Season 2 X 23 : Who's Your Daddy?

Original Airdate: 5/16/2006
Written by: Charles M. Duncan, Lawrence Kaplow & John Mankiewicz
Directed by: Martha Mitchell
Transcript by: Mari

FADE IN.

[Late evening. Shot of a plane in flight.]

CUT TO:

[Inside the plane, Leona, 16, black, listens to music through headphones. Her father, Crandall, white, watches her. She removes the headphones, smiling. She has a definite New Orleans accent.]

LEONA: I know that one. I was at the studio when grandfather recorded it.

[She hands the headphones to Crandall and looks down sadly.]

CRANDALL: Thinking about your mom?

LEONA: [nods] Mama, everything, my whole life. It was all a lie. I never knew you. I never knew you were my dad.

CRANDALL: Relax, gonna be okay, Leona. You did good. You got it together. Should rather last eight months on your own. You-You're not your grandfather... or your mom. You're not gonna make the same mistakes they did. I'm proud that I'm your father.

[To Leona, Crandall's voice sounds echo-ey. Sounds of running water can be heard. She seems afraid.]

CRANDALL: [contd.] Glad I'm getting this chance.

[Leona's POV: Water is flowing under the air hostesses' feet. The air hostess comes over and says something which sounds too echo-ey to be audible. The water is now gushing in full force through the cabin door. Leona jumps up in fear, pushing the air hostess back. The water is now ankle deep.]

LEONA: [crying, panicked] We gotta go! [backing up, to the other passengers] Get outa here!

CRANDALL: Leona!

[Leona opens a cabin door, which literally opens the floodgates and engulfs the entire cabin. Leona shrieks in terror as she and the rest of the passengers are washed away.]

[CGI: Zoom into her chest to show the heart. It's beating real quick, electrical impulses shooting through it.]

[It's all a hallucination. The cabin is dry as a bone. Crandall jumps up from his seat and runs to her.]

CRANDALL: Leona!

[Leona's heartbeat can be heard. It's going mile a minute. Crandall bends over Leona's unconscious body. The air hostess comes over. Leona's heartbeat gets faster. Crandall looks around helplessly. The heartbeat stops...]

[Credits]

[House's apartment. Camera focuses on an empty Vicodin bottles as House limps around. It's pretty obvious the pain in his leg hasn't diminished. Finally, he sits down, his face betraying the excruciating pain he feels. He grabs his right thigh and massages it. Using his cane, he picks up his jacket and searches in the pockets for another bottle. He finds one and dry-swallows a few pills. He tosses the bottle aside, irritably. He gets up and resumes limping around, trying to walk off the pain. He makes a full circle around his sofa. Finally, he enters the kitchen and leans over the counter. He breathes heavily.]

CUT TO:

[Another room in House's apartment. He sets up a stepstool in front of a bookcase and with a lot of effort, gets on it. He starts throwing down books from the top shelf, until he finally finds what he's looking for - a metal lockbox. The phone begins to ring as he descends carefully, albeit in pain. He sits down and starts to open the lockbox. His answering machine answers the call.]

HOUSE'S VOICE: You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, go away, hang up, on three. One, two... [beep!]

[House opens the lockbox and puts a tourniquet around his arm.]

CUDDY'S VOICE: House, pick up. Know it's your day off, no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case.

[House couldn't care less, he picks out a syringe and a vial of morphine and proceeds to fill the syringe with the morphine.]

CUDDY'S VOICE: Sixteen-year old girl presenting with cardiogenic shock.

[House is about to inject himself in the arm.]

CUDDY'S VOICE: No heart attack.

[That's the clincher of the week! House looks up, interest writ all over his agonised face. He lowers the needle.]

CUT TO:

[Aerial shot of PPTH. Day.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH corridors. House and Cuddy walk, discussing the case. Someone's voice is heard over the PA system.]

CUDDY: Her heart looks fine. ER did a full cardiac workup, tox screen's clean, blood shows no infection...

HOUSE: All on the top page. I'm a real good reader. Personal chart handoff means there's something else. Hoping it's not personal.

CUDDY: The guy who brought the girl in. Says he knows you.

[House turns to see who it is. It's Crandall.]

CUDDY: I thought I met all your friend. [holding out a couple of files] I was also wondering if you could take a look at these, uh, when you have a chance, no hurry. It's just a couple of medical histories, uh, one with a minor cancer concern...

HOUSE: [looking at Crandall, taking the files] No problem.

[Leaving a rather surprised Cuddy, he starts walking towards Crandall. Crandall sees him and starts running towards him, excited.]

CRANDALL: G-Man!

[He's about to hug House, but stops short. House has made no motion to welcome the embrace.]

CRANDALL: You thought I was gonna do it, didn't you?

HOUSE: Do I know you?

CRANDALL: [smile fading away] C'mon, it's me, Crandall.

HOUSE: [pouting, shrugging] Doesn't ring a bell.

CRANDALL: Man, I can't believe...

HOUSE: Unless you mean Dylan Crandall, the man who would believe anything.

[Crandall smiles in relief.]

HOUSE: Y'know, I just made you believe that I...

[House starts limping along with Crandall.]

CRANDALL: You haven't changed. Heard about your leg.

HOUSE: Yeah! Pulled a hamstring playing twister. Just gonna walk it off.

[They stop in front of Leona's room.]

HOUSE: So who's the girl?

CRANDALL: Jesse Baker's granddaughter. You always said you'd give your right hand to play like him.

HOUSE: No, I said I'd give my right hand to have his left. Why is she with you?

CRANDALL: She lost her mom in Katrina. Her home, everything.

HOUSE: [mock impressed] Wow!

CRANDALL: And I'm her father.

[House looks at him and then looks at her, with his eyes half shut, as if to focus.]

HOUSE: Hmm. Yeah, she looks just like you. Got the same 'fro.

CRANDALL: I wrote a book about Baker. Hung out with him. His daughter...

HOUSE: That is how babies are made.

CRANDALL: I never knew, she never knew. Her mom lied for sixteen years.

HOUSE: It's unbelievable.

