Season 1 X 01: Pilot

Original Airdate: 11/16/2004
Written by: David Shore
Directed by: Bryan Singer

BEGINNING

(A panning shot of a city street followed by a pretty woman- called "Rebecca"- sitting on a bus. She's then shown running over a bridge at top speed, carrying a suit case. She then runs down a sidewalk and into her work place, an elementary school, just as the bell is ringing.)

Melanie: Why are you late?

Rebecca: You're not gonna like the answer.

Melanie: I already know the answer.

Rebecca: I missed the bus!

Melanie: I don't doubt it. No bus stops near Brad's. You spent the night, the alarm didn't work or maybe it did.

Rebecca: (in a hushed voice) I didn't sleep with him. I missed the bus!

Melanie: Either there's something very wrong with him or there's something very wrong with you.

Rebecca: There's nothing wrong with him.

Melanie: Please tell me you know that for a fact.

Rebecca: Melanie, I gotta go. (heads into her classroom)

Melanie: You're lying, aren't you?

Rebecca: (over her shoulder) I wouldn't lie to you! (to her five-year-old students) Good morning!

Students: Good morning, Miss Rebecca! (awwww)

Rebecca: Everybody's in their seats? (goes to her desk and takes off her coat) Sydney, why don't you tell us what you did this weekend?

Sydney: (smiles shyly)

Rebecca: Come on, Sydney. We know you're not shy.

Sydney: How come we always have to tell you what we did and you don't tell us what you did?

Rebecca: Okay... I had a really great weekend. But you can't tell Miss Melanie, okay?

Student 2: What did you do?

Rebecca: I made a new friend. It's so much fun to make new friends, isn't it?

Students: Yeah.

Student 2: Did you tell your mom and dad about your new friend?

Rebecca: Absolutely. You should never keep anything from your parents. And I told my hack-buh (Rebecca's speech suddenly becomes extremely slurred and the students giggle a bit.) Whach. (more giggles from the children) Hullbucha. (She is looking worried now) Plah. Calpa. (She is beginning to get dizzy and heads to the white board, using her desk and chair to steady herself) Hullbucha. (She frantically starts writing something on the white board and the children read what she's writing)

Students: C-A-L-H-E.

Sydney: The! We know that word, the!

(Rebecca falls to the floor and Melanie peers in through the window in the door. The students rush over to her and Melanie rushes in. Rebecca is seizing on the floor and the camera pans back to the white board where Call The Nurse is written is messy priting)

(Opening credits)

(Screen is black but we can hear the voice of Dr. Wilson.)

Wilson: Twenty-nine-year-old female, first seizure one month ago, lost the ability to speak, babbled like a baby, progressive deterioation of mental status.

(The screen has now faded from black to the hall in a hospital where Dr. Wilson and Dr. House are walking together- you can just see the backs of their legs though.)

House: See that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.

Wilson: So put on a white coat like the rest of us.

House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.

Wilson: You see why the administration might have a problem with that attitude.

House: People don't want a sick doctor.

Wilson: Fair enough. I don't like healthy patients. The twenty-nine-year-old female-

House: The one that can't talk? I like that part.

(Camera pans up so we finally see Wilson's face.)

Wilson: She's my cousin.

(The camera than shows- cue dramatic music please- Dr. House)

House: And your cousin doesn't like the diagnosis. I wouldn't either. Brain tumor. She's gonna die. Boring. (goes to leave, Wilson follows him)

Wilson: No wonder you're such a reknowned diagnostician. You don't need to actually know anything to figure out what's wrong.

House: You're the oncologist. I'm just a lowly infectious disease guy.

Wilson: Ha. Yes, just a simple country doctor. Brain tumor's at her age are highly unlikely.

House: She's twenty-nine. Whatever she's got is highly unlikely.

Wilson: The protein markers for the three most prevalent brain cancers came up negative. (flips folder over and House glances at it quickly)

House: It's an HMO lab. Might as well have sent it to a high school kid with a chemistry set.

Wilson: No family history.

House: I thought your uncle died of cancer.

Wilson: Other side. No environmental factors.

House: That you know of.

Wilson: And she's not responding to radiation treatment.

House: None of which is even close to dispositive. All it does is raise one question: your cousin goes to an HMO? (pops a couple Vicodin)

Wilson: Come on. Why leave all the fun for the coroner? What's the point of putting together a team if you're not gonna use them? You've got three over-qualified doctors working for you, getting bored.

(House looks pensive.)

(Screen goes black and fades to Rebecca's hospital room where shje is laying in bed with sleeping and the camera zooms up her nostril. Insert CGI clip of what's going on inside her head- there's a bit with some blood vessels and a big gray thing that is probably her brain. This fades out and takes us to the X-ray of her head while House studies it.)

Foreman: (off camera) It's a lesion.

House: And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map is an island. (walks away from X-ray and the camera pans away to display Foreman, Cameron and Chase, looking at the X-ray too) I was hoping for something a bit more creative.

Foreman: Shouldn't we be speaking to the patient before we start diagnosing?

House: Is she a doctor?

Foreman: No, but-

House: Everybody lies.

Cameron: (to Foreman in a hushed voice) Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.

Foreman: (to Cameron) Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?

