Season 3 X 24 : Human Error

Original Airdate: 5/15/2007

Written by: Lawrence Kaplow & Thomas L. Moran
Directed by: Katie Jacobs
Transcript by: Jenna

(Scene begins with Coast guards on a helicopter looking down. They're flying above the sea on a dark rainy night)

Rescuer1 (Fisher): Coming up to 50 feet.

Rescuer2: Roger that. We're light on fuel, 2 minutes to bingo.

[An obviously sick woman (Marina) loudly gasps for breath and shivers at the back of the helicopter]

Pilot: Come on, Fisher, we've got places to go, people to see.

Fisher: Working on it!

Pilot: So I've heard, what's taking so long?

[Down below a man is practically drowning under the waves but he is tightly gripping on to a plastic briefcase floating on top of the water]

Rescuer3: [in the sea with the man] Let go of the suitcase! Let go of the suitcase! You'll have to hold on to me!

Esteban: [says something in Spanish that translates to a refusal]

Rescuer3: Sir, whatever it is is not worth it.

Rescuer2: We're bingo fuel sir.

Pilot: Your hear that Fisher? Bingo. Keep it ____ and we'll handle it in both gears.

Fisher: I'll do that, sir.

Rescuer3: Ditch the damn luggage!

Esteban: [refuses again]

[Rescuer3 looks up and Fisher gives him a signal. Rescuer3 then approaches Esteban from behind and tries to haul him up. In the ensuing struggle under water, Esteban lets for of the suitcase and the rescuers finally manage to hoist Esteban and Rescuer3 up to the helicopter. Esteban looks back down in despair until he gets on to the helicopter and worriedly looks after his wife]

Esteban: Marina! [a conversation with her in Spanish, she smiles, he then turns around and scolds the rescuers]

Rescuer3: Tell him if he's so worried about his wife's clothes, he should have stayed in Cuba!

Esteban: [replies in Spanish]

Fisher: He says it wasn't her clothes; it was her medical records, that she's sick and needs to go home.

Esteban: No home, House! I need to see doctor House.


[OPENING CREDITS]


(Cuddy is in the lobby trying to phone House futilely as he doesn't seem to be picking up. Behind her, Esteban is looking forlornly at a sick Marina lying on a bed)

(Scene shift to the cafeteria where House's silenced phone is vibrating on the table next to his cup of coffee. He is pretending to read a paper while actually watching Foreman's farewell party on the other side of the room. He's disguised with a cap on his head)

[Wilson walks in immediately spotting House and walks up to him]

Wilson: You don't answer your phone anymore.

House: I'm world famous now, press won't leave me alone.

Wilson: It's Cuddy.

House: I know. If it was the press I'd be answering.

Wilson: And since you're not taking her calls, I am. Your patient's been waiting for hours.

House: She didn't book an appointment.

Wilson: No, she risked her life.

House: You don't reach terra firma, you don't get any milk or honey.

Wilson: The woman has 10 different things wrong with her, including pains all over her body. [sits down opposite House] Admittedly not as interesting as staring uselessly at Foreman.

House: You know why I find the goodbye party fascinating? [he puts away the paper and rubs his stubbled chin] Isn't it kind of insulting to celebrate when someone leaves you?

Wilson: What are you going to do to keep him?

House: Nothing.

Wilson: He really is going to leave, you know that right?

House: Yeah.

Wilson: So what are you going to do?

House: Nothing I can do. He doesn't want more money, better working conditions, doesn't even want a better job. He wants to not be me.

Wilson: Because he thinks you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone but yourself.

House: He's right. [bites into a bun]

Wilson: You need to show him that you really do care.

House: Don't. Foreman's not the only chocolate-covered cherry in the box.

Wilson: House, you play a guitar you got in 9th grade.

House: 8th.

Wilson: You're living in the same apartment for 15 years. You drive a 10-yr-old car, you are not good with change.

House: That used to be true, but I changed.

Wilson: He's not afraid to be you, he's afraid to be who he thinks you are. [He walks off and leaves House alone.]


(Cut to the conference room. Foreman is reading emails; Chase and Cameron are talking about the case in the background)

Chase: Rheumatic fever would explain the skin rash.

Cameron: Not the double vision or bloody urine.

Chase: They were lost at sea for 3 days; maybe dehydration caused the kidney problems.

[Foreman is laughing at his emails, House walks in]

Cameron: And the double vision?

Chase: Concussion during the shipwreck.

Foreman: It all fits as long as these symptoms started when you think it started.

House: This would be a lot easier if we had her medical records. Any of you certified deep sea divers?

Chase: She's from a dirt poor country in the tropics, infectious disease and parasites are the most likely cause of unexplained pain, fever and skin rash, we might as well start there.

House: [takes off his cap and puts it on a model of a brain] If there's one thing Castro knows is how to look great in green. [he gives pointed looks in Foreman's direction but the duckling has his back to the rest of the room and doesn't seem to see] And if there are two things Castro knows is how to look great in green and train doctors. Even without the medical records we can assume she was drowned in antibiotics before she risked drowning to see me.

Cameron: So what doesn't Castro know?

House: How to lay his hands on high-tech scanning equipment. [points to the list of symptoms on the board] Pain, double vision, point us towards the head. Cameron get an MRI, see what's cooking in the old cabeza. [she goes out to do as asked] Chase, check out the husband.

Chase: Why? He hasn't complained of any pain.

House: Basic math, take all her symptoms, subtract his sea symptoms, the remainder equals her original symptoms. [Chase walks out]

[House is left with Foreman who is still laughing at his emails; House gives him an awkward grimace-smile and walks out too]


(Esteban coughs, Chase is checking him out in another room)

Chase: You've pain?

Esteban: No, I'm just sunburned.

[Chase checks Esteban's eyes]

Chase: Any blurred vision?

Esteban: No. So my wife, she is with doctor House?

Chase: She is with another doctor who is part of doctor House's team.

Esteban: No, she's supposed to see doctor House. We have permission.

Chase: It's the way it works with doctor House.

Esteban: I came a thousand miles to see him!

Chase: He doesn't care. I'm sorry, but that's who he is, that's who you risked your life to see. And you made the right choice.


(Cameron in the MRI room with Marina)

[She hands Cameron a gold necklace]

Cameron: Any other metal? Must have been difficult on the boat. [She starts preparing Marina for the MRI]

Marina: When the storm came just... very much... I pray while my husband he um... [she says something in Spanish] with the paddles?

Cameron: You were on a boat without a motor?

Marina: No no, we start with the motor, but it break on the first night. My husband, he can fix anything. A washing machine, a car, a computer... but that stupid motor and me, these two he cannot fix.

Cameron: He got you to us.

Marina: He never gave up, no matter what happen, he kept saying to me don't worry, we will make it, I take care of you. He refuses to worry or pray, he believe if you don't have one, you don't need the other.


(Back in the conference room)

Chase: The husband has a pulled muscle in his shoulder but none of the pains or double vision. He does have a fever, fungal rash, cough and elevated bilirubin. Foreman's not going anywhere. [House turns around from checking something on the computer to face Chase]

House: He said that to you?

Chase: He doesn't really want to leave, and you don't really want to let him. You'll cave, just like you did with Cameron.

House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?

[Camera zooms to Cameron sitting on the other side of the long table looking a little miffed]

Cameron: I'm in the room.

Chase: He may not want a date but he does want... something.

House: Maybe it's something I can't offer.

Chase: Then you'll just lie.

House: He'd see through it.

Chase: Maybe. Or maybe he'll just see what he wants to see.

[Foreman walks in]

Foreman: She has MS. Explains the pain, the fatigue, double vision, kidney problems.

Chase: Her kidney problems aren't connected. Her husband has the same issues.

Foreman: It is possible for two people to have the same symptom for 2 different reasons.

Chase: If we're going to take that approach then we might as well just throw out everything we got from the husband and start over.

Foreman: We could do that, or we could do something productive, start her on interferon for the MS, see if she improves.

[They both turn to House; Chase has a mocking look for Foreman's suggestion on his face. House ponders]

House: I do like being productive. Well done, do it.

[Foreman walks out]

Chase: Well done? Is that what you think he wants? A pat on the head?

House: Go do your job.


(Foreman in the room with Esteban and Marina, he's preparing to put her on interferon)

Esteban: She does not have MS.

Foreman: I know it's not a pleasant diagnosis to hear-- [Marina is very distressed and crying]

Esteban: No, the doctors in Cuba would have found MS. [alarms start ringing] What's that?

Foreman: It's alright, the pulse oximeter just came off. [he clips it back on to her finger] Marina, you can't--

Marina: It hurts!

Esteban: The pain is getting worse, your treatment isn't working because it's not MS!

Foreman: Does this hurt? [he experimentally twists her arm and ends up breaking her wrist, she screams in pain]


(Close up on an x-ray of the broken wrist)

House: Wow. Well either Foreman's way stronger than he thinks he is or... [he turns around, the ducklings are silent] seriously or?

Cameron: She's too young for osteoporosis that severe.

Chase: And too old for osteogenesis imperfecta.

Foreman: Which leaves bone cancer.

Chase: Cancer's a long shot.

House: Why? Because metastatic tumours don't explain the abnormal MRI, kidney damage, cotton mouth, double vision? Oh wait, they do.

Chase: Infection could do all that too.

House: It's not an infection.

Chase: Because you know the non-existent medical records confirm that the brilliant doctors in Cuba treated her for infection? Or because you're trying to kiss up to Foreman?

House: Because an infection would cause a fever and the brilliant doctors who work in my office have already crossed that off the list because the husband--

Chase: You were the one who said that it's possible for 2 people to have the same symptom for 2 different reasons. [to Foreman]

Foreman: And you're the one who said if we do that, we might as well throw out everything we got from the husband.

Chase: Right, and then you said we should do something productive like breaking her arm?

House: Foreman didn't break her arm.

Chase: Of course he didn't.

House: Cancer did. Put her on a PET scan, see what else is breaking. [He prepares to walk out of the room]

Chase: This isn't going to work! He's not a moron, you can't just agree with everything he says for 2 days and hope he forgets the last 3 years and now actually hates you!

House: Anything else? When you get the results for the PET scan, let me know.



(Chase walks into House's office to have a private chat)

Chase: I don't really care if Foreman stays or goes but--

House: You're fired.

Chase: Wha... what because I yelled at you?

House: Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change.

Chase: [hesitates for a moment] Fine.

[He walks out still looking confused]


(In the MRI room)

Foreman: No tumours in her arm, sinovial membrane's working fine.

Cameron: No hotspots, no bone cancer. Maybe we should be looking for something else.

[Chase walks in wearing his street clothes, umbrella and bag]

Cameron: Is it raining out?

Chase: House fired me.

Foreman: What?

Cameron: Because you yelled at him?

Chase: Time for a change was the official explanation.

Cameron: It makes no sense.

Foreman: Since when does House make sense?

Cameron: He always makes sense.

Foreman: He's angry.