CRANDALL: Yeah.

HOUSE: Seriously, I don't believe it.

CRANDALL: Her mom was pissed at me about my book. I trashed her and her dad. She wouldn't talk to me. Obviously, she's not gonna tell Leona that...

HOUSE: ...You're a sucker. You always were.

[He starts limping away.]

CRANDALL: [calling out] Does that mean you're not gonna help her?

[House turns around.]

HOUSE: Why wouldn't I? She's not scamming me.

[He limps off, leaving Crandall confusedly looking at Leona.]

CUT TO:

[Diagnostics Office. House limps around as the Ducklings go over Leona's history.]

CHASE: Acute myocardial infarction?

HOUSE: ER said no. Retest.

CAMERON: Wolfe-[?]-White Syndrome?

HOUSE: ER said no. Retest. And read the damn file.

CAMERON: You just gave 'em to us.

FOREMAN: Kelso [?] wave on the EKG looks...

HOUSE: It's all a no! Everything about her heart is healthy.

CAMERON: She's a Katrina victim.

HOUSE: She's better than Crandall. He's a "Katrina victim" victim.

CHASE: I don't think she was expecting your sympathy. I think her point was New Orleans was a third-world country. Toxins, mould, sewage in the streets.

HOUSE: What if her heart is like my bike? Runs like crap when I'm by myself. I take it to the mechanic, runs great.

FOREMAN: An arrhythmia. One-time event.

CAMERON: What're we gonna do? Keep her in a room on a cardiac monitor, till she has another arrhythmia. That could be weeks...

[House bends over and starts pressing on his right thigh.]

CAMERON: ...months!

HOUSE: Relax.

[Cameron notices he's in pain.]

HOUSE: I happen to know she's gonna have one right after lunch. We're golden!

CAMERON: You can't induce an arrhythmia in someone whose heart nearly gave out forty-eight hours ago.

HOUSE: Sure you can. It's kinda technical, just stick all these cool little wires inside her...

CAMERON: I mean, you shouldn't.

HOUSE: Oh right. 'Cause it would be much more ethical to let it happen in an uncontrolled setting. Just always a team of cardiologists having lunch at the next table. This is 'Jersey. [limps around] She's a minor. Gonna need consent.

CAMERON: [rolling her eyes, closing the file, getting up] I'll go talk to him.

HOUSE: Oh! That's an excellent plan. You'll give him the form and tell him it's wrong and dangerous.

CAMERON: [calm] I can handle a simple consent form.

HOUSE: Okay. I'll be Crandall. [imitating Crandall's accent] Dr. Cameron...

FOREMAN: House, from what you say, this guy would trust...

HOUSE: [as House] Are you in this scene? [To Cameron] Go.

CAMERON: [as if to Crandall] I need to talk to about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.

HOUSE: [as Crandall] "Like to do"? This fun for you?

CAMERON: He's not you, he's not gonna mock you.

HOUSE: [as House] Just stay in character. [as Crandall, voice breaking] I'm so scared... Hold me.

CAMERON: [ignoring "Crandall's" request] In order to figure out whcih circuit is misfiring, we need to map all the electrical activity in her heart.

HOUSE: Swear to me on the Bible you'd do this if it was your kid. [no answer from Cameron] Goodbye.

[He limps out. Cameron looks unbelievingly at the guys.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH Waiting Area. House and Crandall are seated on couches, as House speaks to Crandall about consent.]

HOUSE: To map the electrical pathways in her heart, we send electricity through each one-at-a-time, till one fails.

CRANDALL: Sounds dangerous.

HOUSE: It's a risk I'm prepared to take.

CRANDALL: If she's got an electrical problem, couldn;t more electricity blow her whole system?

HOUSE: Wow, you've been watching Bill Nye, the Science Guy. Test is perfectly safe. We do it everyday...

[Crandall considers it and nods. He picks up the consent form and prepares to sign.]

HOUSE: ...And you believe me.

CRANDALL: [looks up, confused] I shouldn't do the test?

HOUSE: It's crazy dangerous.

[Crandall drops the consent form on the table in frustration. He wants to say something but stops.]

HOUSE: Just sign the damn form.

[Crandall puts his head in his hands. House takes out a tissue from the tissue-box and holds it out for Crandall.]

CRANDALL: I'm not crying. I can handle this.

HOUSE: Then blow yur nose. I need DNA from somewhere.

CRANDALL: You're not running a paternity test.

HOUSE: She's gonna stay around, just long enough to get your bank account and credit card numbers and she's gonna be off with her next daddy.

CRANDALL: With what she's been through, why would you assume...?

HOUSE: Because of what she's been through.

CRANDALL: Because that's your default position. Always has been.

HOUSE: Because she's still alive. Raised by a junkie, living on the streets, that tends to kick the sweetness out of you.

CRANDALL: Figured you'd have mellowed.

HOUSE: That's because you're an idiot.

CRANDALL: If I let you do the test, it means I don't trust her.

HOUSE: No, it means I don't trust her.

[Crandall angrily puts the tissue in his jacket pocket and signs the consent form.]

CUT TO:

[Electrophysiology Lab. Leona is lying on a bed, while Foreman administers anaesthesia.]

LEONA: One hundred...ninety-nine......ninetuh-eeeee.....

CHASE: She's out!

CAMERON: [over the radio] Heart rhythmn's normal. Insert the first catheter.

[Chase starts pushing the catheter into Leona's artery.]

CHASE: I'm in.

[CGI: Zoom into Leona's chest and into her beating heart. The catheter threads passes by red blood cells.]

CAMERON: [vo] All heart rhythmn's till normal.

CHASE: [vo] Gonna zap it here.

[Chase picks up an electrical instrument and switches it on.]

CAMERON: [over radio] Send the first electrical pulse.

[Chase does so. On the monitor, Leona's heart beat increases slightly.]

CHASE: Sinoatrial node is normal.

[In the observation deck, House and Cameron watch a 3D representation of Leona's heart. An electrical pulse is shown going through a catheter into the sinoatrial node.]

