Season 2 X 15 : Clueless

Original Airdate: 3/28/2006
Written by: Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Deran Sarafian
Transcript by: Mari

BEGINNING

[Opens on a woman stepping out of the shower. She sneezes twice and steps on the scale.]

Scale: Your weight is 113.9 pounds. [She moves to the mirror and towels it off, when a man wearing a stocking over his head grabs her from behind.]

Man: You gonna make me hurt you?

Woman: No.

Man: I didn’t think so. [She screams as he drags her back to the bedroom. He tries to pin her down on the bed, but she forces him off and runs away. He remains, choking.]

Woman: Are you all right? Did I hurt you? Bob! [She runs to him, and takes the stocking off his head.] Bob, what’s wrong? What happened, talk to me! Oh my God, okay, honey, hang on! [She dials on the phone.]

Phone: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: Yes, we need an ambulance at 10600 Xavier, here in 4B, my husband can’t breathe! Oh my God, he’s turning blue, you have to send someone now, please! Hurry!

[Credits.]

[Cut to House, lying in bed. The sound of the shower running is heard. Cut to a bit later, with House still lying in bed, and a sound like… toenail clippers? Next cut, with House… you guessed it, and this time the sound is the hair dryer. Cut to House in the hallway, looking at Wilson, who is drying his hair.]

House: You blow dry your hair?

Wilson: Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?

House: You blow dry your hair?!

Wilson: Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.

House: I think the word you’re looking for is obsessing. You’ve been at it for almost an hour.

Wilson: If you wanted in, all you had to do is say so.

House: I don’t want in, I want sleep!

Wilson: It’s about time you got up anyway, it’s almost 9:00.

House: This isn’t gonna work.

Wilson: What?

House: You. Staying here. [Taking Vicodin.]

Wilson: You’re kicking me out? After one night?

House: You think we should try counseling first? Why d’you want to sleep on a couch, anyway? You’ve got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.

Wilson: I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow. [as he leaves] What’s left of it. [House goes to the mirror and fools with his hair.]

[Cut to Cameron examing the man in the opening, who will now be known as Bob. Bob’s wife, Maria, is also there.]

Bob: It was three days ago. My throat got really dry, and my tongue felt like it was blowing up like a balloon.

Cameron: I assume somebody checked for food allergies?

Bob: The first two doctors both did.

Maria: The next one said it was a panic attack; the one after that wanted to take his tonsils out.

Bob: The last one had no idea, just referred us to Dr. House.

Cameron: It says the attack was proceeded by some sort of strenuous physical activity.

Bob: Um, yeah.

Cameron: What were you doing? [Bob looks uncomfortable, and Maria smirks.]

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

House: Awesome, a sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search. [He appears to be trying to poke a hole off of a pop-top can with a sharp object. Smart.]

Cameron: He’s not a sex fiend; he’s a happily married man.

House: No such thing. [He gets a whole, and quickly drinks the can from the hole in the bottom. Now, that’s a way to consume an energy drink!]

Cameron: What are you doing?

House: Testing a new caffeine delivery system.

Chase: He didn’t get his beauty sleep. Wilson’s moved in and apparently has unusually loud toenails.

Foreman: If they’re into rape fantasies, S&M is on the menu as well. Neck trauma could cause vocal chord paroxysms, which could cause choking.

Cameron: I didn’t see any sign of trauma, and they were remarkably open. I asked about STDs and they admitted about participating in a threesome a few months ago.

House: Hundred bucks says they’re as miserable as the next couple.

Chase: Another guy or girl?

Cameron: Girl. His wife’s college roommate.

Chase: If he’s not happily married, I don’t know who could be.

House: You’re looking for something. If you’re happy, you’ve got nothing to look for.

Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage. [Everyone stares at her.]

House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.

Cameron: I’ll take the bet.

Chase: Maybe the first doctor was right. Food allergy explains the anaphylaxis.

Foreman: Could be neurological. Progressive bulbar paralysis would explain the symptoms.

Cameron: No, ALS would affect his facial muscles before his throat.

House: [writing on the whiteboard] What if the problem’s not in his throat?

Chase: That would be a little odd considering that’s where all his symptoms are.

House: Says who?

Cameron: The patient.

House: Since most patients can’t tell their ulna from their anus, I’m guessing this guy also doesn’t know the difference between choking and suffocating. His throat might be fine, his lungs might be messed up. Get more blood, a chest CT and a body plethysmograph. Unless, of course, you think we should be asking the patient where his anus is, first. [He leaves.]

[Cut to the clinic.]

Mr. Lambert: It feels like I have to urinate, and then when I try to go…

House: Pull up your pants.

Mr. Lambert: It’s my prostate, isn’t it?

House: Nope, not your prostate. Herpes.

Mr. Lambert: Herpes?

House: Herpes. Your turn. If it makes you feel better, half the patients who come into this place have some sort of crotch rot.

Mr. Lambert: No, it doesn’t. Look, this is impossible. I’ve been married for 20 years.

House: Had any sex in those 20 years?

Mr. Lambert: Yes, of course –

House: Then that’s how you got it.

Mr. Lambert: The only person I’ve had sex with is my wife.

House: Bummer. Take this, once a day. Tell your wife to do the same. It’s not going to cure it, but it’ll lessen the frequency of the outbreaks.

Mr. Lambert: But there must be some mistake –

House: You got any kids?

Mr. Lambert: Yeah.

House: Any of them take guitar lessons?

Mr. Lambert: No…

House: Tennis, art, acting?

Mr. Lambert: My daughter does karate, why?

House: Give this to her sensai. Oh, wait, does your wife play tennis?

Mr. Lambert: No.

House: That’s what I figured. It never hurts to make sure. [gives him another script] For Miyagi.

[Cut to the plethysmography machine.]

Cameron: I’m gonna close the shutter now. I need you to pant, kinda like a dog. [Bob does so.] That’s good, keep going. [to Maria, who is watching with Cameron] Can I ask you a personal question?

Maria: Uh, I guess.

Cameron: The threesome, and the roleplaying… is that because things get boring?

Maria: No, we just enjoy our fantasies.

Cameron: No. [to Bob] You can go back to taking deep breaths now.

Maria: Marriages don’t fail because couples get bored. They fail because, while they’re dating people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then, well, there’s only so long you can keep that up.

Cameron: Maybe they are that person while they’re dating, but then they change.

Maria: People thinking that their partner will change, that’s another reason marriages fail. [From inside the machine, Bob winks at Maria. Maria winks back, badly.] People don’t change. Least, not in any way that really matters.

[Cut to the Ducklings entering House’s office. They find him juggling.]

Chase: I think you’ve had enough caffeine.

Foreman: You were right, it’s not his throat, it’s his lungs.

Cameron: Plethysmograph showed decreased lung capacity –

Chase: -- and the CT showed lung scarring. [They’re both staring and House and his juggling skills.]

Foreman: It’s definitely interstitial pulmonary fibrosis. What’s not definite is the cause. There’s no arthritis, no sarcoidosis, he’s not on any prescription meds, and he’s a wedding photographer, so I doubt he got exposed to coal dust or asbestos at work.

Cameron: Cause could be idiopathic.

House: Can’t be idiopathic. Idiopathic means “without a known cause.”

Cameron: What I meant was that –

House: What you meant was you don’t know what the cause is, just say that and we can avoid this conversation. [He stops juggling, catching the oversized tennis ball behind his back.] No applause? [Chase starts to move his hands, but stops. Bwah.] What’s his current condition?

Cameron: Stable.

House: Then we can wait.

Foreman: Wait for what?

House: For whatever you can’t figure out to cause something else. You know it’s going to.

Foreman: It’s possible the IPF could just continue to – [All of the team’s beepers go off, and the three rush off.]

[Cut to Maria and Bob, the latter of which is doing worse.]

Maria: There’s something wrong with his skin.

Bob: Do something!

Cameron: Okay, stop scratching, we’ve gotta look at it.

Bob: I can’t. It’s just driving me crazy!

Cameron: You’ve gotta stop scratching so we can look at it!

Bob: Stop, stop, make it stop! [CGI inside of his hives, which look quite nasty.

[Cut to the team, walking.]

House: Now we’ve got something to discuss. What causes both lung scarring and the itchy, red blotches?

Chase: It’s obviously not a reaction to medication, you haven’t given him any yet.

House: Right, but what beside what’s obviously not caused both the lung scarring and the splotches? [He heads toward the bathroom.]

Foreman: Where are you going?

House: To complete the second half of the caffeine delivery system. Either talk loud or get in here. [Foreman and Chase enter, Cameron decides to talk loud.] Same color going out as going in – think that’s a marketing thing?

Foreman: Lupus could cause lung scarring and a rash.

Chase: Or it could still be a food allergy.

Foreman: We’ve already ruled out allergies.

House: Did we? Where’s Cameron?

Foreman: We’re in the men’s room.

House: [yelling] Need an allergy expert in here! [Cameron rolls her eyes and enters.]

Cameron: This can wait two minutes.

House: You don’t know that. Chase thinks that food allergies should still be on the table.