Cameron: Yes, it's all about you Foreman. He's upset you're leaving so he fires Chase.

Chase: Excuse me, by the humerus [he points to the results of a scan], she's got a hotspot.

[Cameron and Foreman look at it, then turn around to speak to Chase but he's already gone]


(Next scene, House is listening to Slippery When Wet by The Commodores while pretending to play guitar on his flaming cane and singing along - think of the air piano from S1, now we've got air guitar!)

[The 2 ducklings walk in, House switches off the music]

Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?

House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.

Foreman: Did you fire him for me?

House: Would you stay if I did?

Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?

Foreman: No!

House: Yes.

Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out? Kick the dog?

House: He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: [walks in] Why'd you fire Chase?

House: Do you know what's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: You two out. [they exit]

House: Woah, wait! What's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.

House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable. _____ you think they'd figure out somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans.

Wilson: [bursts in] What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?

House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan?

Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?

House: So that's a no?

Cuddy: Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.

House: [reluctantly picks up the phone and dials] Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back. [put the phone back down]

Wilson: Cut the crap.

Cuddy: Chase is a good doctor.

House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.

Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people.

House: [the phone rings] Hold that reprimand. [he picks up the phone] House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? [Wilson and Cuddy look on expectantly] Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [puts down the phone] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan revealed a blood clot in my patient's arm which means goodbye. Still got 2 people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]


(Foreman is speaking to Esteban)

Foreman: A clot means a heart problem, we have to do an emergency angiogram.

Esteban: But you know she has a blood clot.

Foreman: PET scan can't determine that with certainty.

Esteban: So you have no better idea what's wrong with her than when we first got here?

Foreman: We've ruled out MS.

Esteban: I told you it wasn't MS. Where is doctor House?

Foreman: Doctor House has left for the night; he'll be here in the morning to review the results if you sign the consent.

[Esteban signs]

Foreman: But you know, you could call him at home. He doesn't always pick up, so keep calling. [He writes down House's no. and gives it to Esteban]

Esteban: Thank you.


(At House's apartment, the house phone rings as he watches television, he ignores it and it goes to voice mail)

Esteban: Doctor House, it's Esteban Hernandez again, as soon as you get home it's very important you call me. [House is staring at an old acoustic guitar on the wall; probably the one Wilson mentioned earlier that he had since the 8th grade]

(We see Esteban kissing Marina on the forehead before she's wheeled into her angiogram, but the sound of House's home phone ringing again in the background and cutting to voicemail)

Esteban: Hello yes, doctor House, its Esteban Hernandez, as soon as you get home, if you can please call me?


(Scene cuts to Foreman and Cameron. Foreman's performing the angiogram on Marina, Cameron's sitting down and just watching him like she doesn't care)

Foreman: Catheter's in her femoral artery.

Cameron: Why are you telling me that?

Foreman: Because you're assisting.

Cameron: Do I look like I'm assisting?

Foreman: I had nothing to do with Chase's termination.

Marina: Is everything ok?

Foreman: You're doing fine, Marina. The dye will take a minute to work its way through your system.

Cameron: [finally gets up and walks to the table] Why would you tell House you're leaving because he's a jerk?

Foreman: Because it's the truth.

[The doors to the room suddenly open and House walks in]

House: Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?

Cameron: Why would you do that? You're not turning into House, you're worse than him.

Foreman: Let me get this straight, instead of picking up the phone and talking to a patient for 5 minutes, you gave up on sleep and you drove in here.

Marina: My chest. [she seems to have difficulty breathing and alarms start beeping]

Foreman: She's in v-tach.

House: What did you do?

Foreman: Nothing!

Cameron: You must have hit something, did you nick an artery?

Foreman: She has no pulse.

Marina: It hurts.

[House tries to feel for her pulse in her neck and looks shocked]

House: She has no pulse but she's talking. Cough.

[Marina coughs]

House: Cough again. Keep coughing, it'll push blood into your head, keep you conscious. [She obeys, Foreman is trying to help start her heart again through CPR] Push 1 mg epinephrine.

Marina: Will [cough] that [cough] help?

House: No, but it is amazingly cool.

[She drops into unconsciousness and Cameron brings an oxygen mask]

Cameron: We need to put her on bypass.

House: We need to keep her here, if this is a clot then forcing a bypass will blow it into her brain and kill her.

Cameron: If we continue CPR she'll lose blood flow which will cause brain damage.

House: What would cause the heart to stop? Let's assume it wasn't human error. [looks at Foreman]

Foreman: I didn't nick an artery, it just stopped.

House: Which is why I said assume.

Cameron: The only other option is electrical instability.

Foreman: No ST segment changes. We need to tell the husband.

House: Tell him what? We have no idea what happened. [he starts walking out of the room]

Cameron: House?

House: Keep going 'til I figure this out.

Cameron: House!!


(Next scene, Wilson is doing surgery with other doctors on a cancer patient)

Doctor: Geez, 47 I hope my colon looks better than this guy's. Isolating the first transverse...

[One of the screens filming the procedure is suddenly taken over by an image of House]

House: Help! I'm trapped inside a monitor!

[Everyone stops and turns around - House is lying on the operating table in the next OR videoing himself and sending the image to the TV in this OR]

Wilson: Not a good time, House.

House: My patient lost her heartbeat during a routine cardiac catheterisation so--

Wilson: Human error.

House: It's not human error.

Wilson: Electrical instability?

House: Pre-procedure EKG was normal, no syncope.

Wilson: Ischemia?

House: Foreman said no ST segment changes.

Wilson: Human error is the only other possible--

House: It's not human error.

Wilson: [he finally turns around to face House on the monitor] Of course it's human error, you don't want Foreman to have made a mistake because then you'd have to mock him, and that would put a crimp in your brilliant plan of keeping him by having a breakdown and firing Chase.

House: Did you just spin on the monitor? You know I can't see you. [Wilson turns back to the surgery looking perplexed] Human error would not explain her symptoms.

Wilson: You mean her heart stopping?

House: I mean her foot pain, her back pain...

Wilson: House, I'm busy. You have a team, run your differential with them.

House: Foreman and Cameron are doing CPR.

Wilson: Then you shouldn't have fired Chase. Change is fun huh?


(Scene changes back to the room where Marina had her angiogram. There are plenty of hospital stuff surrounding her now, all taking turns to give Marina CPR to keep her alive)

Foreman: 5, 6, 7, 8.

Cameron: Go! [Another nurse takes over to pump Marina's chest] Someone's got to talk to the husband; he thought this whole thing was going to last 45 minutes.

Foreman: Half an hour more of this, nothing to talk about, won't be able to bring her back. We gotta get her on bypass.

Nurse: [walks in] House still isn't answering his phone.

Foreman: [points to another nurse] You, get in here. [he swaps positions with the nurse and then walks out]


(Outside, Esteban is talking to another nurse)

Esteban: Excuse me, my wife was supposed to be back an hour ago.

Nurse: Soon as we know anything we'll call you.

Esteban: Thank you.


(At the lobby, Cuddy walks to the reception and signs something, surrounded by a group of med students she seems to be instructing)

Cuddy: Human behaviour finals will also get into clinical presentations of mania and we'll touch on _____ PET scans.

House: [from the balcony above] Excuse me, professor.

Cuddy: House, when we're done with our rounds-

House: My patient has no heartbeat. Stopped when we inserted a catheter during a routine angiogram. Anyone tells me why her heart stopped gets an A in doctor Cuddy's class.

Cuddy: [turns to the class] Anyone?

Student1: Human error?

House: Yeah, I'm polling first year medical students because I hadn't considered human error.

Student2: Marfan syndrome?

House: Structural abnormalities would show up on the echo, you get a C.

Student3: Botox injections.

House: F.

Student3: If the injection was tainted with live botulism, it'd fit.

House: B+. Unfortunately, she missed her last botox appointment due to a boating accident, but send me your resume.

Foreman: [walks up to House on the balcony] House, time's up.

House: [looks at Foreman who is drenched in sweat] Good lord, you smell like muskox.

Foreman: Either our patient goes on bypass or I call time of death.

Cuddy: Your patient isn't already on bypass?

House: I was worried about a clot.

Cuddy: How long?

Foreman: 3 hours!

Cuddy: House. Bypass, now.


(Esteban is sitting pensively in front of the cascading waterfall walls)

[Suddenly a set of doors burst open. A gurney with Marina on it is racing down the corridor. There are nurses surrounding the gurney and Foreman is kneeling on top of Marina continuing to do CPR)

Nurse: Clear the hall!

Esteban: Doctor Foreman! My wife? What is happening?!

Foreman: Her heart stopped, we have to get her on bypass.

Cameron: You need to wait outside!

[They burst through another set of doors leaving Esteban behind]


(Next scene, House is in his office playing catch with his ball, Esteban walks in)

Esteban: Doctor House?

House: You can vacuum later.

Esteban: I am not the janitor; I am Esteban Hernandez, what happened to my wife?

House: Her heart stopped.

Esteban: Why did her heart stop?

House: If I knew that, I'd be coming to you.

Esteban: Tell me where you take her. Tell me what has happen to her.

House: Happening. Present participle. Not a particularly interesting form of speech, kind of like of this conversation.

Esteban: But... I risk my life to see you. I look you up, you fix people. When everyone else gives up, you don't and now you insult me? Ignore my wife?

House: [takes a vicodin] Helps my process.

Esteban: No, you do not ignore my wife, ok? She is everything to me.

House: Well then you do not ignore your wife.

Esteban: You just sit here... you don't talk to people. How do you fix something if you don't look at it?

[House gives that a thought then grabs his cane and walks out of the room]


(In the OR where Marina is in surgery)

Surgeon: Turn on the bypass please. Good, good distal flow.

[House bursts into the OR not even wearing the scrubs properly.

House: Need to look at the heart.

Surgeon: Why?

House: Can't find my wallet. Pick it up, turn it over.

Surgeon: I don't see anything physically wrong with her heart. [He picks it up and turns it around, examining it]

House: Hearts don't stop for no reason.

Surgeon: Ok, take your look. [House takes a closer look] Do you see anything wrong?

House: Give her a jump start.

[A nurse passes the surgeon the paddles]

Surgeon: Clear. [the jolt is delivered to her heart, but she is still flat lining] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt]

House: And again,

Surgeon: Clear. [and another jolt] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt, all of which have had no effect on the flat lining heart]

House: Again.

Surgeon: Yeah, 7th time is the charm. [he hands the paddles back to the nurse] Sorry, I'll keep her on bypass until the husband has a chance to say goodbye.

House: I'm not telling her husband anything until I can tell him why his wife--

Surgeon: Doesn't matter, the heart can't start. She's dead.


(Cut to Foreman in the conference room putting his stuff into boxes)

[Cameron enters with a present]

Cameron: I got you something.