HOUSE: [over radio, to Chase] Next!

[Chase hits another button. In the 3D imahe, a pulse goes through another catheter into the atrioventricular node. This time, Leona grimaces and tilts her head to the side, The monitor starts beeping and her heart rate starts to rise.]

CHASE: Got supraventricular tachycardia.

FOREMAN: Stop the current.

HOUSE: [over radio] Is she hallucinating?

CHASE: IV-push stat 12.5 of [?]!

CAMERON: She's crashing. BP's plummeting.

[On the monitor, Leona's heart rate and BP have dropped appreciably.]

HOUSE: [over radio] Foreman, is-she-hallucinating?

[Foreman looks at her brain waves and sees no change.]

FOREMAN: No. Normal waves.

HOUSE: The AV node is not the bad pathway. What that was was a heart attack. Reset her so we can find the real problem.

[Foreman gets the defibrillator paddles ready.]

FOREMAN: Charging. Clear!

[He zaps her. Leona's vitals stabilize. Cameron sighs in relief.]

CHASE: Normal rhythmn.

HOUSE: [over radio] Chase. High right atrium, please.

CHASE: [looks up at House] Her heart's fragile after that last attack. Chances of tachycardia...

HOUSE: [over radio] You have my permission to blame Foreman at any negligence trial.

[Foreman glares at House. Chase gives up arguing and resumes work.]

CAMERON: [over radio] Send the electrical pulse.

[Chase presses the button marked "AV2". In the 3D image, the pulse travels near the coronary sinus. The brain wave monitor starts beeping showing marked increases. Leona grimaces again in her unconscious state.]

FOREMAN: That's the one. She's hallucinating.

CHASE: It's near the coronary sinus.

HOUSE: [over radio] Freeze it.

[Chase presses the "Cryo" button.]

[CGI: A small spiral comes out of the catheter and starts to freeze the nearby areas.]

CHASE: Damaged heart muscle gone. Cryo-ablation complete.

FOREMAN: EEG's back to normal. No hallucinations.

HOUSE: [over radio] She'll be fine by breakfast.

CUT TO:

[Cuddy's office. House enters, holding a manila envelope.]

HOUSE: [looking at the envelope] Hoo! Interesting reading.

CUDDY: [hesitant] Those are my top two choices for sperm donors. I wanted your medical opinion on genetics.

HOUSE: [tossing the envelope on her desk] They're losers.

CUDDY: Ahh... Medically or ...?

HOUSE: Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing. 613's been practising medicine for five minutes, calls himself a healer. Loves Mozart.

CUDDY: I'm not going dancing with him. I'm looking for healthy sperm. He's got four living grandparents.

HOUSE: Who they are? What they do? That doesn't matter?

CUDDY: I'm leaning towards 613.

HOUSE: Oh sure. Go with the Jewish number.

CUDDY: 1284 has a cousin that tested positive for the Brocker [?] gene.

HOUSE: But his mother was negative, which means so's your baby...

CUDDY: What about the...?

HOUSE: [?] factor on the dad's side's not a problem. Because the dad's mom did not carry the thalissima gene. Bigger issue is the jerk in poser jeans. His mozart lie...

CUDDY: People can't like classical music?

HOUSE: You're designing a kid? A loser kid. He's already getting pummelled at recess.

CUDDY: [challenging, picks up a bunch of files] Here! Knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kids. [dumps them on House's lap] And thanks for your help.

[She leaves.]

HOUSE: Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just 'cause they haven't found the gene yet...

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. Leona is asleep. She has electrodes still stuck to her head.]

DISEMBODIED VOICE: [Southern accent] Can I have some water please? [coughs] Hello?

[Leona slowly stirs awake.]

DISEMBODIED VOICE: [frantic] I just need some water. [coughs] Is anyone there?

[Leona gets off the bed and slowly opens the curtain to see into the next room. What she sees is a bloated female corpse with water pouring out of it.]

LEONA: [scared] Mama?

[She starts to cry as water starts flowing across her ankles.]

CUT TO:

[Same room. She jerks awake. She gets up and screams at the top of her voice. It was another hallucination.]

CUT TO:

[Outside diagnostics office. House limps around the corridor, trying to walk off his pain.]

CUT TO:

[Diagnostics office.]

CAMERON: Second hallucination means we didn't fix her heart. Maybe we missed something.

CHASE: Her heart's fine. If she hallucinated, it wasn't caused by her heart.

FOREMAN: If? The screaming, the floundering... it was a hallucination.

[House quickly opens the glass door and stands there.]

HOUSE: What if it wasn't a hallucination?

CAMERON: We covered the...

HOUSE: Not finished. What if it was an atypical seizure?

FOREMAN: [scoffs] Seizure? She saw her mother. Mother's dead! Ergo, hallucination.

[House closes the door and resumes limping around.]

CHASE: Anyone wanna explain that?

CAMERON: His leg hurts. Walking takes his mind off of it.

[House enters and stands at the door again.]

HOUSE: Flashback! All that wind and rain from the hurricane. Post-traumatic stress syndrome.

CAMERON: Why are you so bent on her not having a hallucination?

HOUSE: If she did have a hallucination, then the heart problem, that we predicted, found and fixed, is just a gigantic coincidence.

[No reply from the Ducklings forthcoming, he resumes limping in the corridor.]

CHASE: His leg always hurts.

CAMERON: It's getting worse.

HOUSE: [shouting from outside, attracting stares from passers-by] What if the heart isn't a coincidence and isn't what caused the hallucination?

[Once again, he enters and stands at the door.]

HOUSE: The arrythmia hurts. What if her hallucination was caused by pain? What if she has a disease that translates pain into bizarre physiological response like a hallucination.

CAMERON: She has an autoimmune disease. She needs a CRP, a rheumatoid factor...

HOUSE: I can prove an autoimmune disease in five minutes. She needs a PET scan.

FOREMAN: You can't test for autoimmune in a PET...

HOUSE: Proving that her hallucinations are consistent response to the pain, which proves that she has an autoimmune disease.

CAMERON: How do you test someone's response to pain?

