests.

[Cut to the classroom.]

Caring: So, because she took such an extreme interest, she found out the person had a thyroid condition.

House: No, because she took such an interest she discovered a tiny nodule. Which, in reality, signified nothing, but gave us no choice but to put a person with tendonitis through an expensive and painful test.

[Cut to the volleyball player getting a needle injected into her neck.]

[Cut to the classroom.]

House: Here’s how a well-adjusted doctor handles a case.

[Cut to House, examining Carmen the golfer, who has no pants on still. He hits her knee with a hammer.]

Carmen: Can I put my pants back on now?

House: I’d rather you didn’t. [Caring Student shows up.]

Caring: Which Carmen Electra is this?

House: First one. The golfer. [Enter Keen Student.]

Keen: Then why isn’t she wearing pants? [House gives him a look. Like, duh!]

House: [to Carmen] You have decreased reflexes in your patellar tendon. Anyone? [Rebellious Student has shown up.]

Rebellious: Slipped disc?

House: Could be. How bad does it hurt?

Carmen: [deadpan] It hurts really, really bad.

House: Yeah?

Caring: It doesn’t seem real. Is she the one faking?

House: Oh, for God’s sake. She’s here to play out my fantasy, not because she’s Meryl Streep. [Caring Student and Carmen both give him a look.] Fine. [Carmen disappears, and we see a man in his late 30s, now known as Late 30s Man.]

Late 30s Man: What the hell is wrong with me? [He’s rocking and clutching his right thigh.] Do something! [He collapses on the table in pain.]

Caring: Too much pain to be a slipped disc. Could be herniated and impinging the nerve root. [The students have to almost yell to be heard over the man’s groaning/yelling.]

Keen: Or it could be referred pain from his groin.

House: Sir, are you getting pain anywhere else? [The last part is almost drowned out.]

Keen: He’s curling; it’s not the back.

House: Sir, where are you getting pain?

Late 30s Man: Help me!

House: Oooh.

Rebellious: He’s not going to tell us anything if we don’t get him out of pain. Give him 50mg of Demerol.

Caring: We have no history, he could be allergic.

House: [holding up the syringe] What do I do?

Rebellious: We can’t diagnose him while he screams.

Caring: Better than killing him with pain killers, then – [While she is speaking, the man grabs the syringe from House and sticks it in his leg.]

House: Apparently, he’s not allergic.

Late 30s Man: Thank you, I feel a lot better now. [The syringe drops from his hand.]

[Cut to the classroom.]

Caring: We screwed up.

House: No, you did exactly what his attending did.

Rebellious: And that was the proper way to handle the case?

House: Yeah.

Rebellious: The guy used him as a dealer!

House: You’re going to see a lot of drug-seeking behavior in your practice, and there’s a reason: it works. Meanwhile, back on the farm…

[Cut to the farm, where the Humane Society has caught a snake.]

Chase: [on his cell] Yeah, timber rattlesnake.

[Cut to the farmer’s hospital room.]

Cameron: Four vials of the CroFab antivenin. Hey, how you doing?

Farmer: All right.

Cameron: [taking the vial from the nurse] Thank you. This will start making you feel better really fast. [She starts to push the antivenin; 5 seconds after she starts the farmer starts to choke.] He’s having an allergic reaction, bag. [She starts to ventilate.] Paddles and epi.

Nurse: But his heart’s fine—

Cameron: It’s not going to stay that way. [The monitors start to beep.] Paddles!

[Cut to the classroom, which has more people than when we last saw a full shot of it.]

House: What say we take five? Get some coffee, go pee. [He leaves.]

[Cut to the lounge area outside the classroom. House and Wilson are sitting there.]

Wilson: You didn’t think she was going to get married?

House: She asked me the same question.

Wilson: And… what? You’re not gonna treat him?

House: There’s probably nothing wrong with him.

Wilson: Oh, sure, that makes sense. She’s just using the old “sick husband” routine as an excuse to get back in touch with you. You think this is easy for her? The only reason she’d be anywhere near you was if she was desperate.

House: So I should help her because she hates me.

Wilson: She doesn’t hate you. She loves you, she just can’t stand to be around you. [The keen student shows up.]

Keen: Uh, Dr. House? It’s been almost six minutes.

[Back to the classroom.]

Keen: Found him.

House: The volleyball player was responding to the anti-inflammatories as you’d expect in a case of tendonitis.

Rebellious: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the snakebite guy? I don’t really care about the volleyball player.

House: What if I told you the volleyball player had a sudden massive stroke?

Rebellious: Really?

House: No. But that would make you interested, right? What if her T4 came back low? It’s not quite as interesting, but it has the benefit of being true.

Rebellious: You said the thyroid biopsy was a wasted test.

House: No, I didn’t. I said she put a person with tendonitis through an expensive and painful test. Apparently the patient had tendonitis and a thyroid condition.

[Cut to Cameron talking to the volleyball player.]

Cameron: We’re going to start you on Thyroxin. It’ll make you feel better and level your moods.

Volleyball Player: Thank you. [She takes the pills.]

[Back to the classroom.]

Rebellious: So, that’s it?

House: You were right the first time. Snakebite guy’s way more interesting. Gross, actually.

[Cut to the farmer, whose skin is starting to rot and peel off… yum! The farmer looks in a lot of pain.]

[Cut to House’s office.]

Foreman: The patient responded to epinephrine and the allergic reaction was arrested. Unfortunately, the patient continues to deteriorate.

Chase: Maybe the snake wrangler was wrong about the type he caught.

Foreman: He faxed us the venom tests which confirmed it’s a timber rattlesnake.

House: [looking at the tests] No, it’s not. Notice the volume?

Foreman: I skimmed over that and the gender and the coloring and skipped right to the name of the snake.

House: 200mg. Our guy got bit less than four hours ago. There’s no way a snake regenerates that much venom that quickly.

[Back to class.]

Keen: We’re supposed to know how fast snakes make their venom?

House: Nope. Unless you’ve got a patient bit by one. Then it might be helpful. So what do we do now?

Caring: He must have been bitten by a different snake. We go back and find it.

House: Or you go online and find there’s only three poisonous snakes in New Jersey: the copperhead, the timber rattler, and the coral. The copperhead and the timber rattler both respond to the antivenins we gave the guy.

Caring: So we give him the antivenin for the other one.

House: Is that a question?

Keen: Well, we can’t just blindly give him another antivenin. Especially after the first one almost killed him. You said only three types of poisonous snakes commonly found in New Jersey. But what if this is an uncommon one?

House: Very good.

Keen: We’ve gotta find the right snake.

House: No need. Odds are, by the time you get back the autopsy results will tell you what kind of snake it was.

Keen: But you said –

Caring: So we do give him the antivenin for the other one.

House: Again, was that a question? I asked what you would do. It seems unfair for you to ask me what you would do. Who gives the guy the other antivenin? [Half of the class raises their hands.] And who goes looking for the snake?

Rebellious: I assume that one choice kills him and one saves him.

House: That’s usually the way it works at the leg turning black stage.

Caring: So half of us killed him and half of us saved his life.

House: Yeah.

Keen: But we can’t be blamed for –

House: I’m sure this goes against everything you’ve been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don’t know what the right answer is – maybe there’s even no way you could know what the right answer is – doesn’t make your answer right or even okay. It’s much simpler than that. It’s just plain wrong.

[Cut to the farmer’s room, where the team is standing by the bed as Foreman is about to push the antivenin.]

House: [voiceovers] We gave the guy the antivenin.

Farmer: What if I’m allergic again?

Foreman: That’s why these people are here. If you have a reaction, we’re ready to do whatever’s necessary to ensure your airway stays open and your heart keeps beating.

Farmer: My wife’s on her way in, can’t this wait?

Foreman: I’m sorry, it can’t. [He begins to inject the serum, and nothing happens. House nods, and leaves the room to be confronted by the Late 30s Man.

Late 30s Man: It hurts again.