[Foreman unwraps it to find a framed page of the Midwest Journal of Experimental Medicine where Foreman's article on Andie's "autopsy" (the girl from 2.02 Autopsy) and which Foreman and Cameron argued on both writing up (in 2.18 Sleeping Dogs Lie) has been highlighted to show his achievement]

Cameron: I'll miss you. I know you won't miss me but I just thought it'd be nice for you to have that.

Foreman: [gets up] I will miss you. [he hugs her]

House: [walks in] Can I have a hug too? Surgeon found nothing, can't start her heart. [looks at the present] What a thoughtful gift. Nice reminder of intellectual theft to hang at your new place of employment. You two can go, say hi to Chase for me. [He looks at Cameron] You're wearing lipstick.

Cameron: We can stay. We can run another differential.

House: You two have no theories about why the heart stopped. Which means I don't need you, go.

Foreman: It's too late for theories; we need to tell the husband.

House: Tell him what?

Foreman: That it's over.

House: Why?

Cameron: Because her heart won't start!

House: How can we tell him there's no hope if we don't know why there's no hope? He's not going to pull the plug on his wife, he risked his life to get her to me. If he pulls the plug it means he's failed.

Foreman: If he pulls the plug it means you failed.

House: And you're ok with that? Go.

[the ducklings leave]


(At a bar/restaurant, Chase is having dinner alone, Cameron walks in and sits next to him)

Cameron: Hey.

Chase: Hey. You look great.

Cameron: You know House firing you has nothing to do with you?

Chase: The why doesn't matter.

Cameron: Foreman will end up staying and House will call you and probably yell at you for not showing up.

Chase: Its... its okay. He's right; it's time for a change. You were right too, the whole it's Tuesday I like you... it was silly. Oh, don't give me that look, don't feel sorry for me. Getting this job was THE best thing that has ever happened to me, everything about it. And losing it? Well I... think it's... gonna be good too.

Cameron: I'll miss you.

Chase: Have you got time for a drink or something?

Cameron: I think I should go.

Chase: [shrugs] Yeah.


(That night - in Marina's room, the bypass machines keep going, cut to another room where Esteban is sitting alone holding a white flower in his hand, cut to the next room where House is staring at the whiteboard in his office)

Cuddy: [walks in] How's it going?

House: The way the security light hits your legs... looks good.

Cuddy: Thank you.

House: If you're here to yell at me about the Foreman-Chase situation, it can wait.

Cuddy: When do you plan on telling the husband it's time to say goodbye to his wife?

House: Haven't put a clock on it.

Cuddy: Other than your curiosity, do you have any reason to keep her on bypass?

House: Patient's husband prefers her not dead.

Cuddy: Well you're on a storybook ending for the young man who crossed the ocean for his wife.

House: This is not an act, I don't care if--

Cuddy: Then pull the plug.

House: What if I can fix it? Maybe I just don't know it yet.

Cuddy: I know you care--

House: I don't care. I really don't care. My motives are pure - if we do an autopsy, you'll see... oops... if I'd thought of that crazy idea, we could have saved her. And then the husband might be upset.

Cuddy: You've done all you can do. It's time to let go. [she walks out]


(Esteban is crying and praying by candlelight in the chapel)

[House walks in and joins him]

House: I was told you didn't believe in God.

Esteban: I don't. I promised my wife I do everything I can to fix her, if I don't pray, then I don't do everything.

House: It's not working, she's not coming back. If you want to say goodbye, come down to the ICU, then I'll take her off bypass. I'm sorry, I should've-- [Esteban turns to House and clings to him for comfort as he cries]


(Back in Marina's room later, Esteban is saying goodbye to his wife)

Esteban: Marina, I am so sorry. [he strokes her arm lovingly] When you turn the machine off, that's it?

House: [nods] Yeah.

Esteban: Right now is her brain working?

House: Probably. Just not her heart.

Esteban: She seems like she's just sleeping.

House: She's not sleeping, we double-checked.

[Esteban quietly nods and House slowly turns off the bypass machines button-by-button]

Esteban: [says something in Spanish and kisses Marina's forehead, then puts his head on her chest as he cries]

[Suddenly he gets up]

Esteban: Her heart... beat.

House: No, it's residual flow from the bypass.

Esteban: No, I can feel it, look.

[He takes House's hand and puts it on his wife's chest above her heart. House is startled and turns on the heart monitor which shows Marina's heart to be beating normally]

Esteban: That is her heart, no?

House: QRST wave, that's a normal normal.

[Marina wakes up]

Marina: [something in Spanish]

Esteban: Marina.

House: Holy crap.

Marina: Is this heaven?

House: No, it's New Jersey.

Esteban: God send you back to me. [he kisses her again] It's a miracle.

[House looks up at the ceiling with a look of "why, god?" on his face]


(Next scene, Esteban is helping Marina to drink by giving her an ice cube to suck, cut to House and Cameron in the conference room)

House: It's impossible.

Cameron: Apparently not.

House: Live hearts don't stop for no reason. Dead hearts don't start for no reason.

Cameron: Apparently they do.

Foreman: [walks in] She's 3 hours off bypass and still stable. And the pain is gone.

House: No it's not.

Cameron: You think she's lying about feeling better?

House: Just 'coz it's not there now doesn't mean it’s gone.

Foreman: Just because it was there before doesn't mean it's coming back. Chase was probably right, she had some sort of tropical infection that cleared when we put her on antibiotics during the bypass.

House: Antibiotics did not bring her back to life.

Cameron: Other than a miracle, it's the only explanation for her symptoms.

House: How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped? What if it wasn't human error? What if it was God's error? A congenital defect in an artery making it susceptible to inflammation. We need to do another angiogram.

Cameron: We've looked at her heart a hundred different ways, there was no evidence--

House: The one time we looked inside her heart we stopped before we could see anything.

Foreman: Because it stopped.


(House walks into Marina and Esteban's room)

House: Good news, we think we know what the problem is.

Esteban: You mean was.

House: Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart.

Marina: [asks something in Spanish]

House: In case no one's filled you in, today is Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back it can get serious. I need to do another angiogram.

Esteban: Wait, wasn't that what caused her heart to stop before?

House: No, God caused that. He's all powerful you know.

Marina: [agrees in Spanish] He was watching over us in the ocean and he's watching over us now.

House: Your rescuers didn't have wings, they had a helicopter.

Marina: ______

House: You know how many little boys are praying for jet packs? How many priests are paying for... uhh, that one actually works.

Marina: You didn't bring me back to him

House: I'm not going to take you away from him but if we don't do this test, God will.

Esteban: You said there was no chance, no hope, which means--

House: Which means I was wrong. But I'm wrong all the time, my mistakes don't prove there's a God. You came a long way to see me, you going to put her life in God's hands or in mine?


(Back in that room, House is now performing the angiogram on Marina)

House: Ready?

[Marina raises her head, Esteban is watching the procedure from an upper deck window, they smile at each other]

House: [to Esteban] I better not see you praying! I don't want to have to fight for credit on this. Exiting the femoral, entering the aortic arch.

Foreman: This is where--

House: Where we stopped to have a picnic last week.

[alarms start beeping]

Cameron: Her blood pressure's rising.

House: Mine's rising too, 'course I am doing battle with a deity. [continues to concentrate on the procedure] In the heart, injecting the dye.

Cameron: Right coronary flow isn't obstructed, left coronary flow looks normal.

Foreman: Looks like you're wrong.

House: Either I'm right, or this test is about to go very bad.

[They continue to intensely watch the screen]

Cameron: What's that?

House: She has one... two... third ostium. How many is she supposed to have? [turns to Marina] Dos. [That's two in Spanish] All the third one's doing is causing inflammation, throwing off clots, giving away the angiogram. No human would screw up that big! [he directs that at Esteban] Don't worry, just one more surgery and you'll be fine.

Marina: Thank god.

House: [in jest at another reference to thanking god] Don't make me slap you. [Marina laughs, Esteban looks relieved]


(Monday night, Cameron is waiting outside Chase's door when he opens it)

Chase: Hi.

Cameron: Its Tuesday.

Chase: Uhh... no, it’s Monday.

Cameron: I know, it's just... I didn't feel like waiting.

[they smile at each other and share a kiss]


(In the staff room at the hospital, House is preparing some sandwiches)

Wilson: [enters] I hear you got another satisfied customer.

House: One more and I get a set of steak knives.

[Foreman walks out from the lockers in a suit and carrying a couple of bags of his stuff, there's an awkward silence between the 3 men]

Foreman: [shrugs] Well, this is it. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me.

House: Didn't do it for you, not sure you were the best guy for the job.

Foreman: Thanks, I guess.

House: Which is why I want you to stay. You're an important part of the team, I need you.

[Wilson looks back and forth between House and Foreman]

Foreman: I know. But I don't need you, and I definitely don't want to be you. You're miserable.

House: I just solved a case by predicting a never before seen heart defect, a case you couldn't solve, a case you gave up on; I couldn't be happier.

Foreman: For 2 minutes maybe, until the next case comes along, until you're jonesing for your next fix. This woman talks while in full cardiac arrest and you're more excited about the talking than the heart dying.

House: The two were connected.

Foreman: I don't want to solve cases, I want to save lives.

House: Do you think she cares? Do you think the husband cares? Do you think the children she can now have because of me are going to care why I saved her?

Foreman: I care.

House: About yourself. About your own ego!

Wilson: [warningly] House.

House: You're the selfish bastard, not me. It's why you took so much pleasure in drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last 3 weeks, wasn't for me, wasn't for anyone, sure as hell didn't help anyone.

[Foreman smiles a knowingly smug smile and then walks out without a word]

Wilson: Nice try.

House: Nice tries are worthless.


(House's office, Cameron is waiting in his chair when he walks in)

House: You now have a bigger office than I do, why don't you go enjoy it.

[Cameron hands him a folded letter]

House: Better be naked pictures.

Cameron: My resignation letter.

[House looks surprised at first but seems resigned as he puts the letter down]

Cameron: I've gotten all I can from this job.

House: What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologise? Beg Chase to come back?

Cameron: No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

[she walks out]


(House smokes Cuban cigars with Esteban in the room adjoining Marina's - not sure how that happens since I'm pretty sure they must have smoke detectors)

House: Genuine American cigars, you guys can't get them in Cuba, one hundred percent healthy.

Esteban: [pours a drink and passes it to him] Shouldn't you go home?

House: Patient follow-up, very important.

[They clink glasses and drink while watching Marina]

House: She looks great, like she's sleeping.

Esteban: She is sleeping, I double-check. So, they all quit.

House: Two of them quit, I fired the third.

Esteban: It's very hard to lose your people. Must be very upset.

House: Yeah, I must be.

Esteban: But you're not.

House: I don't think I am. I think I'm okay.

Esteban: What are you going to do?

House: God only knows.


(Back at 221B Baker Street)

[House arrives home, discovers a huge box waiting for him, inspects it and smiles. He drags it into his apartment and takes out the contents - a brand new guitar. He takes down the 8th grade guitar off the wall as that is now to be the space taken up by his new guitar, a sign of the changes he's willing to make and accept. The episode ends with House playing his new guitar.]