HOUSE: Easy. Hurt them!

[The Ducklings exchange worried glances.]

CUT TO:

[PET scan. House is strapping Leona to the gurney. His voice is normal, but the surroundings make him sound quite scary.]

HOUSE: It's not gonna hurt at all. We just need to make sure you don't move.

LEONA: I won't.

HOUSE: Okay, gimme your arm. [takes her arm] Let's check the muscle responses.

[He squeezes her arm at different places.]

HOUSE: Okay, turn it over. Palm upward.

[He turns her arm so her palm faces him. He reaches offscreen and picks up something.]

HOUSE: Everything okay?

LEONA: [scared] Yeah.

[House pricks her thumb with a needle. She cries out and jerks her arm away.]

[In the observation room, Crandall and Foreman watch.]

CRANDALL: What the hell was that?

FOREMAN: Diagnostic test. [over radio, to House] Cerebral cortex responding normally. She's not hallucinating.

HOUSE: [to Leona] You know he's not your father, don't you?

CRANDALL: [firm] He's my dad. Mama told me.

HOUSE: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.

[As he speaks, he pricks her in the thigh. She yells out in pain.]

CRANDALL: [over radio] House, leave her alone!

HOUSE: C'mon, we both know it's a hustle. Are the walls closing in?

LEONA: [crying] No, why are you doing this?

HOUSE: Spiders coming out of my nose?

LEONA: [frantic] Let me out!

FOREMAN: [over radio] House, the test is over. Dorsolateral prefrontal cortex looks fine.

HOUSE: [ignoring him] Gimme your hand.

LEONA: No! [pulls it away]

HOUSE: [forcibly grabbing her hand] Gimme your hand!

[He grabs her middle finger and starts pulling it backwards. Leona shrieks out in pain.]

HOUSE: Forget him. He's not the perfect mark. Because he was the perfect mark. Plenty of people got there before you. He's used up! Tainted. Pumped dry.

[Suddenly, Leona starts screaming even more, looking at House's face.]

[Leona's POV: House's face starts to swell and the skin starts to melt off. Gross!!]

FOREMAN: [over radio] She's hallucinating.

[Leona continues to scream loudly in terror. House smiles in victory.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH corridor. House walks with the Ducklings. He is going over the test results.]

CAMERON: She's lost everything and you're breaking her finger. A new low.

HOUSE: Diagnostically, she needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win. What I didn't consider was the threshold that triggered the hallucinations. Otherwise, I would have done the finger-bending first, instead of stabbing her twice. That was cruel!

[He hits the elevator switch.]

CAMERON: For an autoimmune disease this advanced, usual treatment is not gonna help.

FOREMAN: You don't even know which autoimmune disease she has. Could be Lambert-Eaton's, could be Grey's...

HOUSE: Great! Let's kill 'em all at once.

CAMERON: The only way to do that is replace her entire immune system.

HOUSE: Good point. Let's do that.

[The elevator door opens and House enters. There's an orderly, attending to a patient in a gurney, inside.]

CHASE: Bone marrow transplant requires an exact match. Leona has no siblings.

HOUSE: Good point! She's all alone, poor thing. No one in the whole wide world.

[The elevator door closes.]

CUT TO:

[House's office. He removes a CD from a Jesse Baker biography and inserts it into his CD player. The music starts playing as House opens the book. He seems very much interested in the music. Suddenly, Jesse's angry voice comes can be heard.]

JESSE BAKER: [sounding slurred] I asked for this tuned! Can you get this instrument tuned?

[Crandall enters.]

CRANDALL: My daughter needs bone marrow. Why are you lookin at bone marrow registry?

[House turns off the music.]

HOUSE: Because that's where they keep the bone marrow.

CRANDALL: I'm her father!

HOUSE: How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a non-fictional writer?

CRANDALL: Test my bone marrow.

HOUSE: Here's how this is gonna end. One day, you'll be sitting at your computer writing one of little music books and your daughter will come home with a big angry policeman, who'll throw you in jail because "Daddy touched my poozle!".

CRANDALL: Test me!

HOUSE: Happy to.

CRANDALL: Just my marrow. I'm not authorising a paternity test.

HOUSE: You're that afraid of the truth?

CRANDALL: [insistent] I know the truth!

HOUSE: "Easy Lay" Faye's truth was that she needed a bus to get home to see her sick grandma. You gave her a hundred bucks. She hopped weed. I know because I told her you'd go for the sick grandma story.

CRANDALL: If our friendship means anything to you...

HOUSE: Come on, do you know me at all?

CRANDALL: If you do the test, one of two things happens. Either you're right or I'm right. If you're right, I'll be miserable. And if I'm right, I'll hate myself 'cause I didn;t trust her. Either way, I lose.

[House sighs.]

CUT TO:

[Clinic. House is looking at a patient - a smiling kid (around 7 or so) removing his shirt to expose a bright red streak on his face, and torso. His mother's also there.]

MOTHER: They don't itch. Not Reye's.

[House looks at the mother. He gets off his stool and walks over to the washbasin.]

MOTHER: He's had his MMR. No one's sick at school. His father took him camping.

KID: We caught two spidelers!

MOTHER: [looking at her son in horror] You didn't tell me about the spider...

HOUSE: Get a new couch?

MOTHER: You think there might be some sort of toxin...?

HOUSE: What colour is it?

KID: Red.

[House walks over to the kid, with a wet towel. Mother looks puzzled.]

HOUSE: Is that where you watch your cartoons after you take your bath?

KID: [enthusiasitically] Mm-hmm!

[House uses the wet towel to wipe off the red streak. It's not all gone, but he shows the mother the red stain on the towel. Mother looks positively sheepish.]

HOUSE: Fall asleep sometimes?

KID: [sneezes] Yes.

HOUSE: Bless you.

[Cuddy enters, standing at the door.]

CUDDY: Need you. Now.

HOUSE: [deep voice] Yes, mistress.

[Cuddy leaves with an annoyed look. The kid laughs.]

HOUSE: [holding up the towel to sheepish mother] I'll write you a prescription for one of these. Just wet and apply.