Cameron: No, wouldn’t explain the lung scarring.

Chase: Some homeopathic studies have found a connection between food allergies and autoimmune reactions, which could cause lung inflammation.

Cameron: Yeah, and some homeopathic studies have also found that ground-up spiders can cure cancer. Can I go now?

House: No. Lungs, skin. Skin, lungs. Sklungs? Lungs, skin. Throat. [He stares at the rust on the urinal’s plumbing.] Heavy metal toxicity. It explains the lungs, the itching, the swelling in the tongue and throat.

Foreman: I thought you didn’t believe there was anything wrong in his throat.

House: I never said I didn’t believe it. I just said I had good reason to doubt it.

Chase: And now?

House: Now I have good reason to doubt those doubts.

Chase: Patient’s still a little old to be chewing paint off the wall.

Foreman: Nor does he drink well water, eat fish every day, or do anything else to expose him to heavy metals.

Cameron: He and his wife worked a wedding in Cabo San Lucas. A lot of pottery in Mexico is contaminated with lead-based paint.

House: Now aren’t you glad you joined us? Search their house, and screen his hair and blood for lead. And test for mercury and arsenic while you’re at it. Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they’ve repainted recently or did any plumbing repairs.

Chase: I don’t speak Spanish.

House: Then it’ll be challenging.

[Cut to House entering his apartment. The TV’s on, and Wilson is on the couch, eating.]

House: Good Lord, what is that smell?

Wilson: Stuffed pepper.

House: Stuffed with what? Vomit? [He opens the closet to put in his coat, and has to kick things out of the way to close it again.] I thought you were going to a hotel.

Wilson: I found an apartment. I can move in on Monday. Is that fast enough for you?

House: What’s today? Where’d you get all that stuff?

Wilson: Well, not from your kitchen. Don’t you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?

House: Don’t you ever eat anything that doesn’t look like it’s been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?

Wilson: [grabbling a spoon] Try it. [House tries a tiny bite.] It’s good, isn’t it?

House: No. Just better than it looks. How much beans and rice d’you think you’d have to eat from a ceramic pot painted with lead-based paint if you’ve got enough lead in your system to damage your lungs?

Wilson: Are we talking a child or an adult?

House: Adult.

Wilson: Then I’d say a lot. You’d have to eat beans every day for months. [Wilson flips to House’s TiVo, which has selected to tape/watch The O.C., Spongebob, Monster Truck Jam, New Yankee Workshop, and Blackadder. Hee.] Now, why do you have a season pass to “The New Yankee Workshop”?

House: Complete moron working with power tools – how much more suspenseful can you get? [He grabs the remote.]

Wilson: I was watching something!

House: No, you’re about to watch something. I’m watching something. See the difference.

[Cut to Foreman inspecting Maria and Bob’s place.]

Maria: If the water was contaminated, wouldn’t I be sick, too?

Foreman: People can metabolize toxins at different rates. Test it to make sure. Have you done any recent renovations?

Maria: No.

Foreman: Have any problems with bugs or rodents?

Maria: Just the occasion ant.

Foreman: Use bug spray?

Maria: No, I hate the smell. Luckily, both of us are pretty anal about keeping things clean.

Foreman: Yeah, I can tell. [He sees an ant crawling across a picture.]

[Cut to House in Diagnostics, eating pancakes.]

House: You think ants are the problem?

Cameron: Can you stop stuffing your mouth with pancakes for one second?

House: These aren’t pancakes. These are macadamia nut pancakes. Wilson made them and they’re amazing.

Foreman: She says she doesn’t use bug spray –

House: Little silver dollar slices of heaven.

Foreman: Some ants are poisonous. Maybe –

House: Forget the 72 virgins. If I blow myself up in a crowded restaurant, I think I’m asking for a plate of these babies. [Cameron has naked desire on her face.] Was the ant small and red or big and black?

Foreman: Big and brown.

House: Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?

Cameron: Is there a difference?

House: [to Foreman] Is there a difference. Army ants could devour, dissolve, eat a cow in a matter of hours. Australian bull ants, on the other hand, are nasty little bastards, but more of a nuisance than a threat. [Chase nods his agreement.] No surprise there.

Foreman: Beyonce.

House: Well then, that’s not it. How much clay did he eat at the resort?

Chase: It’s a five-star, $400 a night place, they don’t cook with ceramic pots.

House: Tox screen?

Cameron: No evidence of lead, mercury or arsenic.

House: Run them again. Call the resort, find some disgruntled employee to talk to. Go back to the home –

Foreman: It’s not heavy metals!

House: The symptoms say it is.

Cameron: The tests say it’s not.

House: Well, who’re you gonna believe? The symptoms or the test?

Chase: It could also be a food allergy.

House: Cameron says it’s not.

Chase: If your tests can be wrong, why can’t hers?

Cameron: His diet hasn’t changed since he was a kid. His favorite food is corn flakes.

Chase: Which I assume he eats with milk, one of the most common adult onset food allergies.

House: Start treating him for lead poisoning, it’s the most likely heavy metal. And yeah, you can test him for allergies for dairy, wheat, and legume. [The team leaves. Chase tries to steal a pancake but House slaps his hand away.]

[Cut to Cuddy entering the clinic. A woman approaches her.]

Mrs. Lambert: I am not having an affair with my daughter’s karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.

Cuddy: [to a passing nurse] Find out where House is.

[Cut to Maria and Bob. Chase is doing scratch tests.]

Maria: If you’re convinced it’s allergies, why are you giving him drugs to treat lead poisoning?

Chase: We’re not convinced of anything, yet.

Bob: I think I need something else. This cream isn’t working.

Chase: We’re doing everything we can.

Bob: Ow!

Chase: Sorry.

Bob: No, it’s not my back, it’s my feet! I think I stepped in something when I went to the bathroom. It’s on my socks, it’s burning!

Maria: I don’t see anything.

Bob: Please, take my socks off!

Chase: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Chase starts to remove them]

Bob: Ow! Stop, stop, stop!

Maria: What did you just scratch him with?

Chase: If there was an allergic reaction it would be on his back, not on his feet.

Bob: [screaming] Ah, it’s burning! Please make it stop!

Chase: Gonna need some gabapentin in here.

[Cut to Diagonstics.]

Chase: Excruciating pain in the lower extremities. Not a sign of a food allergy.

Foreman: Means there’s a neurological problem.

House: More significantly, it’s yet another classic sign of heavy metals.

Cameron: And I just did yet another hair and blood test for lead and everything else he possibly could have been exposed to, they’re all negative. It’s gotta be something else.

Foreman: Lupus could cause –

House: No. Lupus progresses slower, there’d be joint pain.

Foreman: So it’s not a typical case! We should get an ANA –

House: It’s not lupus! The symptoms don’t match.

Cameron: And the tests don’t match heavy metals. [Again, all three are beeped and they rush off. House takes a Vicodin and stares at the board.]

[Cut to Bob’s room.]

Maria: It’s happening again, he’s not breathing!

Chase: Tongue swelling, airway’s closing, he’s not getting any air.

Cameron: His lungs are clear.

Chase: We’re gonna have to intubate. Gotta relax, Bob, this is gonna help you breathe. [Instead of relaxing, Bob starts to vomit.]

Maria: Oh, my God!

Chase: He’s gonna aspirate, he needs suction!

Maria: What’s happening?

Foreman: Suction!

Chase: There’s too much vomit, we’re never gonna be able to intubate! We need to trach him!

Maria: He’s not breathing! [The team performs possibly the most disgusting tracheotomy I have ever seen.]

[Cut to the aftermath. Cameron is getting a sample of the vomit to do testing.]

[Cut to House and Foreman in the hall.]

Foreman: His urine has elevated proteins and red blood cells. It’s lupus-induced kidney failure. If we don’t start treatment –

House: Heavy metal toxicity could cause vomiting.

Foreman: So would lupus nephritis! And it also causes tissue swelling.

House: He’s choking on his tongue, not his feet.

Foreman: The cortical steroids we gave him should control the inflammation and can cause facial swelling.

House: Still not his throat, but you’re getting closer.

Foreman: I’m doing an ANA and a serum compliment.

House: If you’re so sure, why waste time with tests? Start treatment. Oh no, wait, you can’t do that, because we already have and it’s not working, ergo –

Foreman: Cortical steroids aren’t the only treatment for lupus nephritis! We can also try cyclophosphamide or immunosuppressants!

House: Only if we confirm the diagnosis with an ANA, serum compliment, anti-DNA, IV pyelogramic kidney biopsy.

Foreman: So now you suddenly believe in tests?

House: The symptoms –

Foreman: The symptoms all point to heavy metal poisoning. Yeah, we all get it. Unless you’ve got proof and can tell me which heavy metal it is, I’m starting treatment for lupus.

[Cut to Foreman with Maria in Bob’s room.]

Foreman: Systemic lupus erythematosus causes the immune system to become hyperactive, attack normal tissue. It could be what caused the lung inflammation as well as the swelling in his throat, and now what appears to be damage to his kidneys. The treatment’s usually steroids.