Season 3 X 23 : The Jerk

Original Airdate: 5/15/2007

Written by: Leonard Dick
Directed by: Daniel Sackheim
Transcript by: Rahul

[Auditorium. Day. Focus on a chess clock. A hand slaps the clock and then moves a white pawn on the chessboard. Almost immediately, another hand slaps the clock and moves his black piece forward (diagonally in front of the white pawn). Slap. White pawn takes black pawn. The camera moves upwards, showing a Speed Chess Tournament in progress. Three rows of chessboards (mounted on tables), proctors' table in front. Players move fast and slap their clocks. In the midst of the players is Nate Harrison, 16, chess prodigy (playing white). He plays with an older player (lets call him Ben), taunting his every move.]

NATE: So you want me to explain how you just lost?

[Ben looks up, smiling humourlessly.]

NATE: Or do you wanna stare at the board your full... [checks the clock] three minutes? Cling to hope?

[Ben slowly places his fingers on a black pawn. Nate smirks and sits back, acting bored.]

NATE: C'mon. It's called speed chess.

[Ben has had just about enough. The two of them start giving new meaning to speed chess.
Black pawn takes white pawn. Slap.
Nate moves his bishop. Slap.
Black knight takes white bishop. Slap.
White rook takes black knight. Slap.
Ben moves his king. Slap.
Nate moves his rook. Slap.
Black king takes white queen. Slap.
Nate moves his rook in line with the black king. Slap.
Ben takes the rook. Slap.
Nate moves a pawn (three in a row). Slap.
Nate looks at Ben, who seems unsure now. Nate exhales sharply through his mouth.
Ben moves his king. Slap.
Nate rests his head on his hand and looks at Ben, a snide grin on his face.]

NATE: [singing quietly] Na-na na-na... na-na na-na... hey-hey-hey...

[He slowly moves his knight. Ben looks panicked. Nate looks up at him as he finishes singing.]

NATE: [singing] ... good-bye.

Nate taps his knight on the black knight in front of the king. Ben knows it's over. Nate slaps the white knight to the side of the black knight, effectively checkmating Ben. He slaps the clock with finality. With a pursed grin, he sits back. Ben looks, almost desperately, for any opening. He sees none. Finally, with a sporting grin and nod, he places his finger on his king and lays it down. Nate raises his hands in victory and sighs. Ben stands and holds out his hand to Nate.]

BEN: Good game.

[Nate doesn't seem to be very interested in this sporting gesture right now. He grimaces tightly. Ben looks around, bemused, and then back at Nate.]

BEN: [persisting] I said "good game".

[Nate, his head still lowered, still grimacing tightly, stands. He winces sharply in pain. Ben still stands, hand held out. Nate looks up at Ben, an enraged look on his face. He grabs the chess clock and swings it at Ben's face. WHAM!! The clock smashes into Ben's face, knocking him to the ground. The other people immediately turn to look, proctors running over to help. Nate jumps over the table and strikes Ben again in the head, multiple times. Screams are heard. Ben's face is covered in his blood; Nate's, however, is covered with uncontrolled rage. The proctors come running to rescue Ben.]

PROCTOR: Hey! Hey!

[Nate keeps hammering away on the unconscious Ben. As he's about to strike again, a proctor comes running up from behind and grabs his hand, yanking away the clock.]

PROCTOR: Stop it! Stop that!

[He throws the bloody clock to the floor. Three others join in and drag a struggling Nate away from the profusely-bleeding Ben.]

PROCTOR: Back away from him! Back away!

[A female proctor comes over to check up on Ben. She removes her sweater and applies it to Ben's face. She seems appalled at the sight. The proctors push Nate down near the proctor's table. Nate grasps his head in agony.]

FEMALE PROCTOR: [trying not to panic] Call nine-one-one! Get an ambulance!

[A proctor crouches next to Nate, who is holding his head and squirming on the floor.]

PROCTOR: Tell them to send two!

NATE: [through clenched teeth] My head's gonna explode! [cries out] Aaaah!


HARD CUT TO:

[Opening credits.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Nate's room. Nate is lying in his bed, still holding his head, but in much less pain than before. His mother, Enid Harrison, stands nearby, while Chase looks through an illuminated magnifying glass into Nate's eyes.]

CHASE: Your head still hurt?

NICK: You a moron?

[Chase looks at Nate in surprise.]

ENID: [admonishing] Nate.

NATE: I'm clutching my head in pain, and he asks if it hurts? [to Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have theme birthday parties.

[Chase hardly looks flattered.]

ENID: [to Chase, sheepishly] Sorry.

CHASE: [staying professional] Any problems concentrating in school lately?

NATE: Uh, besides the dreams of running my tongue along my French teacher's breasts? No, I'm doing quite great.

[Chase wonders at the kid's irreverence.]

CHASE: The rage and pain could be caused by a parasite. Does he eat a lot of sushi?

ENID: No. Uh, he was a vegetarian until just a few months ago.

CHASE: Any changes in behaviour since the new diet?

ENID: [sadly] No. He's been this way since he became a teenager. It doesn't matter how much I yell or punish, he's still gonna say...

NATE: [mock-crying] Yeah, let's all shed a tear for poor little Nate's mother. [mock-cries a little more, stops] Any more stupid questions?

ENID: Nate!

[Chase looks like he's ready to deck the little punk.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostics Office. The Ducklings and House are present. Chase angrily writes "RAGE" on the whiteboard.]

CHASE: I hate this... kid.

HOUSE: I like this kid.

CHASE: You haven't met him.

HOUSE: I know you hate him. What more do I need to know? [addressing everyone] The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get into a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.

CAMERON: Pain's not limited to his head.

CHASE: The rest is bumps and bruises accounted for by the seventeen fights he's been in this semester.

CAMERON: Concussion?

CHASE: MRI was clean. No frontal lobe tumor. And the tox screen showed no trace of coke or amphetamines.

FOREMAN: Nate went medieval on the other kid. Could be...

HOUSE: Hold on. [closing his eyes] I'm having a moment. This... [imitates choking back a sob] this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.

[Cameron finds the joke funny enough to smile at.]

FOREMAN: Which could create excess adrenaline. Causes the head pain and rage.

HOUSE: But not the personality disorder.

FOREMAN: There is no personality disorder. He's a teenager.

HOUSE: Being a teenager excuses the odd inappropriate comment. This kid say anything appropriate?
[announcing] He's having cluster headaches. Probably been having them for years. Question is, what's causing them?

FOREMAN: If it were just a cluster headache, he'd have swelling around the eyes.

[House starts writing "PERSONALITY" on the whiteboard.]

HOUSE: ER gave him ibuprofen for the pain. Useless for this pain. It could have knocked down the swelling. Best bet is a vascular problem.

CAMERON: [reads a file] Normal treatment for cluster headaches is steroids, which the ER also gave him. He's still in pain. Which means...

HOUSE: [turns around] Normal treatment is called normal treatment because sometimes you have to use abnormal treatment. Start him on blood thinners and give his noggin Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.

[The Ducklings start to get up.]

HOUSE: Don't you dare... touch that acerbic wit.

[He goes into his office.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Outside Diagnostics Office/Hallway (continuous). The Ducklings walk out of the office, heading for the elevator.]

CHASE: Fifty bucks to whichever of you steps up and treats this brat.

CAMERON: Not the kid's fault, he's sick.

CHASE: Fine! You do it.

CAMERON: [turns, smiling] No way. He's your brat.

FOREMAN: I'll do it. But I've got a job interview after work. Anything comes up later, you guys handle it.

CAMERON: [supportive] Need a peer recommendation?

FOREMAN: Thanks.

[He looks at Chase for a similar gesture.]

CHASE: Cameron's should suffice.

[With a pout, he walks off. Foreman looks at Cameron. She shrugs, smiling, and follows Chase into the elevator. Foreman shakes his head and walks off-screen.]


CUT TO:

[TMS Room. Foreman administers TMS to Nate. He holds a plastic handheld console over Nate's head, while looking in the monitors at the results.]

NATE: This isn't gonna turn me into some, like, drooling vegetable wets his pants, is it?

FOREMAN: It's safe. The magnetic pulses activate nerve cells which will hopefully squelch the head pain.

NATE: Is there anything you can do about the other pain?

FOREMAN: From the fights?

NATE: Yeah, I mean, my face, my shoulder, my stomach. I can barely bend my fingers.

FOREMAN: You're already on pain meds. Nothing more I can do.

NATE: Sure you can, man. Tell your [pounds his chest lightly] homies to quit stomping on me!

FOREMAN: [smirking] I'll get the word out that you're a great guy.

NATE: [looking at Foreman] So, do people watch what they say around you?

FOREMAN: Because I'm black?

NATE: [laughs] No, because you're gay.

[Foreman lowers the console and looks at Nate, having pretty much the same thoughts Chase had previously towards him.]


CUT TO:

[Outside TMS Room. Enid watches the procedure, while Chase explains it to her.]

CHASE: Cluster headaches can persist for years, cause irritability or even hostility towards others.

ENID: You mean, the illness is affecting his personality?

CHASE: If these treatments work, it could...

ENID: ... change him?

CHASE: Yeah.

ENID: [tears of joy] Oh, thank God.

[Chase seems surprised.]

ENID: [looking at him] Oh. Oh, you must think I'm awful. Here, my son's lying in a hospital bed and...

CHASE: [understanding] I-I'm pretty sure I get it.

ENID: [shrugging] I thought I was a bad mother. And I hated myself. Because I hated him.

[Off Chase, we...]


CUT TO:

[Aerial View of PPTH. Day.]

HOUSE: [vo] What do you got for me this...

CUT TO:

[PPTH Diagnostics Office. House enters, wearing his jacket, bag around his shoulder and his Bitchin' Cane in his hand. The Ducklings are already there.]

HOUSE: ... fine morning?

CHASE: Blood thinners and TMS had no effect. It's not cluster headaches.

HOUSE: You accusing the symptoms of lying?

[He goes to the pantry. In the foreground, Foreman stands, not looking particularly cheerful.]

CAMERON: Could be hemochromatosis.

HOUSE: Wouldn't account for the personality disorder.

[House looks at Foreman (at his right, facing away from him), noticing the sour face.]

CAMERON: What about hypothyroidism?

HOUSE: He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver.

CAMERON: What about ruptured dermoid cyst?

[House feigns staggering backwards.]

HOUSE: Sorry. Just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. It's Foreman's turn to be shot down.

FOREMAN: [hardly amused] The thing that Cameron said.

HOUSE: Way to think outside the box.

[Cameron and Chase exchange "huh?" looks.]

HOUSE: But no fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches.

CHASE: Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work.

HOUSE: Good point, Foreman!

[Foreman stands quietly, arms folded.]

HOUSE: The treatments don't always work. Symptoms never lie.

[He takes a swig of "ONS" Energy Drink.]