[He limps out, as the mother smiles in embarrassment and starts wiping the dye off her son's body.]

CUT TO:

[Cuddy's office. House enters. Cuddy's waiting for him.]

CUDDY: You didn't tell anyone else what I'm doing?

HOUSE: Not a soul.

[Cuddy seems relieved and turns to her desk, but turns around again.]

CUDDY: Wilson?

[House shakes his head. Cuddy starts closing the blinds in her office.]

CUDDY: Cameron? Maybe you mentioned it to her?

HOUSE: No. I'm-I'm a really good secret-keeper. I never told anybody that Wilson wets his bed. Oh, you tricked me.

CUDDY: Part of the protocol of in vitro fertilization is twice daily injections of menotropins [?].

[She goes over to her desk and pulls out a syringe and a vial.]

CUDDY: I can't do it myself.

[She looks pleadingly at House. House takes the needle and vial.]

HOUSE: Turn around.

CUDDY: No clever comments about bending over?

HOUSE: Unless you want me too.

[She lifts up her skirt to expose her right buttock.]

CUDDY: [chuckling] Not used to House, the professional.

[House, the thorough professional, takes his time, ogling... sorry, examining the well-toned butt of Lisa Cuddy.]

HOUSE: I was... thinking about what your mother looked like. But your father obviously chose her for breeding purposes.

CUDDY: [annoyed] Shut up!

HOUSE: Natural selection sucks.

[He tears open the vial's paper cover with his teeth.]

HOUSE: We pick mates based on breast size, cars they drive. They did an autopsy on some married couples, found a correlation in pancreas size.

[House rubs Cuddy's rear with alcohol.]

HOUSE: Hard-wired to pick for stupid reasons. You have the chance to pick for smart reasons.

CUDDY: I think the Germans had a similar theory about sixty years ago.

HOUSE: I'm not advocating wiping out entire races, I'm just saying...

[House is still slowly rubbing the alcohol.]

HOUSE: You don't wanna make with the first plastic cup that buys you a drink.

[Cuddy looks over to her behind, seeing House still rubbing alcohol on it.]

CUDDY: Pretty sure you thought that.

HOUSE: [re: the alcohol] Microbes can be sneaky.

[Cuddy smiles. House gives her a quick jab with the needle.]

CUDDY: Ow!

[He pulls out the needle and she drops her skirt down.]

CUDDY: Thanks.

HOUSE: Twice a day... [holds up another syringe] It's gonna be fun.

[Cuddy awkwardly takes the needle from him.]

CUT TO:

[Terrestrial shot of PPTH.]

CUT TO:

[Radiation lab. Leona is undergoing radiation. House and another tech are watching. Wilson enters.]

WILSON: [to tech] I got it.

[The tech leaves the room, while Wilson takes his place.]

WILSON: So why were you friends with this guy?

HOUSE: We were twenty years old. He had a car. If he'd been a woman, I would have married him.

WILSON: [nods] Is he a match?

HOUSE: No. Lying girl lucked out. We found one in the registry.

WILSON: Is he the dad?

HOUSE: I don't think so.

WILSON: You didn't run the test?

HOUSE: Said I wouldn't.

WILSON: Okay. So either you lied or... he has pictures of you being nice?

[House, looking at Leona, suddenly stands up.]

HOUSE: Stop the radiation!

[A beeping is heard. House and Wilson run over to Leona and look at her.]

WILSON: What the hell is that?

[There is a black gooey fluid coming out of Leona's mouth. Yuck!]

HOUSE: I have no idea.

CUT TO:

[PPTH corridors. House is trying once again to limp away his pain. The Ducklings approach.]

CHASE: [holding up a file] Lab results from the black ooze. You're not gonna believe it.

HOUSE: She pooped out of her mouth.

[The Ducklings put on their usual "How-the-hell-did-he-know?" look.]

CAMERON: The sample contains stool and digested blood. How did you guess?

[He limps about, with the Ducklings following.]

HOUSE: You said "oozed". If it was in her stomach, it would have sprayed. If it was in her lungs, she would have coughed. This "oozed" as in "squeezed" as in "reverse peristalsis". Who's hungry? Mexican take-out?

CHASE: Not if her digested blood to be in her intestine, she had to have internal bleeding.

CAMERON: And for whatever was in her intestines to come back up, there had to be a blockage.

FOREMAN: Liver failure. Renal proteins - they clot the blood, so it would leak into her stomach, mess up her intestines.

HOUSE: In spooks, we were wrong. There was no autoimmune disease shuts down an organ in two hours. We need to do a liver biopsy. Find out what the real problem is.

[The Ducklings go off, while House limps around.]

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. Crandall is there with Leona. The door opens and Crandall looks behind. It's House.]

HOUSE: [quietly] Hey, need to talk to you.

[Crandall gets up and goes out with House. House takes a look at Leona and shuts the door.]

CUT TO:

[In front of the wall-fountain. Crandall looks beat and worried.]

HOUSE: Good news is, she doesn't have an autoimmune condition. So she doesn't need a bone marrow transplant. We were able to stop the radiation in time. Bad news is, she has potty mouth. Her liver is failing. She's made her digestive system go in reverse. It's actually much worse than it sounds. [beat] We need to do a liver biopsy. I know what's gonna happen. When we stick a needle into her liver, she could die right then and there.

CRANDALL: You here to tell me what to do?

HOUSE: No inside information on this one. Crandall, three days ago, you didn't even know this girl. She'd been hit by a bus, you wouldn't lose a moment's sleep. There are people all over this hospital in just as much trouble, just as not related to you.

CRANDALL: Telling me I shouldn't care? Prepping me to handle it when she dies?

[House looks at him, saying nothing.]

CUT TO:

[House's office. House listens to Jesse Baker's music. Wilson enters, eating his lunch. He sets his lunch on House's desk. House seems interested in the lunch.]

HOUSE: It's brown, it's lumpy. I'm gonna heave all over my desk.

WILSON: [taunting] Chicken Moulet [I think]. Twenty-one herbs and spices.