House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

Foreman: So, you're trying to eliminate the humanity from the practice of medicine.

House: If we don't talk to them, they can't lie to us. And we can't lie to them. Humany is overrated. (looks at X-ray again) I don't think it's a tumor.

Foreman: First year of medical school- if you hear hoofbeats, you think horses, not zebras.

House: Are you in first year medical school? (Foreman looks uncomfortable.) No. First of all, there's nothing on the CAT scan. Second of all, if this is a horse than her kindly family doctor in Trenton makes the obvious diagnosis and it never gets near this office. Differential diagnosis, people. If it's not a tumor, what are the suspects? Why couldn't she talk?

Chase: Aneurysm, stroke or some other ischemic syndrome.

House: Give her a contrast MRI.

Cameron: Creutzfeld-Jakob disease.

Chase: Mad cow?

House: Mad zebra.

Foreman: Wernickie's encephalopathy?

House: No. Blood thiamine level was normal.

Foreman: Lab in Trenton could have screwed up the blood test. I assume it’s a corollary if people lie, that people screw up.

House: Re-draw the blood tests and get her scheduled for that contrast MRI ASAP. Let’s find out what kind of zebra we’re treating here.

(Camera pans in on Rebecca in her room. We then get a close-up shot of House waiting for the elevator. Cuddy walks swiftly in his direction and he pushes on the elevator button impatiently but Cuddy reaches him before the elevator arrives.)

Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office twenty minutes ago.

House: Really? That's odd because I had no intention of being in your office twenty minutes ago.

Cuddy: (with hand on hip) You think we have nothing to talk about?

House: Nope. Just can't think of anything I'd be interested in.

Cuddy: I sign your paychecks.

House: I have tenure. (Elevator opens and House goes to step in while the other people inside get out. House looks at Cuddy.) Are you gonna grab my cane now, stop me from leaving?

Cuddy: That would be juvenile.

(House steps into the elevator, presses the button and Cuddy follows him inside and smiles innocently up at him- a most perfect expression if I do say so myself.)

Cuddy: I can still fire you if you're not doing your job.

House: I'm here from nine to five.

Cuddy: Your billings are practically non-existant.

House: Rough year.

Cuddy: You ignore requests for consults.

House: I call back sometimes. Sometimes I misdial.

Cuddy: You're six years behind on your obligations to this clinic.

House: See, I was right. This doesn't interest me.

Cuddy: Six years times three weeks. Y'owe me better than four months.

House: It's five o'clock. I'm going home. (Elevator opens and House heads out.)

Cuddy: To what?

House: Niiice.

Cuddy: (going after House) Look, Dr. House, the only reason why I don't fire you is because your reputation is still worth something to this hospital.

House: Excellent. We have a point of agreement. You're not gonna fire me.

Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job. The clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.

House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'you can't always get what you want'. (walks away leaving Cuddy looking rather dumb-founded and frustrated)

(We now get a nice panning shot of the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, the first of many.)

(We then see the team taking an ill-looking Rebecca, sitting in a wheelchair, somewhere in a wheelchair.)

Rebecca: (to Chase) You're not my doctor. Are you, Dr. House?

Chase: Thankfully no. I'm Dr. Chase.

Cameron: Dr. House is the Head of Diagnostic Medicine. He's very busy but he has taken a keen interest in your case.

(Rebecca looks around sorrowfully.)

(Shot of a vial of medicine being pumped into a syringe by Foreman.)

Foreman: We inject gadolinium into a vein. It distributes itself throughout your brain and acts as a contrast material for the magnetic resonance imagery.

(We see Rebecca laying in the MRI machine table with Cameron adjusting some switches.)

Cameron: Basically whatever's in your head lights up like a Christmas tree.

Foreman: It might make you feel a little light-headed.

Nurse: Dr. Cameron. (we see a nurse- or somebody- outside the MRI room) I'm sorry but I have to stop you. There's a problem.

(Cameron and Foreman look at one another. We then see a shot of House bursting into Cuddy's office and he doesn't look amused.)

House: (shouting) You pulled my authorization!

Cuddy: Yes. Why are you yelling?

House: No MRIs, no imaging studies, no labs.

Cuddy: You also can’t make long distance phone calls. (fiddles with some papers at her desk)

House: If you're gonna fire me, have the guts to face me.

Cuddy: Or photo copies. (looks up at him) You're still yelling.

House: I'M ANGRY. You're risking a patient's life.

Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points.

House: You showed me disrespect. You embarrassed me and as long as I work here, you-

Cuddy: Is the yelling designed to scare me because I'm not sure what I’m supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That’s not scary. That you’re gonna hurt me? That’s scary but I’m pretty sure I can out-run ya. (gets up) Oh, I looked into the philosopher you quoted- Jagger. You're right. You can't always get what you want but as it turns out, if you try sometimes you can get what you need.

House: So. (takes out Vicodin bottle) 'Cause you want me to treat patients, you're not letting me treat patients.

Cuddy: I need you to do your job.

(House pops a couple Vicodin and he leaves Cuddy's office and meets the team... who are all, oddly, standing in a group like a bunch of... well, ducklings.)

House: Do the MRI. She folded.