CAMERON: The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery. And that's not even a guarantee.

HOUSE: [shouting into Foreman's ear] Back off, Foreman!

[Foreman doesn't even react. Cameron looks really baffled and looks at a similarly clueless Chase.]

HOUSE: If the approved treatment doesn't work, we go with an unapproved treatment.

[He limps off. Foreman looks at him and follows, still angry.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Outside Diagnostics Office, continuous. Foreman strides up to House.]

FOREMAN: Hey!

[House turns and keeps limping towards the elevator.]

HOUSE: Something on your mind?

[House hits the elevator button.]

HOUSE: Because you totally can't tell.

FOREMAN: I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday.

HOUSE: Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling.

FOREMAN: [mad] Didn't happen, because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have neurological issue?

HOUSE: Yes.

[The elevator dings and the doors open. Two other people are already on it.]

FOREMAN: [shouting] Why are you jerking me around?

HOUSE: It wasn't me.

[He enters the elevator.]

FOREMAN: Yeah! It was one of the other petty, socially repressed asses I work for.

[He joins House in the elevator.]

HOUSE: Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher.

[The elevator doors close.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH Lobby. House and Foreman make way for the other passengers to get off the elevator and walk off themselves.]

FOREMAN: If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay.

HOUSE: Would it matter?

FOREMAN: No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it.

HOUSE: If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it?

[Foreman, at the end of his rope, stops. House turns to face him.]

FOREMAN: I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases! Scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future.

HOUSE: You're gonna be all whiny during the differential diagnoses, aren't you?

[Foreman sighs in frustration and starts to walk away.]

HOUSE: [calling after him] It wasn't me.

[Foreman turns.]

HOUSE: I only sabotage people I consider worth it.

[Foreman walks away, not feeling any better. House thinks about it and has a thought. He turns and walks towards the clinic.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Cuddy's Office. Cuddy is at a desk near the door, with Nurse Unger (holding a file) hovering over her shoulder. House enters.]

HOUSE: [dramatically, pointing his cane at her] You are one evil,... cunning woman. It's a massive turn-on.

[Cuddy almost seems flattered, though she seems to have no idea what he's talking about.]

HOUSE: You girls can gossip later.

CUDDY: What are you talking about?

HOUSE: [takes a seat] You called New York Mercy to have Foreman's job interview killed.

[Cuddy seems genuinely surprised.]

HOUSE: [to Nurse Unger] When I said, "You girls can gossip later," I was throwing you out, but in a polite way.

[Nurse Unger grabs her files from Cuddy and leaves.]

CUDDY: Well, I take it you're off your antidepressants.

HOUSE: Ah, you're deflecting. Only I'm allowed to do that. [drinks his energy drink]

CUDDY: Does Foreman actually think I did that?

HOUSE: No, just me. But I know something he doesn't. I didn't do it.

CUDDY: Why would I do it?

HOUSE: Do you want him to leave?

CUDDY: No.

HOUSE: Were you planning on doing something?

CUDDY: I'm waiting for board approval.

HOUSE: But if he takes the job, there's nothing to be done. You had to stop him.

[She gets up from the smaller desk, files in hand, and walks towards her larger desk.]

CUDDY: Wasn't me.

[She places the files on a cabinet and starts to go through them, when she becomes aware of House standing behind her, at almost an arm's distance. Amused, she turns to face him.]

CUDDY: What are you doing?

HOUSE: Looking for a tell. Rapid eye blink, twitch of the lips.

CUDDY: [ushering him out] Send in Nurse Unger when you pass her on your way out.

[House stops near the door.]

HOUSE: Oh! Almost forgot. I need to give a sixteen-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?

CUDDY: [deadpan] Yeah, no problem.

[House nods and walks out. Cuddy looks fearfully at House leaving, suddenly coming to the realisation that sarcasm with House isn't the best idea. She races out after him.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Lobby. Cuddy catches up with House.]

CUDDY: I was being sarcastic.

[House turns and keeps walking. Cuddy walks with him, towards the elevator.]

HOUSE: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript. Mushrooms have psilocybins that work on cluster headaches. It's either that or cutting into his brain and going on a fishing expedition.

[They stop at the elevator.]

CUDDY: I assume you've considered he could have a psychogenic experience. Possibly suffer a fit of severe paranoia.

HOUSE: [pretends to think] Well, I have now. Yeah, it's definitely better that the Dean of Medicine prescribes it instead of an unhinged doctor with a history of drug use. Takes the stink off if the patient decides to put on a cape and fly off the roof.

[He takes a sip of his energy drink.]

CUDDY: Low dose. No more than ten milligrams. Tightly controlled setting.

[The elevator dings, door opens.]

CUDDY: And make sure the mother signs off on it.

HOUSE: Party on, Garth. And don't stand in Foreman's way. It's just wrong.

[Cuddy smiles at him, eyes closed. The elevator door closes.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Nate's room. Chase and Cameron stand at the door with Enid, who goes through a consent form, while Nate lies in bed, still holding his head with his left hand, able to hear them.]

CHASE: New research shows that a chemical component in the mushrooms can be...

NATE: [interrupting] Yeah, lots of technical medical stuff. So, when do I get 'em?

ENID: I went to college. I know about mushrooms. A friend of a friend shot himself in the foot.

NATE: [sighs in exasperation] They're not giving me a gun, Enid! Sign the consent form.

CHASE: We'll be monitoring him, but cardiac arrest is possible.

NATE: [air-writing] Big E... small N...

ENID: [apprehensive] And if... the mushrooms don't work?

[In frustration, Nate puts both hands to his head.]

CAMERON: The next step would be a type of brain surgery.

ENID: Oh, God.

NATE: Pain's gettin' worse! Need... 'shrooms... now!

[Enid signs.]

CUE MUSIC: Iron Butterfly's "In-a-gadda-da-vida"


CUT TO:

[Nate's room, later. Safe to assume Nate got his 'shrooms. The camera rotates slowly as it zooms downward towards Nate's face as the music plays. He opens his eyes, a wasted smile on his face.]

NATE: Oh, yeah.

[Chase and Cameron stand in front of his bed.]

CHASE: Nate, how's the pain?

NATE: Hey, hey!

[NATE'S POV: Psychedelically-coloured double-vision of Chase and Cameron.]

NATE: It's Skippy, the bush kangaroo!

[Chase, of course, doesn't seem too flattered. Cameron seems to find it funny.]

CHASE: Your head, Nate. We need to know how the pain is.

NATE: [drawling] What I got here... is the opposite of pain.

CAMERON: That means you're suffering from cluster headaches. Which means, hopefully...

[NATE'S POV: He looks at Cameron.]

NATE: [laughs] Man, you're hot! [to Chase, wide-eyed] She's making me horny.

CHASE: Deal with it.

NATE: Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't get me stoned, then not close the deal.

CHASE: [under his breath] Shut up.

CAMERON: [whispering to Chase] Take it easy. He's not well.

NATE: [laughs] You'll regret saying no. Check it out.

[He opens his gown, exposing himself to them. Cameron recoils, while Chase moves to cover him up.]

CHASE: [in disgust] Oh, for God's sake.

[Nate laughs. Cameron takes a look, but sees something (medically!!) interesting.]

CAMERON: Hold it.

[She holds Nate's gown open, looking at his groin.]

CHASE: What're you doing?

[She looks closer, while Nate sighs in satisfaction.]


CUT TO;

[PPTH, Nurse's Station/Hallway. Cameron bends over the 'station, while Chase stands nearby.]

CAMERON: He has undersized testes.

[House jerks up from underneath the counter.]

CAMERON: His other secondary sexual characteristics are normal.

HOUSE: If you wanna curry favor with me, avoid discussions of other men's testicles.

[A nurse testily holds a fifty-cent coin in front of him (obviously that's what he was looking for). Cameron raises her eyebrows. House looks sheepish.]

HOUSE: [to the nurse] Thanks. [to Cameron] Focus on phrases like "You were right about the cluster headaches."

[They walk away from the nurse's station and roam the hallways.]

CHASE: But wrong about what caused them. Vascular problem in a major artery wouldn't cause hypogonadism.

HOUSE: Okay, what causes rage, headaches, personality disorder and hypogonadism?

CAMERON: [looking around] Where's Foreman?

HOUSE: He's mad at me.

CAMERON: Why?

HOUSE: No reason.

CHASE: [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense.

HOUSE: Male genitals are controlled by the hypothalamus and pituitary gland. We're not talking about Foreman anymore.

CAMERON: The kid's being pummeled at school. A couple blows to the head could cause hypothalamic lesions. We ever gonna talk about what happens when Foreman's gone?

HOUSE: If this were an employee-owned airline in Scandinavia, yes. It's not lesions. His temperature would be all over the map. Symptoms don't lie.

CAMERON: [re: Foreman] He's gone in less than a week and you haven't even read a résumé?

[They stop at the elevator.]

CHASE: Doesn't even need to. The two of us can handle it. Craniopharyngioma fits the symptoms.

[The elevator dings, door opens.]

HOUSE: [jerks a nod] Biopsy the brat's pituitary. [enters the elevator] And let the record show I was right about the cluster headaches.

[Elevator door closes.]


CUT TO:

[Nate's Room. Cameron and Chase speak to a now-sober Nate (seated in bed) and Enid about the procedure.]

NATE: Forget it!

CAMERON: It's a straightforward procedure. We thread an endoscopic tube through the nostril...

NATE: And cut something out of my brain? No way.

CAMERON: If it's a tumor, it could kill you.

NATE: Just give me more 'shrooms, okay? I'll be fine.

ENID: You only need my consent, right?

CHASE: Yeah, but it'll be a lot easier if he...

ENID: [interrupting] Do whatever you have to do.

NATE: [points at Chase] You don't touch me, all right? [points at Cameron] You can touch me. Just not my brain.

ENID: Nate, you gotta do this. I can't take it anymore.

NATE: [sighs in frustration] My God, Mom! Save me the melodramatic hand-wringing, okay? Loosen up! Get yourself coited.

[Enid looks hurt at this outburst.]

CHASE: [turning] I'm gonna give him a sedative.

[Cameron agrees. Chase goes to a medical cabinet nearby.]

NATE: [sleepy-eyed] You're decent-looking, Dr. Skippy.

[Enid looks confused, as does Chase. Nate starts to sway, appearing disoriented.]

NATE: [glassy look] Why don't you take her for a ride?

CAMERON: Nate...

[Nate blinks.]

[NATE'S POV: Blurred vision. Cameron looks at the camera, her voice slow and deep.]

CAMERON: Are you in pain?

[NATE'S POV: The light from the window engulfs Cameron's face.]

[Nate's eyes roll up and he drops backwards in bed, unconscious.]

ENID: [scared] Nate!

[Cameron and Chase hurry to check on him.]

CAMERON: His heart rate's normal. Respiration's even.

ENID: [panicked] What's happening? What's the matter with him?