[House reaches over to taste it, but Wilson snatches it away.]

WILSON: [while eating] I find it very comforting, you defending a man you've never seen in years. To know my friend, no matter, what will always be champion, my protector.

HOUSE: I'm not protecting him, I'm smacking her.

WILSON: Modesty of a true hero.

HOUSE: Push me and I'll let her die. Just so you'll stop annoying me.

[House again tries to snatch the lunch, but Wilson is faster in moving out of his reach.]

WILSON: Here's my theory. You're jealous. He's maturing, he's accepting responsibility, you're emotionally stuck at seventeen.

HOUSE: He's manufacturing responsibility. He's not maturing. He hasn't changed at all.

WILSON: So then why do you care?

HOUSE: That black ooze we saw. That was a bowel movement.

[Wilson, in the middle of taking a mouthful of food, slows down.]

HOUSE: Out of her mouth.

WILSON: You're trying to end this conversation by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist. Half my patients have their skin sloughing off.

[He gets off the chair and walks around, still eating.]

WILSON: Why are you so worried about this guy?

HOUSE: He was having a rough time with his girlfriend. He was in love. He's always in love. Wanted to marry her. I thought she was flaky. Sending mixed signals.

WILSON: So you gave him advice and she dumped him.

HOUSE: Noo. I... told him I would talk to her.

WILSON: And you blew it?

HOUSE: [sheepish] Technically...

[He makes a sign for "the other way around".]

HOUSE: I was doing him a favour. She was nuts!

[Wilson, in disgust, jabs the fork in the chicken and dumps the plate on House's desk. He leaves. House waits a moment, then rolls his chair back and resumes playing Jesse Baker's music. He then starts eating Wilson's lunch, while listening to the music. After a short while, he rolls his chair to the CD player and puts off the music. And it's time for Epiphany of the Week!]

CUT TO:

[Operation Room. Chase and Foreman are conducting the biopsy. Chase is inserting the biopsy needle into Leona's back, while Foreman holds the scanner. In the ultrasound monitor, the needle is getting closer and closer to Leona's liver. Suddenly, Foreman's beeper goes off. A nurse gets it out for him and holds it out for him to see. He turns to Chase.]

FOREMAN: Stop the biopsy.

[As seen in the ultrasound monitor, the needle is just inches away from the liver when it stops.]

CHASE: I'm right at her liver.

FOREMAN: It's House. He says stop.

CUT TO:

[House's office. House is listening to Jesse Baker on his headphones, when the Ducklings enter. He removes the headphones. He has a phonograph machine with JB's music playing on it.]

HOUSE: Check it out.

FOREMAN: Oh, please tell me you didn't stop the biopsy to play us some tunes.

HOUSE: The left hand is very subtle. Very delicate.

CAMERON: This girl is dying.

HOUSE: Dying a lot faster if I let you do that obviously unnecessary biopsy. Now listen.

[As before, Jesse's angry, slurring voice comes over the music.]

JESSE: I asked for this tuned! Can you get this instrument tuned?

FOREMAN: [frustrated] My God! Grandpa was an angry drunk! If only we'd known!

[House puts off the music.]

HOUSE: Here's how to become a great artist. First, get miserable. Misery drives you to become a great artist. The art does nothing for your misery, which drives you to drugs, which makes you a lousy artist. And this is not lousy.

[House puts the music back on.]

CHASE: You're saying he didn't do drugs?

HOUSE: Not when he played this. Something was screwing with his personality.

FOREMAN: Yeah! Drugs and alcohol don't do that!

HOUSE: And that note, that he says is out of tune, is not. Which means that something is screwing with his oral perception too. Now what happens when you add all of that to the liver disease, which he supposedly died of.

CAMERON: Too much iron. He could have had hemochromatosis. That's genetic.

FOREMAN: Unless you can tell me Miles Davis couldn't play stoned...

HOUSE: Played better when he wasn't. I think, I mean, no one knows for sure.

CAMERON: I'll get her on a TIVC and serum ferradin [I think].

[Cameron starts to head out.]

HOUSE: We can test this in three minutes. He gets up and picks up Jesse Baker's biography. He leaves.]

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. House enters, followed by the Ducklings. Leona is still unconscious.]

HOUSE: So what is she, Foreman? Light-skinned black chick or dark-skinned white chick?

FOREMAN: Not sure. Can we hear the music again?

CHASE: It's too early to see jaundice from eleven.

HOUSE: True.

[He holds out JB's biography, with a page dedicated to Leona."

HOUSE: This is a photograph of Leona whe she was thirteen years old. She's darker now.

CAMERON: She's been living in the streets for eight months.

[House exposes Leona's torso.]

HOUSE: No tan line. So unless those streets she's been living on are indoor streets, I'm thinking she's got high deposits of melanin, both by-products of hemochromatosis, just like granddad used to make.

[Cameron smiles.]

HOUSE: SQUID exam to calculate the amount of iron in her blood. And treat her with desferoxamine. She'll be fine by lunch. See, if was wrong before... about the breakfast.

[He leaves.]

CUT TO:

[MRI lab. Leona is undergoing an MRI. Foreman looks over the results.]

FOREMAN: [to himself] There's the iron.

CUT TO:

[Cuddy's office. House is in Cuddy's chair, conducting an interview. He seems disinterested and bored, making the interviewee nervous.]

INTERVIEWEE: I'm not gonna get this job, am I?

HOUSE: It's a done deal! I knew it the moment I saw you. Interview's just a formality.

[Cuddy enters, as usual wondering what House is doing in her office.]

CUDDY: House! What are you...

HOUSE: Lisa Cuddy. This is Patrick Winneham. Patrick's gonna be the new intern, rotating in my department.

[Patrick smiles at Cuddy.]

CUDDY: I... didn't even know you were looking for one. Nice to meet you.

[She holds out her hand for a handshake. Patrick shakes her hand, laughing with a pig-like grunt.]

PATRICK: Sorry, I laugh when I'm nervous.

HOUSE: Bet you've been doing that your whole life, huh?