(Foreman, Chase and Cameron exit, leaving Wilson and House.)

House: (sigh) I've gotta do four hours a week in this clinic, 'til I make up the time I've missed... 2054. I'll be caught up in 2054. (walks away and looks back at Wilson) You better love this cousin a whole lot.

(Shot of Rebecca being lowered onto the MRI table once again and all the MRI stuff is done. She's slid inside and the ducklings gather outside the MRI room.)

Cameron: (into microphone) Alright, Rebecca, I know you might feel a little claustrophobic in there but we need you to remain still. (We get a close-up of Rebecca and she honestly looks terrified.)

Chase: (into microphone) Okay, we're gonna begin.

(Another shot of the inside of the MRI. We hear a few clicking and thumping sounds. I don't know how they work so bear with me.

Rebecca: I don't feel so good.

Chase: It's alright. Just try to relax.

(Rebecca starts making sounds like she's finding it hard to breathe.)

Cameron: Rebecca?

(Shot of Rebecca fighting for air with her mouth wide open.)

Cameron: Rebecca.

(Shot does into Rebecca's mouth and down her throat where we see her throat lose completely. Rebecca passes out.)

Cameron: Rebecca! (to Chase) Get 'er out of there. (stands up)

Chase: She probably fell asleep. She's exhausted.

Cameron: She was claustrophobic thirty seconds ago, she's no sleeping. We gotta get her out of there. (a bunch of people follow her inside the MRI room- who are these people? Nurses?)

Chase: (still sitting) It'll just be another minute.

Cameron: (pushes a button on the MRI machine and the table slides out.) She’s having an allergic reaction to gadolinium- she’ll be dead in two minutes.

Foreman: Hold her neck. (Cameron and Foreman pull her out.)

Cameron: Oh, she's ashen.

Foreman: (lowers his ear to her mouth) She's not breathing. Epi point five.

Cameron: Come on. (inserts a thingy into her mouth and pumps it a few times) I can't ventilate.

Foreman: Too much edema. Where's the surgical airway kit?

Chase: Yup, coming.

(Cameron pushes a syringe of something into Rebecca and they prep her throat. Chase makes a cut in the throat- ew!- and they insert a tube into her throat. There's a bit of blood spurting here and there and a couple close-up shots of Chase's baby blues. They hook the breathing pump thingy to the tube thingy and Cameron pumps it a few times.)

Chase: (to Cameron) Good call.

(We see a shot of House popping open his Vicodin bottle. He seems to do a lot of that in this episode. He pops a couple.)

(Shot switches to Cameron checking Rebecca's vitals.)

Chase: We'll get that tube out of your throat later today.

Cameron: Just get some rest for now, okay?

(Rebecca nods weakly and the team meets House in the hall.)

House: Told you. Can't trust people.

Cameron: She probably knew she was allergic to gadolinium- figured it was an easy way to get someone to cut a hole in her throat.

House: Can't get a picture, gonna have to get a thousand words.

Foreman: You actually want me to talk to the patient? Get a history?

House: We need to know if there's some genetic or environmental cause that's triggering it off an inflammatory response.

Foreman: I thought everybody lied.

House: Truth begins in lies. Think about it. (walks away)

Foreman: (to his fellow ducklings) That doesn't mean anything, does it?

(We are now in the most dreaded place in the whole hospital- the clinic. House walks in.)

House: (to receptionist) 12:52 PM, House checks in. Please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? (Cuddy is closing in on him from behind but House is unaware.) General Hospital starts in eight minutes.

Cuddy: (while flipping through a file) No TV but we've got patients.

House: Can't you give out the Aspirin yourself? I'll do paperwork-

Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one.

House: (in a mocking tone) Cough just won't go away, runny nose looks a funny color.

Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.

House: I think I read something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Cuddy: Patient is orange.

House: The color?

Cuddy: No, the fruit. (looks at chart)

House: You mean yellow. It's jaundice.

Cuddy: I mean orange.

House: Well, how orange? It's probably-

Cuddy: (thrusts the chart at House) Exam room one. (leaves)

(We are now looking at a man in his fifties in the exam room and his skin is actually orange-tinted. He's playing with his wedding band as he explains his illness to House.)

Orange Man: I was playing golf and my cleats got stuck. I mean, it hurt a little bit but I kept playing. (Shot of House grinning to himself.) Next morning I could barely stand up. Well, you're smiling so I take it this isn't serious. (House takes out his Vicodin.) What's that? What are you doing?

House: Pain killers. (pops a couple)

Orange Man: Oh. For you, for your leg.

House: No, because they're yummy. Want one? Make your back feel better. (Hobbles over to him and gives him one. Aww. You see? Sharing is nice!) Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. You wife is having an affair.

Orange Man: What?!

House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed color, she's just not paying attention. By the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and mega dose vitamins? Carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns your red. Find some finger paint and do the math. (opens the door to leave) And get a good lawyer. (exits, leaving Orange Man looking stunned)

(House is with his second clinic patient and putting a stethoscope to a young boy's back.)

House: Deep breath.

Boy: It's cold.

House: (to Boy's mom) Has he been using his inhaler?

Boy's Mom: Not in the past few days. He's only ten. I worry about children taking such strong medicine so frequently. (House looks at her like he wants to reach over and slap her.)