Maria: But he’s already on steroids.

Foreman: If the tests confirm we’re on the right track there are other medications we can try.

Maria: And if those don’t work?

Foreman: Well, lupus, it’s a chronic condition, but it’s generally controllable.

Maria: What do you mean, generally?

Foreman: In rare cases, it can cause cardiovascular or renal failure.

Maria: Cardiovascular and renal, that’s the heart and the kidneys, right?

Foreman: Yeah.

Bob: Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.

[Cut to House, eating more of Wilson’s cooking and looking at the whiteboard in his office. Wilson enters.]

Wilson: Enjoying the salad?

House: There’s no lettuce.

Wilson: I’m aware that there’s no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge?

House: Actually, I’m in the middle of –

Wilson: When I made it. For myself.

House: Well, how was I supposed to know?

Wilson: Well, I was hoping this might tip you off. [points to cover, which has a post-it note on it that states: “MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!”]

House: That’s kind of selfish, don’t you think?

Wilson: I offered to make you some, you said no!

House: Ah, that was before I tasted the pancakes. It’s a compliment, you should be flattered. [Cuddy enters.]

Cuddy: Here. [hands him a file] It’s Mrs. Lambert’s herpes test results.

House: Mrs. who?

Cuddy: You’ve told more than one patient his wife is sleeping with his daughter’s karate teacher? You want to stir the pot, you have to clean up the mess.

House: What would you do if you got herpes?

Cuddy: She’s coming in at 5:00, don’t make me come looking for you.

House: Actually, I’d know what you’d do. But, I mean, a normal guy.

Cuddy: And don’t be calling in sick or saying that your team needs you for some sort of emergency consult.

House: If he suspected that his wife had also been playing the pickle games, he’d just keep it on the down-low. Just wait ‘till she got infected.

Wilson: You’d give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame –

Cuddy: He’d give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty. [She leaves.]

House: Of course, maybe it was the wife. Maybe she was the one who – [And with the Music of Epiphany, House has figured something out about the Patient of the Week.]

[Cut to the MRI.]

House: Where’s Mrs. Nympho?

Cameron: She’s waiting outside, why?

House: Go search her.

Cameron: Why, you need her medical records?

House: If I’d meant that, good chance I’d’ve said that.

Cameron: You think she’s poisoning him?

House: His symptoms should be getting better the longer he’s here, instead they’re getting worse.

Cameron: So either she’s poisoning him, or it’s not heavy metals. We’ve done over ten heavy metal tox screens –

House: Because there’s no reason to test for the other thirty. They don’t get into the air or food, they only get there if someone puts them in you. The only way we’re going to find out what she’s been sprinkling on his corn flakes is to search her.

Cameron: I am not going to accuse a woman of trying to murder her husband simply based on some paranoid theory.

House: It’s the only explanation. We’ve eliminated every other possibility.

Cameron: We have not eliminated every other possibility!

House: Has he responded to the latest lupus treatment?

Cameron: He’s only been on it for a few hours.

House: He hasn’t responded because it’s not lupus! It’s not allergies, ALS, arthritis or sarcoidosis. She’s all that’s left.

[Cut to House going to see Maria in the waiting room.]

House: Hi, I’m Dr. House. Mind if I take a look in your purse?

Maria: Why?

House: Because I’m going to need to search it and you for whatever you’re using to poison your husband.

Maria: Why would I want to hurt my husband?

House: Then you won’t mind if I search your things.

Maria: Go ahead. [He looks through her bag.] You satisfied?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Cuddy: Absolutely not.

House: She agreed to let me search everywhere else, but this she says no to. Doesn’t that tell you something?

Cuddy: Yes, that she doesn’t want some lunatic doctor searching her vagina with a flashlight.

House: Cameron can do that.

Cameron: I am not going to –

House: The woman hasn’t left the hospital since they arrived. Whatever she’s using she’s obviously hiding somewhere.

Cameron: She’s not poisoning him!

House: It’s the only explanation!

Cameron: No, it’s the only explanation your twisted mind can come up with because you’re angry that you can’t find the answer and you’re taking it out on her!

House: And you are protecting a complete stranger based on some childishly romantic notion that people are all so happily married they don’t want to kill each other!

Cameron: Are you calling my childish?

House: Grow up.

Cuddy: Shut up. Both of you. And stay away from his wife. Sorry, I’m not giving you permission to assault someone.

[Cut to Foreman, Cameron, Maria and Bob walking down the hall (well, Bob is being wheeled. House is watching them from the nurses’ station. Wilson sees him staring.]

Wilson: Let’s see… I’m thinking Colonel Mustard, in the music room, with the candlestick.

House: There’s no music room, it’s the conservatory.

Wilson: Same thing.

House: No, it isn’t. If we don’t find out what she’s using, start treatment, she’ll be dead in a week.

Wilson: If you’re right. If Foreman’s right, you’d have basically raped an innocent woman. [sighs] My wife fired the maid. Apparently she’s getting rid of anything that reminds her of me.

House: You did your maid?

Wilson: I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her, God knows why.

House: Maybe she was doing her.

Wilson: No one was doing her, all right?

House: But you still feel responsible. Even though nothing or no one was done, it’s still your fault.

Wilson: I offered to keep paying her salary until she found another job, but she refused to take any money without doing any work, so…. If you want someone to clean your apartment, it’s on me.

House: You’re supposed to be moving out, not moving more people in.

Wilson: She’s not moving in, she’s gonna clean!

House: Maybe I should just move out, and the two of you could –

Maria: [from Bob’s room] Oh, God! [Beeping is heard.] Oh, God, no!

Foreman: Call the code! [Wilson and House look on.] Charging 360, give him epi! Clear!

Cameron: Still no pulse.

Foreman: Charging! Clear!

Cameron: I got a pulse. Pupils are reactive. You still with us?

Foreman: He was without oxygen for less than a minute, can’t be hypoxia. Could be a stroke.

Maria: Can you hear me?

Foreman: Back up.

Maria: Bob, talk to me! Bob! Honey, please! [Bob catches his breath.]

Cameron: Bob, can you hear me? [He nods.]

Maria: He’s awake!

Cameron: Can you hear me?

Maria: Honey? Hi.

Wilson: Yes, she is quite the little actress.

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

House: So, let’s say she’s not poisoning him.

Foreman: There’s nothing more to discuss. We’ve got lung and kidney failure, neurological symptoms, and now cardiac arrest. A systemic disease with multi-organ involvement is the definition of lupus.

Cameron: Auto-immunosuppressant aren’t helping.

Chase: We should start him on cyclophosphamide, see if it makes a difference.

House: Yeah, and interferon.

Foreman: Interferon isn’t an approved treatment for lupus.

Cameron: You’re not still thinking –

Chase: Interferon isn’t an approved treatment for heavy metal toxicity, either.

House: True. But it’s pretty much the only thing we can do for a viral infection. We didn’t consider it because it doesn’t –

Foreman: Because it doesn’t make sense! There’s no fever!

House: Because he’s got no immune system, thanks to the immunosuppressant you prescribed him for lupus treatment.

Cameron: He didn’t present with a fever, either.

House: Because at that point he was a post-viral autoimmune reaction, which again, thanks to the immunosuppressant you prescribed for lupus treatment, his immune system basically rolled out the red carpet for the dormant virus, waking it up, turning it into a present viral infection. Give him interferon.

Foreman: But if it is lupus, interferon could make it worse. Suppress his bone marrow even further.

House: Which is more likely, a rapidly progressing, acute onset lupus in a patient who’s already on steroids or a team of doctors missing a post-viral reaction?

Foreman: We didn’t miss anything.

House: Well, then, I’m wrong, and she shouldn’t. Give him interferon!

[Cut to Foreman talking to Maria.]

Foreman: Intravenous interferon has been shown to be effective against some viral infections.

Maria: But I thought you said it wasn’t an infection. You said it was lupus!

Foreman: The increasingly rapid progression of the symptoms has caused us to reconsider.

Maria: And what if you’re wrong here, too? What if it’s not a virus?

Foreman: There are risks with interferon, especially in a patient who’s already immunosuppressed. [to Bob] Look, at this point your lungs, kidneys and heart are all failing. We really don’t have any choice. [Bob nods.]

[Cut scenes of Bob and the IV, and Maria sitting next to next to him.]

Bob: I cheated.

Maria: What?

Bob: 9th grade. Earth science. Mr. Foley. I sat behind you so I could cheat off of you.

Maria: And I let you cheat so you’d sit behind me.

Bob: I thought we were gonna grow old together.

Maria: In 9th grade?

Bob: No, 10th.

Maria: What, you had to make sure I put out first?

Bob: No, I knew you put out in the 7th grade. I love you.

Maria: Yeah, I know.

Bob: Say you love me.

Maria: No.

Bob: Why not?

Maria: Because you’re not dying.

Bob: Say it anyway. You gonna make me hurt you?

Maria: I love you. [The camera pulls back to show Cameron watching.]

[Cut to the hallway.]