[House hands Patrick's form to Cuddy.]

CUDDY: What kind of medicine are you interested in, Patrick?

PATRICK: Cancer! Infectious disease. The big devils.

[Cuddy looks at him, skeptically.]

PATRICK: [over-enthusiastic] I think that medicine has become too institutionalized. We need to send a message to our patients that we're just like them, I mean, we're all people.

[House is trying his level best to act like he cares. Patrick looks at them nervously, after he finishes.]

HOUSE: [mock-impressed] "We're all people". Pfch! I like that.

[Patrick laughs and grunts. House and Cuddy look at him.]

HOUSE: She's all hard-science, facts. I like to know a person's hopes and dreams. What kind of music do you like, Patrick...?

CUDDY: [wait a minute!] Actually, I'm...

HOUSE: I'm a Mozart man. [with a bit too much feeling] He says what I feel... but can't express.

[Cuddy gets it and shoots House a glare.]

CUDDY: I'm late for a meeting.

[She goes over to where House is sitting and starts picking up her files.]

HOUSE: You see, this is why the face-to-face interview is so important. Gotta know who you're getting in bed with.

[Patrick seems to agree. Cuddy, on the other hand, decides now's a great time to open the desk's front drawer all the way out, enough to let House have it right in the lower stomach. House shuts up. Cuddy picks something out of the drawer and closes it. She leans in close to House.]

CUDDY: [quietly] Get him outa here.

[House watches her leave and looks ominously at poor Patrick.]

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. Chase sets up the desferoxamine IV drip for Leona, while Crandall watches.]

CHASE: Desferoxamine is a chelating agent. Binds to the iron, so that the liver can get rid of it. Once the iron's out of the liver, it's finally evacuated by the body in the form of urine.

[Crandall looks as if Chase may well be talking about nuclear physics.]

CHASE: Should be quick and painless.

[CGI: The camera moves along the IV drip and zooms into Leona's chest, to show the badly damaged lungs. Red blood cells, interspersed with some green stuff and massive foreign particles, travel through the alveoli. The foreign particles bust through the walls of the alveoli, making it look like swiss cheese.]

[Leona's monitor starts beeping. Chase seems surprised. leona starts gasping for breath.]

CHASE: Leona?

CRANDALL: [panicky] What's happening?

CHASE: Crash cart! She's not getting any air!

[Leona's neck is arched upwards, while she coughs. Two orderlies bring in a crash cart. Chase removes Leona's pillow from underneath her head and starts to intubate.]

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. Later. Leona has been stabilized and is unconscious. Crandall sits by her side, holding her hand.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH waiting area. The Ducklings are sitting on the couches there, while House limps about.]

CHASE: CT showed her lungs are swiss cheese. Ventilator's helping, but at this rate, her time is basically up.

HOUSE: We developed a theory. Hemochromatosis. Like good scientists, we tested that theory. We proved that theory. We acted based on that proof and we treated her. As a result of which she's on the verge of death. Is it just me or have we discovered a flaw in a scientific method? Walk me through it, step-by-step. What is supposed to happen when you give someone desferoxamine?

CAMERON: It's a chelating agent.

HOUSE: What does the chelating do?

CHASE: Removes excess iron from the liver.

HOUSE: How?

CHASE: The iron is heavy. Gets stuck. Desferoxamine is like a lubricant. Makes the iron slick so it can move around again.

HOUSE: Moves around where?

CHASE: Supposed to be discharged through waste.

HOUSE: Her waste system is a little screwy right now. Means the iron can't go where it wants to go. What if it moved to her lungs?

FOREMAN: What happens when her lungs likes iron, bound with it, started poking holes.

[House stops limping and takes a seat across them.]

HOUSE: What likes iron?

CHASE: Oxygen attaches itself to the iron which increases the chance of infection.

[House massages his leg.]

FOREMAN: We started massive antibiotics prior to the radiation.

CAMERON: [arguing] Some neuro-degenerative diseases like iron.

CHASE: [refuting] MRI was clean. No iron deposits on the brain.

FOREMAN: Fungus likes iron.

[A beat.]

HOUSE: No objections to that one?

CHASE: If a fungus is doing all this, she's dead. There are twenty-five antifungals, if we don't know which fungus...

HOUSE: When in doubt, go broad.

[He checks his watch.]

CAMERON: Most common is aspergillis.

HOUSE: Continue to ventilate her lungs. Get her on a voriconazole drip and... hope she has aspergillis.

[He limps away.]

CUT TO:

[Clinic. House is waiting there with a syringe. Cuddy enters. She seems a bit bemused as she closes the door.]

CUDDY: The process is confidential. You violated his privacy.

[She lifts up her skirt and bends over (for the injection!!! No funny ideas...).]

CUDDY: How did you even...?

[He prepares to administer the injection in the same place as before (lucky son-of-a-*****!!).]

HOUSE: I looked up "loser" in the cryo-bank. Wouldn't go within a hundred miles of that idiot. And you're willing to have his baby.

CUDDY: I'm not looking for a date. I'm tired of looking...

[House jabs the needle into her butt.]

CUDDY: Ow!

[House finishes up and Cuddy straightens up. House hands her a cotton ball.]

HOUSE: Cotton ball?

[Cuddy takes it.]

HOUSE: I don't care if you marry this guy, date this guy or go through his garbage, but you should know... Genes matter! Who you are matters. Find somebody you trust.

CUDDY: Someone like you?

HOUSE: Someone you like.

[He leaves. Cuddy seems thoughtful.]

CUT TO:

[Wide shot of PPTH. Day.]

CUT TO:

[House's office. The blinds are drawn. Wilson enters.]

WILSON: Listen... oh, sorry! Okay!

[What Wilson sees is House sitting pantless on his bookcase, with a young girl moving back and forth in front of his groin.]

HOUSE: [not like he cares] It's not what you think.

MASSEUSE: [Swedish accent] I rub hees leg.

WILSON: Oh, Ingrid. [okay] Hi.

[Ingrid continues her work as Wilson speaks.]