Boy: What happened to your leg?

House: Your doctor was probably concerned about the strength of the medicine, too. She probably weighed that danger against the danger of not breathing. (grins at the shocked-looking mother) Oxygen is so important in those pre-pubescent years, don't you think? (takes a deep breath) Okay, I'm gonna assume nobody's ever told you what asthma is- or if they have, you had other things on your mind. A stimulant triggers cells in your child's airways to release substances that inflame the air passages and cause them to contract. Mucus production increases, the cell lining starts to shed. But the steroids... the steroids... (House's eyes glaze over as the tiny cogs in his brain start turning.) ...stop the inflammation. More often this happens... (House goes for the door)

Boy's Mom: What? More often this happens what?

House: Forget it. You don't trust steroids, you shouldn't trust doctors. (he closes the door behind him and Boy's Mom and Boy look at one another)

(We're back in Rebecca's room.)

Rebecca: My mother passed away four years ago. She had a heart attack and my father broke his back doing construction.

(Cameron's pager goes off.)

Cameron: (to Foreman) It's House. It's urgent. (to Rebecca) I'm sorry. (they leave and see that House is just outside the door) You couldn't have knocked?

House: Steroids. Give her steroids. High doses of prednisone.

(Rebecca looks up and tries to see who Foreman and Cameron are speaking to outside her room. All she can see is his prodile and the shadow of a cane. Ooh. Mysterious. She puts her head back down on the pillow.)

Foreman: You’re looking for support for a diagnosis of cerebral vasculitus.

Cameron: Inflammation of blood vessels in the brain is awfully rare, especially for someone her age.

House: So is a tumor. Her SED rate was elevated.

Foreman: Mildly.

Cameron: That could mean anything or nothing.

House: Yeah. I know. I have no reason to think that it's vasculitus. Except that it could be. If the blood vessels are inflammed, that's gonna look exactly like what we saw in the MRI from Trenton County and the pressure's gonna cause neurological symptoms.

Cameron: We can't diagnose that without a biopsy.

House: Yes we can. We treat it. She gets better, we know we're right.

Cameron: And if we're wrong?

House: Than we learn something else.

(Panning shot of hospital. What a pretty hospital it is.)

(Back in Rebecca's room. Chase is shining a light into her eye.)

Rebecca: (in a scratchy voice; there is now a bandage over her throat) Why steroids?

Chase: Just part of your treatment. You haven't had many visitors. No boyfriend?

Rebecca: Three dates. I wouldn't have stood by him if he were vomiting all day.

Chase: What about work? You must have friends from work?

Rebecca: Pretty much everybody I like is five-years-old. The nurse said you're stopping my radiation.

Chase: We're just trying some alternative medications. So, where's your family from-

Rebecca: Steroids are not an alternative to radiation.

Chase: The tests weren't really conclusive.

Cameron: We're treating you for vasculitus. It's the inflammation of blood vessels in the brain. (glances at Chase)

Rebecca: It's not a tumor? I don't have a tumor?

(Chase follows Cameron out of the room.)

Chase: Hey. You should've told her the truth, it's a long-shot guess.

Cameron: (to nurse at desk) Thank you. (to Chase) If House is right, no harm. If he's wrong, I've given a dying woman a day's hope.

Chase: False hope.

Cameron: If there was any type available, I would've given her that.

(Cameron walks away and Chase goes in the opposite direction.)

(We then get a shot of Foreman putting his nose to the floor of Rebecca's classroom)

Sydney: Why are you smelling Billy's pants?

Foreman: (gets up on his knees) I'm not.

Sydney: Looked like you were.

Foreman: I was smelling the floor.

Sydney: Oh.

Foreman: Do you have any pets in this class?

Sydney: No but we used to have a gerbil but Carly L dropped a book on it.

Foreman: (shrugs) Careless.

Sydney: Do you need to smell it?

Foreman: No, I'm smelling for mold. I don't need to smell it.

Sydney: You can smell our parrot.

Foreman: You said you didn't have any pets in this class.

Sydney: A parrot is a bird.

(Shot of a TV with a soap opera playing on it.)

Foreman: (his voice, anyway) Parrots are the primary source of psitticosis.

(Shot of House watching the TV at a cafeteria table with Foreman sitting across from him.)

House: It's not the parrot.

Foreman: Psitticosis can lead to (looks up at TV and looks back at House) nerve problems and neurological complications.

House: How many kids were in the class?

Foreman: Twenty.

House: How many are home sick?

Foreman: None but-

House: None but you figured that five-year-olds are more serious about bird hygene than their teacher. (looks back up at TV) Been through her home?

Foreman: She lives in Trenton. I can go up to her room tomorrow morning and ask her for the key.

House: (looks taken aback) Would the police call for permission before dropping by to check out a crime scene?

Foreman: It's not a crime scene.

House: Far as I know, she's running a meth lab out of her basement.

Foreman: She's a kindergarten teacher!