[Class.]

Caring: He came back?

House: [taking some Vicodin] On average, drug addicts are stupid.

Rebellious: I’d call the cops.

House: Good for you. A lot of doctors wouldn’t risk their careers on a hunch.

Rebellious: It’s not a hunch, I mean, I know he wants drugs.

House: I believe drug addicts get sick. Actually, for some reason they tend to get sick more often than non-drug addicts. Luckily, you don’t have to play your hunch, there’s a faster way. Actually, there are several. My preference is urine testing.

Rebellious: But you already know he has drugs in his system.

House: That’s not what I’m testing for.

[Cut to a hospital room where Late 30s Man is lying. House enters with a nurse.]

House: We’re going to put this hard, rubber tube up your urethra and into your bladder. It might be a little uncomfortable.

Late 30s Man: Shouldn’t I be getting some kind of anesthetic? [He groans as the nurse does her job.]

House: We’re concerned about allergic reactions today.

[Classroom. House is looking through the drawers of the desk in the room.]

House: If the guy can handle a rod in his penis for half an hour, he’s really sick.

Rebellious: Or he’s really jonesing.

House: There’s easier ways to get a hold of drugs. Other hospitals, for example. [He takes a mug out of the desk and sniffs it. He starts to walk off.] The volleyball player is not responding to treatment. [He leaves to go to the water fountain, and yells back -- ] At least we think it’s not working on account of the fact she’s getting worse. Can you still hear me?

Rebellious: No.

Caring: A little.

Keen: Not really!

House: [filling the mug] Well, if you can’t hear me, how do you know what I asked?

[Cut to Cameron, who is preparing to insert an IV into the volleyball player. She yells.]

Cameron: I’m sorry. What did I do?

Volleyball Player: I don’t know. It really hurts!

Cameron: I promise to be very careful. [She gets ready to insert the needle, and the player flinches and yells as soon as the needle touches her skin.] Susan!

[At the water fountain --]

House: Not her real name!

[Back to the volleyball player.]

Cameron: Susan, I barely touched you! [She tries again, and the player screams.]

Volleyball Player: Aaaah! No, it hurts so much!

Cameron: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I have to get this blood. Just hold on.

[Cut to the Diagnostic office.]

Cameron: Hypersensitivity to touch.

Chase: Her calcium up?

Cameron: Lab over 16.

House: The question is why. Likely suspects?

Chase: Parathyroid adenoma.

Cameron: Kidney problems.

Foreman: Vit. D intoxification.

Chase: Hyperthyroid.

Foreman: Caused by our treatment?

[Back to the classroom.]

Caring: Whoa whoa whoa. Can you please slow down? [House takes a sip of water from the mug and spits it out.]

House: [slowly] The adenoma is most likely. Check her PTH –

[Back to Diagnostics, where he’s still speaking very slowly.]

House: -- phosphorus, and ionized calcium, and do a technetium sestambi. Okay, that’s enough about the volleyball player. What’s up with the farmer? [They all look at him.]

Foreman: What farmer?

House: Snakebite guy. Oh, right, you guys don’t know about him. He doesn’t get bitten until three months after we treat the volleyball player. Luckily, it’s been well established that time is not a fixed construct. [He walks over to the white board, which now has writing on it pertaining to the farmer.] His condition’s not improving; double the dosage.

Foreman: Already did.

House: There’s another antivenin, it’s not as effective, but –

Chase: Already tried it.

House: The first stuff, the stuff he was allergic to –

Cameron: Gave it to him with high-dose steroids. Nothing’s working.

House: [to the camera] What does it all mean?

[Cut to the class.]

Caring: Wrong snake?

House: We tried every other antivenin we had.

Caring: We’re too late?

House: Yep. He’s dying. His wife’s here, finally found a babysitter. Who wants to let him know? Actually, I’m kidding.

Caring: He’s not dying?

House: Oh, yeah, he’s dying, but there’s no wife and kid. Which is great. Makes the “breaking the news” thing way easier. Oh, yeah, one more piece of news.

[Cut to late 30s man, we see that the catheter is circulating a red liquid (mmm hmm!)]

[Cut to the class.]

House: The drug addict is peeing blood.

[Cut to a later point with the class. House is fooling with yellow crayons, and drawing something.]

House: How do they teach you how to tell someone that they’re dying? It’s kind of like teaching architects how to explain why their building fell down. Do you roleplay and stuff?

Keen: Yeah, one of us gives the bad news and one of us gets the bad news.

House: And what do you have to do to get an A in You’re Dying 101? They grade you on gentleness and supportiveness? Is there a scale for measuring compassion? This buddy of mine, I gotta give him ten bucks every time somebody says “Thank you.” Imagine that. This guy’s so good, people thank him for telling them that they’re dying. [He looks at his picture.] Eh, needs brown. I don’t get thanked that often.

[Cut to House with the farmer.]

House: You’re dying. In a few hours. There’s nothing we can do except deal with the pain.

Farmer: Well, I need to go home.

House: You’re not going home.

Farmer: Well, my dog? What will happen to my dog?

[Cut to radiology, where Cameron and Wilson are performing a PET scan on the volleyball player.]

Cameron: Her neck looks clean. No adenoma.

[Cut to class.]

Rebellious: Wait, wait, wait. The guy’s dying and all he cares about is his dog?

House: Any of you guys go the dog route in your improv sessions? It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they’re dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they’re willing to die for. What they’re willing to lie for.

[Back to the farmer.]

House: Well, you must have a neighbor who –

Farmer: The neighbors don’t like him.

House: Then the Humane Society can take him in and –

Farmer: No, they won’t. Maybe my aunt –

House: It wasn’t a snakebite, was it?

Farmer: I said I don’t remember being bit.

House: Sure you do. Just not by a snake. I assume that Cujo bit one of your neighbors awhile back. You tell me that he bit you, and I gotta report it. Cujo’s got a record, he gets the chair. The good news is, you might just live. The bad news is, your dog’s gonna die.

[Cut to Chase and Foreman, trying to wrangle with the dog using chairs.]

Chase: The guy risked his life to save this thing?

Foreman: I’ll hold him, you swab the mouth.

Chase: I think I’ve got a better grip here, you go for the mouth. [He holds out a fist.] All right, I’m odds.

Foreman: What, are you serious?

Chase: Come on.

Foreman: One, two, three! [He puts out two fingers, while Chase puts out one.]

Chase: I don’t care if he’s scratching your nads off, don’t let go.

Foreman: Just do it! [Chase tries to swab the dogs mouth, but pulls back.]

Chase: I say we let the guy die.

Foreman: I got his head, just do it!

[Back in the classroom, House finishes his picture. He holds it up to the class to reveal… a brownish, orangish spot. Really ugly color.]

House: What would you call that? That’s tea-colored, right? The guy who we thought was just after the drugs… what’s the differential diagnosis for urine that’s tea-colored?

Caring: Kidney stone.

House: Kidney stones would cause what?

Caring: Blood in urine.

House: What color is your pee?

Caring: Yellow.

House: What color is your blood?

Caring: Red.

House: What colors did I use?

Caring: Red, yellow and brown.

House: And brown. What causes brown?

Caring: Wastes.

House: Which means the kidneys are shutting down. Why?

Caring: Trauma.

House: None that his history would indicate.

Caring: Could be damage done by the self-injection of the Demerol.

House: Treatment?

Caring: Heat and rest –

House: Other possible causes.

Caring: Infection.

House: Start him on antibiotics. What else? [She pauses.] Come on, come on!

Caring: I – I don’t know.

House: You’re useless. But at least you know it. Blood tests show elevated creatine kinase, what does that tell you?

Rebellious: The trauma diagnosis is right. He takes it easy for a few days, he’ll be fine.

House: You sure?

Rebellious: The elevated CK rules out infection –

House: You know what’s worse than useless? Useless and oblivious. [He goes to the Keen student.] What are they missing?