WILSON: Okay, you feel guilty about stealing the guy's girl, I get that, and I'm glad. It's a good thing. But you did the paternity test. And either the paternity test comes back negative and you shove it in the guy's face or... it comes back positive and you shut up and your leg starts hurting.

HOUSE: Or I never ran the test.

[Cameron enters. House makes a preemptive strike.]

HOUSE: Not what you think!

CAMERON: Leona's lung's collapsed. The treatment's not working. We got the wrong fungus.

[She leaves.]

HOUSE: [to Ingrid] Stop. She ruined it.

[Wilson smiles as he leaves.]

CUT TO:

[Diagnostics office.]

HOUSE: Three rules for hunting fungus. Location, location, location.

CHASE: Crandall says she was living at the children's shelter in Ridgeland.

HOUSE: Okay. The one thing we know for sure is she was not living at the children's shelter at Ridgeland.

FOREMAN: Why would he lie about that?

HOUSE: He wouldn't. He'd believe her story about the sweet little girl trying to do the right thing.

CAMERON: We can't ask Leona where she was. She's intubated.

[House considers it.]

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. House injects something into Leona's IV. Leona stirs awake.]

LEONA: [muffled by oxygen mask] What happened...?

HOUSE: Don't talk. You got a big... medical thing in your mouth. Just blink if you understand me.

[Leona blinks slowly.]

HOUSE: Fantastic. Blink if you lied to Crandall about everything.

[No blink.]

HOUSE: You picked up a fungus somewhere. If you were living in the shelter like you told you new daddy, [shrugs] I got nothing to go on. And you will die. So, did-you-lie-to-Crandall?

[No blink.]

HOUSE: You're a lousy con artist. First rule of the game is to know your mark. Once you got Crandall to bit on the papa thing, you had him. You coulda told him that you were servicing Al-Qaeda suicide bombers for crack, the guy would still let you pick out the colours in your new room. [stern] Did-you-lie-to- Crandall?

[Leona's eyes glisten with tears, and then she slowly blinks. House sees it and picks up a nearby notepad and pen. He picks up Leona's right hand and places the pen in it.]

HOUSE: Where were you?

[Leona writes, without looking.]

CUT TO:

[PPTH corridor. House comes out of the ICU, holding the pad. The glass doors open automatically as he exits. He meets the Ducklings.]

HOUSE: [holding up the pad, dramatically] And the winner is... Oh, you read it. I just get so nervous with these things.

[He hands the pad over to Cameron, who seems fairly amused.]

CAMERON: [reading] "Recording studio".

HOUSE: She read the book. She knew how much Crandall hated that place, what went on there. She over- played her hand.

CAMERON: She was desperate. She didn't sell this, she was stuck in hell.

CHASE: Recording studio doesn't help us medically?

HOUSE: Recording studios... why are these buildings different from all other buildings?

CAMERON: Sound-proofing. To absorb sound, also absorbs moisture.

HOUSE: Where there is moisture, a lot of it, say Katrina moist...

FOREMAN: Zygomycosis. Only occurs at the highest levels of mold.

HOUSE: Start her on an IV drip for amphotericin B with colony-stimulating factors. She'll be fine by... dinner.

[The Ducklings get to work as he leaves.]

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. Foreman is administering the IV drip to Leona as Crandall watches.]

FOREMAN: [reassuring] She's gonna be fine.

CRANDALL: She said she'd never go back there.

FOREMAN: [smiling] She lied to you. She's your kid. Get used to it.

[With a pat on the back, Foreman leaves. Crandall sits next to Leona and takes her hand in his. He smiles awkwardly.]

CUT TO:

[House's office. House is at his desk. Cuddy enters. House looks up, waiting for her to say something. By the looks of it, Cuddy definitely has something she wants to say to House. House waits for it. Cuddy seems torn whether to say it or not. Finally...]

CUDDY: Thank you for the injections.

[House, pretty much guessing that that was not what she had come to say, nods.]

HOUSE: You're welcome.

[Cuddy, still in two minds, turns to leave.]

HOUSE: You came all the way up here just to tell me that?

CUDDY: [turning around] No.

[House seems to understand.]

CUT TO:

[Aerial shot of PPTH. Evening.]

CUT TO:

[Leona's room. House is examining Leona.]

HOUSE: Pretty much normal. Liver function tests are good.

CRANDALL: Thanks. G-Man.

[House nods.]

HOUSE: What makes you think you'd be a good father?

CRANDALL: I don't know. Feels right. Feels good.

HOUSE: Well, 'least you got a good reason.

CRANDALL: "Feels good" is a good enough reason.

[Leona starts choking.]

CRANDALL: [panicky] What's happening?

HOUSE: [calm] She's choking. She can't breathe. [to nurse] Get him outa here, will you?

[Crandall seems hesitant.]

HOUSE: Out!

[He turns to Leona urgently, picking up a big pair of scissors and some other instrument. He turns around, addressing the nurse who's pushing Crandall outside, holding up the instruments.]

HOUSE: Wait! The curtain!

[Leona continues to choke. Once Crandall and the nurse are out of sight, House relaxes and dumps the instruments. He starts to remove Leona's breathing apparatus.]

HOUSE: You're breathing on your own. Choking's normal.

[He finishes removing the apparatus, allowing her to breathe normally.]

HOUSE: I lied to him. I ran a paternity test. Your lie... was a bad one.

[She looks at him, confused.]

HOUSE: He is your dad.

[Leona starts to cry. House opens the curtains, using his cane. Crandall is waiting anxiously there.]

HOUSE: We're even.

[He walks off as Crandall runs over to Leona, who cries softly.]

CUT TO:

[House's apartment. His phone is ringing (like he cares...). The machine picks up.]

WILSON: Uh, your machine's broken. There's not even a message.

[House opens the results of the paternity test. Next to "Results: " is, in big bold red letters, the word "NEGATIVE".]

WILSON: House? You there?... Oookay! See you Moday, I guess. [hangs up]

[House keeps the paternity result on his table, right next to the now-empty morphine syringe. He lounges comefortably on his sofa.]

[Credits.]