House: And if I were a kindergarten student, I would trust her implicitly... (looks behind him) Okay, I'll give you a for-instance. (shot of cafeteria worker rubbing her nose on her glove) Lady back there (looks back at Foreman) who made your egg salad sandwich, her eyes looks glassy, did you notice that? Hospital policy is to stay home if you're sick but if you're making eight dollars an hour, than you kinda need the eight dollars an hour, right? (Foremans looks suspiciously at his sandwich.) The sign in the bathroom says that employees must wash after using the facilities but I figure someone who wipes snot on a sleeve isn't hyper-concerned about sanitary conditions. So, what do you think? Should I trust her? (looks back up at TV) I want you to check the patient's home for contaminants, garbage, medication-

Foreman: I can't just break into someone's house.

House: Isn't that how you got into the Felker's home? (Foreman's face goes blank. House looks back at him.) Yeah, I know. Court records are sealed, you were sixteen, it was a stupid mistake. But your old gym teacher has a big mouth. Should write a thank-you note.

Foreman: I should thank him?

House: Look, I needed somebody around here with street smarts. Okay? Knows when they'r being conned, knows how to con.

Foreman: I should sue you.

House: I'm pretty sure you can't sue somebody for wrongful hiring.

Foreman: But I'm pretty sure I can sue for if you fire me for not breaking into some lady's house. (He eats the rest of the sandwich cooly, as to show that yes, he does trust the cafteteria woman. Ooh. How daring.)

(Shot of the front of a magazine. House is reading it in the exam room and Cuddy finds him.)

House: Research. People are fascinating, aren't they?

Cuddy: Why are you giving Adler Steroids?

House: Because she's my patient. That's what you do with patients, you give them medicine.

Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based of guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.

House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? Nice.

Cuddy: I'm stopping the treatment. (she leaves and House goes after her)

House: She's my patient.

Cuddy: It's my hospital.

House: I did not get her sick! She's not an experiment. I have a legitimate theory of what's wrong with her.

Cuddy: With no proof!

House: There's never any proof. Five different doctors come up with five different diagnosies based on the same evidence.

Cuddy: You don't have any evidence! (pushes the elevator button) And nobody knows anything, huh? Than how is it that you always think you're right?

House: I don't. I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. Why are you so afraid of making a mistake?

Cuddy: Because I'm a doctor. (walks away and takes the stairs instead of the elevator) Because when we make mistakes, people die.

House: Come on. (House goes after her but stops at the foot of the stairs) People used to have more respect for cripples, y'know. (to a nearby person in a wheelchair) They didn't really.

(Cuddy comes into Rebecca's room)

Cuddy: So how are you feeling?

Rebecca: (who is eating her lunch) Much better, thanks. Are you Dr. House? I thought he was a he but...

Cuddy: No... Don't eat too much too fast.

Rebecca: (nods) Thank him for me.

Cuddy: Right. (leaves and finds House waiting outside, to her surprise)

House: Should I discontinue the treatment, boss?

Cuddy: You got lucky.

House: (watches her walk away) Cool, huh?

(Another panning shot of the hospital, this time at night. This is followed by going back into Rebecca's room where Wilson is with her, checking her airways with a stethoscope to her back.)

Wilson: Okay, once again. (Rebecca takes a deep breath and exhales.) Good.

Rebecca: Am I ever gonna meet Dr. House?

Wilson: You might run into him at the movies or on the bus.

Rebecca: Is he a good man?

Wilson: He's a good... doctor.

Rebecca: Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people?

Wilson: Caring's a good motivator. He's found something else. (He continues examining her) Feel this? Both sides?

Rebecca: Uh-hm. (nods)

Wilson: 'Kay. Squeeze. Harder. Alright.

Rebecca: He's your friend, huh?

Wilson: Yeah.

Rebecca: Does he care about you?

Wilson: I think so.

Rebecca: You don't know?

Wilson: As Dr. House likes to say, everybody lies.

Rebecca: It's not what people say. It's what they do.

Wilson: (hesitates) Yeah. He cares about me.

(Wilson goes to leave)

Rebecca: I can't see... I can't see... (Rebecca throws her head back and starts seizing. It kind of looked like something from The Exorcist actually. Wilson rushes over to her and tries to hold her down. Rebecca's heart rate is extremely rapid.)

Wilson: A little help in here!

(Rebecca's heart monitor goes crazy and then goes totally flat-line.)

(Panning shot of hospital, it's now morning.)

(We're still in Rebecca's room. She's got an oxygen mask on.)

Foreman: You're chest will be sore for a while. We needed to shock you to get your heart going. Mmmkay. (puts a couple cards on the table in front of her) Can you arrange these to tell a story? (She just stares at them.)

(We're now in House's office with the whole team gathered inside.)

Foreman: She couldn't put them in order.

Chase: Could the damage have been caused by lack of oxygen during the seizure?

Foreman: No, I gave her the same test five minutes later. She did just fine. The altered mental status is intermittent, just like the verbal skills.

Cameron: So, what now?

Foreman: Given the latest symptoms, it's clearly going deeper into the brain stem. Soon, she won't be able to walk. She'll go blind permanently and then the respirtory center will fail.

House: How long do we have?

Foreman: If it's a tumor, we're talking a month or two. If it's infectious, a few weeks. If it's vascular, that'll probably be fastest of all, maybe a week.