Keen: You know, it’s kind of hard to think when you’re in our face like this –

House: Yeah? You think it’s going to be easier when you’ve got a real patient really dying? [to everyone] What are you missing?]

Cameron: [from the doorway] Muscle death.

House: Not your case.

Cameron: Nothing wrong with a consult.

Caring: Dying muscle leaks myoglobin. It’s toxic to the kidneys.

House: Brilliant. MRI his leg, see what’s killing it.

[Cut to the volleyball player going into the MRI machine.]

[Cut to the class.]

Rebellious: Why is the girl getting the MRI?

House: Because the neck scan revealed nothing and her doctor’s way more obsessive than she thinks she is. [Cameron, sitting in the back, tries not to act like that was directed at her.]

Rebellious: But you said the guy needed the MRI.

House: Because Dr. Cameron back there said muscle death, not one of your said it! Not one of this guy’s doctors said it. They gave him bed rest and antibiotics, just like you guys would have.

Caring: Did he get better?

House: No.

Caring: Well, how long –

House: Three days. It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can’t handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.

Caring: Three days before they thought it might have been muscle death?

House: No, three days before the patient suggested it might have been muscle death.

[Cut to the volleyball player’s room, where Cameron is talking to her and her parents.]

Cameron: The MRI revealed an osteosarcoma: a cancerous tumor in your femur. It needs to be removed surgically. With chemo, she has an excellent chance of survival. But I have to warn you, depending on how large the tumor is, and how ingrained it is, the surgeon may need to amputate your leg. I’m sorry.

Volleyball player’s Mother: It’s okay.

[Cut to Foreman talking to the farmer.]

Foreman: Well, dogs’ mouths are pretty filthy, but they have natural antibodies to fight off most of the stuff. We don’t. That’s why dog bites can be so nasty. The lab test of your dog’s saliva revealed a type of strep bacteria. It’s commonly known as the “flesh eating disease”. We’ll need to operate immediately to remove the damaged tissue. We may need to remove the leg.

[Cut to Cuddy talking to the late 30s man.]

Cuddy: The MRI revealed a problem.

Late 30s Man: No kidding.

Cuddy: I’m sorry none of your doctors found it earlier; I’m personally going to oversee your treatment from now on.

Late 30s Man: You’re gonna cut me open, aren’t ya?

Cuddy: We may need to remove the leg.

[Cut to the classroom.]

House: His MRI showed that the leg pain wasn’t caused by the self-injection, wasn’t caused by an infection. It was an aneurysm that clotted, leading to an infarction.

Foreman: [sitting with Chase and Cameron in the back] God, you were right. It’s House.

[Cut to House, lying in a hospital bed. Stacy is sitting next to him.]

Cuddy: We have to do the surgery. The necrotic tissue has to be removed. If there’s too much –

House: I don’t care what you find.

Cuddy: It may become necessary in order to save your life.

House: I like my leg. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.

Stacy: Honey, I love your leg as much as you do.

House: They’re not cutting it off.

[Cut to the classroom.]

House: Patient made the right choice. Tell a surgeon it’s okay to cut a leg off and he’s going to spend the night polishing his good hacksaw.

Rebellious: Right, surgeons could care less about saving limbs.

House: Well, of course they care about their patients. They just care about themselves more. Which is not an unreasonable position. Trying to maximize the tissue you save also maximizes the chances of something going wrong. Which means you’ve gotta be extra careful. Which is such a pain in the ass.

[Cut to Cuddy, House and Stacy.]

Cuddy: Amazing advances have been made. Kids with prosthetic legs are running the 100-meter dash in twelve seconds.

House: Yeah, they’re just not as pretty. Do a bypass, restore the circulation.

Cuddy: Amputation is safer.

House: For you, or me?

Cuddy: The blockage of blood flow –

House: Four-day blockage.

Cuddy: Yes. It caused muscle cell death. When those cells die, they release cytokines and potassium --

House: If you restore the blood flow instead of just lopping it all off, then all that crap gets washed back into my system. The cytokines could cause organ failure, the potassium could cause cardiac arrest. On the other hand, I may just get the use of my leg back.

Cuddy: The post-operative pain alone –

House: I’ll get through it. I understand the risks, you’re in the clear. Go schedule an OR. [Cuddy leaves.]

Stacy: God, you’re an idiot.

House: I think I’m more of a jerk.

Stacy: I’m not being glib. And I’m not being cute, I don’t want you to kill yourself.

House: I’m not gonna die.

Stacy: Oh, I feel completely reassured.

[Cut to the volleyball player and her family, who are waiting (praying?).]

[Cut to House, who is writing “Not this leg” on his left leg. Stacy helps him to write “Not this leg either” on his right.]

[Cut to the volleyball player, in surgery.]

[Cut to the farmer, in surgery.]

[Cut to House, in surgery. CGI shot as they remove the clot from his leg.]

[Cut to House and Stacy in a hospital room. House is yelling in pain.]

House: I think they gotta up that morphine.

Stacy: The doctors say they can’t.

House: The doctors recommended bed rest and antibiotics.

Stacy: They screwed up, it doesn’t mean they’re wrong this time.

House: Sure doesn’t mean they’re right.

Stacy: Morphine will kill you.

House: I can handle it.

Stacy: You’re in pain, you’re not thinking right.

House: That’s why I need the damn morphine!

Stacy: Okay, I’ll talk to them. [She leaves.]

[Cut to Stacy talking to Cuddy.]

Stacy: Oh my God, how much longer is the pain going to last?

Cuddy: It depends on how much muscle cell death there was. He could be right, he could come out of this with almost full use of his leg.

Stacy: Or?

Cuddy: He could be in pain for the rest of his life. There’s a third option, surgically. A middle ground between what we did and amputation.

Stacy: He’s not big on middle ground.

Cuddy: Yeah.

[Cut to House, reading the printouts from the EKG machine.]

House: Nurse, Nurse? I need more calcium gluconate.

Nurse: You just had 5 mLs.

House: Either your ass is getting whiter or my potassium is rising.

Nurse: I’ll talk to your doctor.

House: Well, you better make it fast, ‘cause I’m about to go into cardiac arrest. You give me the dose, or I go into white count complex tachycardia.

Nurse: I could get in trouble –

House: Listen, it’s not a narcotic! I’m not looking for a buzz. You’ve got about twenty seconds. [His breathing quickens, and the monitors all go off.] I was wrong. [Nurses and doctors enter, including Cuddy.]

Someone: What have you got?

Nurse: White complex tachycardia.

Cuddy: Who diagnosed –

Nurse: He did.

Cuddy: Paddles! Charge.

Nurse: Clear! [They shock him, and he flatlines.]

[Cut to the classroom.]

House: The patient was technically dead for over a minute.

[Cut to the farmer, walking with a new dog. He stops, and we see his prosthetic leg. House is watching him, standing there in a white hospital gown. The scene whites out and –]

[Cut to the volleyball game, where the volleyball player is playing a game. House is standing in the stands. The scene whites out as we hear the flatline monitor and Cuddy shocking him again.]

[Cut to the hospital room.]

Cuddy: He’s back.

[Cut to the classroom.]

Wilson: [standing in the back] Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?

House: Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant… Personally, I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see visions, this patient saw. They’re all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.

Foreman: You choose to believe that?

House: There’s no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.

Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?

House: I find it more comforting to believe that this simply isn’t a test.

[Cut to House and Stacy.]

Stacy: How bad is the pain right now?

House: It’s bad.

Stacy: It’s not getting any better. If you were right, the pain would be subsiding. You’d be getting better.

House: It’s just taking longer.

Stacy: No, it’s not. We’ve got to let him cut the leg off.

House: It’s my leg. It’s my life.

Stacy: Would you give up your leg to save my life?

House: Of course I would.

Stacy: Then why do you think your life is worth less than mine? If this were any other patient, what would you tell them to do?

House: I would say it’s their choice.