[Chase shines his flashlight into Nate's mouth. He pushes down Nate's lower lip to expose his yellow gums.

CHASE: He's jaundiced. His liver's shutting down.

[Zoom into Nate's face.]


HARD CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. Nate is lying unconscious on his bed, hooked up to IV drips.]

CHASE: [voice-only] We started him on sodium polystyrene sulfonate.


FADE TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostics Office. The whiteboard now reads:
PERSONALITY
RAGE
HEAD PAIN
HYPOGONADISM
LIVER FAILURE
House stands in front of it, while the Chase and Cameron stand behind. Foreman sits at the table, still sulking.]

CHASE: His liver's operating at about twenty percent and deteriorating fast.

HOUSE: Which means he'll be dead long before Foreman turns in his parking pass. So, what causes personality disorder, head pain, blah-blah-blah, and liver failure?

CHASE: Liver failure can cause hypogonadism, head pain. Altered mental status leads to the personality disorder and rage. All we need to do is figure out what caused the liver failure.

HOUSE: Yes. Also, we need to figure out how symptoms yesterday can be caused by liver failure today. [steals a look at Foreman]

CAMERON: If his liver's failing now, it wasn't great yesterday. If it wasn't operating at capacity, it could have caused...

[While Cameron speaks, House looks at Foreman and recoils backward as if suddenly scared.]

HOUSE: Ooh-aah! Whoa!

[Foreman looks at him, the sour look still fixed on his face.]

HOUSE: [scolding] Don't sneak up on a person like that.

FOREMAN: [monotone] I'm listening.

HOUSE: Well, listening doesn't help me. Okay. Let's go with the liver and a time-machine theory. Foreman, what causes liver problems?

FOREMAN: Wilson's disease.

CHASE: No. Ceruloplasmin's normal.

CAMERON: No enlargement and no palpable mass, so no cancer.

CHASE: Could be a narrowing of the bile ducts. Primary sclerosingcholangitis.

HOUSE: Most liver damage begins with what we put in our bodies. Foreman?

FOREMAN: [resigned look] Angry teen... alcohol.

CHASE: [emphatically] No. Blood tests were negative.

CAMERON: No signs of drug use or acetaminophen poisoning in his tox screen. Maybe the water was contaminated.

[Foreman's beeper goes off.]

CHASE: His mother would also be sick.

[Foreman checks his beeper. House looks upwards, as if guessing who it could be.]

HOUSE: Cuddy?

[Foreman looks at him.]

HOUSE: [shrugs] Sounded like someone with back. [jerking his head towards the door] Go.

[Foreman gets up and walks out.]

HOUSE: [as Foreman leaves] We'll try and muddle through without your blank stare to guide us. [to Cameron and Chase] So if it's not the bad things he's putting in, what about the good things?

CHASE: He was raised a vegetarian.

HOUSE: Was raised. Means he's all grown up. Or he's not a vegetarian anymore.

CHASE: He started eating red meat a few months ago.

CAMERON :Unless he's been buying cuts of mad cow, his body would have no problem metabolizing it.

HOUSE: Would if he had an OTC deficiency. Body can't metabolize nitrogen, damages the liver. Run a hamburger test.

[Chase and Cameron look puzzled.]

HOUSE: It's exactly what it sounds like. Stuff him full of meat, wait for his ammonia levels to spike.

[He goes to his office. Chase and Cameron leave.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Cuddy's office. Cuddy is at her desk, going through some paperwork. The door opens, she looks up. Foreman enters.]

CUDDY: I'll double your salary.

[He doesn't answer. She waits anyway.]

FOREMAN: Chase and Cameron would mutiny if they found out.

CUDDY: Chase and Cameron wouldn't be heading up their own diagnostic group. [hands him a folder] You'll work in parallel with House. It'll be your practice. Separate staff, separate cases. Complete autonomy.

FOREMAN: [looks uncertain] I've only been doing this for three years.

CUDDY: Three years under House. No better training.

HOUSE: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out? You know who I'd have to go to.

CUDDY: [deadpan at first] Or you can just let that patient die. That's completely up to you. [smiles sweetly]

FOREMAN: [sighs] No.

CUDDY: Why?

FOREMAN: He's evil.

CUDDY: He didn't sabotage your interview.

FOREMAN: How do you know?

CUDDY: [quickly] Because I did.

[Foreman glares at her and starts to leave.]

CUDDY: [calling after him] I didn't! You believed me - means you're not sure House did it.

FOREMAN: Well, somebody did it. Somebody here did it. I can't work here.

[He leaves. Cuddy looks sullen. She thinks about who it could be. Then, it strikes her.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Under Enid's watchful (ever-tearful) eye, Chase and Cameron perform the "hamburger test" on Nate, who is sitting up in bed, in front of a food-tray, on which a plate, glass, knife and fork rest. Chase removes the lid off the plate, displaying three hamburger patties. Nate sits back, disappointed.]

NATE: This isn't a medical procedure. This is just about Doogie making me eat garbage.

CHASE: Need to see how your liver processes the proteins.

NATE: Then get me a steak, some roast beef.

ENID: What if I brought him something from home?

[Frustrated at hearing his mother's voice again, Nate drops his head backwards into the pillow.]

CHASE: It has to be prepared here so we know there's no chemicals or preservatives that could affect the test results.

NATE: I'm not eating anything prepared by five-dollar-an-hour immigrant hospital cooks in hairnets.

CHASE: [snaps] Shut up!

[Nate looks at him.]

CHASE: [advancing threateningly] Either you start eating, or I'm gonna strap you to this bed and shove these down your throat one-by-one, got it?

[Nate looks at him for a while, then smirks.]

NATE: Can't get mad at me. I'm sick. [feigns coughing] You're supposed to feel bad for me.

[Without missing a beat, Chase picks up the intercom.]

CHASE: [into intercom] Nurse, full set of body restraints.

NURSE: [from intercom] Yes, doctor.

[Nate doesn't look so cocky anymore.]

CHASE: [getting in Nate's face] Trust me. It'll be a lot less messy if you do it yourself.

[A resentful look on his face, Nate looks at Cameron. Cameron motions for him to comply. Knowing he has no other option, he reluctantly picks up a burger and starts to eat it. Cameron looks relieved and genuinely impressed at Chase.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Nurse's Station. Cuddy marches up to Wilson, who is going over some paperwork in the 'station.]

CUDDY: [accusing] You killed Foreman's job interview.

[Wilson looks up in surprise. He thinks a couple of seconds.]

WILSON: Why would I...?

CUDDY: [speaks fast] Somebody did. Wasn't me, and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House. Which means it has to be somebody who actually likes House. Which means it's either you or the... weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards.

WILSON: I want Foreman to leave.

[Cuddy looks astonished.]

WILSON: House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron's in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits.

CUDDY: [protesting] I give him...

WILSON: You authorize magic mushrooms. House is a six-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good.

CUDDY: [slyly] You're lying.

[Wilson rolls his eyes.]

CUDDY: An enabler doesn't conspire against, an enabler enables.

[Wilson looks over her shoulder, looking shocked.]

CUDDY: [looking back] What?

WILSON: [looking at her] You're paranoid. [smiles]

CUDDY: You made that call. And because of that call, you basically guaranteed Foreman's out of here.

[She walks away. Wilson thinks.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Clinic, Exam Room Two. House's clinic patient is Doug, who sits shirtless on the table, displaying his badly sunburnt torso and face. There are eight circular lighter spots on his torso. His son, Mark, sits quietly at the side.]

DOUG: I thought it would be fun to work on my boat with him. [jerks his thumb at Mark]

HOUSE: And you went shirtless because... skin cancer looks cool.

DOUG: Well, I realize I got burnt.

[House looks at Mark, who looks down immediately.]

DOUG: I'm not too worried about that. [pointing] It's these white marks, you know?

[House gets off his stool and walks towards a cabinet.]

HOUSE: Lie down.

DOUG: [lying down] I mean, that boat has all sorts of, uh, lead paint, and there's... chemicals everywhere.

HOUSE: [to Mark] When daddy works on his boat, does he have a cooler with lots of brown bottles with long necks?

[House takes a syringe (sans needle) and pulls out the plunger with a pop sound. Mark nods.]

HOUSE: [filling the syringe with water] And does daddy like to lie down on his boat and go nap-nap in the sun?

[Mark nods again. House, syringe ominously held in his hand, steps forward. He spurts the water in it all over Doug's face.]

DOUG: Oh! What-what the hell?!

[Mark chuckles.]

HOUSE: [holding the syringe out to Doug] I will give you this for the... [calculates] one dollar, forty one cents in your pocket.

[Mark readily shoves his hand into his pocket to get the change.]

DOUG: Wait, how could you know...?

[Mark hands a bunch of coins to House and takes the syringe.]

HOUSE: A psychic once told me that I'm psychic.

[House begins to place the coins over the light spots on Doug's torso. The coins match the spots perfectly. Doug understands and shoots his son a look. Mark shrugs guiltily.]

HOUSE: Hey, one of these quarters is Canadian. [mad] Give me back my syringe.

[Mark lets out an "easy-come-easy-go" sigh and hands it back to House, who snatches it back.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Clinic/Nurse's Station. House exits the exam room and finds the Ducklings (all of them) assembled outside. Foreman seems to have cooled down.]

CAMERON: Hamburger stress test showed no change in his ammonia levels.

FOREMAN: Liver's properly converting the ammonia into urea. He doesn't have OTC deficiency.

HOUSE: Welcome back.

FOREMAN: Sorry. I shouldn't have been taking my problems out on the patient.

HOUSE: Or on me. Apology accepted. [walks to the Nurse's Station] Starve him.

FOREMAN: And what are we looking for?

HOUSE: [tossing Doug's file on the 'station] Diabetic steatosis would screw up his liver. Starve him overnight and see if his blood sugar pops.

CHASE: We mess with his blood sugar, we could set off another rage.

HOUSE: Not a problem. You can take him.

[He walks away.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate, standing and brandishing the IV pole, smashes a lamp. The attending nurse jumps back as he swings it at her. His mother tries to calm him down, but to no avail.]

NATE: [yelling] I want something to eat!

ENID: [pleading] Honey, please don't.

[Foreman and Chase rush inside.]

CHASE: What happened?

NURSE: I was just trying to get a urine sample, and he went crazy.

[Foreman gets a sedative.]

NATE: I need to eat!

[He sees Foreman with the syringe and holds the IV pole at him.]

NATE: You're not sticking anything else in me!

FOREMAN: It's just a few more hours.

ENID: [fearful] You're gonna hurt yourself.

NATE: [almost crying] I'm gonna hurt you!

CHASE: As soon as we get a urine sample, we can leave you alone.

NATE: You want your sample?! Here's your damn sample!

FOREMAN: Nate, don't.

[Nate stands and let's 'er rip. The urine falls near his feet, staining his gown. He smiles defiantly. Foreman shakes his head. Enid doesn't know how to react. Suddenly, the urine changes colour to blood red.]