House: We're gonna stop all treatment. (House walks out of room and the ducklings follow him)

Foreman: I still think it's a tumor. I think we should go back to the radiation.

Chase: She didn't respond to the radition.

Foreman: Maybe we didn't see the affect until we started her on steroids.

House: Nope. It's not a tumor. Steroids did something. I just don't know what.

Foreman: So, we're just gonna do nothing? We're just gonna watch her die.

House: Yeah. We're gonna watch her die. Specifically, we're gonna watch how fast she's dying. You just told us- each diagnosis has its own time frame. If we see how fast it's killing her, we'll know what it is.

Cameron: And by then maybe there's nothing we can do about it.

Foreman: There's gotta be something we can do. Something better than watch her die.

House: Well, I got nothing. How 'bout you? (everybody looks at Foreman)

(Foreman and Cameron walk out of House's office)

Foreman: Bastard. Oh, Cameron. I need you for a couple of hours.

Cameron: What's up?

Foreman: When you break into someone's house, it's better to have a white chick with you.

Cameron: Adler's house? Why don't we just ask her for her keys?

Foreman: For all we know, she could be running a meth lab out of her basement.

(Back to House in the clinic exam room, this time with a middle-aged man. House is looking particularly bored.)

Clinic Patient: I'm tired a lot.

House: Any other reason why you think you might have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

Clinic Patient: It's kinda the definition, isn't it?

House: It's kinda the definition of getting older.

Clinic Patient: I had a couple headaches last month. Mild fever. Sometimes I can't sleep and I have trouble concentrating.

House: Apparently not while researching this stuff on the Internet.

Clinic Patient: I was thinking it might also be fibromyalgia.

House: Excellent diagnosis!

Clinic Patient: Is there anything... for that?

House: (gets a thoughtful expression on his face and suddenly "gets an idea") D'you know, I think there just might be. (leaves the exam room and goes to the pharmacy counter and asks the pharmacist for...) Thirty-six Vicodin and change for a dollar. (He puts a dollar bill on the counter and gets the quarters. He goes over to a candy machine and gets a handful of mints. He goes back to the counter, empties the Vicodin bottle into his pocket and puts the mints inside the empty bottle and puts it back on the counter.) Exam room two.

(We see Cameron peering into a cupboard in Rebecca's house.)

Cameron: House doesn't believe in pretense. He figures life's too short and too painful. So, he just says what he thinks.

Foreman: (looking in the trash) Nothing interesting in the garbage. 'I say what I think' is just another way of saying 'I'm an ass'.

Cameron: (looking under sink) Well, if you wanted to be judged for your medical prowess only, maybe you shouldn't have broken into someone's home.

Foreman: (looking in dog's bed) I was sixteen! Don't know 'bout ticks but her dog's definitely got fleas.

Cameron: (up in attic) I managed to make it to seventeen without a criminal record.

Foreman: (looking in fridge) Yeah? Well, you, obviously, didn't grow up in my neighborhood. (he removes some ham slices from her fridge and some mayo- I think it was mayo)

Cameron: (walking into kitchen to join Foreman) That's right, you stole a loaf of bread to feed your starving family, right? (Foreman smells the ham slices.) Do you always eat during break-ins?

Foreman: Am I supposed to respect their food more than I respect their DVD players? (Cameron removes a drawing done by one of Rebecca's students.) You want some?

Cameron: No.

Foreman: You gonna go hungry until she dies?

Cameron: No.

Foreman: (while making a sandwich) You know what, after centuries of slavery, decades of civil rights marches and more significantly, living like a monk, never getting less than a 4.0 GPA, you don't think it's kind of disgusting that I get one of the top jobs in the country because I'm a deliquant? (Cameron removes her glasses) We'll eat and then we'll tear up the carpet.

Cameron: (sits down) You went to Hopkins, right?

Foreman: Yup.

Cameron: So, you want to a better school than I did. You got better grades than I did.

Foreman: (laughs) So how did you get the job? You stab a guy in a bar fight? (Cameron looks troubled and confused.)

(Shot of people going up the stairs in front of the hospital and then to House's office.)

Foreman: Nothing.

House: It's not a tumor. She's getting worse too fast. Can't stand up.

Wilson: No toxins? No medications?

Foreman: Nothing that would explain these symptoms.

Wilson: Family history of neurological problems?

Foreman: Not that I could tell from her underwear drawer. (Wilson smirks.)

House: You said nothing that would explain these symptoms. What did you find that doesn't explain these symptoms?

Foreman: Dr. Wilson convinced you to treat this patient under false pretenses. Adler's not his cousin.

Wilson: That's ridiculous. You can ask her yourself. Why- Can we get back-

Foreman: She's not Jewish.

Wilson: Rachel Adler's not Jewish.

Foreman: I had ham at her apartment.

Wilson: (laughs awkwardly) Dr. Foreman, a lot of Jews have non-Jewish relatives and most of us don't keep kosher. (House gets pensive again- the wheels are turning once more.) I can see getting through high school without learning a thing about Jews but medical school...

Foreman: Maybe she's Jewish but she's definitely not your cousin.

Wilson: Really. This guy's-

Foreman: You don't even know her name! You called her Rachel, her name is Rebecca!