Stacy: Wha – not a chance! You’d browbeat them until they made the choice you knew was right. You’d shove it in their face that it’s just a damn leg! You don’t think you deserve to live? You don’t think you deserve to be happy? Not let them cut off your leg? [They’re both near tears.]

House: I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry.

Stacy: The pain alone is going to kill you.

House: I know, I know. I need you to talk to the doctor.

[Cut to Stacy, sitting in a waiting area. Cuddy walks up and sits with her.]

Cuddy: He change his mind?

Stacy: No. He’s asked to be put in a chemically induced coma so he can sleep through the worst part of the pain.

Cuddy: We can do that.

Stacy: What happens after he’s in the coma?

Cuddy: We’ll obviously monitor his condition closely, and if he can get through the next forty-eight hours without another cardiac incident –

Stacy: I meant, I’m his health-care proxy, I get to make medical decisions for him if he’s not able to.

Cuddy: You should talk to him about what he wants to do.

Stacy: I know what he wants, but if he’s out it’s my call, right? [Cuddy nods.]

[Cut to House’s room. Cuddy’s inducing the coma.]

Cuddy: You’ll be out in less than a minute.

House: Thank you. [to Stacy] Hey.

Stacy: Hey.

House: I’ll see you when I wake up. We’ll go golfing. I love you.

Stacy: I love you, too. I’m sorry.

House: [going under] You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. [Stacy gets up and walks over to Cuddy.]

Stacy: The middle ground you were talking about?

Cuddy: We go in, take out the dead muscle. There’s still some risk of reperfusion injury, but –

Stacy: Give me the forms you need signed.

Cuddy: You’re saving his life.

Stacy: He won’t see it that way.

[Cut to the classroom.]

House: Because of the extent of the muscle removed, utility of the patient’s leg was severely compromised. Because of the time delay in making the diagnosis, patient continues to experience chronic pain.

Caring: She had no right to do that.

Rebellious: She had the proxy.

Caring: She knew he didn’t want the surgery.

Rebellious: She saved his life!

Keen: Well, we don’t know that. Maybe he would have been fine –

Caring: It doesn’t matter. It’s the patient’s call.

Rebellious: The patient’s an idiot.

House: [half-laugh] They usually are. Do you have a buzzer or something. What time does this class end?

Cuddy: [at the doorway] Twenty minutes ago.

House: I’m not doing this again. [picking up the “World’s greatest dad” mug and walking toward Cuddy] And this guy is not the world’s greatest dad. Not even ranked. Who the hell lets their kids play with lead-based paint? That’s why he’s always sick. Find him some plastic cups and the class is all his again. [He leaves, leaving behind a full room of shellshocked students.]

[Cut to House, walking to his office. He’s calling someone on his cell.]

House: Stacy, it’s Greg. I’ve got an opening for ten tomorrow morning. Make sure your husband isn’t late. [He hangs up, and enters his office.]


END

Season 1 X 20 : Love Hurts

Original Airdate: 5/10/2005
Written by: Sara B. Cooper
Directed by: Bryan Spicer
Transcript by: Mari

BEGINNING

[Opens in the clinic. The overhead speaker is paging a Dr. Lee. Harvey, a young man of Korean heritage goes up to talk to Brenda, our favorite nurse.]

Harvey: Will it be much longer?

Brenda: We’ll call you when we’re ready.

Harvey: I’ve been waiting almost an hour.

Brenda: We’ll call you when we’re ready.

Harvey: I’m sorry. [He starts to nervously pace around the clinic. We move to Exam Room Two, where House, Wilson, and some other guy are watching baseball on House’s TV. House offers snacks to Wilson.]

Wilson: So she’s really coming back?

Some guy: Who’s coming back?

House: You don’t know her.

Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?

House: Don’t have TiVo on this thing, can’t rewind. Shut up.

Some guy: You lower her hours?

House: You don’t even know her.

Wilson: Who is this guy?

House: He’s a patient.

Some guy: He’s examining me.

House: He’s got to go back to work as soon as I’m done with the examination. Guess I do, too.

Wilson: [shaking his head] It’s got to be something. I mean, she didn’t come back because she likes you. [House gets a very wooden look on his face, and Wilson knows he’s struck gold.] Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!

Some guy: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!

House: Keep talking. I’ll finish your exam with a prostate check. [to Wilson] I’ve agreed to take her on one date.

Wilson: What?!? [Both Wilson and the other guy look very excited.]

Some guy: So, you in to this girl?

Wilson: Yes –

House: No! She’s not giving me any choice. [Wilson now looks a bit puzzled.]

Some guy: Wait… she’s making you do her?

House: Date her.

Wilson: Young ingénue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.

Some guy: [putting an arm around House’s shoulders] Do her, or you’re gay. [Wilson thinks about that one. Heh.]

House: For God’s sake. [He grabs his TV and leaves. As he’s walking out the door --]

Wilson and Some guy: [kind of singing] Sitting in a tree, K-i-s-s-i-n-g.

House: [over them] Grow up. And learn to harmonize. [He shuts the door and runs into Harvey, who spills an open cup of liquid on him.] Damn it!

Harvey: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

House: Who the hell walks around with an open urine sample?

Harvey: I’m sorry, I didn’t, uh, I didn’t… [He backs away from the scary man with the cane. Wilson walks out of the exam room.]

Wilson: You think that was a bit of an overreaction?

House: Well, he peed on me. I’m not into that. [Wilson sniffs House’s jacket.]

Wilson: It’s apple juice. Now go find that man and apologize. One more patient complaint and you’re looking at a suspension. [He takes House’s TV and goes back into the exam room.]

[Cut to Harvey, who is leaning against a glass wall and breathing heavily. House walks up to him.]

House: I forgive you for ruining my jacket. [Harvey doesn’t move.] Look, you seem like a regular kind of guy, not the type to get another regular guy into trouble, am I right? [It sounds like Harvey is sobbing, House rolls his eyes.] Twenty bucks cash if you’ll stop crying. [Nothing doing.] Forgive me, yell at me, just give me something I can work with, okay? [He grabs Harvey’s shoulder, and turns him around to reveal a Harvey that’s not doing well at all. He quickly checks his pulse and flashes a light in his pupils, which are blown. Wilson shows up.]

Wilson: Game’s over. You two make nice?

House: Get a wheelchair, and get this guy into the ER.

Wilson: What happened?

House: Right pupil’s blown.

Wilson: Holy… you gave the guy a stroke? [Harvey kind of moans, and with that we go to the Opening Credits.]

[Cut to Chase and Foreman in the Diagnostic office.]

Chase: [playing with a small ball] So the bear wipes himself with the rabbit. [He throws the ball to Foreman.]

Foreman: Lame. [He throws the ball, which is caught by Cameron, walking in the door.]

Chase: Hey!

Foreman: Yo!

Chase: What are you doing here? [Foreman gives Cameron a hug, aww.]

Cameron: I work here.

Chase: What, here in this office?

Cameron: House practically begged me to come back.

Foreman: Please tell me you took him to the cleaners?

Cameron: Same lousy salary.

Chase: Then why’d you do it?

House: [entering with Wilson] Cause this is the happiest place on Earth. 21-year-old male, comes in with grinding of the teeth.

Wilson: And House gives him a stroke, totally blows out his pupil.

Foreman: You scared a guy into stroking out?

Wilson: Does that surprise anyone here?

Cameron: Blown pupils usually means brain stem edema.

House: Sure, but since he’s not dead or in a coma, I’m going with stroke to the optic nerve. [He puts up scans on the light board.] CT scan shows two things.

Foreman: Ischemia. Death of brain tissue. Means there’s been some damage, hopefully not permanent.

House: And?

Foreman: That’s it. There’s nothing there to tell us what the underlying cause is. We’ve got to do an MRI.

House: You’re looking at the wrong part of the scan.

Foreman: I’m looking at the brain, what else is there?

Cameron: The jaw.

Chase: The jaw tells us why he stroked?

Cameron: No, the jaw tells us why we can’t do an MRI. Unless we want his jawbone flying across the room.