ENID: [frightened] Oh, my God.

[Foreman looks shocked.]

CHASE: Nate, you need to get back into bed. Right now.

[Nate looks down and sees the blood red urine flowing out of him onto the floor and his gown. He reacts in shock.]


HARD CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. Nate is asleep, with Enid at his side. Nate is now hooked up to a dialysis machine.]

CAMERON: [voice-only] Chem panel and urinalysis confirms the bloody urine was caused by kidney failure.


FADE TO:

[PPTH, Diagnostic Office. House and the Ducklings confer. Chase adds "KIDNEY FAILURE" to the whiteboard.]

CAMERON: He's on dialysis. He's gonna need it for the rest of his life.

HOUSE: Which is shortening as we speak. We are looking at a Chinese menu, and we've got symptoms from too many columns. They're going to overcharge us.

CAMERON: Multiple organ failure could mean primary HIV infection.

CHASE: [sarcastic] That would mean someone agreed to sleep with him. Plus his serology is negative.

FOREMAN: His uric acid's slightly elevated.

CHASE: Ten percent of males in this country have elevated...

HOUSE: So we're only gonna pay attention to _abnormal_ abnormalities?

CHASE: We've been stuffing him with meat and his kidneys are shot. Of course his uric acid levels...

FOREMAN: Could be hepatic fibrosis or MCADD. Brat's got a genetic disorder.

HOUSE: Get the sequencing primers. See if it's one of the ones we can treat.

FOREMAN: I can draw some blood, but then I gotta run.

HOUSE: [whirls around] Job interview?

FOREMAN: You gonna stop me if it is?

HOUSE: You do the nurse stuff, they'll do the doctor stuff.

[Foreman leaves. House looks at the whiteboard.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Foreman performs the test on Nate, while Enid looks on. Foreman injects Nate.]

NATE: [drowsily] This a blood test for a marriage license? Plan on kidnapping me to Massachusetts... or Canad...

[His head drops and he's out.]

ENID: What did you give him? [standing] Are you treating him for something?

FOREMAN: Sedative.

ENID: Did he need a sedative?

FOREMAN: I did. Just shutting him up so I can draw some of his blood in peace.

ENID: [outraged] You walked in with that. You didn't even give him a chance.

FOREMAN: People are what they are.

ENID: [arguing] He's sick. The rudeness isn't his fault.

FOREMAN: If he had tuberculosis, it wouldn't be his fault either. But I still wouldn't let him cough on me.

[Enid has no answer to that. She folds her arms and watches, quietly.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Elevator/Hallway. Cameron stands alone in the elevator, plastic baggie in hand, while the door closes slowly. Wilson abruptly grabs the door, opening it. He enters.]

WILSON: [seeming flustered] Hi.

CAMERON: Hey.

[A moment of awkward silence. Then, Wilson leans forward and hits a button. The door closes. Cameron seems a bit puzzled about his jerkiness.]

WILSON: Where are you going?

CAMERON: The lab. We're testing our patient's blood for hereditary...

WILSON: [interrupts] Cuddy thinks I sabotaged Foreman's interview. She's gonna fire me.

CAMERON: [beat] I don't believe it.

WILSON: She said it was unprofessional and...

CAMERON: No, I mean I literally don't believe it. Cuddy wouldn't fire you for something like that.

[Wilson has a guilty look on his face.]

CAMERON: [suspicious] Which... means either she lied to you, or you're... lying to me.

[The door opens. They step into the hallway.]

WILSON: [loses the act] You so would have fallen for that three years ago.

CAMERON: You were looking for a reaction. You were looking for me to feel bad for you. Save your skin. [shrugs] But how am I gonna save you? [understands, stops] Unless... you think I'm the one who really did it.

WILSON: Cuddy's logic was Foreman's valuable to House. I care about House. Ergo, I would do anything to save him.

CAMERON: And your logic was... I care about House as much as you do, ergo...

[Wilson nods.]

CAMERON: It wasn't me. I don't care about House.

WILSON: I don't believe you.

CAMERON: No one does. [sincerely] House is nothing more than my boss. Foreman's nothing more than a colleague.

WILSON: [nods, yet...] You're lying.

CAMERON: [enough already] Everyone does. But it wasn't me.

[Wilson nods and leaves. Cameron ponders the matter and seems to have figured out the culprit.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Lab. Cameron and Chase (wearing glasses) perform tests.]

CHASE: [looking at monitor] No markers for hepatic fibrosis. Nothing for MCADD.

CAMERON: Foreman's interview in New York got screwed up.

CHASE: [not looking up] I heard.

CAMERON: Foreman thought it was House, House thought it was Cuddy. Cuddy thought it was Wilson, Wilson thought it was me.

[Chase looks up and sees her staring accusingly at him.]

CHASE: And you think it was me? [chuckles] God... you think I... sabotaged Foreman? I don't even want him here.

CAMERON: I know.

CHASE: Then why would I do...?

CAMERON: I think you sabotaged Foreman just to sabotage Foreman.

[Hurt, but not showing it, Chase sits back in his chair, folding his arms.]

CHASE: So everyone's a suspect because everyone wants to help House. Except for me. I'm a suspect because I'm a petty, vindictive jerk?

[She only looks at him.]

CHASE: You actually think I would do something like that?

CAMERON: It was someone.

CHASE: [firm] It wasn't me.

[The nearby computer beeps, signaling the result of a test. He looks at it, still upset.]

CHASE: Negative for Von Gierke disease. [remembering] And it's Tuesday.

CAMERON: I know.

CHASE: [mad] I like you.

CAMERON: [smiling] I know. See you next Tuesday.

[Chase shoots a look at her. Another result pops up. Chase looks at it.]

CHASE: Found something.

[Cameron looks at him.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, House's Office. House dumps his bag on his table, packing up to go home. Chase and Cameron stand in front of the table, giving him the results.]

CHASE: He's got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency. Means he could have Kelley-Seegmiller Syndrome.

CAMERON: But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller.

HOUSE: [looks up] Yes. Those are the two options. It is... or it isn't.

CHASE: Kelley-Seegmiller explains the aggressive personality.

CAMERON: If he had Kelley-Seegmiller, he wouldn't just be aggressive, he'd be self-mutilating. Chewing his lips, banging his head.

HOUSE: [donning his jacket] Lovely disease. Degenerative, fatal, incurable. I wonder if that's why Cameron's on the "not" side.

CAMERON: That and the fact that symptoms don't lie.

CHASE: Kelley-Seegmiller carriers self-mutilate when they're stressed.

CAMERON: [turning to face Chase] He's in the ICU with a failing liver and no kidneys. Yeah, his life is sweet.

CHASE: [facing her] His vegetarian diet could have limited the purines in his system, slowing the disease's progress.

[House, all set to go home, stops near the door. He thinks.]

HOUSE: So let's speed it up.

[He goes back behind his desk.]

CAMERON: Why?

HOUSE: So you two kids will stop fighting. [removing his bag] Also, I don't feel like waiting for respiratory failure. Chase, find some way for the mother to get lost for a while. [cracks his knuckles outwards] I'm going to stress this kid until he bites off a finger.

[Chase and Cameron look a bit apprehensive, but comply.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate is in bed, awake. House enters, wheeling in a hospital cart, on which a chessboard (with pieces) is placed.]

NATE: [weakly] They move me to geriatrics? Who are you?

HOUSE: [Greg's Anatomy's...] Dr. McCaney. The man who's gonna kick your ass all over this chessboard.

NATE: Yeah, well, I'm too weak to...

HOUSE: [pushing up Nate's sleeve] ...bite yourself, yeah. You need some liquid energy.

[Nate coughs drowsily.]

HOUSE: Now, if you consent, I'm gonna give you this shot of adrenaline.

[House injects him in the arm.]

NATE: Oww! [irritably] I don't wanna play.

HOUSE: Aside from being indicative of pituitary issues and certain kinds of genetic disorders, small testicles also indicate... [disposes off the syringe] that you're a big chicken. Please don't make me do the sound effect.

NATE: You're not gonna goad me into playing.

[House puts the chessboard on the food tray. Using his cane, he swings the overhead surgical light to illuminate the board.]

HOUSE: Didn't think I'd have to. Thought you'd just jump at the chance of humiliating someone.

[House takes two pawns - one white, one black - in his hands, mixes them up, and holds them (clenched in his fists) for Nate to pick one out.]

NATE: Age before cripple. I'm white.

[House places the pawns back.]

HOUSE: [winding the chess clock] It... is... on!

[He slaps his side of the clock.
Scissor-holding a pawn, Nate moves it two squares ahead. Slap.
House moves a pawn two ahead. Slap.
Nate brings out a knight. Slap.]

HOUSE: Bird's opening. Passive approach.

[He moves another pawn.]

HOUSE: [Slap] Sign of a coward.

NATE: [moving a pawn] Sicilian defense. Sign of an idiot. [Slap]

HOUSE: [makes a move, Slap] Arrogance has to be earned.

[Nate brings out his other knight. Slap.]

HOUSE: [moving a bishop] Tell me what you've done to earn yours. [Slap]

NATE: I can walk.

[He moves his bishop. Slap.]

HOUSE: I don't bleed out of my penis.

[He moves a knight. Slap.
Nate glares at him, moves a knight. Slap.
House moves a pawn. Slap.
Nate moves a bishop. Slap.
Black knight takes white pawn. Slap.
Nate takes a black piece. Slap.
Black knight takes white knight. Slap.]

HOUSE: Check.

[House acts bored. Nate has a look of pure hatred on his face.]

HOUSE: You know, it's a real thin line between tortured genius and awkward kid who can't get girls because he's... creepy.

[White bishop takes black pawn. Slap.]

NATE: Why are you doing this?

HOUSE: To stress you out.

[House moves his queen diagonally. Slap.]

HOUSE: Check.

NATE: [moving one of his pieces] Yeah, but why? [Slap]

HOUSE: I'd tell you, but I figure it's more stressful if you don't know why.

[Black bishop takes white pawn. Slap.
Nate glares.
White pawn takes black bishop. Slap.]

NATE: Not feeling too stressed.

HOUSE: You know that no one likes you, right?

NATE: Yeah, well, anybody like you?

HOUSE: [declaring] You're dying.

[He looks at Nate for a reaction, doesn't get one.
Black queen takes bishop-killing white pawn.]

HOUSE: Check. [Slap]

[Nate seems flustered. He goes for his king, but decides against it.]

HOUSE: Your move.

[Nate seethes. Then, he sits forward.
He moves his king. Slap.
House moves his knight. Slap.
Nate looks at the setup and smiles. He chuckles.
He moves his knight. Slap of authority.]

NATE: [taunting] Care to lay down your king?

[House only stares.]

NATE: You can't win. You can pin my queen. My knight to E7. Your king to H8. Sacrifice rook takes pawn. Bishop blocks. Queen to H5. Checkmate. [demeaningly] Save what's left of your dignity. Lay down your king.