Foreman: It’s not working. Both his lungs and his kidneys are continuing to deteroriate.

House: Up the dose.

Foreman: We already have.

House: Apparently not enough.

Foreman: I don’t think it’s a virus. We’ve been running titers for everything we could think of, they’re all negative. [House’s beeper beeps.]

House: Increase the interferon.

Foreman: House –

House: You got a better idea, other than lupus?

Foreman: No.

House: Then up the dose.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

Cuddy: Mr. and Mrs. Lambert’s office was over an hour ago.

House: Sorry, I was sick. And my team needed an emergency consult. Your wife has herpes.

Mrs. Lambert: What? That’s impossible. I don’t have any –

House: You haven’t had an outbreak. Yet. Don’t worry, you will.

Mrs. Lambert: You ruddy jackass!

Mr. Lambert: Me? But I haven’t been with anyone else in 20 years!

Mrs. Lambert: But you’re the one with blisters on his –

House: Doesn’t mean he got it first. You don’t need to have an outbreak to spread the virus.

Mr. Lambert: Yeah, and you’re the one talking about always wanting more sex!

Mrs. Lambert: From you! And maybe I’d actually get more if you weren’t getting it somewhere else!

House: Well, you two obviously have a lot to talk about.

Cuddy: Don’t even think about dumping this on my lap.

Mrs. Lambert: There’s got to be some way to prove that it’s him.

Cuddy: I’m sorry, there is no test –

House: Either of you two ever sit on a public toilet? Well?

Mr. Lambert: Of course.

House: Herpes can live for short periods of time outside the body.

Cuddy: Dr. House, you know you can’t get herpes from –

House: Some politically correct doctors will tell you that it’s impossible to get infected by a toilet seat, but they’ll also tell you not to use the same bath towel to wipe your crotch and your face during an outbreak. See the contradiction?

Mrs. Lambert: I always use a paper cover.

House: Always?

Mrs. Lambert: Yes, of course.

House: What about you?

Mr. Lambert: No. I never knew.

Mrs. Lambert: Oh, please, this is ridiculous.

House: Damn, I was sure it was Miyagi.

Mrs. Lambert: What?

House: He could believe that you could get herpes from a toilet seat, or he could be cheating on you and be happy to have an out.

Mr. Lambert: The toilet seat makes sense, doesn’t it?

House: Sure, but she’d only refuse to believe such a well presented lie if she were innocent. And since you both can’t be innocent, you ruddy jackass.

Mrs. Lambert: You… [She takes off her wedding ring and drops it on the floor.]

Mr. Lambert: Thanks a lot.

House: My pleasure.

Mr. Lambert: Honey? Wait, please! [They leave, running.]

Cuddy: Wow. Not bad. [House looks at the ring, and the Music of Epiphany hits again.]

[Cut to House leaving, and talking on his cell.]

House: She has a family history of arthritis, doesn’t she?

Cameron: [on the other end] Yeah, she does. What does –

House: Stop the interferon. Do another heavy metal screen, only this time test for gold.

Cameron: You don’t still think that she –

House: And don’t let her go to the bathroom!

Cameron: Why would you care if she – hello?

[Cut to Cameron whispering something to Foreman.]

[Cut to House on his motorcycle, speeding home.]

[Cut to Chase, printing out test results. He passes them to Foreman, who looks surprised.]

[Cut to House, who rushes in, startling the maid.]

House: Ho!

Lady: Hi, I’m Lady.

House: What did you do to my closet?

Lady: Uh, I cleaned it. Dr. Wilson said that I could go ahead and –

House: It’s not Dr. Wilson’s closet! [And all the slashers go hee!] Where’s the wood box?

Lady: Wood box?

House: Yes, the wood box. It’s made of wood, and it’s box-shaped. It’s been in the back of this closet since the day I moved in.

Lady: I didn’t see any kind of –

House: Well, you may not have seen it, but you’ve obviously moved it. The question is, where?

Lady: Well, I did not move anything, I just left the –

House: Look, it was in this closet, then you came, now it’s not in this closet!

Lady: Okay, what type of box is it?

House: Wood! Wood! It’s a brown, wood box, it’s got a metal handle, it looks like a tackle or a toolbox –

Lady: Ah, you mean the chest! The one that’s under the bed?

[Cut to House finding his box under the bed. He quickly opens it and pawns through the numerous small bottles inside.]

Lady: Do you need to fix something?

House: [pocketing the desired bottle] Um, thanks.

[Cut to Maria, who just wants to go to the bathroom.]

Maria: Fine, then I’ll go to one on another floor.

Cameron: Actually, they’re not working there, either.

Maria: Every bathroom in the whole hospital is out of order?

Cameron: Well, there, um, the water –

Maria: I’m going to the bathroom.

[Cut to House, looking for Maria.]

House: Where is she?

Cameron: She had to go to the bathroom. House: I told you not to let her.

Cameron: What was I supposed to do? Tie her up?

House: Why not, she likes that. [He tosses his cane to Chase and works on opening the bottle while walking to the bathroom.]

[Cut to the ladies’ room.]

Maria: What are you doing? [House grabs her hand.] Uh, your hand is wet.

House: Sorry, must be nervous. I got some bad news.

Maria: What?

House: The damage to your husband’s lungs is permanent. Kidney damage is reversible and with the right therapy he should regain full neurological function. Other than the fact that he’s not going to be running any marathons, he’s going to be fine.

Maria: But that’s good news, isn’t it?

House: I’m not finished. When I was a kid, my dad was stationed at a marine base in Egypt. We were in the middle of nowhere and there was absolutely nothing for a kid to do except look for a mummy’s tomb.

Maria: You didn’t want me to go to the bathroom because you wanted to tell me my husband is going to be fine and that you used to live in Egypt?

House: I didn’t have a problem with you going to the bathroom. I just didn’t want you to wash your hands. I never actually did find a mummy, but I did learn a fair amount about the ancient Egyptians. For example, they discovered that stanis chloride is not only great for toughening ruby glass, but if it’s mixed with gold, it turns bright purple. [He turns over Maria’s hand, which is turning purple.] Now, either your fingers are actually worth their weight in gold, or you’ve been sprinkling your husband’s cereal with gold sodium thiomalate. It’s an arthritis remedy that’s rarely used here in the US, but it’s still popular in Mexico. I’ve gotta give you props. I’ve never heard of anyone using gold before. It’s almost… poetic.

Maria: It’s ridiculous.

Chase: Heavy metal tox screen for gold was off the chart.

Maria: Why would I –

House: If you were trying to kill him, I’d love to know the why behind that why. But you’re not going to tell me, are you?

Maria: You’re wrong. I love Bob.

House: I never said you didn’t love him.

[Cut to the hallway.]

Cameron: Why would somebody do that? Sit by somebody’s beside day and night, helping them, comforting them, and at the same time killing them?

Foreman: Maybe he was having an affair?

Chase: Maybe she was having an affair.

House: Or maybe she just gets her kicks slowly sucking the life out of a guy and watching him suffer.

Foreman: He must have done something to her.

House: Yeah, he had it coming.

Foreman: I didn’t he deserved it.

Chase: The only thing he did wrong was marry a sociopath.

House: Or maybe she just got tired of being married. Didn’t want to admit to family and friends that the marriage that everyone thought was perfect wasn’t.

Foreman: Shouldn’t one of us stay with her? If she tries to run –

House: Yeah, Cameron, go back there. Well, it would be weird if we were all in the ladies’ room. [House leaves in the elevator.]

[Cut to the front door. Maria is led away in handcuffs as Cuddy and Cameron watch.]

[Cut to House, staring at the whiteboard.]

Cameron: We started chelation therapy with dimercaprol.

House: Thrilled to hear it.

Cameron: His kidney function hasn’t improved.

House: It will.

Cameron: He’s gonna need a lung transplant.

House: He’s becoming more attractive by the minute, isn’t he?

Cameron: You’re pleased. You think you’ve proved every marriage is a mistake

House: Do I look pleased? [Cameron walks over to him, pulls a $20 from her waistband and hands it to him.]

Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.

[Closing montage – to “Love and Happiness,” no less. Foreman and Chase are walking around the hospital, and talking to Bob, who gives them universal look of, “No, seriously? Whoa..”. House is driving home. He gets to his apartment and looks in the fridge, of course picking the piece of food that says: “PROPERTY OF JAMES WILSON TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!” He starts to listen to his voice mail.]

Answering machine: You have one new message.

Message: Hi, this is Blake Hansen, calling for Dr. Wilson. Uh, I got a better offer for the apartment. Now, I know I offered it to you already, so if you match the offer you can still have the place. Make sure you call me first thing in the morning and let me know. Otherwise, well, you’ve got my number. [House looks at Wilson sleeping on the couch and deletes the message.]

THE END

Season 2 X 14 : Sex Kills

Original Airdate: 3/7/2006
Written by: Matt Witten
Directed by: David Semel
Transcript by: Jenna

BEGINNING

(Scene opens on elderly people sitting around a table playing bridge)

Woman: Two spades.