House: Metal plate. He’s had major reconstruction and there’s no way we’re removing it, so we’re forced to be clever. Angiogram to rule out vascultis, EMG for peripheral neuropathy, tox screen to eliminate drugs, an echo to rule out cardiac emboli. [As they all leave] Dr. Cameron. I’d appreciate you keeping the terms of your new contract to yourself. Don’t want everyone clamoring for the same perks.

Chase: [as soon as the three of them are in the hallway] What perks?

Cameron: Nothing you’d be interested in.

Foreman: So it’s not money, then? Office space, insurance, parking… anything he could offer you, we’d be interested in.

Cameron: He agreed to go on a date with me.

Foreman: [looking at Chase incredulously] A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?

Cameron: He only committed to the first two.

Chase: He’s so, he’s so old!

Cameron: And you’re so young.

Foreman: It’s a big mistake.

Cameron: It’s my boss. I’m allowed to sexually harass my boss. I’ll arrange for the EMG, [to Chase] you want to set up the angiogram, and [to Foreman] you get the blood samples, patient history, patient consent? [Cameron leaves behind a smirking Foreman and a faintly disgusted Chase.]

Foreman: Like watching an accident about to happen.]

[Cut to Harvey’s room. Sitting with him is Annette. We’ll find out who Annette is shortly. Foreman enters.]

Foreman: Morning! Harvey, I’m Dr. Foreman. I’m here to discuss your case. [Harvey looks to Annette.]

Annette: I’m Annette, I’m Harvey’s friend.

Foreman: Nice to meet you. I need your next of kin, you didn’t fill that out on your intake form. [Harvey again looks to Annette.]

Annette: Harvey’s parents are dead. They died two years ago in a car crash.

Foreman: I see. So, Harvey, you have any siblings?

Annette: No, and no grandparents or uncles or aunts.

Foreman: Annette, I don’t want to have to ask you to leave.

Harvey: I want her to stay.

Foreman: Well, she can stay. [pointedly] You do the talking. Why’d you come to the clinic this morning?

Harvey: Uh, about six months ago, I started grinding my, my… you know, in your mouth, you get, you chew with them…

Annette: Teeth. Harvey’s experiencing a little nominal aphasia, you know, when you can’t remember nouns.

Foreman: Yeah, I think I know what nominal aphasia is. Have you had any treatment for the teeth grinding?

Harvey: I went to a, you know, they do that thing with sharp, uh, pointy things.

Foreman: Needles? Someone took your blood.

Harvey: No, they make you breathe.

Foreman: Pulmonologist.

Harvey: No, she had this, uh, electrical machine… [Foreman looks to Annette.]

Annette: He saw an acupuncturist.

Foreman: Uh huh. [to Annette again] Do you know what the acupuncturist did?

Annette: She diagnosed Liver Qi stagnation and sent Harvey to a Shen balancer. He referred him to a homeopathic doctor who sent him to chiropractor.

Foreman: Naturally.

Annette: Well, the chiropractor thought it might be food sensitivity and sent Harvey to a naturopath.

Harvey: The naturopath sent me back to the…

Foreman: Back to the acupuncturist.

Annette: Yes.

Foreman: Okay. Well, we’ll need to see the records from all of those, uh, practitioners.

Harvey: Thanks. [Foreman leaves. Chase is looking in the room oddly.]

Foreman: Everything set for the angiogram?

Chase: Cameron’s got the EMG first. Who’s that?

Foreman: Harvey’s guru.

Chase: That’s what she called herself?

Foreman: That’s what she acted like. [Foreman leaves. Annette looks out the window and sees Chase; Chase looks away.]

[Cut to an exam room, where the nurses are setting up a patient for a pelvic exam. Enter Dr. House. House does a double take when he realizes said patient is at least 70.]

Ramona: Hi. I’m having vaginal pain.

House: Pleasure to meet you. [Vicodin goes “pop”!]

Ramona: My OB/GYN died recently. He’s a nice man. Warm hands.

House: [sitting and putting on rubber gloves] Not anymore. So, does it hurt when you tinkle?

Ramona: Yeah, it’s when it’s worse. [House performs the exam.]

House: You have some vaginal tearing. No sign of brusing, no indication of trauma, forced entry… Ramona. You naughty girl. You’ve either got yourself an 18-year-old boyfriend or an 80-year-old with some little blue pills.

Ramona: Myron thought he’d just try them out!

House: Lucky you.

Ramona: I guess.

House: Prefer it if Myron was a little droopier?

Ramona: Maybe a little. We used to hold hands, read together, or watch Jeopardy! I haven’t seen Jeopardy! in almost a month!

House: [going for the big question] Have you talked to him about this?

Ramona: You try talking a 73-year-old out of sex. With all these male enhancements the pressure to put out’s incredible. It’s worse than high school. He doesn’t get what he wants from me, he’ll get it from Connie in the corner condo. She’s dying her hair red! Major league slut. [House and the nurse share a look.]

House: Here’s a prescription for vaginal estrogen suppositories. It’ll help with the lubrication.

Ramona: Thank you. Maybe you could give Myron a prescription. Something weaker than he’s got now? Tell him it’s better for his heart – he’d buy that.

House: You can’t tell him the truth, so you want me to lie to him?

Ramona: Would you?

House: Close your legs. [He leaves.]

[Cut to Harvey’s room. Cameron is preparing the EMG.]

Cameron: Nerves stimulate muscles to move by creating a small electrical current. The machine will measure that. And I will insert this needle into various muscles and ask you to flex. Sometimes it can be painful. Let me know, and I can pull back –

Harvey: No. I mean, it’s okay.

Cameron: Okay. Put your arm out to the side. [Harvey extends his right arm, and Cameron sticks the needle into his upper arm. Harvey sighs, and the arm begins to twitch.] You all right?

Harvey: I’m good. You don’t have to stop.

Cameron: Raise your arm up over your head. [She takes the needle out of his upper arm and moves it to his forearm. Harvey almost smiles.]

[Cut to Cameron briefing the team on the test.]

Cameron: The EMG was clean.

House: Well, based on this history it’s either toxic herbs from the homeopath, spinal damage from the chiropractor, infection from the needle that the acupuncturist accidentally let sit in eye of newt, or the Shen balancer. What the hell is a “shen” and how come it’s lopsided?

Foreman: The only abnormal test result we found was on the echo report. Mitral valve prolapse.

House: Hang up a shingle and condemn the narrowness and greed of Western medicine, you’d make a damn fine living.

Foreman: Clot’s formed on a faulty valve, gets sent to the brain, voila! Stroke.

House: Of course, no harm, no foul. It’s just taking a few bucks from superstitious idiots, right?

Chase: Could also be an aneurysm due to trauma.

Foreman: Trauma? From what, the chiropractic treatments? It’s bacterial endocarditis, an infected valve. We should do blood cultures.

House: Except the six months that he had with these charlatans might have been spent going to someone who looks at things that exist in the real world. But that’s just me being all narrow again.

Chase: I noticed a small bruit when I listened to Harvey’s left carotid. You could hear that if you had an aneurysm from trauma.

Cameron: Aneurysm would have shown on the angiogram.

Chase: No, not necessarily.

House: Hmm. Quite a dilemma. [House picks up a magic 8-ball.] Oh, great pool hall oracle, grant me guidance. [He shakes it.] Do we go with Foreman’s theory, which is at least marginally supported by medical test results, or Chase’s theory, which is completely unsupported by medical evidence. What to do…

Chase: The guy obviously broke his jaw somehow. Who knows what other trauma he’s suffered? We should do the angiogram again.

House: And all signs point to… [He looks at the 8-ball.] Sorry, Chase. The gods have spoken. Start Harvey on blood thinners and antibiotics.

[Cut to the ducklings walking toward Harvey’s room.]

Chase: Wow. Yeah, I get it. House is adorable. I just want to hold him and never let go. [They open Harvey’s door to find Annette strangling him. (And yes, the blinds were shut so they couldn’t see walking up.)]