[Suddenly, Nate starts to convulse. The monitor starts beeping rapidly.]

HOUSE: Crap.

[He calmly moves the food tray away. Nurses come running in, one of them preps a crash cart.]

HOUSE: He's having a seizure. Four milligrams IV Lorazepam.

NURSE: Right away.

[As the nurses attend to Nate, House hovers over the chessboard. He drops his king down with his finger.]


HARD CUT TO:

[PPTH, House's Office/Diagnostics Office. Day. House sits in front of the chessboard, trying to analyse how he got beaten. He doesn't look too relaxed. Chase stands behind, Cameron and Foreman in front.]

HOUSE: [under his breath] I hate this kid.

FOREMAN: I like this kid.

HOUSE: You get the job?

FOREMAN: They're gonna let me know.

CAMERON: Kelley-Seegmiller didn't cause this seizure.

HOUSE: So we've got one more symptom, one less diagnosis. [to Foreman] I assume they're gonna call for references? You give 'em my name?

FOREMAN: No. Amyloidosis can cause seizures, and the protein buildup could cause organ failure.

CHASE: Wouldn't alter his personality.

HOUSE: Whose name did you give?

FOREMAN: [beat] My last boss.

HOUSE: Ouch! That can't look good. [still frustrated at having been beaten] I hate this kid.

[He gets up and starts moving towards the Diagnostics Office.]

CAMERON: What if we're not dealing with one condition? What if it's multiple conditions?

HOUSE: Uh-uh, it's gotta be one. It's always one.

CHASE: Nothing explains this constellation of symptoms. We've gotta be missing something. Maybe the kid lied about some medication. Maybe he's hiding something.

CAMERON: Why would he be hiding something?

CHASE: I don't know, because he's... evil?

[House has a thought.]

HOUSE: What if he is? What if the symptoms lied?

[He cancels out "PERSONALITY" at the top of the board.]

HOUSE: [looking at the Ducklings] There. Now all we're looking at is a simple, evil jerk with amyloidosis.

FOREMAN: You're not being objective.

HOUSE: Amyloidosis was your idea.

FOREMAN: You were right, it doesn't fit the symptoms.

HOUSE: Yeah, it does. [now erases the crossed-out "PERSONALITY" word] Look.

FOREMAN: You crossed it off because you wanna hate the kid. And you can't hate him if he's a victim...

HOUSE: You want him to be a victim because you wanna believe that people are good. And if they're not, it's gotta be a chemical problem. Except they're not, and it's not. [to Chase and Cameron] Flush him with immunosuppressants. Get a biopsy to confirm, and find him a marrow donor.

[Foreman sighs defeated. Chase and Cameron leave.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Outside Nate's room. While a nurse checks on Nate, Chase speaks to Enid.]

ENID: What will happen to him?

CHASE: Substances called amyloid proteins build up in the body's organs, shutting them down. It's a fairly rare disease. And I'm afraid it can be fatal.

ENID: [afraid] So do you operate or something to take them out?

CHASE: He needs a bone marrow transplant. Dr. Cameron is searching the donor bank. We should test you as well.

[Enid nods, depressed. She looks at Nate.]

ENID: When you first told me he was sick, I was... happy. Relieved. Now...

[She can't finish. She just looks tearfully at Nate.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Operating Room. Chase and Foreman (scrubbed up) perform a biopsy on Nate. Nate is sweating heavily.]

FOREMAN: Nate, I'm gonna take a small piece of nerve from your ankle. Let me know if you feel any pain.

NATE: [weakly] I'm burning up. Couldn't you just knock me out like you did last time?

FOREMAN: Wish I could. But your body has to be clear so it's ready for a marrow transplant.

[Shot of the open incision on Nate's ankle.]

NATE: Hey, Dr. X.

[Foreman looks at him.]

NATE: I know you've busted ass trying to save me.

FOREMAN: It's all right.

NATE: I wasn't gonna thank you. [coughs] I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.

FOREMAN: [calmly] We're doing our best.

NATE: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.

[Foreman sighs underneath his mask.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH Hallway. House takes a "Chomp" candybar out of a vending machine. Foreman stands at a distance. He starts limping towards him.]

FOREMAN: Nerve biopsy was clean. No evidence of amyloidosis.

HOUSE: It was your idea. Don't give up on it so fast.

[They start walking together.]

FOREMAN: He's running a fever. If it's two conditions, one of them's gotta be an infection. We should start him on antibiotics, see what clears up, what doesn't.

HOUSE: Is he having trouble breathing?

FOREMAN: Yeah, he has mucus in his chest from an infection.

HOUSE: Could also be an amyloid buildup. Keep him on immunosuppressants and biopsy somewhere else, his sinuses.

[Foreman stops walking, about to protest.]

HOUSE: [cutting him off] Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I asked, or just do what I asked.

[Foreman shrugs in defeat and starts to walk away.]

HOUSE: You're not ready.

[Foreman stops and turns annoyed.]

HOUSE: There was a third choice. Don't do what I asked. You coulda defied me, stuck the kid on antibiotics. But you didn't. Because you still trust my judgment more than your own.

[House enters his office. Foreman looks pensive.]


CUT TO:

[Aerial view of PPTH. Night.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, House's Office. House still sits at the chessboard, trying to outthink Nate. Chase enters, wearing street clothes.]

CHASE: You sabotaged Foreman's job interview, didn't you?

HOUSE: [sighs] Foreman's already been over this. [clearly] It wasn't me.

[House goes to pick up the king, but Chase beats him to the punch.]

CHASE: Everybody's chasing ghosts over this. Which means either nobody did it, or somebody wants everybody chasing ghosts. Now, who does that sound like?

HOUSE: And why would I do that?

CHASE: Because as long as Foreman thought you were guilty, he was gonna be useless around here.

HOUSE: [smiling] You know, [smirks] sometimes I forget why I hired you.

CHASE: You cost him a good opportunity and gained nothing.

HOUSE: I cost him a crappy opportunity. New York Mercy's where you go to treat boils and cysts and build a 401K.

CHASE: If you want him to stay, tell him.

HOUSE: I don't and there'd be no point.

CHASE: You do. And the point would be to make him feel like he's wanted.

HOUSE: He doesn't need that.

CHASE: All right, then. It'd make him feel like maybe you weren't evil.

[Chase starts to drum the king on the table. House notices how he holds the piece - between his thumb and pointer.]

CHASE: He needs that.

[Chase drums a couple more times. House has a definite epiphany. Chase holds the king out to House, still unaware of his boss' brainstorm.]

CHASE: Talk to Foreman.

HOUSE: We dumped one symptom. But forgot to add one.

[Chase, hand still held out with the king, looks puzzled. House gets up, picking a white and black pawn and leaves.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, ICU, Nate's room. Nate is in bed, awake, with his mother beside him. The door slides open and House enters.]

HOUSE: [declaring] Revenge time, Nate.

ENID: Are you...?

HOUSE: Yes! I am. [holds his hands out, clenched] Black or white?

NATE: [irritated] Just limp away.

ENID: [upset] He doesn't wanna play. Leave him alone.

HOUSE: Pick one, or... [points to an IV bag] this comes out. And, for all you know, this is really important.

[Nate weakly points to House's right hand. House unclenches the hand, revealing the white pawn. Nate slowly brings up his right hand and holds the pawn - between his pointer and middle finger, with his thumb extended out.]

[TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: This is how Nate has been holding all his chesspieces from the start. I never mentioned it before because... well, you guys would not have figured out that it was a problem all along. OK, back to the show...]

[House calmly grabs Nate's thumb and yanks it backwards. Nate groans in pain. Enid jumps up from her chair, protesting.]

ENID: Stop it!

HOUSE: That hurts, right? Which is odd, because I'm really enjoying this. You hold the pieces that way because you can't bend your thumb.

[Nate looks at his thumb.]

HOUSE: Because your bones have formed abnormally. Thanks to all the crap that's been pushing its way in between them.

[He disconnects the IV bag he pointed to previously.]

HOUSE: Actually, this stuff isn't important at all.

ENID: [worried] Your doctors said he needs immunosuppressants.

HOUSE: [waving it off] They're idiots. It's not amyloidosis. It's iron. He's got hemochromatosis.

[While House speaks, the camera moves off Nate's sour face and zooms towards his chest.]

HOUSE: The body absorbs iron from food, but can't process it.

[CGI: Through the blood vessels. Large quantities of iron deposit along the walls as red blood cells flow overhead.

HOUSE: Can't get rid of it. And idle iron is the devil's playground. It builds up in the organs and joints, whacking them in the process.

[Camera focuses on House.]

HOUSE: Caused all of the symptoms. Including something that wasn't a symptom.

[He limps to the surgical cabinet.]

HOUSE: Those body aches, they were not from the fighting.

ENID: [hopeful] His personality issues?

HOUSE: [taking a scalpel] Sorry. The iron's innocent on that count. Your kid's a jerk.

[Enid tries to say something, but House continues.]

HOUSE: And, yeah, it's probably your fault. Although, if you'd stayed off the meat like your mom said, you'd have half as much iron, and be twice less... almost dead.

[House takes Nate's right wrist and pokes it with the scalpel, drawing blood. Nate grunts. Enid reacts in shock, but doesn't say anything.]

HOUSE: Oh, nurse!

[House drops the scalpel on a nearby cart. He pushes a button on the wall. An urgent beeping sound is heard. Nurses come running in.]

HOUSE: [innocently] This patient is bleeding for some reason.

[House points Nate's bleeding wrist down, letting the blood drain.]

ENID: Is he going to be okay?

HOUSE: He'll need dialysis. And he'll have to get his blood drained every few months for the rest of his life. My condolences. It's going to be a long and annoying life.

[Despite that piece of "bad news", Enid smiles through her tears.]

HOUSE: [leaning close to Nate] I wouldn't have taken your bishop. I'd have moved my queen to D6, defusing the threat. Then rook to E8, attacking the king's pawn. I'd have lost the exchange, but won the game.

[He starts to limp away, when...]

NATE: I know.

[House turns, surprised.]

NATE: I was bluffing. And that's why... [sniggering] you lost.

[House is speechless. He turns and walks.]

HOUSE: [grumbling] Jerk.

[He leaves.]


CUT TO:

[PPTH, Lab. House walks outside and sees Foreman in the lab, unaware that House has "solved the case", performing the House-ordered tests. House enters the lab, while Foreman looks into a microscope. He stands, leaning against a glass wall.]

FOREMAN: [not turning back] You just here to watch, or you got something to say?

HOUSE: [beat] Still running the new biopsy for amyloidosis?

FOREMAN: Yeah. Still nothing.

[House seems to have something to say, but doesn't say it. Foreman waits.]

HOUSE: Run the test again. Recheck your results.

[Foreman hardly looks pleased.]

HOUSE: Looks like you're in for an all-nighter.

[Foreman raises his eyebrows. House leaves. Foreman sighs and gets back to work.]