Man: Three hearts.

Woman: It's all yours.

[Scene shifts to the next table when Henry and his daughter Amy are seated with two other elderly people]

Henry: I'm forced.

Man: And that's five. And that's six. Not bad. [to Amy] On a slam contract, you normally want to play your winners early.

Amy: Sorry Dad.

Henry: Nah, you're learning, you're doing fine.

Woman: Carny Gilman's a good player. And a widow.

Henry: I should take her out because she can play bridge? You're a true romantic.

[Amy looks uncomfortable]

Woman: You should ask somebody out. You think Cecile's not dating yet?

[Gossip on the next table]

Man: Cecile was dating before she left.

Woman: Oh shut up, Mark.

Henry: No, I have a partner, and she's doing great.

Woman: Amy should be out having fun.

[They deal out the cards for the next round]

Amy: I'm having fun.

[Amy looks at her cards; sounds start to become distorted as we hear from her perspective]

Man: Yeah, look like you're having the time of your life.

[Both the man and woman smile at her]

Man: One, no trump.

Woman: Ooh!

Amy: I'm just a little nauseous I umm... I think I ate too much. Can we take a break?

Henry: Of course. Excuse us?

[Father and daughter leave the table; Henry worriedly takes Amy's arm as they walk]

Henry: What did you eat?

Amy: Nothing weird.

Henry: Have you been drinking?

Amy: No. Dad, you know I--

Henry: Because I don't mind if you--

[Henry suddenly goes into an absence seizure and the hand around Amy's arm keeps squeezing tighter and tighter]

Amy: Dad? Dad? Dad?! What are you doing?

[CGI of Henry's nerves in his brain]

Amy: You're scaring me, it hurts! Let go!

[The elderly people still sitting at the tables become alarmed and stand up]

Amy: What are you doing?!

Man: Henry! Henry! Let go of her!

[Henry suddenly pops out of his absence seizure]

Henry: --the occasional drink doesn't bother me but... what?

Amy: [staring at him in confusion] You ok?

Henry: What's the matter?

[OPENING CREDITS]

(Scene opens on Foreman checking Henry's pupils in one of the patient’s rooms)

Foreman: You had what's called an absence seizure. Anything like that happen to you before?

Henry: No, nothing.

Amy: He's been really healthy. He jogs, he eats right, he--

Henry: Well I did have a headache last Sunday, and for the past 2 years I've been getting acid reflux a lot and I thought that err... antacids were all I needed. Should I have come in sooner?

Foreman: For acid reflux and a headache? [shakes his head]

Henry: [looks undecided then speaks to Amy] You know, I hear the coffee downstairs is really good. Could you get me a cup, honey? [as Amy walks out the door] Would you mind closing the blinds?

[Foreman closes the blinds]

(Scene opens with House tossing a ball while looking at MRI scans in his office)

Foreman: His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.

House: Cool.

Chase: It's probably testicular cancer.

House: No. That's impossible.

Chase: The symptoms all indicate--

House: The shoes aren't right. [Chase and Cameron are confused of course] Here's how testicular cancer would manifest itself. First the patient would get the exact symptoms that he's got, then Foreman would examine him, then he'd suspect testicular cancer on the count of the symptoms being so perfect, then he'd stick a needle in it, then he'd call a surgeon. And while that guy operates, the rest of us would be out bowling. And since we're not wearing bowling shoes, the disease obviously did not progress in that fashion.

Foreman: LP showed some white cells, but his MRI is clean.

House: Sure, if you call a micro-abscess in his brain "clean".

[Foreman peers closer to take a look at the MRI but House slaps his hand over the scan Foreman's trying to look at]

House: What you don't trust me?

Foreman: Are you talking about the left temporal lobe?

House: Neat! You can see through my hand!

Foreman: It's just a shadow.

House: Or it's an infection. When guys have brain-crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.

Foreman: Blood and urine were negative for syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia.

House: So treat him for all 3. Stat.

Cameron: Umm... negative means he doesn't have it.

House: No, negative means he probably doesn't have it, which means he probably has cancer.

Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.

House: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. [he looks down at their shoes] Except Chase's, they're just goofy.

[Everybody now looks down at Chase's shoes after House's remark. Unfortunately, we don't get to see Chase's goofy shoes]

House: Lymphoma could cause infiltrates in his reproductive organs and his brain. If it does advance he's dead no matter what we do. [he starts to walk out the door] So give him the STD meds, and hope the tests were wrong.

(Scene cuts to Wilson buying a box of chocolates from the little candy/newspaper stall in the hospital lobby. House walks in)

House: Spinook. [takes up the box of chocs] Who's the lucky woman?

Wilson: My wife.

House: No, I don't want to know who gets the chocolates; I want to know who you're having the affair with.

Wilson: [to the guy behind the counter] Fell on his head as a child, tragic.

House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff the terrorists win.

Wilson: Some people bottle up their feelings, have them come out as physical pain. Healthy human beings express feelings such as affection by giving gifts.

[they walk into the clinic]

House: Gifts express guilt. The more expensive the expression, the deeper the guilt. That's a 12 dollar box so that means you haven't slept with her yet, or she wasn't that good.

Wilson: It's not all about sex, House.

House: Really? When did that change?

[Wilson gives House a glare]

(Scene cuts to male patient waiting inside the clinic room for House)

Patient: I wanna get depo provera.

House: [is surprised, but hides it as he closes the door] Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful, the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited.

Patient: Yeah but it would calm me down, right? If I get a high enough dose.

House: You mean calm as in... peaceful lake on a cool summer evening? Or in the lesser used meaning of nothing can ever bother you again because life has absolutely no meaning? High dose of depo provera will chemically castrate you.

Patient: Yeah. [long silence]

House: [draws a deep breath] Ok... I'm going to get up to leave now. I'm going to walk to that door, turn the handle, and then you're suddenly going to decide that you have to tell me the truth. I'm going to have to turn around and come all the way back. You see the thing is, my leg hurts. Can we cut the walking out of the equation?

Patient: I love cows.

House: [is puzzled. Pops a vicodin] Any particular variety? Corrientes? Holstein?

Patient: Which are the black and white ones?

House: Oh god.

Patient: I pass a farm on my way to school. And they're so beautiful. They're so majestic I dream about them. Leather shoes, hamburgers. How can anybody do that to a cow?

House: Make love, not belts. Beautiful.

Patient: I haven't actually--

House: Oh relax; it's something we doctors deal with all the time. And I'm going to write you the name of a drug, you don't need a prescription and looks just like depo provera.

Patient: But does it do the same thing?

House: Oh god no. That stuff has all sorts of nasty side effects. It's real medicine. Now this is all you need, your frat buddies will be completely fooled. You tell them how appalling the doctor was, lots of laughs.

(Cut to Foreman talking to Henry)

Foreman: We think you may have a sexually transmitted disease.

Henry: No, it's not possible.

Foreman: Sir, maybe we should speak in private? [we see Amy behind Foreman in a wider shot]

Amy: Have you tested him for this?

Foreman: The tests were negative.

Henry: Well, then it's not that. So what else could it be?

Foreman: Nothing good. If you've been having sex, you HAVE to tell me.

Henry: I have not had sex since my divorce.

(Cut to Foreman walking with House in the corridors)

House: I didn't ask him to take the medicine; I asked you do give him the medicine.

Foreman: He hasn't had sex in over a year.

House: He's lying.

Foreman: He knows what's at stake. We should start treating him for lymphoma right away. Maybe if we hit him hard and fast--

House: [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex?

Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?

House: No seriously, a week? A month?

Wilson: I'm not having an affair.

House: I didn't say you were. Not in this conversation. [Wilson looks fed up and walks away] I'm talking about a patient!

Foreman: People have impulse control, we don't NEED sex.

House: Well not like air, but as a biological imperative, sure we do. There's two things we get stupid for - money and sex, and since money rarely enters the bloodstream. Was his daughter in the room when you asked if he had sex?

Foreman: I told him we could talk privately, he didn't care if she was there.

House: [checks his watch] It's almost noon. The little girl would go to lunch. Soon as she's out the door, you're going to get paged. Then you page me.

[As House walks away Foreman's pager starts beeping as if on cue. House looks smug]

House: Lunch is early huh?

(Scene cuts to House walking into Henry's room)

House: Hi, I'm doctor House. I hear you'd rather die than admit you had sex.

Henry: I'm sorry I... couldn't tell my daughter.

House: Right, coz she's what? 22?

Henry: I slept with her mom.

House: She probably knows that's happened already. Roll over.

Henry: My wife had an affair, I forgave her. She had another affair and I forgave her again and... Amy thinks I was an idiot.

House: [he takes out some needles and preps them] So smart. You must be very proud. Roll over.

Henry: I assume that you've been in love.

House: Is that the one that makes you pants feel funny? I'm starting you on a cocktail of STD meds.

Henry: Amy is just getting over it. She barely spoke to her mom for months and if she thought that it was happening again and that's why I got sick... [he grimaces in pain as House jabs in the needle] We... we just happened to be at the same Italian cheese-tasting thing.