Wilson: Yes, yes. Her name is Rebecca, I call her Rachel. (Wilson knows he's messed up.)

House: (shouts) You idiot!

Wilson: Listen, he's-

House: Not you! (gestures to Foreman) Him. You said you didn't find anything.

Foreman: Everything I found was-

House: You found ham.

Foreman: So?

House: Where there is ham, there's pork. Where there's pork, there's neurocysticercosis.

Chase: Tape worm? You think she's got a worm in her brain?

House: It fits! Coulda been there for years. Never occur to me that-

Cameron: Millions of people eat ham everyday. It's quite a leap to think that she's got a tape worm.

House: Okay Mister Neurologist. What happens when you give steroids to a person who has a tape worm?

Foreman: They get a little better and... and then they get worse.

Wilson: Just like Rebecca Adler did.

(Shot of the door on House's office- the one that says "Gregory House, M.D.: Department of Diagnostic Medicine". Inside, House puts a medical textbook down, open to a page that shows a number of different types of tape worms- presumably)

House: In a typical case, you don't cook pork well enough, you digest live tapeworm larvae. (a CGI clip shows the larvae inside the body) They got these little hooks, they grab onto your bowel, they live, they grow up and reproduce.

Chase: Reproduce? There's only one lesion and it's nowhere near her bowel.

House: Yeah. That's because this is not a typical case. Tapeworms can reproduce twenty to thirty thousand eggs a day. Guess where they go.

Foreman: Out.

House: (another cool CGI clip, this time featuring a tapeworm egg) Not all of them. Unlike the larvae, the egg can pass right through the walls of the intestines, into the blood stream. Where does the blood stream go?

Cameron: Everywhere.

House: As long as it's healthy, the immune system doesn't even know it's there. The worm builds a wall, uses its secretions to shut down the body's immune response and control fluid flow. It's really quite beautiful.

Foreman: As long as it's healthy. So, what d'we do? Call a vet? Nurse the little guy back to health.

House: It's too late for that. It's dying. (yet another CGI clip, this time taking place in the brain) As the parasite loses the ability to control the host's defenses, the immune system wakes up and attacks the worm and everything starts to swell and that is very bad for the brain.

Wilson: (coming in) It could still be a hundred other things. The eosinophil count was normal.

Chase: It's only abnormal in thirty percent of cases.

Wilson: Proving nothing.

House: Oh, no, no, no! Ya see, it fits! It was perfect. It explains everything.

Wilson: But it proves nothing.

House: I can prove it by treating it.

Wilson: No, you can't... I was just with her. She doesn't want anymore treatments, she doesn't want anymore experiments. She wants to go home and die.

(We see Rebecca sitting up in her bed, still in her hospital room. It's raining outside and it's dark. House enters the room.)

House: (to nurse) Would you excuse us please? (He stands at the end of her bed and she stares at him dully.) I'm Dr. House.

Rebecca: S'good to meet you.

House: You're being an idiot. (clears his throat; Rebecca just looks out the window) You have a tapeworm in your brain. S'not pleasant but if we don't do anything you'll be dead by the weekend.

Rebecca: Have you actually seen the worm?

House: When you're all better, I'll show you my diplomas.

Rebecca: You were sure I had vasculitus too. Now I can't walk and I'm wearing a diaper. What's this treatment gonna do for me?

House: I'm not talking about a treatment, I'm talking about a cure. But because I might be wrong, you wanna die.

Rebecca: What made you a cripple?

House: I had an infarction.

Rebecca: A heart attack?

House: It's what happens when the blood flow is obstructed. If it's in the heart, it's a heart attack. If it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism. If it's in brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my thigh muscles.

Rebecca: Wasn't there something they could do?

House: There was plenty they could do, if they'd made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death.

Rebecca: Did you think you were dying?

House: I hoped I was dying.

Rebecca: So you hide in your office, refuse to see patients because you don't like the way people look at you. You feel cheated by life so now you're gonna get even with the world. You want me to fight this. Why? What makes you think I'm so much better than you?

House: When you're scared, you'll turn into me.

Rebecca: I just wanna die with a little dignity.

House: (sternly) There's no such thing. Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're ninety, sometimes before we're even born but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly, always. (Rebecca's eyes are full of tears and House softens his tone.) We can live with dignity. You can't die with it. (A tear rolls down Rebecca's cheek.)

(The next thing we see is House walking down the hall to meet his team.)

House: No treatment.

Foreman: Maybe we can get a court order, override her wishes, claim she doesn't have the capacity to make this decision.

House: But she does.

Cameron: But we could claim that the illness made her mentally incompetant, right?

Foreman: A pretty common result.

House: That didn't happen here.

Wilson: He's not gonna do it. She's not just a file to him anymore. He respects her.

Cameron: So because you respect her, you're going to let her die.

House: I solved the case. My work is done. (walks away) Patients always want proof. We're not making cars here, we don't give guarantees.

Chase: I think we can prove it's a worm. (House turns around at the end of the hall) It's non-invasive, it's safe. (walks toward House) I'm not completely sure but I thought of it-

House: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the damn idea?

Chase: Have you ever seen a worm under an X-ray? A regular, no-contrast hundred-year-old technology X-ray- they light up like shotgun pellets, just like on a contrast MRI.