Cameron: Oh, my God! What the hell are you doing? [Foreman and Cameron pull Annette away.]

Foreman: You’re choking him!

Chase: Foreman, stop. Let her go.

Foreman: [holding Annette] She was trying to kill him!

Harvey: No. No, she wasn’t.

Cameron: His vitals seem okay.

Harvey: Please. Please don’t hurt her. [Annette gets away from Foreman.]

Foreman: What the hell is going on in here?

Chase: She’s… she’s a dominatrix. [Foreman’s eyebrows almost lift off his head.] Right, Annette?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, where House and Annette are meeting with a hospital lawyer.]

Lawyer: The patient asked you to strangle him?

Annette: Harvey is an asphyxiaphyliac. He likes to be strangled or smothered.

Lawyer: That’s just sick.

House: Well, that’s an intriguing legal opinion. Geez, what kind of a lawyer is he?

Lawyer: You want a legal opinion? Call the cops.

Annette: I was careful. I watched the monitors, made sure his O2 stats were over 90. I would never hurt him.

House: Then what was the point?

Annette: Harvey was upset. He needed to calm down. To feel in control by being controlled.

Cuddy: Eh.. um… He pays you for this?

Annette: [nodding and smiling] In return, he does my taxes and cleans my house. [House gets up to leave.]

Cuddy: We’re not done here, we have to talk!

House: Call the cops, bar her from the hospital, force her to pierce your nipples… not really medical decisions.

[Cut to the diagnostic office.]

Chase: It was a long time ago. I was seeing this woman. A banker, and turns out she liked to be burned.

Cameron: You actually dated someone who likes to get burned? [Chase nods.]

Foreman: Yeah, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that’s so obviously only going to lead to pain?

Cameron: Shut up.

Chase: It was a weird scene. I observed – [House enters.]

House: Chase. Did you know about this woman? What she does?

Chase: I met her at some parties, yeah.

House: I wouldn’t have tortured you if I knew you liked it. [Chase kind of laughs at that.] Well, here’s a phrase to remember: “Hey, this guy might have been pounded on the head one too many times!”

Chase: I said I thought it was a trauma induced aneurysm.

House: Yeah, could have carried a tad more weight if you’d mentioned the “liking pain” thing. You’re on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather stethoscope this Christmas.

Chase: I’m not into –

House: I assume you never started him on antibiotics or blood thinners before Mistress Ilsa’s rude interruption.

Cameron: It was probably a good thing.

House: Start him on antibiotics and blood thinners. [House watches as an older gentleman walks into his office. He watches the man throughout the rest of this scene.]

Cameron: You still think Chase is wrong?

House: No, he’s probably right.

Chase: Then we should schedule him for vascular surgery. Go into the carotids, find the aneurysm, repair it.

Cameron: If we put him on blood thinners, he might bleed out.

House: But if Foreman’s right about it being bacterial endocarditis, and we – [Foreman raises his hand.]

Foreman: I think Chase is right.

House: Okay, if Foreman used to be right about it being blood clots, and we take the surgery route, then we’ll probably kill the guy. So, start him on blood thinners, and if he has another stroke, then we’ll schedule the surgery. [He opens the door to his office.] Yeah?

Myron: You Dr. House?

House: I have a feeling I’m going to regret this, but yes.

Myron: Ramona said I should come to you for my refill. [He holds up a pill bottle.] Uh, with, for the beginning to droop? [He demonstrates with his finger. House takes the bottle.] She said you’d probably want to talk to me first.

House: She lied. [He hands Myron a script.] Here you go.

Myron: Thanks.

House: Always happy to make people happy. Goodbye.

Myron: I – I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

House: How much more of what?

Myron: [whispers] Sex.

House: You don’t want more sex?

Myron: My golf swing is all messed up.

House: Hey, here’s a radical thought. Talk to her.

Myron: The truth?

House: Sounds crazy when you put it like that.

Myron: Oh, Ramona’s got a big appetite. If I don’t perform, I don’t want to lose her. [He sighs.] You got a pharmacy around here?

House: In the hospital? Could be. Let’s see if we can find it.

[Cut to our favorite pharmacist. House walks up, motioning for Myron to wait by the clinic desk.]

House: Got any blue pills?

Pharmacist: [raising his eyebrows] You looking for ED medication?

House: Well, that’s one example of a blue pill. Name six others.

Pharmacist: There’s a brand of acetaminophen out…

House: Perfect. Fill her up. [House nods to Myron. Cuddy walks up.]

Cuddy: Dr. House.

House: Little busy here.

Cuddy: I heard about Dr. Cameron’s conditions for coming back to work.

House: It’s purely business. I’ll make sure you get the recipt.

Cuddy: Well, I think it’s a good thing. What happened in your last relationship, it’s no reason to wall yourself from people forever. 5 years of self-pity is probably enough.

House: Wow. Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.

Cuddy: Well –

House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about. [Cuddy smiles.]

Cuddy: Bear in mind Cameron’s probably the only female that can tolerate you. Wear the sky-blue shirt. It almost makes you look nice.

[Cut to Chase checking up on Harvey.]

Harvey: They said she couldn’t come back into the hospital. They won’t let me see her.

Chase: Harvey, you’re lucky she wasn’t arrested. What were you thinking, doing that at a hospital? [He holds out his hands.] Squeeze my fingers?

Harvey: [doing so] I was scared.

Chase: I need you to squeeze with both hands.

Harvey: I am.

[Cut to the team walking down the hallway.]

Chase: Weakness in his right arm and hand. Harvey’s having mini-strokes; the blood thinners aren’t making a difference.

House: Stop the treatment. [to Foreman] Sorry, we tried your way, you could not have been wronger.

Foreman: I said Chase was probably right.

House: Oh yeah, we’ve all got perfect 20-20 hindsight. Get a hold of Main in vascular, see if his surgical dance card is free for tomorrow. [Chase and Foreman leave. Cameron clears her throat.]

Cameron: About tomorrow night.

House: You couldn’t keep your mouth shut.

Cameron: I didn’t see any reason to. Where are we going? I want to make sure I dress appropriately.

House: That would be army boots and t-shirt. It’s the county paintball tourney. First prize is fifty bucks; I’ll split it with you if you hold your end up.

Cameron: I’m not sure if that was the deal.

House: Relax. I made a reservation at Café Spiletto. Regarding wardrobe: are you too young to remember spandex?

Cameron: I’ll figure something out.

[Cut to Chase talking to Harvey.]

Chase: The surgery will repair the damaged blood vessels in your neck and your strokes will stop.

Harvey: All this is because of the strangulation?

Chase: More like strangulations.

Harvey: My parents were right. I’m a loser. I don’t know what to do. [starting to panic]

Chase: Harvey, calm down.

Harvey: I need to talk to Annette.

Chase: You can do this on your own. Surgery’s the only –

Harvey: She hates me. I’ve been calling, I’ve been calling and she’s not picking up.

Chase: Harvey, you don’t need –

Harvey: [crying] I can’t, I can’t. [Chase is baffled. He looks around, and walks to the side of the bed and leans down.]

Chase: [in a commanding-ish tone] Harvey, you will do what I say.

Harvey: I don’t want surgery!

Chase: Sign the consent. Sign it!

Harvey: I can’t do anything. No surgery! No surgery! No surgery! [He pushes the form away.]

[Cut to the team in Diagnostics.]

Cameron: We could give him anti-depressants, see if he changes his mind.

Chase: I already did. Mashed them up in his applesauce, it’ll lighten him up soon enough.

House: Someone should just tell him to do it. Way faster.

Cameron: Except that’s forgery. Also illegal.

Chase: And I already tried.

House: Not you. Where’s a good dominatrix when you need one?

Chase: Annette’s barred from the hospital.

House: If you get caught, Cuddy’s got a hairbrush. And believe me, she knows how to use it.