House: Cheese is the devil's plaything.

Henry: It was just the one night.

House: Well you're obviously completely over her.

Henry: Amy thinks love leads you to make stupid choices.

House: You're certainly setting a good example for her.

Henry: She just doesn't get it. If you're not prepared to look stupid then nothing great is ever going to happen, right? On the other hand, I guess your testicles aren't gonna explode either. [House is deep in thought over what Henry just said]

[Amy walks in]

Amy: Dad? Is everything ok?

Henry: [pulls the blankets over himself] I have a sexually transmitted disease.

Amy: How's that possible?

[Henry nervously looks over at House]

House: He met a woman in church.

[Amy looks pleased, Henry nods along]

Amy: Does she play bridge?

Henry: [laughs] Does she...? [his laugh turns into choking. He coughs out frothy bloody sputum as alarms start beeping over the monitors]

House: Crash cart!

[he pulls the bed out, a nurse rushes in and pushes Amy aside]

Henry: Is this another seizure?

House: Shut up.

Nurses: Coming in! [they pull in a cart with all the necessary equipment]

Nurse: Here you go [nurse hands House a bag to ventilate Henry]

House: 40 milligrams (some drug, I can't make out what he's saying above the beeping of the monitors) Knock him out.

[House intubates Henry, CGI of the frothy liquid in Henry's lungs before they attach the bag to help bring oxygen into Henry's lungs. I have to add that for the first time in a long time, House is doing the intubation instead of the Ducklings and having House really playing doctor is incredibly hot ;) ]

Amy: How would an STD do this?

House: It wouldn't.

(Scene cuts to Ducklings and House discussing in the conference room)

Chase: It was flash pulmonary edema. We took a litre of fluid off but the problem wasn't with his lungs. It's his heart. There are vegetations obstructing his mitral valve.

Foreman: It's not an STD. Lymphoma wouldn't erupt that suddenly.

House: So what is it? A disease that attacks his brain, heart and testicles. I think Byron wrote about that.

Cameron: Could be psittacosis. Chase: Chlamydia cultures would have come back positive.

Foreman: Strep viridans can hit the heart.

Cameron: Wouldn't mess with the reproductive system. [House walks over and Cameron hands him the whiteboard marker] Maybe things aren't so nicely connected. He's 65. We could be looking at multiple systems just starting to break down independently.

House: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. [he circles "Acid Reflux" on the whiteboard]

Chase: He's had acid reflux for years. It can't be relevant.

House: Seems there are other ways to kill people besides having sex with them. [He tosses the marker to Chase; Foreman looks suspicious as he tries to work out what House is thinking]

(Scene cuts to House sweeping aside the curtains to talk to Henry and Amy)

House: You don't need this so much. [he extubates Henry] Problem is not your lungs, it's your heart. That Italian cheese thing at the church - what sort of cheese?

Henry: Why do you need to know?

House: I'm having a fondue party. Was it sheep cheese?

Henry: Might have been. Why?

House: Was it soft?

Henry: Yeah.

House: Taste like crap?

Henry: Uhh... yeah. Bitter.

House: [takes a container out of his pocket and pops a small cube of cheese into Henry's mouth] Taste like this?

Henry: [chews in surprise] Yeah. But... how did you?

House: That was regular low fat American. I added some bacteria for flavour.

Amy: You fed him bacteria?

House: It's pretty much on everything. Especially the unpasteurised sheep cheese they make in the Alps. That stuff will give you brucellosis. Key to a long life - exotic women, and boring cheese. I'm going to start you on rifampin and doxycycline.

Henry: Doesn't make any sense. I mean nobody else at the "church" got sick.

House: 99.9% of "Christians" have so much acid in their stomach they become churning cauldrons of death for all those nasty brucellosis bugs. But you were taking antacids for your acid reflux, so that turns your digestive tract into a pleasant scenic river for all those bacterial tourists. [CGI of acid in stomach killing bacteria, then of Henry's stomach where the bacteria just float through]

(Scene cuts to House and Wilson playing foosball!)

[House has taken off his coat, and so has Wilson]

Wilson: You sure you're right?

House: Absolutely. Your socks don't match, which means you got out dressed in the dark, which means you don't want to wake your wife which means you don't want to talk to her, which means--

Wilson: I was referring to your patient.

House: Oh that. No. Come on, I'm basing it on cheese!

Wilson: How long before you get the tests back?

House: We'll know before that. If I'm wrong, he'll just keep getting worse and slowly die. And if I'm right, either we caught it in time he gets better, or we didn't and he goes into cardiac arrest at any moment. [House SCORES at foosball!]

(Scene cuts to Henry going into cardiac arrest, monitors are beeping and Chase is in attendance)

Chase: Paddles! Charging. 250. Clear! Charging, 300. Clear! Charging, 360. Clear! Epinephrine. [We start to hear no sound except that of the paddles charging and clearing. Chase continues in his efforts to revive Henry, Amy is crying in shock in a corner]

(Scene cuts back to House and Wilson playing foosball)

House: Are you going to tell her?

Wilson: That you suspect an affair? Sure. She already hates you, why not?

House: Because you think that getting it off your chest will let you sleep better. It won't. You'll end up sleeping on my lumpy couch.

Wilson: There's nothing to tell.

House: Why are you playing foosball here at 8 o' clock at night?

[House's pager starts beeping]

Wilson: You always want to simplify everything. Boil it down to nice, easy equations, nice easy answers.

House: [starts walking off] Go home and have sex with your wife.

(Scene cuts to House and Ducklings walking down the corridor)

Chase: His heart is back and sinus rhythm. Has a lot of damage though.

Cameron: It was brucellosis but we got to it too late. Vegetation broke off into his main coronary artery and caused an infarction.

Foreman: His heart muscle's half-dead. He'll be lucky to last a week.

[They reach the conference room and House walk in]

House: Other than that, how's he doing? [the Ducklings look a little disbelieving] Seriously. His brain, testicle, lungs, tonsils. How's all that other stuff doing?

Cameron: Uhh his brain is clear now, and so is the genital and urinary tract and his kidney function is good.

House: So... all he needs is a heart, and he's out of here.

(Scene cuts to House talking to the transplant committee)

House: He's a prime candidate for transplant. Doesn't smoke. Drinks moderately. His tox screen is negative for illegal drugs, and legal ones. Surveillance blood culture show absolutely no sign of any lingering brucella bacteria.

Cuddy: He's 66-yrs-old.

House: Told me he was 65. Liar. I'm out of here.

Simpson: [yes, this is the same one from Mob Rules and Babies and Bathwater] There is an inverse correlation between patient age and success rates.

House: He's in excellent health. This was his first hospitalisation since breaking his leg at 23. Or 22, I'm not sure anymore.

Simpson: If this patient were to survive the operation, he'd get another what? 5, 10, maybe 20 years if he's very lucky?

House: So you're saying that old people aren't as worth saving as young people?

Cuddy: He's saying that hearts are a scarce resource. We obviously have to choose criteria--

House: No I get it; women live longer so they should get preference, right? The African-Americans, they die a lot younger so to hell with them.

Simpson: What you think you're going to win me over by calling me a racist?

House: If the test is who gets to use it the longest, you can either be a racist or a hypocrite.

Simpson: Your patient had a life. A family. We've got 18-yr-old kids who only--

House: How old are you, doctor? When do we get to toss you on an ice flow?

Cuddy: And thank you doctor House. Unless anybody else has any further questions, we will now go into private session.

House: Oh I'm on pins and needles. I wonder how you'll decide.

(Scene cuts to Foreman walking in on Amy and Henry)

Amy: The Mets just won their third game in a row. Beat the Lakers. [reading from a newspaper]

Foreman: I'm sorry. They voted no.

Henry: So... then... will I die?

Foreman: Might have a week.

[Amy starts to cry]

(Scene cuts to House in his office, deep in thought and playing with his cane)

[Cameron walks in]

Cameron: I wrote a letter to the Board of Directors appealing the Transplant Committee's decision. I'm alleging bias against you clouded their medical judgement. I need you to sign.

House: They made the right call.

Cameron: You don't believe that. You told the committee--

House: I was advocating for my patient. [he signs the letter anyway]

Cameron: Then why are you--

House: Advocating for my patient. I gotta go clinic duty. I need you to get me the files on everybody who dies here today.

Cameron: You really think this thing will change their decision?

House: [as he walks out] Nope!

(Scene cuts to House walking to door of the exam room in the clinic. It's the same clinic patient as before of course)

House: Moooo!

Patient: I think I broke my ankle. I was kicked by a hoof. [he peels off his sock] I'm so in love. She was so beautiful.

House: Which one?

Patient: One of the black and white ones, I'm not sure what type--

House: Not which type, which one? I want a name.

Patient: Why would it have a name?

House: Not "it", she. Or he. I wanna know her dreams, her hopes.

Patient: It's a cow.