Foreman: Which is the same thing as a CT scan which we did, which proved nothing.

House: Worms cysts is the same density as the cerebrospinal fluid. We're not gonna see anything in her head. But Chase is right. He's right, we should X-ray her. But we don't X-ray her brain, we X-ray her leg. Worms love thigh muscle. If she's got one in her head, I guarantee you there's one in her leg.

(Rebecca is laying on the X-ray table with the team outside looking in.)

Chase: Hold still, Rebecca.

(The machine goes THUD and a CGI clip shows inside the leg where, sure enough, a tapeworm is squirming around in his little wormy way.)

(We're back in Rebecca's room and she's back in bed.)

Chase: (Chase points to the X-ray) This here, is a worm larvae.

Rebecca: So if it's in my leg, it's in my brain.

Chase: Are you looking for a guarantee? (Rebecca shakes her head) It's there. Probably been there for six to ten years.

Rebecca: Do I have more?

Chase: Probably. (Rebecca stares at him.) It's good news.

Rebecca: What do we do now?

Chase: Now we get you better. Albendazole. (hands her a cup with pills in it)

Rebecca: (shakes her head) Two pills.

Chase: Yeah. Every day for eat least a month with a meal.

Rebecca: Two pills.

Chase: Yeah. Possible side effects include abdominal pain, nausea, headaches, dizziness, fever and hair loss. We'll probably keep making you take the pills even if you get every one of those.

(Rebecca takes the pills.)

(We see House walking down the hall and into his office where he finds Cameron sitting- in his chair, to be exact.)

Cameron: Why did you hire me?

House: Does it matter?

Cameron: Kinda hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.

House: Why?

Cameron: Is that rhetorical?

House: No, it just seems that way 'cause you can't think of an answer. (Cameron gets up and follows him to the other room) Make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?

Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.

House: (makes himself a coffee) No, it wasn't a racial thing. I didn't see a black guy, I just saw a doctor... with a juvenile record. I hired Chase because his dad made a phone call. I hired you... because you're extremely pretty. (walks away, back into his office)

Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?

House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. (looks her up and down) I hired you 'cause... y'look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

Cameron: I was in the top of my class.

House: But not the top.

Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic. (House sits down at his desk)

House: You were a very good applicant.

Cameron: But not the best.

House: Would that upset you? Really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty instead of a genetic gift of intelligence?

Cameron: (looks deadly serious) I worked very hard to get where I am.

House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature. And you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, coulda been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff- lots of stuff. But you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off.

Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered?

House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they are as damaged as they are beautiful. (tilts his head, thinking) Were you abused by a family member?

Cameron: No!

House: Sexually assaulted?

Cameron: No!

House: But you are damaged, aren't you?

Cameron: (while she's just starting at him, her pager goes off) I have to go.

(We now see Orange Man and Cuddy talking in her office.)

Orange Man: I followed her.

Cuddy: Oh...

Orange Man: I couldn't stop thinking about what that doctor said.

Cuddy: I told you not to listen to him, he's an idiot.

Orange Man: I was orange!

Cuddy: I don't wanna know what you found out.

Orange Man: You don't care?

Cuddy: I'm your doctor. You've been good to me and good to this hospital, of course I care. But I don't see how this conversation can end well for me. Either your wife is having an affair or she's not having an affair and you've come here because you rightly think I should fire him. But I can't... even if it costs me your money. The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.

(it shows his hand where this is a tan line where his wedding band used to be so, obviously, House was right about the affair.)

(Chase and Cameron enter Rebecca's room.)

Chase: Feeling any better?

Rebecca: I can't complain. As you know, the hospital has certain rules and as you also know we tend to ignore them. But I think this one is gonna be a little obvious unless we get your help.

Cameron: If anyone asks, you have eleven daughters and five sons. (Rebecca's kindergarten class enters the room and Rebecca welcomes them with open arms.)

Rebecca: It's so good to see you guys, I missed you! (one of the children open a big card that says "We Miss You" on the front and "We're happy you're not dead Miss Rebecca" on the inside.) I love you guys. (to Cameron and Chase) I wanted to thank Dr. House but he never visited again.

Cameron: He cured you, you didn't cure him.

Rebecca: (back to her students) Okay, I want a hug and a kiss from every single one of you! Get up here right now!

(House is in the clinic exam room, watching a General Hospital on his mini-TV. Wilson is sitting off to the side, reading a newspaper.)

House: You said she was your cousin. Why would you lie?

Wilson: It got you to take the case.

House: You lied to a friend to save a stranger, you don't think that's sorta screwed-up.

Wilson: You've never lied to me?

House: I never lie.

Wilson: Oh, right.

Male Doctor on TV: Why do we do this?

Female Doctor on TV: Because we're doctors. If we make mistakes, people die. (oddly enough, this is the same line Cuddy uses earlier in the show)

(A nurse comes in.)

Nurse: Dr. House? You have a patient. (She opens the blinds so House can see who it is. It's the patient from earlier that House gave the candy to.) He says he needs a refill.

House: (grins at Wilson) Got change for a dollar?

(Another lovely shot of the hospital with a chorus version of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" playing)

THE END