[Cut to Foreman and Chase ushering Annette into Harvey’s room.]

Harvey: They let you come back.

Annette: Not because you deserve it. You’ve been bad. You will have the surgery, do you understand? [Harvey just smiles.] Do not laugh at me. You will respect –

Harvey: Where do you get off telling me what to do? Get out of my way, you back-faced witch.

Foreman: [quietly, to Chase] Is that part of their deal, or…

Annette: This isn’t like him. [Harvey starts groaning.] Something’s wrong.

Harvey: Get out! [He starts to push Annette.] Get out! [Chase and Foreman move to hold him down.] Get out, get out! [Harvey knocks over the tray with dishes on it before Chase and Foreman get his arms.

Foreman: Emotional swings, he’s having another stroke. Harvey! [The monitors beep and Harvey’s eyes roll up.]

Chase: He’s crashing. Can we get a cart in here?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Lawyer: So, what’s that, two strokes you’ve scared this guy into?

House: Yeah. It’s making me question my view of myself as a people person.

Lawyer: Now you want to do surgery on him without his consent.

Cuddy: The kid’s in a coma, he needs the surgery!

Lawyer: He said no. We can’t do it.

House: Emergent situation, invoke heroic measures.

Lawyer: You need a court order.

House: Great, where do I get me one of them? Do I need to lawyer up?

Lawyer: I’ll need to show the judge an affidavit from next of kin.

House: Well, they might have a problem signing anything seeing as how they’re dead.

Lawyer: He’ll want proof.

House: Like what, dad’s hand? I don’t even know where they’re buried.

Lawyer: Bring me a published obit or a death certificate and we’ll run with it. I don’t want you to mess up your clothes.

[Cut to the team walking in the hallway.]

Cameron: His parents were accountants, maybe there’s an obit in the trade papers.

Chase: They guy lives in Market Town. I don’t know if he grew there, but we could check the local funeral home.

House: Great, and when your searches turn up nothing you should try to find out where they live.

Foreman: He said they were dead.

House: Accountants, they’re usually pretty good with money, so how come he lives in a slum like Market Town?

Cameron: Maybe they were bad accountants.

House: Two bad accountants from the Pacific Rim? The odds are astronomical.

Foreman: Maybe Harvey burned through their money.

Chase: Or maybe they cut him off when they found out about his proclivities.

House: That’d be my bet. Go to his apartments. See if you can find his folks. Address, number, something. [House walks into his office. Foreman follows him.]

Foreman: Hey, can I talk to you?

House: Sure.

Foreman: Look, Cameron’s a friend. This whole dating thing –

House: [turns on the TV] Time’s up. Thanks for playing.

Foreman: Hey, I’ve been on the scene more than you recently.

House: Way ahead of you. I’ve got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD, we are gonna get all the way down. Now move. [Foreman sits on the TV, which was not what House had in mind.]

Foreman: Come on, you’re not into her. Most guys who aren’t interested in a woman try to sugarcoat it, be nice.

House: Oh, you know me too well.

Foreman: That’s what I’m saying. I think you should go with your instincts here. Be a jerk.

House: I’m missing my soap for this?

Foreman: Women love to be right. You’ve got to leave them feeling superior. Like they’ve dodged a bullet. If you’re nice, she’ll blame herself –

House: And fall for me even more. The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. ‘Cause you’re convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.

Foreman: [laughing] Yeah, I’m the one with the serious ego problem here. I’m just saying: some relationships aren’t meant to happen. [Foreman leaves.]

[Cut to Chase and Cameron going through Harvey’s apartment.]

Cameron: Harvey’s school registration.

Chase: [going through a closet] Permanent home address? Emergency contacts?

Cameron: Annette Raines.

Chase: [finding collars and a slew of tic-tacs in the closet] Mistress Annette. You have to extort a date out of House. You think that’s a bad sign? Cameron?

Cameron: High school yearbook. [She raises her eyebrow, seeing Chase with all the collars.] Think this might give us a clue, Sherlock? [Chase takes a couple packs of tic-tacs, because he is all of a sudden concerned about his breath.]

Chase: House isn’t going to hand you anything. You want him, you’ve gotta take him. Jump him.

[Cut to Foreman, Cameron, and Chase calling different families that they think might belong to Harvey.]

Foreman: Harvey. H-a-r-v-e-y.

Cameron: I’m sorry to have bothered you. Thank you. Okay. [She hangs up her phone.]

Chase: Yes, Harvey Park. [pause] Great, we’ve been looking for you! I’m calling from the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Harvey’s here, and it’s rather… He hung up.

Foreman: You tell him why you were calling?

Chase: I didn’t get a chance.

Foreman: Call back.

House: I’ll do it. [He flicks a yo-yo in Chase’s face.] Let the master show you how it’s done. [Chase takes a few tic-tacs as House dials.] Mr. Park? This is Dr. House calling from Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey. Your son Harvey is dead. We need you to identify the body. Yes, I’m sorry, it’s the law. [Cameron is shocked, Chase rolls his eyes, and Foreman is grinning. House hangs up and takes the mint box from Chase.] There’s a real art to delivering bad news.

Cameron: They’re gonna show up at the morgue.

House: Be sure to let me know when Cuddy starts screaming. [Chase takes the second mint box from his pocket and eats a few more.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, featuring an upset Mr. and Mrs. Park.]

Cuddy: You lied to them!

Mrs. Park: He told us our son was dead.

House: It’s only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he’ll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush hour traffic.

Mrs. Park: I’m calling our lawyer.

House: Fine. Just as soon as you sign this surgery consent. I have a pen. [Mrs. Park takes out her cell phone and dials.]

Mrs. Park: [on the phone] Marilyn Park from Oc Learner. Yes, I’ll hold.

Cuddy: Harvey’s your son. I’m sure you still care about him.

Mr. Park: He humiliated us. Everybody we know knows about his perversion.

House: But you don’t get off on embarrassment the way your son does. I guess it skips a generation.

Lawyer: How much money would it take to compensate you –

House: Yeah, you guys can haggle in a minute. But here’s the thing. Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son’s a perv, that’s pretty high up there. People finding out that you’d rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where’s that rank? And trust me, if I have to paste up a sign in every nail salon and dumpling shop in Pennsylvania, I’ll make sure they know. [He offers them a pen. Mrs. Park turns off her phone and signs the paper.] Your son will be in surgery first thing in the morning. Dumplings, that was a cheap shot. [He leaves.]

[Cut to Cameron, sitting at her desk. Wilson enters Diagnostics through House’s office.]

Wilson: Hi. Are you, uh, can we talk?

Cameron: Gee, I wonder what this is going to be about.

Wilson: I just want to make sure no one gets hurt.

Cameron: I will be fine. Everybody’s acting like I’m going out with Jack the Ripper.

Wilson: Oh, it’s not you I’m worried about. [Cameron stares at him.] It’s been a long time since he opened up to someone, and I… you better be absolutely sure you want this because if he opens up again and gets hurt, I don’t think there’s going to be a next time.

Cameron: You’re worried I’m going to break his heart?

[Cut to House’s residence. He’s trying – without much success – to put on a tie. Wilson is watching from the couch.]

Wilson: The wide side’s too short. You’re gonna look like Lou Costello.

House: This is a mistake. I don’t know how to have casual conversation. You think you’re talking about one thing, and either you are and it’s incredibly boring, or you’re not because it’s subtext and you need a decoder ring.

Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair –

House: I have been on a date.

Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A. Her dreams, hopes and aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I’ve got some.

House: Did your wife give them to you?

Wilson: Drug rep. They’ve got antibiotics built in, somehow.

House: I should cancel. I’ve got a patient in surgery tomorrow. [House moves to the kitchen.]

Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That’s a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer, too.

House: [looking in the fridge] No beer.

Wilson: You’re gonna eat before dinner? [House reaches into the fridge and takes out a corsage. Wilson gets up to investigate.]

House: This is pretty lame, right? [Wilson smiles.]