House: Hey, I'm not the one who said he was in love. People who actually have this condition rationalise it, they dismiss it, they don't elevate it to the level of poetry. Plus there's a wooden splinter in there. So either you hit yourself with a 2 by 4 or Elsie has a pick leg. I'm off duty at 6, give yourself another whack and come back and scam somebody else.

Patient: I'm sick. And you're a doctor, you have a duty to help me.

House: Technically I don't have to treat anybody before running a series of painful and often humiliating tests. [he takes out a needle and shows it off to intimidate the patient]

Patient: Whatever you need.

(Scene cuts to Cameron talking to House as they walk out of the clinic, she's struggling with a bundle of files)

Cameron: 90-yr-old woman died of pneumonia.

House: Unless she has a bionic heart. What's next?

Cameron: Umm... baby, died in the ICU.

House: Babies are useless, they got hearts the size of ping-pong balls. Next.

Cameron: Err... 40-yr-old male.

House: Yes?

Cameron: Heart attack.

[They take the lift up to Diagnostics floor]

House: If you really cared about me, you'd find me a better corpse.

Cameron: No other deaths. There's one woman who was in a car accident.

House: Bad one I hope.

Cameron: Don't think the procurement people have been notified.

House: Give me her file.

Cameron: It's in the ER; they're still looking on her.

House: Age?

Cameron: Not 40.

House: Young, damn.

Cameron: Young is good.

House: Smoker?

Cameron: Don't know.

House: Find out. [pops a vicodin]

Cameron: She's still alive. Even if we get on the list, we can't go near her.

House: Overweight?

Cameron: She's on the hefty side.

House: Excellent. Our odds just went up.

Cameron: What odds? What is this?

House: 60% of potential donor hearts get tossed in the trash because there's something wrong with them. With fat people, it's closer to 80.

Cameron: But if her heart's no good then--

House: Big fat sloppy heart beats no heart all [he winks at her before getting into the elevator and the door closes]

(Scene cuts to the ER, they're trying to revive the woman who was in the car accident, monitors are beeping. Her husband waits anxiously outside the door)

[House walks up to the husband, he's wearing a white doctor's coat! There've been speculations that it looks like Wilson's. This coat even has a pocket protector though it has fewer pens than there are normally in Wilson's coat]

House: Are you Mr Neuberger?

Donald: Yes.

House: I'm Doctor House. Need to ask you a few questions about your wife.

Donald: Is she going to be ok?

House: I'm afraid I don't know that. Could you tell me about her accident?

Donald: They think she fell asleep, went off the road, that's all they told me.

House: Any problems with her health until now?

Donald: Why?

House: Police say it's important.

Donald: Erm... she had a fever today but otherwise she was--

House: How high?

Donald: 101. She hasn't missed a day of teaching in... years. And I should have made her stay home.

House: Any other symptoms?

Donald: A stomachache. Who cares? She was in a car crash!

[Door to the ER suddenly opens]

Woman: Mr Neuberger.

Donald: Yeah?

Woman: My name's Ellen Stanmer, I'm the Organ Procurement Coordinator for Southern New Jersey. I just want to assure you that we'll treat her organs with care and dignity.

Donald: Her organs?! [he looks back in disbelief at House, [then back to Ellen] Laura died? [he starts to break down and cry]

Ellen: I... I'm sorry, I thought umm... she was just pronounced dead [looks at House], I thought he was telling you.

House: I didn't know. Shouldn't have made assumptions.

Donald: What did you want from me?

House: I'm sorry for your loss, but I need your wife's heart.

(Scene cuts to House walking into his office)

Foreman: The Organ Procurement Coordinator just left the hospital.

House: Means we got lucky, either that or she's getting lunch. [he chases Cameron away from the computer] Dead woman's last name have a 'u' or a 'w'?

Cameron: You're hacking into a confidential patient file?

House: Is that a problem for you?

Cameron: It's a 'u'. N - E - U.

House: [types it into the computer then starts reading the file] Three minutes ago... her organs were officially declared not viable. Time to go dumpster diving.

[Foreman checks the file after House leaves and runs after him]

Foreman: Hey, she's got Hepatitis C, her ALTs are three times normal. With Henry's immune system down, an infected heart will kill him.

House: Fortunately, she didn't have Hep C.

Foreman: She tested positive.

House: Her history says otherwise. Her husband told me she was running a fever with stomach pains, not symptomatic of Hep C.

(Scene cuts to Donald taking a last look at wife Laura's face before nodding at the nurse to pull the plug on her)

[House rushes in and reverses it so that Laura is back on support]

Donald: Hey what are you doing? What are you doing? [House ignores him] What are you doing?!

House: Again, sorry. But we need to talk.

(Cut to Cuddy's office)

Cuddy: Mr Neuberger has every right to take his wife off the ventilator.

House: His wife signed an organ donor card.

Cuddy: Which became invalid when her organs were turned down.

House: I can use them! I just need some time! Committee says they won't take her heart. Another committee says a guy can't have a heart. It's a marriage made in heaven. I can find a surgical team that can do this. Classify it as experimental, it's not going to screw with any numbers. This is what she wanted; she wanted her organs to help another--

Donald: She never wanted to be kept alive on a ventilator.

House: She's not, she's dead! She's not in pain, she's not suffering. It's just her... meat we're dealing with here.

Donald: [getting angry] This is my wife.

House: Not anymore.

Donald: She deserves some respect. Some dignity.

House: I respect the living.

Donald: Right, that is why you made me think that you were her doctor. Made me believe that maybe there was some hope.

House: I never said that I was her doctor.

Donald: Fine you didn't lie, but you sure as hell didn't give me any respect! I'm taking her off the machines. Now!

[he exits Cuddy's office]

Cuddy: Nicely played.

House: It's not over.

[They follow Donald out of the office; Amy is sitting alone outside the office when she spots Donald. She immediately goes up to him, stars in her eyes]

Amy: Excuse me, are you Mr Neuberger?

Donald: Yeah, why?

Amy: I'm Amy Arrington. I wanted to thank you. [Donald takes a moment to realise who Amy is and what she's thanking him for. He becomes even more upset]

House: This girl's father will die by next weekend unless he gets your wife's heart.

Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?

House: No, it's hugely manipulative.

Donald: You're an ass.

House: Hey listen, you take your wife off life support, and I'll have forgotten about this in two weeks. Gale here on the other hand--

Amy: Amy.

House: Whatever. You're mad at me, fine I get that, take it out on me, not on her.

[Donald is silent for a moment before he steps up to House and knees him EXTREMELY hard in the groin. Ouch. He falls to the floor.]

Donald: Fine. Your dad can err... have her heart. [He walks out]

(Scene cuts to House walking slowly into the office. He's still very sensitive in the groin area obviously. His voice is also raspy and a little higher than normal. Ducklings look a little confused but don't pursue it)

House: Fever, stomach pain, raised liver enzymes.

Foreman: She's sick.

House: Worse than that, she's dead.

Foreman: My point is, even if it's not Hep C, it's something. They turned it down as a donor because if we put that heart into someone, they won't survive. Whatever made her sick will kill him.

House: Yeah. So what is it? Enzymes indicate--

Chase: You want us to do a differential diagnosis on a dead person?

House: We're going to cure her.

Cameron: We're going to cure death?

House: MWAHAHAHAHA. Doubt it. Just want to get the infection out of her heart before we get the heart out of her. The fever indicates an infection.

Foreman: She probably has Hep C and a bad case of the flu.

House: Let's assume, just for fun, that the answer is something that might be helpful.

Chase: Fever and belly pain. Could be a gall bladder infection.

House: Like that. Do an MRI, stat.

(Scene cuts to Chase, Foreman and Donald during the MRI)

Foreman: You really don't need to be here.

Donald: I assume House is a great doctor.

Chase: Why would you assume that?

Donald: Because when you're that big a jerk, you're either great or unemployed.

(Scene cuts to Ducklings walking with House down a corridor)

Chase: No sign of gall bladder infection, but there was a cyst.

Foreman: Perfectly round. Now Hep C would explain--

House: Question was never is it Hep C? Question was given that it's not Hep C, what is it?

Chase: Adenoma?

Cameron: [holding the MRI scans] Not solid enough.

Foreman: Cavernous hemangioma?

Cameron: Not vascular enough.

[they enter the clinic]

House: What if she was sloppy about washing her hands after pooping?

Foreman: [takes the scan from Cameron] Err... ameba infection?

House: The amebias started in her liver and spread to her blood, that would explain all her symptoms. Except for the crushed skull but I'm assuming that's from the car crash.

Chase: I'll start her on paromycin and chloroquine.

House: [taking a patient file] 10 grams each.

Chase: That's... 20 times the normal dose.

House: Right. So we'll destroy her retinas and damage her hearing. Whoever wants those parts is having a very bad day. Couple of hours on the meds and she'll be feeling great.

(Scene cuts to House in front of the exam room talking to that clinic patient again)

House: Got your labs. Do you eat guinea pigs?

Patient: No.

House: How about hamsters? Or mice? Humans?

Patient: What are you talking about? Is something wrong with me?