Wilson: I think she likes lame.

[Cut to… dinner with House and Cameron! Dun dun dun!]

Cameron: [putting on the corsage] It’s beautiful. And you look very handsome.

House: Thank you.

Cameron: I’ve always loved this restaurant.

House: Yeah. It’s changed a lot since the last time I was here. It used to be a strip joint. [Cameron laughs.] Nice earrings.

Cameron: My mom’s. Thank you.

House: Nice shoes. Comfortable?

Cameron: I’m not expecting you to be someone you’re not.

House: We’re in a restaurant, we’re dressed up, we’re eating. If not small talk, what is there? [Awkward pause of doom.]

Cameron: [setting down the wine list] According to Freud, and I’m paraphrasing, instinct of love toward an object demands a mastery to obtain it, and if a person feels they can’t control the object or feel threatened by it, they act negatively toward it. Like an eighth-grade boy punching a girl.

House: I treat you like garbage, so I must really like you. Given your Freudian theory, what does it mean if I start being nice to you?

Cameron: That you’re getting in touch with your feelings.

House: Hmm. So there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make you think that I don’t like you.

Cameron: Sorry, no. I have one evening with you, one chance, and I don’t want to waste it talking about what wines you like or what movies you hate. I want to know how you feel about me.

House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn’t perfect. That’s why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don’t love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you’re looking for your new charity case. That’s why you’re going out with me. I’m twice your age, I’m not great looking, I’m not charming, I’m not even nice. What I am is what you need. I’m damaged. [He picks up his menu, leaving Cameron to think.]

[Cut to surgery the next morning. Foreman and Chase are watching from the window; Cameron walks up.]

Foreman: Came in late. Had a good time last night?

Cameron: How’s the surgery going?

Chase: Harvey’s doing fine so far. How’d the night go?

Cameron: It was fine, how was your evening?

[Cut to House talking to Wilson at the desk by Diagnostics.]

House: She had the ravioli, I had the puttanesca.

Wilson: Yes, I really want to know about the quality of the food. Either something very good happened, or something very bad. Which is it?

House: Well, I did have a little indigestion afterwards. Maybe it was the garlic bread.

[Cut to the Ducklings.]

Cameron: Or the wine. Something made my eyes puffy.

Foreman: Yeah. Crying in your pillow can do that.

Cameron: It was the wine. We had a nice, candid conversation.

[Cut to House and Wilson, walking.]

House: Nothing deep, mostly small talk.

Wilson: I’m sure.

House: Took your advice, complimented her shoes, that’s fifteen minutes of chat right there.

[Cut to the Ducklings.]

Foreman: No snide comments?

Cameron: I guess, when we talked about you guys.

[Cut to House and Wilson, by the vending machine.]

Wilson: Just answer one question:

[Ducklings.]

Foreman: You two going to do dinner again?

[House and Wilson.]

House: I don’t think so.

[Ducklings.]

Cameron: I don’t know.

Surgeon: [calling from the OR floor] Hey kids, you were wrong. No aneurysm, no nothing. This guy’s clean.

[Cut to the team at the white board.]

Chase: Which means we’ve got no idea what’s causing the strokes.

Foreman: He’s had two more post-op. We won’t know the extent of the damage until he comes out of the coma. If he comes out.

Cameron: Maybe we should go back to the blood thinners, up the dosage.

House: If it’s not clots, a loading dose of blood thinners is gonna make him bleed out of his ears. Then he won’t be able to hear. [Myron and Ramona tap on the glass of Diagnostics.] Oy ve. [yelling] Nobody home, leave a message!

Myron: This is important!

House: Chase, Cameron, get another angiogram and echo. Better get a full-body scan. If it is clots, it’d be good to know where they are. [They all file out of the office; House goes to talk to Myron and Ramona.] Sorry about that. Guy dying.

Ramona: Those pills you gave Myron, they’re not working.

House: Well, glad to see you’ve got the correct perspective on the thing.

Myron: Well, the old ones, you know, made me feel like a tree!

House: Nice visual.

Myron: The new ones, well, might as well be eating candy.

House: Candy wouldn’t take away your headaches.

Ramona: What?

House: You came to me and told me that you were having too much sex.

Ramona: I never did!

House: You too, Sequoia.

Myron: Well no, that’s not true, I…

House: I know that everybody lies, but you’d think that after a certain amount of time together you wouldn’t be trying so hard. [Myron fidgets with his wedding ring.] Your rings don’t match.

Ramona: What, well, why would they?

House: Well, style is one thing, but one silver, one gold? How long have you guys been married?

Ramona: 49 years.

Myron: [simultaneously] 55 years.

House: Damn it, you’re having an affair.

Ramona: Did you really say you wanted to have less sex.

Myron: Well, less. If I wanted none I’d stay home with Esther.

Ramona: I just need a little rest.

House: You guys aren’t the victim of the little blue pill, you’re the problem!

Myron: I’m sorry.

Ramona: Me, too. I should just have told you how I felt.

House: Aw. [Myron takes out a breath spray and sprays his mouth.] Oh, welcome to hell. [House closes his eyes as Myron and Ramona kiss in front of him. And it hits him. He takes the tic-tacs he took from Chase out of his pocket and starts to walk off.]

Myron: Hey, how ‘bout the pills?

House: Looks like you guys are good to go drug-free for a while.

[Cut to House cornering Chase, who is eating more tic-tacs. Man, I want some tic-tacs now.]

House: Dr. Chase, these breath mints you’ve been popping since yesterday. Are they a new fetish?

Chase: Oh, I got them at Harvey’s. What, I just took two boxes; the guy’s got a whole drawer of them!

House: And you didn’t find that interesting.

Chase: Well, there’s lots of interesting stuff at his place. The mints weren’t high up on the list.

House: Wrong.

[Cut to the team entering Harvey’s room. House opens Harvey’s mouth.]

House: Chase, get your nose in here.

Chase: If you’re trying to humiliate me, I told you –

House: Come on, just put your face in his mouth. [Chase does so, and then recoils.]

Chase: Ugh.

House: Rich, wouldn’t you say?

Chase: Uh. Smells like old vomit.

House: Number one sign of fulminating osteomylitis.

Cameron: Infection of the jaw?

House: Probably from the original break. Never healed properly. [CGI demonstrates.] Infected tissue from the jaw breaks off, blocks blood flow to the brain, and life just isn’t worth living without blood.

Foreman: It was hidden from the scans by the metal plate.

Chase: And an infection of the jaw isn’t likely to show up on blood tests.

Cameron: So how do we confirm?

House: Like this. [He sticks a syringe in Harvey’s jaw, pulling out pus from the infection.] Ladies and gentlemen, we have pus. [He hands the syringe to Chase, and takes the tic-tacs from him, eating a few.] We’re gonna remove the jaw. Anybody got a buzzsaw? Okay, call a surgeon.

[Cut to the surgery, with Cameron, Foreman and Chase looking on.]

[Cut to House, entering Harvey’s room, where a nurse is checking on things. Harvey’s all wrapped up in many, many bandages]

House: Hi, I’m Dr. House. [to the nurse] How’s tricks, Annette? [The nurse turns, and it is indeed Annette in nurse’s scrubs.]

Annette: I just wanted to see if he was okay. I’ll leave.

House: No, it’s okay. I came to talk to you both. Like I tell all my patients, you’ve simply got to say “no” to strangulation. Me, I’m a freak, I get off on not being in pain. That, and chocolate-covered marshmallow bunnies.

Annette: He’s not a freak.

House: Yeah, he is. A little. But it’s got to stop. Or he’ll die.

Annette: It’s not about pain. It’s about being open, being completely vulnerable to another person. If you can learn to be that deeply trusting… it changes you.

House: Well, lock him in a cage. That should be fine, medically.

Harvey: Dr. House. Were my parents here? Did they come to see me? [House just leaves.]

[Cut to House’s office. He’s looking at a photograph of two people, but the identities of the people are unclear.]


END