House: Absolutely nothing. Blood work is perfect. You got lots of vitamins, minerals, all kinds of proteins. Including a little something I like to call 'bovine serum albumin' which you get from eating the animals mentioned. Or cow. You don't really worship cows. So I have to wonder, what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical.

[Patient rushes to his jacket and takes out a photo from his wallet. It's a pretty sexy blond lady in a blue bikini]

House: [takes the photo] Nice.

Patient: It's my mom.

House: Well either that's a very old photograph or it's your step mom.

Patient: She goes around the house in a bikini. Or less. I... I can't stop thinking about her. My dad's in Europe. I... I'll be watching TV, she'll give me a massage, I can't walk for an hour.

House: Still. Cows.

Patient: She's my mother!

House: Step.

Patient: Please? I just need the medicine for 3 months until I graduate and I move out of the house. Please.

House: [takes out paper to write the prescription] You're not going to have any fun at graduation. [Patient sighs in relief]

(Scene cuts to House tossing the file on to the counter at the clinic. He pats Wilson's shoulder as Wilson sits there working)

House: Keep up the good work. [he walks around to the other side of the counter] Your shirt is ironed. That means you haven't told your wife anything.

Wilson: [stands up suddenly] Let's say you're right.

House: [halts on his way out of the clinic] You're saying I'm right?

Wilson: No. Let us say. [House starts walking back to Wilson] Does it occur to you that maybe there's some deeper guidance than keep your mouth shut? That maybe a friend might value concern over glibness? That maybe... [he rubs his upper lip nervously] maybe I'm going through something that I need to have an actual conversation about?

House: [is silent. His pager goes off] Does it occur to you that if you need that kind of a friend, that you may have made some deeper errors.

(Scene cuts to House walking into Laura's room)

Chase: Her heartbeat's irregular. Looks like global hypokinesis.

House: Stop the meds.

Donald: Are you giving up? House: Either we're wrong, and our heart is unusable, or we're right, but the treatment we have to give her will make her heart unusable. I'm sorry. You can pull the plug now. Find me another body. That fat guy on the other end of the service didn't look so hot.

Donald: No! She's not ready.

House: You were ready this morning.

Donald: She's not done. She's gotta save that guy.

(Scene cuts to Ducklings, Donald and House all surrounding Laura as they discuss the next diagnosis)

House: Alternate theories?

Chase: Amebiasis was our best hope. The fact that her heart rate went back to normal when we stopped the meds pretty much--

House: What's our second best hope?

Chase: House, we're down to one, there's no obstruction.

Foreman: Maybe we should just biopsy it.

House: She's a fridge with the power out. We start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offence.

Foreman: I don't see that we have a lot of choice. The only way we're going to find that infection--

Cameron: What if it's not an infection? Toxins can cause similar symptoms, especially if whatever it is did liver damage.

Donald: Her err... toxin screen was clean.

House: Those things never cover for any of the really cool toxins. [to Foreman] Run the screen again for... whatever you can think of. [to Chase] You keep the other patient alive, [to Cameron] you check out her school, and I seem to need to hire another doctor to go search her home. [to Donald] Come on.

(Scene cuts to House and Donald investigating the Neuberger's home)

Donald: If she was taking any medications, I'd know about it.

House: [inspects some stuff inside a cupboard] Does your wife dye her hair?

Donald: No. Her mom never went grey, she didn't either.

House: [takes out a bottle of hair dye and closes the cupboard] Guess this must be yours then. Can you think of anything else she might have lied to you about? Any drugs she "gave up" when she married you?

(Scene cuts to Chase inspecting Henry's lungs)

Chase: How are you feeling sir? [From lucid, Henry suddenly becomes unconscious] Mr Arrington? Mr Arrington? [monitors start beeping]

Amy: What's going on?

Chase: His heart's not pumping enough blood to his brain, we're going to have to give him some help. [to a nurse that's come in] Get the balloon ready.

(Scene cuts back to House and Donald inspecting the home)

House: Do you use this drawer?

Donald: No, that's for her vitamins.

House: [checks the bottles] And sleeping pills.

Donald: She never took sleeping pills.

House: Ok. [shows another bottle] You on a diet?

Donald: No. [sighs] I guess you never really know someone do you?

House: Quite the insight. She lied to you about her hair colour, and didn't want you to know she thought she was fat. Unless you never lied to her about anything that huge, I think you can probably let those slide.

(Scene cuts back to Foreman and House discussing the new find)

Foreman: Diet pills could have messed her up. Raised her liver enzymes and caused the belly ache.

House: But not the fever.

Foreman: Maybe something else set off the fever.

House: Like what?

[Cameron walks in]

Cameron: Before I show you these, they were in a locked drawer in her desk, the vice principal said that Laura must have confiscated them, they've had some problems--

House: [takes the photos from her and starts going through them] Neither interesting nor helpful. [until he finds photos of naked boys doing interesting things] This at least is interesting.

Foreman: [he passes one to Foreman] No it's not.

House: Sex with teenagers isn't interesting? Where did you grow up?

Foreman: It isn't helpful. Teenage boys aren't toxins.

House: [deep in thought] What if the cyst isn't a cyst?

Cameron: Then we have nothing to go on.

House: I said it's not a cyst, I didn't say it was nothing. What if it's a scar?

Foreman: Fitzhugh-Curtis syndrome? Pushing gonorrhea again?

House: You have anything better? Test her. Then start her on ceftriaxone.

(Cut to scene of Cameron taking out some more of Laura's blood for testing, Donald watches)

Donald: What are you testing for now?

Cameron: Just some more infections.

(Scene cuts to House in his office at night, standing and twirling his cane while gazing out the window)

Cameron: [walks in from next door] She's positive for gonorrhea!

House: I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.

Cameron: Meds are started. Her heart should be clear enough to use in about 4 or 5 hours. I'll go tell the families.

Chase: [walks in wearing scrubs and looking weary] He's in a coma.

House: Start him on dobutamine.

Chase: Already did. We either do the surgery now or we find him a new brain too.

Cameron: House, she's still got a significant amount of gonorrhea in her system.

House: [thinking for a moment] Hopefully tomorrow, it'll be in his system. [he picks up the phone and makes the call] I need two ORs and the transplant team.

(We watch a scene where the transplant team take both Laura and Henry's beds and quickly wheel them out. Amy and Donald are both confused but everyone's in too much of a rush to notice. They follow the beds)

[House walks out, followed by Cameron to watch the transplant team rush off with the patients]

Donald: I assume this means that you found out what was wrong with Laura?

[House stalls for time by pushing Donald to the side to allow another bed to be wheeled through, Cameron glances nervously at House]

House: She... had amebiasis. We just found a different way to get rid of it.

Donald: Thank you. [he walks off after the transplant team]

Cameron: That was kind of you.

House: I didn't want him going post-law on us. Soon as his wife's heart's in our hands, you can tell him about the gonorrhea. [Cameron gives him a look] He's gotta be tested. Preferably before he gets any sympathy sex.

(Scenes of the transplant team taking out Laura's heart and putting it into Henry.)

Doctor: Paddles. 50 joules. Charging. [There's a moment of anxiety as the paddles don't restart the heart. The doctor tries again] Charging. [the heart starts beating] Let's take him off bypass.

[Cameron and Donald, watching from the observation deck above look relieved, they stop watching the operation, Donald sits down]

Cameron: Mr Neuberger, there's something I need to tell you.

Donald: For the last err... year, or so... Laura was kind of distant with me. I don't know why. [Cameron tries to speak but is interrupted again] I thought... maybe she was having an affair, but not Laura. [Cameron looks sad] And I'm not excusing myself, but I was travelling during Christmas, I had a... I had a one-night-stand. I got gonorrhea.

Cameron: [looks shocked] Are you sure?

Donald: Yup. I should have said something to you. But I didn't want to believe that I gave it to her. That's what made her sick and... that... was why she got into the accident. [he starts to cry]

(Scene cuts to Henry waking up after the surgery, he sees an older woman, his ex-wife Cecile, and Amy)

Henry: Cecile? Am I dead?

Chase: Hopefully not for a long time.

Henry: Why are you here?

Cecile: Amy called me.

Amy: If you do mom again, you gotta wear a condom.

Chase: You're going to have gonorrhea in your system for a while.

[Henry looks confused but smiles at his family]

(Scene cuts to House's apartment at night, there's music playing, House is making a sandwich for himself in the kitchen when there's knocking at the door)

[House is wearing a pullover sweat shirt. He picks up his cane and limps over to the door. He opens it and Wilson is standing there. Wilson is wearing a shirt, a scarf and an overcoat. He also has a packed suitcase next to him]

Wilson: Could I stay with you for a few days?

House: You idiot. You told her.

Wilson: She told me. [House is stunned into silence] Things have been crappy at home lately, I figured I wasn't spending enough time with her. I figured... [angry sigh] Turns out you're right, it's always about sex. She's been having an affair.

[They stare at each other for a few seconds before House moves back and lets Wilson in]

House: Want a beer?

[Wilson smiles as he takes his briefcase and walks in and House shuts the door close behind him]

THE END